As much as I want to pry
into your mind
and hold your arms
around me
In hopes
they will stay put,
I can never be

the one who enjoys your favourite records
your black and bitter coffee
and your old tattered novels,
that simply cannot be me

I cannot admire
black and white photographs
or inspire you
with my thoughts
and actions,
so it seems
As much as I want to surround myself
In your favourite thoughts
and memories

As much as I want to
I will not remain
with them
and will not remain
with you
and it is now
that I see
It is now
that I am free

You may not have noticed
my much slower pace
deep sunken eyes
or feeble short limbs
laying on the corner
of my unkept bedroom
and who
can blame you
for It isn’t a pretty sight
unlike all the other days
I had tried so hard
for smooth porcelain skin
and big brightened eyes
If only
           If only
your eyes could spare
a moment of pity
to look upon something
not worthy of you
                      If only
                                 If only
                                             oh well
                                                          oh well….

Its 3am
as I stand in the snow
watching the snowflakes come down
one by one
and all I hear
is your voice

I am my own worst enemy
for hurting you again
and nothing about that
can ever change

I stand alone shivering
I deserve no warmth
I deserve no company
Nothing can be fixed
If I am the problem

Its 3am
and I must decide
where to go
from here

May every warm smile
kind gesture
and sweet word
find its way
into the rugged pockets
of your wool coat
for every struggled step to get home
on the coldest of winter of nights

Remember all the good that has met your acquaintance
as you go about your way
Let them light your path home
Let them warm your aching body
Let them fill your heart with more love
than you could ever possibly fathom

But always leave a few left
In your back pocket
to offer to those
with darker paths
ahead

I see you in the stars
the moon
and the shinning sun

I hear you in the rainstorms
the morning doves call
and the trains whistle

I feel you in the fields of green
the warm spring breeze
and the burning fires

You are beauty
living on through every breath
every bright smile
every laugh
every one falling in love for the first time

and now
I will live enough
for the both of us

Holding on
to those we love
exposes absolute weakness
as a pure surrender of the soul
To entrust your entirety
in another
is so marvelous
so delicate
to believe
another human
can take all of you
hold on
and never
ever
let go
Such a promise
we so willingly make
to those we cherish most
reminds me
of how beautiful we are
How miraculous can the universe be
allowing us to see the whole world
in other human being
in a personal
paradise.

How much longer
until my bones to ash
These days cause me to grow weary of life
as everything leads to a creeping sickness of my soul

Days have lost there radiance
and the sun shines over me no more
I cannot take this existence so far from what I once had
The weight of the world
cannot be lifted by my arms any longer

The nights are longer now
and the dark feels like home
Love has said its final goodbyes
and so It is time
I say mine as well

I wish I hadn't emotionally invested myself
in anyone who could make me smile
believing every word said
and falling apart every time they left

I know the older you get
tends to change the way you see people
as much as that terrifies me
beyond belief

If only I could stay naive
and love all those around me
without getting hurt
every time
Instead of growing up
to watch the ones I love
drift farther away

Time has taught me
to hide all
that makes you human
Hiding your pain
thoughts
opinions
and fears
away
from prying eyes

Time has taught me
when one suffers
they suffer
alone
proving humility
to never show it
or else face accusations
of being prideful of sadness

Time has taught me
not to want
ask
or beg
for things which cannot be changed
things to not break
or people to not forget

Time has taught me
to smile
for everyone but yourself
giving in to life’s flawed designs
surrounding us
and to simply fade
Into its depths

Blurred Images dance
on the walls

No matter how many times
I ask
They refuse to do anything
but share my company

Blurred shadows dance
And I
the rejected soul that I am
will follow
blindly

For like them
my love is uncertain
beautiful
and tragic.

I do what I have to
My duty to my own
I hold a weapon
I don't think twice
The enemy deserves no second chances
I shoot because they are not on my side
I look straight ahead as they fall because they follow another's orders
There is nothing else I can do
This is not my war
This is only my fight.

To believe that life will stand still when you do
would be a foolish thought
but one can only hope for such a reality
to hide the guilt of wasting precious time
In order to save a few minutes
to curl up on your bed and think
cry
or long for past events to change

We thrive on the hope that somehow
our future actions will atone for our past errors
By any chance we realize the truth
We hope
and god, do we ever hope
that life will slow down long enough for us
to pick ourselves up and try again
should we ever be so lucky

If I pray hard enough
radiation from our advancements
will destroy me
from the inside
For I would rather parish
than bring a life into this world
of distopian future
bearing no love
no shelter
or legacy
to carry on

To live long enough to apologize
for giving a life away
and offering another soul
to the crumbling world
around me
would simply leave me
broken beyond repair

If I pray hard enough
let me parish with my future sons of war
My conscience will not allow me to live or die
by leaving another life to a war
and simply fading away.

As far as the stars go
As many times I lie to those who ask
If I am asleep
It will never compare to the distance I bear with this heavy heart.

The burdens carried
along side my bed every night,
gazing at the night sky
I wonder if you have eaten
What you are thinking about
How many times you forgot your keys

The simple answers I wish I knew
and would forever keep close to my heart
If only to lighten the burden and somehow keep you closer.
But the moon holds no answers
and your phone will continue to lay on the table next to your body in slumber

I
remain awake
alone
through the autumn night,
In quiet conversation with myself
Hearing your voice answer,
but seeing only
the dark sheets below me
and the starry sky above me.

Truth be told

It took me 18 years
to learn how to swallow my pride
and apologize
to those I have done wrongly by
whose feelings I hurt
and whose opinions I overlooked

It also took me 18 years
to learn that taking all the pain
wasnt mandatory
that instead of being broken down
and fixing myself up again
I had the option
to walk away

It may have taken me
nearly 2 decades
of wasted years
but at least now
I can finally
live.

I cant recall the words
I said to you before
nor can I promise
It was all falsely said

I have forgotten
the colour of your eyes
the length of your hair
your smile
and I fear
you have forgotten me too
and I’ll always be here
thinking of all
I should have said

If you find the time
when days are still
and all your worries
begin to feel
like they are not so bad,
Remember me kindly
as I
will remember you

Gentle nights
So sweet do they sound
The warm glow of the moon and nothing else
The breeze drifting by and by
for the dreamers that wish
for a better tomorrow
Silent wanderers glance up
hoping for better days
in far off cities
searching for the stars
only to find streetlights
to guide them back home
for the day may be for prospering
but the night promises a life beyond tomorrow

I never understood
when people became heartbroken
after finding out their idols had flaws

If anything
it made them more real
more within our reach
reminding us that they are human
despite their darkest times
finding a way to accomplish what we can only imagine

we all have our own demons
it is you who decide
to turn your back
or invite them in

I wish someone had taught me
how to handle all that remained from love and hate
and how to move on from feelings
when they still remain
What am I to do with it all
when burying it far down
will not solve anything
and embracing it
will only hurt more
than before
I wish someone had taught me
how to let go of all I had to move on
Now I don't know
what I should do
in order to be free
from the binds
you unknowingly hold
So tight

I told her my thoughts travel
with the changing breezes
and shifting tides

Nothing stayed for long in my world
all that surrounded me was a mass of confusion and chaos

She asked me what was permanent
Not the memories
the people
the buildings
not even myself
Then why should I continue this useless life
knowing nothing lasts forever
why should I coexist with all
that can never stay

That is when
she looked into my eyes
and asked me to try
and that
was all it took

I’ve been trying for her
ever since

The world
is a beautiful place
and I am not afraid
to die
leaving this body
In the fields of green
where blood will form one
with the rushing rivers
and steady ponds
bones will grow trees
in the ever fertile soil
and my eyes will see the world
as she ages so delicately
as I become one
with the earth
I am not afraid
of the cold hand of death
whilst the beauty that surrounds me
continues to live

I am human
just like you
I want to feel
the joy of misery
to cry over my scars
injuries
and despairing moments
because sometimes
all you need is a little grief
to help you feel alive
It is not a dangerous word
nor a harmful poison
A pinch sadness can be beautiful and needed
if you let it come when it pleases
and hold the door when it leaves

Flickering flame
A dance of light
The untouchable beauty
upon her lips
Danger
she speaks
so fast
and just once
she calls out
The flames dance
with every breath
The fire burns her
alive
and she
smiles.

These cold nights
when the rain hits hard
is when I miss it the most
When the wind sighs
and shadows creep over
When I see your face
You surround me
with warmth
with love
The feelings rush through my veins
Closing my eyes
This moment instilled in my mind
will remain with me
on these cold nights
when the rain falls in mourning
Despite my longing
Despite all desires I hold
I know
If I ever see you again
it’ll be too soon

Feeling is such an undecided blessing and curse
for whom will it turn to
and who will it turn for
Once you vow yourself to another
what can you say
when you have lost all feeling from before
having no intention
of finding it again

The heart we carry is so fragile
and we are so young
What a shame that we cannot remove ourselves from another life
without taking a piece of them with us
When so many have taken you apart
and so many have left your side
how can you open your eyes
to the light

I have loved and lost
Though we are apart
I would never fall from regret
If only you had left apart of yourself
for me too

You can remember
or you can forget
In your mind
I can stay
in my own cozy nook
or become no more
than the dust upon your shelf

Although I have become fond
of existing in this world of chaos
hand in hand
your decision
is your own
and you
must invite me in
first

I can breathe life
into your world
Or I can take
all life away
Now you
must decide
If it is worth it
for me
to stay.

Crowds of the
happy
successful
loved
and
        there
                     I
                           am.
There for myself
supporting myself
loving myself
I am my own shoulder to cry on
and person to turn to
Because after all
I
am
all
that
I
have
all that will not harm
all that will not leave
all that is permanent
and certainly
all that will remain.

I cannot promise to shelter you from the world
but I can shelter you
now
On the cold autumn nights
In my arms
keeping you safe
from your inner demons
for now
and hope
you hold these memories
In your pockets
for the turn of seasons
When I leave with the wind
once more.

It hits me hard
like a brick wall
crushing me inside out
enveloping my body
with each mighty blow

Sorrow is the horrible truth
to my existence
and recovering
from each time
It forcibly knocks me down
Is my own cross to bear

I walked away.

I am my own worst enemy
for continuing
to keep you close
torturing myself
with your images
and our fondest memories
whenever I feel the slightest form of love
It seems
as time goes on
It only gets harder
because I’m over here
  
                                    and you’re over there.

It never ceases to amazes me
how the sun seems to shine
a little brighter in your presence
and so do I
Maybe now
there is a reason
for this world
that could be nothing short of your smile
and soon
I cannot tell
dream from reality
and why care
as long as you are with me
in both

If something can hurt me inside out
that once made me feel so happy
then it truly must have been
something wondrous

To have someone
come into my life
and make me feel so beautiful
so right
so lucky to be alive
is something that happened to me
and me alone

How lucky of me
to feel such happiness for a brief time
and maybe
if someone has loved me before
someone can love me
again

After all,
tomorrow is a new day
to live again

You are light
The sun,moon and stars
and every reason to smile

You are the warmth
Flooding through my veins
Engulfing me in the bliss
of a pure moment in time

You are love
For I knew no meaning more true to the word before you

So vivid
So real
A love I could live
eternally

Has it really come to the point
where the raising of your voice
brings forth no fear
the words forced out
wont cause me to flinch
and the idea of you walking away
doesn't make me panic
like it did
so many months before

Maybe my emotions
have been used up
to the point of where
I can’t feel
or maybe I just lost sight
of what I really need

Then again
maybe you did.

Faster now
The window blurs
and the rain
grey and somber
All alone
the train goes on,
but here
In my seat
looking out
In the rain
All slows down
to each steady breath
I close my eyes
and pretend
It really is
as I hoped
Wishing time went as slow as the rain
While the train speeds on
and my tears
falling at a slower pace
I look forward
and time
slows down

The streets now are empty
Every time I walk the path
where I met my friends
rushed to work
fell in love
sneaked home late

The wind blows harder than before
opening my coat
Exposing me to the cold
inevitable truth
That life is ever changing

Everyone has moved on
And here I stand
On the path
Where my memories lay
in the past
where I feel safe
where nothing is prone to change
and I remain
afraid to take the final step
Away

It was never about
falling in love
was it
It was about how fast
and how effectively
you could fall
out of love
in case he hurt you
and you know
that pain well
don’t you
You know that love
is the ultimate surrender
and you will not fall willingly
this time.

Every passing cloud in your sky
has a silver lining
maybe not as clear
when you’re so far down
with your head hung low
Hidden by the storms
and striking lightening
Through the dull and grey
It remains
and cliches aside
It still hold true
shining with a single spark
lighting up the world
and I believe
you can light up the whole world
You are so
nearly
there

I do not know
which is worse,
the fact that
you still have the power to tear me down
and continue to do so
or the fact that
as much as I want to believe that I am okay
as many times as I look in the mirror
and tell myself I have grown stronger
your words still tear me
limb from limb
and I surrender
letting you do
as you please
again and again

I know
that I cannot control
what direction the wind blows
any more than I can change
what lies within your soul
Despite my attempts
at making myself a home in your heart
there can never be enough room
for me to stay
where I do not belong
and so,
with a heart as heavy as stone
I will pack my bags
once more

One of these days
I suppose
things will turn out right
because I am trying
and I’d like to think
that there is light at the end of the tunnel I have been wandering through

I would like to believe
I will make peace will all those who have done wrong by me
because hate is too big a burden
for my fragile form to carry
and from here
I will walk towards a better future
and never look back