The only thing worse than being hurt is knowing you are hurting someone else

I grew up with a girl
who had a free spirit
and a lovely personality

She adored her father greatly
But then one day
he up and left

She had lost one of the things
she had loved the most
and went on a search
to fill a hole

It started with kissing boys
and sipping beer
but spiraled downward

Soon she was
******* staragers
choking down pills
and not coming home on school nights

Her mom was too busy
to even notice her decay
She just looked the other way

I want to shed a tear
every time I see her
because I know
that isn't who she wanted to become

I don't mind missing sleep
If I do so with you

The disappointment of your own mistakes
Is greater than any let down from a friend
It is a cruel reminder that sometimes
you aren't capable of accomplishing
everything you set out to do
and that sometimes its yourself that gets in the way
and the worst part is you have no one to blame

Dare
To
Believe
In You

I wish I could say
That I won't forgive you
That I will hold it against you forever
That our friendship is forever changed

But we all know I will
It is impossible for me to hold a grudge
I see the good in everyone
Even you

I ask and beg and plead
just a moment alone
with nothing to do
I have been so busy
I want some time off
but only two hours alone
can make me feel lonely

I have been using the death of our relationship
As a bookmark
To remind myself
Where I am and how far I have come

All things considered
I'm doing okay
And thats all I can really say
Because it isn't easy
And it is definitely not fun

To have your family torn apart
from the outside, in

To have your home taken away
with only scrapes of possessions left

To have traditions shattered
and nothing quite like before

To have new people
brought into your life
while having one of the most important,
*taken away

There is an artist
hiding deep with in me
she can sing and dance and write and draw
she can create anything

But sadly
she is trapped deep inside

so then the confused me
tries to dance but always falls
tries to sing but always fails
tries to create but only crumbles

because I have now realized that
I am an artist trapped in a body that isn't capable  
of creating art

Politics jut aren't my thing
I don't care who you vote for
I won't judge you based on your political party

but I do want to say

That is hurts me to see
so many Americans be so callous and rude
to others based on their religion or race
to watch others suffer
in countries where their leaders
are committing genocide
and when their last hope is
to run away from their home, family
everything that they've ever known
in hopes of finding safety
in hopes that they may be able to survive without fear
but then they are met with cruelty at our borders
hate in our country

What does America stand for
if not freedom and hope?
Is the American dream dead?

I don't cry out of pity for myself
I don't cry because you should have known better
I don't cry because I hate you for what you have done
You don't deserve that hate put on you
You didn't know any better

I cry for mom who has to watch it all unfold
Who has to be in the depths of it with you
Who has to worry about the future

I cry for my brothers that don't know yet
But when they find out will be devastated
For their futures
For their mental health and well-being

I don't cry for me because I am strong
I can handle this
**But can they?

My heart was broken
Shattered to pieces
and scattered on the floor

I kept inviting people over
In hopes that they
Would help me pick up the pieces
But they didn't even notice them
They just walk on top
Smashing them into smaller pieces
Until my heart became so crushed
It was ingrained in the carpet
of my tear stained room

the warm air floats over me
the bright light illuminationg my face
I watch as the flames engulf
every last piece of him I had
only ashes left and scraps of clothes
the flames lick the edges
of the gifts I once held dear
and I wish that I could throw in
all of those memories too
The happiness in those moments
aren't worth the pain they cause me now
if i could just seer them out of my brain
even physical pain would be preffered
over what I am feeling now
If I could just burn those memories
like the pieces I had left of him
then maybe I could be happy
maybe I could go a day
without bitterness creeping into my heart
without the pain of knowing
he never loved me the way he loves her
but I loved him more than he could ever love her

every word they speak
leaves an impression
on her heart

every idea explained
leaves an unspeakable expression
on her face

every whisper with her name
leaves a tear
on her cheek

they will never understand
what they are capable of,
how much they can hurt her

how they can make her feel
like she has no one
like she is worthless

how they can make her feel
like she is ugly
like she is dumb

You made something
that was so comfortable
so mine, so safe
into a place I am scared of
it doesn't feel like home anymore
I find shelter in other places

some days I hate you for it
I know it wasn't your intention
but the outcome is the same either way

I have such disdain for the words "I Love You"
these words have been said a billion times to me
by some who mean it
but by more who don't

they were the words used
by the boy who ***** me
to explain why he had put himself inside me

they were the words muttered
at the end of my parents phone calls
hoping to convince themselves
or maybe others
that they cared for one another

I have said these words to acquaintances
family members I barely know
and even passerby's

But for some reason they are still the only words
that come to mind
when trying to let you know
how you brighten my days
how your smile warms my heart
and how every time I think of you my eyes light up

I love you
but there's so much more than that
I want you to know
there is meaning behind the words

I know I shouldn't
but I will wait
she isn't forever
maybe I'm not either
but our journey together
isn't over

When she forgets to text you back
When she forgets your birthday
When she forgets to love you

I will be waiting
and our journey can resume

The rain pelted the glass, door in the small poorly lit room
his fingers danced across the table searching for somewhere to go
                                                              ­ They jumped
d
o
w
n
to his pocket
where they slid down the smooth edging
of the paper box
containing little rolled up cylinders of his future
his fingers gently pulled at the top of the container
until it opened
and the smell of sweet tobacco escaped
                                                         ­                      clunk
a noise from outside stopped him
letting the box fall closed
his fingers idle at his sides

saving (if only for a minute)
his future from the flame
threatening to engulf his life

I was forced to come
by my mother
"you haven't been yourself lately"
well of course I hadn't

When the doctor asked
"what seems to be the problem?"
I lied
telling him I didn't know

I knew exactly what the problem was
something doctors couldn't treat
and medicine wouldn't help
I had a broken heart

I found my greatest fault
It wasn't my laugh
It wasn't the way I stuttered when I talked
It wasn't the shape of my body
It was never any of those things

It was that I let people like you
Make me believe that I was less
Because of those things

My laugh
Is unique and beautiful

My speech pattern
Doesn't matter

My body
Is perfect for me

My greatest fault
Was letting people knock me down
Was believing the nasty things they said
Was letting people push me around
Was not realizing my beauty within


And I
I
Am stronger than that

I wish I was bitter about you.
Then maybe I wouldn't cry so much.
Because right now I still love you. And sometimes you act like you still love me, but I am not sure if you actually do. Your late night phone calls but lack of effort in person has got me all confused. My emotions range from hurt, sad, depressed, annoyed, angry, all the way back to hopeful. It always lands on hopeful in the end. But wouldn't it be so much easier if i just felt bitterness. All of that confusion gone, just a little bit of bitterness in my heart. I think that would be easier.
But the problem is you haven't hurt me enough for me not to love you. So I care about you in ways that you don't even know. And that doesn't just go away.

With Love even now,
Lost Girl

Am I dumb?
have you been trying to show me
this whole time
and I'm just too daft to see it
have your words
been saying yes
while all your actions
say NO
Am I just a pathetic girl
chasing shadows of something that will never be

Why I still write about you
Why I still care about you
If I ever will not like you
If I will ever give up on you

even though I can tell

You have given up on me
You don't even like me
You don't care about my feelings
You don't even respond to my texts

I knew a boy, who was beautiful in every way
But never felt that way
He always offered to take the smaller half
Not because he wanted less
but because he knew he wasn't good enough
to have more

We are always the victim of our own story
We fashion wings of innocence for ourselves
accessorized by a halo of compassion and charity
Then we paint a mask on others
using colors such as greed and hatefulness
to show how truly evil they were
never wanting to admit our own fault
for fear of realizing our lingering evil inside

Maybe if you didn't know better
when you looked inside my shoe box
you'd think it was just paper

but that paper has more value
than all the cash you can stuff in a wallet
because that box has the papers
that put a smile on my face
that keep me going, on days
when I just have no go left

And if you are important enough
to make it in the shoe box
then in my mind you have done something right
And Ali had done something right
She had told me to persevere
when everyone told me to give up
she said that sometimes love is worth waiting for
And I was the only one who could possibly know
if he was the type of love, you wait for

As I sat unpacking my room
still caught in the love that tangled me up
A note slipped out of the box
and her words caught my eye
"Sometimes **** love can feel like a fairytale,
And sometimes fairytale love can feel like ****"

It made me feel like maybe it was okay
to still love him
Because our love was never ****
It just felt like **** some days
But nothing is perfect
And I am not one for giving up
Especially not on fairytale love

I remember what it felt like the first time we touched
our fingertips brushing against one another
in that type of way where it was meant to seem like an accident
but we both knew it wasn't
My whole body filled with warmth and pure bliss
just at the touch of your hand
but then something changed
As i watched the fountain spray water in every direction
all i wanted was to jump in
to extinguish the burning
that your hand caused on my skin

It wasn't his sparkling blue eyes
It wasn't his smile that lit up my day
It wasn't his shoulders that I cried on
It wasn't his strong hands that held on to mine

It was never any of these things
It was always his heart

From the moment I saw it I fell in love

I realized that people had purposes
some I was supposed to teach a lesson
but most were meant to teach me a lesson

My Mom taught me
what love really was
and what mistakes not to make

My Dad taught me
why relationship don't work
and that sometimes love is hard to show

My Ex taught me
That touching isn't loving
and not to jump to conclusions

My Friend taught me
That people notice when you wear less clothes
and that that isn't a good thing

It's Wednesday night
My mind is floating in Tequila
too lost to do anything

But my heart
Can't stop beating for you

Golden light falls on a beautiful beach
warming the skin of olive colored surfers
The waves playing with their feet
tickling their toes as it comes up
to the point where land and sea meet
The noise of life surrounding them
waves crashing, birds chirping, children playing