The procedure began
My eyes open and my body numb
A black X drawn across my chest
marking the point of incision

The needle was larger
than any I had seen before
as it approached my skin
There was a half second
in which I thought
"should I be doing this"

But it was too late
the needle had already broken the skin
blood pooling at the surface

The drugs were setting in
I was happy to let them take me
knowing that when I woke up
my heart would be gone
no longer would I feel pain and suffering
no longer would I ache at nights
no longer would sadness consume me

Bad love will hurt you
it will crush you into tiny pieces
make you into someone
you don't even recognize
it'll bring you to your wits end
you will bleed out all your love
trying to give them everything, anything
just so you feel loved back

but healthy love will heal you
make you feel complete
and capable

I miss your embrace more than anything

There are pieces of you scattered throughout my room

   a pair of socks
                                                                  The stuffed animal you bought me
                                         your favorite food in my cabinet
a jacket you never took back
                                                                a pen of yours

I wonder if you will ever come retrieve them
I hope if you do, you bring back
The piece of my heart I left with you

I became so we
that I forgot to be *me

I see only absence in his eyes
where love should be

I wonder sometimes
if it would have hurt more
had I grown up
immortalizing him in memories and stories
knowing that had he been there
he would have loved his baby girl
truly and deeply
or if watching him
fail to love me
day after day
year after year
is as painful as death

You say you are in love
but it looks an awful lot like agony
there are moments when I see
the smiles on your faces
the cute little notes
reminding each other
that you are loved
but it hurts me when I can hear
you screaming at her
and her yelling back
when she storms out of a room
and you have to take care of her
when you say "let me ask her if I can"
as if she owns you

Maybe I am just too close to you
I only hear when things are wrong
cause when they are right you are with her
but I want true love for you
and I am afraid
you will stick with comfort
because it's easier than being alone
and wondering
if that was your only shot

The smoke licks my fingertips
as I light the cigar
a fix of nicotine on a bad day
a way to keep the bad thoughts at bay
A long pull fills my mouth
with a bitter taste of artificial grape
A low for me I guess you could call it
A hypocrite I guess you could call me

I can never imagine us being
after having not been for so long
the rift in time
pulled us apart
and there is no way to cross the gap
no bridge you can build
leaving my memories
floating down the stream
underneath your feet
it does not work like that
I can not
I will not
be a retrograde version
of myself
and
who I am now
Is not who you would want
I have come to realize time has ruined
anything we could have had

I don't think you know what love is
Not the way I do
Each time you find someone new
You say
Oh this time it's real
but it never really is
you just fall in the same trap
of lust and delight
captured by their looks
or cunning wit
but as time moves on
so do you

Her eyes lit up as we drove into the farm
a gorgeous landscape of flowers and horses
a crowd of inviting people
who said they loved her
but hurt her
every day
I could see the frustration
as they told her no
to the simplest of things
because she was female
and watched as her younger male cousin
was always put on a pedestal
for all his "hard work"

This is the place she called home
because although it wasn't perfect
And it wasn't painless
It did hurt less than
The way "mom and dad" did
It didn't cut as deep
As the shards of broken glass
scattered through the kitchen did
It felt like love
compared to living with two
that despised each other
It may not have been everyone's joy
but it was paradise to her

I want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs
I want to jump up and down
waving my arms about
I want to grab him and shake him

But I know it wont help

He doesn't see it anymore
the love we used to have
its just a memory to him
and I can't figure out
why he thinks its so out of reach
to have again

IT IS RIGHT HERE

Yeah we went through some ****
and we had to set some
stuff on the shelf
but it didn't move
its just sitting here

please just come and get it

I really thought we had something
But I was sadly mistaken
What I thought was love
Was just Infatuation

Tonight I am lost in a state of wonder
Of all the could be's, should be's, and would be's
keeping my mind active and my eyes open

All of the endless possibilities of where life could have taken me
and I am here

what if only
he wouldn't have picked up the phone that day

what if only
she would have stayed at dinner 2 minutes longer

what if only
he would have asked a different person

Such small actions
that have had a huge impact on my life

leaving me wondering
who I would be today
without these small decisions of others

leaving me wondering
how much of my own life
am I in control of

I have never been able
to tell you my left from right
I use a scar as a marker
to help me remember
when you say "turn right"

Which made it ever more
difficult when trying to decide
Should I have left?
Or are we right for one another?

I can't see the scars
on my heart
to give me a direction
I know they are there
*but which way
do I turn

Sometimes my dreams are so vivid
that I can't separate them from my reality
they mesh into one

Some mornings I wake up mad at you
I can't quite remember what you did
But I know I didn't like it

It will take me hours to remember
That what you did was only a dream
And I shouldn't be mad

I will  be telling a story
And half way through
I will realize, it may not be true

Every childhood memory
I second guess
Did that really actually happen?

Maybe it is a blessing
that I can live through my dreams
That my nights are never boring

But I think it is a curse
that my emotions can be effected
by my subconscious

My soul is broken
It hurts all the time
Sometimes it drips sadness
From my eyes

I didn't realize what I was doing
It was all just fun and games
But I went in too deep
And now I can't back out

Not without hurting you
Oh how I hate hurting you
I thought that I was doing what was best
For both of us
But when I stepped away
I saw that i was hurting us

Now we are stuck
Either being unhappy together
Or being unhappy apart

Simple
you said
lets keep it simple
so we did
we loved
simply
we worried
rarely
we cared
deeply

then
something changed
and it wasn't
so simple
anymore

and we may be
great at simple
but terrible
at complex

can we
go again
my love
to simple
simple love

I forgot what this feeling was like
I had kept myself distant for so long
I don't know how you did it

You broke down barriers I didn't even know I had
You made me feel happy again

We may not be prefect but I think I might love you

Is there more to life
more than just the everyday muck
waking up and plastering a smile on my face
more than going to school everyday
just to graduate and go back again
so that I can get a job
so that I can get married and have kids
and raise them to do the same **** thing
are there not any options?
is this my only choice?
because it sure seems like it

Sitting still and doing nothing
is not an option when motion is impending

I miss her in ways I don't know how to explain
sometimes I see her smile on the face of happy children
I miss that smile a lot
the innocent one, it was so pure
She isn't so innocent now though
she has grown up, become a big girl
one who makes her own decisions
One who has to support herself
But I miss that kid with the gleaming smile

I only write in red
I wield a pen full of blood
the pain giving meaning
to the careless actions of my wrist

I've found that my balance
is dependent on light
at night
I begin to waiver
to and fro
Not knowing which way is right
I tend to fall
on the nights
when the moon has no presence
the stars
never seem to be enough
to keep me up
and there I wait till morning light
small tears gliding over my cheeks
my mind running in circles

Sometimes life gives you no's
there may not be a reasonable explanation
Not even a justification
Just a no
And you have to know how to deal with that

I hate the smell of your breath
It reminds me of the times that we kissed

I quietly listen in
as they talk about home
about their lives outside of this office
I got lonely and drank ***** till I fell asleep
and wonder how such educated, well off people
could live such lonely lives
I am working on making a bed frame for my twin size bed
why don't these people have anything
and everything they have ever wanted
I think this weekend I will just watch movies alone
they worked so hard and accomplished so much
in their efforts toward education

did they put that before friendship, before love?

We dreamed a lot
We dreamed together
Letting our minds wander
into a state of bliss, far away from reality
We dreamed of places we would visit
Of the accomplishments we would have together
We dreamed that the world was ours
and together nothing was impossible
Our dreams were crisp and beautiful
no imperfections or flaws
just exquisite ideas to keep us going
But our dreams were too perfect
and when I had to say goodbye
to the idea of you and I
I ripped our dreams in half
so you could keep yours and I could keep mine
and I clung to this partial dream
As if it were my destiny

I am realizing now it may have never been mine
only a way for me to fit into your dreams
and I don't want to carry around this hope of yours
I want to create my own path
I want to dream up my own future

No longer just a living room
the space had transformed
into something more intimate
void of screens
the lovely voices of those who were present
opened up the space to laughter
to sharing and stories
hot tea and biscuits in hand
a smile on my face
and a comfort I had never known before

If you had 3 wishes
would you spend them all on yourself
wishing them away on love and wealth
or would you stop and think

maybe I can change the world

would you choose to be a good dancer?
or would you cure cancer?

would you want to be younger?
or end world hunger?

would a sign with your name say: Featuring?
or would you end world suffering?

I wanted us
I truly did
but you are bad at receiving
and you don't know how to give
I feel like I am throwing my love
into a black hole
and begging the night
to give me light
when all it knows is dark
sometimes the stars shine through
which gave me hope
but I need a sun
and you are in a whole different galaxy
I don't own a spaceship
I can't make this work

What she saw in him was
eyes brighter than the stars
a smile longer than any river
love bigger than the earth
and all the cliches in the world

But all he saw in her was
a pitiful little girl

Eyes are the window to the soul
But you already know that

Everyone said don't look
a murderer in the eyes
unless you want to see
the devil inside

But i was a curious little girl
when no one was looking
except for him, my eyes couldn't help
but wander toward his

When i saw his eyes i had to silence my gasp
not because i saw the devil
but because i saw myself
his eyes only mirrored mine

Maybe it wasn't the presence of something
but the lack anything that led him to become the murderer

Blue all around us
and the waves come crashing down
we both start taking in water our lungs gasping

We had been so strong
Every time it rained
One pulling up the other
And together staying afloat

But this was no sunday shower
this was a hurricane
and we were both sinking in the sea

I grabbed ahold of his hand
Latching ourselves together
Becoming anchored to each other
And dragging one another down

Water above, below, all around
my lungs on fire
and my eyes searching for air

All at once his hand let go
I grasped for it once again
But he was gone and swimming
So I had to do the same

The water fell back to reveal a dark grey sky ready to cry
my lung filled with oxygen once again but
my heart filled with fear as i saw the rain to come

Barely able to keep myself afloat
I started searching for him
But set in between us was the storm of a life
That neither of us knew how to navigate

The wind and waves pulling in and out
making this ocean seem like a horrifying nightmare
that had not long before been such a dream

The storm would pull one of us in
The other jumping in to save the day
But we could not seem to escape
This hurricane that had engulfed our lives

So we kept wading in the water
hoping for the storm to pass
so we could again see one another

This isn't you
Don't you see
you are just a shell
of who you used to be

The free spirit being
chained by worries
that doesn't seem
right to me

The future is all just a tangle
of what we do not know
and uncertainty is prevalent
anywhere someone lets it be

But it will eat you up
from the inside out
tear your heart in two
Because no one knows
*What the future may hold

I skipped the slow part
I fell in love with you all at once