I am a wall,
A thick, stone wall,
At least a man,
Surrounded by walls.

I built them myself,
I'm sure it would help,
At least a little,
Those amazing walls.

From the outside it looks grey,
Thick colourless stones of pain,
Of no interest, of desolation,
In total isolation.

But inside, oh wow,
I've painted it with amazing colours,
And those very walls who keep people away,
Comfort me in ways indescribable.

The walls are lined with rich tapestry,
The floors of lush carpets and pillows,
The from the ceilings hang lights,
To illuminate a hundred rooms.

And yet, no one...
No one to share the beauty,
The richness of my inner walls,
The walls I made.

Lost connection with everything,
Lost memories of my own being.

Fail to remember what made me smile,
Fail to see what makes life worthwhile.

Going through life half dead,
Going through everyday like I was just made.

Nothing to make me feel again,
Nothing that follows me but pain.

Deep inside I know its in my head,
But I guess its harder executed than said.

I'll wait, then for that something,
I'll push through life like everyday was a fling,

Till something happens,
Till somehow it happens.

I'll wait.

I see green,
I see blue,
I see careless clouds,
Fleeting about in hues;
I see sparkles of white,
I see days full and bright.

And then it comes,
The haze that blinds,
The sun scorches down,
The green turns brown;
And though the illusion of mist;
No more do I see.

The birds stop their song,
I wonder why,
The hills turn brown,
And again I wonder;
If anyone cared,
If anyone sees.

I pave my way through the crowds,
As I breathe through cloth,
Up and down,
Left and right,
Everyone seems to be,
Trapped in this tropical haze.

The first

Drops for her,
The silent wish,
That it was different,
That I was not a burden.
It splashes down,
Splitting into a thousand little droplets,
Each a sorrowful entity,
Depicting each scene of heart-wrenching pain.

The second

Drops for him,
The silent prayer,
That I could be better,
A person you wished could be like you,
The man that could make you proud,
By just being a man
Not more, not less.
I'm sorry I'm less.

The third

Drops for me,
More than just silent,
More than just faint,
It crashes like thunder,
Bearing grief and pain,
That I am not what you expect,
Nor will I ever be,
And nothing can change that, even me.

These tears come hurtling down,
And maybe the figures are just figures,
It could be more, definitely more, I lost count,
But the awful truth is its always silent,
Never to be heard or seen...

Hoping, dreaming,
Wishing, praying,
Fasting, petitioning,
Crying, weeping.

A hundred days,
Bygone.

Hoping we could once more see your face,
As impossible as it sounds,
Dreaming, that someone, somewhere, some place,
Finally finds you, and that you're at last home bound.

A hundred days,
Of excruciating pain.

Wishing against the logic of the world,
That you're still fine, and you'll fall into my arms once again,
Praying to God, gods, goddesses, deities of the world,
That even if you're not lost forever, you're still okay, not in pain.

A hundred days,
Of sleeplessness.

Fasting, maybe not because we believe it'll help,
But food does not replenish anymore,
Petitioning to the saints above,
To ask the angels to hold you, forevermore.

A hundred days,
Of yearning.

Crying for that solace only closure brings,
That somehow its not a conspiracy and that the truth is revealed.
Weeping for every single person, every heartbroken family,
Who's dreams and aspirations lay now buried, concealed.

A hundred days,
Of timeless sadness.

They say time heals,
The say it will get better,
But nothing can better what we feel,
Not even time.

A hundred days,
Without conclusion.

If my blood could illustrate,
A picture to the world,
It will tell you the exact state,
How my heart pumps its hurt.

Each ventricle pumps emotions,
Pain, anger, hope,
Up to my brain,
And down to my toes.

Slithering through each artery and vein,
Blood carves my hearts pain,
In my head,
In my head.

Working through each capillary,
It forges anger and rage,
In my bones,
My aching bones.

After its done its work,
It fights back through each valve,
And pours back into the atriums,
Devoid of fury and pain.

It was used up,
Just like my tears,
My wasted energy for nothing,
It brought me no good.
Just more hurt.

And just slowly,
As the pain and anger dissipates from my system,
And fresh blood is packaged and sent,
From my bone marrows,
It brings along a slimmer of hope,
That this new cycle of blood would carry no more pain.

The times I spent with you,
Are like times spent in magic portals,
Through which I stepped into,
To remove myself from reality,
Like a cellophane tape from paper...

And I have brought that dream
From the other side of the portal into my reality...

This reality unfortunately,
Cannot merge with the existing reality,
And therefore remains hidden from everyone,
With the exception of those,
Close enough to the bubble I have created,

To either silently notice or to be curious....

Crunching sound beneath my feet,
The feeling of oneness with the dust,
From which I was made,
Every step brings me deeper into my past.

I see it now, the gift of life,
Sprouting from the depths of the earth,
From what we deem lifeless,
Life emerges, in all its fullness.

My toes run through the soft soil,
Each grain screams out a testimony of a million years,
Each stone would cry if they could,
Watching our world nearing its doom.

The fault in our world is not out there,
It is in here,
In the hearts of reckless, egoistic men,
The men who could not care less.

Soil, sand and peat,
Rocks, stones and clay,
All interspersed together,
Designed without fault.

The Creator is all-loving,
Designed us the way we are,
With complete freedom,
And maybe that’s where our flaw lies…

Cherry blossoms and roses,
Once they were just flowers,
Now even the sight of these blossoms,
Remind me of you.

Star anise and cardamom,
Oregano and thyme,
Even garlic and onions,
Remind me of how we cooked together.

Sitting in the car alone,
Or looking at cyclers riding past,
It all reminds me,
Of how we traveled together, side by side.

Looking at paintings,
Seeing street art,
The very thought of visiting a gallery or museum,
Reminds me of you.

Seeing a lake, watching the sunset,
Looking up at stars, remembering Orion,
Watching the sea, looking at pictures of islands,
Remind me of you.

Once Germany was just another country,
In far away Europe.
Now it’s a place of dreams and reality,
A place that reminds me of you.

Going places where we’ve been before,
Walking on the same street,
Or sitting in the same restaurant,
Makes me yearn for you.

As I do my work,
Go about life,
I wish you were with me,
Every second of everyday.

I love you, sweetheart.
Dear Alex,
I love you, my angel,
Beyond description.

Just falling in the dark,
It feels, light somehow you know...
It started with a stroll in the park,
An innocent attraction to the promise of something permanent...

Just falling down, light headed,
The walls, rich with colour and beauty at first...
It started with a movie and a kiss,
A total willingness to surrender, too tired being alone anymore...

Still falling,
The colour and majesty, the feeling of flying,
All a familiarity now, no change, no initiative...
To grip those walls and stay, to feel grounded to that beauty...

And falling faster, I reach out,
Trying to catch hold, to stop dropping like a stone...
It started when you moved away and this had to be long distance,
But the walls became greasier, oilier, and my palms just slipped...

The rich colour, a jumbled mess,
Of oil, colours, all dripping down the walls like grease..
That was when we became too busy for each other...
I wished the walls could help me out, a stone or two jutting out for me to hold on...

But I fall faster, trying to remember,
Forgetting the solid colours and the light feeling when this started...
But the walls had turned cruel, an elusive mass of stone and grease...
And I hit the ground, hard, painful and broken...

I fell into the pit of love...

And there you were,
Black and white.
Emotionless: No excitement, no euphoria, no sadness, no fear,
Void of art, void of darkness, void of light.

How easy it is to be distracted away,
From you, from that of which is so important,
Yet your dullness can be compared to a lonesome tree which for a hundred years had had no sway,
Or a handsome husband who is nothing but impotent.

How deep, how dull,
And yet attractive to some.
And in these wee hours when the very air seems to lull,
And I slowly drift off hoping to tear through the fabric of space and time,

I pray I don't get distracted.
Because to understand that very dullness,
Is to conquer and to finish what I started,
And to blossom in all a nerd's fullness.

I miss those midnight walks,
Those alone times with sticks and stones and rock...

Clad in a thick jacket,
Earphones in my ear sockets...

Not for the music though,
But to keep away that eerie silence that seems to flow...

I miss those walks,
When to myself I talk...

That somehow by being alone,
I could free those bottled up feelings my heart borne,

That somehow all those emotions,
By the moonlight would dissipate and with nature find perfection...

I wish I could see myself as another,
Seeing what other people saw but don't know for sure...

I always think the darkness helped,
It seemed to shroud and protect...

The day did not have that,
It was filled with eyes, and stares and ALL of that...

People are afraid of the dark,
It has that feeling so bleak and stark...

But ah, those midnight walks...

How I miss those silent times...

The dark was not really dark...

For nothing can compare with the dark hole of my heart...

My body's here,
Right here,
In your arms,
Wrapped around me,
Your perfectly sculpted arms.

I feel your breath,
Your warm breath,
Right here,
I feel it,
And I feel no fear,
No fear.

I feel your kiss,
On the back of my head,
That kiss,
Which makes me complete,
Right here,
So near.

I turn,
And you're not here,
But still you feel so close,
Your touch, your breath, your kiss,
I know you'll return, back here.

You're taking your time,
You know my heart belongs to you,
And you alone,
And I'll still wait,
For you my love,
Right here.

And as the story of my life grew,
I no longer knew...

Where I came from or where I was going,
Whether I'm living or just being....

People I meet come and go,
Oh how great it was, but how it pains me so...

That nothing in life stays,
That everything in life is an arranged set of plays...

But faith I know I have and that is sure,
Although for occasional doubts there is no cure...

And through life with that faith I must endure,
However much temptation of denial lures...

I would one day find the meaning of all this, maybe not,
But my faith, I know, will not be for naught...

I stood guard,
Rigid,unwavering.
I watched over,
Making sure nothing passed.

Dark was the night,
And as long as I could remember.
I stood guard right at the boundary,
Nothing should pass in, and nothing could go out.

It started full of motivation,
That I could do this.
But the sun never seemed to rise,
The Night never seemed to end.

But I could never let my guard down,
And I waited, determined.
Soon the dark started to pinch my eyes,
The absence of light started to hurt.

Oh for the morning I yearned,
But it never came.
And I wished something would indeed happen,
Although that was exactly what I stood guard against.

The longer I stood, the more I yearned,
To stop guard, to just let the walls take care of themselves.
And then when I was least expecting it,
You came.

You smiled, and although it was dark,
I felt light creep and linger in that dark world.
And I stood stunned, not ready for this,
And you came closer , and everything lit up.

The closer you came, the more I lost my senses,
I didn't need to guard anymore,
The walls didn't matter,
I didn't want the light to go away.

And you came closer and closer,
And walked past the walls,
Pulling me in with you,
And there was no more darkness.

No more walls, no more waiting,
No guarding.
And as amazing as your entry was,
You stood up and left.

I still feel how our fingers lingered at the last touch,
How I wished you didn't leave.
But you did leave,
And left the world dark again.

The walls were all broken down,
And the dark was three times as dark now.
It was a desolate world,
Full of helplessness and misery.

And I had to build the walls higher now,
Because you trespassed,
You trespassed into the breaches, the threshold of my heart, my soul,
After I allowed you in, and took it all away.

And now here I stand, standing guard again.
In front of higher walls, and a more watchful eye.
In a darker world, with no morning,
Because too much was taken, and too little left.

*You trespassed.

Seductive voices whisper,
And as softly and subtly as the whispers are,
Our screaming consciences as loud as a battle cry,
Are (chosen to be) blocked off completely.

Explicitly voices whisper in my ears,
The voices that we eventually succumb to,
(Well, most of us),
And the excuse:
*"I'm only human."

I saw a bird,
On its feet on my kitchen floor,
And as swiftly as it came into visual,
It fluttered off.

It was a sparrow,
A small brown thing,
But alive and free.
And it made me smile.

It made me smile,
For all the reasons,
I don't have what it had,
Freedom, throughout the seasons.

Its always birds isn't it,
That make us think of freedom:
The flight of swallows in dusk,
Or the release of doves on Easter.

Its always those birds isn't it,
That make us feel deep within,
How it would be like to fly,
And to rise up above everything, above wind and sky.

But what does it really mean to be  free?
The wondrous spread of wings,
And the ability to lift off from the ground?
And to soar above the clouds?

It was a bird,
That made me smile,
And think to myself,
How so much more than a bird am I!

What happens when there's too  much?
Too much for your mind to handle?
It's all a mess up there,
Everything running faster than they should...

And you, yes you...
Trying to grip the handholds of the slick walls...
Of the well that is your mind...
Of your very consciousness.

Falling, drowning in your overpowering,
Overwhelming,
Irrepressible
Abstractness of your own human mind....

I'll tell you what happens....

*Art

"Work hard" they said,
Push yourself to the limit;
"Go higher" their voices played,
Even when you've already reached the summit...

Have you hiked a multiple tiered waterfall?
The higher you go, the less people there are...
The scenes get more magnificent,
the cascading falls are more pristine...
But you've got to put in the work,
Hike, climb, crawl and you'll get there.

But once you get really high,
Past all the rest of the people,
You'd realise the best tier,
Might be back where you came from.

All that hard climbing,
And at the top...
There might be no view,
No falls,
Yes there is quiet
and the sound of the gentle bubbling river source.
But you've left the absolute best behind.

Just because you can push the limits,
Doesn't mean you have to.
Grasp the moment,
Enjoy the fruits of your labour,
Lest you lose them forever...
Learn when to stop.

This feeling in my chest,
This swelling up,
Needing to breathe more,
Exhaling in staccatoes,
Like the very air I need to digest.

This sweet torture in my head,
This building up,
Of thoughts and memories,
Of wants and needs,
Of sweet touches on bed...

This hollowing of my stomach,
This everlasting hunger,
To drown in caresses and kisses,
This feeling of having known this,
Was not by any form of luck........

Make it go away,
By giving me more,
May I not hunger,
May I not think,
May I not breathe in difficulty,
For nothing is an overdose,
When you're here with me.

To dark ends my path leads me,
Passing scary turns and corners,
I don't see the end, and I know they're bad,
But still I follow, still I walk.

That ravenous thirst of something I'll never find,
That foolish rejection of that something even when I find it...

"Groan"

That feeling of hiding sadness behind a smile,
A thousand sorrows behind a laugh...

Cliche

All I can do is wait,
Wait for a miracle...

Or give up,
And live life a zombie...

*"Smiles*"

I seek for that which cannot be found,
To that mystery my heart has always been bound,
I strain my senses, but there's no vision or sound,
Everything just seems to go round and round.

Oh, when will I learn,
To stop to yearn...
And yet for that my heart burns,
And up and down, left and right I turn.

I look, I don't see,
I touch, but I don't feel,
I have no chains, and yet not free,
I laugh, but there's so much concealed.

I begin to doubt it's existence,
But maybe that's my conclusion...

To keep seeking, but not finding...

*That which cannot be found...

Yes,
Maybe I don't admit I'm not right,
And that's because I have a good defense,
It's because I'm not wrong.

‘Just go with the flow’ they say,
‘You can’t avoid the current anyway’ they say;
‘That’s the way it works,’ they say,
Who are ‘THEY’?

Round and round it spins,
‘That’s the way it works’ they claim;
Like sweet bread, buttered both sides their words are,
From the start, alluring and tempting.

Sweet is the fruit at the start,
Drenched in coated sugar,
And after ******* on for some part,
Reality sinks in, your eyes taking in the colour.

‘That’s not the way,’ you say,
‘It’s totally wrong,’ you say;
But now it’s their turn:
Who are ‘YOU’?

So what do you do?
Talk, protest, rebel?
They’ll cut you off if you do,
Who are ‘YOU’ to them?

And so you wait,
Wait for the time when they leave,
Wait for what’s coming for you,
And you then do the SAME.

At the end, did the questions arise:
Who are ‘THEY’, who are ‘YOU’?
Did the answer for this arise:
“WHO AM I?”

Like a perfect running clock it looks,
Ticking the minutes and hours away;
Not a soul checks the rusted gears and crannies and nooks,
Not until it’s too late anyway…

Stings of poison,
Every word that I hear.
Deep into the core of the heart,
Where its effects cannot be cured.

Stakes of wood,
Cut deep into flesh,
Yes I'm dead to myself,
If that was your intention.

So much pain, so much hurt,
And right after I've felt so much,
You make do like nothing's happened.
All meaningless emotions.

Wasted...

Silently watching,
Silently wondering,
If that's all you are...

That surface-level smile,
That skin deep smirk,
Concealing emotions worth a thousand pages.

"Is everything okay?"
The words flow out as easily,
As easy as they always do.

But those things in your head,
They don't run out from your tongue that easy,
As you give that smirk, hiding everything in that subtle nod.

Silently I wonder,
If everything is okay,
But I guess I'll never know...

And as I leave,
As I drag my feet away,
Looking back to see if you’ll stop me,
I pray.

And as I turn that ****,
That I’ve turned everyday for a year,
Hoping the tears would change your mind,
I pray.


As I walk down those grey steps,
Those steps that I tread on every day,
Sometimes holding your hand,
Sometimes laughing with you,
Sometimes singing with you,
I pray.

As I get into the bus, I look back,
Hoping to see your face looking out from that window,
And shouting out for me to halt,
I pray.

Even when I board that one way flight,
I look back when I’m at the gate,
To see you running up like in the movies,
And I pray.


But I guess,
That hand I once held so tight,
And promised to never let go,
Let go…

But I still pray,
Because miracles do happen…

DIE

You silently dropped me this word when you *left

In the vast darkness of the deep intoxicating night,
Sits an old soul sipping cheap liquor in the eerie orange light...

He smiles typing lines into a blank white page,
Not sure if the poison liberates him or traps him in his cage...

Occasionally he looks up, only to check his phone,
Just a reminder that he was (in fact) alone...

Deep down he knew, in truth he was not,
For the presence of someone lingering was just a lot...

He smiled for loneliness could try and try to tease him,
But never overpower the immense love he feels in every limb...

For he knew that love was ultimate, that it always won,
That if all else failed, he had, he was enveloped, he was and is loved, by The ONE.

The Mind spoke to the Soul one day.
"Over all the others, why did we choose this Body? It isn't the easiest, I must say."

The Soul shrugged and replied, "Well, you always liked a challenge at the end of the day."

The Mind snapped back " No, YOU liked the challenge. I just agreed with the one you liked, say what you may."

"NO, it was YOU who did the picking...."

And as they both bickered, the Body did all in its power to betray the rationality of the Mind and the purity of the Soul.

This intense emotion I feel,
In my dark, sacred space I try to conceal...
Wrecks through my mind at night,
Like some strange infectious blight...

I try to make sense of this pain,
To grasp at something, anything that is sane...
But thoughts just whizz by like a train,
Like an everlasting pinball hitting chains and panes...

No one will ever be able to interpret this complexity,
Not even Google, that ghostly reality that we depend on....
Maybe I've drowned to much in its toxicity,
To realise the joys of my own reality....

But try as I may,
Joy seems to just be another word...
For bliss, happiness or just plain gay,
And all that is far away, emotions not felt in my world...

Slipping away from memory,
Of oneself and of others'
If you don't exist in anyone's reality,
Do you actually exist?

I have tasted oblivion,
Enough, enough I say!
That I may be always a tiny speck of at least your imagination,
Every night I pray.

Yesterday I threw myself into danger,
Knowing full well what it would cost;
I cannot say what I felt was pain, disappointment or anger,
But mostly I felt lost.

But yesterday had to happen,
For tomorrow to be different...

Different? Or better?

But yesterday had passed,
And now I stand looking out at tomorrow;
Alas, I didn't think I'd make it thus far,
Guilty in the joy I allowed myself, cause I only felt comfort in sorrow.

The backstage pain is now in the past,
And I can imagine the applause ahead;
But here I stand, the solo cast,
In a production that was (is) meant to be great.

Here I stand...

*Today