I am putting my life on hold.

Not to waste it away

Not to
get lost

Not
to disappear

But to become better

To become the best version of me
so I would finally feel like I deserve everyone who loves me

I am not pausing my life
I am pushing the restart button
I am making changes
I am taking out the virus and filling it with self-love
I am learning to love

The Perfect way to “Grow Up Too Fast” is by being a spectator for as long as you dream
yet you know just by submitting an application, you could be on the team

Failed by a daughter’s first hero, the warrior geared up,
Dreams still filled of rainbows and unicorns, lilies and daisies,
fireplace and wooden cabin, hot chocolate and cosy blankets,
chase towards the sunset, walks on the beach and dives into the seas.

First, it was electricity.
It got so shocking, it became cringy.
It was a nice piece of candy, with an intriguing wrapping,
you took a peek and it came alive. Chasing and haunting.
Too eager to have you taste its sweetness, too eager to have you love its taste.
Later when the obsession died down, you realised it wasn’t the flavour you want.

Then, it was bonfire. It got cold, deep in the woods.
In the dark, you see the fire from afar. Attracted, you closed in.
The fire crackled. Your new favourite sound.
You sat by the fire, telling stories of a warrior, of how she dreams in her town.
Ways to take off her shields and disarm her.
It was too hot. The fire almost melts you with warmth.
So you took off your jacket and moved closer.
It burnt you. You became speechless, as you were the one holding knives, so why were you the one bleedin?

Shortly after, a friend came over to look at those healing stitches.
But the request to show the scars were too absurd. You overreacted.
Leaving you in disgust and you zipped up your jacket.

It was just a scratch on the surface. Yet you felt you were quickly catching up.
No longer the new member on the team. “You learn fast”, they said.
The burden, the distance, the emptiness, left you as you were, as skin heals in seconds.
It just made you more familiar as a player.
Bandage ready, you are set for a new Match.

Memories from a lifetime ago
Seems beautiful innocent and happy. 

All I seem to want to do 
Is go back
And hide among the curtains of white sheet.

So familiar 
So sheltered

An urge to flip through photo albums 
Gentle touch on faces that are strange yet peaceful

But it is all gone now 
Like waking up from a dream 
Then given evidence of the once-reality
How am I not to confuse it with a dream 
When all that fell apart 
Was the moment that door slammed shut 

Picture frames on the walls dropped to the ground
Just like how she dropped to the ground 
Leaving two kids standing hand in hand 
despite constant fights the sister has
One clueless on the surface burying it deep
And one helpless heartbroken ever since
With a baby girl weeping from their bedroom

The first betrayal happened 
before the young learnt of all the evils that exists
He too died that moment
From then on they grieved 
The child dont dare ask about the fairytale 
When she saw her empty eyes staring into space

From time to time 
A familiar-faced benefactor come along 
The ghost brought little warmth and support 
“I am turning out fine” she whispered with every step she takes

him - the only confirmation she gets
for her clueless questions about the princess-like life

Love makes you sick
It tears your guts apart and tie it in knots

It makes you feel stupid
Like an idiot even

Especially when the heart was always locked in a box
You took it out wanting to feel something
Opposing the exact reason you locked it up

It's fragile
You even place a tag on it saying
'Handle it with care'
however you still embraced yourself for pain
24/7

We hurt fearing hurt
Like a tug-of-war
one bears more pain when the knife strikes

But love is where we go back to always
As it makes you love your life at last

I covered my ears but I could still hear it.
Voices that narrate pictures in my head.

Noises
imprinted somewhere inside.

I would give anything to un-hear them
as there is nothing important left to give
Except you

But it felt as if waves that I produced
are pushing you further and further

And there isn’t enough faith to expect a return

My heart pounding so loudly and rapidly
I covered my ears to listen
trying to drown out other voices
It did not work

So I screamed
until I taste blood

Maybe
I could rip it out
It might just be a needle sticking further and further in
towards the centre of my heart

The pictures start developing from its own imagination
and my body grew weak

The urge to tore my skin apart
to grab a knife
to dig into my core
to take out all the parts I hate
to cut them all open
to see them so clearly
to expose all the virus

To realise
that is all there is

Blood went gushing out
I smiled with dead eyes
seeing as this infection
leaving my body
so I could finally rest

in peace.

I love feeling
while I used to fear it

Dark thoughts felt much stronger
than happiness that I know

Sadness became my fuel and obsession
I give it life
And in return it made me feel alive

But it is contagious
so when he came bearing the treasure they call - happiness
I had to let go of my obsession

Guess what my decision was...

A phrase that
carried weight
since childhood

Not only for how
fairytales
got me through
long weary nights

But the longer I write this story called
Life
I realise how it ends and of course knew
How it had begun

As a maniac
with worlds within
wishing to bring magic
with every touch

Every moment in life could be pinned down as a start
So the phrase would fit every moment any second
To deliver stories or emotions craved to convey

Or when lost
to be a compass
imprinted on her left forearm
With it as a reminder
that she is dancing on a canvas
brush in hand

Once upon a time
she was just so little....
then things no longer....
but fear not
as everything is going just where it needed to go
The End

People never listen anymore
With ears
They seek out the one who loves to spread words

People never care anymore
With ears
They thought have understood the story from the narrator

Infact they were the sidekicks
The insignificant petty villagers

While they could have asked the characters themselves
Paint the picture themselves
They don't care anymore
To put the effort in
They would rather just hear it from somewhere
Then pretend they learnt everything there is to learn about the story

Fact is
It wasn't your story to care for at the first place
It's not caring it's plain boredom and hopes to be the holy judge of 'none of their business'
Care is not like that

When will the peasants see
The truth
the truth that lies
lies between the teller and facts
the teller and players

Aurora, it needs a break.
After years of sailing, it could no longer fake.

Ardour could only go so far,
antithetical to talent and holding
ace.

All encouraged in good grace,
Almost there. They prevaricate, clearly did not
anticipate.

A few had a slice of the honest cake, un-
aware of how they caused an
ache.

'Aye! What absurd thoughts, mate.'
Annoyed by the voice inside create,
as the pirate couldn't tell.
A message from garden or well,
are solid facts or silly doubts?

Aquivering, he supined on deck.
Anxious, desperately he seeks for his
answer. Impatiently he awaits for his
anchor.

I value loyalty above all.

You stick by my side no matter what.

No matter good or bad, right or wrong.

Loyalty isn't agreeing with everything,
it is on your side, no matter what,
it is staying, knowing how wrong,
but believing one day would do right.

Loyalty is guidance, support and company
no judgements.

Like Alfred to Batman.

However, Alfreds are rare since the dawn of time,
I am grateful to have you,

but understanding betrayals.

No longer are you let into my heart.

Just because of
Authority,
I am silenced.

How I wish
one day,
I no longer had to deal with you
and your issues.

Because not until then,
even when I'm on the opposite side of the planet
You will still think you have power over me.

And you do.
Because I'm the best and worst daughter.

Blood ties me to you.
It chained me to your twisted mind.
and the most annoying and hateful voice I will ever hear.

and *******.
for everything ever.

Cuddly stuffed
Soft as pillows
Smooth sensation

Sweet tooth
From beaten cream
Melting into colours

Crackling woods
Bliss surrounding
Peace at home

Eyes on you
On my side,
between white sheets
Simple for eternity

The Perfect way to know for sure is “wait”
or you’re just leaping to the next thing you think that’s great, with a chance of running against fate.

Given a fairy-tale reality
You try your hardest to fight the insecurities
a motivation to finally learn to love yourself
The default setting,
”It's too good to be true."
embraced the idea of bliss soon fleeting

The beginning
Was everything sweet and heart-melting
it was pleasant and pure, simple and warm
It's sitting closer to you just to steal a little warmth
a lovely secret you swear to kept to yourself unless Otherwise
It is a fresh start from hell since you got into your birthday skin

The Otherwise happened
it was so unexpected
like two painters meeting in the middle of the canvas
Realising what they were painting
was just half of something wonderful
and together you created a masterpiece without knowing

Retracing that your entire life was leading up
to this
being overwhelmed
natural instinct kicked in
But being Home
Prevented it from happening
being home disconnects the motherboard

It was like being crippled your entire life
then given a walking stick
And I would ask for nothing more

Just grateful you added a new colour palette in my life
wishing. With you
I could finally
walk slower and enjoy the view I have always loved
Hoping we'd walk to the end hand in hand

How I wish we are so far away from the end
knowing even when we do
Hands would still be linked after crossing the line

I want the entire room to be filled with paintings we paint
trusting nothing could torch it, even with a burning fire Match

Even with the most gentle soul
The kindest

Even with the happiest life
The most envied

Even with all the dreams fulfilled
There still is a void

As it never was what’s outside that kills
But rather what’s inside

Within the sweetest face
Hides a ******
It kills whatever that is alive
And leaves you dead inside

You can never scream for help as
There is no helping
But to take it from within

So death sometimes
Is
the answer

There are so many things
that I want to say to you.

Countless things.

I once told you
"I will love you
for a very long time
until planet explodes....
then a while longer."

But I lied.

There will never be enough time in the universe
for me to express every last bit of love I feel for you.

I lied.

because there isn't an end date to this
this isn't some food or event
true love isn't an object
it is eternity

Thank you in advance
for forgiving me for lying
because eternity still does not feel enough

for all the things we dream to do together
for all the words we want to say
for all the moments we wish to take each other's hands

for all the thank yous and I love yous we'd say everyday

I used to dream that I would one day soar the infinite sky
That I would have white beautiful stunning wings
And I would fly everywhere and see everything
Oh how I imagined the joy I'd feel

Landing has always been out of the question
Never even planned for it.

Do not settle
I've always told myself
Go out and seek for more
I've always reminded myself

Flying above and below clouds
Discovering worlds never shown to men
Oh how dreamy it sounds

However, you showed me what a wonderful dream land could be
How the world looks beautiful too without being high up above ground
How the ground is everything more than I could ever hope for
How being here and feeling, touching could mean much more than watching, surveying

I could not believe I fell in love with land
remembering what I reminded myself
So I got so mad at myself
That I jumped into the deep blue dark ocean
Wanting to drown myself in blue

I see now as I slowly emerged from the waters
Where you waited in patience
That I wasn't caged like I always feared
As I chose to land
I chose to see what was in front of me
I did not give up my wings
Nor did I stopped being a dreamer
I did not loose myself

I just picked up a part of myself
that I never knew I lost

This moment
Too bold to put in words
Too stunning to be confined in a photo frame

so I tattooed it on my heart
imprinted it on my bones
feel it flow in my blood

I grab it tight
hold it close

I did not let go
even when I reach the end of the fall
and my body breaks into a million stones

There's a time where all I wanted to do was blend in
Then I realise being different gives me such thrill
I embraced it
Then all i wanted to do was stand out

You treasured your body,
you kept it for me even before meeting me.

I treasured my heart,
I kept it for you even before knowing you.

You once gave your heart away,
it came back bruised and broken,
I helped it heal after we met
But the thought bothered me,
I wished we met earlier
so you never felt pain like this.

I once gave my body away,
it came back numb and broken,
You helped it heal after we met
But the thought bothered you,
You wished we met earlier
so I never gave up like this.

You kept your body locked down for me
I kept my love locked down for you
so they are not polluted, so they can be pure as new
when
we collide.

I wish
we met earlier, so
I could give you the unbroken and whole me
that you deserved.

twenty-two
taught me to never
Abandon.
like my father

it taught me that it is not
Blind.
like my mother

it taught me it is to
Carry.
like any other burden

it taught us to
Dance. for
Eternity...

that life can be
Filled. with
Genuine.
Happiness.

we are barely twenty.
yet it was, is, will be
Infinite.

Love makes you greedy.

Two worlds collide. And slowly come together to become one.

You can't not expect an explosion when planets come crashing into one another. So when the two start to engulf each other, conflicts begin.

You can't help but feel an inbalance.
But love is never about equal feelings but rather both fueling the love together without regards to calculations.
However when insecurities kick in, you see how they seem to feel less passionate than you do and their world engulfing more of yours than you are theirs.

We then start to ask for more.
But did not realise it was never about how much was given.
It was always just bliss and enjoying of company and times together.

But sometimes,
we become greedy
we want more
but did not realise
we already have everything we need.

We already have them.

I remember
strips of swollen scars all over my body
the camera lens staring me right in the face
the ironic dreadful chuckle behind it
and I remember my tense, numb, weak, small body.

I remember
screaming at the top of my lungs
inside the small tiny space
then proceed to silent mumbling and strong words
and I remember my own sharp, long nails digging into my skin.

I remember
hours and hours of frustration
days and days of fear
weeks and weeks of hate
and I remember my guilt, anger, insanity throughout my years.

I remember
confessing and hiding
fearing and shouting
pain and nothing
and I remember my unloved, hated mind.

I remember
blacking out memories
having poor judgements
feeling worthless
and I remember everything and nothing that makes me me.

Why can’t we just run away?
Far from this
Anywhere could be home.

They say make a life out of this.
We chose life outside of this

Still it is ours
Not a dream
But the dream

I believe we each have two brains at the beginning
one — our own that develops into a whole as time progresses
the other — from our parents

somehow her part of the brain seem to ask for secrets
she lies and cheats, wanting to know how the other thinks.
she gains trust
and as the official secret is traded in a friendly conversations.
it is used to infiltrate the other
forcing them to merge as it craves to grow stronger.

it is the germ, the virus and the demon in me
I want it gone
but there is no filtering her blood out from mine

and that is the frustration I have since the day I land.

never have I ever been confident in myself

so forgive me
when I fear

that this 'love' I think it is
isn't The love

Trust me when I say
with all my heart,

I want you to be The One.
so very much
more than anything I've wanted ever in my life

which says a lot.
I have many wishes that came back as disappointments

But I've always known how blessed I am

So I wish
this time

with all the blessings I will ever have
for the future and love we promised each other
to be real.

there is not such thing as
falling out of love

It is either
Love
Or
All-the-feelings-mistakened-as-love

Fate has been the kindest
Defying society's cruelty
It tries its best to preserve
the shattered dreams and fantasies

Fate wept for the brokenhearted
Don't **** it
Fate is on our side

I could just be sipping on my cup of milk one morning
and suddenly decided I am not worth living
that I am better off dead

is it too early to think about bliss?

we thought we could have met a little earlier than this

Feeling is tiring.
because smiling, loving, hurting, fuming takes too much of your strength that caring about anything doesn't sound worth it.