my phone just died
right in the middle
of our conversation
I was sitting on a
friends' kitchen floor
with a purple blanket
wrapped around me
keeping me warm and safe
from falling into your words
and you said you loved me
and I didn't know how to reply
but after a minute of silence
I whispered
"I miss you"
but you never heard
because my phone died
and saved me from
making a fool out of myself
fur telling you the truth.

here i am
bleeding ink onto
a clean page
when i should
be safe and sound
with the dreams
that include you
and slowly become
my nightmares.

falling for you was like
jumping head first into
the deep end of a pool.
I knew I shouldn't
because the water was
too cold and too deep
but I did it anyways,
because I wouldn't mind drowning myself in you.

that's what you have called me
since you were about
one and a half.
who knows where it came from,
I certainly don't.
unless you were telling me
that I had a pizza face.
and maybe I did.
I was only 13
maybe 14.
you were the cutest
little girl I had ever met,
of course.
you still are.
a bit of an *******.
just like your mom.
just like your aunty pizza.
but cute,
loveable,
and certainly
wonderful.
you are hilarious without knowing it
laughing along because
we were.
you are going to grow into
a fabulous woman.
I know it.
and I know i'll watch it.
I know i'll help you
grow up, make mistakes, fix mistakes.
and Lacey,
Aunty Pizza
will always be here.
even if that's not what you call me,
that's who I am.

remember when I left?

you said ‘okay’

didn’t question

why

or ask what had changed between us

but I want to tell you anyways

it was not you

and it was not me

it was him

he pulled me out of you

so that I could fall into him

and although sometimes I hate him

I have to thank him

for taking me away

from you.

i just want to go back
back to the day
where you kissed me
you and i
on that roof
the memory
will not fade away
and suddenly
all over again
i feel the pain
in my chest
stomach, back
and my throat closing
as i hear those
two words
that you yelled over the phone
"i'm done"

before you were in my life

i wasn't a person who cared very much

about anything

i didn't care about myself

and i didn't care about anyone else

but then you came along

and made me realize

that not everything was bad

and if you could love me despite the things I've done

i have a live worth living

without you i would have hurt

my best friend, who shares everything with me

my mother, who tries her hardest for me

my brothers, who can't take anymore pain

my sister, who left, but came back for me.

if you hadn't came along

i wouldn't have met the people i love

i'm broken down
on the side of the road
and when people pass
they just drive faster
so they can pretend
not to see
so they cannot feel guilty
about passing someone
who desperately needs help
and i wonder why
they can get behind the wheel
when i can barely stand up.

i find myself curious about a boy
that stares at me as if he knows
i don't know what he knows
but he knows something
i think its about me
but he stares
and be blushes when i catch him
which is quite often
he has big sad puppydog eyes
and honestly
i would like to see happiness in them
i want to see a smile on his lips
that would match his eyes
he looks at me
behind square glasses
and white earbuds
shoved into his ears
playing loud music
and i am curious about him.

you were a bright light

that i had searched for in the darkest night




you were a secret smile

that i tried to keep for awhile




you were a small present that i had waited for

all though you were never mine




i had never known i'd love you this much

i would have never guessed i could grow so attached




you have changed me in every way

you made me start caring again




i'll never know how you did it

but maybe i'll change again, knowing how badly i ******* up with you




i had held you for awhile

watched you grow

heard words forming

saw emotions developing

and relationships forming




even though i'm gone

you have to know




that i love you more.




love,

aunty pizza.

At night, when I close my eyes I see my demons.
      One looks just like you, daddy.
      As a little girl, I run towards you.
      You grab my hand and tell me everything will be okay.
      But, mommy yells and you hit me.
     Daddy, why? I want to scream. But you no longer listen.
    A little older, I walk down the hall.
      I see my grandmother. She looks nice.
    But when I sit by her feet her true form shows.
She kicks and screams hurtful words.
I’m once again a little older as I stand up.
I get up again and I see his face in front of mine.
He opens his arms.
I think he looks innocent enough.
I think he won’t hurt me.
But, I’m wrong. He hugs me, and then pushes me down.
Down into a deep dark tunnel that I won’t come out of.
And that’s why I’m afraid to close my eyes at night.

i didn't want to be your ***** little secret

we shared one kiss and suddenly that's what i was.

a small smile in the crowded hallway

a secret meeting during class

a hope no one noticed you kiss my cheek

a hope no one saw us kissing on the stairs

a note in my binder

a secret no one needed to know.

please, i'll beg you

don't go

don't leave me

don't throw me away

even if i tell you to

don't listen to me

I'm wrong

i need you

more then you know.

do you remember the first time you saw me cry?

we were outside

when we should have been inside with our friends

you were on top of me

hurting me

i told you to stop

pushed your shoulders

and when i pushed you off

i walked away

zipped up my jeans

fixed my shirt

and started crying hard

you came up behind me and i wiped the tears quickly

hoping you wouldn't notice

the way my body shook

and i could barely walk in a straight line

all i wanted to do was scream

but you put your jacket around me

and promised not to hurt me again.

LET ME DROWN IN
MY OWN SORROW
YOU DO NOT LOVE ME
THE WAY I LOVE YOU
AND IT KILLS ME
AND I'D RATHER
DROWN
IN MY SORROW
THEN BE KILLED
BY THE ONE
I LOVE SO VERY MUCH

let me explore
let my fingers find
your scars,
your beautiful imperfections.
let them leave goosebumps behind.
let my cold feet find yours,
under blankets, but still shivering.
let my lips find
your soft lips,
your ears
and your neck,
to gently kiss you
again and again.
let my hands
run through your hair
and steal your hat,
claiming it as mine for awhile.
let my legs
wrap around you
and be prepared for
surprise attacks for piggy back rides.
let my mind
understand yours
and know how you feel
just by one look.
let my eyes
see all of you
and know that it is mine.

you tell me you are falling
falling for my eyes
falling for my smile
falling for my sweetness
falling for my craziness
and my dorky side
and you like to tell me
that i'm perfect
even when
my eyes don't shine
my smile isn't real
and i'm not so sweet
and my crazy likes to get the
better of me
and you especially like telling me
when i'm rambling
and talking myself in circles
much like i am now.
i wonder what you'd think of this poem.

every day, i warned you

about me.

about how I'd fight with you

how I'd keep quiet when i hurt

how I'd lose myself and hide.

but you never warned me about you.

about how you'd hurt me

in more ways than i could imagine.

how you could slap me in the face

and fight back

and blame everything on me

and leave me feeling empty and useless.

but you always had me crawling back, didn't you?

the first time you left me

i knew i should have let you

but i thought i needed you

and who could love someone like me?

so, i crawled back,

apologizing, crying and taking all the blame

and you let me

and you took me back

i might have been happy

if i could have remembered what happy was.

you will never care
the way I do
you can leave me
when i'm killing myself
from the inside out
when I stay and tell you
every **** time
you made me smile
or my eyes bright
just the way you like them
you leave when I cannot
concentrate on you
when i'm all over the place
but I stay when you're
drunk and high
even though I hate
how you talk and laugh
at things that hurt me
like they're a joke.
long story short,
*you hurt me every **** day

If I had died..
you would have to live with the guilt
the guilt of knowing
you killed me.
maybe you’d eventually
forget me
replace me
let go of that guilt.
but maybe,
when you look at her
in just the right lighting
you see my face
instead of hers
or you look at your daughter
and remember that you helped me pick
what ours would have been named
or maybe when you see roses or the moon
you’ll remember my tattoos and how badly I wanted them and how I always wanted more of them
and maybe you’d feel guilty again.

remember the morning

you shouted

"i’m done"

and I cried?

I cried and

whispered that

i’d be okay with it

if that was what

you really wanted

and you yelled

"yes! yes, this is what I want!"

and I hung up on you.

but I still can’t

get your voice out of my head

those two words

over and over

"i’m done"

Don't let me jump headfirst into this
Unless you have the strength
And the plan
to find me
When i get lost and
hold on to me
So i don't drown.

the first time i saw you


i recognized you


although i'd never met you before.
i'd never seen you before that moment


yet i'd felt i'd met you somewhere.
maybe it was like something my mother always talked about


maybe we'd known each other in a


past life


been lovers?


married?


friends?


siblings?


long lost love?
some long, sad and dramatic story
that had meant everything to us
and maybe i'm sounding crazy


by saying all of this


but i just


know you from somewhere.

we can play house all that you want
but things won't be that perfect
we can pretend to forget
but i can't
we can play nice
but we're angry
we could be in the same room
and i'd wonder where you'd rather be
you could kiss me
but i wonder who you'd rather be kissing
and i'll say goodbye
because there's nothing i'd rather do.

i tried hard to explain myself to you.


but i could never find the right words.

    and you never wanted to listen to me anyways.

that night in the dewy grass is long gone

but i remember how the cold nipped at us

the wind pushed my hair in every direction

you held my cold hands in yours

you laughed with me at my lame jokes

and you kissed me

it wasn't the first time

but it was different

and i liked it.

but all it took was

one push,

a shove, really,

that made it all

come crashing

down. and when i found the strength to

push you,

you snapped.

whatever you do,

don't fall in love with me

i'm broken

bruised and scarred

too familiar with pain

i'm lost in a nightmare

a world of my own creation


and it seems an though i can't be found.

you might wonder why

i never write poetry

about you.

maybe you don't.

but i'll tell you anyways.

i can only explain pain,

my own stories of suffering.

you make me happy and i can't explain that.

i can't explain how i get butterflies when you grab my hand

or kiss me

or when you put your hand in my hair while you're kissing me.

i can't explain why you make me smile so much.

you do something idiotic and it's adorable to me.

i can't explain why i trusted you so quickly,

i feel pretty stupid for doing it

but i don't regret it.

you make me happy

and i just can't explain that.

i am not good at writing
love poems
unless the love
is hurting me
i used to wonder why this was
but i have realized that
when i cannot cause myself pain,
i like others to do it for me.

the nights
i go so low
i forget who
i really am
and just want
to be torn down
those nights i need
you the most
but you are so
far gone,
out of reach,
vanished.

are you ******* kidding me
if i could i'd slap you
across the face
and my handprint would be there for a long time.
i can't ******* stand you anymore
what the hell did i do to deserve this
what the hell did i do to be lied about
what the hell did i do to be called names
what the hell did i do to you
you know what i did?
i ******* loved you
that's what i ******* did to you.

I am the bad                                                                           you are the good
the sad                                                                                                 the happy
the angry                                                                                            the mellow
I see half-empty                                                                        you see half-full
                                      but we get along because
I have a piece of good                                                   you have a piece of bad
a piece of happy                                                                              a piece of sad
a piece of mellow                                                                        a piece of angry
a sight of half-full                                                               a sight of half-empty
a little of you                                                                                      a little of me

it has been weeks since we have spoken

but I'm just discovering that we're broken




you didn't listen to my cries

and planned my demise




said goodbye to me

locked the door, threw the key.




put me on a shelf

so I could forget about myself




and watch a baby with her innocence

while I commit my sins.




and you can watch in fear while

I go the mile




to be there for Lacey

they way you used to be there for me.

i have one last favor to ask

place a kiss upon her head

tell her i love her

give her a hug

read her a story

or two

or three

explain to her why i've gone away

tuck her into bed

whisper "sleep sweet" like you always do

close the door and leave her to wonder

why her aunty who loved her so much

no longer makes her mac and cheese

or tries to steal her chocolate milk

or plays in the yard with her

or reads three books before she goes to sleep

but of course she won't remember me

she won't remember the real me

just the me that you have

created in place of the me i am,




love,

your youngest sister.

lost in a sea of red
i just want to stop the noise in my head
please, just leave me alone.
can't you see?
you can no longer help me
out of this ocean
because i am stuck in its motion.

i've had a share of
new england boys,
tall,
with long legs
that tangled with mine,
long hair
that loved to be played with,
lips that smiled
and kissed me a hundred times
after smoking a joint,
arms
that never held tightly enough,
and words,
oh their words,
were oh so sweet,
but oh, so unreal.
a promise of happy endings
that never came true.
so i find myself
running away from these
new england boys.

some nights i just wanted to scream

you robbed me of feeling

and i let you

night after night

you took my hope,

turned it to pain

and made sure it never ended

but before i fell asleep

i would remind myself that you loved me

and i loved you too

i tried to be what you wanted

and what you needed

but i'm just the opposite of both.

i wish the memory
of you would go.
you need to leave my head.
there are no vacancies here.
did you hear me?
we're full.
get out of
my head.
nobody asked
you to be here.

if you could read my mind

you wouldn't hear anything

my thoughts have been missing

all i have and stupid memories

on a good day you'd catch me thinking about the first time we kissed

on a bad day you'd have to deal with the nightmare of my memories.

broken bottles, broken doors, broken dreams

hole in the wall, hole in my heart

the way she abandoned me, the way i abandoned everyone

and i'm sorry if you see this

i wish you couldn't.

Are you mine
Or just mine tonight?
I can't help but wonder
How long this will last
How this will end
But maybe it won't.
It will probably end
the way everything else ends for me
in blood, tears and sleepless nights.

i am going to scream
i am going to scream
so  ******* loud
i am going to scream
so   ******* long
i am losing my voice
i am losing my strength
i am losing my *******  *mind

you make me want to scream

loud, unrecognizable words

escaping my throat

but I could never scream loud enough

for you to hear

so instead I write

letting the paper catch my thoughts

before they reach you.