Sister

not so long ago

i trusted you

and i looked up to you

believed everything you told me.

i knew you weren't perfect.

but you were perfect for me

you laughed with me

sometimes at me

but i laughed along with you.

i tried to do the best i could

i tried to be what you needed

i thought i was doing well

but not well enough i guess.

and you left me out on the corner in the pouring rain

and we both know i’ll stay there

until you come back.

I wonder how it will feel to get my sweet revenge,

to make you feel as horrible as i felt all those nights.

to make you suffer

in physical

and mental pain

the way I did for nine months.

To make you feel so ******* happy

only to have it all taken away

by someone who 'loved' you.

But, I still can't bring myself to do any of this.

The best I can do,

is be happier with someone else.

This is as close as I come to

sweet revenge.

"you okay?"
"no, i'm close to tears,
i'm close to a breakdown,
an anxiety attack.
i'm exhausted.
i'm falling apart
so ******* quietly
that you can't hear.
I want to scream,
god, I just want you to know.
I just can't tell you."
"i'm kinda tired, that's all"

This anger slithers up to me
From across the room
I am helpless as it sinks it’s fangs
Right into my heart.
This is the violent anger.
The anger that boils my blood,
The anger that makes me want to tear my own skin off,
The anger that makes me want to break all the mirrors in my room and play in the glass.
This is also the anger that makes me want to punch you in the chest, so you can feel that pain just like I did,
This is the anger that makes me want to hit you in the stomach so you throw up, just like I did at 3 am, and 6 am, and again and again even though there was nothing there to begin with.
This anger leaves me clawing at my own skin
Chewing my lips until they bleed
Biting my fingernails until there is nothing but blood in my mouth.
But as this anger dissipates,
I remember why I could never hurt you
And I remember that hurting me is hurting you too
I don’t want to hurt you

laying in the cold wet grass

with you on top of me

whispering things i didn't want to hear

telling you to stop

and trying to push you away

and i started crying

it was the first time you saw me cry

and you just watched.

i am walking across thin ice
waiting to hear that final
crack
that lets me know
i am about to plunge
deep
into the fridgid water
and i know i wouldn't even fight
to come back up
because once i go down
i cant come back up.

do you know the feeling
when people do not believe you?
they do not believe you could ever be
so sad
that you wanted to die
and they laugh in your face
and blame you
and tell you to stop being so dramatic?
well, i'm not being dramatic.
i just want to disappear off the face of the earth
and have no memories remain.
so that my mother would never mourn the daughter she longed for
and my brothers would learn to protect their daughters when the time comes and not a second earlier
and my sisters wouldn't have had to grow up so quickly to raise me
and you would not be in love with someone as careless as me.

february 14th,
you came into school late
carrying a dozen real, red roses
and one fake, feather rose
held them behind your back as you hugged me,
told me you loved me
And handed me the roses,
saying,
"I'll love you till the last one dies, baby girl."
and i smiled at you
and held your hand
letting myself believe you.
But, as usual,
roses withered away
and that last,
unlucky 13,
went up in flames
with us.

i see the way you've hurt me

used me when you needed me

and forgot me when you didn't

now that i'm no use to you

because of distance

you're trying to throw me away

but i still try to win you back

because i love you

whether you hurt me

or not.

i used to look forward

to the one class i had with you

but now i dread it only wishing for it to come

so it can go.

my legs start shaking and my heart and mind

start racing

competing to see who can

go faster.

i can hardly breathe

and i feel like i might

die

and if i did

i wouldn’t mind

maybe i could find some peace

and i wouldn’t have to go to

Room A110

to spend an hour

staring at the back of

your head

wishing you would turn around and see me, staring

and realize that you shouldn’t

have left me.

you whispered my name in the dark

i heard you over the sounds of the bonfire

over the football team being obnoxious

i didn't want to answer you

but you sounded scared

as i laid under the stars

in the cool grass

with my eyes closed

my body shaking

my mind remembering too many things.

say you love me.
say it like you mean it.
tell me you hate me.
I know you mean it.
say you can't take me.
I know you don't.
tell me I'm too much.
I know I am.

the room is spinning
or maybe its just my head
things are pulling themselves apart
or maybe I'm just looking through a kaledascope
my mind is screaming
or maybe its just my mouth
my hands are searching
maybe looking for you.

don't do this
don't
don't raise your hand up
not again
you're scaring me
look
now i'm crying
why do you do this
how can you do this
now i'll wake up with another bruise
but i know you don't care
how you leave me
you just care that i hurt.

i hate to say it
but sitting in
Room A110
feels so empty
without you
next to me
or two tables in front of me.
i can’t see your smile or stare at the back of your head
you aren’t here anymore.
but the last time you were
you let me sleep on your shoulder
and listen to your music with you
and you kept an arm around me
it’s amazing how quickly
things fell apart and how quick you were
to leave.

almost two years,
oh god, two whole years
and you still *******
haunt my mind.
still wake me up at night
breathing heavily,
bathed in sweat,
crying harder than i think is possible,
screaming for you to stop,
hands off,
not yours.
i haven't been
"yours"
for almost two years
and you still
hold a knife
in my chest.

do you know how you took me from myself?

i lost myself in you and your words

your words were drugs and i became so addicted

and you mistook it as love

but we both know how you can't handle love from a broken girl

so you ran

right into

her arms.

Your selfish ways
My violent days
Your whispers in the dark
My shouts from the heart
Your mindless thoughts
My thoughtless mind
Have brought the end
Of us.
Stop pretending its the end of the world
I assure you, it isn't,
It isn't even close.

please, get out of my head

you don’t belong in my bed

if I could throw you to the curb

I would, faster than you know

but i’m not that strong

and I wouldn’t let go

so if you’re leaving for good

don’t linger

because it’s what I hold on to.

The day
i saw you with her,
Holding her hand
and talking excitedly,
the way you used to with me,
Made me realize
I do not miss you.
I do not need you.
I never did.
i do not love you anymore.
I have set you free
the way you did when you left.

i've lost control
thrown into the backseat
of my hearts desires
all my defenses lowered
my reasoning pushed aside
my begging ignored
my sleep deprived mind is giving up
whispering a faint "yes"
when i know i should be shouting "no"

you will never take me
not alive nor dead
i am not yours.

it never fails

to amaze me

at how quickly

things change.

one minute,

someone’s there

then they’re gone.

one minute,

they care

the next they don’t give a ****.

one minute,

they’re screaming they love you

the next they’re whispering in the dark

telling you to leave

and i’ve learned a lesson here,

don’t trust anyone

because no one

can put up with

my endless ****.

I wish you could just figure it out

but instead

you’d rather make me suffer

though this pain

and, I know

you’re hurting too

but don’t you know

if you just fixed this

you would stop

hurting yourself

and me.

me                                                                                                                    you
I trust too easily                                                           you trust slowly, deeply
I am broken                                                       you have not yet been touched
I throw myself into "love"                 you throw yourself into what you love
I believe what people say to me      you take everything with a grain of salt

my smile is a lie                                                                           you laugh truly
      but I love you                                                         and I hope you love me
                                         because i'd do anything you ask
                                         because you are more than a friend
                                             you are my sister
                                         and sisters stay.

vacation was little hands holding onto mine,

hazel eyes looking up at me.

mouth pulled into a toothy grin,

a two year old giggle.

saying “i love you” and dreading “goodbye”vacation was hearing “aunty pizza!” all week long

it was snuggles and playtime.

it was a silent house without you.

vacation was melting crayons and staying up late.

vacation was my week with Lacey and I wish I had it back.

"stop"
"no you *****"
"i said stop! get off!"
"you deserve this"
"get off of me!"
"you're a tease"
"you said you loved me"
"i do love you"
'then get off of me!"
"no this is what you wanted"
"no it isn't this isn't what i wanted get off of me!"

what we had was not love
what we had was insanity
it was rough kisses
hair pulling
pushing and pulling
taking what you wanted
and giving what I needed
it was obsession
calling and texting
checking in
finding me when I wasn’t lost
making sure I wasn’t getting over you
it was heartbreak
you leaving in the hardest time of my life
leaving me alone to mourn the loss of two people

i have finally realized
why
why i stayed
and told you i loved you
again and again
after you ****** me over
again and again
its simply because
when i felt like
i was 25,
you brought me back
down to being 16
when you partied
i stayed home
with a baby
and you were my party
you made me drunk
even if i was drunk on jealousy
it didn't matter
because
i was your princess
i was your munchkin
i was your only one
until i wasn't

i seem to always
get the worst when
Christmas is right around
the corner
who knows why
but something about this time of year,
makes me so upset
so angry
so out of control
that i don't know what to do
i can get all the help in the world but
nothing helps
the way i need it to.

that night

when i pushed you back

and i got up

and walked away

crying

you ran up to me

mistaking my shaking

for being cold

and wrapped your jacket

around my shoulders

which made me cry harder

because i didn't understand

how you could hurt me

and then be so sweet.

every night you'd leave me

and I'd feel useless and forgotten.

you wanted me for one thing and

you hadn't even gotten it in the end

so i guess i win

even though sometimes it feels a lot


more like i'm losing.