What happened to you
Is part of your story.
And I love you even though
It came with no glory.
Because what matters to me,
Isn't your strength.
It isn't your ability
To stop, breath and think.
I thought it was obvious, but I guess I'll explain.
It's your heart, don't you see?
Though it's been through all this pain
It's remained earnest and pure.
Even though you can't see.  
Please trust me when I say,
That where you are is where I'll be.

You think love is a game.
That another persons heart is an experiment.
And though I love you,
I can't watch you dance in circles.
This awkard, hurtful
Relationship without a purpose.
I could give wisdom
Help, advice,or comfort.
But I'm too angry to speak.
To angry to put in much effort.

It's best not to hang around.
This has happened to me before.
I give up on things,
People, and Dreams,
It's kind of like slamming a door.
I know it'll hurt you.
But it could be worse.
I've taken chances with you,
And I'm sorry.
I know you'll be confused
And I can't help feeling amused.
Because this is always my story.

The girl who helps,
But who's heart remains glass
Never softened, welcomed or touched.
When someone gets close,
I push them away.
And soon I'll shatter
Because of too much pressure
And I don't want to cut you
When the peices go flying.
Because that's what happens
When people get to close to me.
And I simply can't hurt you,
So I'm setting you free.

Running through the parking lot
I keep racing.  
I can't stop.

Slowly I'm collapsing.
The blood runs down my arm.
I scream. I laugh.
My spirit isn't alarmed.

My hair is askew
My laughter fills the air.
After all I've been through,
I'm glad that he's not there.

But soon a shadow approaches.
I glance down at my stained hand.
I try to run, but he grabs my shoulders, I am not strong enough to stand.  

He holds my arm and looks at me
As tears run down his face.
"What the hell were you thinking?
You could never be replaced."

My laughter was gone
As soon as his tears escaped.
And so, as he holds me tightly,
I stare down at my knife
Now a foreign shape.

I pull free and throw it
As far as I can manage.
I take a deep breath in
As we go to repair the damage.

It's going to end,
I keep telling myself.
There's nothing in me to defend.
So I'll keep my heart on a shelf.
But how lucky was I to know you.
I loved you a whole lot,
So that's one thing that's true.
But everything else?
I don't know, I'm not sure.
Because if you
No, WHEN you leave
I'll question whether your motives were pure.
Was I used again?
Do I trust too fast?
Because if that's really true,
Then that "friend" will be my last.

She stared at the wall
Surprised by her lack of thought.
She used to stand tall
But cared more than she ought.
She thought there was a simple answer,
A way to stop the pain.
So she let the cold control her.
Never letting her heart take the place of her brain.
But now her once sparkling, gold eyes
Were dull and lacked their fire.
Because she left, at least in a way
And through this change, her control level was higher.
She thought no one would miss it.
Her laughter, her crazy mind.
And so I never knew it
Whether I was right or just blind.
And as I stare at this brick wall, I miss it.
But there's no one left for me to find.
I'm invisible.
Not to them but to me.
And believe me, I wish the answer was simple,
But I can't seem to let myself free.

This is my goodbye, I guess.
How did I get here.
Maybe all of the stress?

Or maybe all the pain
That just won't go away.
The losses with few gains
While no one would stay.

But maybe I'm wrong
Because some people stayed,
But they'll leave before long.
im just not worth the wait.

They say some people change.
And are gone and never seen.
Just not in the same way.
This, I thought was mean.

But now I realize it's true.
And this is my goodbye.
Because my soul is simply through.
Not strong enough to fly.

This small world I'm a part of
Will always be too small
Too small for what I dream of.
Everyone, afraid to stand tall.
I'm sick of being pushed around
Like a little girl who plays.
I'm tired of being expected always
To smile and nod for days.
Why are they all blind?
Why on earth can't they see?
They say I'm "one of a kind".
But certainly it can't just be me.
Just me who wants to escape this place.
And run as far away as I can.
From the people who smile
Then turn their backs
Surprised that I'm not their number one fan.
I'm sick of being belittled.
Pushed around, misunderstood.
So get me out of this place.
So I can escape for good.

I'm fine.  
I'm fine.
I'm fine, you say
You assume that I'm blind.
Then you say "go away."
But what would I do?
Sit there and stare?
Watching you whither
Like a far too young
Old man in a chair?
I don't think I could.
I don't think I should.
But if that's what you want dear,
I guess I could try.
But the more that I think
And the more that I cry,
I soon come to realize
I can't  watch you die.

You think I'm crazy
You think I'm gone.
But that's the reason
That we get along.
You think I'm insane,
Entirely bonkers.  
Like a mental drain.  
Completely off of my rocker.
There's a little poison in me.  
Just enough to make me grin.  
Because, you see, that's the key
To finding where I've been.
You think I'm crazy.
I say yes, baby I'm mad.
With my skin so pasty
And my eyes so gold.
The craziest friend that you've ever had.

Don't be so afraid.
Don't feel so alone.
Because look, see what we made?
We made our own hearts' home.

We found it in each other.
The love , the trust, and peace.
This joy is like no other,
And will tame our dark minds' beast.

So lease just let it go.
Let your heart be free.
I've made it clear, and no,
You're never going to lose me.

I like it loud.
You turn it off.  
Why don't you go?
You stand in shock.
I want to dance
You make me stop
You ruin us.
I stare at the clock.
All I can say
Is just get out.

Their story wasn't real.
They'd forgotten how to feel.
So they began to learn.
For they couldn't watch each other burn.
And so they walked
Side by side and talked.
Letting the pain of life
Glance off of them
Like blunt knives
They were stronger that way.  
As they chased their feelings away.
But they realized one day
That it wouldn't  go away.
The pain.
The idea was plain.
They needed to feel.
So they made a deal.
And their story became real.

Did this really just happen.
Did I understand what he said?
That simple "I love you" will ring in my ears forever.
Do I believe it?
Probably not.
Should I leap?
Should I trust him?
No.

My heart is strong.
Because it has loved and failed.
Because it waited too long.
It's been bruised.
Beaten
And worn
Till it no longer cares.
He says it gets better.
Those three words,
The words I am tired of hearing.
My heart starts to heal,
And it's better.
Till it gets beaten again.
And it's starting to harden.
Nothing can soften it.

I looked into his eyes
And told him it would be okay.
I took his hand
And told him I'd lead the way.

He told me he was fine.
That he'd found what he needed.
But he started to fade away.
And though I held on as hard as I could,
His heart froze
Like an unsuspecting flower.

And I watched in horror
As the smile I had once  loved
Became empty and meaningless.
And people didn't notice.

And I saw him breaking.
Slowly
Like a back bearing too much weight.
And I tried to reach out.
To touch his hand again.
To try to warm it.

But the he wouldn't let me.
And I was forced to watch him freeze.

My best friend said,
To "write it all down",
So here I am to compose.
Trying so hard to get rid of the darkness.
But there's something affecting my prose.

My mind and pen won't connect.
My, heart with the hurt it has kept.
Will stay silent, that is always it's task.
"Silent for how long?" He stares at me and asks.

I say I don't know.
That I'm tempted to go,
For I desperately wish I had wings.
He pauses and says
With no second thought,

Why don't you go write something?

When I let go of you
I smiled
Because I realized that I'm a princess
Cut from the blackest onyx.  
And the scars that mark my mind
Are harder than all diamonds.
Never to be penetrated again.  
And I move through this world
Quiet like a fire.
Never missing you.
Because you gave me scars.

The diamonds of the best kind.

You always think that I'm sad.
Or mad.
But perhaps
It is just that when I'm with you
Your spirit is too loud.

And I'm tired of listening.
Sitting in torture while you
Burst with pride and opinions and stupidity
I think I may soon explode.

And when that happens,
The quiet shy girl
Who you thought you knew,
Will transform into a fire.  
A fire that burns everything in its path.

She knew a boy
She let him in.
It was an accident, really
So is that a sin?
But she made the mistake
Of trusting this boy
And thought that maybe,
Just maybe
He could bring her some joy.
But her ideals were wrong
For his opinions were too strong.
And so, without knowing,
He broke the girl.
Without knowing of his wrong.

When you realize
A light isn't real,  
And the shadows are chasing you.
And the fire is consuming you.
You scream
And cry
And something in you
Dies

You see, there sometimes comes a moment
In a persons life,
When they finally say
Enough.
There comes a moment
When a persons heart
Realizes it's been through too much.
And in that moment,
That terrifying,
Hopeless moment,
They learn
And let go
And harden
Till they forget.
Till the heart turns
To stone.

Here's a hint:
Don't fall into love.  
Whatever love it may be.
For you'll pause one day
You'll think to yourself
Why must this happen to me?

Deep
A hard, painful knot in my chest
Fake
The world around me, everything I touch, crumbling to dust.
Long
Each day. Never ending pain, though I try my best.
Alone
No one is with me, not one soul I trust.
I cannot.
Cannot cope with the pain, darkness.
I reach.
Reach for my hope
Press it against my skull


Click.

Why are you still here?
Why haven't you left....
Please stay near.
My heart has been kept.

By the boy who comes and leaves  
Makes my heart skip three beats.
He keeps my mind safe and warm
While my heart turns hard as stone.

Should I?
Should I speak?
Or shouldn't I?
Maybe I'm just too weak.

Because when I see you,  
I cannot speak.
I cannot.
Cannot allow feelings to start to leak.

Because what will you say?
At my heartfelt speech.  
Will you reach out?
Till our hands meet?

Or will you pause.
As the rhythm of our friendship
After all this time
Sounds it's last beat.

Used to be..
Used to be..
I guess that's all you are to me.
For I've been clinging
Hoping
Wishing
That someday you'll come back to me.

But I am longing for someone who no longer exists.

Why was I obsessed over you?
You hurt me, and that's the only thing that's true.
So now, I transform my sadness.
I'm sorry about your troubles.
They will drive you to madness.
But now I won't be sad,
Wounded,
Insecure.
I HATE you.
My anger at all the things that you do.
And now I couldn't care less
Because my sadness has been transformed.
I am fearless.

We aren't children anymore.
Open your eyes.
There's army rising up.
Open your eyes.
Our generation can fight the dark.  
It will flee in sight of our light.
Open your eyes.

There once was a girl
Who saw the world
In a completely different way.
Then she met a boy
Who gave her so much joy
That she could throw all the pain away.
The boy came
And told her she was his light.
She knew he would play the game.
And though he tried with all his might,
He threw the girl away.
She cried
And cried.
Until she died
Then he, alone would say,
"I'll never forget her..
No. Not at all.
The girl I threw away. "

But I tried to tell him he was a star
He IS a star.
A dying star
In need of a shock wave of air.
I could be that air.
I keep saying that,
But it's a lie.
For he's a grenade.
Destroying everything in his path.

Thank you
For that moment
When
My heart was sinking
Mind was overflowing
Soul breaking down
Shaking.
Thank you
For that moment
When
I felt a hand
On my arm.
And looked up
To see
Your eyes.
Deep blue eyes
And a reassuring smile.
And I guess.
When all seems dark and ***** black,
Sometimes all I need is a deep blue.
So I thank you for that.

When I dream
I dream of many things.
But most often,
I dream I have wings.

Wings that will take me
Far from their faces.
Wings that will break me out
Of these worthless places.

I'm the girl who walked away.
Not chasing the stupid dreams
Stupid thoughts
Stupid actions.
Your eyes were blank.
Stupid.
Your arms were open.
Stupid.
I won't look at you the way they do
I see through everything and into what's there.
What's really there.
I won't be them.
I am me.
Smart.
Brave.
FURIOUS.
And you're still standing there.
But now I see.
So sorry to break your record.
But I'm the girl who walked away.
And I think that's fair.

You
So desperate
With such a longing to grow up.
You fool almost everyone.
But I see you.
Because I look past all the new.
The muscles you've worked for.
The strength in your stride.  
Because when I look at you
All I see
Are your hands.
Both hesitant and shaking.
Not certain of what they are.
Fiddling with nearest objects.
Unable to stay still.

You may feel
Old
Strong
And big.
But I don't see it.
Because you still have child's hands.

You ask me if I'm sad
No. I am not.
You ask me if I'm distant.
No. I am not.
I'm just listening. Just observing.
You're thoughtless actions amuse me
No. They do not.
They anger me.

You can fool many. Almost all.
So congratulations.
But no longer will you fool me.
So sorry,
But I know who you are.
      
             So know this.  

You will hear me when I say
That one day
You will crash.
You will get what is coming.
And I won't be back.
So good luck with that.

Tick tock
Goes the clock,
As my life goes on and on.
Time passes.
Memories fade.
please don't go,
I want to hold on

I want to re-live every hour
Claim back every moment.
You,
My love,
My brave soldier,
Have gone and died alone  

And I want to to back,
Look you in the eye,
Hold your hand in mine
And say it'll be okay.
But I can't.
All I can do is think
And wish.
Wish you hadn't gone that way.

tapping my feet.
drumming my hands on my knees.
smiling and nodding to your story
while making quick glances at the clock.
its nearly at the 40.
twenty minutes
till i can leave
without looking inpolite
your words, they bore me,
your sweet talk annoys me.
i'm sorry i'm wound so tight.
i value our friendship
but you just want to sit and flirt,
while i want to sprint and drive dangerously fast
and scream, and feel alive.
Your talking has stopped.
your eyes fixed on mine, waiting.
"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
i snap out of my trance and look at you
"only that I love you"
i don't know why.
why you take that risk.
and say that to me
maybe i really don't know you
i look down at my hands, then back at the clock, which is now at the 52.
my foot stops tapping as i look into your eyes.

           maybe i love you too.

Beneath the starlight
        I stand in an open field.
Wind diving through the  raven strands of my hair
        As the moon shines upon my face.
The night is, so full of life,
         I look up at the stars
And down  to the path illuminated before me.
         I smile
         and run.
Sprinting through the field,
         I am dancing,
               Like a child.
Free in the light of the nighttime sun
I let out a burst of laughter.  
I feel as though I am flying,
    No.
                    I am dancing.  

I have left the field. Now I'm sprinting through the forest among the trees.
This feeling. Dancing with the night.
The open field. The stars. The moon. The trees.
I begin to slow my pace and find my way back to my open plain.
Where I collapse and gaze up at the stars with the purest happiness I've ever felt.
It's indescribable.
                    It's magic.

She walks
You wouldn't notice her.
She has mastered the art
The art of blending in.
Don't feel bad.
There's nothing you can do.
She is fine with the act she puts on.
Want a happy, silly girl?
She'll give it to you.
If you think you truly know her,
You are mistaken.
Very few people do.
Only those closest to her heart
Which is sealed off.
Impenetrable like dragons scales.

My knees shake and my legs threaten to give out from under me.  
My face burns as I remember the gentle words you spoke to me.
You're oblivious, and it won't ever be the same.
It was a dream.
A dream that ended so fast.
I woke up with tears of regret,
with a sudden realization.
Fairy tales don't exist.
And I should have known that.

I'm tired of the stupidity that blinds my generation. I'm sick of coarse banter. I can't listen to your words. With all my strength, I block you out.

We are going through the motions of life like empty plays on a cold chess board. Knights and Kings and Queens. All asleep.

It's time to wake up. Lead lives with meaning. Rise up from the ashes in flames. Flames of hope and life.