I thought leaving I would finally be happy
Free of responsibilities
yet
I still feel trapped

there's this feeling in my stomach
  not like the sickness you feel when you have a stomach ache
or the butterflies of nervousness
  maybe this isn't in my stomach at all
it's like a bunch of deer running in a field
  but not gracefully
they're running from prey
  it feels as if my chest tightens as my stomach sinks
it's a mixture of anxiousness and worry

some days the therapist may ask,
"how are you doing?"
some days they may mention
"you look well rested,"
or bring up,
"you seem to be doing better than before."
But they don't realize that all these things are lies
that when I get home i'll break down into tears
wishing i'd die already and then pass out.
Is that what getting better looks like?

The amount of energy it takes to be as quiet as possible
while choking on your own tears and trembles at night.
The tears running down your face and neck leaving them to dry because you dont have the energy to wipe them away anymore.

The leaf on a tree hanging on for no apparent reason
When you can already see it crumbling to pieces.
Holding on to it although it's not necessary
Only hoping to be given life but death is irreversible
Finally coming to the conclusion you no longer can help this leaf grow
So let it go, falling to the ground, to be turned into something else
To be treated with the care that you could never provide
Even if you tried

Your words hit my heart like shards of glass
Cutting through my flesh
And leaving such large holes
That may never be fixed

So beautiful
Yet so painful to hold
Almost like a disguise
Hiding the pain
Under the beauty
Of petals

I saw your broken pieces
And i tried to put them together
But when you saw mine
You made them even smaller...

His words told your ears love
But your heart told you to run

Its funny how i write
All these words
But when i
Talk to
you i
Have
None

Your eyes are so cold
But so warm
At the
Same time

Your single because
Every time you say you like me
Than turn around to someone else
When I'm not around

You saw my pain and ran
Didn't hold on and comfort me
Instead you left me in the darkness
With my own thoughts and actions...

Little love in this heart
Thinking I liked someone that broke my heart
Think I'd heal and start again
But just break down again
The little love I have
From my wasted days in bed
Where I heal myself and heart too
Hopeing I'd find someone soon.

Why should I love
To get my heart broken again
To have more wasted days in bed
To text you and be left on read
To feel the hole in my heart
To sit in dark rooms and cut
Why should I love again
if all it brings is
Pain

It's not easy to stop drop everything and say I'm fine
It's not easy for me to let go even after all the pain I suffered
It's not easy to smile
It's not easy to laugh
It's not easy but I swear I'm trying.

I just want someone to understand
Understand the pain of waking up every morning to ******* that breaks me down to nothing.
Understand the loneliness I suffer from because my mother can't see the hugs she hasn't given me since I was 6
Understand the scars on my wrists that I did to myself cause I have zero self control.
Understand that I need to be sure your not going to leave me because it's so hard to meet people due to my social anxiety.
Understand that I've gone through a lot and when some days I'm off and seem sad it's because my life doesn't seem to get any better.
Understand that I don't want to hear his name or hear anything of him because he left me I didn't leave him and if he wanted me back for a daughter he could have came back.
Understand if I say I'm dead, great, or fine that I'm slowly contemplating my life and that I don't really want to talk about my problems.
Understand that when I try and talk to you I really want to talk to you and that you may mean alot to me and alot is more than some people can get.

i didn't want it to end this way
i didn't want to leave you
i didn't want to hurt you
but i didn't want to hold on to be selfish
and hold on to you when i knew
you'd be better off without me

your promises are like glass
you drop them
and they
break...

I am hurt
but so are you
you ask and ask
but I just say no
you don't care
you try and try
never giving up
because you believe
we're meant to be

you were my sun my moon and my stars. But slowly the sun never rose, the stars never shone, and the moon never came.