Am I wasting time?
or is time
wasting
me?

I bit my fingernails
to the bone
only to understand
the pain
that my pencils
have
withstood

I hate how
blurred lines
never made for
clear plots
and left
you with
a lot
of nothing
ness

Even though I wear
my heart on my sleeve
there are those
who are too blind
to see it
weirder yet
those who
choose
not
to

There are times
your look
tell me more
than just
a
"good
morning"

Even nature
knows
when the hearts
of lovers
beat to a different tune
summoning
the rains
to comfort the coldest
of feelings

The mind will never learn
until the heart does
and that's the toughest pupil
to teach

Flimsy
forevers
fortify
feeble
fantasies

A surge
raced from
my throat
...*****...
of toxins
left me
weightless
almost high

I feel much better now

It's funny
how “find”
has an
"eye"
in it!

I solemnly swear
for every time
my body craves
a taste of liquor
I put my pencil
to paper ...

For my days
are being diluted
I have no memories
my recollection
needs collection
from every bottom
of every glass
I drank dry ..

I need to put the cup down
and pick my
pencil
up

I slipped and fell from reality
Going down, I saw the silhouette
of myself waving back from the cliff of reality
getting smaller and smaller

My fall carved the air
with a bundle of chaos
dense with fear
and weightlessness at the same time

I am lost
between letting go and wanting to go
everybody goes at some point anyway  
between waving goodbye to what's better
and saying hello to what's bad
between loving to love, and loving being loved
or both,
I am lost between loneliness and aloneness
between confidence and bitchiness
between opening my heart and keeping it
and giving it to you, naked, want it?
between sobriety, and faking it
I am scared of changing and I am attracted to change
of walking away, when walking is my favorite hobby
I fear losing something, when there was nothing to begin with
I am addicted to turmoil, I lather my skin with recklessness
I inject my veins with the soothe intoxicating taste
instability
I question my lust for instability for chaos
for heartbreak and heart-mend
for unreciprocated love, for ... everything that doesn't make sense
I question my fabrication of a future, before I even say hi.

I am confidence wrapped in anxiety, that wears me like a gala dress
hugging my curves, with self-doubt
I am fake, a hypnotized being, programmed to smile
to blend, to speak less, to love less, love like that,
to compare, to compete
I am tired

It feels like
there are only so many times a heart can break
until the pieces get so small
that putting it back together
will take a lifetime

Tug at my
heart strings
sing to me
our song
of 9 years
let me
tug at yours
and create
the greatest
duet
lovers have yet
to hear

I looked up
at the sky
only to see
my heart
migrating
with
the birds