once you told me
i get in the way of your happiness

now, wherever my tired legs carry me
your fading shadow follows

my surroundings, nothing but props
drenched in memories, dripping our worst and best moments

if only i could soak up the residue
of the most breathtaking wave i have ever laid eyes on

remembering every deafening surf
i surrender myself to the cold pouring rain

each hard drop aches to wash off
the draining past from my empty face

once you told me
i get in the way of your happiness

but pure happiness
is just a colorless green idea sleeping furiously in our innocent minds

the last thing you told me
was your darkest secret
there was no after

no time to react
but only wonder
about not knowing sleeping next to you

when you shared what you did not want to
i stared not wanting to hear
no words escaped so i embraced you

you left in a matter of minutes
postponing to a later that never was
did you think you had scared me away?

a million things i would have said
had we been lucky enough
to meet again

you never heard how much you matter
we did not hug goodbye
i wish you knew: after all, i don't care

“i loved you a little“
a little bit of madness
a little bit of sadness
a little bit of life
a whole lot of you

can you believe all the little things that had to happen for us to meet?
every step, every breath i took to find you.

i don't believe in fate.

can you believe all the little things that had to happen for us to be torn apart?
it started with a bat and ended in a pandemic.

i don't believe in fate.

a story with a beginning so
      ordinary
            unintentional
                  insignificant
we weren't lucky enough to be written a worthy end

i wish we had something to blame for what is missing
      immortality
            infinity
                  ­forever
but we have always taken the road less traveled

compiling to an unfinished tale violently bursting with
      but-what-ifs
            i-wish-i-hads
               ­   maybe-somedays
i will recite the idea of you until your finger prints vanish from my brain

you read me everything yet left me begging in vain for
      explanations
            truths
                  insig­hts
i wonder what beauty we could have created

day and night
my thoughts are running in circles around you

at the break of dawn
i recall every minute, every second, every breath, every touch
when the sun sets
my brain conjures new memories
intertwining the real and the imaginery
afraid of letting you go completely
scared i might forget
the pierce of your brown eyes, the intensity of your cologne mixed with the scent of a gin tonic, the food stain on your pink hoodie, the raspiness in your voice
when you told me you needed me too

i know you have left
but does that mean you are really gone?

your kiss
burnt my lips
bruised my limbs
set me on fire

your look
shook my core
tore me apart
ignited my desire

i leave
my memory branded
stranded without you
waiting by the shore

just listen to me
listen to me cry
listen to me laugh
listen to me scream
be my ears
for i am deaf to my own sound

your bullet of hate
shot in our infected heart
as it lay wide open
longing for true compassion

united we stand
bleeding the saltiest tears
crying over those
you have brutally taken from us

you will not win
we will not be divided
we are warriors
our holsters overflowing with love

tell me what you're scared of, baby!
don't call me that
why are you so quiet?
no need to whisper!
i am screaming, you are just not listening
who burnt those marks on you soul, sweetheart?
i am not your sweetheart
why so upset? does it hurt when i put my finger there?
******* for saying that
why would i ever want to hurt you?
because you like to see me suffer
is that what you want, suffering?
of course not
why hurt yourself then?
it wasn't me
then who was it?
don't ask that ******* question
less cussing, more loving!
just tell me what you want
i want you to be happy, honey!
i am as happy as can be
you are lying to yourself!
shut up and let me be
if only i could, baby girl!
but you won't let me go!
i want you to leave, please
with you every second of every ******* day
until you give me answers, angel!

everytime i think i have finally arrived
found happiness
in the empty, hot desert
found some shade to rest in
midday comes
the sun shining bright and hot from above

no place to hide
nowhere to escape to

i used to think that
          everything is nothing without you
oh dear
          how wrong i was
after all
          everything is everything with me

i switch to my jeans
i slick back my hair
i take off my shirt
i show off my abs
i slip on my martens
i put on my glasses
i light up my cig

i also come in paperback

i have this picture in my head
unrealistic
of me returning
to the place where it started
breathtaking fall colors
as if i had never left
of me dialing
hands shaking
i hear your voice
have counted the days i didn't
"i'm back"

everything happened so fast
we cried
i left
and just like that
it was all over
like we hadn't meant anything
as if we hadn't loved each other
it was nobody's fault
except for maybe life's
we had promised to stay together
a promise we couldn't keep
i wonder whether i am the villan
you stayed behind waiting
miserable is all you were
i couldn't watch
and he made it so easy
easy to forget
how much i loved you
despite the ocean between us
you saw me being happy
and you hated him for it
and i hated you
for not wanting me to be
you made my life colorful
it all faded without you
i was scared of the dull grey
and he sparked a fire, brought light
it felt like being saved
how unfair to want that
i disgust myself

writing will keep them close
words make memories alive
i catch myself thinking
throwing up yet another line

right outside our tiny refuge
lives a magnolia tree
strong and beautiful

blossoming only for a handful of days
we find its beauty in pastel colors so brief yet breathtaking
to be adored year after year without fail

only in the perfect spot will a magnolia thrive, your grandma says
how do you know whether you've found it?, i ask
you don't until you plant it, you answer

i will not try to change you
i will not fight you
i will not be naive

i will accept you
i will wait for you to come to me
i will love you no matter what

i promise

she is not the person you want
she will never be
even less so what you need
or think you need at least
she is chaos
just like you
don't fool yourself though
two negatives don't cancel each other out

your jokes make her laugh, happy as can be
a moment of plain thought passes
they drive her up the roof
you want too much
she can't give it to you
you expact too much
she shys away from you
you tell her to do what she wants
but she doesn't understand the meaning of those words
she feels duty and responsibility
not just to herself

she cries, changes her mind, all smiles
while you talk like there is no tomorrow
you think she is upset
when really there are just a million thoughts behind her eyes racing one another, nowhere to go, nowhere to be, nowhere to hide
she cannot be nice to you
don't you understand?
she cannot be kind to you
don't you get why?
you want it all from her
but she can only give you pieces, small and broken
there is no whole left to give

i bring an extra cup of orange juice
every morning to keep you healthy
while you take an extra step
to keep me sane during quarantine
all i want is to pay tribute
to you who taught me a million things
but all i bring is orange juice
hoping that it will make you feel a little better
i wish i could give you a flawless world
since you already conquered it as it is

oh what a fool i was
so scared of who you would be to me
i believed i had seen the dustiest corners of your mind
i was afraid it was all a lie, all a joke  
every door, each window wide open
i was scared you would know me too well,
scared i would love you too much
oh what a fool i was
the only thing i should have truely been afraid of this whole time is being without you
because that is the real scary stuff

written were uncountable lines
about the bonds we firmly tie

if only they were imprinted on our skin
visible even to the most ignorant eye

would we finally be less ashamed
of who we truely adore

eventually be able to celebrate
what we feel deep in our core

imagine all our loved ones names
tattooed for everyone to see

never again would we deny
that unconditional love is key

one we carry burried in our chest
protected by walls of shame

we could scream and shout and holler
our one most favorite name

the outside of our bodies
covered in glowing art

showcasing the one true treasure
the words sparked in our heart

it was nothing like i had expected
but of course not
it was less
less dramatic, less emotional, less draining
your car came to a halt
you casually leaned out of the window
"jump in"
as if we had just seen each other yesterday
two years came to feel like two days
and i was relieved
relieved to know that you are real
we didn't fight, we didn't cry
we were just us again for three breaths
i have missed you, my friend
it was the perfect end

an itsy bitsy virus
violently stole you
from the gentle embrace
that was never firm
afraid you might feel too loved

when you had slipped away loudly
the gentle embrace felt empty
looking for you
with big longing eyes
wherever it traveled

deep down the gentle embrace knew
nobody could fill
the throbbing whole you had left
nothing would replace
what the itsy bitsy virus had taken

we study lips
yet no sound
can convey
what remains unspoken

we draw trees
for every sentence
then refuse
to paint the leaves

every word
we know how to create
but creators
we are not

the history of language
walks our tongues
we admire
without adding

we analyze
written or spoken
to avoid
our own

i was searching for the moon
the one you've been staring at
but i ain't waiting for the moonlight
because i'd rather see what's on the other side

three small words

the first time
i felt sick
could not believe
never heard before
never felt before
called you foolish
but only after
did i understand
your painful truth

people always leave

and so did you

you have been awake for three
three breaths
three puffs of your cigarette
three hours
what difference does it make

exhaustion is all you feel
in every fibre of your worn out body

you keep moving
although your legs are lead
lead that has not yet fully hardened
you stumble

smoke fills your lungs
you inhale as if it were your last breath
and take another step

body hurting
mind wandering
you lie wide awake
cuddled in comforting darkness

you wonder
why and how
while the glistening sun
burns deep wholes into your dark soul

thoughts drizzle
merging into a wild stream
that leads you
into the darkest forrest

beautiful old trees
block your vision
that is clouded to begin with
by a million dry tears

in the far distance
you spy with your redened eye
what might be a blooming glade

                                                 R U N  
                                                 F A S T E R

tomorrow will come

today i need more, so much more
today i want to hold on to you
smell the sweet smokey scent of your hair
as the softness of your lips mixes with the goosebumps on my neck
today i don't want to forget
focus on you, just you
laughing away my past and future
injecting fear with every word

tomorrow will come
the return to my daily hell
of scraping you off my skin

once you were gone i stopped writing
and hand in hand with the words unpoken
left the wholeness you had planted in my heart
when you turned around i could see snowflakes imprinted on your back
staring daringly at the little tree growing in my chest
i tried to protect and nurture the words in my brain
that after all were just the leaves of what had once been a seed in the form of a single look
the cold that filled your absence
froze the river that had watered my mind
and each leaf one by one turned yellow then brown before it sank to the bottom of it all
left naked and vulnerable, the tree, it died as the did the words
while i watched the sun and warmth that you embodied get into a car
and drive away without looking back

you burn me
yet you soothe my wounds with your words

i set you on fire
and then lead you to the river

you are the flame
offering the light to find my way

i burn you
and abandon you in pain

you set me on fire
then hand me the oil

i am the flame
you try to escape

we destory
to build back up

together we burn brighter
our fire shining bloodred

together we create a flame so high
it swallows our surroundings

we stand in the middle of the ashes
and look at each other

i can see it flicker, slowly dying
a fire that burned once brighter than our love

i pour in all my heart
longing for the flames to soar back to life

aggressively i throw wet wood, needing to heal
when rising smoke blinds my senses, cuts open my lungs

all the shining colors are gone - red, yellow, gold
as smothering darkness sits on my chest

accompanied by deafening silence
that swallowed the healthy sizzling noise

i stare at the orange fervor, mesmerized
unaware of the tears desperately watering my desiccated eyes

no matter how beautiful
all fires burn out

when the world burst into flames
you saved yourself
watching as i caught fire

i reached for the saving water,
threw it at you without hesitation

thankfully apologizing
you turned around and walked away

left behind a blazing flame,
a tower of smoke in the dark night sky
reaching for the gleaming stars

how many coincidences make a rule?

they say i must be special to you
they say i must be nothing to you
i wish i knew what i was
i have evidence for both

your heart is full of songs
written by the people
that changed you
for the better and the worse

the room is empty
you hear them
deep down in your chest
harmonizing for attention

don't cover your ears

i can only be as close to you
as i am to myself
because you are me
and i am you

you can only be as gentle to me
as you are to yourself
because i am you
and you are me

we can only love each other
as much as we love ourselves
because we are one

all that i have written
each carefully chosen word
drowned in ethanol
to preserve its exquisit taste

transformed my longing mind
into a beautifully morbid museum
shelves overflowing with jars
in them infinite letters - all dead

what an insult to their existence
swimming gracefully in toxic fluid
deprived of evolving further
oh friend, what have i done?

you had wondered what it felt like
the hair, it looked liked wire

what was underneath made you question
everything you were, all you had ever been

never before had you met anybody
quite so ordinary yet so all-consuming

you ran your fingers through it
the wire felt like coming home