You left your honey mouth in the cupboard, so
today your words are fogged glass
Don't you ever ponder upon the bruises you leave?
stained glass is considered art,
but it's not until you put it somewhere
to be admired that people know.
I saw you from a mile away-
like a kitchen fire
and someone's (dead) body.
But you were humming that melody
that made me seasick with its radio waves, and
made me burn bright with shame.
I always thought that maybe you'd see your
reflection in the puddles at your feet,
and that you'd try to change it
with your rain boots, dip them in the unwelcome depictions.
But I know that you'd continue on with your life,
saying that the reflected you was nothing
that you were something. You, in flesh, in spirit
You claimed you emptied your bones and filled
them with pebbles so you'd be grounded, when really,
you were just stuck in a rut,
smelling of sea water,
trying to get some sleep.
I tell myself that you were not wicked,
but why else couldn't you rest?
You sip your lemon tea
out of a little ceramic bowl,
telling me it tastes better that way,
but you weren't always all sour mouth
and sharp tongue.
You used to be fragile like a storm,
and wild as a starlit night,
diving, with the bruises painting you a melody
you couldn't hear, but saw
nonetheless.

i never thought i'd become this but here i am not knowing, just doing. you don't say the things you used to say and i guess that is alright, i guess that is fine, i guess i'm running out of guesses now. my actions are full of consequences and those consequences are full of nothing important will you tell me that the sky is the limit, you're eyes are the limit with limitless depth. you said that one day everything would be okay. you ******* promised me that you would never stop calling me beautiful, but now you don't disagree when i say that i feel like a ***. what do you think i do? i can't do anything but pretend like i never loved you. what can i do if it's not being deprived of sleep you being the thought that fills my brain god it hurts. your eyes matched my name and we were meant to be together but nothing goes as planned.

i've got my eyes set on the sky but my feet are nailed to the ground. gravitational pulls and cosmic love are contradictory, what can i say?

you can't see where i get it from though, all this love love love love, and babe neither can i. it lights me on fire and tears me to shreds, it makes me scared to go to bed, and all this thinking of the love i can't get to rest when i do, it keeps me awake at night.

i have no time to die, i've got things to do and people to see and nothing you say can stop me. (except for those three words that blue eyed wonder has said to me lately- but i am his friend, i am his friend, and he love love loves me, so you can't stop me, you can't.)

these days i have become well acquainted with these facts.
a. i am not loved
b. i can not be loved
c. i am broken
d. i will always be broken
and e. no one wants to share this madness that drips from the words i speak when i'm sober. (i'm always sober the only thing i've ever been drunk on is love love love. god i have so much. oh god, i can't stop.)

i'll swing like sinatra, rock like a rolling stone baby, and remind everyone of the mixtapes they used to love love love when they played seven minutes of heaven in their mother's closets on a saturday. the closet i used to hide in, but i'm clean now, wearing green, and my name is blue blue blue.

i'll have a little baby girl one day. i'll call her baby blue and she'll spit fires and cry snow flakes, and she'll remind everyone of how they used to love love love love love.

i say tell me

you say el

i say please

you say okay okay okay

i say stop stop stop

you say i love

i say no one

you say well yeah but

i say okay okay okay

you say sorry

i say *there's no need to be sorry i did this to myself

i.
i still feel you in those times when i can drain the pain from my veins just long enough to smile, before it rips my skin and crawls its way back into my blood stream.

ii.
you are every poem i have ever written about love in a nutshell. you are so **** pretty. your pretty is a shredder, still ripping me to particles when all i want to do is sleep. forever.

iii.
i'd sing no doubt but you don't speak anyway. if i disregarded that though, would you see the irony? would you see that what i mean is i love you, i love you, i freaking love you, and i'm sorry i didn't try hard enough.

iv.
i still think you weave words like blankets for newborn angels. even when the blanket is wool, and it's itchy, and god babe, was that last poem about me? because if so, i want to ask if i'm a baby angel or if i'm just one or the other, a baby or an angel. because right now i don't feel like either, i just feel lost.

v.
you make me sick.

vi.
not because i don't love you.

vii.
i'd prefer you burn me with words instead of whipping my already scarred heart with silence. now my wings are falling off and i am falling apart with them. the cloud i'm floating on is pitch black and its on a pathway to something horrible.

viii.
i define fragility with silent sobs in the back of my throat. my wrists still throb even though for almost a year, i've been totally clean. the amount time i've been clean is coincidentally very close to coinciding with the amount of time i've known you, and i don't know if ever knew you because i never thought you'd just go like this.

ix.
i left for you. almost everything i do is for you- why don't you understand?

x.
i'm still not ready to say goodbye so the change in the weather tries to do it for me. it says that a new season means a new life, and since i didn't know how to live without you in the old one, maybe now i can learn to live without you in this new one.

xi.
this is almost a goodbye. one day, maybe it will be.

one day
i'll know the softness
of your skin
and the strength of your bones.

you know i love you so,
even if i could never
have the courage
to say it.

when all i see is my darkness
pitch black and uninviting,
you see shining stars,
and moon-lit clouds with
silver linings.

i love how when
i'm with you,
i can be my abnormal
clumsy
dysfunctional
self;

and you just match
my weird,
break my fall,
assist my functions,
and care.

thank you for being such
a great thing for me,
for making me happy,
for being an unexpected
but wonderful
addition to this life of mine.

♡ blue

he leans in to kiss you. his lips graze yours, a careful brush, so close but not close enough, as the two of you breathe the same air. his breath is warm, his body is warm, everything about him is so warm when you feel so cold. next to him you feel like ice. and his touch melts your cool skin, and you’re melting, melting, gone. you’re kissing him, your chapped lips on fire. your baby is the sun and yes, you know this is going burn eventually. it burns already anyway. but you’d burn into ashes for him. you’d fade for him until there was none of you left.

his gaze leaves nothing of you. you burn until you smolder every time he looks your way. he’s older than you, and it’s almost like he’s lived so many centuries before this one. and he calls you “my love” and “baby boy” and he makes you feel soft even when you’re sweat drenched, even when your skin tastes like the ocean.

you’re on fire, but it’s alright. / there’s pain in this desire, but nothing’s felt more right.

icarus, your baby is a fire.
no.
your baby is a thousand fires.
your baby is a thousand fires,
and each one is so beautiful,
that you don’t mind
how heated
things are getting.

this love is tragic, dear icarus.  and although you know it’s going to **** you, or maybe even because you know it’s going to **** you, you can’t stop loving him, and the heat radiating from his skin.

"you know we (your friends) would never leave you right?"

"i mean, that's what they all SAY until ****."

"well, i won't leave"

"promise?"

"promise."

the inside of me is overgrown with moss and kudzu.
tell me i am an issue,
cut me down and yell timber.

don't make it a question
make it an exclamation.
a statement of the things you've destroyed
to make room for something new,
but not bright eyed.

i am an overgrown tree
with roots too far into the darkness
of the cool dirt-
smell the musky scent of my bark
after the rain.

even if the rain couldn't wash this away,
at least your ax stopped it
from growing.

no matter how low to the ground
you cut me down
i will still have
my roots.

i want to slow dance the spring away.
i fall in love with you everyday,
and if we don't have forever
that doesn't really matter.
the moments we've had together
are enough to set fire
to my hesitation
and ignite new intentions
this is worth all of the heartache
that i may later have to face.
and all of these days
have blown my mind
because i never thought there'd be a time
when i'd love again.
you're more than a boyfriend,
you're a best friend.
and in this splendor
your love is tender
i couldn't do better
than you if i tried.
when i'm with you i'm alive.
i'm glowing,
i'm holding
onto you
because i've never loved like this
i wish,
i could say i did
at one point
but i've never ever loved this way.
which is to say,
you make me feel like the world around me
could crash and burn
but i wouldn't care,
because you put out the flames in my head,
i could say it's not fair,
how i want to compare
you to every season
love you beyond reason
kiss you until i'm breathing
the air you're needing.
but thank you
for loving me,
when no one bothered
to give me a chance
and as we dance away the spring,
your smile's still my favorite thing.
baby, who needs redbull,
when you've already given me wings?

i never knew that a body could be so intriguing. i never understood the appeal of michelangelo's david statue.

why, i wondered, would a huge naked man draw not only the eyes of millions but be awe insiring and cause people to look at themselves as a part of a larger scheme?

but, oh my god. i look at you and david? he has no chance. he is made of marble, of stone, but i have a real boy, a living boy.

i will swallow my pride for a moment and admit that you are freaking  beautiful, more than i, and that is when you are clothed.

i could stare at your smile for hours if it didn't make me feel like i'm dying. if i could do so whilst breathing. i look at you, and i feel like i am a part of a greater scheme.

because, there's a chance that i could some day see the most honest way we compliment each other. more than just touch, more than lust, we could be love.

the fact that i will one day know the map of your body like a home town, like my childhood house- david never got the kind of love i want to give you, i'm sure of it.

i imagine that david tasted like cinnamon and guilt with a little bit of victory, or at least, i imagine that's how he would taste to me.

but you, you taste like freedom and fire / shyness and desire, and i'm telling you i would gaze upon you like you are art.

you **** all of the giants and monsters and evils in my head with your words like flying stones.

david has nothing on you babe.

because while he is crafted form marble, i stole you from the stars.

i fell in hole i just couldn’t get out of
i let my thoughts be spoken aloud. love,
just tell me the truths that i’ve never heard,
and i’ll write you some pretty songs about birds

(or something.)  but, i wonder how you would ever treat my scars
the light inside the world is bright but i still feel dark
(inside.) but in all of these moments i just reminisce
about the ones i can’t help but miss.

and i’m on fire, fire, fire. x2

but you make me want to live in this one moment
with your leather jacket, with your arms wide open.
there’s something to you, and the gravel inside your voice,
when you say to me ‘hey, i love you’ like i never had a choice.

and i guess i could fly in those space ships that glow,
but with my luck they will crash and burn like apollo.
you’re a bicycle and i just need learn how not fall,
but the taste of grass isn’t bad and it feels kind of soft.

i don’t mind the burn, the burn, the burn. x2

i’m a bubblegum babygirl, so pink i feel just like lace,
but i’m stained, and impure, yeah you can see it on my face.
and i do believe in god, i promise i do,
but i'm really wanting to lose all religion somewhere quiet with you.

everything is colored in a seafoam like green.
when i’m not even in the ocean i’m somewhere in between
heaven and hell and the dumpster we call earth,
but i don’t think you’re trash for whatever it’s worth.

and i’ve burned into ash, ash, ash x2

i can't wait to cuddle with
you at a coffee shop,
on a bench,
with the smell of coffee beans,
and you,
blending into a gentle symphony.

i'd have a mint latte,
and maybe we could share,
and i'll say something stupid
like thank you for the day.
or i really like you.
instead of
freaking kiss me, okay?

then you could walk me
home, my heart
dancing on the way.

tell me
what you want
because i want you

you look the same way
the sunset paints brush strokes
on the horizon

i want to be your horizon.

sometimes we love without a reason why, without knowing anything except for this. the way we clumsily work toward interlacing our fingers reminds me that life isn't perfect until we're content withthe fact that it's not perfect.
you make me see all that life can be. with you here, i am more than content. i am happy.

you changed my life.
like an autumn evening
changes green to red.
to yellow.

your smile is my
favourite constellation.
and i play connect the dots between
the corners of your mouth.

you make me love.
myself.
life.
the world.
you.

*always.

ripped out my lungs because it was already impossible to breathe;
there was a light in the dark, there is something that i need.
i will keep going, stand on this glass beach, and
i'll sing baby, baby, baby, i just want some sleep.
yeah, i just want some sleep.

when she's talking to you your mouth hangs open
but not as open as her heart that she sewed to her sleeve
when she was thirteen. everyone says she reads like an open book,
but you think she reads more like a tombstone.
she has an expiration date and everyone knows it,
but you want to be there until her light dies out.
no doubt about it, you've lost your mind, but she
was something you couldn't slide under the rug
she kept coming back.
oh god did she come back, looking like a goddess,
and you were taken aback, trying to stay honest
but honesty is only the best policy until it reveals her frailty
over frivolity, she's precious, impressive, and beautifully combative-
but never ever yours.

slept with the devil when he promised me the love i lacked.
somehow i was surprised when everything went black
his face and eyes gave me a heart attack, and
he was my baby, baby, baby, i was just a fallback.
lust never more than a fallback.

everything about me is sick.
maybe in the rad way i used to be,
or maybe i'm just ill.

there are worse things.
my body could turn on me
while my mind is going sour.

(my soul is rotting you can smell it on my breath.)

my eyes are always open
and life-
it isn't sweet enough.

sweat drips down my spine
and i shiver while someone
whispers hallelujah in the silence.

(i'm sorry but i am no longer a green girl. my leaves are turning brown.)

albert kamus is this
absurd enough for you:
loving and loving, running dry?

everyone says i'm not a waste
of the space
i've been occupying

but i dare not occupy yours.
you are too clean,
and god, am i sick.

collarbones kissed with lace ,
a sweet song nibbling at my earlobes,
falling into safety nets
and blessings being whispered like
prayers in the night time.

this is love.
this is being alive.
this is being aglow.

the girl's body feels like that of a goddess when he touches her thighs. he says that when he kisses her she tastes like love and something he can't quite put his finger on. it isn't until she pulls him closer that he can. he realizes it's longing that he tastes.

who knew aphrodite longed for anything? for anyone?

the girl is soft her cheeks coloured like redwood, her hair dark and wild, her eyes brown. she's warmer than usual, but her hands are still cold. when he asks to kiss her, she doesn't want to close her eyes, she's afraid that she's too high up. mount olympus doesn't care for mortals, but she doesn't want to forget this one.

yes. aphrodite longs all of the time and as his laughter waterfalls down her spine, she doesn't remember anything but his brightness, that he is what makes her beauty.

goddess of love met her match. a mortal boy that feels like the god of autumn causes the leaves inside of her chest to fall and change colour.

she paints her love in shades of red. her hands on his body are pink-rose at the palms. this goddess of beauty has never seen any of her potential. perhaps it was wasted until he looked at her with disbelief, because she's never felt worth that gaze, but gods does she want it.

he looks at her and he just wants to occupy the same space forever.

*she looks at him and holds all the love in the universe in her hands.

my organs in a snapshot
//
i might rip my lungs out because you’ve become my every
breath, and i can hardly deal with ache in my chest. is it love?
everyone can tell that i am different. everyone can tell that i’m
glowing and maybe it’s because of you, maybe it’s because the
two of us make something like starlight. you are the very
creation of every single constellation, you are my inspiration,
my oxygen, the very consolidation of truth.

you rip my heart out and bring it back moments later. it’s laced
with fairie lights and twinkles, and somehow it’s still whole.
you are the only person that has not torn it apart.

god, babe. no one i’ve met has made me want to sing the way
you make me want to sing. i’m resting my head against your
chest as we dance to our favourite mixtape. slow and sweet,
like maple syrup. it’s been almost three weeks and i know
exactly what this means. the butterflies in my stomach turn into
fireflies and they love you.

and now you’re thinking,
baby, you’re golden,
baby, i’m holding
on to you.
baby you’re golden,
baby i’m holding
on.
baby, you’re golden
baby, you are,
you are,
you are...

in this pestilence and heartache,
i doth lie here without remembering
an instance where i shall not stay
in this quietly bleeding prison

my hands have groped the air
for a phantom amongst the breeze
but there is no longer a soul to spare
when i am brought back to my knees.

i feel my prayers are but thrown
fruitless pleadings to the sky
my truths to bear, are mine alone
never will they be your plight

you hold your head to my chest
and we dream away the time
this prison feels like a prison less
when your heart is calling to mine

you blew a hole
through my fragile skull
and planted dandelions to grow
inside of the soil
you poured
into it

make a wish before they're gone
*make a wish, baby, make a wish

we can be like alice
but not like the one in chains
we will be free, freer, freest.

swallow the magic potion,
shrink from the drink that dripped
onto our palms.

your palms will be sweaty and cold pressed to my face-
your eyes are ice, your love is lice
it makes me scratch my head.

we'll be small
but we'll feel twenty thousand feet tall.
we are a leaf of grass.

maybe it's just the change in the weather,
but i want to shrug on your sweater,
and ride your miniature horse until sunrise.

hushed voices are almost screaming
and careful footsteps seem to be running
i'm thinking of the way i used to feel.

beautiful??
lovely??
a godess??
stunning??

worth it.

riding those miniature horses
until sunrise
seems to be a waste of time again

because when morning comes
they are always men again,
and i don't want to be small anymore.

i'm rolling
trying to change
where i'm going
and all of my habits
you said i'd change
but i still haven't
look at how bad i'm damaged

sixteen
you're only a little
younger than me
but it doesn't matter
you don't love me because
i flatter
you, yeah you know
that i won't get better

but somehow in this path and
along the rocks that haven't lasted
it doesn't matter how the past fits
in this
lifted
up to be buried beneath
the secrets
i didn't feel his love like i needed
but you make me feel bright
like i'm glued into the sky

i'm sorry
that couldn't get rid
of my folly
and all of my anxious feelings
you always know
what i need and
somehow i'm so incomplete
my thoughts are constantly speeding

impulsive
the water looked cold
but i dove in
and all i saw was starlight
as we walk together
side by side
you are still mine right?

but somehow in this path and
along the rocks that haven't lasted
it doesn't matter how the past fits
in this
lifted
up to be buried beneath
the secrets
i didn't feel his love like i needed
but you make me feel bright
like i'm glued into the sky

the places we leave,
they whisper old songs when
we fall asleep
and yet we hear them.
now there’s

mayhem in the way the clouds
intertwine with the sunlight

basslines we thought we’d forgotten
play in our heartbeats
remembering our fears,
and yet, we dance.
see, there’s

blank spaces between stars tonight;
there, they leave traces of you

you blew out candles
like it was nothing and you’d never
lost your breath the way
i’d lost my mind,
but there’s

something in the wind that is softer
than the palms of your hands were

and when you love there is
a hurricane inside
of you

it is impossible
for you to love
with your head
above water.
so there’s

saltwater in the places your coy
fish thoughts laugh and i miss that

you can see something on the horizon
it’s a dream you’re chasing after
and i hope you can find him.

you could shine through every darkness
on any given day
i knew that your eyes held the promise
that you'd never lead me astray
because of you i'm living the life that i wanted
that's something i never thought i'd say
and you are where i'll always find solace
i just hope that you can stay

and i know i'm no walk in the park
but i'll go anywhere in search of your heart
i won't ever stop gazing at the stars
but they're not as good as you at burning a hole through the dark

and you are a sunset on the horizon
so softly astounding and pure
and you've got sunlight in your eyes and
i've never wanted anything more
as much i want right now to be blinded
by those stars that i adore
and i have forever decided
to be the ocean to your shore

and i know i'm no victory march
but you have warmed my wintery heart
and if this is where our history starts
i hope we can be all that sky whispers we are

you're the georgia sun
autumn's breeze
glow in the dark
sundays
saturdays

i feel
like a sproutling
wishing
wanting
swaying in the breeze
until i begin to rustle

i do not think i am depressed,
but i've been showing signs of depression.
i'm holding on until
until
until
god knows what/when/where.

i need
something
bigger.
i need
to be
repaired.

your love is flower petal soft,
and i hold it here between my
index finger and thumb.
there is something in our touch
that electrifies.

i would split my bones
to give you strength,
and when you reach out
to hold my hand,
i know you would do
the same.

i want to touch my lips
to yours,
because they seem so alone,
and i want to rain over you
like a sky so blue,
but i don't want to reach
too far.

i'm bathing in your light,
and i've somehow emitted
my own.
when you give to me
a glow i've never held,
my hands don't know
what to do.

and yet i still learn
how it feels to
feel/know/want/touch
again.

i want to inhale the rosemary of your aura until it settles into my veins. i want to bathe in the honey that sits in your voice. I want to drink you in/breathe your air until the two of us blend into one person, until your breath is mine.

god, i love you. i love you and i want to give you all of my good moments while still letting you into the bad. i just want to share my life with you.

one day i will memorize your skin and when i close my eyes, i will feel what it's like to be near you even though i am not. i don't know who i am, but next to you i like myself.

i want to tell you to close your eyes. i'll trace your eyelids with my thumbs, put your bottom lip in between my lips, and kiss you like you are an angel, because in some way you are.

i'm ******* glowing, like fireflies and faerie lights, i'm the sparkle in your eyes when you glance at me when you think i'm not looking. you're everything i can't remember, but i know.

i want a slow dance in october, i want whatever love that lies inside of your chest until you cave in. and i'll still love you when you're fragile.

sometimes you just need someone to
tell you that it's worth it,

that living isn't a game
only played
to lose.

i lost everything in moments
i couldn't count on my fingers
and toes.

all my blessings are coming,
i'm sure,

but i'm so blind
that i don't really see them anymore.

sometimes you're sad for no reason
and people ask you
why?

and you cannot answer.

i think this city's
lost stars
follow your light
to find their way
back home.

flowers bloom from your
eyelashes
like they belong there.
but then i look at you,
and i think they do.

you make me laugh,
you make me glow,
you make life
seem worthwhile.

your smile is intergalactic,
and you are a radiation
destined for a rotation
that's bigger than
you could imagine.

the gods fawn over our love.
they spent so much time
on us it seems.
sprinkling us with beauty and aligning our
stars.
i'm reminded of how moments evanesce,
but ours, they span lifetimes.
and as our lips touch clumsily
like children learning on a street corner,
what it means to love another
for the first time,
they watch.
we, as their creation, glow
and you can see this light
for miles.

the possibility of you,
of slipping bodies spilling truths

still drives
me wild.

listen,

for i've been touched
by moonlight.

i put you under my spell
and it seems just as well
that yours has got me high

this love that we keep
together do we sleep
under this moonlit sky

we glow brightly in the dark
like streetlights or like stars
we both are made of light

and if you hold my hand
together we could stand
let us never say goodbye

you undo me.
no edge left untouched
no string left unpulled-
you undo me.

but underneath these tattered edges
and this unloved spine,
and inside of my burning ember eyes
and blood/love drenched heart,
is something that loves
something that's loved.
you undo me.

i don't want to rush this
because even without the
butterflies in my stomach flying
into your lips
you undo me.
god, you undo me.

there’s a sea of people running away from the smoke of their pasts.
they call out the names of their mothers, and ex lovers
they look up at the sky and fear that the moment
they've been waiting for
has happened already.
call me a stranger, it’s okay.
it’s okay to say that the moments are evanescent,
because they are.
but it’s not okay to pretend like
they never happened
because they are here. fading, but here.
i’m here. fading into the blur of people, but i am here.
tell me something.
tell me i’ve been running towards the wrong end
of disaster, or that the world is upside down and
i’m actually walking on the ceiling, and
that years, and years, and years ago,
people used to swim in the sky
and swallow mouthfuls of the galaxy.
wait a moment.
i know it’s been too long,
because i’ve waited for ages to dance in the moonlight,
to go
around and around.
there is no remedy for going in circles.
but to take the straight path would turn
me into a straight-edged square.
i’d rather not become that version of myself,
that person scares me.


/


the night sky is easier to imagine
when
you close your eyes with that classical music playing
in your ears, flannel sheets wrapping your body
in their embrace.
i embrace the lights in the night that are lanterns
floating in the dark conquering it, if only just for
a little while.
they say only light
can conquer the dark
but they never really tell you whether or not
the dark can ever swallow the light
in its mouth of black holes, whirlpools,
and eternal sleep.
the lanterns go out,
and where are we but in the dark,
making ourselves into something
that is almost useless,
but not
pointless.
are you ready now? i ask.
are you ready?


/


your cough syrup throat and my candy corn teeth
are playing hide and seek,
i’d never make you bleed.
the glitter on your eyelids remind me
of a time that was prettier than this one.
the stars would  s  h  i  n  e
and b-l-i-n-k like neon lights,
and they’d carve our names into the bark of the
sky, a memory of the oceans we drowned in
when they stretched between us.
your lispy words, and my groggy voice.
mornings, and skydiving from the chandeliers
into a pool
of deeper thoughts.
i’m caught up in my imagination,
it’s the weights around my ankles
pulling me down
into a more dangerous place
where imagination and reality
collide.
i find asylum in the everyday nonbeliever.


/


hurry on now, my darling, it is getting late.
hurry on now, my lovely, although you can’t run from fate.
these celestialities are all driving me mad.
this celestial city can’t be all that bad.
it can’t be
all that bad.

dramatic fears spilling on a canvas
from my leaky eyes
i've tried the other options
but they seem vaguely painful
too intimate.

i hate that i've let you close
because the closer you are
the more it will hurt when this
doesn't last.

i'm washing away in this flood
and i'm going to pretend it doesn't hurt
this much, to love
and be afraid.

they tell you to play the game
but you hate it

it’s breaking your spirit
and you want to get out
of your head
but at least there you feel like
no one can get you.

or well
that’s what you thought.
you thought that
if you stayed in your mind
you’d be fine
but it betrays you

intelligent
existential
no good
get OUT of my head

please just get out of my head

they say sad times like these only come during changes of weather, and they blame it on your circadian rhythm. they could be right.

i just know that i don’t like sleeping anymore, because my dreams aren’t dreams, they’re visions straight out of hell. that’s where i’m going anyway, if those things they say are true. (***** little ****, let us fix you, okay? your feelings are only manifestations of the distance between you and your mother. lying is a sin, you can’t lie to god. suicide is sin, and you can't sleep your life away one day you'll awaken, until you don't.) but god, being awake is almost worse.

but there are some bright lights and, i swear, i’ve been holding onto them like my heaven and i love them so much and everything might be okay even if there are times when i can’t differentiate my sad tears from the ones triggered by joy.

maybe it’s okay to be awake, maybe one day i’ll be alright. maybe it’ll be soon. maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe...

bubblegum princess, open your eyes. (pop) i see you in your tower but there's no prince- i bet he left you so he could die eating peach pits in his vanilla ice cream. (pop) bubblegum princess, your mind is a desert but your heart causes warfare behind the dunes. (pop) bubblegum princess, one day you'll lose your gum and your crown. then what will you be but sorry? (pop)

i'm pretty **** sure that i'm in love with you
and that's scary as hell,
i'm scared i'm going to lose you,
even though you say things to me,
you make it seem like you won't leave me,
but they always freaking leave me.
okay so we've only been together officially for a week
i've liked you for longer
and you've liked me longer
and this is so ******* scary
because last time i felt like this-
no last time i thought i felt like this it was
a disaster. but then, everything with you
is so refreshing and wonderful and perfect.
different. maybe my friend is right and it's just
because i've had bad taste in guys and you're
just legitimately good.
but there is nothing that's "just" anything about you.
everything about you is so so so so so (!!!)
so i'll keep this love in my chest for now, i guess.
*(but one day i'll say it and it'll be wonderful.
one day i'll say it
one day i'll say - )

there’s no real gold, but this kind is for fools like us who don’t know any better.

you make me feel like the world is ending, so i allow you to smile at me. i let you hug me and ask if i’m okay. i say yes. i’m just tired. but there’s so much i don’t tell you: how your baby blue eyes make me feel like everything is crashing and burning, how when you hug me, i feel like we’ve made a fire in antarctica (something warm in this cold warzone of a world).

stop worshiping young gods, false gods, no god- this place is not a temple.

you are nothing. i want you to be nothing to me. because the last time i felt like this, i got my heart ripped out of my chest by his pretty, stepped on by reality, and spat on by every person who said, “i told you so.” the stars are my hope, and the sad thing is that all of those stars are already dead. maybe it’s troubling to think about it that way, but it’s all that i’ve got. but with these hopes and my fears i can’t be free.

i’ve got petrichor trapped in a bottle, and melancholy in my eyes and they sing hallelujah.*

i tell my friend that i like the way you smell in the morning. for ages i haven’t been able to why. i’ve known you for over a year and only now am i figuring out why. it makes you human. it smells like brand new, clean, and sweat. yes. there’s something beautifully strange in the way your most human attribute is the way you smell after walking to school, but this prison might be the only way i can feel you hold me when you know i’m not okay.

don't bruise my mind with your
spat out slurs that fall
to my feet
with
a thunk.

don't fill my pretty little head
with insanity-notions
and those lies
that
are pernicious.

don't tell me i am prettier
when i am angry;

you want me
when i am angry;

you'd **** me
when i am angry.

don't.
don't.
don't.
don't
say you love(d) me.

past or present tense
the lie is still tensing

the backbone
you say i don't have.

don't look at me.

*your eyes aren't the only thing i won't miss on my body.

sometimes when i get bored,
i revert to my childlike nature
and press my fists to my eyes
until i begin to see mini galaxies.

but sometimes, i look at you,
and i see the biggest galaxies
that stretch beyond everywhere
i've been, and everywhere i will be;
suddenly, you are everything to me.

i need someone to pinch me
so i can be sure this is real,
so i don't have to be afraid of
waking up (the way i'm afraid of living/
breathing/existing/losing/grief).

i could talk to you for
hours on end and not get bored,
not revert backwards.
because i don't need to close my eyes
and press my fists to them
in order to see those stars and
planets and everything else anymore.

not when i have you.

he's with this girl now, she got eyes so blue
it sort of makes me sick
he's with this girl now, her name is savannah
she's in his life where i used to fit

and i know it's been too long
since my hands don't remember his face anymore
and i know i've got to carry on
but i don't know where to hide away
and i know it's been too long

i've got these thoughts now, lying in bed alone,
i'm cold and shaking bones.
i'm kind of lonely without holding my own,
i'm sad but i don't know.

and i know it's been too long
since my hands don't remember his face anymore
and i know i've got to carry on
but i don't know where to hide away

peach coloured cheeks
sweet tea lips pink and sugary
georgia, oh georgia
a song buzzing on the highways

true love bleeding rubies
gems and glitter
love and need
cuddling under florescents

dream state
all this time i have been set ablaze
shocked

electric shock from firecracker veins
transmitting energy from my soul to yours
soft skin
one hundred percent cotton

i ran away when there was no place i wanted to be
but here

summer is so hot and lonely
and sometimes i wonder
if the skin i am in
betrays me to the world.

i forget without forgiving,
i remember without wanting to
and yet
i want to remember
deep breaths,
georgia,
driving with the top down while
going eighty miles per hour
on a no-name/
dead end
road.

please.
remind me:
why can’t i just fly into the sun
and
feel the heat melt away my flesh
until i am no longer a body?
until i am just soul?
until i am freed?

the starlight/sunlight/pale light
keeping me alive has the power
to tear the life away from me.
do you believe it?

wherever god is,
i think she is crying,
but she’s laughing as well.
she’s laughing at pain, she’s
crying for love, and
somewhere there’s a sun shower.
children are playing and dancing in it,
and a mother tells her son
that “the devil is
beating his wife.”
a son tells his mother,
“this feels
too much like love
to be an act of violence”

and so it goes.

i was empty
  something was missing
until
        recently
you made me whole again.

you give me physicality.

hugs and hand holds
hands holding my face

in between them.

you gave me proximity.

walking on the sidewalk
your breath lingering on my face

when you turned to speak.
sometimes our fingers grazed

you gave me love.

one cannot know love
until it is a breath from the mouth

of someone beautiful.