Apparently
Something within
Believes that I must pay
For my one **** good day
In blood

C’mon
Why do I have to suffer
Why don’t I get a vice
Why don’t I get to stumble
Why won’t you let me fall
Why can’t I show weakness
Why can’t I indulge
Why can’t I break a rule or two
Why can’t I get into some trouble
Why can’t I be bad
Just let me do something bad
Let me break the rules
Just do something for fun
Something that feels good
Because right now everything hurts
And it would seem everyone else
They all get to be weak for a bit
Everyone else can stumble
Oh, but not me
No, not the perfect one
She wouldn’t do that
No, never
She doesn’t have desires
She doesn’t lust
She doesn’t crave escape
She doesn’t want to have fun
She doesn’t want to be happy
BECAUSE YOU
YOU TAUGHT ME
TO FOLLOW RULES
But now I’m suffocating
The weight on my back is heavy
I’m getting weak
But that can’t happen
No, she’s perfect
She doesn’t get weak
She always does right
She’s always virtuous
She never would do that

Haha
But you know what?
I’m ******* human, dear ones
I need people around me
I cannot survive alone
I’d like to have ***
Yeah, I’ve done it alone
I would love to get high
Yes, I would actually like a drink
In fact, I’d like to be very drunk
I connect with that dark music
The kind that screams about torment
I’ve sliced my own skin
I’ve thought about dying
Yeah... at my own hand

Right... but I can’t, can I?
Can’t indulge, can’t go dark
Because you’ve trained me
You’ve programmed me
There is always a fear response
You are responsible
You are why I’m like this
You are why I don’t have friends
You are why I’m not like them
You are why I can’t enjoy anything

I’m so ******* done with this
Being “strong”
Whatever the hell that means
I just wanna be normal
I’m done.
I’m so ******* done.

I’m not perfect
Stop making me out to be
You just make me want
To watch myself
Fall from grace

Littered in scars
Marks of carelessness
Of stupidity
Of childhood
Of accidents
But you.....
My tiny pink line
Fading already...
You seem so eager to leave me...
Only about a centimeter long
Small and delicate
I put you there.
I remember well
kinda...
You mean something to me
I’m not quite sure what yet
But I think
That of them all
You are my favorite
I want to preserve you
I’m begging you not to disappear
You’re far too important
And if it comes to it,
I will ensure you remain.

Do it.

JUST ******* DO IT

you coward.

Finish me off.

Make me

a̸̡̖͍̬̘̯̍̀̔͋̐̑̌́ ̴̪̲̼͋̇̕m̶͙͐̀ṓ̴͓̮̇́̔͊ń̸̯̜̦̼̦̼̓ś̵͉̻̗̈́̅̐̒̆̓̕̕͝͝t̴͇͇̟̘̳̙̔͆͒͗̑e̵̢̧̼̲͎­̺̖̻̳͕̓̒͒̋r̷̜̟͎̤̤̲̣̋͗͑́͗̓͝

I don’t have friends
I have people who’ve
Forgotten
Abandoned
Disappeared
But friends?
No.
Apparently I’m not worthy
I’m fundamentally flawed
Desperate to feel cared about
Yet repulsive to those who’d care

I fought my fear
And it taught me
How to be
Brave

Can’t feel
Haha xD
There’s nothing there
No nagging pain
No sorrow
No buzzing anxiety

nothing.

I feel free

Burdens have disappeared
Evaporated
The tears ceased

They’ll be back
But I literally don’t care

Ah...
What bliss!
To not feel a single ******* thing
Forget pleasure
How unnecessary a thing

What bliss...
I just needed to let go
I don’t want it back
Don’t wanna go back
Can’t sleep
It’ll only end it
Break the spell
I don’t want to be in reality
I like this better
Pleasant apathy
In this time
I get to be free

i wish
sometimes
that i could just stop
everything
just
freeze
for a little while
until i
can
collect
myself

I wanted to be sad
To mourn for her
The young lady there...
Suffering.
She’s felt a lot of pain
Felt deep sorrow
Shouldered awful burdens
Experienced mortal terror
Over and over again
She didn’t know
If she wanted to continue


But I swallowed their solution
It saved me
I can’t complain
But now sleep is creeping in quickly
Won’t be keeping conscious long enough
To sit and be kind
To my self from last year