I can’t get you off my mind
I think about you all the time
I keep you close to my heart
I hope we never part
You make me smile every day.
Even if you just say Hey
You’re always on my mind
It makes me feel so blind
You say that I’m Amazing
I can’t help but gazing.
Even though we are far apart.
We can be together at heart.
Some days I just stare at your eyes.
That is when the time flies.
We talk for hours and hours on end
Forever and ever my friend.
I wish we were more than this
That would be true bliss.

I don't care anymore.
I'm not playing games anymore.
I finally said my goodbyes.
I looked you straight in the eyes.
I can't live life like this.
I can't pretend this is bliss.
This experience made me stronger.
Maybe I'll live a little longer.
They call it a boyfriend for a reason.
Because everything ends in a season.
Why say love if you don't mean it.
Why say trust if you can't believe it.
The experience made me stronger.
Maybe I'll live a little longer.
Nothing is ever what you expect it to be.
So why expect, just let it be.
I've been given labels that have been hard to shake.
But the worst was your girlfriend and that took time to make.
I once was your girlfriend and that's what i wanted.
But what I want now is not to be haunted.
By the memories, I've loved.
The ones I miss and the ones i hated.
And the ones I relive.
But I wouldn't give up this experience for the world. It has made me stronger.
Maybe it will help me live, a little longer.

I'm curious. How does it feel to **** up two relationships in less than two months? I bet it feels ******* fantastic. Just don't convince the next ***** that you actually love her. Give her a heads up that you're all about the *** no matter how much you say "relationships aren't about *** for me" give her a heads up for me. Let her know she doesn't mean **** to you except some nice ***** and someone to complain to. Make sure she knows that the ring you show her wasn't bought for her. Don't give her Jacks ring because that'll make her feel special. It'll make her read into it. When we both know that she isn't special. Jack gave you that ring. Stop trying to give it away. Don't tell her that she's beautiful or sing her songs. Because that'll make her think that you actually give a **** what happens to her. When you know you really could care less. Don't tell her that she calms you down or helps with your ptsd because that'll make her feel important. It'll make her feel like she means something to you. When really it's just another **** buddy that you tell "I love you" to. And for Christ's sake. Don't tell her those three words if you're not sure with all of your being that you mean it. Don't tell her that you're scared to lose her when you're gonna walk away. Don't tell her that you had ******* nightmares about her leaving, when you were planning on leaving her. Don't **** her up any more than she already is man. Say what you mean and mean what you ******* say. Don't make plans with her that are far out in the future because that'll just **** up those days for her. Next time you see a ***** that you wanna ****, make sure she knows that's all it is. Don't tell her that you don't hurt people and that you're the one who is always getting hurt, because that's complete *******. Complete and utter *******. Don't lie to her about what you believe and then decide to tell her the truth once she is invested her whole heart in you. Unless of course, you don't care how many girls you **** up in the head. Because in that case, do all of those things I just said not to do.

I'm sorry I'm not alright.
I'm sorry I can't fix me.
I'm sorry you don't care.
Please stop pretending everything is fine, when it's not.
Its not your fault you're never around.
It's my fault for thinking you would be.
I'm sorry I'm not your perfect girl.
I'm sorry I can't do anything right.
I'm sorry I love you.
I'm never gonna have all the answers.
I'm never going to forget about these years.
I'm always going to be broken.
I'm sorry you don't know what you're missing.
I'm sorry I care.
I'm not perfect.
Good luck finding someone who is.

I guess I'm too ******* up for you.
I'm not 'normal' enough.
I'd be the first to admit I have a shitload of problems.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone.
I'm not good enough for crap.
I'm way to nice to people who don't deserve it.
I'm tired of being walked on.
I'm tired of apologizing.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm here.
I'd hate to bother you.
I'm always here for you, but where are you when I need you?
I should stop expecting you to show up.
You don't care.
But did you ever?
I'm' tired of pretending everything is fine.
Cause it's not.

I guess I'm too ******* up for you.
I'm not 'normal' enough.
I'd be the first to admit I have a shitload of problems.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone.
I'm not good enough for crap.
I'm way to nice to people who don't deserve it.
I'm tired of being walked on.
I'm tired of apologizing.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm here.
I'd hate to bother you.
I'm always here for you, but where are you when I need you?
I should stop expecting you to show up.
You don't care.
But did you ever?
I'm' tired of pretending everything is fine.
Cause it's not.

My soul has been sad for far too long.
I want to be joyful again.
I want the still, small, quiet moments to not be filled with anyones memory.

My soul aches and my body is tired.

I wish I never learned the truth about you, at least then I could go to sleep with the perfect image I had of you in my head.
But you distorted it.
My eyes were opened.
I was forced to see the truth.
It wasn't because of what you thought was best for me.
It wasn't romantic, selfless, valiant, or brave.
It was selfish, narcissistic, egotistical, lustful and painful.
Nothing will change that.

But I'm a lover.
I don't love many,
but the ones I do,
I always will.

I love deeply, courageously, boldly, widely, and freely.

I just need to let go of your memory,
so that my soul can be happy again.

I'm not sure what to think anymore
I'm not sure if this blink will stop these tears.
I can't help but think of you and me,
and what we used to be.
The memories are playing over in my head.
As I sit here crying in my bed.
So many times you made me laugh.
So many times you made me smile.
Sometimes I lay awake in bed.
Cause I can't get you out of my head.
Honestly, I don't know what I'm feeling.
Maybe it's me, maybe I complicate it.
Maybe it's you, maybe you just don't get it.
Maybe I'm not ready for this.
Cause this truly isn't bliss.
You meant everything to me.
But maybe it wasn't meant to be.
My heart is broken in two.
All because I'm missing you.
Love is so complicated.
Maybe just overrated.
At some point I'll sort things out.
At some point I'll figure you out.
But some point is not this point.
At this point I gotta let you know.
I'm letting you go.

Stop.
Stop making me believe I mean anything to you.
Stop worrying about me.
Stop caring what I've been up to.

Stop it all.

I trusted you and all of your empty promises.

I believed every word you spoke to me.

So just stop.
Stop with all of it.

I don't want to hear that you miss me.
I don't care if you're still in love with me.

You walked away. You left.

Just like I knew you would. You left.

Just like you promise me you wouldn't. So many times you reassured me that I had nothing to fear.

Ha. You used to get so angry at me because I was scared to fall for you.

Look how that turned out.

Who left who out of fear?

You did. You left.

I'm not insecure. I'm jealous and unrightfully so. You're not mine.  I'm jealous of anyone who catches your eye, I'm jealous of anyone who snags your attention. I'm jealous of the ones who take your time. I'm insanely jealous of anyone who makes you smile, feel, live more than I do. I have 41 days, 16 hours and approximately 32 minutes left here. I completely understand that you would not want to commit to that, to me when I will be 800 miles away. But I'm still here for now. I'm here now. Make these moments count. These should be what matter. Don't be scared, because you know I'm going to leave please. I just want to love you deeper than anyone else has, or will. Why can't you let me?

Would someone explain to me why all the people I have ever gotten close to in my life, have managed to **** me up so badly?

Is it because they don't know what they want, so they simply send mixed signals instead?

Not often do I let people get close to me. But when I do, it always ends badly.
People leave, love, change, break.
They're indecisive, ignorant, irresponsible, irrational.
I don't think people grasp what true potential they have to eternally ***** someone else.

I dont have the strength for any more temporary *******.

Be honest, be blunt, be reckless.
But don't leave me.

He reminded me of you. I remember his taste, it was just like yours: a perfect mix of hopelessness and pain. His careless demeanor matched yours to a t. His excuses and yours aligned perfectly. The sound of him sleeping mimicked you. I think the only difference between the two was, it wasn't just *** for him. I wasn't just a prize to be won. I wasn't a toy sitting there waiting to be claimed. He saw me as a person, or at least he made it seem like he did. If it was all an act, at least he was a better actor. I deserved better than either of you were willing to give me. He didn't rush me like you did. He at least took the time to spread out the lies, to make them believable. He reminded me of you, and that's just one more example of how I can never escape you.

You don't get it, do you? I would drop anything, anyone, anytime and anyplace for you. You're my person and it's cliche but I literally feel like part of me is missing because you're not here. You said I was your backbone and you don't know how badly it kills me that I can't be there for you. I can't be the one you come home to after a long day. I told you at the beginning, I'm ride or die. I see us going places. I see us being the best versions of ourselves with each other. I understand mistakes happen, I understand people get hurt, I understand our situation is ****** up. But I loved you. I love you. A piece of me is always going to love you. None of this was a game to me. None of it was a waste of my time. You mean the absolute world to me; and I think that's why this is so ******* hard. I want you. I want things with you. I want you in my life ten years from now. I want you waking up next to me every morning. I just remember California. How for a few days, you were mine and only mine. All of your attention and affection was on me. How perfect everything was. How it was you and me, against the world. I want that. I want that everyday. I want it to be like that everyday for us. I want us to grow together, to make new discoveries and go on new adventures. I want to enjoy my life with you next to me. I want to be your person as much as you are mine. I want to be your go to gal. I want to be everything you've always wanted. I want to be enough for you. I want to be with you in your darkest moments at two in the morning when you don't know what to do, you don't see the purpose in anything and I want to be with you on the brightest of days when you're high off of nothing but life. I want that so badly.  But I'm not going to compete for your attention, affection, loyalty, honesty. I refuse to compete with anyone else for your love. I'm not going to beg you to change your mindset or to finally take action for your own interest, in the interest of us. I want you to want me as much and as purely as I want you. That's why I can't fight for you. I can't beg you. I can't compete for you. Because those are things I would never want to see you do for me. I know what you're capable of giving me. I know how you're capable of treating me which is why it hurts so badly to see you not up to par. You said I was the only one who's been there for you lately, and as badly as I'm hurting right now, that isn't ever going to change. I always told you that I'm yours for as long as you'll have me. And I've been sitting here staring at my phone trying to figure out how to even say goodbye to you. Because it isn't something I want to do or ever saw myself doing. You keep telling me I should do what I want, make decisions based on what I want, but what if what I want doesn't want me? What then? I don't want to say goodbyes because goodbyes are forever I couldn't go that long without you. I don't think I ever thought it would be like this. Loving someone who doesn't know how to love me. At least not in the same way. You may not realize it now, but I promise you you'll think back and remember me. Remember us. And I'll be the one that got away, I promise you that. I wish I could say that I am willing to wait for you to want me as much as I do you. I wish I could say I'd be here when you got your **** settled and remember what it was like to have me. But I can't.. it isn't something my heart would be able to handle. My heart aches without you. There's a literal pain in my chest that won't go away. I'm drained, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I've played it over and over in my head trying to figure what I did wrong. Where I went wrong. Where i could have set myself up for this. Trying to figure out why. But I can't. None of it makes any sense. I don't see how I went from loving you to losing you in a matter of hours. Everyone is telling me I'm crazy for still wanting you. For not wanting to walk away. They all try to convince me none of it was real for you, that it was all a game for you, that you never cared, you never loved me. And honestly, I hear them. I understand why they say that. I understand why they say "if he cared about you even slightly he wouldn't have done this to you". I get it. I do. But they can't convince me. I know you. I know who you really are. I know this wasn't who you truly are. I know you are so much better than that. Maybe one of these days you'll try to convince me it was all fake so I'll walk away. So I'll find "someone better" but I don't want better. I want you. I want you at your best, and I want you at your worst. I want you.


I wish that one day after you have everything settled, with your job with your daughter with her, and you find your heart aching for something you loved and lost... I wish that we could start over on a clean slate. I wish that then you would love me like you always said you did. I wish that that time I wouldn't be taken for granted. I wish that then, it would turn into something real. And I'll hold onto that hope, as foolish as it is. All I can do is hope.


I love you. I love you more than words can express. If nothing else comes from you and I at least I can rest at night knowing that you now know what it's like to be loved. And I mean really loved uncontrollably, unconditionally, passionately. Don't ever forget what that's like. And don't you ever say you don't deserve the kind of love I gave you. Don't you ever say it's too good for you. You deserve the world, and nothing less. Keep your standards high my love.

I'm foolish.
I'm young.
I'm stupid.
I'm guilible.
I'm disappointed.
At 18 and decided to believe he loved me just because he liked saying it. I decided because he wanted to spend his life with me I should give him a shot. I decided to compromise myself for a man that was full of empty promises. I'm so disappointed in myself, because this isn't even the first time. I'm tired of hearing the right things.

I simply want to know that your intentions are pure and that you're telling me the truth.

One day it all just fell apart.
You were the closest thing to my heart.
We went from laughing, and talking,
to ignoring, and fighting.
I don’t know how it went down.
We slowly drifted apart.
You were the best thing that happened to me.
Now all I have is me.
I lost my best friend that day,
In the most horrible way.
Growing up shouldn’t exist,
if it means splitting, the Twins.
I miss the walks.
I miss the talks.
I miss the goofing around.
You were the one person that accepted me for me.
And not for someone else.
I miss cuddling up and watching a movie.
I miss singing in the hairbrush and being all groovy.
I miss going into your room and telling you, I couldn’t sleep.
Cause I’d know you’d stay up, even if it was just for me.
I don’t know who I’d be,
if I didn’t have you.
I don’t know what I’d do,
if I was forced to live with you.
But I’ll try to move on.
I’ll try to be strong.
I’ll try to be the best me
that I could ever be.
But I miss running up and giving you hugs.
Discussing how gross are bugs.
I miss seeing your face at the dinner table.
I miss saying “I’m sorry” for whatever did.
I guess all in all.
I just miss YOU.

sunny with a high of losing my mind

Baby, listen please.
I'm not in love, I'm just on drugs.

Rain.
Never ending rain.
It's cold, dark, and lonely - but I find comfort here in the rain.
You weren't my sunshine.
My bright, sunny day.
You were the rain, but I found comfort in the pain.

It happened in waves.

The first wave simply brought confusion. A state of denial, a hope that none of it were true. For the first time my heart stopped and I thought the world would stop spinning around me, but it didn't.

Second, came hatred. Self hatred, hatred for others, hatred for love happiness and affection. It's consuming - the self loathing. Questions like "why wasn't I good enough", "will I ever be good enough" , "I am too damaged to be loved", "was anything he said true or was it all just an act". For thinkers such as I, this wave is the most dangerous. Often I was left to ponder my actions, reactions, memories. Which brings the next wave.

The third wave: memories. Memories of both the good and the bad. Memories of the smiles and the tears. It hurts, it's confusing. I was fire and he was gasoline, we were made to compliment each other. Yet somehow, we caused destruction instead. How did we go so far to simply crash and burn? Was it my fault? Was he genuine at all? Memories grab you and keep you in the past. They take away all opportunities at a future. Do not stay in this all consuming wave.

Next was the bitterness. Bitterness against him, myself, my family, love. Everything. Much like hatred I held onto the wrongs done to me. I kept them close, in the front of my mind. As if remaining bitter would change the past.

Fifth was when the burden began to lift. Suddenly he wasn't the only thing occupying my mind. Our love, mistakes, and lies - it all began to fade. I couldn't remember his smile, the warmth of his touch, the sound of his laugh, the security of his embrace or the comfort of his voice. They were gone. I was full of a complex feeling of both freedom and suffocation. I didn't know how to react to this loss, but suddenly it became real. I didn't go to sleep dreaming of him, nor wake up longing for him. I simply... existed.

In this sixth and final stage I am content. I can breathe, dream, love, laugh. He is no longer the center of my universe, but simply another planet in my galaxy. I feel a sense of freedom. I am no longer bound by his lies, burdens, restrictions, deceit, or display of love.

It happened in waves, but I've weathered the storm. It's time to rebuild.

Every single time. Every time I tell myself not to get my hopes up, not to get attached. And every time, I fail anyway. I'm a lover, a fighter, a thinker, a survivor. I don't know what it is. I don't know why being distant is so difficult. I trust no one. I refuse to love. I won't be anything but loyal. I push people away. And I do it on purpose. At least then, I'll know who to blame.
Every time I tell myself: "no, you have too much to lose" "no, he doesn't mean it" "no, you aren't still in love" "no, you aren't going to fall". I'll always prove myself wrong, which in turn, proves my doubts right.

I don't want to be a back up plan, a second choice, an option. I want to be the one and only one on your mind. I want to be a priority. I want to feel loved, know I'm loved. I want loyalty, honesty, integrity.

Yet, every time. I settle.

I may have been drinking tonight, but it has just brought a sort of clarity. I don't let people walk in and out of my life easily. You can't have it both ways. I don't take **** from anyone, and I don't ever plan on it. You chose to walk out of my life the day you chose her. One day you'll realize how big of a mistake you made. You'll look back on the years spent with me and realize how much you lost. You'll see that everything I did, in some way I did it for you. You'll come to the realization that I loved you with every ounce of my being. No one will ever love you more than I did. You'll wonder where you went wrong, when you lost a girl like me. You'll try to come crawling back, but I don't want you anymore. Me, the girl who would have gone anywhere, done anything to be with you, is simply over it. No, I don't want you back. I don't want you to change. You missed your chance with that.

So when you realize how vast my love for you was, don't tell me. Don't remind me.

Just sulk in the what ifs and maybes, just like you made me do.

You taught me how to love, but never how to be loved.
You showed me the beauty of trust; the bond of friendship.
You were never mine, but I yours.
You weren't my first kiss, and you won't be my last.
But, you were my first love.
My first real, true, deep love.

I don't even know if you realize how much I love you.
Or if you ever will.

We haven't spoken in months, almost a year.

You voice has faded,
Your laugh is gone,
Your smile is lost,
Your embrace has vanished.

Yet, my love for you remains untouched.

It always seems to come back to you.

You ******* me up real good, without even realizing it.

I wonder when I realized I loved you.

Was it when I couldn't breathe while in a room with you, but I couldn't imagine being anywhere else?

Was it when we were young, simply enjoying each others company?

Or was it when I realized the interactions I had with you - no matter how short or how long - were what got me through the day?

You.

It was always you.

I admitted today that if I was to wait for anyone to fall for me, it would be you - and only you.

I've tried hating you.
I've tried letting go.
I've tried forgetting you.
I've tried moving on.
Believe me, I've tried.

But for some reason, I always come back to you.

If you could see me now you'd tell me I'm crazy.
But maybe you're right.
You make me crazy.

I miss you more than you know.
More than you should be allowed to miss someone.

You were always my favorite "hello" and hardest "goodbye".

I used to be angry at you - resentful even that you left.

You started the patterns of goodbyes.

But I'm not mad anymore.
I just hope you're happy now... wherever life has taken you.

Because, you taught me how to love..

If you haven't figured it out by now,
Relationships are two sided.
Both sides have to put in effort.
Both sides have to want it.
I'm done with this one way deal.
I have feelings, needs, wants, just like you.
And I know you saw this coming.
Don't act surprised.
I'm tired of being a second choice, an option.
I deserve so much more.
To be someone's number one, their only one.
You do too... despite everything.
So I just hope you have a nice life.
But I'm so done trying to be in it.
Goodbye.

I'm tired of trying to win at this impossible game.
All it does is leave you broken and scared.
Why does it have to be like this?
You seem to want this as much as I do.
So why don't you try too?
Why does everything have to be based on fear?
Fear of rejection, fear of cheating, fear of losing what we already have, fear of losing you.
Who cares about the what ifs.
What if we actually get closer..?
What if it is exactly what we thought..?
What if we fall in love?

January: It had been three months since I saw you, spoke to you; but the pain was still there, still potent. I began numbing it with ***** and boys and anything I could to distract me from what had taken place. I didn't care about school or getting a job. I just simply wanted to forget.

February: You weren't the first thing on my mind anymore when I woke; though you always crossed it. Something always reminded me of you. A smell, a sound, a feeling. Your voice had faded and name no longer made me sick. But you were still there.

March: I slept with someone else. I finally found it in me to give myself to someone else. I just wanted there to be someone. I didn't want you to have that hold on me anymore. I went against everything I thought and believed and I slept with someone else. I wasn't in love. I wasn't even in like. It was a total stranger. Just someone who could make me feel something again.

April: I thought I was going to break when what was supposed to be our six month anniversary came about. But I didn't. I didn't even think about you. You had messaged me out of the blue, apologizing. Apologizing for everything you put me through, telling me how I didn't deserve it. It made me laugh. I knew you'd come crawling back, but I knew it wasn't genuine. You still only wanted one thing from me. I threw myself into my work.

May: I was so looking forward to graduating. To moving forward. To ridding myself of you. I met someone, someone I thought nothing of at the time. He was just another temporary boy. Little did I know I'd see him again.

June: I graduated. I was free. I felt free. So many people thought I wouldn't do it. You broke me. You broke me so badly. I was still trying to fix myself with ***** and gin. I worked, I drank, I repeated. I went out and tried new things, new people. You tried apologizing again, I laughed.

July: I met him again. He showed up and hung around. I was weary of him. I didn't trust him, because of you. I didn't want it to just repeat. I was so worried he was going to hurt me like you did. I told myself I wasn't going to date him. I wasn't going to fall for him. But the butterflies that filled me every time I saw him, thought different.

August: August was full of adventures, smiles, laughs, tears, love. I saw him everyday. I spent all of my time with him. He had my attention better than anyone else had. I was falling. Oh god was I falling.

September: The adventures continued. We went to the beach, the mountains, the lakes. Everything with him was passionate. Vivid. It's like he breathed life into my lungs. He made me feel alive. I was on top of the world with him. Loving him took courage and strength. He got it all.

October: I told him I was leaving. I was leaving what I called home. Oh I think I broke him. You should have heard the shift in his tone, how his eyes grew dimmer, the sliver of hope he had left faded away. I was leaving, but he never asked me to stay.

November: November saw a month of tears. I was gone. My love, my best friend, my soulmate was so incredibly far. Physically and emotionally. I have never felt so alone. I missed him. I wanted him. Sometimes I even think I needed him. He was everything to me. Oh how badly I wanted to come home to him. I promised him I would. He couldn't wait though, he couldn't wait for me to come back to him... so he distracted himself with her. That made me question everything.

December: Meeting him at the airport after six and a half weeks was riveting. I was a wreck. What if he didn't love me anymore? What if I couldn't look at him? What if his plans for me, us, had changed? What then? Oh, but being in his arms... I've never felt so calm. So at peace. He wiped my tears. Reassured me of my fears. I began to imagine life with him, in even greater detail than before. He paralyzes me in a way you never did. He sees the broken you left behind and holds the pieces together. He looks at the hurt you left in my eye and finds beauty in it. I swear he could see into my soul.

January: I left him again. I had to go back home. I left him. I don't feel right without him. He's my person. My best friend. My go to. Not having him here is like living without oxygen. It's impossible.

I’m so confused about us
I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.
You’re never around when I need you.
What do you expect me to do?!
You say “I love you”
then you left me alone.
I’m learning how to survive on my own.
The rain keeps pouring down.
But I can’t hear a sound.
I don’t know what to think about you.
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.
You’re so confusing lately.
I think we’re falling apart.
And you can’t even see the scares.

I woke up Saturday morning and with one glance of my phone, I was bawling. No one died, no one was hurt. I simply go the message that I had been waiting for for four months. He apologized. For everything, he apologized. Finally he honestly acknowledged that I was worth more than what he gave me. I deserved better. It was surreal. Numbing. It woke me up. I had been living in a daze for months, wondering what was sincere and what was a show. I was right all along. But, there was something about hearing it from him. Hearing him say: "If I could take back how I treated you, I would". He broke me for the last time.

You know what I am constantly afraid of every time you don't answer your phone or text me back. I'm afraid that just like that, in a blink of an eye everything changed for you. I'm afraid you decided to go back to her, to make it easier. I'm afraid you found someone new and exciting that you vibe with and decided they were better. I'm afraid that just like every time before you, I still wasn't good enough. Do you know what it's like to live in a constant fear like that? To be afraid every time the phone rings or every time you get a message that everything you found comfort in, everything you wanted was just gone? Every single time I get a picture from her, a message from her, it makes me second guess you. It's probably what she wants, but it's working. I should have never gotten this far into it with you. I should have stayed away. I should have listened to the warnings of my family, my friends, and my gut. I should have payed attention to the red flags that continuously showed up. I should have never let myself fall like this for you. Because it's the kind of fear that will give you sleepless nights, the kind that makes you lose your appetite, your drive, your ambition. It's a crippling fear.

I remember there was a time when I knew I would be okay if you did make that sudden decision. It would be a decision you weren't first to make. I remember when the sound of your lies didn't soothe my anxiety. I remember when I could see right through it all. But now, I feel all of this fear at once, because if you were to change your mind within the hours of silence I don't know what I would do. I don't know if I could handle something like that again and the thought of that scares me so badly.

It completely baffles me how incredibly idiotic we as humans are. We are so brilliant, yet we let all of our intelligence go when we get distracted by love. The red flags don't look so suspicious, the lies sound like honey to our ears, excuses become believable, our vision become narrow and blurred. We never suspect that every word they breath to us is false. We never would guess that we're just some pawn, in the players game. Every bone in our body makes us want to believe that we are as important as they say, as valuable as they say, as lovable as they say. But it's just words. Humans are blinded by love. And nothing rocks our world like realizing that none of it meant anything. The "I love you's", the "I wouldn't know what to do without you", the "I can't live without you", the "I'll never leave", "I would never hurt you", "you mean everything to me", and so many more meaningless lines, are just that - meaningless. Nothing wakes us up better than the tear jerking, sobbing your eyes out, sick to your stomach, dead inside, sleepless nights. Sometimes, those nights open our eyes.. And sometimes, they sew them shut with hate, bitterness, and self loathing. No, we as humans aren't the brightest bunch. We're ignorant, and never seem to learn. We choose to love again. We choose to trust again, to be vulnerable. We choose to take our armor off and hand the enemy a dagger, hopping, praying, pleading, that they don't use us for target practice. It's a mystery why we do it. Maybe we like the pain, perhaps it makes us feel alive. Maybe I'll never know.

One day
I'm going to meet someone,
And they are going to make me forget about every heartbreak,
Every game,
Every lie that's been said.

That somebody is going to make me forget about the boy I once loved.
The ones who come crawling back to me.
The ones I saw a future with.

I can't wait until that day comes,
Because I'm honestly so tired and I can't breathe.

My eyes are bloodshot.
My heart is cold.
Everything I feared is happening.

But one day, it'll be okay.
I'll have forgotten about you and the memories we shared.
I'll be loved, in a way no one has been able to before.
And I'll be okay.

One day.

It's late, or early rather. I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I can’t stop playing back memory after memory, wishing I could have, would have done something different. I miss him, like crazy. Not a day has gone by since he left that I haven’t thought about him. It’s been almost three months. Three months without seeing his face, hearing his voice, feeling his embrace… I know he had to go, I just wish… I wish I would have told him. It’s too late now. I lost my chance. I had so many opportunities. He gave me so many signs. I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep saying “it’ll get better”, and to some extent it has. But the pain is still there. There is still a dull void eating me alive.

                                     I miss him.

                                                     I love him.
                                                                 That’s all I really know.

Same problem, different guy. I don't know why I'm so insecure, because I'm not. I love me, I'll own up to my faults but I'm pretty great. I just don't know  what anyone sees in me. Even if he likes me now that could all change in a matter of seconds. It has before, don't see a difference now. But say it didn't change. Say we got together and it lasted. I'm still going away to college, and then start my career soon after. Point is everything has an end. I don't want to waste my time.

I loved you. Deeply, whole-heartedly, sickeningly, with every ounce of my being, with every breath I had, I loved you. I used to say that I was "in love with you". But I've come to realize that there's a difference between being in love, and loving someone with all that you have. To be in love suggests that someone is also in love with you. Unfortunately for me, that wasn't the case. I don't know what you honestly felt for me, if you felt anything. But I know what I felt. I felt alive when you looked at me. I felt a rush every time you embraced me. Whenever you would flash me your smile, I felt content. Your stare filled me with peace. When your eyes met mine, I felt secure. I just wanted to know what was going through your mind. What were your dreams, fears, dislikes? What did you love? I wanted so badly to be your backbone. With all I had, I wanted to be the one you relied on. I wanted to be the one you longed to see at the end of a rough day. Most of all, I wanted you to know how much you meant to me. I loved you, with everything I had. I loved you, with every second I breathed. I wanted to be a better person, for you. I wanted to be honest, kind, loving, gentle, respectful, respectable. I wanted to be the kind of women you could love. So maybe I wasn't "in love" with you, but I know that there isn't a single thing that I have - past or present - that I wouldn't have given up for you.

It's over now.
But something inside me is telling me that it has just begun.

do we write to remember,
or are we writing to forget?