I hope my daughter never has to hear the same lies you told me.
But if she does, I hope she's smarter than to believe it.

It happened in waves.

The first wave simply brought confusion. A state of denial, a hope that none of it were true. For the first time my heart stopped and I thought the world would stop spinning around me, but it didn't.

Second, came hatred. Self hatred, hatred for others, hatred for love happiness and affection. It's consuming - the self loathing. Questions like "why wasn't I good enough", "will I ever be good enough" , "I am too damaged to be loved", "was anything he said true or was it all just an act". For thinkers such as I, this wave is the most dangerous. Often I was left to ponder my actions, reactions, memories. Which brings the next wave.

The third wave: memories. Memories of both the good and the bad. Memories of the smiles and the tears. It hurts, it's confusing. I was fire and he was gasoline, we were made to compliment each other. Yet somehow, we caused destruction instead. How did we go so far to simply crash and burn? Was it my fault? Was he genuine at all? Memories grab you and keep you in the past. They take away all opportunities at a future. Do not stay in this all consuming wave.

Next was the bitterness. Bitterness against him, myself, my family, love. Everything. Much like hatred I held onto the wrongs done to me. I kept them close, in the front of my mind. As if remaining bitter would change the past.

Fifth was when the burden began to lift. Suddenly he wasn't the only thing occupying my mind. Our love, mistakes, and lies - it all began to fade. I couldn't remember his smile, the warmth of his touch, the sound of his laugh, the security of his embrace or the comfort of his voice. They were gone. I was full of a complex feeling of both freedom and suffocation. I didn't know how to react to this loss, but suddenly it became real. I didn't go to sleep dreaming of him, nor wake up longing for him. I simply... existed.

In this sixth and final stage I am content. I can breathe, dream, love, laugh. He is no longer the center of my universe, but simply another planet in my galaxy. I feel a sense of freedom. I am no longer bound by his lies, burdens, restrictions, deceit, or display of love.

It happened in waves, but I've weathered the storm. It's time to rebuild.

I'm addicted. You've got me hooked. I'm addicted to your smile: the way you look into my eyes and see right through me, through all the lies and disguises. I'm addicted to your touch: how your body presses against me when we hug, or how your hands seem to wonder when we're alone, and the bittersweet taste of our goodbye kiss. I'm addicted to the high you set me off on. You make me feel like I'm on top of the world! Like you and I are the only people in the universe that matter. I smile on the darkest of days, why? Because of you. I have hope that I'll make it through these times, why? Because I have you. With anyone else our silence would be considered awkward and would be filled with meaningless small talk; but with you... It's simply perfect, because we understand each other. The silence, the noise, it's all the same. You know me better than anyone. You know what I'll say before it's said, you know my hopes, dreams, and fears. You make me high, and I can't get enough. You're more addictive than heroine, *******, or ****; and I don't want to stop.

I can not risk getting close to you, or to anyone again. Because I can honestly say that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if one more person I cared about simply walked out of my life. I can't risk losing someone that important. I won't. So why don't we stop this before it's too late for either of us.

is to forget you and every moment we shared together. I just want to forget it all.

I have this... This problem. It's something that no one can fix, it won't go away on its own, and I simply don't know what to do about it.

You see, I live behind a wall. Occasionally, I'll peek over and see people on the other side, but never could I ever take down that wall. Often people begin to take turns trying to tear down my wall: my protection. Sometimes, it even begins to work. I let them. My boarder, my protection, my guard comes down for them. And I have to admit, it's amazing... For a while that is.

At the beginning, it's scary and new and adventurous. It seems so exciting because the person appears to care so much that they want to see me. Not see me behind the wall, but simply see me. My quirks and faults all in all. It's enticing. It's encouraging. It's exciting. The mixed surge of emotions that is felt as the wall comes down and I make myself comfortable with them is remarkable. It simply makes me feel.. Wanted. They become my protection, my guard, my life.

But as it's happened so many times before: my new found way of protection.. Leaves. People have shown me that they never truly stick around. No one is in it for the long hall. The people who helped tear down that wall in first place are the very same people who leave scars in a matter of seconds. I don't even know if they realize what they do. Simply put, they disappear.

No questions
No comments
No goodbyes

It's not fair. It's never fair. The sole person whom you put your trust in will stab you in the back. They'll leave without a reason. They'll ignore you as is they never knew you. What has always bothered me, is that they never tell you why they have chosen to leave.

Now, I want the real deal. I desire the companionship, the comfort, the fun, joy, laughter, arguments and intimacy. I long for all of it. It's all I want. But that person whom you placed your trust in,  in order to take down the walls, is the same one who keeps you from this.  

The person who helped you bring the walls down the first time, second, third. They all stop you from believing whole heartedly that people stay. They have me believing that no one is permanent. Everything and everyone in my life is temporary.  And it scares the crap out of me because I don't know what I'd do if I had to deal with one more person walking out on me. But I know that it's inevitable. It will happen.

I just wish I could find someone who would stay.

I'm numb. I can't feel anything, nothing at all. It's as if I'm trapped in a deep, dark abyss with no way out. And no one can know. I'm living in a state of utter carelessness. I don't care what's happened, what's happening, nor what is about to happen. I find it difficult to care about anyone or anything. Hell, I can't even care about myself. There are times when I just want it all to be over. I want this battle to end. There are times when I just want to be happy, truly happy, for once. I wanna know what it's like to feel again. But no one sees it. No one sees me breaking. No one can see that I'm dying from the inside out. No one sees the subtle hints I drop everywhere in desperation of being found out. No, no one can see through the constant, everyday "I'm fine", no one can see through the indefinite fake smiles flashed toward them. No, they can't.

Because I'm alright, only dying.

Stop.
Stop making me believe I mean anything to you.
Stop worrying about me.
Stop caring what I've been up to.

Stop it all.

I trusted you and all of your empty promises.

I believed every word you spoke to me.

So just stop.
Stop with all of it.

I don't want to hear that you miss me.
I don't care if you're still in love with me.

You walked away. You left.

Just like I knew you would. You left.

Just like you promise me you wouldn't. So many times you reassured me that I had nothing to fear.

Ha. You used to get so angry at me because I was scared to fall for you.

Look how that turned out.

Who left who out of fear?

You did. You left.

Boys are stupid for lying...


But girls?


Girls, we are incredibly stupid for continuously believing them.

Love.
What a concept.
To love, and to be loved.
They say Im strong for loving you,
Brave for pushing through,
For staying when things get out of control.
They say I'm selfless for the never ending chances I give out.
But how does loving someone who doesn't see my worth make me strong?
How does unconditional forgiveness make me brave?
How does reliving the same pain over and over again make me special?

I see nothing but a coward.
A woman afraid to be treated right.
Afraid to be alone.
Afraid to give up hope.

I see a fool.
Foolish enough to believe mere words.

Love is an action word.

If you loved me the way I loved you... the way you say you do... it would change you.

The world would know.

If you loved me the way you say you do, we wouldn't be here.

I wouldn't feel alone.

I wouldn't be on the brink of simply ending it all.



Love...

What a beautiful tragedy.

I'm trying so hard not to fall apart.
Trying to find the pieces of this broken heart scattered across the floor.
As tears run down my face.
I search for a state of grace.
Foolishly I let you in,
Gave you all I have to give.
You left with a piece of my heart.
I'm just trying to go back to the start.

I feel like I don’t know you anymore
You're not my sure thing anymore.
I can't go to you for anything.
Cause this ain't no pipe dream.
We've been friends for the longest time.
But I've never been able to call you mine.
I feel so awkward whenever she's there.
Maybe Its cause I know I can't compare.
I wonder what woulda happened if she stayed gone.
I know a lot of things wouldn't be wrong.
We used to be a lot closer.
I realize now we used to be a lot of things.
You will always have a special place in my heart
Even if we continue to drift farther and farther apart.

It's always the same thing day in and day out. The same discussion, the same problems, the same longings. There's nothing I can do to get out of this rut I seem to be stuck in. I can't seem to break this mold. I have nothing to say that I haven't already said; no new emotions, feelings, or thoughts. I'm just so...empty. I should be happy. I have so many reasons to be. But the negativity of those around me has begin to engulf me. I'm downing in a sea of ungratefulness, forgetfulness, hatred, anger, and loneliness. I push everyone away because for some reason I'm still stuck on you. I can't be happy because my family is falling apart, my life is falling apart, my whole world is crumbling before me. I can't even cry about it. I am beyond ready to get out of this goodbye town and start fresh and new. I want to go somewhere and rebuild my outlook on life, love, and happiness. I know that they exist, just...not here. There's nothing this place could offer me. It destroys, distrusts, and degrades. That's not where I want to be.

You taught me how to love, but never how to be loved.
You showed me the beauty of trust; the bond of friendship.
You were never mine, but I yours.
You weren't my first kiss, and you won't be my last.
But, you were my first love.
My first real, true, deep love.

I don't even know if you realize how much I love you.
Or if you ever will.

We haven't spoken in months, almost a year.

You voice has faded,
Your laugh is gone,
Your smile is lost,
Your embrace has vanished.

Yet, my love for you remains untouched.

It always seems to come back to you.

You ******* me up real good, without even realizing it.

I wonder when I realized I loved you.

Was it when I couldn't breathe while in a room with you, but I couldn't imagine being anywhere else?

Was it when we were young, simply enjoying each others company?

Or was it when I realized the interactions I had with you - no matter how short or how long - were what got me through the day?

You.

It was always you.

I admitted today that if I was to wait for anyone to fall for me, it would be you - and only you.

I've tried hating you.
I've tried letting go.
I've tried forgetting you.
I've tried moving on.
Believe me, I've tried.

But for some reason, I always come back to you.

If you could see me now you'd tell me I'm crazy.
But maybe you're right.
You make me crazy.

I miss you more than you know.
More than you should be allowed to miss someone.

You were always my favorite "hello" and hardest "goodbye".

I used to be angry at you - resentful even that you left.

You started the patterns of goodbyes.

But I'm not mad anymore.
I just hope you're happy now... wherever life has taken you.

Because, you taught me how to love..

Some things never change.
Like the way you can make me smile just by looking at me.
The way you know just how to make my day.
How I'll always come back to you.
No matter what happened.
It's true, somethings never change.

I'm not sure what to think anymore
I'm not sure if this blink will stop these tears.
I can't help but think of you and me,
and what we used to be.
The memories are playing over in my head.
As I sit here crying in my bed.
So many times you made me laugh.
So many times you made me smile.
Sometimes I lay awake in bed.
Cause I can't get you out of my head.
Honestly, I don't know what I'm feeling.
Maybe it's me, maybe I complicate it.
Maybe it's you, maybe you just don't get it.
Maybe I'm not ready for this.
Cause this truly isn't bliss.
You meant everything to me.
But maybe it wasn't meant to be.
My heart is broken in two.
All because I'm missing you.
Love is so complicated.
Maybe just overrated.
At some point I'll sort things out.
At some point I'll figure you out.
But some point is not this point.
At this point I gotta let you know.
I'm letting you go.

I’m so confused about us
I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.
You’re never around when I need you.
What do you expect me to do?!
You say “I love you”
then you left me alone.
I’m learning how to survive on my own.
The rain keeps pouring down.
But I can’t hear a sound.
I don’t know what to think about you.
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.
You’re so confusing lately.
I think we’re falling apart.
And you can’t even see the scares.

It hurts. I've found that the exit wounds never fully heal. They stand as a reminder of all the people who have left, are leaving or are going to leave. The pain never dies. The memories live on. Memories of a child, ripped for her family never able to see them again. Forced into a place of  total isolation; knowing no one. memories of the one and only friend you ever had, dying before your eyes, to save your life. Never given the chance to say goodbye.. Of the only person you have ever loved, telling you they love someone else... not knowing why or how or when, but they go. Yeah, it hurts.

Why is it that we seem to make our beds in sadness?
We hate the feeling, yet find some sort of comfort in the pain.
It's strange how easy it is to become used to the discomfort.
It's odd that we would simply let it waltz into our lives and take over.

Pain, sadness, detachment.

At least they of all things are consistent.

I fell in love with they way you looked at me when you thought I wouldn't notice. The way you couldn't help but smile when I told a stupid story or a less than funny joke. The way your hand fit so effortlessly in mine. The passion I felt with every kiss. I fell in love with your eyes because a part of me knew they could see straight into my soul. I fell in love with the way you spoke about us, about a chance for a future. The way you had to convince every ounce in your body that the fear of loving me, of letting me love you, was completely irrational. I fell in love with the way everything was so easy with you. The way that even after months of falling asleep next you, waking up to you, and spending every second I could with you, I never got tired of it. I never wanted anything more than to spend every moment I could with you. Your company was never suffocating. No matter how long I spent with you, you still had the ability to make me nervous. To make me feel something. I fell in love with your love for your family. Your endurance to find hope in the midst of a struggle. Your confidence in me. I fell in love with the way you wanted what was best for me, even though you couldn't see that it was you. I fell madly, deeply, passionately, courageously, effortlessly, so vastly in love with the way you looked at me especially when you thought I wouldn't notice.

You asked me tonight if I remembered our first kiss. It occurred to me that I remember everything. Early that Wednesday morning standing outside of the liquor store with a man I barely knew, I remember looking at you and thinking "we've been out all night, it's been 6 hours, is he going to make a move or" and then bam. Hands wondered, people stared, breaths were shallow. I remember how nervous I was every time I saw you following that night. It was like a rush ran through my body. Was I still what you wanted? Was I pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, good enough? I remember the first night you stayed over without my parents approval, without my parents even knowing who you were, thinking to myself "I hope this boy is worth all that im risking". The endless nights I would catch you staring from the corner of my eye. The night I leaned over and kissed you as I almost vocalized "**** is this going to hurt". Or the first time you told me you loved me. The words cut through the silence as I left for work while crippling fear flooded my being. I tried everything in me to ignore it. Even the first night I said it back, meaning it with nothing less then everything I had in me, not to count the endless nights I had said it knowing you were fast asleep because I needed to gain the courage to tell you. Hearing you ramble about when we were going to live together or how you planned on growing old with me. You knew just what to say. I remember our first fight and how utterly heartbroken I was. I can remember the taste of your lips and sound of you breathing. Your laugh plays on an endless loop in my minds. Your smile flashes before me as I close my eyes. Your voice echoes in my eardrums. I remember everything. Your ridiculous snoring, horrible smoking habit, hopeless look in your eyes. It was a tragic love we shared. But what makes it an even greater tragedy, is that I knew we would never last.

You made your point.
I see the picture.
You obviously want nothing to do with me.
Why can't I just leave it be?
I thought it would be a lot easier to accept.
I guess there is just so much I regret.
I regret never telling you how I feel.
I regret always reading into things.
But mostly, I regret falling.
Falling for your words; I should've recognized the sweet sound of lies.
Your hugs, you'd hold me and never let go.
Your kiss, the sweet taste of your lips on mine.
Falling in love with someone who could never truly love me back.
If I can learn to let go of these things, maybe I can let go of you.
The worst part is, I knew it'd end like this from the start.
I thought this would make it easier,
But it's not.

Wanna know the worst part about falling in love with him?
I knew from the moment I met him, that I'd be falling alone.
I knew none of it was real, or authentic, or meaningful to him.
I was just another girl to him.
Just another listening ear, kind heart, forgiving spirit.
I was just another spark of joy, that needed to be snuffed out.
It *****, because I knew. I knew it.
I knew I'd fall, and I knew he wouldn't be there to catch me.
I knew and it still didn't stop me.
That's the worst part.
Everyday for weeks, I questioned his motives.
And everyday I got another lie, excuse, story.
I knew and I still let you push me over the edge.
I didn't care.
I wanted to believe you, believe in you, believe that people do change, are different, have a conscience.
But I was wrong to believe.
So I fell alone.

Every bone in my body is saying "leave now, while you're safe".
But I can't. I don't want to.
I'm tired of being afraid of getting hurt. Every fiber in my being is telling me "he's too good to be true".
He is. You are.
I can't comprehend my crippling fear. He could tell me day in and day out he loves me still perceive as lies.
I'd still be waiting for him to take it back.
What if he changes his mind?
What if I stop being enough?
I know that they will come.
I can't suppress his pain forever.
I wish I could, but I can't.
Life happens and people change.
That's what I fear.
I fear falling, diving head first for him, and no one being there to catch me.
I fear loving too hard-too deep- to ever really recover.
I fear having to pick up my broken pieces, like I have so many times before.
I fear the inevitable.
Once he realizes that, he'll fear it too.

Who gave you the right to be so perfect?
I'd love to be mad at you since you're an ***; but, whenever I'm with you..
I forget.
I forget how to feel pain.
I forget how to smile in vain.
I forget about the scars.
How I feel like I'm behind bars.
I forget about all the things you've done.
I only think about how you've won.
Won my heart.
It's crazy, I know.
But whenever you look into my eyes,
They no longer feel the need to cry.
If I could relive those moments over and over, I would.
Then I think about it... and
You're not mine to love.
You're not mine to have.
You're not mine to hold.
But please..
Be the one to help me forget.

It completely baffles me how incredibly idiotic we as humans are. We are so brilliant, yet we let all of our intelligence go when we get distracted by love. The red flags don't look so suspicious, the lies sound like honey to our ears, excuses become believable, our vision become narrow and blurred. We never suspect that every word they breath to us is false. We never would guess that we're just some pawn, in the players game. Every bone in our body makes us want to believe that we are as important as they say, as valuable as they say, as lovable as they say. But it's just words. Humans are blinded by love. And nothing rocks our world like realizing that none of it meant anything. The "I love you's", the "I wouldn't know what to do without you", the "I can't live without you", the "I'll never leave", "I would never hurt you", "you mean everything to me", and so many more meaningless lines, are just that - meaningless. Nothing wakes us up better than the tear jerking, sobbing your eyes out, sick to your stomach, dead inside, sleepless nights. Sometimes, those nights open our eyes.. And sometimes, they sew them shut with hate, bitterness, and self loathing. No, we as humans aren't the brightest bunch. We're ignorant, and never seem to learn. We choose to love again. We choose to trust again, to be vulnerable. We choose to take our armor off and hand the enemy a dagger, hopping, praying, pleading, that they don't use us for target practice. It's a mystery why we do it. Maybe we like the pain, perhaps it makes us feel alive. Maybe I'll never know.

I know I can't commit to you. As much as I wish I could, and as many nights I stay up thinking about you... I can't. Your life is here and I'll be gone soon. I'm leaving and I'll hopefully never come back. I can't spend the little bit of love I have left on you when I know it won't last. I'm not optimistic, but you've given me no reason to be. I'm going and you're staying in this hell hole. This place ***** the light out of my soul. It gives me no reason to stay, I just wish that you would..

If you haven't figured it out by now,
Relationships are two sided.
Both sides have to put in effort.
Both sides have to want it.
I'm done with this one way deal.
I have feelings, needs, wants, just like you.
And I know you saw this coming.
Don't act surprised.
I'm tired of being a second choice, an option.
I deserve so much more.
To be someone's number one, their only one.
You do too... despite everything.
So I just hope you have a nice life.
But I'm so done trying to be in it.
Goodbye.

It was all a lie, wasn't it?
From the first "I love you" to the last "goodbye".
It was all a ploy. A game. A rouse.
You didn't mean any of it.
God knows I would never hurt you, and I believed you when you said you wouldn't hurt me either.
I beleieved you when you told me that you were falling in love with me.
I believed you when you said you wanted to spend your life with me.
Spend your time, energy, money.. On me.
But I was never a priority.
I was never number one.
Not in your eyes, not once.

You're not my problem anymore.
I don't have to deal with your lies anymore.
You ended us, and frankly, I'm done fighting for a lie.

So don't tell me you love me. Don't tell me how happy you were with me. Don't tell me that you miss me, that you need me, that you want me back.
I don't want to hear any of it.
It's not my problem anymore.

I can't trust you anymore. I don't believe a word you have said, and as far as I'm concerned. It's all lies from here out too.

So have a nice life. I hope you find someone who will take you as you are, liar and all.

John. David. Issiah. Micheal. Andrew.  

Freshman year you were infatuated with him. You wanted to be whatever it was that he wanted: normal, attractive, popular, hot. You were willing to do anything to get his attention, yet it was never enough. He didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know what you could have given him. You were 15, young and full of hope. But you were never going to be what he wanted, and you knew that in your heart. You simply liked the way he made you feel in those few precious moments when his attention was focused on you. You loved him, maybe you still do. But you and I both know you'll never get to show him how much.

Sophomore year you found a distraction. You came to grips with the idea of never being his. At first getting involved with David didn't strike much enthusiasm, but as time went on he took up all of your time. You were so bitter towards him that you wasted precious time that could have been spent with him. You were too obsessed with a boy who was using you as a rebound, and couldn't realize that the time you had with John was slipping through your grasp. He left. He moved 1,493 miles away from you. He said he'd write, he said he'd call. You know now that he has forgotten all about you. Still I'm jealous of the people who flood his thoughts and get to simply enjoy his company. His energy was contagious. His smile was addicting. He promised he'd never forget but he did. It was devastating. Heartbreaking. So you used David as an even bigger distraction, until he too disappeared. And then once again, you were left alone.

At the start of junior year the depression got worse. Everything was hitting you all at once. It started to sink in that he was gone. You thought that one day everything would come together for the two of you, and suddenly he was just gone. Isaiah helped distract you a bit. He was always there to make you smile, but he wasn't John. Toward the end of the year someone new came along. Everything with him was so.. Easy. He made you laugh, made you feel wanted, made you feel worth something. He promised that "no matter what happened he'd always be there." It's ironic isn't it? How they can say words with such power and emotion like that and then leave. How promises mean so little. Michael never really explained it. One day he just woke up and "lost feelings". And once again all you could feel was worthless. He was wasting your time. He just wouldn't admit it.

Senior year was a wild one. Before it even started Issiag was admitting his "love" for you. He talked about going to school with you. Dating you. Growing old with you. Loving you. Making memories with you. When in reality I think he was using you to fill a spot that she couldn't. He'll always go back to her. Issiah and Lauren were meant for each other. You've known him for almost four years now and suddenly he just decided to disappear on you. You thought you were the best friends that he proclaimed you to be. You weren't all that he made you out to be. You were a distraction. A happy place. A drunk call. When Andrew came around saying all the right things it was refreshing. He sounded sincere. Then again, they all did. It felt right, it felt scary, it felt new. He seemed too good to be true, and he was. I'm sure part of me just wanted to believe him. Believe that I could be wanted in the capacity he proclaimed I was. He said all those things. "I love you", "I could never hurt you", "I want to have children with you", "let's buy a house", "hurting you would be hurting me". It wasn't what he said, every word he rolled  off of his lips effortlessly and without flaw. It's what he did. It's the moments when you weren't looking. The exhaustion and stress that set in because of the double life that he led. The guilt and pride which overcame his face. He thought he got away with it. I know the truth. I know what it was about for him. I know what he did. Even now, 7 months later he won't admit to it. But it's okay. I know. After he left all I could think about was John. He started the patterns of goodbye. All I could think about was what he would do if and when he found out what I had done. I felt worthless because now, more than ever, I knew I would never be what he deserved.

It's that unsaid goodbye. The one which comes like a thief in the dark of the night. There's no warning, no time for questions, no room for error. One day they are there and they love you and the next.. They're gone. The person you knew and were so fond of has disappeared into the night. I think that for a long time they're just working up the courage to tell you that you aren't what they want, but they don't know how because you're both already so invested in one another. So they cut it short, cut deep, cut to the point. You aren't what they wanted. You'll never be what they wanted. I think that's what ***** me up the most.

All of them made me feel worthless. They continued to send the message that I was never good enough for them, it wasn't until Andrew showed me that perhaps I was too good for all of them. I don't deserve to be a convince. I don't deserve to be an object. I don't deserve to be a drunk call. I don't deserve to be a distraction. I deserve to be so much more.

High school is more than just nouns and arithmetic. It's more than staying up all night to finish a paper or to read a book. The last four years have taught me so much more than just how to solve an quadratic equation or how to find the mass of a star. I've learned to dream wildly and love fearlessly. Life is scary. Love is a fine line. Walk across it slowly and with caution, but don't be afraid to fall. High school is about making connections that will last a lifetime. It's about memories. How people made you feel. It's been a rough, wild, long, sad, joyous four years filled with many many critical events. But it is four years that will never ever be forgotten.

I can’t get you off my mind
I think about you all the time
I keep you close to my heart
I hope we never part
You make me smile every day.
Even if you just say Hey
You’re always on my mind
It makes me feel so blind
You say that I’m Amazing
I can’t help but gazing.
Even though we are far apart.
We can be together at heart.
Some days I just stare at your eyes.
That is when the time flies.
We talk for hours and hours on end
Forever and ever my friend.
I wish we were more than this
That would be true bliss.