Loving you was my biggest mistake.

Love.
What a concept.
To love, and to be loved.
They say Im strong for loving you,
Brave for pushing through,
For staying when things get out of control.
They say I'm selfless for the never ending chances I give out.
But how does loving someone who doesn't see my worth make me strong?
How does unconditional forgiveness make me brave?
How does reliving the same pain over and over again make me special?

I see nothing but a coward.
A woman afraid to be treated right.
Afraid to be alone.
Afraid to give up hope.

I see a fool.
Foolish enough to believe mere words.

Love is an action word.

If you loved me the way I loved you... the way you say you do... it would change you.

The world would know.

If you loved me the way you say you do, we wouldn't be here.

I wouldn't feel alone.

I wouldn't be on the brink of simply ending it all.



Love...

What a beautiful tragedy.

January: It had been three months since I saw you, spoke to you; but the pain was still there, still potent. I began numbing it with ***** and boys and anything I could to distract me from what had taken place. I didn't care about school or getting a job. I just simply wanted to forget.

February: You weren't the first thing on my mind anymore when I woke; though you always crossed it. Something always reminded me of you. A smell, a sound, a feeling. Your voice had faded and name no longer made me sick. But you were still there.

March: I slept with someone else. I finally found it in me to give myself to someone else. I just wanted there to be someone. I didn't want you to have that hold on me anymore. I went against everything I thought and believed and I slept with someone else. I wasn't in love. I wasn't even in like. It was a total stranger. Just someone who could make me feel something again.

April: I thought I was going to break when what was supposed to be our six month anniversary came about. But I didn't. I didn't even think about you. You had messaged me out of the blue, apologizing. Apologizing for everything you put me through, telling me how I didn't deserve it. It made me laugh. I knew you'd come crawling back, but I knew it wasn't genuine. You still only wanted one thing from me. I threw myself into my work.

May: I was so looking forward to graduating. To moving forward. To ridding myself of you. I met someone, someone I thought nothing of at the time. He was just another temporary boy. Little did I know I'd see him again.

June: I graduated. I was free. I felt free. So many people thought I wouldn't do it. You broke me. You broke me so badly. I was still trying to fix myself with ***** and gin. I worked, I drank, I repeated. I went out and tried new things, new people. You tried apologizing again, I laughed.

July: I met him again. He showed up and hung around. I was weary of him. I didn't trust him, because of you. I didn't want it to just repeat. I was so worried he was going to hurt me like you did. I told myself I wasn't going to date him. I wasn't going to fall for him. But the butterflies that filled me every time I saw him, thought different.

August: August was full of adventures, smiles, laughs, tears, love. I saw him everyday. I spent all of my time with him. He had my attention better than anyone else had. I was falling. Oh god was I falling.

September: The adventures continued. We went to the beach, the mountains, the lakes. Everything with him was passionate. Vivid. It's like he breathed life into my lungs. He made me feel alive. I was on top of the world with him. Loving him took courage and strength. He got it all.

October: I told him I was leaving. I was leaving what I called home. Oh I think I broke him. You should have heard the shift in his tone, how his eyes grew dimmer, the sliver of hope he had left faded away. I was leaving, but he never asked me to stay.

November: November saw a month of tears. I was gone. My love, my best friend, my soulmate was so incredibly far. Physically and emotionally. I have never felt so alone. I missed him. I wanted him. Sometimes I even think I needed him. He was everything to me. Oh how badly I wanted to come home to him. I promised him I would. He couldn't wait though, he couldn't wait for me to come back to him... so he distracted himself with her. That made me question everything.

December: Meeting him at the airport after six and a half weeks was riveting. I was a wreck. What if he didn't love me anymore? What if I couldn't look at him? What if his plans for me, us, had changed? What then? Oh, but being in his arms... I've never felt so calm. So at peace. He wiped my tears. Reassured me of my fears. I began to imagine life with him, in even greater detail than before. He paralyzes me in a way you never did. He sees the broken you left behind and holds the pieces together. He looks at the hurt you left in my eye and finds beauty in it. I swear he could see into my soul.

January: I left him again. I had to go back home. I left him. I don't feel right without him. He's my person. My best friend. My go to. Not having him here is like living without oxygen. It's impossible.

You don't get it, do you? I would drop anything, anyone, anytime and anyplace for you. You're my person and it's cliche but I literally feel like part of me is missing because you're not here. You said I was your backbone and you don't know how badly it kills me that I can't be there for you. I can't be the one you come home to after a long day. I told you at the beginning, I'm ride or die. I see us going places. I see us being the best versions of ourselves with each other. I understand mistakes happen, I understand people get hurt, I understand our situation is ****** up. But I loved you. I love you. A piece of me is always going to love you. None of this was a game to me. None of it was a waste of my time. You mean the absolute world to me; and I think that's why this is so ******* hard. I want you. I want things with you. I want you in my life ten years from now. I want you waking up next to me every morning. I just remember California. How for a few days, you were mine and only mine. All of your attention and affection was on me. How perfect everything was. How it was you and me, against the world. I want that. I want that everyday. I want it to be like that everyday for us. I want us to grow together, to make new discoveries and go on new adventures. I want to enjoy my life with you next to me. I want to be your person as much as you are mine. I want to be your go to gal. I want to be everything you've always wanted. I want to be enough for you. I want to be with you in your darkest moments at two in the morning when you don't know what to do, you don't see the purpose in anything and I want to be with you on the brightest of days when you're high off of nothing but life. I want that so badly.  But I'm not going to compete for your attention, affection, loyalty, honesty. I refuse to compete with anyone else for your love. I'm not going to beg you to change your mindset or to finally take action for your own interest, in the interest of us. I want you to want me as much and as purely as I want you. That's why I can't fight for you. I can't beg you. I can't compete for you. Because those are things I would never want to see you do for me. I know what you're capable of giving me. I know how you're capable of treating me which is why it hurts so badly to see you not up to par. You said I was the only one who's been there for you lately, and as badly as I'm hurting right now, that isn't ever going to change. I always told you that I'm yours for as long as you'll have me. And I've been sitting here staring at my phone trying to figure out how to even say goodbye to you. Because it isn't something I want to do or ever saw myself doing. You keep telling me I should do what I want, make decisions based on what I want, but what if what I want doesn't want me? What then? I don't want to say goodbyes because goodbyes are forever I couldn't go that long without you. I don't think I ever thought it would be like this. Loving someone who doesn't know how to love me. At least not in the same way. You may not realize it now, but I promise you you'll think back and remember me. Remember us. And I'll be the one that got away, I promise you that. I wish I could say that I am willing to wait for you to want me as much as I do you. I wish I could say I'd be here when you got your **** settled and remember what it was like to have me. But I can't.. it isn't something my heart would be able to handle. My heart aches without you. There's a literal pain in my chest that won't go away. I'm drained, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I've played it over and over in my head trying to figure what I did wrong. Where I went wrong. Where i could have set myself up for this. Trying to figure out why. But I can't. None of it makes any sense. I don't see how I went from loving you to losing you in a matter of hours. Everyone is telling me I'm crazy for still wanting you. For not wanting to walk away. They all try to convince me none of it was real for you, that it was all a game for you, that you never cared, you never loved me. And honestly, I hear them. I understand why they say that. I understand why they say "if he cared about you even slightly he wouldn't have done this to you". I get it. I do. But they can't convince me. I know you. I know who you really are. I know this wasn't who you truly are. I know you are so much better than that. Maybe one of these days you'll try to convince me it was all fake so I'll walk away. So I'll find "someone better" but I don't want better. I want you. I want you at your best, and I want you at your worst. I want you.


I wish that one day after you have everything settled, with your job with your daughter with her, and you find your heart aching for something you loved and lost... I wish that we could start over on a clean slate. I wish that then you would love me like you always said you did. I wish that that time I wouldn't be taken for granted. I wish that then, it would turn into something real. And I'll hold onto that hope, as foolish as it is. All I can do is hope.


I love you. I love you more than words can express. If nothing else comes from you and I at least I can rest at night knowing that you now know what it's like to be loved. And I mean really loved uncontrollably, unconditionally, passionately. Don't ever forget what that's like. And don't you ever say you don't deserve the kind of love I gave you. Don't you ever say it's too good for you. You deserve the world, and nothing less. Keep your standards high my love.

You know what I am constantly afraid of every time you don't answer your phone or text me back. I'm afraid that just like that, in a blink of an eye everything changed for you. I'm afraid you decided to go back to her, to make it easier. I'm afraid you found someone new and exciting that you vibe with and decided they were better. I'm afraid that just like every time before you, I still wasn't good enough. Do you know what it's like to live in a constant fear like that? To be afraid every time the phone rings or every time you get a message that everything you found comfort in, everything you wanted was just gone? Every single time I get a picture from her, a message from her, it makes me second guess you. It's probably what she wants, but it's working. I should have never gotten this far into it with you. I should have stayed away. I should have listened to the warnings of my family, my friends, and my gut. I should have payed attention to the red flags that continuously showed up. I should have never let myself fall like this for you. Because it's the kind of fear that will give you sleepless nights, the kind that makes you lose your appetite, your drive, your ambition. It's a crippling fear.

I remember there was a time when I knew I would be okay if you did make that sudden decision. It would be a decision you weren't first to make. I remember when the sound of your lies didn't soothe my anxiety. I remember when I could see right through it all. But now, I feel all of this fear at once, because if you were to change your mind within the hours of silence I don't know what I would do. I don't know if I could handle something like that again and the thought of that scares me so badly.

I fell in love with they way you looked at me when you thought I wouldn't notice. The way you couldn't help but smile when I told a stupid story or a less than funny joke. The way your hand fit so effortlessly in mine. The passion I felt with every kiss. I fell in love with your eyes because a part of me knew they could see straight into my soul. I fell in love with the way you spoke about us, about a chance for a future. The way you had to convince every ounce in your body that the fear of loving me, of letting me love you, was completely irrational. I fell in love with the way everything was so easy with you. The way that even after months of falling asleep next you, waking up to you, and spending every second I could with you, I never got tired of it. I never wanted anything more than to spend every moment I could with you. Your company was never suffocating. No matter how long I spent with you, you still had the ability to make me nervous. To make me feel something. I fell in love with your love for your family. Your endurance to find hope in the midst of a struggle. Your confidence in me. I fell in love with the way you wanted what was best for me, even though you couldn't see that it was you. I fell madly, deeply, passionately, courageously, effortlessly, so vastly in love with the way you looked at me especially when you thought I wouldn't notice.

And suddenly, the druggie became the drug.

One day
I'm going to meet someone,
And they are going to make me forget about every heartbreak,
Every game,
Every lie that's been said.

That somebody is going to make me forget about the boy I once loved.
The ones who come crawling back to me.
The ones I saw a future with.

I can't wait until that day comes,
Because I'm honestly so tired and I can't breathe.

My eyes are bloodshot.
My heart is cold.
Everything I feared is happening.

But one day, it'll be okay.
I'll have forgotten about you and the memories we shared.
I'll be loved, in a way no one has been able to before.
And I'll be okay.

One day.

I'm not insecure. I'm jealous and unrightfully so. You're not mine.  I'm jealous of anyone who catches your eye, I'm jealous of anyone who snags your attention. I'm jealous of the ones who take your time. I'm insanely jealous of anyone who makes you smile, feel, live more than I do. I have 41 days, 16 hours and approximately 32 minutes left here. I completely understand that you would not want to commit to that, to me when I will be 800 miles away. But I'm still here for now. I'm here now. Make these moments count. These should be what matter. Don't be scared, because you know I'm going to leave please. I just want to love you deeper than anyone else has, or will. Why can't you let me?

You asked me tonight if I remembered our first kiss. It occurred to me that I remember everything. Early that Wednesday morning standing outside of the liquor store with a man I barely knew, I remember looking at you and thinking "we've been out all night, it's been 6 hours, is he going to make a move or" and then bam. Hands wondered, people stared, breaths were shallow. I remember how nervous I was every time I saw you following that night. It was like a rush ran through my body. Was I still what you wanted? Was I pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, good enough? I remember the first night you stayed over without my parents approval, without my parents even knowing who you were, thinking to myself "I hope this boy is worth all that im risking". The endless nights I would catch you staring from the corner of my eye. The night I leaned over and kissed you as I almost vocalized "**** is this going to hurt". Or the first time you told me you loved me. The words cut through the silence as I left for work while crippling fear flooded my being. I tried everything in me to ignore it. Even the first night I said it back, meaning it with nothing less then everything I had in me, not to count the endless nights I had said it knowing you were fast asleep because I needed to gain the courage to tell you. Hearing you ramble about when we were going to live together or how you planned on growing old with me. You knew just what to say. I remember our first fight and how utterly heartbroken I was. I can remember the taste of your lips and sound of you breathing. Your laugh plays on an endless loop in my minds. Your smile flashes before me as I close my eyes. Your voice echoes in my eardrums. I remember everything. Your ridiculous snoring, horrible smoking habit, hopeless look in your eyes. It was a tragic love we shared. But what makes it an even greater tragedy, is that I knew we would never last.

He reminded me of you. I remember his taste, it was just like yours: a perfect mix of hopelessness and pain. His careless demeanor matched yours to a t. His excuses and yours aligned perfectly. The sound of him sleeping mimicked you. I think the only difference between the two was, it wasn't just *** for him. I wasn't just a prize to be won. I wasn't a toy sitting there waiting to be claimed. He saw me as a person, or at least he made it seem like he did. If it was all an act, at least he was a better actor. I deserved better than either of you were willing to give me. He didn't rush me like you did. He at least took the time to spread out the lies, to make them believable. He reminded me of you, and that's just one more example of how I can never escape you.

It's over now.
But something inside me is telling me that it has just begun.

John. David. Issiah. Micheal. Andrew.  

Freshman year you were infatuated with him. You wanted to be whatever it was that he wanted: normal, attractive, popular, hot. You were willing to do anything to get his attention, yet it was never enough. He didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know what you could have given him. You were 15, young and full of hope. But you were never going to be what he wanted, and you knew that in your heart. You simply liked the way he made you feel in those few precious moments when his attention was focused on you. You loved him, maybe you still do. But you and I both know you'll never get to show him how much.

Sophomore year you found a distraction. You came to grips with the idea of never being his. At first getting involved with David didn't strike much enthusiasm, but as time went on he took up all of your time. You were so bitter towards him that you wasted precious time that could have been spent with him. You were too obsessed with a boy who was using you as a rebound, and couldn't realize that the time you had with John was slipping through your grasp. He left. He moved 1,493 miles away from you. He said he'd write, he said he'd call. You know now that he has forgotten all about you. Still I'm jealous of the people who flood his thoughts and get to simply enjoy his company. His energy was contagious. His smile was addicting. He promised he'd never forget but he did. It was devastating. Heartbreaking. So you used David as an even bigger distraction, until he too disappeared. And then once again, you were left alone.

At the start of junior year the depression got worse. Everything was hitting you all at once. It started to sink in that he was gone. You thought that one day everything would come together for the two of you, and suddenly he was just gone. Isaiah helped distract you a bit. He was always there to make you smile, but he wasn't John. Toward the end of the year someone new came along. Everything with him was so.. Easy. He made you laugh, made you feel wanted, made you feel worth something. He promised that "no matter what happened he'd always be there." It's ironic isn't it? How they can say words with such power and emotion like that and then leave. How promises mean so little. Michael never really explained it. One day he just woke up and "lost feelings". And once again all you could feel was worthless. He was wasting your time. He just wouldn't admit it.

Senior year was a wild one. Before it even started Issiag was admitting his "love" for you. He talked about going to school with you. Dating you. Growing old with you. Loving you. Making memories with you. When in reality I think he was using you to fill a spot that she couldn't. He'll always go back to her. Issiah and Lauren were meant for each other. You've known him for almost four years now and suddenly he just decided to disappear on you. You thought you were the best friends that he proclaimed you to be. You weren't all that he made you out to be. You were a distraction. A happy place. A drunk call. When Andrew came around saying all the right things it was refreshing. He sounded sincere. Then again, they all did. It felt right, it felt scary, it felt new. He seemed too good to be true, and he was. I'm sure part of me just wanted to believe him. Believe that I could be wanted in the capacity he proclaimed I was. He said all those things. "I love you", "I could never hurt you", "I want to have children with you", "let's buy a house", "hurting you would be hurting me". It wasn't what he said, every word he rolled  off of his lips effortlessly and without flaw. It's what he did. It's the moments when you weren't looking. The exhaustion and stress that set in because of the double life that he led. The guilt and pride which overcame his face. He thought he got away with it. I know the truth. I know what it was about for him. I know what he did. Even now, 7 months later he won't admit to it. But it's okay. I know. After he left all I could think about was John. He started the patterns of goodbye. All I could think about was what he would do if and when he found out what I had done. I felt worthless because now, more than ever, I knew I would never be what he deserved.

It's that unsaid goodbye. The one which comes like a thief in the dark of the night. There's no warning, no time for questions, no room for error. One day they are there and they love you and the next.. They're gone. The person you knew and were so fond of has disappeared into the night. I think that for a long time they're just working up the courage to tell you that you aren't what they want, but they don't know how because you're both already so invested in one another. So they cut it short, cut deep, cut to the point. You aren't what they wanted. You'll never be what they wanted. I think that's what ***** me up the most.

All of them made me feel worthless. They continued to send the message that I was never good enough for them, it wasn't until Andrew showed me that perhaps I was too good for all of them. I don't deserve to be a convince. I don't deserve to be an object. I don't deserve to be a drunk call. I don't deserve to be a distraction. I deserve to be so much more.

High school is more than just nouns and arithmetic. It's more than staying up all night to finish a paper or to read a book. The last four years have taught me so much more than just how to solve an quadratic equation or how to find the mass of a star. I've learned to dream wildly and love fearlessly. Life is scary. Love is a fine line. Walk across it slowly and with caution, but don't be afraid to fall. High school is about making connections that will last a lifetime. It's about memories. How people made you feel. It's been a rough, wild, long, sad, joyous four years filled with many many critical events. But it is four years that will never ever be forgotten.

It burned, but the sting of the ***** burning her throat felt better than the burning realization that she meant nothing to the boy she loved.

Nostalgia kicked in. She wanted to feel wanted. So for the night, she drunkenly cling to the closest person to her. Hoping, praying, longing that for the night she could feel again. Love, lust, hope, faith: anything.

She knew she didn't want to, but she forced herself to anyway.
She knew he was no different, but she let his spineless words spark a hope.
She knew the feeling wouldn't last, but she closed her eyes and relieved the memories it resurfaced.
She knew it wasn't love, but she uttered the words right back to him, regardless.

In his arms, she lay. His voice formed words for hours, but she wasn't quite sure of what he was saying. She laughed when it felt right, but as of then, nothing felt right.

The sun began to peak through the shade, and the girl was unaware of with whom she lay. The memories of his name and his touch, his voice had left with the night.

Quietly she rose quietly out of bed, hoping not to wake him so he couldn't **** anymore with her head.

She stumbled to get dressed and drowsily he spoke "where you going babe" and silently she shuddered.

She uttered words that could be understood and abruptly ran out of the house. She left everything she could trying to escape the confrontation.
Instead she was confronted with her loneliness and deep dark depression.

He said that he wasn't good enough for me, and I think that's what set me over the top. Because all my life I have never been good enough for anyone: friends, parents, boys, anyone. And finally I had met someone who I thought didn't take me for granted. Someone who I believed loved me. I thought that he honestly believed he wasn't good enough, which in turn made him the perfect fit. But I was wrong. What he was really saying was that I didn't deserve what he was giving me. I didn't deserve being walked all over, the lies, the secrets. I think he was genuinely saying that I deserved better then what he was ever going to offer me. And after five months I still don't know what to do with that.

I woke up Saturday morning and with one glance of my phone, I was bawling. No one died, no one was hurt. I simply go the message that I had been waiting for for four months. He apologized. For everything, he apologized. Finally he honestly acknowledged that I was worth more than what he gave me. I deserved better. It was surreal. Numbing. It woke me up. I had been living in a daze for months, wondering what was sincere and what was a show. I was right all along. But, there was something about hearing it from him. Hearing him say: "If I could take back how I treated you, I would". He broke me for the last time.

Baby, listen please.
I'm not in love, I'm just on drugs.

It happened in waves.

The first wave simply brought confusion. A state of denial, a hope that none of it were true. For the first time my heart stopped and I thought the world would stop spinning around me, but it didn't.

Second, came hatred. Self hatred, hatred for others, hatred for love happiness and affection. It's consuming - the self loathing. Questions like "why wasn't I good enough", "will I ever be good enough" , "I am too damaged to be loved", "was anything he said true or was it all just an act". For thinkers such as I, this wave is the most dangerous. Often I was left to ponder my actions, reactions, memories. Which brings the next wave.

The third wave: memories. Memories of both the good and the bad. Memories of the smiles and the tears. It hurts, it's confusing. I was fire and he was gasoline, we were made to compliment each other. Yet somehow, we caused destruction instead. How did we go so far to simply crash and burn? Was it my fault? Was he genuine at all? Memories grab you and keep you in the past. They take away all opportunities at a future. Do not stay in this all consuming wave.

Next was the bitterness. Bitterness against him, myself, my family, love. Everything. Much like hatred I held onto the wrongs done to me. I kept them close, in the front of my mind. As if remaining bitter would change the past.

Fifth was when the burden began to lift. Suddenly he wasn't the only thing occupying my mind. Our love, mistakes, and lies - it all began to fade. I couldn't remember his smile, the warmth of his touch, the sound of his laugh, the security of his embrace or the comfort of his voice. They were gone. I was full of a complex feeling of both freedom and suffocation. I didn't know how to react to this loss, but suddenly it became real. I didn't go to sleep dreaming of him, nor wake up longing for him. I simply... existed.

In this sixth and final stage I am content. I can breathe, dream, love, laugh. He is no longer the center of my universe, but simply another planet in my galaxy. I feel a sense of freedom. I am no longer bound by his lies, burdens, restrictions, deceit, or display of love.

It happened in waves, but I've weathered the storm. It's time to rebuild.

My soul has been sad for far too long.
I want to be joyful again.
I want the still, small, quiet moments to not be filled with anyones memory.

My soul aches and my body is tired.

I wish I never learned the truth about you, at least then I could go to sleep with the perfect image I had of you in my head.
But you distorted it.
My eyes were opened.
I was forced to see the truth.
It wasn't because of what you thought was best for me.
It wasn't romantic, selfless, valiant, or brave.
It was selfish, narcissistic, egotistical, lustful and painful.
Nothing will change that.

But I'm a lover.
I don't love many,
but the ones I do,
I always will.

I love deeply, courageously, boldly, widely, and freely.

I just need to let go of your memory,
so that my soul can be happy again.

do we write to remember,
or are we writing to forget?

It's weird having a best friend that you're not close to anymore. It's weird remembering all the laughter, tears, hugs, and fears that were shared. We never thought our farewell would come so soon. There wasn't a falling out. It wasn't because of anything in particular. Anything but distance. 1,956 miles of distance. Which makes me wonder if we were honestly friends or just friends because of convenience. We shared our whole lives with each other, but now, we rarely talk. It's weird to have to think if I should go into the details of my heartbreak, my love, my life with you. Or if I should just scratch the surface like I would do with any other stranger. I'm not the same person I was when you left. I've changed. I have learned my lessons the hard way. But every part of me wishes you were there with me. We never think the last time would be the last time. I miss you, bestfriend. I miss you so much it hurts.

Rain.
Never ending rain.
It's cold, dark, and lonely - but I find comfort here in the rain.
You weren't my sunshine.
My bright, sunny day.
You were the rain, but I found comfort in the pain.

Every single time. Every time I tell myself not to get my hopes up, not to get attached. And every time, I fail anyway. I'm a lover, a fighter, a thinker, a survivor. I don't know what it is. I don't know why being distant is so difficult. I trust no one. I refuse to love. I won't be anything but loyal. I push people away. And I do it on purpose. At least then, I'll know who to blame.
Every time I tell myself: "no, you have too much to lose" "no, he doesn't mean it" "no, you aren't still in love" "no, you aren't going to fall". I'll always prove myself wrong, which in turn, proves my doubts right.

I don't want to be a back up plan, a second choice, an option. I want to be the one and only one on your mind. I want to be a priority. I want to feel loved, know I'm loved. I want loyalty, honesty, integrity.

Yet, every time. I settle.

Wanna know the worst part about falling in love with him?
I knew from the moment I met him, that I'd be falling alone.
I knew none of it was real, or authentic, or meaningful to him.
I was just another girl to him.
Just another listening ear, kind heart, forgiving spirit.
I was just another spark of joy, that needed to be snuffed out.
It *****, because I knew. I knew it.
I knew I'd fall, and I knew he wouldn't be there to catch me.
I knew and it still didn't stop me.
That's the worst part.
Everyday for weeks, I questioned his motives.
And everyday I got another lie, excuse, story.
I knew and I still let you push me over the edge.
I didn't care.
I wanted to believe you, believe in you, believe that people do change, are different, have a conscience.
But I was wrong to believe.
So I fell alone.

I loved you. Deeply, whole-heartedly, sickeningly, with every ounce of my being, with every breath I had, I loved you. I used to say that I was "in love with you". But I've come to realize that there's a difference between being in love, and loving someone with all that you have. To be in love suggests that someone is also in love with you. Unfortunately for me, that wasn't the case. I don't know what you honestly felt for me, if you felt anything. But I know what I felt. I felt alive when you looked at me. I felt a rush every time you embraced me. Whenever you would flash me your smile, I felt content. Your stare filled me with peace. When your eyes met mine, I felt secure. I just wanted to know what was going through your mind. What were your dreams, fears, dislikes? What did you love? I wanted so badly to be your backbone. With all I had, I wanted to be the one you relied on. I wanted to be the one you longed to see at the end of a rough day. Most of all, I wanted you to know how much you meant to me. I loved you, with everything I had. I loved you, with every second I breathed. I wanted to be a better person, for you. I wanted to be honest, kind, loving, gentle, respectful, respectable. I wanted to be the kind of women you could love. So maybe I wasn't "in love" with you, but I know that there isn't a single thing that I have - past or present - that I wouldn't have given up for you.

It completely baffles me how incredibly idiotic we as humans are. We are so brilliant, yet we let all of our intelligence go when we get distracted by love. The red flags don't look so suspicious, the lies sound like honey to our ears, excuses become believable, our vision become narrow and blurred. We never suspect that every word they breath to us is false. We never would guess that we're just some pawn, in the players game. Every bone in our body makes us want to believe that we are as important as they say, as valuable as they say, as lovable as they say. But it's just words. Humans are blinded by love. And nothing rocks our world like realizing that none of it meant anything. The "I love you's", the "I wouldn't know what to do without you", the "I can't live without you", the "I'll never leave", "I would never hurt you", "you mean everything to me", and so many more meaningless lines, are just that - meaningless. Nothing wakes us up better than the tear jerking, sobbing your eyes out, sick to your stomach, dead inside, sleepless nights. Sometimes, those nights open our eyes.. And sometimes, they sew them shut with hate, bitterness, and self loathing. No, we as humans aren't the brightest bunch. We're ignorant, and never seem to learn. We choose to love again. We choose to trust again, to be vulnerable. We choose to take our armor off and hand the enemy a dagger, hopping, praying, pleading, that they don't use us for target practice. It's a mystery why we do it. Maybe we like the pain, perhaps it makes us feel alive. Maybe I'll never know.

At this point, I don't even care that it's over.
I know it had to end.
What I don't understand is how you could lie to me.
How you could sit there and tell me that there was no one else.
How you could say that you loved me, when you really didn't care.
I don't get how those words were just words for you.

But maybe, since you've repeated them to - only God knows how many - different faces, those words, that I held close, lost all meaning to you.

I don't want to be another girl that you loved.
I don't want to be another girl you cared for.

Real or not, I don't want to be that girl.

Maybe the lies became too much for you to keep up with. Maybe you honestly realized I deserved more.

I refuse to believe that it was all a lie, but I can't distinguish between fact and facade with you.

I think it was like I said in the beginning: you loved the idea of me.

I'm sitting here heartbroken over a man who didn't know me, while I try to forget the only one who ever really did.

You taught me how to love, but never how to be loved.
You showed me the beauty of trust; the bond of friendship.
You were never mine, but I yours.
You weren't my first kiss, and you won't be my last.
But, you were my first love.
My first real, true, deep love.

I don't even know if you realize how much I love you.
Or if you ever will.

We haven't spoken in months, almost a year.

You voice has faded,
Your laugh is gone,
Your smile is lost,
Your embrace has vanished.

Yet, my love for you remains untouched.

It always seems to come back to you.

You ******* me up real good, without even realizing it.

I wonder when I realized I loved you.

Was it when I couldn't breathe while in a room with you, but I couldn't imagine being anywhere else?

Was it when we were young, simply enjoying each others company?

Or was it when I realized the interactions I had with you - no matter how short or how long - were what got me through the day?

You.

It was always you.

I admitted today that if I was to wait for anyone to fall for me, it would be you - and only you.

I've tried hating you.
I've tried letting go.
I've tried forgetting you.
I've tried moving on.
Believe me, I've tried.

But for some reason, I always come back to you.

If you could see me now you'd tell me I'm crazy.
But maybe you're right.
You make me crazy.

I miss you more than you know.
More than you should be allowed to miss someone.

You were always my favorite "hello" and hardest "goodbye".

I used to be angry at you - resentful even that you left.

You started the patterns of goodbyes.

But I'm not mad anymore.
I just hope you're happy now... wherever life has taken you.

Because, you taught me how to love..

Stop.
Stop making me believe I mean anything to you.
Stop worrying about me.
Stop caring what I've been up to.

Stop it all.

I trusted you and all of your empty promises.

I believed every word you spoke to me.

So just stop.
Stop with all of it.

I don't want to hear that you miss me.
I don't care if you're still in love with me.

You walked away. You left.

Just like I knew you would. You left.

Just like you promise me you wouldn't. So many times you reassured me that I had nothing to fear.

Ha. You used to get so angry at me because I was scared to fall for you.

Look how that turned out.

Who left who out of fear?

You did. You left.

Boys are stupid for lying...


But girls?


Girls, we are incredibly stupid for continuously believing them.

I'm curious. How does it feel to **** up two relationships in less than two months? I bet it feels ******* fantastic. Just don't convince the next ***** that you actually love her. Give her a heads up that you're all about the *** no matter how much you say "relationships aren't about *** for me" give her a heads up for me. Let her know she doesn't mean **** to you except some nice ***** and someone to complain to. Make sure she knows that the ring you show her wasn't bought for her. Don't give her Jacks ring because that'll make her feel special. It'll make her read into it. When we both know that she isn't special. Jack gave you that ring. Stop trying to give it away. Don't tell her that she's beautiful or sing her songs. Because that'll make her think that you actually give a **** what happens to her. When you know you really could care less. Don't tell her that she calms you down or helps with your ptsd because that'll make her feel important. It'll make her feel like she means something to you. When really it's just another **** buddy that you tell "I love you" to. And for Christ's sake. Don't tell her those three words if you're not sure with all of your being that you mean it. Don't tell her that you're scared to lose her when you're gonna walk away. Don't tell her that you had ******* nightmares about her leaving, when you were planning on leaving her. Don't **** her up any more than she already is man. Say what you mean and mean what you ******* say. Don't make plans with her that are far out in the future because that'll just **** up those days for her. Next time you see a ***** that you wanna ****, make sure she knows that's all it is. Don't tell her that you don't hurt people and that you're the one who is always getting hurt, because that's complete *******. Complete and utter *******. Don't lie to her about what you believe and then decide to tell her the truth once she is invested her whole heart in you. Unless of course, you don't care how many girls you **** up in the head. Because in that case, do all of those things I just said not to do.

I've forgotten how to breathe without you. Every breath is shallow and new. It feels like winter is surrounding me. The cold, the crass, the confusion. With every breath, I exhale your memory. Your touch, your smell, your kiss, your smile.

What a contagious smile.
What I would give to see it overcome your face, one more time.

I've forgotten how to sleep without you. I close my eyes and you are all that I see. It used to be that thinking of you, remembering you, was the only way I would fall asleep. I used to think about the first day I met you. The moment our eyes met for the first time. How as we walked, I tried walking as close to you as I could, without making you feel uncomfortable, because I longed for the moments when your skin would brush across mine. I use to think about how it felt when you would come up behind me and hold me for a minute, every time you thought I was asleep. But now, every time I close my eyes I see you. I see what we had. What we lost. I don't know how to sleep without you.

I have forgotten how to live without you. I did it for 18 years before you, but in the short time we spent together, you have made me forget. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't go anywhere or do anything. I feel so lost, broken, confused, dead.

I have forgotten how to exsist in a world where you do not.

But have no fear, do not worry.
You will never be forgotten.

It was all a lie, wasn't it?
From the first "I love you" to the last "goodbye".
It was all a ploy. A game. A rouse.
You didn't mean any of it.
God knows I would never hurt you, and I believed you when you said you wouldn't hurt me either.
I beleieved you when you told me that you were falling in love with me.
I believed you when you said you wanted to spend your life with me.
Spend your time, energy, money.. On me.
But I was never a priority.
I was never number one.
Not in your eyes, not once.

You're not my problem anymore.
I don't have to deal with your lies anymore.
You ended us, and frankly, I'm done fighting for a lie.

So don't tell me you love me. Don't tell me how happy you were with me. Don't tell me that you miss me, that you need me, that you want me back.
I don't want to hear any of it.
It's not my problem anymore.

I can't trust you anymore. I don't believe a word you have said, and as far as I'm concerned. It's all lies from here out too.

So have a nice life. I hope you find someone who will take you as you are, liar and all.

I loved him.

I love him.

But in the end, I guess

I just hope it was all worth it to him.
I hope he loved me as much as he said he did and that it tears him up inside.
I hope he bought that ring.
And I pray that every morning he wakes up and looks at it and thinks about what great lengths he went to in order to convince me he wanted nothing to do with me.
I hope he realizes what he just lost, what he just pushed away.
I hope one day he wakes up longing to hear my voice or to feel my kiss, and he remembers why he wanted me gone.
I hope it kills him inside.
I hope the *** was worth it.
I hope the time, the love, the money.
I hope it was all worth it to him.

I hope my daughter never has to hear the same lies you told me.
But if she does, I hope she's smarter than to believe it.

I'm foolish.
I'm young.
I'm stupid.
I'm guilible.
I'm disappointed.
At 18 and decided to believe he loved me just because he liked saying it. I decided because he wanted to spend his life with me I should give him a shot. I decided to compromise myself for a man that was full of empty promises. I'm so disappointed in myself, because this isn't even the first time. I'm tired of hearing the right things.

I simply want to know that your intentions are pure and that you're telling me the truth.

Well it's over. It's done.
I have given every piece of myself to you.
You have won.
Everything I have, is yours.
I feel vulnerable. Naked. Exposed.
I have nothing kept for myself.
Nothing left to hold onto.
I've been happy about that decision until now.
Now all I can thing is how badly this will hurt me if you chance your mind.
God, I hope you're not just using me to fufill your momentary desires.
I hope that you don't wake up one morning and decide you've had enough.

Because it'll **** me.

All my cards are in your hands, play responsibly.

i don't know if I have ever in my life wanted to be more wrong. Typically, when it comes to matters of this nature, it's not a matter of IF someone will leave, but WHEN.

Everyone always leaves.

They all promise they won't.
They say that they will stay forever.
They talk about a future. A life.

But it's all talk. They all leave.

As soon as they sense you letting your guard down, becoming attached, believing them... That's when it happens...

That's when they run..

It's inevitable.
It happens time and time again.