do we write to remember,
or are we writing to forget?

I'm addicted. You've got me hooked. I'm addicted to your smile: the way you look into my eyes and see right through me, through all the lies and disguises. I'm addicted to your touch: how your body presses against me when we hug, or how your hands seem to wonder when we're alone, and the bittersweet taste of our goodbye kiss. I'm addicted to the high you set me off on. You make me feel like I'm on top of the world! Like you and I are the only people in the universe that matter. I smile on the darkest of days, why? Because of you. I have hope that I'll make it through these times, why? Because I have you. With anyone else our silence would be considered awkward and would be filled with meaningless small talk; but with you... It's simply perfect, because we understand each other. The silence, the noise, it's all the same. You know me better than anyone. You know what I'll say before it's said, you know my hopes, dreams, and fears. You make me high, and I can't get enough. You're more addictive than heroine, *******, or ****; and I don't want to stop.

You don't understand. Or maybe you do.
Everything you say, I've heard before. I've been told "I love you", and then he left me.
I've been told "I need you", and he survived without me.
I've been told "I want to spend my life with you", and he walked away.
I've been told "I'm always here for you" and he got annoyed.
I've been told "I'm proud of you", and she hit me.
So I'm sorry if you can't understand why am scared.
But if I fall one more time, I don't think I'll be able to pick myself up again.
I fall hard. I fall fast fast. My love is deep.
But after hearing the same **** over and over again, it loses its meaning.
I can't help what I feel.
I can't stop my fear.

I feel like I'm jumping off a cliff
   And no one's there to catch me.
      Everywhere I look you're all I see.
         I can't feel anything; nothing at all.
           Feelingless.
              Emotionless.
                 Numb.
                    You say you love me;
                        But, you don't show it.
                          You say you care;
                             But, I don't know it.
                                I could leave and no one would notice.
                                   Why do I have to feel this way?
                                       Can't I just be okay?
                                             I'm f
                                                     a
                                                        l
     ­                                                     l
          ­                                                  i
                                                              n
                                                                ­g,
                                                              ­        f
                                                       ­             a
                                                  ­                     l
                                                              ­            l
                                                   ­                         i
                                                                ­             n
                                                                ­                g,
                                              ­                                          falling fast,
                                                                ­                          falling hard.

                                                          ­                                                          
                                                                ­                                                    

                                                               ­                                                       Someone notice before it's too late.

John. David. Issiah. Micheal. Andrew.  

Freshman year you were infatuated with him. You wanted to be whatever it was that he wanted: normal, attractive, popular, hot. You were willing to do anything to get his attention, yet it was never enough. He didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know what you could have given him. You were 15, young and full of hope. But you were never going to be what he wanted, and you knew that in your heart. You simply liked the way he made you feel in those few precious moments when his attention was focused on you. You loved him, maybe you still do. But you and I both know you'll never get to show him how much.

Sophomore year you found a distraction. You came to grips with the idea of never being his. At first getting involved with David didn't strike much enthusiasm, but as time went on he took up all of your time. You were so bitter towards him that you wasted precious time that could have been spent with him. You were too obsessed with a boy who was using you as a rebound, and couldn't realize that the time you had with John was slipping through your grasp. He left. He moved 1,493 miles away from you. He said he'd write, he said he'd call. You know now that he has forgotten all about you. Still I'm jealous of the people who flood his thoughts and get to simply enjoy his company. His energy was contagious. His smile was addicting. He promised he'd never forget but he did. It was devastating. Heartbreaking. So you used David as an even bigger distraction, until he too disappeared. And then once again, you were left alone.

At the start of junior year the depression got worse. Everything was hitting you all at once. It started to sink in that he was gone. You thought that one day everything would come together for the two of you, and suddenly he was just gone. Isaiah helped distract you a bit. He was always there to make you smile, but he wasn't John. Toward the end of the year someone new came along. Everything with him was so.. Easy. He made you laugh, made you feel wanted, made you feel worth something. He promised that "no matter what happened he'd always be there." It's ironic isn't it? How they can say words with such power and emotion like that and then leave. How promises mean so little. Michael never really explained it. One day he just woke up and "lost feelings". And once again all you could feel was worthless. He was wasting your time. He just wouldn't admit it.

Senior year was a wild one. Before it even started Issiag was admitting his "love" for you. He talked about going to school with you. Dating you. Growing old with you. Loving you. Making memories with you. When in reality I think he was using you to fill a spot that she couldn't. He'll always go back to her. Issiah and Lauren were meant for each other. You've known him for almost four years now and suddenly he just decided to disappear on you. You thought you were the best friends that he proclaimed you to be. You weren't all that he made you out to be. You were a distraction. A happy place. A drunk call. When Andrew came around saying all the right things it was refreshing. He sounded sincere. Then again, they all did. It felt right, it felt scary, it felt new. He seemed too good to be true, and he was. I'm sure part of me just wanted to believe him. Believe that I could be wanted in the capacity he proclaimed I was. He said all those things. "I love you", "I could never hurt you", "I want to have children with you", "let's buy a house", "hurting you would be hurting me". It wasn't what he said, every word he rolled  off of his lips effortlessly and without flaw. It's what he did. It's the moments when you weren't looking. The exhaustion and stress that set in because of the double life that he led. The guilt and pride which overcame his face. He thought he got away with it. I know the truth. I know what it was about for him. I know what he did. Even now, 7 months later he won't admit to it. But it's okay. I know. After he left all I could think about was John. He started the patterns of goodbye. All I could think about was what he would do if and when he found out what I had done. I felt worthless because now, more than ever, I knew I would never be what he deserved.

It's that unsaid goodbye. The one which comes like a thief in the dark of the night. There's no warning, no time for questions, no room for error. One day they are there and they love you and the next.. They're gone. The person you knew and were so fond of has disappeared into the night. I think that for a long time they're just working up the courage to tell you that you aren't what they want, but they don't know how because you're both already so invested in one another. So they cut it short, cut deep, cut to the point. You aren't what they wanted. You'll never be what they wanted. I think that's what ***** me up the most.

All of them made me feel worthless. They continued to send the message that I was never good enough for them, it wasn't until Andrew showed me that perhaps I was too good for all of them. I don't deserve to be a convince. I don't deserve to be an object. I don't deserve to be a drunk call. I don't deserve to be a distraction. I deserve to be so much more.

High school is more than just nouns and arithmetic. It's more than staying up all night to finish a paper or to read a book. The last four years have taught me so much more than just how to solve an quadratic equation or how to find the mass of a star. I've learned to dream wildly and love fearlessly. Life is scary. Love is a fine line. Walk across it slowly and with caution, but don't be afraid to fall. High school is about making connections that will last a lifetime. It's about memories. How people made you feel. It's been a rough, wild, long, sad, joyous four years filled with many many critical events. But it is four years that will never ever be forgotten.

I just hope it was all worth it to him.
I hope he loved me as much as he said he did and that it tears him up inside.
I hope he bought that ring.
And I pray that every morning he wakes up and looks at it and thinks about what great lengths he went to in order to convince me he wanted nothing to do with me.
I hope he realizes what he just lost, what he just pushed away.
I hope one day he wakes up longing to hear my voice or to feel my kiss, and he remembers why he wanted me gone.
I hope it kills him inside.
I hope the *** was worth it.
I hope the time, the love, the money.
I hope it was all worth it to him.

And suddenly, the druggie became the drug.

It's always the same thing day in and day out. The same discussion, the same problems, the same longings. There's nothing I can do to get out of this rut I seem to be stuck in. I can't seem to break this mold. I have nothing to say that I haven't already said; no new emotions, feelings, or thoughts. I'm just so...empty. I should be happy. I have so many reasons to be. But the negativity of those around me has begin to engulf me. I'm downing in a sea of ungratefulness, forgetfulness, hatred, anger, and loneliness. I push everyone away because for some reason I'm still stuck on you. I can't be happy because my family is falling apart, my life is falling apart, my whole world is crumbling before me. I can't even cry about it. I am beyond ready to get out of this goodbye town and start fresh and new. I want to go somewhere and rebuild my outlook on life, love, and happiness. I know that they exist, just...not here. There's nothing this place could offer me. It destroys, distrusts, and degrades. That's not where I want to be.

Love.
What a concept.
To love, and to be loved.
They say Im strong for loving you,
Brave for pushing through,
For staying when things get out of control.
They say I'm selfless for the never ending chances I give out.
But how does loving someone who doesn't see my worth make me strong?
How does unconditional forgiveness make me brave?
How does reliving the same pain over and over again make me special?

I see nothing but a coward.
A woman afraid to be treated right.
Afraid to be alone.
Afraid to give up hope.

I see a fool.
Foolish enough to believe mere words.

Love is an action word.

If you loved me the way I loved you... the way you say you do... it would change you.

The world would know.

If you loved me the way you say you do, we wouldn't be here.

I wouldn't feel alone.

I wouldn't be on the brink of simply ending it all.



Love...

What a beautiful tragedy.

You asked me tonight if I remembered our first kiss. It occurred to me that I remember everything. Early that Wednesday morning standing outside of the liquor store with a man I barely knew, I remember looking at you and thinking "we've been out all night, it's been 6 hours, is he going to make a move or" and then bam. Hands wondered, people stared, breaths were shallow. I remember how nervous I was every time I saw you following that night. It was like a rush ran through my body. Was I still what you wanted? Was I pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, good enough? I remember the first night you stayed over without my parents approval, without my parents even knowing who you were, thinking to myself "I hope this boy is worth all that im risking". The endless nights I would catch you staring from the corner of my eye. The night I leaned over and kissed you as I almost vocalized "**** is this going to hurt". Or the first time you told me you loved me. The words cut through the silence as I left for work while crippling fear flooded my being. I tried everything in me to ignore it. Even the first night I said it back, meaning it with nothing less then everything I had in me, not to count the endless nights I had said it knowing you were fast asleep because I needed to gain the courage to tell you. Hearing you ramble about when we were going to live together or how you planned on growing old with me. You knew just what to say. I remember our first fight and how utterly heartbroken I was. I can remember the taste of your lips and sound of you breathing. Your laugh plays on an endless loop in my minds. Your smile flashes before me as I close my eyes. Your voice echoes in my eardrums. I remember everything. Your ridiculous snoring, horrible smoking habit, hopeless look in your eyes. It was a tragic love we shared. But what makes it an even greater tragedy, is that I knew we would never last.

I've forgotten how to breathe without you. Every breath is shallow and new. It feels like winter is surrounding me. The cold, the crass, the confusion. With every breath, I exhale your memory. Your touch, your smell, your kiss, your smile.

What a contagious smile.
What I would give to see it overcome your face, one more time.

I've forgotten how to sleep without you. I close my eyes and you are all that I see. It used to be that thinking of you, remembering you, was the only way I would fall asleep. I used to think about the first day I met you. The moment our eyes met for the first time. How as we walked, I tried walking as close to you as I could, without making you feel uncomfortable, because I longed for the moments when your skin would brush across mine. I use to think about how it felt when you would come up behind me and hold me for a minute, every time you thought I was asleep. But now, every time I close my eyes I see you. I see what we had. What we lost. I don't know how to sleep without you.

I have forgotten how to live without you. I did it for 18 years before you, but in the short time we spent together, you have made me forget. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't go anywhere or do anything. I feel so lost, broken, confused, dead.

I have forgotten how to exsist in a world where you do not.

But have no fear, do not worry.
You will never be forgotten.

I deleted your number the other day. It occurred to me after you forgot my birthday that you really had forgotten about me. You've been a complete **** to me for the past six years, I'm just now coming to get the fact that you were no good for me. So, I deleted your number, as if that mere act would delete you from my memory. I don't know what we had, maybe contains no definition. But I felt something when I was with you and I just can't take it anymore.  You've moved on, and so should I. I began, by deleting your number.

He said that he wasn't good enough for me, and I think that's what set me over the top. Because all my life I have never been good enough for anyone: friends, parents, boys, anyone. And finally I had met someone who I thought didn't take me for granted. Someone who I believed loved me. I thought that he honestly believed he wasn't good enough, which in turn made him the perfect fit. But I was wrong. What he was really saying was that I didn't deserve what he was giving me. I didn't deserve being walked all over, the lies, the secrets. I think he was genuinely saying that I deserved better then what he was ever going to offer me. And after five months I still don't know what to do with that.

Thinking about you is exhausting. It’s overwhelming. Wondering how you are, how you've been. Having every little thing bring back a memory of you. A memory that stays in my mind for hours, days even. Thinking about all the things I wanted to tell you; all the times I needed you to be there for me, but you weren’t. Wondering if I had told you those-three simple, yet so very complicated- words, if it would have made a difference. Any at all.
                                                      If you would have stayed.
Sometimes I almost forget you left; then I remember. I make myself remember. Remember the most painful things. I don’t know why I do. It’s like every time the wound is almost healed, I cut it back open with a rusted, double edge sword; but this time
                                                                ­ slower,
                                                                ­                    deeper,
                                                                ­                                longer.
I guess the feeling of pain- of missing you- is better than feeling nothing at all.

Wanna know the worst part about falling in love with him?
I knew from the moment I met him, that I'd be falling alone.
I knew none of it was real, or authentic, or meaningful to him.
I was just another girl to him.
Just another listening ear, kind heart, forgiving spirit.
I was just another spark of joy, that needed to be snuffed out.
It *****, because I knew. I knew it.
I knew I'd fall, and I knew he wouldn't be there to catch me.
I knew and it still didn't stop me.
That's the worst part.
Everyday for weeks, I questioned his motives.
And everyday I got another lie, excuse, story.
I knew and I still let you push me over the edge.
I didn't care.
I wanted to believe you, believe in you, believe that people do change, are different, have a conscience.
But I was wrong to believe.
So I fell alone.

I'm sitting here heartbroken over a man who didn't know me, while I try to forget the only one who ever really did.

Who gave you the right to be so perfect?
I'd love to be mad at you since you're an ***; but, whenever I'm with you..
I forget.
I forget how to feel pain.
I forget how to smile in vain.
I forget about the scars.
How I feel like I'm behind bars.
I forget about all the things you've done.
I only think about how you've won.
Won my heart.
It's crazy, I know.
But whenever you look into my eyes,
They no longer feel the need to cry.
If I could relive those moments over and over, I would.
Then I think about it... and
You're not mine to love.
You're not mine to have.
You're not mine to hold.
But please..
Be the one to help me forget.

Well it's over. It's done.
I have given every piece of myself to you.
You have won.
Everything I have, is yours.
I feel vulnerable. Naked. Exposed.
I have nothing kept for myself.
Nothing left to hold onto.
I've been happy about that decision until now.
Now all I can thing is how badly this will hurt me if you chance your mind.
God, I hope you're not just using me to fufill your momentary desires.
I hope that you don't wake up one morning and decide you've had enough.

Because it'll **** me.

All my cards are in your hands, play responsibly.

You caught me off guard.
You threw me for a loop.
I've been left confused, speachless, and breathless.
You think you love me.
You say you have these "feelings for me".
What does any of that even mean?
I have to believe that it was all stemmed from the intoxication.
A mere drunken moment.
You can't love me.
You don't even know me.
Maybe, you love the idea of me.

****. I wish you wouldn't have said that.
Now I'll just be waiting for you to leave just like everyone else.
I'll go on automatic self-destruct.
I'm like a time bomb.
It's likes personal bet to see how fast I can make you leave.

Why won't I just let myself be happy for once?

I fell in love with they way you looked at me when you thought I wouldn't notice. The way you couldn't help but smile when I told a stupid story or a less than funny joke. The way your hand fit so effortlessly in mine. The passion I felt with every kiss. I fell in love with your eyes because a part of me knew they could see straight into my soul. I fell in love with the way you spoke about us, about a chance for a future. The way you had to convince every ounce in your body that the fear of loving me, of letting me love you, was completely irrational. I fell in love with the way everything was so easy with you. The way that even after months of falling asleep next you, waking up to you, and spending every second I could with you, I never got tired of it. I never wanted anything more than to spend every moment I could with you. Your company was never suffocating. No matter how long I spent with you, you still had the ability to make me nervous. To make me feel something. I fell in love with your love for your family. Your endurance to find hope in the midst of a struggle. Your confidence in me. I fell in love with the way you wanted what was best for me, even though you couldn't see that it was you. I fell madly, deeply, passionately, courageously, effortlessly, so vastly in love with the way you looked at me especially when you thought I wouldn't notice.

I've spent endless days, countless hours, and numerous thought on you since you've been gone. I wouldn't even know where to start. I have been utterly speechless, breathless, emotionless. I don't know how to fix it. You are my remedy. You are the one thing that hurts, yet heals; scorns but encourages, hates although loves. You are a mystery to me. A jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. You make my darkness disappear.

Every time I say I'm done trying..
I always find my self thinking about you again.
So maybe I'm done trying to be over you.
Maybe I'm done trying to forget everything we've been through.
Maybe I'm done trying to fool myself into thinking I could live without you.
Done trying to stop thinking about you
Just in general.
I find myself thinking about you,
Even when I didn't know I was.
You'll just pop into my head,
It makes me go crazy.
Kinda like just now.
I wasn't even trying to think about you.
You weren't even on my mind.
And BAM.
You have to invade my thoughts, my heart, my mind.
It makes me insane.
Mostly because I don't think I ever invade your thoughts, heart or mind.

You make me happy every day,
In your own special way.
I can’t think about you without smiling,
Even if inside I am dying.
And I promise you boy. I ain’t lying.
There’s nothing I’d change about you.
Because you’re perfect the way you are.
There’s nothing I’d rather do.
Then be wherever you are.
If we ever couldn’t talk,
I wouldn’t know what to do.
I think I might just die.
If I couldn’t have you.
If there is one thing I hate that you do.
You are always making me love you.

I'm not sure what I want from you.
But do you remember when we'd tell each other everything?
Nothing was left out, nothing to hide?
I want that again.
I wanna know that you know, that you can trust me.
I'm not going to tell anyone anything.
I'm not going to break your heart.
Somehow I know you'll do the same.
I always feel so comfortable around you.
Like I can be myself around you, and know that you wont judge me.
When we were little, we used to call each other "best friends".
We said we'd stay best friends forever.
We said we'd always tell each other everything.
I've always felt odd calling someone else that.
I still refer to you as it too.
Maybe it's because, despite where life takes us in these next few years, I always wanted, knew, somehow you'd be my best friend again.
Though, maybe, I just need to let go.
Move on.
Because, no matter what I want we aren't kids anymore.
Everything doesn't go as planned in our minds.
I guess, I hope that one day you'll find someone who you trust, who you're comfortable around, and you can love.
Just be yourself.
It'll happen.

I hope my daughter never has to hear the same lies you told me.
But if she does, I hope she's smarter than to believe it.

It burned, but the sting of the ***** burning her throat felt better than the burning realization that she meant nothing to the boy she loved.

Nostalgia kicked in. She wanted to feel wanted. So for the night, she drunkenly cling to the closest person to her. Hoping, praying, longing that for the night she could feel again. Love, lust, hope, faith: anything.

She knew she didn't want to, but she forced herself to anyway.
She knew he was no different, but she let his spineless words spark a hope.
She knew the feeling wouldn't last, but she closed her eyes and relieved the memories it resurfaced.
She knew it wasn't love, but she uttered the words right back to him, regardless.

In his arms, she lay. His voice formed words for hours, but she wasn't quite sure of what he was saying. She laughed when it felt right, but as of then, nothing felt right.

The sun began to peak through the shade, and the girl was unaware of with whom she lay. The memories of his name and his touch, his voice had left with the night.

Quietly she rose quietly out of bed, hoping not to wake him so he couldn't **** anymore with her head.

She stumbled to get dressed and drowsily he spoke "where you going babe" and silently she shuddered.

She uttered words that could be understood and abruptly ran out of the house. She left everything she could trying to escape the confrontation.
Instead she was confronted with her loneliness and deep dark depression.

Why is it that we seem to make our beds in sadness?
We hate the feeling, yet find some sort of comfort in the pain.
It's strange how easy it is to become used to the discomfort.
It's odd that we would simply let it waltz into our lives and take over.

Pain, sadness, detachment.

At least they of all things are consistent.

I have this... This problem. It's something that no one can fix, it won't go away on its own, and I simply don't know what to do about it.

You see, I live behind a wall. Occasionally, I'll peek over and see people on the other side, but never could I ever take down that wall. Often people begin to take turns trying to tear down my wall: my protection. Sometimes, it even begins to work. I let them. My boarder, my protection, my guard comes down for them. And I have to admit, it's amazing... For a while that is.

At the beginning, it's scary and new and adventurous. It seems so exciting because the person appears to care so much that they want to see me. Not see me behind the wall, but simply see me. My quirks and faults all in all. It's enticing. It's encouraging. It's exciting. The mixed surge of emotions that is felt as the wall comes down and I make myself comfortable with them is remarkable. It simply makes me feel.. Wanted. They become my protection, my guard, my life.

But as it's happened so many times before: my new found way of protection.. Leaves. People have shown me that they never truly stick around. No one is in it for the long hall. The people who helped tear down that wall in first place are the very same people who leave scars in a matter of seconds. I don't even know if they realize what they do. Simply put, they disappear.

No questions
No comments
No goodbyes

It's not fair. It's never fair. The sole person whom you put your trust in will stab you in the back. They'll leave without a reason. They'll ignore you as is they never knew you. What has always bothered me, is that they never tell you why they have chosen to leave.

Now, I want the real deal. I desire the companionship, the comfort, the fun, joy, laughter, arguments and intimacy. I long for all of it. It's all I want. But that person whom you placed your trust in,  in order to take down the walls, is the same one who keeps you from this.  

The person who helped you bring the walls down the first time, second, third. They all stop you from believing whole heartedly that people stay. They have me believing that no one is permanent. Everything and everyone in my life is temporary.  And it scares the crap out of me because I don't know what I'd do if I had to deal with one more person walking out on me. But I know that it's inevitable. It will happen.

I just wish I could find someone who would stay.

She thought he completed her. She thought they were made for eachother.  She figured that he meant what he said when he told her she was the one for him. She believed him as the words "I love you" poured out of his mouth. She gave her heart to him with nothing in return. Little did she know that he was incapable of giving her anything back. For he gave his heart away before, and it was never returned. He now steals time, love, life, which no intention of reciprocation. His words were always empty. His soul, always blank. He broke her and wouldn't take the blame. Now she sits in silence watching life pass her by while the one who stole her heart was living an all time high.

You made your point.
I see the picture.
You obviously want nothing to do with me.
Why can't I just leave it be?
I thought it would be a lot easier to accept.
I guess there is just so much I regret.
I regret never telling you how I feel.
I regret always reading into things.
But mostly, I regret falling.
Falling for your words; I should've recognized the sweet sound of lies.
Your hugs, you'd hold me and never let go.
Your kiss, the sweet taste of your lips on mine.
Falling in love with someone who could never truly love me back.
If I can learn to let go of these things, maybe I can let go of you.
The worst part is, I knew it'd end like this from the start.
I thought this would make it easier,
But it's not.

I loved him.

I love him.

But in the end, I guess

All I can think about is you and me,
and how we, used to be “we”.
Sometimes I just go back to the day,
when you made your way,
into my life.
All I could imagine is being your girl,
being your world.
You were everything to me,
and then I woke up one day,
to realize it was just a pipe dream.
You were more into her
than you were ever into me.
I don’t know if I was dreaming it all,
But it feels like one big bad dream.
You are not who you used to be.
Probably because we, aren’t “we”.

i don't know if I have ever in my life wanted to be more wrong. Typically, when it comes to matters of this nature, it's not a matter of IF someone will leave, but WHEN.

Everyone always leaves.

They all promise they won't.
They say that they will stay forever.
They talk about a future. A life.

But it's all talk. They all leave.

As soon as they sense you letting your guard down, becoming attached, believing them... That's when it happens...

That's when they run..

It's inevitable.
It happens time and time again.