Loving you was my biggest mistake.

Love.
What a concept.
To love, and to be loved.
They say Im strong for loving you,
Brave for pushing through,
For staying when things get out of control.
They say I'm selfless for the never ending chances I give out.
But how does loving someone who doesn't see my worth make me strong?
How does unconditional forgiveness make me brave?
How does reliving the same pain over and over again make me special?

I see nothing but a coward.
A woman afraid to be treated right.
Afraid to be alone.
Afraid to give up hope.

I see a fool.
Foolish enough to believe mere words.

Love is an action word.

If you loved me the way I loved you... the way you say you do... it would change you.

The world would know.

If you loved me the way you say you do, we wouldn't be here.

I wouldn't feel alone.

I wouldn't be on the brink of simply ending it all.



Love...

What a beautiful tragedy.

January: It had been three months since I saw you, spoke to you; but the pain was still there, still potent. I began numbing it with ***** and boys and anything I could to distract me from what had taken place. I didn't care about school or getting a job. I just simply wanted to forget.

February: You weren't the first thing on my mind anymore when I woke; though you always crossed it. Something always reminded me of you. A smell, a sound, a feeling. Your voice had faded and name no longer made me sick. But you were still there.

March: I slept with someone else. I finally found it in me to give myself to someone else. I just wanted there to be someone. I didn't want you to have that hold on me anymore. I went against everything I thought and believed and I slept with someone else. I wasn't in love. I wasn't even in like. It was a total stranger. Just someone who could make me feel something again.

April: I thought I was going to break when what was supposed to be our six month anniversary came about. But I didn't. I didn't even think about you. You had messaged me out of the blue, apologizing. Apologizing for everything you put me through, telling me how I didn't deserve it. It made me laugh. I knew you'd come crawling back, but I knew it wasn't genuine. You still only wanted one thing from me. I threw myself into my work.

May: I was so looking forward to graduating. To moving forward. To ridding myself of you. I met someone, someone I thought nothing of at the time. He was just another temporary boy. Little did I know I'd see him again.

June: I graduated. I was free. I felt free. So many people thought I wouldn't do it. You broke me. You broke me so badly. I was still trying to fix myself with ***** and gin. I worked, I drank, I repeated. I went out and tried new things, new people. You tried apologizing again, I laughed.

July: I met him again. He showed up and hung around. I was weary of him. I didn't trust him, because of you. I didn't want it to just repeat. I was so worried he was going to hurt me like you did. I told myself I wasn't going to date him. I wasn't going to fall for him. But the butterflies that filled me every time I saw him, thought different.

August: August was full of adventures, smiles, laughs, tears, love. I saw him everyday. I spent all of my time with him. He had my attention better than anyone else had. I was falling. Oh god was I falling.

September: The adventures continued. We went to the beach, the mountains, the lakes. Everything with him was passionate. Vivid. It's like he breathed life into my lungs. He made me feel alive. I was on top of the world with him. Loving him took courage and strength. He got it all.

October: I told him I was leaving. I was leaving what I called home. Oh I think I broke him. You should have heard the shift in his tone, how his eyes grew dimmer, the sliver of hope he had left faded away. I was leaving, but he never asked me to stay.

November: November saw a month of tears. I was gone. My love, my best friend, my soulmate was so incredibly far. Physically and emotionally. I have never felt so alone. I missed him. I wanted him. Sometimes I even think I needed him. He was everything to me. Oh how badly I wanted to come home to him. I promised him I would. He couldn't wait though, he couldn't wait for me to come back to him... so he distracted himself with her. That made me question everything.

December: Meeting him at the airport after six and a half weeks was riveting. I was a wreck. What if he didn't love me anymore? What if I couldn't look at him? What if his plans for me, us, had changed? What then? Oh, but being in his arms... I've never felt so calm. So at peace. He wiped my tears. Reassured me of my fears. I began to imagine life with him, in even greater detail than before. He paralyzes me in a way you never did. He sees the broken you left behind and holds the pieces together. He looks at the hurt you left in my eye and finds beauty in it. I swear he could see into my soul.

January: I left him again. I had to go back home. I left him. I don't feel right without him. He's my person. My best friend. My go to. Not having him here is like living without oxygen. It's impossible.

You don't get it, do you? I would drop anything, anyone, anytime and anyplace for you. You're my person and it's cliche but I literally feel like part of me is missing because you're not here. You said I was your backbone and you don't know how badly it kills me that I can't be there for you. I can't be the one you come home to after a long day. I told you at the beginning, I'm ride or die. I see us going places. I see us being the best versions of ourselves with each other. I understand mistakes happen, I understand people get hurt, I understand our situation is ****** up. But I loved you. I love you. A piece of me is always going to love you. None of this was a game to me. None of it was a waste of my time. You mean the absolute world to me; and I think that's why this is so ******* hard. I want you. I want things with you. I want you in my life ten years from now. I want you waking up next to me every morning. I just remember California. How for a few days, you were mine and only mine. All of your attention and affection was on me. How perfect everything was. How it was you and me, against the world. I want that. I want that everyday. I want it to be like that everyday for us. I want us to grow together, to make new discoveries and go on new adventures. I want to enjoy my life with you next to me. I want to be your person as much as you are mine. I want to be your go to gal. I want to be everything you've always wanted. I want to be enough for you. I want to be with you in your darkest moments at two in the morning when you don't know what to do, you don't see the purpose in anything and I want to be with you on the brightest of days when you're high off of nothing but life. I want that so badly.  But I'm not going to compete for your attention, affection, loyalty, honesty. I refuse to compete with anyone else for your love. I'm not going to beg you to change your mindset or to finally take action for your own interest, in the interest of us. I want you to want me as much and as purely as I want you. That's why I can't fight for you. I can't beg you. I can't compete for you. Because those are things I would never want to see you do for me. I know what you're capable of giving me. I know how you're capable of treating me which is why it hurts so badly to see you not up to par. You said I was the only one who's been there for you lately, and as badly as I'm hurting right now, that isn't ever going to change. I always told you that I'm yours for as long as you'll have me. And I've been sitting here staring at my phone trying to figure out how to even say goodbye to you. Because it isn't something I want to do or ever saw myself doing. You keep telling me I should do what I want, make decisions based on what I want, but what if what I want doesn't want me? What then? I don't want to say goodbyes because goodbyes are forever I couldn't go that long without you. I don't think I ever thought it would be like this. Loving someone who doesn't know how to love me. At least not in the same way. You may not realize it now, but I promise you you'll think back and remember me. Remember us. And I'll be the one that got away, I promise you that. I wish I could say that I am willing to wait for you to want me as much as I do you. I wish I could say I'd be here when you got your **** settled and remember what it was like to have me. But I can't.. it isn't something my heart would be able to handle. My heart aches without you. There's a literal pain in my chest that won't go away. I'm drained, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I've played it over and over in my head trying to figure what I did wrong. Where I went wrong. Where i could have set myself up for this. Trying to figure out why. But I can't. None of it makes any sense. I don't see how I went from loving you to losing you in a matter of hours. Everyone is telling me I'm crazy for still wanting you. For not wanting to walk away. They all try to convince me none of it was real for you, that it was all a game for you, that you never cared, you never loved me. And honestly, I hear them. I understand why they say that. I understand why they say "if he cared about you even slightly he wouldn't have done this to you". I get it. I do. But they can't convince me. I know you. I know who you really are. I know this wasn't who you truly are. I know you are so much better than that. Maybe one of these days you'll try to convince me it was all fake so I'll walk away. So I'll find "someone better" but I don't want better. I want you. I want you at your best, and I want you at your worst. I want you.


I wish that one day after you have everything settled, with your job with your daughter with her, and you find your heart aching for something you loved and lost... I wish that we could start over on a clean slate. I wish that then you would love me like you always said you did. I wish that that time I wouldn't be taken for granted. I wish that then, it would turn into something real. And I'll hold onto that hope, as foolish as it is. All I can do is hope.


I love you. I love you more than words can express. If nothing else comes from you and I at least I can rest at night knowing that you now know what it's like to be loved. And I mean really loved uncontrollably, unconditionally, passionately. Don't ever forget what that's like. And don't you ever say you don't deserve the kind of love I gave you. Don't you ever say it's too good for you. You deserve the world, and nothing less. Keep your standards high my love.

You know what I am constantly afraid of every time you don't answer your phone or text me back. I'm afraid that just like that, in a blink of an eye everything changed for you. I'm afraid you decided to go back to her, to make it easier. I'm afraid you found someone new and exciting that you vibe with and decided they were better. I'm afraid that just like every time before you, I still wasn't good enough. Do you know what it's like to live in a constant fear like that? To be afraid every time the phone rings or every time you get a message that everything you found comfort in, everything you wanted was just gone? Every single time I get a picture from her, a message from her, it makes me second guess you. It's probably what she wants, but it's working. I should have never gotten this far into it with you. I should have stayed away. I should have listened to the warnings of my family, my friends, and my gut. I should have payed attention to the red flags that continuously showed up. I should have never let myself fall like this for you. Because it's the kind of fear that will give you sleepless nights, the kind that makes you lose your appetite, your drive, your ambition. It's a crippling fear.

I remember there was a time when I knew I would be okay if you did make that sudden decision. It would be a decision you weren't first to make. I remember when the sound of your lies didn't soothe my anxiety. I remember when I could see right through it all. But now, I feel all of this fear at once, because if you were to change your mind within the hours of silence I don't know what I would do. I don't know if I could handle something like that again and the thought of that scares me so badly.

I fell in love with they way you looked at me when you thought I wouldn't notice. The way you couldn't help but smile when I told a stupid story or a less than funny joke. The way your hand fit so effortlessly in mine. The passion I felt with every kiss. I fell in love with your eyes because a part of me knew they could see straight into my soul. I fell in love with the way you spoke about us, about a chance for a future. The way you had to convince every ounce in your body that the fear of loving me, of letting me love you, was completely irrational. I fell in love with the way everything was so easy with you. The way that even after months of falling asleep next you, waking up to you, and spending every second I could with you, I never got tired of it. I never wanted anything more than to spend every moment I could with you. Your company was never suffocating. No matter how long I spent with you, you still had the ability to make me nervous. To make me feel something. I fell in love with your love for your family. Your endurance to find hope in the midst of a struggle. Your confidence in me. I fell in love with the way you wanted what was best for me, even though you couldn't see that it was you. I fell madly, deeply, passionately, courageously, effortlessly, so vastly in love with the way you looked at me especially when you thought I wouldn't notice.

And suddenly, the druggie became the drug.