When the day will be
               When everything is
    Written,
                          And there are no new words
                                         Or ideas...

____________
     And on and on you call me,
Telling me what I've never known.
Teaching,
Bringing fresh air to this stagnant room.

I hid among the cobwebs,
Always wondering what someone would do
If I
      F
        E
          L
            L
               ...

                                                     They might call it love

Maybe I'm looking for another
                          Weakness,
                     ­                                          Maybe I will remain in the
                                            Dark.

But I don't need to tell you...
                                                   *I really shouldn't.

I need you.

I'm breaking down,
Pieces of my world shattering...
I feel like this is the end.

I don't want to alarm you,
It was never your fault,
But I've been lost in a dark place--
I drew butterflies on my wrist,
Because I cannot **** a butterfly.
But he would never believe me...

Were you ever in love with me?
Every action told me you were,
But his words made me believe he wasn't--
I started to think I couldn't be loved.
Should I believe it?
I don't want to tell him any words like this though...
I don't want to alarm him.

When the rain falls,
I will be waiting,
Smiling,
Knowing you will find me...

A shadow of what I once was--
And just as invisible as before.
I live in the dark
And no one knows to what extent
The depths lay--
Who would try to understand
Someone living in the shadows?

My swollen bleeding feet
After being lost
For so long,
Shredded on the harsh words and sharp remarks
Await the day they will find rest.
Even for a bit,
If only for a word.

But a word isn't enough.
Any sincere supplication I see right through.
The motives abusive--
I slowly crumble,
Leaving the ground dusted where I stood.

I take refuge in the dark
Hoping they can't find me,
But waiting for the day I will be found.

I feel like I've been up all night,
But it's not even 3 am.
You promised things would change,
But secrets are too hard to keep from me,
The truth cuts deep:
I know it never will.

Restlessness,
Sleepless tonight...

How can every word
   Whizzing around my head
Be the exact words
    I could never use
To describe
                                                                                                          My existence?

My dear Faithful Husband
I hope you know
My goal is to never take you for granted
I cherish you always
I love your scent and your smile
You make me happy
Your arms keep me warm and safe
Protected when you are near
I love you my darling dearest
With every breath I take and beyond

Dear ~~~
I just want to let you know,
Before I fall apart on you,
Or I fall for you--
I live in a shipwreck of my own design,
Am scared of what I am capable of,
And admire the frightening
Endless
Night sky.
I step cruelly on
My own emotions and those who
Twist my own words and
Use me as a door mat,
While twisting my knife deeper into my heart,
But my tears are invisible
And my screams are silent.
You need to look beyond my smiling,
Look into my eyes.
They only smile when you are here.

As I discover each one,
They burn my soul.
I trusted no one,
Only friends,
But those are the ones I should be weary of.

Yet you are still one of them,
Even as I am betrayed
Even as I pray to God
To understand why
After years and years you only hide
And lie.

I promise I will forgive.


Even though you hurt me...

Give someone a role to play--
They will preform to the best of their abilities...

Except when they leave the play
Because another stage looks more interesting.

Beautiful and
Unbreakable.

Falling in love with a boy
As wild as herself.
He, with a crooked smile that showed his teeth,
His lower lip usually split,
Dark brown hair,
Routinely over grown and hiding his
Chocolate eyes.
Perfect in every way.
She is now
Jumping on the bed in a dress,
A princess crown on her head,
While he is the rugged prince.
Still claiming that he kissed her
On her hand in the hall,
And still convinced that she is worth loving.

But only for a moment.

Is
Falling in love
With your place in the world.

Could I be wonderful?
Amazing?
Beautiful?
I am invisible, except my mistakes.

I hurt.
I am invisible.

I hide behind a mask, masking my mistakes.
I mistakenly mask my mistakes,
Striving for something more,
I mask my invisibility.
But that is my mistake;
I should be invisible.

But people don't know what,
or why,
they do this.
Am I the only one?
The only person?

Others are invisible.
They mask their invisibilities.
They hide their mistakes.
They think they are the only person,
But that makes me the only one,
The one that realizes what
Terrible hurt there is in the world.
Who else knows?
I want to cry.

AM I THE ONLY ONE?

Just give me a word,
Any word will do.
A word of promise,
Or a word of hate.
A word can hold a thousand meanings,
Or be as empty as a heart.

Would you understand me more
If my words were worth more
To you?
Could you love me,
Who dreams of love
And whose only release is
Words of heartbreak?

Tell me a word,
And it will be your promise.
Give me a word,
And I will make a world.

What destroys me
In the dead of night,
Now,
In the middle of the crowd.
Disconnected,
Ignored,
Left.
Just...
Try not to look at me too much.
Fading into the background,
Emotionally
Exhausted.
Talk? No, not for a while.
Who would want to?
To talk to me?
No. I am invisible.

And it's killing me.

I’m the one at the lemonade stand.
“25 cents, 25 Cents, 25 CENTS!”
She calls with her friend,
Years younger (but they’re BFFs).
Running up and down the road,
Never making a single penny.
But that doesn’t matter to
The scrawny one with bleach blonde hair,
Tamed for once in two braids.
Usually it’s long and
She won’t even let you touch it with a brush.
And sunburned again—for the umpteenth time.

You can’t tame this girl.
She talks to animals
And speaks to the wind (her protector and friend).
She’s a princess
Running away from the evil queen and the crows,
The black sky devils, the queen’s spies.
Hiding when they come,
For they will recognize her singsong voice
And bright blue eyes.

She sings,
Dances,
SOARS above the clouds,
She is the sun, she owns the sky.
Making the world her perfect stage,
A rule breaker,
A trouble maker,
Who fancies herself a country girl.
Her sock never match
And her smile is wide.

Beautiful and
Unbreakable.

The girl trails behind Daddy,
Trying to help carry the boxes that are too heavy for her,
And too often getting in the way of the men moving furniture.
But they are nice to her,
And don’t discourage her.
Sister does.
Sister is over there talking to the neighbor girls.
They are all instant friends.
Luckily they all leave her alone—Sister doesn’t.
“Why bother? The men can do it.
Maybe you should be a man too!”
The girls laugh.
She doesn’t.
The girl picks up another box,
Not letting her face fall until they couldn’t see her.
Walks to her room and sits down.

Only then does she let each tear fall.

Before long she is done,
The rest of the pain bottled up somewhere that she can forget about.
Her hands still shaking,
Getting up one more time,
She checks her face in the mirror,
Making sure that her face isn’t too splotchy,
Not wanting to be questioned by anyone.
She walks back to the van, getting another load
To let Sister know that there is no winning today.
Only she will win.

Sister doesn’t notice.

My voice was a silent scream in the wind.

I have forced my words
Too much.
Now they seem to turn against
Me. It can never be
The same again.

I'm the
Sun patch on the grass
In a dark storm.
Here I am:
Rain and sunshine cascading down,
With you
Parting the clouds.

I am in a deep dark hole--
An asylum of my mind.
It's better to be locked in a room
Where no damage can be done,
Where everyone treats me as who they perceive me to be--
A ****** lunatic.
I know this isn't my rightful place,
I know I sound so childish and
Narcissistic
To say these things,
But if there is no escape from your pain,
What a better place to reside?

I scream and scream for hours
In this nightmarish dream,
Without the knowledge of the darkest secrets
Hiding in the mist of all this black.

All the while the prince tries to rescue me.

I guess it's unclear if I
Let myself be trapped or if
You have trapped me in my own
Sick state of existence.

I long for the prince's arms to be around me.

His world changed that Tuesday afternoon.
He ignored the shifting wind,
The roots of something else devoured
The beauty of the original.
Branches of distrust guarded the once clear way,
The path now dingy and dilapidated.
Wonder once misted where
Despair now looks to.
Melancholy instruments strung out of tune
And a haunting melody throughout the room.
Did he not feel the shift?
Or taste the sour air,
Or smell the bitter perfume,
Or even look at the avenue?
Did he hear the coming change?

His shadow casts pure black
On all he sees,
Extinguishing the light
That once was warmth.
He became as cold
As the polar bears,
But didn't have the strength to
Learn how to love.

The dusty speech
Emitted from chalky mouths
Clouds the custard air
With much deceit.
Again told too many lies,
Misting any direction
That once was known.
Force fed another drought,
It is easier to give in:
It devours from the inside out.

Noise:
The constant drip dropping--
Pressure building up from inside
And choking. Lungs fill with it.
A deluge, it could be called.

But there is no more breath to speak the words.

It's getting bad again.

Sing to me
The lost lullaby
Of forgotten dreams--

Maybe I can sleep this night away.

I was left alone in the
Quiet darkness.
Rather than peace,
I could have screamed and cried.
My feelings are too strong.


*At least I can feel.

There were only thorns waiting for me.
Every lie,
I saw everything in
Crystal clear water.
I may be the broken one--
Still,
I know what I am not.
There is no way to mend what
You have broken--
Can you trust me?
But I can't say the same for you.

I lingered too close to the edge
Of an abyss.
I know who pushed me--
And I'm still waiting for the impact
Of the bottom.

I'm in love with pain,
But no longer want to hurt myself.
This desire doesn't vanish--
It grows stronger,
Unbearably strong,
To the point that I pinch myself
To see if I'm still alive in my numb world.
So I run,
Run from my pain--
And to make myself hurt.
--It is better this way.

You don't know me...
In a way.
I thought you knew me once--
You broke me
And since you knew me,
I took it so personally.
I have been broken
And there is no way to show,
No way to tell.
I am suffocating under all of it,
Bottling it up where it will ferment
To drunken me
With pain.
But you don't even care.

Sorry.

I'm a *****,
I'm evil,
And I've only ever led you on.
Wanting,
Begging you to use me.

I shouldn't be so upset that you did.

and that you have broken every single frickin' promise you made me.

She grabbed the coattails of his jacket,
Begging her daddy not to leave.
He shrugged the wool garment off,
And bending to his knees:
"Darling, don't cry,
You keep this for me--
God knows you will need it
More than I will need."
Again he turns to leave,
This time clad in green;
"Daddy, I will keep a promise
If you promise me to:
Stay safe and come home--
I will return this coat to you."
He paused, turned, and smiled,
And kissed her little head,
Later swept away for a call to be answered.
But he never returned again.
He tried so hard to keep his promise
To his little girl,
But now twenty years have gone pass:
She still holds on to the wool coat.
And his jacket keeps her warm,
And his jacket dries her tears,
Just like her daddy wanted to.

Sometimes I wonder
If I saw you again,
Would you recognize me?
Would you look and see the stars in my eyes
And still love me?
Make a wish on me
When you've seen a bolide?
I remember your blonde hair
And your childlike love.
Well,
I guess we were only children,
And then I was gone so far.
How often do you look back and see
My beaming face and
Trusting heart
Slip from view in the back of a car?

Fate has brought the broken
Friendship back together,
But do you look to see who I am,
Or do you see who I was?
I'm no longer little,
But I don't know what to expect.
I guess I'll let fate decide
What happens from here.

My dreams have almost become reality,
Blurring lines between what is now
And what I always wanted.
Falling asleep listening to your
Melodic voice on the phone
While you’re hundreds of miles away.
I love your rhythm, your music,
The tones, and the love I hear.
Sleeping, dreaming that your strong arms
Are around me.
Your heart beat and warm kisses
Are beyond description.
I feel if any human could love me forever,
It would be you.
Last step until living in a dream:
Marrying you.

What do you miss? What do you want to go back for? Aren’t you sad it’s over?
Strangely (or not)
I missed nothing.
I didn’t want to turn back, only
Forward.
But wasn’t that a home you were leaving?
Home for me?
Nah,
I’ve never known a “home”
In a traditional sense.

Home for me is
Chasing rainbows
And dancing in the rain while it shines.
It is people that are real
(Not fake like the ones I come across).
It is sunsets in the afternoon,
And naming the stars at night.
Cocoa stained lips,
Hot apple cider,
Hugs and kisses,
Feeling safe but alive,
That is home to me.

Take a left,
Walk past the willow tree then take your first right,
Left again.

I promise it gets easier the more you walk it.
I’ve been down this path so many times,
Yet I still get lost sometimes
Navigating in the darkness by my own sparks.
Here,
Here’s a candle to help you light your way.
It get’s easier when you have a friend there to help you.

It’s that load,
Isn’t it?
Let me carry it for you,
I can manage for both of us,
I promise we can make it.
This will work, just keep holding on
But don’t hold out on me.
Let me help you carry your burden,
I am strong today.

Up the hill again we go,
Our bleeding feet leaving trails behind us,
To mark our path so we can find our way back,
Or perhaps to let others know where to go next.
It doesn’t matter,
What does is that we keep walking,
Don’t go easy into the night,
Fight for that breath to be yours.
I will fight for you to,
I will.

Silent as the cool night sky,
Yellow in the moonlight,
Time ticks past an hour,
Racing to the memories,
Slipping, sliding, standing still,
Laying on the floor,
Red as blood and soft as silk,
Kept alone, without,
Time ticks,
Slowly moving on.

Do you know what I am?

A siren--
Destined to tip the boat,
Pull you off,
And watch you sink:
Drowning.

I want the attention
And the glory
Of being the unbroken one.

But watching you fall
Makes me shiver beneath my feathers.

Instead I let you swim for the shore.

Simplify, simplify, simplify,
Isn't that what the great poet told us?
To simplify our words, our loves, our meaning, our life.
Why?
Why not learn the superfluous meanings,
The constant contradiction of life?
Why add a little brown line below our words,
When we know exactly what we mean,
Our purposefully added words clarify the meaning.
Why not be the extra exclamation mark in “I can do this!!! I am made of tougher stuff!!!”
When the whole entire world is already against us,
Stop trying to change us.

Do you love

me

             enough

to leave
                                  if I ask?

I smile.
I know I've seen you before.
Before this trouble started.
Before I wept in pain.
Before I saw you day-dreaming.
Long before we met.
I saw you,
I know you!

I remember it like
Clouded crystal,
Clearer in the remembering,
Than in the veiled details hidden anew.
You were there--
So was my prince.
The darker was upset,
Grieved because soon, too soon,
I would be away.
The lighter made a promise--
A promise he could keep.

I know you wouldn't remember,
I know you might forget now,
But you made a promise,
A promise to me,
A promise to him.
You will protect,
Treasure,
Honor.
You will be a light.
You will be my knight.
You will be my friend eternal.

Never.
Don't you dare
Let a girl fall asleep thinking
That she is a monster.

She will rip herself apart from the inside out.
before she will trust you again.

If you ever deserve her trust again.

and
I couldn't bear to lose you. This
Broken
Body of mine still tries to move forward,
Every day,
Days.
Just like you do with your mind.
I want to let you know I'm proud of you,
With everything you accomplished.
My only wish is that you'd forget all using.

Happy,
Pure,
His little kisses are pockets of starlight in the night sky,
Or bubbles of air pointing to where the surface of the ocean is.
He is a sparkling gem,
Worth more than he knows and
Stronger than a diamond.
Long talks and kisses are
A cool gust of wind on a blistering day.

Where will this take me?
I’m terrified to let him in,
Let him see the part of me that I hate.
But I am a waterfall,
Letting my trust fall into his loyal hands,
Dropping my secrets like rain.

Am I worth the pain and cold that I tend to inflict?
He makes me believe that I am.

My mind and stomache
SCREAM
At the things I have told you.
All truth,
No lies.
The only one I haven't lied to.
Even though I still hide
It all
From you.

I wish to hide this from myself.

Back in time to the beginning,
A queen from the future ruled,
Dreams on her heart
Holding on and cutting deep like knives.
She knows never to return back to where she came.
Rule, rule, endowed by God,
Then run away--
She cannot taste of the bittersweet drink yet.
Living hundreds of years
In isolation
Then learn how to be a lady of the court.
She still cannot handle the memories
Of those she left first--
The ones who weren't here.
Again she hides as the world shifts,
She comes again, then goes again,
Waiting for what she lost and is destined to gain
At the beginning of time.