And if by some chance
My eyes were closed this whole time
And if severed the ties that I valued
Over illusions unreal -
No chance to redeem -
I'd have no reason to live
No reason to breathe.

When people tell me
That I'm strong
I'm beautiful
I'm amazing...
I don't feel anything.
Tell me these things
When I cry about the pain
That has lasted me years,
When I'm up at night
Even when I'm lacking sleep,
And
When I'm expected to smile
My whole life when I don't feel your warmth.

This ice palace I reside in,
Is it my lifeline?
Because if it is
Wouldn't it be better if
It melted?

All these moments
Have become entangled
And the momentary lapses
Irregular,
My world all
Grey
And
I just can't do this.

But my calls are stuck
In my throat.
I'm frozen.
I'm not resilient.
It's taking me so long
So long
To stand up.
And my heart is giving up
It's beat
Fading.

There's a reason
To everything I do.
Whether it be
Not smiling at you
Distancing myself from you or
Not liking you...
There's a reason.
I'm not your first priority.
Not even when I'm the
Only person
You need to focus on.
I'm not your first priority
When no one else is around
And
I never will be.
So don't pretend like I am.
Don't lie to my face.
Don't think everyone will like you
Just because you like to show them
Your enthusiasm
As if you're their Sun.
*******.

Be honest with me
Be truthful
And work from there.
I tried to do that with you but...
I'm not your first priority

What am I doing with my life?
Experiencing new things
Branching out with every new avenue
Where am I taking myself?
Goals vaguely planned
Struggling to understand how roots meet soil
Why?

Why... A question that troubled me so
A few years ago
Questioning life and all that comes in tow
These thoughts deeply sown
In my mind
Unearthed and
I understand
My constant sense of
Being out of place
But living anyway

And I'll take on life with every step
Breathe in and out the air surrounding me
Sky above me
Earth below me
And God surrounding me
And I'll keep on living

Floating
Bubbles rising to the surface
Echoing in the silent landscape
The body moving perpetually
Poison spreading through the body
The body tearing apart from its center
Quietly
Lifelessly
Motionlessly

Twice struck by stone.
Thrice in the twice,
Too close in proximity
To call home.
The night is young and
The world is vast,
I will not go to sleep tonight.

Twice struck by stone,
Once from the East and
Twice to the West.
My chest has become overwhelmed by
The swirling blood in my heart,
Tonight I will not fall asleep.

Steps forward turn into steps backwards,
Tonight will be a sleepless night.

Twice struck by stone,
In the last two days.
Many more do I own,
I lay down on alone,
Too many thrown
For me to remember
All through which I've grown.
Accustomed to the stones against my
Skin,
Flesh and
Bones;
Tonight,
I will not fall asleep.

I'm falling again
And I love You but
My choices
No matter how much I refuse them
Keep me in vain
The worth of You
Is incomparable
And yet
I choose
To look away
The pain is there
And yet
I refuse to feel

From the beginning
You meant the most
To me
And You always
Kept me sane
Those moments
I almost gave it up
But then turned around...
I owe it all to You

So please turn me around
Before I lose myself again.

I hear the rain outside my window
Sudden
Like the thoughts of my mind;
Like a dam burst, they flow
Continuously fluctuating
They only pile and grow
The thoughts that continually seeded
Weave and grow
Too many stimuli
I am overwhelmed
Too much
For me to even think that I know
To even think that I know anything
As dams burst left and right
The chaos caused is too thorough...
The chaos has spread too wide
And as the dam is about to burst
I open my eyes
And my soul is broken in half
In the dull echo
Of the chaos of the rain
Outside

It's easy for oppressed groups to oppress
All they could learn from their oppressors
Victims slowly disappearing
In the wake of weaponised victimisation
And in its beauty deep crevices
Hiding cracks that leak the blood that
Allows for its power
These cracks filled with
Those caught in the hold
Of the weapon wielders
And the cracks were never smoothed,
Never shaped to be merciful
Just accepting enough that
The crevices are filled to hold onto power
And there is no power without
All that holds the oppressed in place of power
And hidden away are those who suffer their wrath
Wanting freedom
Yet not wanting the freedom at hand
For one freedom hurts to their death
And another takes their last breath unreached

We are the children of tradition
In an untraditional society
We are the children of progression
In an unprogressing society
We are the children of peace
In an unpeaceful society
Meshing together these inconsistencies
As human nature
And as differences irreconcilable
Like ripping stitches out of a deep wound
And those hurt from the stitches ripped not considered
Just the remaining wound sitting in the middle of two parts of skin
And we keep it that way
Say the wound can be covered with a band aid
Unhealing
Coveted
Yet a chosen problem to remain
Both skin one and the same
Wound hurting
Deep and unhealthy
Yet both sides claim they are healing from
The deep hurt at bay
Unseeing of the weeping sway
That stops and dries, for birthing in these conditions can only exhaust and fray
Ply out the mercy sowed into each and every cell
Yet we are still
All skin and clay
From one and the same

If only these wounds never came to be

I only want wings when the winds are strong
I only feel cold when the turmoil in my mind and heart are overwhelming
I only lay in the non-newtonian black substance so that I don't have to
Deal with everything
I'm sick of these beliefs that remain rooted in my mind
So deeply rooted they've upheaved whatever parts that used to rest in my heart,
Wasted away any comfort my heart had left in it

And maybe I'd want wings to see the skies
And feel the cold because I genuinely miss it's sensation
And lay in non-newtonian substances to explore the feeling of it
But I question where the drive of my curiousity left to;
If it had escaped before it was forcibly ripped from my heart or
If it decayed and it's rot continues to fester in my heart

These feelings of mine I want to respect...
How do you respect the body you only know how to leave

Like the sugar I lick off the tips of my fingers
Like the moment before falling asleep
Like the loss of thirst after drinking water
Like the instant of realisation when I comprehend the truth...

All momentary
All relieving
Like an extended release of rhythmic legato notes...

I rushed to write a letter
Emotions rising inside of me
I remembered your words
The way they lifted me and saw me
And so I rushed
Pen to paper
Rolled it up
So that my words are no longer seen
Tied and bottled
I gather my strength and throw it into the sea

You were always way out of reach.
But now this sea that sits between us seems endless
The sea sweeping and returning
My words back to me with the tide
I return to read over my words once again
Foam rushing around my legs as I sit
Reading over my letter once again
Unheard unread
Can't help but rewrite a copy for myself
Because even if you never see my words
I'll know what I wrote for you
Know what these feelings are

What are the twists
And turns of a string?
How many threads are
Hidden within?
What parts do we see
And what parts do we not?
Is this string the same one
Or have we picked up
Another?

How can we depend on
Our eyes and mind that
Alter images to the very
Moment they are seen...

Many times do I deny
The reasons why
I feel the pain that I do,
Vying to forget
And cause myself
To suffer ever longer.

But I can only try to
Run away
As I know that these feelings
Will only fray
As they are left
Unobservable by you.

How do I know?
I don't.
But you never saw these feelings
Even though you knew.

And if I were to wait for
Your gaze to fall upon
My stranded feelings
It would be too late.

So that's why I ran away,
Even if my heart is forever stranded,
It'd be easier to forget your smile,
Your voice,
And your soul
And avoid wasting away the
Little strength I have left.

And because the pain wouldn't cease
And no words seemed to heal
I ceased to look for the ease
That, if found, would release me.

Because I was already blessed.
However I will still lock parts of me,
Away from the need to be confessed
Til the day I deem they are safe to be unlocked...

Will that day ever come?
...
Only time will tell.

It all makes sense
Sense that I knew but
Never really delved into
My staying up at night
My hollow heart
And my lonesome
It all makes sense
Almost as if to rub it in my face
And maybe its too much
The way it all fits together
The way it makes me me
The way I know I don't want it but I can't find it in me to care
And I'm sat latching onto the little warmth I feel in this cold
It was supposed to be warm, but what is supposed to be?
And it hurts that the more realisations I have, the more I realise that maybe
There are things in the world that
I can never have
I would want want want, but I wouldn't find it within me
What am I supposed to be
To do





I'm trying but what point is there in trying if the end result is the same

And like a drop of blood...
sliding down your finger.
A pin ***** that formed
Red stains that linger,
Dangling,
Slowly gathering,
Growing bigger,

Dropping...

And like a drop of blood,
You formed a part of me.
And like a drop of blood
You swam in memory's sea.
You shook the waters and vibrated
The roots of my heart's aging tree.
As you coursed through my veins
Losing your voice as you whisper your dying plea...

And like a drop of blood
sliding down my finger...
I slowly forget what you meant to me.
And like a drop of blood,
sliding down my finger...
You cause my heart to thud,
As you longingly cling
Before you reach the tip.

A pin ***** that formed,
left one aching for less and more...
A pin ***** that formed
its pain slowly tinkers,
Disappearing as the pain is slowly covered.

Red stains that linger,
Slowly gathering,
Growing bigger,
Til all its remnants removed,

Meet...
Forgotten,
Dropping...
And fall as one together.

The water rushes is in
Slammi--

The water laps gently
On the side of a metal container
In the darknes--

Slamming
Flooding
Almost choking
Encompassin--

The water recedes
The white froth forming momentarily
Bubbles dancing
Back and forth--

Back and forth...
Back and forth
Deafening
Silently
Ripping
Tearin--

It sloshes
Using its smooth shrivelled hands
To wave away the heat
Wiping off the droplets--

The container vibrates violently
The echoing sounds of the
Tumultuous noise ricocheting
Inside the metal walls
Of the empty
Contai--

Planets in their orbit
Each with their own moons
The pull of gravity
Guiding us
But we are in different
Galaxies
No force acting between
Me and you

And I've seen plenty of moons
Stars and galaxies
Pass me by
Pull on my path
And then leave me
And whether they leave
Space junk, darkness or
Pull me out of my orbit
It all leads to the same thing
Me losing something that was
Once familiar.

And yet to orbit,
Two bodies must have mass
And each time, I fell into their pace
Willingly.
A force requires two and yet
I...

I don't want to go back to
The familiar which left me
Not for what I have lost but
Rather what I could not find

I do still wonder whether
My weight is not enough
While I try to calculate
What forces work for
Me
And yet I also wonder
If there is a force
That will
Not crash, share light and
Balance the space-time dimensions
That surround me

My heart beats against
The walls of my chest
My throat reaching upwards
My brainwaves spiking
My eyes focused on the
Aging golden ****
Locked or unlocked,
There was no difference
It existed
And that made all the difference
Mocked from behind
Closed doors
Questioned from inside
Opened walls and
Sitting submerged in
The darkness
Made from broken
Doors, walls and the
Soul of my being.

I don't ask you to
Do anything
Or say anything
Or hear anything
Just... let me be.
Let me see the value in
My doors and walls and
The soul of my being
Let me fortify them
Let me open, close and replace it.
Just let me
Please.
Over-dramatic, unknowing or weak;
Just let me be.

You stand so brightly
In a world ever expansive
Holding yourself high with
What little strength
That tiny vessel holds

For you my flower
I would
Cut away the shadows
For you my radiance
I would
Surround you with light
For you my flower
I would
Make sure you are well nourished,
Content.
But for the fear that
I am building a prison around you,
I freeze.

So I let you feel
Winds of ice and,
Darkness prolonged and,
Undernourished soil
But...
But I make sure that,
Whatever you experience in this world...
Isn't​ anything more than you can handle.

My love, is like that of
A plant and an oxygen molecule;
It enters my heart and
Nourishes my soul
So that
When it takes its leave
And I see it again,
In its changed form,
Its value is lost to me.

My love is like that of
Alcohol on a wound
Its intoxicating nature pains me
And yet cleanses me
So that when the pain disappears
And the alcohol evaporates
The wound feels prolonged pain
Til it heals,
Even then leaving a scar.

My love... is like that of
A fading memory
With passing time
And lack of remembrance,
When brought forth again,
It becomes a wistful memory.

My love is
Ever so fleeting,
Always misleading,
Waning,
Carefully reeling;
Withdrawing in confusion
Shutting doors,
It ignores
The warmth that surrounds it
For the fear of
Hurting again.

In its fear,
My heart begins to tear
My body loses its warmth
My words lose their strength
My mind loses it conviction
My soul...
Suffers, oppressed in its
Painted prison.

On the back of my hand
My arm
Knee
I leave a kiss
Lingering
Free
Warmth spreading
Goosebumps rising
Mind settling
Floating
Grounding

My love
What more can I give you
What more can I show you
At the limit of my being
My love
What more can I fault you
What more can I demean you
Knowing the fault of my character
But struggling to fix it
My love
Love you so that
You love me
My love

Running my fingers
Along the frozen walls,
A feeling that lingers;
To a house, its doors.
I stare out at the melting
Burning Sun
A fire too intense;
At its distance,
On my skin, a warmth almost a hum.

The Sun is too close, too close

Foreign is the feeling of the hum,
Dancing on my skin,
Never delving deeper some.
My mind can only wonder,
Sunlust echoing in my gaze as I
Cross my legs and enjoy
The cold while basking in the Sun.
Neither overly warm
Nor am I frozen to the touch;
I have faded into the cold
And currently, I have no plan
Nor rush.

A cube exists around me.
A cube of darkness closing in,
A cube of walls unknown;
Walls that are endless and confining.
A cube isolated and alone.

A cube of turbulent motionlessness,
Intertwining in my veins,
A cube of perpetual poisoning,
A cube of living death.

Light does not enter it,
Nor does it escape.
Rather, it is ****** in,
And implodes at sanity's end.

I'm being engulfed
In the clutches of darkness
It's slow-motioned embrace
Calculated and unforgiving
Unrelenting
It's greedy hold
Swallowing me
It's fingers sliding
Over my arms
My legs
Holding delicately
Yet firmly
Sliding over my neck
Caressing my chin
And lapping at my ears
Tainting my field of vision...

Anyone else just scroll through their old poetry
and think to themselves "wow, I wrote this?"

How is it, that in this world
We were bold enough
To transform sweet nothings
Into nothing sweet...

We are creatures
That live in this moment,
The clearest image,
Is in front of our eyes.
Not before
And surely not ahead of us
But now.

We are creatures
That live for this moment,
Our lives unliveable if
Our goal is out of hand,
Out of reach,
Out of our sight,
It's warmth, lost in the distance.

We are creatures
That live to this moment.
No life is in the future except now.
No life is in the past except now.
No life is in any point of the timescale,
Except now.

What we wish for,
What we reach for,
We should reach for in the moment
Now.

Basically, that's what I've become,
Numb
Emotionally numb,
Making it harder for me to succumb,
To feelings that plagued me in the past.

Yet when I say numb,
I mean sedation through pain
Confusing?
Not at all...
Especially not confusing for the numb

Suffocated.
The first.
Dry ice.
The second.
Drifting aimlessly.
The last.

These feelings inside me,
They numb me further.
Numb me into a permanent pain.
As I try to turn around
The last
I fall deeper into the numbness of emptiness.

What is truly satisfying?
What is satiable for one's soul?
Is there truly such a thing?
That can embrace one's soul and leave it asking for nothing more?

Is it because I'm too sensitive?
Or are my expectations too high?

My heart beats to your silence
Surrounded by the you of yesterday
Lurching for your company
Reaching out to no avail

The me of yesterday is no more
And the you of now is unknown
To me who sees only shrouds
Hanging between us

Let it be known that my feelings for you remain
Deep felt and innocent
And yet they suffer all the same
But the rope was let go
And the curtain laid
Our goodbyes said
Closure in vain
For my heart still beats
Beats to your name
Old friend
The barrier of our goodbye remains
That I would not change
And yet I yearn all the same

This can't go on.
The confusion,
The anxiety,
The difference...
To my usual distance.

I've never felt warmth in my heart
Nor the fluttering of my stomach
Or my heart racing
Due to any person
And so...
These feelings that I have...
When my heart beats
And when my stomach flutters
Without that warmth that I expected
To feel...
I become more confused
And more agitated
Is this what I'm supposed to feel?
Or will the warmth develop
As our hearts unseal?

The confusion is killing me
As I step into the forbidden
And what lays beyond,
Will either become
Bare
Or forever hidden.

Rays of warmth stroke my heart
My eyes, glazed, deliquesce
Resolve calmly enters my mind
My soul forced to start again

A ray of light passes by,
Enters a diamond's murky lair,
Reflecting multitudinous times,
Parting with rays to spare
Its continuity

Rays are lost everywhere
Refracted, diffracted, gone
Unable to recombine again
Forming a radiating unit of one.
Not needing to recombine,
As they move to consign
Rejecting inability
And escaping black holes...

Pain
A shackle of inhibition
Thorns of indecision
The indecision of the conflict in one's mind.

Pain
A sword of intemperate ice
Slicing left and right
Asking for naught yet aiming
To be a solace after 101 strokes

Pain
A mere matter of perspective
A sheer term of conditions
A tear to join a million
A comfort or a torture?

Pained words
Heard at night,
Words rewind
Replay
Repeat, overlay
Become twisted
In the middle of the night.

Pained words
Twisted in the morning
Heard, back turned,
Nothing but empty tears

Pained words
Unshared
Interested and
Harmless.

I hate that
In the departure of
My sorrow
My last words are
Thank you
That my end
Is in sorrow
And that sorrow
Is what brings my thank you
Why?
Why can't it be happiness
Why can't I smile while
Saying thank you
Without the tears of pain
Why can't I remove the layers
That have been painted over me
Layer over layer
Settling and drying
Sitting
Layering again
Obstructing my inner depths
My empty open untainted
Curiosity
Appreciation
...

Sometimes paint brushes feel like
They belong in my hand,
Paint ready to be laid
A story ready to be lain
Strewn across canvas
Air
Skin
The night sky that shine down on me
And the world that continues around me
A me conflicted between this world and a world that doesn't exist
And so my mind supplies
And it sees the paint on bristles
Holding words that'll echo a world that cannot exist outside my mind.

The wind sweeps away all
Sweeps away sadness
Sweeps away pain
Leaves traces remnant in its wake
Cools over surfaces and skin
Cleanses

Where what once simply was
Becomes unreachable unless by
Force
Come here, my love
The wind has left its trail
A trail I cannot fathom
And so I let the wind cleanse
Cleanse
Soak through the layers of my heart
And leave a trail of remembrance
And nostalgia...

Bitter is the trail no more,
Just what once was
And what can no longer be

Flirting on the topic of community
One finds themselves at a loss
Both in knowledge and in influence
We lack control

To define morality
To define discipline
To define nature and what is natural
As much as it is a social construct
It is just as much a personal construct.
In being so, as much as we lack within ourselves
and as much as we lack in being a community
Humanity loses adherence
And yet strengthens its adherence all the same

As much as one may believe we advance as a society
We lose ourselves
Societies cycle on, only words change their meanings.

Like a drop of water
Rolling off a petal,
I'll treat you like a flower
Resisting the rain that never settles

I'm in my peaceful place
In the comfort of my me
Breathing the air that
God gave me

How am I to help
When suddenly
Slice
Your words cut so effortlessly

And I was lost
By your continual sway
The way you continue
To barrage on me

Loud and echoing
I can't seem to shut you out
You're supposed to nourish me
But yet the only time I feel you
Is when you push me towards death



It continues to rain on
And so I close my eyes to breathe
I'll let your words roll off me
As I listen to my own heart beat

When do petals lose their gentle sway?
When do they detach
And begin to float away?
What sort of pressures
Cause it's smoothness to fray?
Dryed and roughened,
Weakened and flayed.

When do petals begin to fall?
Into a world of dirt and decay...
Soon after, when is it,
That they crumble and break?
Laying on a horizon strewn,
With vague silhouettes and
Unfamiliarity.

And if after, the petal gathers itself,
When is it, that it is raised into the sky,
Into a familiar unfamiliar atmosphere?
When is it that the petal loses itself,
And in its emptiness,
Tears at its own soul profusely?
Elevated high
Into the expansive, empty sky
Away and away
From any natural warmth
And cleaved apart from any stability.

Because...
The petal,
When it lays back against the wind,
The image of freedom it always imagined,
Was actually
A prison.

I'm afraid.
That the feelings I hold
Will fall from my grasp.
I'm afraid.
Of saying those words
That if spoken,
Would vanish into thin air,
I'm afraid...
That the feelings I express,
Are feelings based on lies
That have been painted by myself...

These fears I have
I know are wistful,
Desiring and yet
Holding feelings fickle,
Wanting truth... and yet,
Comforting myself with lies tristful.

There are feelings I am afraid to voice.
If voiced, just like before,
They would lose their meaning.
That if spoken, they would just become
The past.

These feelings that I hold,
Are they lies?
Or has everything become a regret?
That if spoken,
If fulfilled,
Parting with it comes with ease

Crack*
The mirror broke.
And such a thing, although inevitable,
Tainted my vision,
And stole my hope.
I lost my smile,
When, what I had was lost.
Irreparable,
Irreplaceable,
Overwhelmingly...
Untraceable.
­
Over time the pain faded
And was replaced anew,
Increasingly constant,
Blindening,
Suffocating.

Crack
Another's mirror broke
And the innocent pain, revived,
Gifted my mind,
With the cracked
Memory of my mirror.

Limit my interactions
Think before I speak
What purpose comes in order
Will the words that escape my mouth
Hurt me more
Or will they take me to a more peaceful place
I know the dance
I know the steps
My body feels them ingrained
And so maybe this time
I'll take a moment to think
Pause
Before my body moves along
With the tune being played
Pause
Before I step on broken glass
Because I forsook shoes
In a room that I took as familiar
Pause
Pause
Why does this keep happening

I try to see the light but the darkness pulls me deeper and deeper. I know there's an end but it isn't coming and I reach for the rope as it becomes more distant but I'm not strong enough. As I am pulled away the light begins to diminish and I can only lose hope.

I try and I try as if I vie but it's as if it's all a lie. And I cry as I die from the pain and disdain, caused by all of that which surrounds me, and the way in which I chose to see...
You see the pain never stops and it just keeps coming as I lie helpless as the bullets keep coming and numbing, numbing my body...
My body... I begin to question if I can really see the light as it all seems like a lie and life only wishes to see me lie, lie lifeless on a cold solid ground and cry, cry for my mind which is now dead... and all I can do is lie motionless as I am pulled deeper into the murky depths away from the light that I seem to see

No conversations to be overheard
The irregular ticking of the character keys on a laptop
Carrying through the carriage
The sound of metal water bottles opening
The warmth... In this usually cool atmosphere
Is almost all encompassing

Whispers...

Whispers of danger
Creeping closer
Slowly...
Chaotically...
And one by one
A sneeze
A request to be excused
The escaping vibrating pitches from earphones
The instinct to protect oneself
Almost overwhelming
Instead
Conversations dim
And thoughts halter
The body preparing itself...
Or maybe it's just me

The world shifts and
Suddenly you're by yourself
Melancholy twirling in your heart
Like an on and off lover
The way it seeps in and
Claims your day
What can you do but feel
And let feel
As if you're in a shelterless rain without an umbrella
Planning will only bring you so far
Rather
Claim the sadness
Before it claims you