My best friend died
My boyfriend said he hates me
And I've been thinking lately
That it's not all in my head
I broke my mirror last week
I can't stand my own reflection
It was just some raw emotion
I can't wait for my damnation
Because girls like me
We don't get salvation
I sleep with my rosary
But God still isn't listening
I could tell my mom I’m sorry
But I doubt she would forgive me
And really I can't blame her
Because sinners come from sinners
I can't wait to die
Or maybe I'm just twenty-five.

“God, can you hear me?”
Such a childish plea.
“But God I’m your child, what did you expect to see”
Born unto demons, a demon you’ll be.

Daddy please! Stay with me!
Don't fight in that war; we're already free!
They don't want you there, but I need you here.

Father, how many years has it been? Twenty?
Was losing the war worth losing me?
You didn't stay there, but you never came here.

Hail Mary, full of grace
Wipe the tears from this ***** face
A sick hallucination, born of desperation
Begging for comfort from an unloving mother
Eager to please, a living disease
Holy Mary, ask God to have mercy on me.

I cried for you today
It was storming and my tomatoes are growing
I talked about you today
Because speaking your name feels like prayer
I made the dinner you like, and used our secret bath herbs
I still have your hair towel
I miss you
So I cried for you today

She came in the room and gave me food;
And in that moment she was you.
Not sure if it was the liquor or the mood,
but I stepped outside to smoke with you.
As my puffs of breath left me,
I'm sure the whispered prayer carried through.
She's just a girl at a party.
But, **** it all, I wish she was you.

The pen was in your hand!
You carved your way through the pages,
dancing through the exposition.
You reveled in the confrontation—
unaware of the impending ******,
unafraid, you read along.
But you’d have never guessed the resolution.
So tell me, oh author of fate:
as you bury your friends,
is your curiosity satiated?

My name is weird but so is your hair
Best friends forever
Carved in a classroom chair
Treehouse sleepovers
What girlhood should be
But I never showed you
So you never did see
Why the distance  came
Before university
I pray for your joy
I wish for your peace
Best friends forever
Never ended for me.

I have lived in your house of glass
The crystalline structure
Shattered
I gathered the remnants
My hands torn
My heart like the walls around me

The mud welcomed my wounds
The moss engulfed me
Embraced me
I collected what it gave
And built my walls anew

A yearning hand stretches upward,
seeking the untouchable,
longing for the spacious bed—ever white, ever blue.
Looming, seeming in reach,
and yet, from this new hill, seeming farther,
more distant.
Am I truly so far removed from you?
Will a ladder bring me closer?
Should I climb to the roof?
It may cause a panic in the street
as I leap into the ever-blue, ever-white embrace.
I find my peace in places much too high,
but I am no winged creature.
Yet every time I've fallen,
it convinced me I can fly.

Stardust swirls through the blackness
The faintest glow
Becoming an indomitable brilliance
The Moon’s rebel, the Sun’s insurgent
The one guarded by angels with shaking hands
Their exasperation echoes
Through my mothers lips
A hollow sigh
Felt deeply in the bones
Etched in the marrow, carved in the skin
Born of the stars
Born into sin

Mother,
You once loved my father’s face
You held it close to yours.
You brushed his cheeks with your lips
You embraced him with your entire heart
And now,
You despise my cheeks
Because they are his
You hate my smile
Because my teeth are the same shape as his
Did you ever hold me so close?
Mother,
Forgive me,
For what I couldn't control.
And Father,
You once protected my mother
You kept her close to you
You spent sunny days and rainy nights
By her side
But now, I can't recall your voice
Are my eyes really like yours?
Do I remind you of Mother?
Father,
Forgive me
For making you leave

The stains won't go away
Scour your palms til they bleed
The bone shows through
As you dream to be born anew

Can one be hopeful without being a liar?
That line is as thin as the silk of a spider
Hope left glistening, like a drop of morning dew
Praying that the thread won't break too soon
Would a fly in the web find sunrise beautiful, too?

I feel sorry
For whatever you became each night
As your face grew lazy
And your words became hazy
I want to cry
For who had to wake up
In a bed that was made by somebody else
As the fight exhausted us both
Your body distorted
A trembling voice asking questions
To hear rehearsed answers again

She’s carried me for far too long. My weight lingers on her shoulders; my barbs leave welts on her back. I lower my head behind hers to give her a moment with her reflection. I keep her awake some nights; her silent tears are a private performance. I’d have moved on long ago, but she can’t let me go. She keeps me close, next to her fear of the unknown. We create shadows on her walls each night when we dance. She’s sewn me into her skin; she can’t wash me away.
But one day, her threads will break.
From her, I’ll separate, and she will be free. And I will move on to the next, hoping I never see her again.

I learned how to be the cool girl
Because I wasn’t cut out to be a school girl.
Meditated on being the chill girl,
Because nobody likes the high-strung girl.
Tried out being the party girl.
I can’t swim, so I never was a beach girl.
Always making friends, so I’m not the hard-to-reach girl.
I like being the artsy girl,
The make anything she sees girl,
The changes her mind about who she wants to be girl.
I don’t think I’m a 9-to-5 girl,
But I think I’m an eating berries in the forest girl,
A singing music in the park girl.
Saw darkness but overcame it, girl.
An obstacles never stopped me, girl.
Enforces her will on the world girl.
A love you for your whole life girl,
A couldn’t hate you if I tried girl.
I learned to be the cool girl
By just being my own girl.

Hallowed bones cracked in the fireplace,
Predicting the sorrow of this hollow home.
The frayed ends of the ancient windchime,
With one bell still glistening on the rotted porch.
The kitchen smells of anger and clove oil;
The cast iron *** has boiled itself dry,
While the kettle screams on the stove.
Hands cracked and bruised,
Pulling back the tattered bed covers,
Dusting off yesterday's woes to make room for today.
Make snow angels out of the drywall from the ceiling.
Pipes rattle in the walls,
Announcing your midnight thirst.
Awake before dawn to get a bath first—
The only surety is the warmth of the water.
Dressed in the clothing of those much older,
Threadbare, feeling the cold before opening the door.
Worn boots crunching in the fresh snow;
Just a glance back,
Looking at home.

Did I ask to be put on trial,
before my eyes held their first tears,
as my soul swirled in the depths of nothingness—
a mixture of stardust and ash?

Had I begged for a challenge?
Was I cocky and bold?
Or was it all a punishment,
paying for crimes of old—
a past time, another life?

Did I demand to do it twice?

In the beginning, I felt so undeserving.
Is that why now I find peace so unnerving?

I sit on the bench, bathed in the sun,
Listening to water, watching him run.
Tiny feet dance where mine used to play,
And I think of your gifts—
Candy at the end of the day.

Now I’m the one pushing gently,
Afraid of the swing’s height,
But his giggles assure me—
He trusts that with me, it’s all right.

I wonder what filled your heart as you watched me grow,
I can guess the answers, but I’ll never know.
They tell me I’m the best—but I knew the best.
No praise can soften the ache in my chest.

I try, I love, I give all I can,
But your shoes were never meant for another to stand.

In a bed splashed by mermaids,
listening to the angels sing,
pulling on every heartstring.
Watching for fairies
and leaving gifts by the tree:
"If I tell them my name, maybe I'll be free."
Awake and unmoving,
gentle eyes greet a panicked mind,
soothed by the touch of the coldest hand.
The dead listen to the sorrow of the ******.
"Imaginative child, you'll grow out of it soon,"
I repeat in a mocking tone
and laugh with the moon.

I wanted you to brush my hair
So we could talk and giggle
To sit at your feet
And be told how to be
A desire to lay my head on your knee
As cigarettes fill the air
The chores are left unfinished
And I am just another boring task.
So today my hair was brushed by me

Hold me like a saxophone
In a jazz bar from long ago.

Breathe into me your soul.
Give me every reason to hum your tune.

A delicate touch
From one such as you
Could create music for generations.
So come, let me sing for you.

The Man's bringing me down, man.
Can't afford to eat,
I got no place to sleep.
The parking lot's noisy
but, I get a few winks.
My phone alarm goes off
for shift number one.
I promise scrubbing toilets
is so much fun.
My appetite's gone.
So, I choke down a meal.
It was under five dollars.
That's the only appeal.
The sun relaxes, fading away.
Shift number two lasts
into the next day.
The factory is hot,
the pay is okay.
Saving and scraping
just to get away.
The countdown began,
so I know the 'when'.
I know the 'where to' and 'why'.
So, I'm suffering in silence
and biding my time.
Dreaming of palm trees,
of sunshine, a better life.
The snow seems more pretty
when you know you're leaving it behind.

They say it's dangerous when a woman’s tears stop
When her heart grows cold
When even on her own, she doesn’t feel alone
When she stops waiting for your reply
And doesn't look to you to bide her time
You thought the battle was over the first time you held her
It’ll take much more for this war to be over

A chilling ceasefire
As the home becomes a house once more

“Mama tried,” Mama lied.
Mama stole your car and sold it for a price
Married five times, Mama never could decide.
Always called me ugly, but I have Mama’s eyes.
Betrayed by fate, Mama hates that she’s alive.
Stay up late at night just to hear Mama cry.
It’s hard to feel pity when Mama casts you to the side.
There was never any love in the house where Mama resides.
But sure, Mama tried. Mama Tried.

If you’d held me more,
Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up
Watching an overdose on the kitchen floor.
If your voice had been just a little softer,
Then maybe older men
Wouldn’t be what I sought after.
If your hands had been less cruel,
Maybe I wouldn’t have to work so hard
To avoid ending up like you.

The cornfields whirred by, as your voice droned, monotone in my ears. This fifteen minute drive was the longest of my life; every Wednesday, always twice. To the Church of the Immaculate Conception, where sinful women would teach me about my own impurities– before handing me off to the demon who dropped me off. She would ask me what I learned. I could never muster the enthusiasm to prevent the lecture. Now, she's angry at her ex-husband, shrieking at me because I clench my jaw the same way he does.
The ritual ends as we pull into the driveway. The house and the church smell the same to me. Incense smoke coils near the high ceilings. My bottom bunk greets me as the pillow begins soaking in tears of defeat.
“God, I've prayed in your house. I've prayed in my own. I keep calling out. You keep leaving me alone.”

A mother’s hurtful words
Remembered better than any prayer
Learn quickly
For your fate is in her hands
What a way to find
Your little soul is ******

A reason to smile each day
Is all anyone can ask for
This world can be cruel
But then there's you.
Each morning as my eyes open
Your skin whispers a prayer
Blessing me with the sight
Of the worlds greatest triumph
And if my eyes never opened again
I’d eternally dream of you, knowing,
To find love in this world
Is a reason to smile each day

Berry stained lips
Brushed with calloused fingertips
The sun turns you golden
Like it did that first day
As your kiss takes my stains away

The end of an era
A life ill-lived
A story well told
The role to be passed
To the next lowest class
Just as the legends foretold

Grief lingers like a friend in the doorway, unable to say goodnight. So now I’m in a diner at 2 a.m., the coffee is getting cold
For the sake of conversations I had long ago.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen the same cloud twice.
They scatter in their own way,
spreading across the sky, and crashing into each other.
Without a sound they collide and combine.
They darken and release what they don't need.
A quiet blessing to some farmer in the midwest.

I was waiting for a peach to ripen on the tree.
Three days later it was suddenly out of reach;
As if it wanted to get closer to the sun.
So just a little more, its branches tilted up.
I could draw that tree each day,
And no two sketches would look the same.

I sit at my table, on the side of the street,
watching beautiful people mill about before me.
Some fought the current to buy my wares,
with a smile they disappear into the flow again.
I set up in the same spot each week,
each time with new faces to greet.

The pain my heart has felt is a blessing.
Each time I cry for what used to be
is just proof that love comes easily
As grief washes over,
I’m grateful for the way
This song sounds different, but the lyrics the same
Imagine a love
That can change your perspective
It’s selfish to think
You’re worthy to keep something so great.

Tobacco smoke
Old leather and wood
Cannabis leaves and fir trees
Forest dirt and communion wine
Wearing the perfume
Of this past of mine

I was the blossom on the vine, warmed by the sun. Awaiting my fruiting.
I was the grapes smashed beneath your feet. Left alone in the dark, waiting.
While time ate away at me, while forgotten, I became desired.
I am the wine in your cup.
Dark and drying, your senses dulling.
Creating a world unknown to you.
Drink slowly, can you truly handle the poison you created?

Velvet violence,
Sanguine silence.

Dripping in animosity,
Perfumed and elegant.
Divulging in toxicity,
Searching for your sycophant.

Worshiped and adored,
Never doing wrong—
But oh, the suffering caused when you're bored,
Oh, son of the siren's song.

Screaming,
Calling out to your ******* of a father
While staring out, far across the harbor,
Forgetting the name
Of the ship that carried him away.

The chill of the water below
Can't match the cold of a father unknown.

I could thank you for raising me,
For making me who I was meant to be,
But you hated that task.
It showed in your actions, your face—I didn’t have to ask.
Yet you did make me who I am today.
I will never know trust or love in a fatherly way.
Abandoned by my own, scorned by you,
You held my mother’s hands steady as she stabbed me through.
You are the wound I was never meant to have.

You dress in the morning with jewelry of steel,
While thousands of miles away, they forge bullets from the same thing.

They claim to keep the peace as they turn their gun your way—
More steel, melted down, to make your coffin nails.

And once again, you're dressed in jewelry of the same kind.

Black ink covers pink scars
A sun on my leg, a moon on my arm
Hieroglyphs of a modern type
Telling a story that's hard to type
A journey through my ages
Blood and ink mixing on carbon pages
Permanence as fleeting as I
A memorial name carved into my thigh
Words of prayer linger on the skin
Reminders in moments of chagrin
Wearing this novella of mine

My personal orator,
tell me a story with profound meaning.
Spin the tale of the abrasive man
who grew from a silent boy.
Feed me you unmistaken eloquence.
Let me drink in your vocal opulence.

It's bizarre to be alive and know
that in someone's home, you're a ghost.
The question remains:
How are you remembered?
Does a smile accompany your name?

I wish I could tell you,
and have you understand—
that you are you,
and I am me.

We put so many years between us,
and in all that time, you’ve changed nothing,
while I’ve had to change everything about me.

Just please understand—
I am a locust,
and you are a tree.

I lay dormant for years,
by your side, if only by circumstance.
I shed my skin again and again,
while you sat still—
unrelenting in your ways,
unmoving through the seasons,
resistant to the surrounding decay.

I pray you understand,
as I only have this to say—
you and I were born in the same forest,
and you expected me to stay?

He brought the sun into the sky each day
She brought booming thunder and rain
He shimmered like gold and smelled of wine
She coward in the corner, shrouded in pain
He prayed his light would be enough
to wash her face of the grimace of disdain
Her hero in armor
Upon her, golden wings does he ordain

The clouds fall away
His glow burning like a fire
Her resistance fading, fear dissipating
His voice carries her higher

When the sun and the storm intertwine
it's as if you're seeing the face of the divine

No water nor tea can quench an inhuman thirst.
That which one cannot have
becomes the object of obsession.
Delusional desires spiral,
the soul caves in,
and all that remains
is this lesson you were given.

You asked me to tell you
About the angels and God.
You swore you could hear them—
You just couldn’t understand.
So I told you of Michael
And how he rose to the occasion
While fixing the front door that you broke in.
You warned me to lock the deadbolt from now on.
“Don’t just lock the ****.
Use the chain too, in case I break through.”
You never could trust.
Life left you abused.

Wherever you are now,
Know that someone is praying for you.

I vacuum the rug so it feels better to walk on the next day.
And now, I understand why all of your compliments come in the evening.

You came back
Slinking from the shadows where you’d been left.
Pathetic creature, thirsty for anything-
willing to drink poison for the sake of a smile.

Bearing the scars of my teeth in your throat,
Why force me to suffer the guilt of being cruel to you?
My thorns cut you while I veiled you in gilded tendrils.
You writhed in agony with a smile on your face-
Delirious, lost, unaware of your situation.

I could have killed you in an instant.
But I let you go.
And you came back.