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Mar 2019 · 284
Untitled
Shea Mar 2019
No one is alive.

And when you wake up to a scream,
Forget it.
It's me, making you, after making me.

Choke on blood.

My opinion is invalid,
Declined like your debit card.

Your opinion is biased by
Having never been loved
Or listened to in youth.

You're not my problem,
Do not think I won't stab you
In the front too.
Shea Mar 2019
The 5 stages of grief and loss are:
1. Denial and isolation;
2. Anger;
3. Bargaining;
4. Depression;
5. Acceptance.

I lay on you, and breathe in the smell
Of your hair, feel the small vibrations
Of your laugh resonating the soft felt pews.
I tell myself I will remember this forever,
So when I miss you, I can still feel you.
The mood grows serious,
The vibrations of your voice shrink down
To a whisper, and crumble
Like rocks beneath a hammer.
"When I die," you say,
Fleeing every so called good feeling felt
Away from this place.
"You're going to get bear,
But I can't tell you what you're getting yet."
She tells us.
Me.
Him.
The only ones here who know.
You told me yesterday, yes you did.
I smiled, I cried, I cussed at God,
I cried again, I bargained,
But I still did not accept.
I smiled and told you it would be okay.
But I think I know deep down inside
That you know deep inside
It might not be okay.
It came back. It's here, in this room,
Inside you.
And I keep making up scenarios where
Someone has asked me
"Would you do this thing if it meant she lived?"
And I always say yes no matter how
****** up the action may be.
Maybe this is the bargaining.
You're not dead yet, but ****
It feels like it.
It will be years.
I'm sure of it.
But I'm just so scared, babe.
I'm so scared.
No one so young should be labeled
With an experation date,
A summarization of how long their life
Will be.
No one.
Mar 2019 · 146
Tumor
Shea Mar 2019
If I don't end my life,
I know you'll die before me.
I love you.
I wish the tumor would shrink
Or dehydrate.
I wish it wouldn't grow
So that you could grow instead
I wish that I could take it all away from you
Maybe put it in a jar
And tuck it away so far
That no one would have to see.
I wish I could eat it,
Throw it, **** it, slaughter it,
Whatever it took to get it out your brain
And into mine
Or out of existence so that
You, and angel to this nasty world
Could live, survive, and breathe without pain
At least for a day.
You did nothing, love.
You did nothing to deserve it.
So even I question my faith
When I ask the Lord why the hell
He let this happen to his own.
Mar 2019 · 1.3k
Tomorrow is my birthday
Shea Mar 2019
Tomorrow is my birthday,
The eve of spring is upon us.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and
I'm still ignored by friends
Wishing that a friend
Would at least
Say "Happy Birthday."
I don't think my wish will come true.
My mouth acted faster than my head
And I screamed before
I could know what I done
And you just stood there,
Making fun.
You never took the time to understand why
Well, neither did my parents so
Who ******* cares?
I'm sorry
I'll **** it up
And fake nice
If it means my birthday
Won't be so bad
Mar 2019 · 664
Psychosis or
Shea Mar 2019
Yes but you are merely
A glass of water to an ocean
That's already full
And doesn't need your help
And I am the carrier of viruses
And mindfulness
That spread like a rumor
In a schoolgirl clique
These voices growing louder
As I give in to them
And create new characters that
Tell me just to do it
Like CB
They tell me
In my head
Just do it
And I shiver and growl
Cause once you go insane
There is no coming down
I'm about to break and two people are fighting over my body
Mar 2019 · 351
X Number two
Shea Mar 2019
Every time you faint
I feel a piece of me die
I love you with all my heart
And you're the only person
That I know for sure,
I love.
What did you ever do to deserve
All these diseases?
Nothing.
You've done nothing to go through this
And that's what I hate.
All you've ever done is heal
And bless other people.
So I'm sorry life never blessed you.
Mar 2019 · 217
The mothers
Shea Mar 2019
This vacancy did not belong
Where my soul gives a gentle coercion
But this vacancy never belonged,
the child is gone.
There was never room for the youth
And the brick on my head never held me down, it grew with me, but kept me down
And the shadows from the past echo
to the future
Where the child does not belong
Where the child should have been gone
There is a different person living in every mood change
Now i see myself something different
No longer stifled by good compulsion.
But you don't know what that means
And neither do the others
Rise with their mothers who define the gifts of talents
When mine gave the gift of illness
and tough love I have yet to accept
So the child grew where she did not belong in a vacancy already taken
Feb 2019 · 2.8k
Paper Bag
Shea Feb 2019
You thought I was a bird,
But I am just a paper bag.
Feb 2019 · 273
Clonidine
Shea Feb 2019
I'll just take my clonidine
It makes me sleep
So I won't say anything
I talk too much
Feb 2019 · 563
These days
Shea Feb 2019
Lay your hands
Upon my chest
So I
Can finally be healed
Of all my sins
And endeavors I've
Faced so long
And I
Give up my life
I still want to die
Even after you showed me to fly
Eye for an eye
Taste for a taste
And **** for a ****
Leave me alone
I lay on the levy of a bank
Concrete death snd stricken of faith
The metal will caress my skin tonight
As I
Pray for one last change

Time can alter your eyes
And blind the blind
Behind your eyes
The feeling of being cynical
Jaded, faded, haven't felt sober in a year
Even though she never did
Any drugs
Watch yourself live
Your own life
Baptize and color blind
Never live
Once will die,
I will I will I will
Feel the same again
There is no cure
Except for you
And you left us years ago
When we killed your son
Shunned you like
A runaway
I want to run away
Want you to go away
These days
Feb 2019 · 209
Just a reminder
Shea Feb 2019
Poetry does not have to be beautiful.
Your poetry is yours and yours alone.
It doesn't have to rhyme or
Make someone happy,
Cause not all poetry is happy.
And not all poetry is about something
So simple
That a rhyme could do justice.
Feb 2019 · 1.1k
Untitled
Shea Feb 2019
I could run away or stay
Living like a moth to a flame.
I always try to chase the light,
But the light has burned out.
And these days I'm stuck in old ways,
So where a light used to be
Is where I sit patiently
In the dark
Hoping for a flickering flame.
Jan 2019 · 302
305 Menthol Gold 100's
Shea Jan 2019
I sit in the back seat
Dealing, with such a
Gut wrenching feeling.

My mom is in another car,
On the way to the airport.
A game of sorts,
You gotta play with the law.
**** up, and you could lose it all.

You could say "**** 12"
But you don't really feel that hate
Until you or your friends are in cuffs.
You could say you miss someone,
But you don't feel that pain
Until you won't ever see them again.

I'm lucky I know,
I'll see you again.
We're lucky, we know
We could be in permanent cuffs.
Till then, we hold our breath
And pray he won't be.
Jan 2019 · 433
Twas, was, is, or as.
Shea Jan 2019
Everytime something happy happens,
I find myself worrying about
What might happen next.

For example, twas an early day,
Writing ******* poetry with words like "Twas" "Was" "is" or "as"
Things seemed to be deemed good
For at least a week or two.

Low and behold,
The wound.
The inevitable part of life that Happens when everything
Is goin' good.

So twas' the night before the wound,
A jaded child lay
Unaware of the doom.
Jan 2019 · 494
When it comes around
Shea Jan 2019
I did myself today
Woke up and felt okay
I did myself today
Stood up and put on perfume
I did myself today
Walked out and felt okay
I did myself today
Broke down and made this..song
Lyrics to a song I recorded. If you want the full lyrics just comment below, not that anyone would.
Jan 2019 · 294
Quotes 5:25 PM
Shea Jan 2019
The pain of a death lasts another lifetime.
Jan 2019 · 575
Russian Roulette
Shea Jan 2019
"Living life like
Russian roulette with an automatic."

You're gonna leave,
I hate you for that,
But I love you for it too.
I'm gonna miss you,
God..I'll miss you so much.

Until then,
And most likely after,
I'll live life
Like I'm spinning a cylinder
With the Reaper.
Jan 2019 · 224
Untitled
Shea Jan 2019
"I'm thirsty anyway,
So bring on the rain."
Jan 2019 · 141
Meridian #2
Shea Jan 2019
I need to be locked up,
The noises cost too much.
I get angry,
I wanna punch.
I feel bad.
I need to be locked up.
Jan 2019 · 296
Mold
Shea Jan 2019
I'm like mold,
Growing and infecting
Everything in my path.
Feed on the dying,
**** off the living.
I'm not a good person,
It's not that hard to see.

I'm like mold,
Growing and infecting
Everything in my path,
And when they find me out,
Like an apple picked too late,
I'm afraid they'll look down,
And throw me in the trash.
Jan 2019 · 263
Catharsis
Shea Jan 2019
My Grandma told me,
About a poem she wrote
About a sunset on the
Key West shore
Painting poems to be
Ethereal and bright,
Full of beauty and
Delight.
Which they are,
But

Here I sit,
Writing poems
About how much I'd love
To die.
Or writing poems
About what's inside my mind
Which seems to be
Terrible,
Dark and
Telling me to be
At the end of bights.
Lonely nights I've spent
Spend days travelling down
My brain to my pencil,
Tracing backwards
Symbols to conform to.
Writing these words
Like child's play to
Nightmares.

So tell me,
What's the real meaning of poet?
Sunsets or an experience
Making poetry
Or poesy your only catharsis?
I think or hope it's both
But either way
Like most folks,
I still don't know what the hell
I'm talking about.
Jan 2019 · 610
Tulip in a Cup
Shea Jan 2019
Like a moth
I'm drawn to the flame
Where I keep getting burned
I'm hurting in my soul.

My fingers are cut
My voice is weak
If there's anything left,
It was gone last week
Dec 2018 · 183
Untitled
Shea Dec 2018
"Grew up in that war zone
Wonder where my friends go..."

I feel like running,
Running from what I did to you.
Though you come in drunk
It upsets me,
I still feel like I need to do what makes you happy,
Cause when you're upset,
You get real low.

I want to run,
But got nowhere to go.
Dec 2018 · 108
Untitled
Shea Dec 2018
I still want to
**** myself,
This Christmas Eve.

Sorry.
Dec 2018 · 194
The real reason
Shea Dec 2018
The real reason I don't want to grow up?
Yes, the bills, the responsibility.
But the fear, the fear of turning out just like
Everyone else did.

They tell me
"Don't grow old."
They say
"I'd rather **** myself than live this way, I did everything wrong."
Well I hear that.
I don't want to grow old because
I don't want to live like that anymore.

I've grown this obsession with doing
Everything the exact opposite than
What they did
So I don't go down their way.

It hurts,
When family holds you,
Looks you in your eyes,
And tells you they want to die.
And nothing I could do
Could suffice that pain
Or price
Dec 2018 · 115
Jar
Shea Dec 2018
Jar
I keep it in a jar,
My last hope of growing old.
I won't let go of my jar,
For it's too precious
To forget.
Dec 2018 · 115
Hungry
Shea Dec 2018
Dad, I don't really blame you
for needing a drink,
But it's 10, the bars are opening
The stores are closing
And I'm hoping
You come home soon.
Dec 2018 · 166
Untitled
Shea Dec 2018
I'm pouring out my heart
For what I cannot afford.
No, I spent tokens on a cheap
Pair of happiness
For about an hour,
30 minutes to kick in.
Yeah my tokens were stolen,
My hands,
Remain broken.
My tongue still tied
And my mind remains fried.
Shea Dec 2018
If we're being honest,
The only thought on mind
At this point
Is suicide.

It sounds stupid,
Or selfish,
Or anything else you could call it.
There is a pressure building
In my head.
It's this feeling of regret.
It will be there every step,
And for what I do next.

I think I'm losing my faith,
No God,I know I'm losing my faith.

****, man.
Dec 2018 · 148
Quotes: 11:58 am
Shea Dec 2018
I know that I'll lose myself again,
And I won't try to win.
Dec 2018 · 496
Idle Hands
Shea Dec 2018
The devil plays
With idle hands,
And makes them do the devils dance.
For this I hardly stand a chance,
Cause my idle hands have begun to dance.
Dec 2018 · 582
Quotes: 8:26 PM
Shea Dec 2018
We hate the pills the we're prescribed,
But love the ones that get us high.
Nov 2018 · 11.7k
Chains -
Shea Nov 2018
I walk with a straggle,
The chains become tighter with
Every step.
You see, this is my reason for
Giving up.

"You hold the key
to your own shackles"

I can set myself free,
With what ambition,
when my hands are tied?
What's the point of changing
When I've lied
For them to Believe I'm fine?

They say you can change,
They say it's possible to Believe
In something other than pain.
For this, I won't give up.
For this, I'll keep going
Until my hands don't reach
As low as my shackles hang.
Nov 2018 · 458
Quotes: 12:29 am
Shea Nov 2018
You hold the key to your own shackles.
Nov 2018 · 116
THE SLAM CONFESSIONS P.3
Shea Nov 2018
Is it just me or
Do we see the Devil in our dreams
And think for a moment
What it'd be like under his wing,
Or it may be a stretch but
Do we ever just a look a little
For his touch cause sanity ain't enough.
Anyone else find comfort in pain
But really want to change?
But deep down inside
The pain is a part of your brain
Is the mess you made
And you're too lazy
As they say to clean it up?
Or are you so desperate to
Believe in something that
You create your own temptations
With a demon you have made
And ...

****.
Nov 2018 · 368
3 a.m Sunday Morning
Shea Nov 2018
Don't bet the Devil your head
You'll end on the crossroads
Where you met
Asking for it back,
But he'll never return your favor.
Better savor sanity while you got it
Cause you sure glorified insanity,
Bettin' the Devil your head.
Nov 2018 · 250
Meridian #1
Shea Nov 2018
One year ago exactly,
In the moment I relapsed faster
Than how fast I was running from myself.

It had been about a year too
Before I closed the door on
Hoping to have grown.

I was sent away
And blamed for that.
They said "You said the right things
And did this on purpose"
Well I can't say I did that,
But I can say I finally opened up
And asked for help
And this is what I got for that.

Now everytime I smell
The smell of tide detergent
And see that color green
On the meridian scrubs
I flinch and stop breathing.

I wish I never opened up,
I wish I never asked for help
Cause now the shackles on my brain are getting heavier in that section.

But it showed me a new perspective,
Didn't get the help I was wishing for
But I grew older, wiser, and nicer.
Now I'm a fighter for the kids like me
So I guess I have grown a little.
Nov 2018 · 416
Downfall
Shea Nov 2018
My mind has left me
Nothing but puddles
For me to clean up
After a downfall.

This is the downfall
Of us all
Or it's just me
Falling to pieces
As I see this world
Getting nothing but worse.
Nov 2018 · 286
Whiskey River
Shea Nov 2018
I'm searching but I can't find
A single life
That wants to deal with mine.
Nov 2018 · 193
Fire/Water
Shea Nov 2018
You better **** the fire before you drown in the water.
Nov 2018 · 163
Small
Shea Nov 2018
Heartbreak is Daily
cause I am the king of emotion.

You are the light,
the enigma in my eyes.
Nov 2018 · 202
Another Untitled
Shea Nov 2018
If bleeding fixed the problem
Or say if anger
Stitched the wound,
I would have fixed it all too soon
To see the lesson
Life was giving.
Nov 2018 · 291
I Can't Wait
Shea Nov 2018
I can't was for the day I open up.
These years of bad luck
Die faster than how fast I'll run.

Oh and I'll run.
I can't wait to the day.
In the past, all the pain of yesterdays
Have wrapped around my basement brain.
I'll run and show again I might,
Take over this world and
Show a good fight.
I'll forget my troubles,
And move on.
Shea Nov 2018
I have a problem, you see.
I own objects like blankets
I cannot sleep without,
Headphones 4 inches thick
To cancel the noises that
Wake up every nerve in my body
That make me shake and bite my nails

I own stubs for fingers
With cuts and chewed skin.
They run across my forehead
To stop the thoughts from occurring.

I count,
Correct the other side
When someone touches my skin.
I make sure every first letter
In the next line of poetry
Is capitalized,
Cause that's a rule.

I agonize over small things
Because as a kid,
No one helped me.
I was too nervous to play in the hose
Or turn on the shower
Because my family would drown.
The ritual began even then.

At 6 I could not play baseball
Because in the outfield
I would tic and make my nose bleed.

I can't even breathe without
Bothering this disease.
One lung does not fill up like the other,
And I get dizzy.

I have a scar on my forehead
From completing this ritual for years.
I fear
And feel.
Why do I fall victim to this disease?
God, I would pray but my hands can hardly
Touch each other without the horrible feeling.
Nov 2018 · 393
RUN
Shea Nov 2018
RUN
I tap on my forehead
The middle is where it starts
I tap on the floorboards
Therefore my mind leaks
Through the floorboards.
Comatose
Most know the idea
By most I mean me
You see, no one knows
That all I touch breaks.
Nov 2018 · 305
Moonlight Voices p.1
Shea Nov 2018
------------------   -----I
                               IG
                              NITE
                           ­    LIK
                            E FIRE WH
                            EN THEY S
                            PEAK IN M
                            Y EARS.  S
                            O LIGHT M
                            E LIKE A C
                           ANDLE, YO
                           U MOONLIG
                           HT VOICES ,
                           LEAVE ME O
                           UT, I BURNY
                           OU DOWN. P
                           UT ME OUT,
                           AND I WILL
                           MISS THEM
Nov 2018 · 404
Living with a shiv
Shea Nov 2018
My mind is filled with scraps of poetry
The words he owes to me
I will never get back
The fact I failed to submit
Shows I'm only bones
And the range of the water
I have been given
Has out lived the living
But the waves of the yesterdays
Like blue days of a dream
The scheme of things have played out
My food for thought
Was laid out
On the couch where we said
Monsters hide at night in bed
And tell you to give up the dream
Of winning faith and dying clean
And if the thing of things must be
The living clean
The way I live
Or never have lived
Could not hold up the way of the shiv
And if the living hope to live
Or love or all
Then washing over once was dry
Will flood the eyes of beggars choicey
Nov 2018 · 935
11/19/18
Shea Nov 2018
I close my eyes and sing
With my heart;
I don't move my lips.
No sound escapes
But it rings in my ears
Taking away
From all my fears.
In this moment I am free
In this moment I can sing
In this moment all I feel,
Is this embracing me.
Nov 2018 · 269
Colorado
Shea Nov 2018
Took the road to El Dorado
From Okeechobee to Colorado

Took the road away from riches at home
Children you have to help grow

Took the road to El Dorado
From Okeechobee to Colorado
Left your children at home
And they've grown without you
Nov 2018 · 220
4:22 a.m.
Shea Nov 2018
The sun is almost up,
And it seems like
This is the last hour before
Hope is restored.

Three passed,
But this number reminds me
Why I am not free
This number is what they call
"A product of anxiety"
You see,
You don't see me
Or my fear of these.
This isn't just anxiety
This is my life.
These are my fears
That my mind has possessed
And dressed
And completely stripped me
Of all of sanity
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