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Shea Nov 2018
I close my eyes and sing
With my heart;
I don't move my lips.
No sound escapes
But it rings in my ears
Taking away
From all my fears.
In this moment I am free
In this moment I can sing
In this moment all I feel,
Is this embracing me.
Shea Jan 2019
I sit in the back seat
Dealing, with such a
Gut wrenching feeling.

My mom is in another car,
On the way to the airport.
A game of sorts,
You gotta play with the law.
**** up, and you could lose it all.

You could say "**** 12"
But you don't really feel that hate
Until you or your friends are in cuffs.
You could say you miss someone,
But you don't feel that pain
Until you won't ever see them again.

I'm lucky I know,
I'll see you again.
We're lucky, we know
We could be in permanent cuffs.
Till then, we hold our breath
And pray he won't be.
Shea Nov 2018
Don't bet the Devil your head
You'll end on the crossroads
Where you met
Asking for it back,
But he'll never return your favor.
Better savor sanity while you got it
Cause you sure glorified insanity,
Bettin' the Devil your head.
Shea Nov 2018
The sun is almost up,
And it seems like
This is the last hour before
Hope is restored.

Three passed,
But this number reminds me
Why I am not free
This number is what they call
"A product of anxiety"
You see,
You don't see me
Or my fear of these.
This isn't just anxiety
This is my life.
These are my fears
That my mind has possessed
And dressed
And completely stripped me
Of all of sanity
Shea Jul 2020
I have this feeling that I wanna go home,
But I'm in my room
I have this feeling that I am not where I am supposed to be
But this is where I'm told to be
Shea Nov 2018
If bleeding fixed the problem
Or say if anger
Stitched the wound,
I would have fixed it all too soon
To see the lesson
Life was giving.
Shea Apr 2021
I saw it in a dream
Eyes pierced at me
Feathers struck my skin
I began to believe.
Yellow sun, dripping from my gums
Life I'm sure, means more
Than ripping out my hair

Athene Noctua

Call me weak, I've risen from my grave
No longer bound by shackles on my feet
I saw it in a dream.
My eyes pierced into me,
I saw the healthy me.
Shea Oct 2018
I wake up.
I took two pills before I blacked
I forgot I did,
I'm on autopilot.
You might worry,
The circles around my eyes
are a tell-tale sign
I assure you I'm not fine.
I am not in control of my life
I'm living in strife
everyone I know has left me
You see,
You don't see
And that's the thing
I don't want you to see
But why doesn't anyone see?
Shea Oct 2018
I know you deserve
More than my offer
I don't think you can love me
I'm bad company
Shea Nov 2018
"Crane my neck and scratch my name"
You've drawn too close to me
You see,
You're a drug
I need a hit
A lick or sip
To satisfy my habit
Laugh at it
Or live it
Either way you've---

I need to change
And not blame
My silly problems
I know I've got em'
But no one else needs to know
Cause if they know
They seem to blame
Not the one at fault
But the one playing my game
They forget
Their innocence in all of this
I don't want to hurt anybody
But it seems like I do
If I don't hold it in somehow
Then I will be the one who
Hurt everyone
And that---

I could keep dragging on
I could write a thousand lousy songs
To show you
Cause my actions never
Run the circle
I feel like a liar
Someone you despise or
Like a bug
Or feeding off of you
Like a parasite
I feel I might
Ask if you want me to leave
I know I love you,
But do you love me?
My worried soul
Needs to know--
Shea Jan 2019
My Grandma told me,
About a poem she wrote
About a sunset on the
Key West shore
Painting poems to be
Ethereal and bright,
Full of beauty and
Which they are,

Here I sit,
Writing poems
About how much I'd love
To die.
Or writing poems
About what's inside my mind
Which seems to be
Dark and
Telling me to be
At the end of bights.
Lonely nights I've spent
Spend days travelling down
My brain to my pencil,
Tracing backwards
Symbols to conform to.
Writing these words
Like child's play to

So tell me,
What's the real meaning of poet?
Sunsets or an experience
Making poetry
Or poesy your only catharsis?
I think or hope it's both
But either way
Like most folks,
I still don't know what the hell
I'm talking about.
Shea Oct 2018
Traveling through dunes of sand
You'll find in the dusty corners of my mind
There is a door
Behind that door
The Glory of God is no more
The water is gone
And the prayers we pray
Are not heard.
It's wooden and worn
The floorboards leak through my eyes
Through my fingertips, and through my mouth.
Why give this corner such power?
Cause this corner has power over me.
Defining lines and colors
Speaking little things to me
Hoping I go back.
Shea Nov 2018
I walk with a straggle,
The chains become tighter with
Every step.
You see, this is my reason for
Giving up.

"You hold the key
to your own shackles"

I can set myself free,
With what ambition,
when my hands are tied?
What's the point of changing
When I've lied
For them to Believe I'm fine?

They say you can change,
They say it's possible to Believe
In something other than pain.
For this, I won't give up.
For this, I'll keep going
Until my hands don't reach
As low as my shackles hang.
Shea Apr 2019
People message me and say
"Your poetry is oh so sad."
Well, until something new
Comes along to write about,
I'll continue to write like this
As I sit and S̶c̶r̶e̶a̶m̶.  I mean, quietly whisper
My poetry into paper.
Not necessarily a poem.
Shea Feb 2019
I'll just take my clonidine
It makes me sleep
So I won't say anything
I talk too much
Shea Nov 2018
Took the road to El Dorado
From Okeechobee to Colorado

Took the road away from riches at home
Children you have to help grow

Took the road to El Dorado
From Okeechobee to Colorado
Left your children at home
And they've grown without you
Shea Apr 2021
Now my second half comes through
Dripping from the ceiling tops
And falling from the sky, littering
Glittering drops of peace and hate
Will fill my senses
And once again, we might just see
What we were meant to be

Sometimes my mind is here,
Sometimes trapped in my dreamers sleep
Shea Jan 2020
Who you used to be
Is between the cracks
In the cushions of your mind,
And at night when you need it
Reach down underneath it

Grab her hand and dig her out
She asking you how things turned out.

Who we used to be,
What we used to know
And see
Is a lesson for who you need to be.

Don't be afraid to ask,
Who you thought you lost.
Shea Oct 2018
I want you
There is no way to say
How much I need you
I always will
I need to feel you
Shea Oct 2018
could not run too fast, or fast enough
could not wrIte or dive too deep
caNnot Explain to others what you'vE Done to me
in fear of what you will
apology accepted for the way you force me to
Happens too fast for mE to say no
that i don't accept the fact you've Lied to me
or accept the fact you have been Parasitic
to a young mind like mine
since day one you've tainted your lines
this "poem'' has no meaning, except the simple phrase
i need to get through. someone please.
Shea Apr 2019
If we do it for the taste,
Then why do we swallow?
Every single day, I hope to feel hollow
Follow me, I'll show you nothing.
Are you worth something?
Everyone just wants a little loving.
We all get lonely
So who can blame?
You would do the same
A woman left lonely.

DE, don't wait
I know you want hollow.
Shea Dec 2018
If we're being honest,
The only thought on mind
At this point
Is suicide.

It sounds stupid,
Or selfish,
Or anything else you could call it.
There is a pressure building
In my head.
It's this feeling of regret.
It will be there every step,
And for what I do next.

I think I'm losing my faith,
No God,I know I'm losing my faith.

****, man.
Shea Nov 2018
My mind has left me
Nothing but puddles
For me to clean up
After a downfall.

This is the downfall
Of us all
Or it's just me
Falling to pieces
As I see this world
Getting nothing but worse.
Shea Nov 2018
I've never wished death on anyone
But you, you see
Hurt me too deep.

You never swallowed your pride
When you cut me

You decided to blame me
For your mistakes

Though everyday I pray that you Would go away,
Begging please on my knees toward God
You're a sickness no pill could ease
Shea Apr 2019
The birds fall from the sky.
My eyes are dry.
The buildings collapse on top of me.
My eyes are dry.
I realize I cannot cry.
My eyes remain dry.
I let out a sigh.
Still, my eyes are dry.
I realize you're going to die.
My eyes want to, but they cannot cry.
How is everyone doing today?
Shea Nov 2018
You better **** the fire before you drown in the water.
Shea Oct 2018
I swallow my pride,
Followed by euphoria
It's glorious.
Speaking of it,
I've taken more than I need
And I've taken more than I should.
She asks if she can handle the seasons
of her life.
Can I?
I see shadows cross my room,
I spit my teeth in my dreams
Cause I'm nervous.
Nicotine doesn't give me the same buzz,
I've smoked too much.
My pills are running low,
I've got ten cents in my wallet.
What you want to call it,
call it.
For now,
I'll hide my addictions
with fake names
and tapes.
Shea Nov 2019
On days when I don't feel
The electricity humming
From the walls

The wind;
Converted energy from a breath
breathe in
Instead hums quietly past my hair
breathe out

The hum of my eyes
Blurs what I see
The leaves grow like weeds
And pile up by trees

Distant hums of the tires
Stretch upon the highway

I feel like I needed to step out

The world and her humming,
Quietly asleep.
Shea Dec 2018
Dad, I don't really blame you
for needing a drink,
But it's 10, the bars are opening
The stores are closing
And I'm hoping
You come home soon.
Shea Jul 2020
A mirror the size of the sky reveals
That I need to change
Though i was made in the image of my God
I was also made in the image of dirt
And molded by the red clay beneath it
And it stained all my clothes
And It stained in the curves of my brain
And through my fingertips
They bleed red
Cause I am *****
I could pray away the red
But it appears on my knees as I kneel
And I know what is real
But i can't hear the voice
And giving every inch of me
Of something I can't see
Is harder than giving every inch of me
To something that's bad for me
Shea Nov 2018
I can't was for the day I open up.
These years of bad luck
Die faster than how fast I'll run.

Oh and I'll run.
I can't wait to the day.
In the past, all the pain of yesterdays
Have wrapped around my basement brain.
I'll run and show again I might,
Take over this world and
Show a good fight.
I'll forget my troubles,
And move on.
Shea Dec 2018
The devil plays
With idle hands,
And makes them do the devils dance.
For this I hardly stand a chance,
Cause my idle hands have begun to dance.
Shea May 2019
In a moment when
You realize you would
Give your life for someone
Just so they could live,
You realize you can't.
Shea Apr 2019
I'm not a good person,
It's not too hard to see.
It's pouring from my sweatglands
And lingering in my sleep.

I'm not a good person,
It's pretty obvious to see.
Cause everthing you tell me,
I seem to believe.
Shea Jun 2021
This desire for connection is insatiable
Because the connections I choose
To wrap my greedy hands around
Are as bad off as me
And if I can't love myself,
How am I to love someone just like me?
Shea Oct 2018
I thought we'd grow old
As if day one never left
The last time I saw you
You were wasted,
Trying to take care of your drunk girlfriend.
We were hiding in the closet
Ironic ain't it?
It was our last day in the ville
Little did I know it'd be our last time for real.
I heard you deceased from a phone call
Not too long after Taylor went to prison
Car wreck, accidental overdose
You lost control, and lost control of your habits
Lost too many people to the drugs
Seems like these days we're out of luck
She was your last word,
And yeah she's doing fine
She's got your name on her arm
But she ain't staying out of harm
The last time I saw her she was
Working for a dollar
Doing more drugs than a ******
Tried to ruin our relationships
And left all us behind
And I find the more I think of it
The worse it feels
for an old friend to be stuck out in the ville
In the streets
While I'm trying to pay my keep
And while the drugs work no more
And sing her soul to sleep
And the valley of her aging face
Say words I can't understand
So I don't understand why people have to leave
Or die
So as you fly, remind her tonight that you're here
And make sure she's fine
Cause she has left my side.
Shea Jun 2021
Warm weather
Come together
Larvae grows in the water that collects
Underneath the house
I'm using you to,
Hate myself.
I feel like you might love me
If I choke on what you have to offer
Shea Apr 2021
Pretty girl
You're afraid, you child
You're gaining weight upon those shoulders
Shoulders used to be bone
Grown muscle
And your heart lost its size

You're no longer small,
Though you feel it.
You miss it.

But your talons
Were ready to strike for years,
Now it's time to spread your wings.
Shea Dec 2018
I keep it in a jar,
My last hope of growing old.
I won't let go of my jar,
For it's too precious
To forget.
Shea Oct 2018
There's a jury in my head
They fight when I'm in bed
They split and throw gavel
Travel from cerebral to people
And back again
My case has not been decided
Though they continue
And I won't sleep until they've left
Shea Feb 2019
Poetry does not have to be beautiful.
Your poetry is yours and yours alone.
It doesn't have to rhyme or
Make someone happy,
Cause not all poetry is happy.
And not all poetry is about something
So simple
That a rhyme could do justice.
Shea Apr 2019
There's a few ways of living
I don't like to live
If living like this means
Laying on the couch
Pitying myself
For all of my problems
Then I don't wanna live
I've got a drink in my hand
And whiskey in a bottle
Tiring myself
I'm too tired to swallow
If whiskey is my pride
Then I swig the whole bottle
Tastes so good but I'm
Too tired to swallow
I don't wanna live
Well like they say
You need to change yourself
I want to live
Shea Nov 2018
My mind is filled with scraps of poetry
The words he owes to me
I will never get back
The fact I failed to submit
Shows I'm only bones
And the range of the water
I have been given
Has out lived the living
But the waves of the yesterdays
Like blue days of a dream
The scheme of things have played out
My food for thought
Was laid out
On the couch where we said
Monsters hide at night in bed
And tell you to give up the dream
Of winning faith and dying clean
And if the thing of things must be
The living clean
The way I live
Or never have lived
Could not hold up the way of the shiv
And if the living hope to live
Or love or all
Then washing over once was dry
Will flood the eyes of beggars choicey
Shea Nov 2018
One year ago exactly,
In the moment I relapsed faster
Than how fast I was running from myself.

It had been about a year too
Before I closed the door on
Hoping to have grown.

I was sent away
And blamed for that.
They said "You said the right things
And did this on purpose"
Well I can't say I did that,
But I can say I finally opened up
And asked for help
And this is what I got for that.

Now everytime I smell
The smell of tide detergent
And see that color green
On the meridian scrubs
I flinch and stop breathing.

I wish I never opened up,
I wish I never asked for help
Cause now the shackles on my brain are getting heavier in that section.

But it showed me a new perspective,
Didn't get the help I was wishing for
But I grew older, wiser, and nicer.
Now I'm a fighter for the kids like me
So I guess I have grown a little.
Shea Jan 2019
I need to be locked up,
The noises cost too much.
I get angry,
I wanna punch.
I feel bad.
I need to be locked up.
Shea Jan 2019
I'm like mold,
Growing and infecting
Everything in my path.
Feed on the dying,
**** off the living.
I'm not a good person,
It's not that hard to see.

I'm like mold,
Growing and infecting
Everything in my path,
And when they find me out,
Like an apple picked too late,
I'm afraid they'll look down,
And throw me in the trash.
Shea Oct 2018
She left with no hesitation
The mesmerising fact of new life
Took her fancy.
March 21st, my birthday
The last day I saw you here
I had this fear
Some time before it happened.
Now I sit alone on the steps
With a stepmother
Hoping one day you receive help
Or come back
Because what I cry about at night
Is that you are not here
And I do not have a mother
To comfort me
The abuse I receive from others
Hurts too much to consider them
A mother.
I miss you, yet I know you're not Coming back.
I miss having a friend,
I miss having someone proud of me
I miss back rubs and good luck.
Though my whole life you've hurt me,
Like an only friend,
I want you in my life again.
Shea Nov 2018
------------------   -----I
                           ­    LIK
                            E FIRE WH
                            EN THEY S
                            PEAK IN M
                            Y EARS.  S
                            O LIGHT M
                            E LIKE A C
                           ANDLE, YO
                           U MOONLIG
                           HT VOICES ,
                           LEAVE ME O
                           UT, I BURNY
                           OU DOWN. P
                           UT ME OUT,
                           AND I WILL
                           MISS THEM
Shea Nov 2018
I have a problem, you see.
I own objects like blankets
I cannot sleep without,
Headphones 4 inches thick
To cancel the noises that
Wake up every nerve in my body
That make me shake and bite my nails

I own stubs for fingers
With cuts and chewed skin.
They run across my forehead
To stop the thoughts from occurring.

I count,
Correct the other side
When someone touches my skin.
I make sure every first letter
In the next line of poetry
Is capitalized,
Cause that's a rule.

I agonize over small things
Because as a kid,
No one helped me.
I was too nervous to play in the hose
Or turn on the shower
Because my family would drown.
The ritual began even then.

At 6 I could not play baseball
Because in the outfield
I would tic and make my nose bleed.

I can't even breathe without
Bothering this disease.
One lung does not fill up like the other,
And I get dizzy.

I have a scar on my forehead
From completing this ritual for years.
I fear
And feel.
Why do I fall victim to this disease?
God, I would pray but my hands can hardly
Touch each other without the horrible feeling.
Shea Oct 2021
On my day,
Play the fiddle as I’m lowered.
Watch the sun go down, but not in anger.
Watch the moon rise,
As she collects a new night to watch unfold.
Walk away with straight backs and high chins,
And don’t come back til you’ve had your rest.

When I die do not blame your crafting hands
As they couldn’t do what you wanted.
Nothing will stop my judgement day.
When I die, keep that head high,
As my memory is lowered,
Into a place in your heart.
There is no time to weep.
So when you hear that fiddle,
Grant me this one wish.
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