There is nothing I would like to say, that would make it easier in a way.
There is nothing I leave behind, empty my room, there is nothing you will find.
Maybe a lighter or two, a handwritten note that I wrote two years ago. There is
nothing I can say that would make you understand,
and there is no one you could ask because no
one has asked me. I have not told anybody what
I hear when I am sleeping, or what I need to do
to go to sleep. There is no high road, I’m
burned out. This is not to be selfish,
no. This is to be a decision pondered
and walked upon before, but never finished. This
is not for anyone, or against anyone. This is purely
for me. You think I did not think about this for
years? Wondered how they would feel? Ending my
own suffering to enter an unknown afterlife so that my
pain will cease to exist for me, but spread to
everyone else. I sat for hours seeing the sights
of what they would see. The point
of it all is simple and has been thought of before.
This is not fair, yes I know. No there
Is nothing you could have done.
No there is nothing you did. It is
Simply my own mind playing tricks on me, resulting in
Hearing things I do not want to hear, seeing
Things I do not want to see, forgetting things I
Do not want to forget, remembering things i tried so hard
You see, I forgot that I was myself this morning and
Accidentally called someone by my own name. I forget
Sometimes that I am me.
I cannot stand to live in the body I have been given, and
What is the point of life when you do not have a purpose? I
Know. nothing. I am not all-knowing
I do not want to defy you. I am scared. I am afraid. I do not know what to
Do at this point in my life, or in five years to come. You
Believe I know everything don’t you? I may
Be the son of what I’ve done, but I am not you at your age.
Me and you would not have gotten along
This I know because I do not thing my ego is large, and I
Do not believe that you saw bees and shadows crawl across your room and
Fly in your ears. I do not believe you had to knock on your head
Until a thought disappeared
And if you had to,
Then I am sorry, because i do
And you did not do what i am about to do
Therefore, you are stronger than me.
I do not want to go on.
All I want to is say one last thing.
I am sorry for ******* up.
I am sorry for not being someone you can show off,
A stock daughter, perfect attendance, a hundred
Someone who got off their ***
And made some sort of difference.
I am sorry I fought, and cried
I am sorry that I let you down in every single way
I am sorry I did this.
It’s not you.
And it’s not me
I just feel like things are not
How they’re meant to be