i am not whole and you seem to be an almost
lie, an unreal silhouette, falling
over and over, your
vivid edges blurring into an
evanescent mist,
you do not know what it means to be human, but
our hearts still long for the wanderlust and
underneath the skin, our breaths still drag,
tangled in never ending tremors like
a possibility of us, knowing how to make it through.
let's not falter because we know about the
heartache, about the emotion undone,
about the breaths unraveled, about how you are
an empty idea of my unwritten poem, a
never-whole vagueness of the
distance suspended within our veins, within
your chest. I keep thinking about the untold secret,
onyx hair and eyes the color of an unknown hue
until the rainbow on the other side collapses.
do you wish to be deep enough to know
our accidentally misplaced
numbness / who is my
tether? I do not
know if I remember the sound of your voice, a
nothing dissolved in my emptiness, your
opacity scares me, I still
wonder if you care.

Thaw
Among my ruins.
Leftovers of our hearts
Hanging threadbare
Across the constellations above.

My maps are built
in the palms of my calloused hands
but I wouldn't know
to read them
because my eyes
have only learned to built
constellations of contorted stars.
As though blinking with a diminutive heartbeat.
The sky has a thousand hearts.
And he's almost alive,
he has known no edge to fall over,
no chasm to drown into.
And he wouldn't know when he shatters
because he's too old
to hold up on his brittle limbs.
He is beautiful,
born out of the blue every morning,
dying every night all over and
over and over.
When he's tired,
he cries and he screams
and he falls apart,
but we were taught
to call the rain nothing else than beautiful.
We were taught to draw away
from the thunderstorms and lightning,
because the sky is angry, they told us,
the sky will hurt you,
they said.
But who would know?
Who would know his agony?
Who would they ever know
how I survived this fall?

We're quite with screaming lungs
and they would not know
our definition because
we were not defined,
we were hung somewhere
in between being human
and being demonic.
Because humans have hearts, they say,
and demons don't have souls, they say.
But we?
We are ghost faces,
born of of the pallor of the clouds
with hearts that beat too fast,
and lungs that scream too loud
and a void gaping inside us
where a soul should be.
So we reach on our tiptoes
to touch the sky and collapse
because our hearts beat too fast
for too long and because
it's a dying muscle that we can't revive,
But we're dancing ashore
after we know the guilt,
and after we have relapsed from the regret
and after our hollows contain the oceans,
we were not afraid but we are brave now.
Not because we're not human,
because we can be more than human.

We can be kindness.

Your eyes are wide and unsure,
but your shoulders never sag,
your hands never tremble,
you have been taught to hide your heart
in the darkness of your chest, I know.
But unravel, I want to tell you.
Unravel unravel unravel.
We're wounded on the surface
but our insides are ravaged too,
we will scream this anguish
into our crumbled knees,
we will shatter.
We are rancor-soaked and
tattered bones,
we are fallen valor but
we will not let ourselves be pitied.
Our night sky carries the same moon,
not quite half, not quite yet full.
It's dangling with no visible strings
but the stars do not shine
from where you stand.
The stars are not as bright,
as if they can hear our screams
that we have contained
in our collapsed shells.

The skies are my companions,
our lungs are perfectly still
under the weeping clouds,
we don't breathe.
We are rancor-soaked
tattered eyes
(they seem old because
we lost the innocence
of our childhood in the scream of thunder).
Our future is a mirage,
I'm too dim to be defined as a star,
you cannot be a meteor
because your fire isn't potent.
But we are nothing short of brave,
we have our memories bound in scars
that can't possibly heal.
We bleed without being cut,
I will simmer down but
I am not a calm soul,
I blaze too loud sometimes,
I will scream until my lungs cave in.
I will run until my legs crumble.
I will search for the cloud
stable enough to carry my depth.
I will learn to stumble
across your terrain
under this relentless rain.
I will try to tell the sky that he is not alone.

I'm opaque
with stone-lungs
(I can't be breathing can I?)  
and I wonder
if I could be tangible.
My skyline is a bleeding blue
stumbling into death-white
and quite unclear.
Collect my bones when I unravel,
fix them only because I want to know
what could I look like without scars.
I think I'm falling but falling
seems like floating,
or does it seem like breaking?
I'm a synonym of antonym
I can't say I'm sorry
because my tongue is rust and salt
and my mouth tastes like raw memories.
They are choking me.
Shadows are shards
pressed into my palms,
I'm about to break.
Bury me where sun touches the shore
maybe I'll soak its essence
and be alive in the sunlight.

We're ripping with silence
woven through our tar veined cardboard skin,
falling falling falling apart
because our scars are unseen
and all our lost battles are faded
and distant.
They don't matter
because it was all in the past.
Standing before our unhealed eyes
is a lonely avenue
littered with forgotten memories
because all our past
is a constant hue of gray almost alive,
almost tangible so potent
that it fissures our bones
so deep that we unhinge,
falling into incomplete remnants
of what we once were.
You can't help that your desires are inhuman.
I'll fit my hand into the imprint of yours
and tell you that it's okay
if you don't want to be human anymore
because I know it is hard.
But I'm your tether
anchoring you because you can't see,
that the higher you fly
the harder will you fall.
And I can't let you break
because I promised once
that I'd be there when you fail
to stand straight.
I never told you the truth
that I wouldn't be able to see
the tears shining in your eyes
with an unrevealed anguish.
Someday maybe I'd tell you
how I'd want to die.
I want to die when you're with me
because you're the last face I want to see
before I fall into the void. This time for ever.  
I want to die with your pale moonhands
tucked in my trembling fingers.

This moment is holding me still
in a second too long,
in a memory too deep,
in an ocean too infinite,
in a scar too wide,
a hollow too dark.
On a road where I can only stumble
because my legs
were not meant to walk,
because I have not learned
to give up this guilt
gnawing at my heart,
clawing at my arms
because I'm not sure
of all the things I do,
and all the things
you told me not to do but I still did.
But this is the end
and I let the moment hold me still,
so still that I almost feel
my heartbeat freeze in place,
so still that everyone doubts
if I was ever alive,
so still that earth feels like it moves,
so still that I can almost
Almost hear you screaming.
So still that I can almost
Almost feel your heart against mine.
So still that I can almost pretend that I'm alive.

I'm a liar because
I pretend so much.
I pretend the tears are not yours.
I pretend your eyes are still green.
I pretend your face is not so pale
almost similar to a corpse's.
I wonder if you know, that sometimes —
sometimes I wish I knew
what love could possibly be.
I walk with paper wounds
and cardboard bruises
and I haven't learned
to keep myself from falling apart
when you tell me
to tell you that I love you.
I would want to tell you
that I never knew
that you could tear apart so violently,
that you could voice,
that your strangled scream could be heard.
An agony so sharp it comes visible.
Tangible.
Palpable.
I pretend to breathe
when it wrings your soul
out of your heart,
bleeding/battered/broken broken broken
broken.
But my fingertips brush yours.
Our arms are a tangle of scars,
we are a pile of bones
and we are not afraid
of each other's darkness
anymore.
Your eyes are fluttering
against my eyelashes,
your hands almost too scared.
I cannot let you know I shattered
when you shattered.
We're shattered words,
unsaid and unheard,
alive only in echoes and thoughts.
We're almost apart,
we're almost whole,
we're almost sure,
we're almost healed.
But my hands are too desperate
snuffing out the fire
because your eyes
are too use to the dark.
We're lying with the truths
that our eyes scream,
were drowning in the dust
that we're not afraid of,
we're not crying
(because we lost our tears).
We're flooded with emotion
but we're empty shells
cracking on the surface and we
collapse.
We collapse because
our knees buckle
and our ankles are disjointed,
all of our past is an ocean
and we're drowning again.
We're drowning until we gasp,
clutching at each other's hands
like it will be the last time.
We're seconds stumbling out of time,
we touch everything and everyone,
and we become their memory.
I grasp your hand and fit the image into a second, burning you into my being.
But your eyes are wide
as though you did not know
we stretch into the unknown;
that we are vacant terrains
standing upended
with empty pockets,
and your hair is too gold
in the sunlight
but your eyes are too green,
and they're screaming so loud so loud
so loud.
They are scared and and questioning me,
they're asking me to stay.
But all I manage is a whisper
because I lost my voice
in the whirlwind I was born out of.

Forever Is such a small word, love
I'll be with you until time ceases to exist.

I'll fall asleep very soon
I'll not collect my ruins
My eyes, my soul
not alive enough
not bright enough
I've sinned so much
I'm unraveled
I'm unforgiven
I'm warped
I'm unforgiven
Unforgiven.

I'll learn to breathe very soon
Maybe I'll collect my ruins
My hands, my lungs
Not trembling enough
Not wavering enough
But fear is potent
I'm unraveled
I'm unforgiven
I'm rattled
I'm unforgiven
Unforgiven.

I'll learn to fall apart someday
There might be no other way
My bones, my heart
Not strong enough
Not fractured enough
Maybe I'm an abyss
I'm unraveled
I'm unforgiven
I'm fissured
I'm unforgiven
Unforgiven

I'll learn to live someday
There might be no other way
My soul my scars
Not bleeding enough
Not numb enough
Maybe I'm alive
I'm unraveled
I'm unforgiven
I'm undone
I'm unforgiven
Unforgiven

Our love started from hatred.
Their love started with dreams.
My heart was a valley
And blindly you crashed down.
Though you could not see the end 
You were afraid you'll fall forever,
But you seeped through my eyes 
and I held on to you for a million years.
You crawled through the webs
my capillaries were.
Beneath my skin,
you built a world of shadows,
with my blood
that could've been an ocean of mist.
And with my bones
that couldn't have been your shore.
You drowned in my veins
seemingly my scarlet life 
Because I carried you within my blood.
But, love,
when they saw you
hiding within my irises 
they tore me apart
but I did not cry,
and I smiled 
for they had not known,
you were me and I were you.
They did not see we're inseparable.
They told me I'm insane and hollow 
But, love, I promise I did not keep quite.
I told them you were with me,
shining through my eyes,
walking on the rail
(that could be my collarbone)
And stumbling into my ribs.
That you were my glow in the darkest dark
and that you smile but they can't see it.
They told me
that you would never come back.
I laughed but I felt empty,
so I told them that you never left,
that you'd lived within me 
for a thousand years. 
That you see the world 
through my sight,
That you breathe 
with my lungs 
That you're alive within me 
Because I've felt you around me 
protecting me from the lie they call truth.
They asked me to show them where were you.
I kept my hand on my beating heart 
and felt your heart beat within mine.
I smiled and bled for the first time (again)
And though my blue veins leaked crimson 
I knew I wasn't bleeding 
Because you'd had healed my wounds 
Long long long ago.
They asked me
to touch you,
and I —
I shattered.
They told me that I am insane 
But I refused to believe.
They told me I've lost you forever 
and I swear I —
I scattered.
Realization hit me 
through my soul,
tearing through my flesh.
Rancorous and loud
and throbbing and deafening
and blinding and heavy
and tangible and potent
and inexistent and alive,
an alive intensity humming
with life and immortal and eternal and everlasting.
My heart did not beat 
my fingers are still unmoving,
shins left split.
A scream was left dormant 
within my ribcage,
when it cracked my bones,
and left a whisper
that echoed through.
I did not know I was so empty
that whispers bounded off from my walls 
and drowned
into my flesh
and ripped through.
And my wretched gashes
spewed scarlet.
(My scarlet life)
I guess it was called bleeding.
But the memory 
of your last breath 
is the only reminder
that you were real.
Numbness and agony 
are my soul mates.
And do you want to see my inside?
Don't worry it's just webs and shadows 
and darkness and desolation 
and it's deserted and bleeding 
with echoes splashing 
within my broken veins 
and fractured ribs
and twisted muscles 
And wrecked smile
and gray and black.
But still-blue eyes,
staring up at the starless sky.
finding a constellation
that never existed.

I'm floating in amnesia
I can't remember
the last time I took a breath.
I'm emptying my eyes
through these tears,
until they're hollow —
so hollow that you wouldn't know
that vacancy could ever feel so full;
so full of emptiness.
This ever growing mayhem
cannot be contained
within my brittle body.
My scars might break open
the next moment.
I'm not very sure if I know
where they came from.
I know I'm afraid —
I'm so afraid of letting them see
the void I carry within.
I can't let them see
that my lungs
are pale sheets of broken muscle,
my heart is a shattered mirror,
scattered and buried
in the seemingly bottomless black
of my broken body.
Sometimes I remember my memories,
the screams and the nightmares and —
you.
I see you through veiled fences,
laughing with crinkled eyes
shining in a new shade of blue;
glowing with another
bittersweet betrayal leaking out
in your unshed tears.
You hold my hand
when I'm about to fall into chasm,
your precarious grip faltering,
your careless eyes vivid
and abyss-deep.
And you remember to let go.
I remember you let go,
and turned away
and I know your strength
because you never looked back.
I know the skyless ocean
is your home because I've bee there,
floating in something
I can't quiet remember anymore.
But you tell me it's amnesia
and I can't remember your name,
I can't remember
to remember something
— someone who can have
the precise blue of your old old
old eyes,
almost as though
they're too young
but I can't remember the difference
between old and young
but you seem so young and so old and —
so beautifully, delicately human.
I can't remember you letting go,
it's as though I'm insane and I am.
I am insane but why do you tell me I'm not?
My delusions are wilder,
they make me see me if you let go.
But please, please don't let go.
I'm not weak and pathetic
and I promise to forget you
(because it's the only thing I'm good at)
but will you never go?

I have shrunk to a thousand creases.
My dents have moulded
into sand and I'm built of nothing.
I might be brittle cascades
or a hollow dead star.
I might be a scattered ocean.
You would never know what I am.
The comets of my empty skies
emit radiation louder
than a thousand deaths.
Since a million years
I'm buried in vacuum.
My nerves are stapled
with rusted nails.
I've drowned into ocean floor,
I've been swallowed
by molten rocks.
This magma floating
within my veins,
is only your faded face
singeing me from inside.
You destructed me
and I've fallen.
I've fallen beyond grasp.
I've fallen empty,
into vacant depths of a screaming abyss.

I've learned to let people go.
Because no one stays
and in the end everyone fades
you have to learn to let go.
And accept.
So I let them drift
out of my life
and I try not to scream
because I've built concrete walls
around myself
but I'm still wounded
from the times they damaged
my memories and threw them
into abyss of bitter agony.
But I'm an hourglass
with no sand and
my time is standing still
and I can't breathe
because my lungs
don't carry wind anymore.
And I've wasted too many pages,
too many words,
too many metaphors
to explain this emotion
It's so palpable that I feel it  
throbbing in my severed veins.
But I can't I can't I can't
fill this hollow inside me
and I've learned to breathe
with drowning lungs.
I've learned to be dead
with a beating heart.

We're vagrant hearts and bruised souls.
Our veins are woven
into discolored skin,
pale and iridescent
in the sunlight.
The starbursts of the twinkling sky
smile with white fire,
and they singe their own vicinity,
burning for a thousand years.
We're tattered limbs
and vanquished hope
sinking gasping, grasping
each other with desperate hands.
And drowning.
We're drowning in mist,
unraveling into shreds.
Our satin blue eyes
are losing their fluorescence
fading into transparency.
Our stitches snip
and we're tearing down into ribbons,
our fragile bones
breaking into glass fragments.
We're scarring each other
with our broken edges.
And shattered.
We're lying shattered
on sunburnt snow,
lit on ice,
reflecting a frost
that reverberates us with frigidity
I refuse to seep through.
We're broken nuummite hands,
desperately trying to touch someone
with numb fingers.
And opaque.
We're opaque and slashed
with unknown colors.
We're almost alive in their hues.
We're ghosts lingering without eyes
because we lost our destination
in last millennium's landslide.
And crying.
We're crying with tears
that seem so much like anguish.
We're blasting through emptiness,
dropping upon nightmares.
Losing the light in an indestructible tornado.
And torn.
We're torn with ripped capillaries,
with dead stars sewed into my lungs
and they're full of ash
and I swear,
I swear I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.  
I don't know about you
but you seem so much like lifeless.
A lost piece of you
sunk to the bottom
and buried in dust,
a lost piece that was your heart.
And how could you be alive
without a heart?
I wonder if I'm scattered
across this ocean floor
seeing you through fissured irises,
A distorted ray of sunlight
I can no longer touch.
A numb frame I can no longer
call my own.
I'm no longer alive.

This life is all greed,
hatred, anguish, joy,
betrayal, hope, hurt,
loss, deaths, failures,
luxury, pain, happiness,
melancholy, helplessness,
habits, hobbies
and a curse called love.
It's called love
because they named it wrong.
We're cocooned in paper thin walls,
tearing through
and ripping them apart
and stitching them again
when they see our dark sides.
We're sunburned
and blue-veined,
and the recrudescence
of these scars spills
nothing but blood —
frozen blood
breaking into incandescent shards.
And we're bleeding,
we're bleeding with tears
and we're bleeding with screams
and we're a destruction
destroying others
and destroying ourselves.
We're a wave of hate
swallowing those
with a difference.
Gray haired people
tell us we're too young
to know the world,
but they won't ever see
the rivers like we do.
They tell us
the sky is colored blue
but our wild imaginations wonder
if sky could be pink and green,
and it is.
Where we shattered,
the pieces are still lying there.
Someone else picks them up
and solves the puzzle we are.
Some breathe
with broken hearts
and some walk
without leaving footsteps.
We are so different,
all of us,
looking back again and again
and again
and hoping again,
and we wonder all the time,
what I would be like to exist
in a different place.
Somewhere far away
from this present
spreading darkness
until we're blind —
so blind that we forget
what light feels like.
In the end though we'll
know we're fallen.
We're fallen faiths
and fallen dreams.
We've fallen into a phoenix called life.
We're different.
Maybe it's time we accept.

Beyond the wilderness,
Where all the stars disperse,
Into asymmetrical constellations,
I still lie there and talk in silence,
To ghosts who don't scare me anymore,

The girl around the bend,
Who sings under deserted bridges,
In vacant nights, used to be my friend,
Until one night a song,
Dissolved her into tears.

The boy who sits alone, on a park bench,
Used to be my friend,
Until one day,
He walked away into blurry horizon,
And never looked back.

The children with blonde flaxen hair,
Playing hide and seek in the garden,
Used to be my friends too,
But they grew so fast,
And left for exploring the world.

The old couple who laughs,
Sitting on the couches in their lawns,
Used to be my friends,
Until the woman died,
And her husband followed her to the grave.

And I'm left here stranded,
Under these broken stars,
Wondering if anyone stays forever,
They come, they stay for a little while,
And they fade out, I must learn to move on.

Don't wait, I'm not coming home.
Someday you'll forget me
and I'll forget you.
Don't search for me,
I'm lost.
This emotion is absurdly bitter,
biting into my paper veins; gnashing.
You won't know where I've bled.
Someday, you'll forget my voice
and I'll forget yours.
This moment is a void
flooding with intangible vacuum.
My lungs are ripped open,
did you know how it feels to die?
Don't forget we counted stars
of the starless sky.
I'm drowning but it doesn't matter,
it's not like I can breathe
anymore anyway.
Don't forget you used to tell
bedtimes stories to ghosts
when you thought I fell asleep;
with your hand in mine
the way sun fits into skies
that are not his home.
The miles I've walked away
mean nothing because
I'll turn around and run to you again.
Don't forget I gifted you
the other half of my dream
because you said
you could never dream.
Someday I'll forget
the touch of your fingertips
against mine
and you'll forget mine.
I'm a kaleidoscope spinning
without direction,
shattering and falling
into shards
like a screaming avalanche.
I'm glacial bones,
someday you'll forget
the coldness of my eyes
and I'll forget yours.
The azure of the sky merging
into orange of sun
is only because
they've learned
to be together
and conjure another color.
You and I are oil paints
splattered on black canvas,
a dark vastness
they can't measure.
Someday I'll forget
the number of your scars
and you'll forget mine.
You're stubborn and beautiful,
you'd say you want to take a dive
into the clouds and fly into cliffs.
We're inverted images,
never fitting into each other.
But you're in the mirror
and I'm stumbling into the void.
But you're eyes are still cerulean blue,
mine are still emerald green.
I'll never forget
the soprano of my voice
melting in the tenor of yours.
I'll never forget touch
of your fingertips
through glass doors
or concrete walls.
You'd forget that I still remember
when you told me I'm so deep.
I'm so deep, I drowned you
and you're still gasping for breath,
even after all these years,
I'd know you'll never forget
the precise lengths of my scars.

I'm wrapped in this eternity,
its suffocating grip
break my breaths
into splinters I can't fix.
I'm worn out
and my unbound edges
are starting to dissolve in this chasm.
One day, it'll become me
and I'll become it.
Then they'll know
that my depth
was never fathomable.
This unknown ocean is my home.
If they asked,
I'll tell them that 1997's
summer seemed like
streetlights casting
orange glow over deserted roads.
I'm an infinite distance
drenched between
my broken dream
and a reality so real,
it shook my being.
I'm this flash of light,
almost resonant,
almost imperishable.
Almost.
My unbound edges
have dissolved into this chasm.
If I could reach out now,
I could touch
that little diminished glow
my dream used to be.
I've fallen out of faith,
fallen out of fear,
fallen out of dread.
I'm this numb throbbing
left behind by the bitter tint
of their crude remarks
That I haven't learned to forget.
I'm a being of ashes piled high,
desperate to touch the sun
though it burned me so much,
That I've become nothing
but a screaming grey,
That they call thunderstorm.
I'm like water splashing,
through broken water pipes
with rusty veins
and faded sunsets
and dark dawns,
fissured with almost inexistent clouds.
They know now though,
I'm faded.
They still don't know,
I'm a bottomless void.

I don't need words to start a poem,
All I need is your memories.
The blink of your eyes
and the smile
tugging on your lips.
I kept dissolving
in maple sugar
that were your tears,
streaming forever.
I dove in the hollow
above your collarbones
and swam through your gold blood.
I've glided through your braids,
like winds dancing on the flowers.
But somehow, love,
I'm wandering,
lost,
On paths that don't lead to you.
Since a very long time,
I haven't seen the face of the sun.
Today's the same gray
with just a little more pitch of black.
Tonight again I can't see the stars,
again can't find the moon.
And tonight again there are no clouds.
Tonight again the sky is lifeless blue.
Because your constellations
have broken apart
and the fragments
have scattered in the space.
Every thing has vanished
in sheer silence.
I've heard nothing
but your scream.
Everything has burned
and it lies in ashes.
Though all these years
have elapsed
like flashes of happiness
and hope,
like sparks of lightning,
tearing through skies.
Behind your eyelids
are whole new worlds.
Your irises are two planets
wrapped in a deep hue
of cerulean blue.
And stars are dangling
from your eyelashes.
You're still lost.
Maybe you're hidden
in waves of oceans
or buried in dust.
I've cried and screamed
but still it's a silence too empty
to carry a whisper.
It feels like I haven't heard
anything since a thousand years.
This is our world,
within my words
and I'll bring you here again
after all the agony fades
and you're mended again.
We'll reach out for the stars again.
I'll light fireflies with stardust.
I'll burn fire with sun's flames.
I'll find all our broken pieces.
We'll take with us all our memories.
When we leave here,
I'll take you with me.
There where time
doesn't exist anymore
and we'll no longer
hang in words of my poems.
I swear, we'll be real,
soon after my words run out of pain.
We'll climb the clouds
and we'll lie in moon dust.
Ignited with silver beams
of moonlight, iridescent,
real but unreal.
Beautiful.
We'll sing again and dance.
And every night,
under the dark sky,
I'll stare into your eyes
and stare deep.
And again I'll count the stars there within.

A story leaked,
From my open wounds,
And the years escaped,
The cage of my mind,
Poetries screamed my anguish,
And songs revealed,
Too much to stand through.
With welts etched in my legs,
I trudged, stumbling,
Along the thousand avenues,
Finding your arms.
Winds flapped through,
My tattered clothes,
And stars cracked,
And dispersed and crashed.
I kept falling until,
I drowned in oceans,
of your blurred memories.
They filled my lungs
And made me choke.
They pierced my veins
And broke my bones.
I let my breaths flee,
and I fell and fell,
deeper into deepest agony.
It's the end, love,
it's the end.
This is how we end.

Through silent night,
When I look for the moon,
With sleepless eyes;
And unsure thoughts,
Will you sing me to sleep?

So tomorrow when it dawns,
I'll tell you how I fit,
Blocks of words into,
Empty silences,
That stretch into oblivion.

Tomorrow night when,
The night sky is bare,
And there are no stars left,
Tell me the story of the little girl,
Who fell down from a cloud.

And when I wake up again,
I'll show you how to bleed,
Through metaphorical sentences,
That make no sense,
So you'd know the way I heal.

When I wander at 3 AM,
Give me a fistful of dreams,
To ponder upon,
Because my eyes,
are still not heavy.

After the sun leaps into the clouds,
I'll tell you how to build a body,
With untidy stitches,
Of worn out hope and strength,
Shining in my translucent knuckles.

And when the darkness comes,
And I'm insomniac again,
Tell me how to hold your hand,
Without grasping only air,
In my empty fists.

In the morning light,
I'll teach you to form a smile,
On your stone lips and,
I'll tell you it means,
That you're happy.

And through years,
That we'd weaved,
With patched fingers,
Of clumsy stitch work,
And broken threads,

And frail skin and brittle lungs,
At last you've taught me to sleep,
(Although I still don't sleep sometimes),
And I've taught you how to be human.

So tonight when I'm looking at the moon,
I see you in the night sky,
Because tonight again I'm not sleepy,
So I'll count your eyelashes instead,
Because there are still no stars left.

I'm November nights' sleepless eyes,
And Saturday's heavy rain,
I feel broken and I can't remember why.
A deep breath, it might ease my anguish.
Across that town,
(that I set on fire),
Is something stronger than melancholy.
I try to reach it but it's too distant.
I'm an illusion you can't deem real.
I'm only mist,
Your hand will never,
Close around mine.
You cry like a boy,
When you hear I've lost my breaths,
In 1678's winter snowstorm.
The autumn of 1857,
Seems like cracking branches,
And you and me inexistent,
Trapped in something,
We can't seem to remember.
It has no name, that phobia.
I can't breathe, I can't remember,
Where I've left my lungs.
I can't feel, I don't know,
Where I've dropped my heart.
My eyes can't trace,
The shape of your face.
You're a blurred image,
I've crafted with my own hands.
Nothing makes sense.
Maybe I'm insane.
Desperate, so desperate,
To feel, to touch an entity,
That could be bigger than life.
But I'm a breathing vacuum.
The sensation in my fingers,
Is singeing me with so much life,
It's almost unbearable.
I'm running, bolting, wavering,
Stumbling, swaying, trembling.
I'm dying, dreaming, wondering,
I'm falling in love.
I'm falling over and over and over.
But I'm only falling.
I've never known what's it like,
To get up.
I'm falling into a rift valley,
With sleepy eyes.
I'm falling again.
But this time I'm falling asleep.
I might wake up.
Someday I might.

I'm a jumbled sentence,
With broken words,
Uttered in  gasping stutters,
By mouth of someone I haven't met.
All my punctuation is wrong,
I don't have commas,
Or colons to make sense of me.
I'm standing still,
So still that I can almost,
Almost feel the seconds bleeding,
And my heart burning,
And lungs collapsing and,
Eyes shutting for sleep,
That only contain nightmares.
And I'm wondering,
I'm wondering if,
I might ever touch the sky,
I'll touch it with my broken fingertips.
See, even broken stars can shine.

held onto your hands,
When you faltered,
Even though they were,
Only dust and fire,
And let you singe,
An abyss through my broken veins.

You left me there,
Bleeding under a lamppost,
When I stared up into its pale light,
And wondered if I have enough pain,
To flow it through tears because,
Even though you left me, I couldn't cry.

Instead I scream into the stillness,
of this never ending moment,
Speak words that,
No one knows anymore,
In concrete whispers,
That unravels into a broken stutter.

I'll drown into depths of something,
That is unknown to me,
Just to feel the terror,
Because since the fall,
I haven't felt anything,
It scares me to think I'm feelingless.

Because it's the dead,
Who don't feel anything,
Because their nerves disintegrate,
Like brittle prices of art scattered on tiled floor,
And their hearts are meshed into sand,
And they can't return, can't live,

It scares me that they can't breathe,
But I'll touch them through thoughts,
And my obliterated wishful thinking,
I'll touch them through my memories,
It's nothing but illusions that seem real,
I'll have to remind myself, I'm still alive.

I might not see next sunrise,
This unsettling unsureness,
Tingling my fingertips,
In nervous floods and
Chaotic landslides,
Forever potent in my blood.

But at last I've learned to live every moment,
Because I can dance in arms of sunlight,
When they're saying  she's dancing alone,
They're saying she's insane,
Because I laugh at sky because it's raining,
I can hear the thunder telling me, that I seem alive.

I'll touch the rainbow through,
My color-splattered canvas,
I could hold a fluorescent star,
And can you see?
I can break the stars,
From that infinite blue sky.

I can empty my memories into an ocean,
And see them sifting through sand,
Drifting in high tides and undecided waves,
See, your memory is among those too,
It's time I turn away and never turn back,
I know this because the moon told me.

I calculate their smiles for confused looks,
When they tell me I've gone crazy,
I can tell them I live more than they ever have.
They don't know what is living,
Every moment like it's the last one.
I know, because I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive.

I've screamed a thousand words,
Into blank pages, with black ink,
And I fall in love with things,
Too twisted, too inhuman,
Too dark, too nightmarish.

I try to crush paper in my fists,
But it pierces through my sieved skin.
I touch the unsaid words,
Resting on my chapped lips and wonder,
What color the sun might be.

And I try to learn,
To hold my breath,
Because someday,
They might take,
My oxygen away.

And I press my words,
Onto empty white walls,
And swallow the stones,
Rising in my voiceless throat,
And stare at you for what could be eternity,

And I blend colors on palette
with broken fingers and wonder
if I'm a ghost born out of empty canvas.
I try to copy the serenity in twilight colors
but I only see thunderstorm gray.

And I try to separate skylines,
From skyscrapers,
But my cardboard hands,
Are too clumsy,
And they tremble too much,

So instead,
I fill your vacant inside,
With unlit embers,
And rewind the time,
Until we're alive again.

I leave traces,
of my painted hands,
on your face from all the times,
I used to struggle,
to paint a perfect apple.

And you're still frozen,
In a photograph beside my unmade bed,
With your mouth still open,
To say a word I never heard,
And an arm dangling from a ladder rung,

And you're watching me,
But I've grown too old,
And you're still seven years old,
Imprinted and stilled forever,
Into a seventeen year old photograph.

You pry open my veins

And dive into my bloodstream


You run through my veins

And blacken my blood


And the dark ashes of our love,

flow underneath the shadows of our past


And you rip open my scars

With the blades of your memory


and you hammer nails of despair into my skull

As the crimson agony seeps through


My fingers go numb and you smile painfully

And my blue veins erupt black blood


And my eyelids collapse shut

And teeth chatter


I bite my lip and blood draws out

It's bittersweet pain and agony


I blink to see you're my angel

sending me away from this dark world


As you pull my breaths into your lungs

Sending me with one last kiss of our dying love


And you cradle my face and let out a scream

It shatters the glass walls and wind's howls


And it breaks the sun apart

And scatters all the beams of yellow light


Your scream rips the moons of Neptune

And stars from all seven heavens


And all those asteroids burst,

into pieces of our immortal love


And it's only scarlet craters of melancholy,

driven into splinters of my dark dark soul


This is where we've ended, love,

And from here you leave my hand


And I leave your heart but never your soul

It's here I'm saying goodbye, love, forever.

                                                            -MAY

I held onto the fringes of hope that were fists of fire punching wells of dark despair through my battered soul.

Screaming agony clangs within my soul
Finding an outlet that I can’t give

It pierces through me as my blood howls
With an intensity that scorches my scars

A storm builds within my eyes
as the memory of your face passes them

I’ve lived in all your colors, all your emotions
And, in all your depths I’ve drowned

Until I crashed in the dark pit within your eyes
which you never let anyone see

I’ve lived in all your dark dreams
and all your hollow nightmares

Love, I’m the blood that your scars bleed
I’m all those tears that your eyes cried

I promise to build all those dreams again
that have landed into dust of our love

And all those shadows will fade away
If you just let me in, love

I’ll find you from the darkest corner
of the sea that you’ve drowned into

And I’ll carry you to the shore in my arms
And I’ll kiss all the pain away, love

In return, I’ll ask only one thing
And If you just smile and ask me what

I’ll say, I’ll give my soul and heart
And hands and arms but never my eyes

‘Cause they’re mine only to watch you
when you shiver and smile

And laugh and cry,
blush and mumble

And sing while you work
And sleep and read

All the little things that others take for granted
I feel the fascination in every move of yours

Sometimes I wonder if your smile is magic
As though you’re unreal, just an illusion

And I’m scared of touching you
for you’re so fragile

And you’ll shatter in my arms
break down because you’ve suffered for love

The love that no one tried to give
but I swear I’ll give you all of me

For I’m born from love but you’re not
And, love, I vow to give you all of it

I’m nothing without you, honey
And I only ask for one more thing

Just say, you know I love you
with every speck of honesty

And I swear on my blood, I’ll give,
all my world in your trembling little hands.

No matter how loud I dream,
I might still be drowning deep

Into the silver your delusional eyes scream
And Into the rain the sky weeps

You kept my dream protected within your fist,
the secret dream that I built from dust.

I gave you all of me over and over,
And I kept sinking lower and lower.

I sank into the realization that it's real,
I was torn and It was so hard to believe

And through the mist,
You promised, We'll rise again

And told me that you'll keep your promises
And won't just run away like others did

But still your gone and I can't find you.
I search the sky and my gaze lands on the same star.

I die again and again wondering if that's where you live,
But an illusion of your smile is all you ever give.

My soul is riven with cracks so deep and I think,
maybe someday they'll break through the surface of my skin.

Honey, please come back to me again,
Please don't let another wish go in vain

                                                               -MAY

My love for you is beyond these limits,
beyond the reach of earth, space and heaven


I've stitched your dreams with velvet
And built your hope with cashmere


My life was an empty canvas, love,
I've filled it with you flawless face


Your crystal eyes, concealing broken emotions
And your eyelashes bowing down, hiding your eyes


Your eyes are the most beautiful I've ever seen
So vulnerable, they take my breath away


And with every single glance,
they throw me a little deeper in love


And every time tears stream down your little face,
my fragile frame shatters to fragments


And an agony rips through my veins
and rushes through my bloodstream


You destroy me, love,
with every touch and every look


With every smile and every word
Your beauty is too much for my eyes to hold


But still I dare to look up
as my irises begin to crack


You're so heartbreakingly beautiful,
It makes me cry and laugh at the same time


Your hair is spun with gold and crimson,
It's the shade of my heart bleeding for your love


And your hands made of porcelain
And your lips are meshes of honey


I swear, I'll carry you over the seas
And take you through the dark clouds


Love, I promise to keep my arms around you
Until you stop breaking and shattering


I love you but these three little words
does not contain the intensity of my feelings


for just I love you isn't enough
I'd rather drown, smile and say,


Love, I'll give my life for one moment with you
And every breath of mine for just one smile of yours.

I found peace in the deepest shade of black, where light was scared to reach. So far buried in those depths, only I could decipher. Too many broken pieces of me lay bleeding, chipped in guilt and ashes of my hope. Don't try to heal me, love, I'm gone too far. Don't try to find me in these dense shadows, love, they'll pull you down into black agony I'm burning within.

I'm a puzzle waiting to be solved. Complicated. That jumbles their minds. A puzzle with my broken pieces scattered all along the lanes and roads on the map of my dark dark life. They try to find my fragments and they fail. I'm built of shattered words of hope tripping on trails of self doubt.

And with strangled emotions ricocheting against the walls of my soul. The hollow echoes of those sweet lullabies that reverberates through my mind, making no definitions, leaving me empty.

And it's only numb pain rebounding within my veins. As they crack open my walls of security. All there eyes scruntinize me under their cruel disgusted gazes as I slump to ground and shiver, bleeding my wounds again and again.

I can't be who I am.

And after a million lost battles I surrender.

And accept its only darkness that defines me.

I'm built of water splashing over edges
As I fall and break upon rocks

With mud in my bones and creaky joints
and sand makes my eyes lashes

I'm built of dust, blowing away
Carried by the wind wherever it goes

I don't care anymore for it doesn't matter
I'm just built of words with no meaning

And of empty light burning in darkness
And hollow waves crashing against storms

I fall beneath and beneath
And hit the darkness rusting underneath

Where no one shows when I scream
Where no light dares to touch my eyes

And my bones all shatter,
until they're just powdered calcium

And blood freeze in my bones,
forming stalactites, piercing through my veins

And my skin cracks and breaths escape
And the shadows sink inside my shell

And fissures seep through my irises
And oceans dissolve my dust eyelashes

And memories burn my eyes
and flow past the brims

It's only raw, absolute, sheer pain
As I tear slowly without screaming

Only tears, howls and lost love
And your betrayal and false friends

I've lived for so long but haven't found peace
Now I'm just begging your memories to leave me be

For there's nothing now I could lose
Nothing left of me or my dreams anymore

Nothing of wounded hope
And my canvas of love

I've seen the streets for a thousand years
always wandering never finding my own home

I'm afraid if I let my eyes closet they'll dream again
For I'm torn, vein by vein and cell by cell

I'm nothing but a shadow of who I was
Nothing but reflection of my past

Just an echo of a scream I used to be
Just an illusion of the life I've lived

Nothing more is left, love
For I've given you all of me

How can you tear me, love?
I'm already lying in red ribbons

I'm strips of flesh and blood
And of Silver pain and Black hope

Love, I'm smiling the last time
Please tell me to stay

And hold me for eternity
Because just forever isn't enough for me.

I’m staggering and stumbling on air
climbing the clouds as I tear  

Because I can’t still see the rays of sunshine
And twinkling starlight in the night

I build hope with fragile beams of light
And sew them into my dreams

It’s constant blue stretching beyond my sight
And specks of white floating in these heights

But sky turns dark again and I shiver
And I soak again and cry and quiver

And I watch while the light fades
From my brittle dreams and false hope

And the clouds beneath me cracks open
And I fall through, tearing the layers of sky

I scream in the dark and my joints snap apart
And muscles tear and eardrums rip

And my shins split and knuckles wrench
I drown into seas and my broken body drenches

And I take breaths through my torn lungs
And try to move my severed bones

And my heart bear scars, all rusted and dried
and failing to beat one more time

And my dreams scatter on the clouds
I want to scream but my voice is gone

My whispers don’t carry through
And tears spill out my ebony eyes,

reflecting all shades of black
But not one beam of sunlight

I break down and let my mouth drop open
As if I could howl despite my slitted vocals cords

But only blood seeps through the blue
And I notice my gashes bleed

And streams of vermillion track around my arms
And neck, hands and legs. I’m all finished

And my veins burst and bloodstream erupts
And tendons break and numbness claims me

I’m gone because once I believed
I could build my dreams amidst the sky

The blue cradles me for I’m tired to stay up
And water gushes down my throat

And leaks into my lungs
And my insides suffocate

My last sight is sheer darkness
And only one star as it breaks away

And streaks across in silence
I smile and let go slowly

As the pain fades
And memories are left behind

I’m leaving here forever  
As moon smiles and draws my soul

And wraps me in shimmering moonlight
And stars show me my place

And I start my eternity as a dim glow
As a star that’ll never fade, never break

As a light that will never flicker
A glimmer, one amongst the thousand others

But I wish I could be a beam of sunlight
And reflect across the clouds

And maybe collect my dreams
And keep them forever.

Like emerging from a canvas he rose,

Taking away my breaths and sanity


Like dusty scent, through lanes now he blows

While I take in his scent and keep him captivated.


The shadows of death lingered in his mind.

And I tried but I couldn't chase them away


And I saw our failing love,

Our fading red.


Our souls used to collide within our shells,

It was hollow inside us, we were just two empty wells.


Our depths couldn't be seen through eyes,

We were so deep, we defined infinite


I saw our falling love,

Our fading red


One day, he screamed, wrapped in agony

And I howled while vacancy shook me.


His breaths were taken away

And mine were not but empty again, we lay


Although we belonged together

Still we were torn apart


This was the last time I saw our dying love

Our...faded...red

Your eyes are empty, love, so impossibly vacant
Devoid of any emotion, dead of dreams


Because your tears flow away,
ripping the feelings, the pain


And I reach out but our ways are separated
As misery seeps through the space between us


You walk on broken glass and still smile
I walk on flower beds but still scream


Because we're one and you can't see
I feel your pain, and with every fake smile you **** me


I'm trying, love, just close your eyes
I'll take you far far away from all this agony


I won't say I'll tear the moon for you
Or clench the sun within my hands


But, love, if their shine hurt your eyes,
Because you're too deep in dark


I promise, I'll shield you,
And heal your dark wounds


And gashes of loneliness
And scars of memories.


And I'll hold your shattered pieces
until the storm inside you ceases


I'll put them together and fix you
I'll steal your breaths away from the death


And I'll fill you again with hope
And I'll show you what's light


You're scared, love, I know
But just hold my hand and don't let go


I know you're afraid to leave the ground, love
But if you stand once, I won't let you falter


I'll hold you until you can walk on your own
To your destination of dreams all alone


I will let go then and you won't fall ever again
You'll break through all those metal chains


And through those thunder clouds you'll rise
Like piano notes and wind chimes


Love, my life was always yours,
I'll give it away if I have to


But till then I'm here, watching
As your smile flows towards realm of reality


And your dreams strengthen
With hope and my light I gave you


Its okay, love, I can stand the darkness
I'm just wishing to see you face once


But don't turn around, love,
For you've left the past behind,


And I'm amongst your past now
It's okay love, I'll live with your scars


And your memories, your broken dreams
Those dreams that you left with me


I still have them, love,
Your dreams have become mine


Only to protect and cherish
And love and remember


Until the last breath leaves me empty
Like your eyes in the start of this journey.

Through strings and wires I've walked
Never lacking courage or hope

But now I'm utterly empty,
Just an infinite space with thousand black holes,

digging through my screaming soul
Only hollows within me that fail to contain echoes,

though I've felt my tears scream,
on every track they course down my cheeks

Slowly, I sink into the oceans of wide holes,
into the betrayal, misery that makes my home

It's not honey, flowers, and butterflies
and not care and a love on high

It's built of bleeding thoughts,
pricking my heart with needles scalding hot

Puncturing through my wounded existence,
and lost clemency tumbling through dark shadows

My sky is red and clementine
because all my hues bleed

They bleed a deep red of melancholy
Seeping through the clouds of despair, slowly

I watch as I sit numb on shadows
Just wishing to fill these hollows

And smile because I have courage to still believe
in those fairy tales I could never defeat.

Someday maybe I could stop,
weaving threads of darkness into hope.

Until then I'm a doll with no features
Wearing another facade, just a cheater.

Because I've cheated so much
One every breath and every dream I've touched

Now I'm just waiting for truth to rend me apart
from this tired body, and bleeding heart

                                                                -MAY

No matter how loud I dream,
I might still be drowning deep

Into the silver your delusional eyes scream
And Into the rain the sky weeps

You kept my dream protected within your fist,
the secret dream that I built from dust.

I gave you all of me over and over,
And I kept sinking lower and lower.

I sank into the realization that it's real,
I was torn and It was so hard to believe

And through the mist,
You promised, We'll rise again

And told me that you'll keep your promises
And won't just run away like others did

But still your gone and I can't find you.
I search the sky and my gaze lands on the same star.

I die again and again wondering if that's where you live,
But an illusion of your smile is all you ever give.

My soul is riven with cracks so deep and I think,
maybe someday they'll break through the surface of my skin.

Honey, please come back to me again,
Please don't let another wish go in vain

We'll hide when the storm comes upon us
I'll cover you and keep you protected

I'll carry the weight of your dreams
You'll only carry my love

My every breath is yours
Ask for them anytime I won't hesitate

My soul belongs to you too
Ask for it and I'll lay it before you

I'll be your shade from searing sunlight
I'll be your light in invincible dark

I'll be warmth when you're cold
I'll be the savior to whom you'll hold on

I'll be the hand who'll steady you
I'll be the one who'll heal you

Because, love, you're the one who defines me
I'm the darkness of light but I'll save you

I'm concrete, I have no breaking point
Except just one and it's you

Don't cry, love, I'll shatter
A chasm will sink into my soul and I'll scatter

And I'll break with a faint mist
No sound, no screams just one wish

That if I break and you'll never cry again
I'll die again and again until I drink all your pain

And bury it within me where you'll never find it.
Because it's so dark here inside and no light is lit

I'm asking the first time and the last
Please don't ask me to return your pain

And those tears and scars and cracked hope
And the broken dreams and gray rainbows

That's the past, love, just move on
Don't be scared, I'll never leave you alone

For I've loved you for so long
And now I can't turn back for I'll be lost

because I don't know for whom to look for
Because I don't know what I was before

I just remember the darkness before you came
The infinity of silence, screams and shame

The black nightmares and fallen fate
Bleeding words and burning hate

The chasing vacancy and inflating hollows
It was deep within, I wasn't shallow

I swear I felt my bones break
I swear I felt the emptiness wake

And claw at my insides
And All I could was hide

So I hid and screamed
And you found me with fissures and seams

I unraveled and let you heal me
for I didn't have the strength anymore

You took my breaths and filled me with yours
And looked into my eyes and told me you love me.
      
                                                                            -MAY