I swear
next time a person  tells me ,
"oh she looks like a  little ****
OH SHE WAS
ASKIN FOR IT !
OH YOUR BODY
IS THE REASON
YOU WERE TOUCHED
oh she's slept with too many men ,
oh she's too much of an angry feminist."

I would love to ask them
well
WHYYYY
do you think she's such an
ANGRY FEMINIST
I know why I AM!!!!
;

BECAUSE when so many men &women
have ***** abused assaulted
hurt me with words
emotionally abused manipulated
gaslighted me
you feel poisoned by the men
who should've protected you
and when you feel that way by many women too
than where does that leave you ??
it leaves you hating most people
so stop tellin' us
TO STOP BEING
MAD
START
CHANGIN'
AND THEN
JUST SHUT
THE HELL
UP!!!

SO ANGRY
where do i go
do i go home
why did the abuser
have to feel so familar
so happy
i got out in 2 days
instead of longer
it hurts
that I felt the pain again
ANGRY
so
ANGRY
at the patriarchy
at the men
who claim to be good
when they are really just
fetishizing
hating creatures
who believe
that they can try to control me
manipulate me
influence me
or bend me to their ways
but SORRY
to break you
YOU CAN"T
BREAK ME
OR FORCE ME
TO DO ANYTHING
I will be respected
no matter
who I must avoid
or cut off
I CHOOOSE ME
NO MATTER WHAT
I am tired of men ruling my life
I am
as well as all of the ancestors behind me
raging against most of the horrible men out there
For the good men out there
I can't wait to meet more of you
and to actually converse
and have nice interactions

Thick thighs
I would love to feel them beneath my hands
press my hands against you
feel your body beneath mine
and hear your cry

the way I stared at your thighs
your tattoos
the dragon
oh how much
I wanted to taste you
in that moment
make you more than a friend to me
and in the way you smiled at me
and said I'd love to date you ,
alas it was never meant to be,
so now I am only left with
my hurting lonely heart
wandering about you
and feeling the ache
of wanting my hand
in between your thighs
and your kisses in the
moonlight under the moonlight
for I wanted you to
be my first girl lover
but alas my bisexual desires
are still only just that
desires .

my whole life
everyone tried to annihilate me
my spirit
my goodness
by choosing to laugh at me
to bully me
the girls
my friends in sublte ways
that I couldn't see at the time
the teachers who called me names
who laughed at me,
at what they perceived  to be " stupid questions "
but you couldn't **** my spirit,
for I am still here standing
coming in to my power finally
freer,
my whole life they tried to annihilate
me
my own parents
my own brothers
my cousins
my aunts and uncles
my rabbis
my friends
my exe's
who just used me for my body
without consent
who tried to annihilate my soul from my body
everyone tried
even many of my therapists
who tried to put me away
who tried to drug me
and close off my voice ,
and tried to tell me that I was just crazy
and mentally ill
and messed up
but maybe my voice
and who I am
is so powerful
and that's why they all
tired to make me go away.
But I am still here
and I remember it all.
I am healing
calling  my power back
that has been gone from me
from the time that I was born
and I will not allow myself to be used
or abused
again!

I am here
and you can't annihilate me
anymore.
You can only try to annihilate
the goodness of the world
but it will always prevail
no matter how dark the world
and its people get.

its like discovering myself
for the first time
through words
through putting lotions on my body
for the first time
for taking care of my hair
my face
my body
for allowing myself
to eat without restriction
to allow myself to laugh
at taboo subjects
and to howl at the religion and the life that I came from
while reminiscing on the good
that was amongst the bad the hard and the painful.

I went out without wearing makeup
without feeling the need to constantly
check myself for perfection
and I ask myself
why can't woman
just be allowed to be human?
Why do we have to shave to
look perfect the whole time
to birth children
and still be expected to always function perfectly
why are our bodies constantly  taxed objectified
in **** movies music and in so many relationships
why do we have to wear makeup
to disguise our beautiful
so called imperfections
that are just so human
why are we fed lies so often
that we must shrink our bodies
our pain
and laugh off our abuse
our rapes our ****** abuse
our ****** assaults
why do we have to always say but its not everyone
its implied
why can't we just be allowed to walk home
without always feeling cautious
why cant we go to parties alone
why can't we just live alive
in our beautiful bodies
and not be hated.
I can't wait for the men to heal
and for the women to heal and
that maybe one day
the world can be a better and safer
place for us
and for all of the future woman
all I know is
the amount of violence that exists
makes me so so angry and so hurt
I wanna turn away
I wanna look away
but I can't because its my own face
staring back at me
begging me to tell our story
begging me to feel my anger
my anger at all the men
that made so many aspects of my life
very messed up for a very long time
that I still cry about every single **** day
of my life
for a very long time
and I when I didn't cry
I drank I numbed
for the pain
that I felt  
for the shudders
I felt in my body
when I felt the men objectify me
abuse me  use me violate me
hurt me in the worst ways possible ,
it is  a pain no human should ever experience.

For in my religion
it is taught
that women are blamed for everything
for every **** thing
and still we must be submissive
and they tell me" that this is life".

No I always yelled
it seems like slavery,
so I yelled I fought with my voice,
just to be woken up to see the non religious world ,
a pretty bad place as well .
So I guess this is my silent but loud cry.

My whole life
I felt so much shame in my whole being
like I was born wrong
that everything about me was so wrong
because I was born into a family
where I never recieved love attachment or true joy
where I was always picked on bullied and harrassed by
pretty much everyone in my life.
Where everytime I felt my dysphoria
I felt wrong
Iike it was wrong to feel like a girl
but wanna be a boy at times ...
but now that I am healing myself
I see that there is nothing wrong with who I am
that I am beautifully made
and that I am just different in my own way
and that is beautiful ,
I am a person who thinks for myself
who has always questioned it all
and that's why I was able to leave a super opressive religion
and hometown.
It's been my saving grace.
Someone who is super creative
who has a super big heart and soul
who feels so many many things
so when others even in a well intended way
try to tell me that I am non binary or something like that
or queer,
the labels don't feel like they  fit me,
because I am who I am
and I don't like labels,

I am learning to not  judge myself
but to just accept myself,

that I have a right to exist
to live a good beautiful life
of my own choosing
to learn that I am powerful by just being me
by just existing,
and that there was never anything wrong with me
I AM Who I AM.

Its like I can't get your face
out of my head
its like you haunt me ,
it haunts me
how you violated me
in your bed
naked
without ever caring
to listen to my no's!!

While having to go about  the next day,
like nothing else happened
that it had occurred yet again,
although this time
it had left its mark on my  face
that I am still battling all  these months later.

A reminder to myself
to not trust easily anymore!
To NEVER  Allow  Any "MAN" to ever disgrace me again,
to never allow anyone to ever take advantage of me,
and my kindness again!
To never allow myself to hookup with someone again!
To never ever doubt myself
And to always listen to myself!

So as I see your face in my mind
I curse at you,
and all of the pain that you have given me,
and all of its sorrow.

because it hurts so so deeply
and the fear carasses  at my bones

It seems like the tales in my heart
are mired in my soul
scars on my body
are basically just tales of
intense violent mysogony
what I realized
was that  my femininity is not what I hate
its the longing to feel safe
to feel okay
in my womaness
to not equate my womanhood with violence.
        
I am healing
I am working on separating this
on healing the patterns of violence
that I was brought into this world with
from a violent man known as my father
and the men in my family
I feel the anger in my heart
that I have always carried and pointed towards myself
now all I listen to is metal music
and I feel so much comfort
in this music ,
that explains my emotions in words that I can't even describe,
What hurts more
is that I overlooked so many good men
because of the way that my violence,
has painted me into a corner
in my mind.
This is why I choose my healing
above all else.
When we are so mired in our pain
We can barely see that our HELL  is HELL,
because part of us thinks  that it will always be that way!


I called you crying my tears running down my face
waterfalls of pain,
runny mascara,
In the back of an ambulance
you my brother told me,
you were sorry
but to stop talking
because it hurt you ,
and you were too busy to come
help me!
Well guess what
there was NO ONE  ever to help me !!!!!!

I instead had to sit there in the hospital all alone
With nothing to my name
but Police records
Empty faces
pitying looks
And **** kits
I was too bruised too move,
There are some things one can't forgive
and this is one of them.

What's worse is this man who abused me ,
was like all the others
who preach modesty!

Why not preach kindness ,
love
equality
seeing women as equal,
as worthy of everything that you have
just because you have a *****,
doesn't make you better than me !!!!

One man who abused me called me
his femme fatale,
oh Hunny,I am worse than that if you mess with me!

I think for so long
I have been more afraid of myself ,
than anyone else
for the rage that is held inside of me
is enough to build buildings with !

So instead of telling you
TO GO  FUCKKKKK Yourself ,
which I have already done
to one of the abusers that I  had met  before,
I will say I remember it all
and my body doesn't forgive!

As the jewish new year comes around
in a few weeks,
I can count on my fingers all the sins that
all these horrific monsters of men
did to me ,
because men like these,
they aren't real men
they are monsters who pertend to be men.

I remember
how I begged the friends to come to my party
at the age of 21
how I faked my  smile in the pictures,
how I feigned joy
to cover up my deep pain ,

I remember my cold birthday
at the age of six
watching television
without any heat,
as the mice crawled near my feet
I remember the burning
the lonlieness
the longing
of wanting
companionship
some love.

Looking back
I chased all my friends
many of them weren't so enthusiastic at times.

I did this my whole life
I didn't know,
that I didn't need to starve
to be fed.

I am still learning,
the other day someone complimented me,
I was literally  shocked,
because it has happened so rarely to me,
that I felt so much joy and love in my heart.
that kind people exist,
and than I cried about that deeply inside ,
about this notion this fact.

At my past birthday
the" friends " that I had there,
kind of ignored me
went off to smoke,
and I had to beg them to take my pictures.

I just feel so much disgust
in my heart and soul.

When I saw her the other day,
all I wanted to do was spit in her  face
and yell "FK You Btch ,"
you didn't deserve even
one ounce of my fking presence.

Instead all I did was glare deeply at her
and she the cowardess  that she is ,
wouldn't even look at me
or ever apologize.

Now I may be alone
but I am choosing myself!

My people My places
And My life .
I am choosing
I get to have Choice.

I wish I could tell you
when you looked at me with eyes of pity
to not pity me,
because I've been through so much ,
and I don't want pity
I wish I could share with the people in the room,
my stories,
the stories that I leave out
the stories
of mourning
the stories of grieveing
the stories
of how I lift myself up each day
some days its harder
and some days its a bit easier
how I cry almost every day
how much I mourn a family that I never truly had
how much I wish I could go back to all the toxic people
that I left
for I am so lonely and longing for love and connection
but I don't because I value myself
more
how much I dissacociate each day
how much the hunger inside of me
aches and consumes,
trying to be dulled by addictions,
aches to be seen loved touched valued
seen
to be complimented on something  other than just how I look,
to be cuddled,
without being sexualized
how deep my feelings are
how much I want friends
even just one
how much I wish I had the money
to travel
to sit at beautiful restruants,
and to pertend I live a different life
but instead I sit and I do my best
to not overshare or trauma dump
and to laugh off the things that hurt me
the things that have made me so bitter and cynical
instead I am always wishing hoping
and working towards a better life for myself
for I don't know any other way .
How much I yearn to sit with a mother
that I truly love
that is truly kind to me
that I know would do anything for me
how much I yearn for a father
that i know that could support me
that If I would call on the phone and cry to him
that he would do anything to help me
that would hold my hand and keep me safe
how much I long for to have a sister a brother
that  would be my best friend in the world
that would  respect me and care about me
and my pain
but instead I have no one
I am not looking for pity
I am looking for understanding
for a longing
of peace
that I don't have to spend another night crying,
in my bed all alone,
in a foreign country
all alone,
each time I sleep
I remember more trauma
that I forgot
of the men who hurt me in public,
and no one cared
or even asked me If I was okay .
so when people ask me
why do you have such a negetive view on life,
because I have met such horrible people
but still I am trying ,
constantly trying,
today I went out,
spoke with some people,
smiled instead of cried,
and tried to cloak my words with laughter and hopefulness
so they wouldn't see the tears that hide behind my eyes
that cry all the time.

As I walked down the bridge between masada street and balfour
I saw you pass by,
the gurl who i met
a month ago ,
who I thought was the cutest
chick,
who told me she was from germany
and I gleefuly replied
my great grandparents lived there ,before the war.

As we were talking
I realized her boyfriend had been flirting with me the past two weeks or so,
without ever telling me that he was taken,
which angered me so, I  felt like the world closed in on me.

she bought me a beer we had our laughs
than she left me there tipsy, with my drink in  hand
to run off with her boy toy of a boyfriend ,
in a crowd filled with  people...
the next day she messeged me sayin'
do you wanna hange out?
I said nope I won't hang out with a btch
who leaves me drunk and alone in a crowd full of noise angst and chaous,
and as I saw you today
all I can think of is that,
and a friendship that could've been
but thank god it just wasn't .

Suddenly its here
I sent the letters
that I always wanted to send
to the schools that
bullied me
to the place
that didn't care
about my ****** assault
I sent them letters today
finally after all these years
but not from a place of terror
or victim hood
but from a place of transmutation
of taking pain
and transforming it
to make these places
safer healthier more loving places
for other women.
Healing is possible
never allow anyone
to tell you that it isn't .
Be the you
that your inner child has always needed.

my whole life
i spent searching for you
for a love that would save my life
for someone to save me
from myself
from my pain
from my sorrorw
now I realize the love has been there for me all along
the love within myself
I realized I was always waiting for someone else
to give me permission to allow me
to live the life that
I want to live
the only permission that I need is my own
and what I realized was
that my greatest fear came true
but not in a bad way
I was always so afraid of being all alone
without friends or family
and I am
and eventhough it is hard sometimes
it is not as scary as I thought
its actually a blessing
to learn who I am
to learn how to heal myself
how to start accepting myself
loving myself and listening to myself
and my wants and my needs first
before anyone else's
to learn to proritize myself
many people when they are dying say
I wish I would've listened to myself more
and lived the life of my own choosing
I think this should be the goal before anything else
for in this body
we only live once
so the more I listen
the more I see
that life can be so beautiful
in its simplicity
in the present moments
of  a slower life.

I struggle so deeply
to feel at home in my body,
all I feel when I look at my chest
is all of the men that used me like a doll
of my mom shaming me in my head
for my *******
and how "provocative " I am
for just existing,
for society sexualizing me,
for all the women that hated me for my body/looks,and objectified me
and all the men that "loved"  me /used me just for my body and sexualized me
with their eyes.

It hurts  so deeply to feel so violated  all the time
it echoes in my mind,body and soul
all the repeated violations words, looks and all the aching laughter,
the way everyone  in my family
sexualized me since I was a child,
so intern I internalized all the hatred to my body and my chest.

I just wander if these people  truly understand
how much their actions truly affect others,
how deeply I suffer with complex post trauma all the time
and dysphoria sometimes,
from the deep pain of ****** violence

when I truly look at it all,
its not even wanting to be a man
so much so , as wanting to be seen as a person.

who is worthy of being heard,
not because I am pretty ***** or curvy
or hot or ****,
but because I am smart I am strong
I am  impressive  and resiliant
have a beautiful mind
and I am not just how I look
or how I present.

My whole life I was influenced and taught to believe
that my only value as a women
was my looks,
or to be chosen by a  man or by my society,
and to exist as a  baby making machine,
while not complaining or being "too much ".
That I shouldn't show my body too much , & that I should always look good 24/7,like I am a doll of some kind, instead of a human being.

How my body was the reason for men sinning
and how I would go to hell for my thoughts or behaviors
if I wasn't perfect.

Now I am realizing none of that truly matters,
and I don't wanna live the rest of my life
chasing validation,
or feeling like I need others approval to feel whole inside,
I wanna accept who I am
love who I am
and like myself for who I am,
and not just for my looks or for my body or sexuality,
but for who I am down to my core
the good and the seemingly bad imperfections
to feel safe in myself and that is beautiful to just be me
without needing to put on a show for anyone.

You make me
wanna write poems about you
You have been on my mind for so so long
probably because you were honestly
one of the most handsomest men
I've ever met in my life
that was so so my type
and the funniest thing was
that at the time
I never realized that
We met in Jerusalem
I thought you were gay
because you were so beautiful
the most gorgeous hair
the most beautiful eyes
that I could get lost in
forever
the most beautiful  earrings
we sat on the bed
in your room with all your plants
and pleasured me
I dream of you all the time
we sat on my bed and spoke about
concioussness in hebrew
it seemed fluent on my tongue
when I was with you
I held your curls close to my face
carrassed your hair
stared into your eyes
with lashes so long
you walked to me barefoot
and asked me how you looked
and I told you handsome
you are always so handsome I said
it seemed fate brought us togehter
how weird that was.

You told me how beautiful I was
and that you didn't need anything from me
just to hold me and kiss me
maybe it was because eventhough
you were probably a bit of a player
you showed me that a man can be
romantic sweet and a pretty boy
who is deep
and that people like you exist
so I don't know what this poem is about
but I wander about you
so much
I hope maybe we will meet again
in another metaverse
or down the streets of Florentine
or Dizengoff Telaviv
I wander what that would be like
I love the pretty boys
I try to convince myself
that I am always just gay
but I gotta admit
I love the pretty boys
the ones who are deep kind
have a great fashion sense
and love to strum a guitar
the men that I was always taught not to like
that they weren't "man" enough
but to me they are
because I think real men are kind
loving sweet and beautiful .

I sometimes wish
I didn't feel
the way that I do
but we met
the other night
for the first time
we met because
we are both lonely
in a new town
and we both wanted more friends
from the moment we talked
I felt my body pulse
for you
which for me
that is quite a rare occasion
especially for a man
I walked to the coffee shop on friday night
and I see you with your dark curls
jeans
and as I got closer
I thought wow he is so so handsome
how can he just be my friend??
As we spoke more and more
throughout the night
I felt more and more pulled towards you
as you cared more and more about me
as we saw that we view the world in such a similar way
your a man
who feels his feelings
we spoke about crying to music
about feelings mental health and heartbreak
and now I am unsure of what to do
or how you feel
I know I am not at all ready for a relationship
or anything else
but all I know is
that I want you
and from what I can see
your insides are just as beautiful
as your outsides.

All I remember since living here
the past 3 years
is mostly lots and lots of hardships
I wonder to myself
is this all worth it?
I just don't know anymore ...

As I sit here crying all by myself
the pain of my life
just gets to me
everyday feels like a year ,
I've lost so much in my life
yet I still see the good in it
I guess, 
that it was worth it .

But when i interact with others
I just wish that I could have a family
that I could speak to,
or even just one good friend.

I don't think that's asking for so much ...
I checked my brother's Instagram today
after months of not,
and I wish I still didn't care
after the ways he has abused me so,
but I do
I worry
looking at his shaven head and his gaunt body
to the brother who was once
my best friend in this whole world,
the one that I felt,
loved me no mater what ,
but turns out that this was never love
it was abuse and trauma bonds,
which is reflected in the way that he now appears,
as this scary looking gangster man,
who cares more about money& his ego
than loving and caring about others.

And I just ask myself why??

But I think it was always this way
or maybe it wasn't ,
Life just feels so painful
in some moments .

I just so badly wish
that I didn't feel anything in my heart,
I feel so often
that I wasn't born for this world,
I am just so extremely sensitive
and I love with such a big heart,
that I remember every single fling
I had, and I still love every man who cuddled with me
and hugged my little heart so tight :(
To know that the ones that I loved
could care less about me,
bleeds with a soul knife
that  just likes to taunt me
all the time
with its memories.

For all of my life
I have been plagued with something
that I didn't know the name of
and than when I grew up
and I came to know what the name was
it all felt wrong to me
and I wanna speak my truth
but I fear for my words
for others
will label me as hateful
when really I wanna share it
because I think
healing is powerful and its possible
I am trying to own my truth
and not care what others think or say
from the time I was a child
I experienced lots of harrassment and violence
which i internalized to mean
that it was because I was a woman
so its like half of me loves feminine things
and the other half of me  just wants to be a man
so often
When I look at her she feels afraid
because they told her growing up
to shut up and be silent
to cook clean and be still
and that never quenched her spirit
so in my life
I have always done the hard things
I am choosing to sit with myself
to learn how to accept myself more
for I know that if i were to transition
or to slap a label on myself
I would just keep on hiding my true self
and I would always try to be something that I am not
so even though at times it hurts deeply
only really because of the mysogonoy
that I still see around me and experience at times
I will still choose to sit in my life
and I am still choosing to heal myself
and to have hope
that I am getting better little by little
I wish more voices like mine
can be heard
without being labeled
as hateful
for I don't hate
I understand there is a real lack of knowledge
out there in the world
and people like me
who don't fit the perfect mysognistic box of how women
are suppose to be
should be embraced and held instead of judged
this is my truth
and I have been longing to make it heard
for a very long time.

How funny life is
Ain't it
Come to the cafe
Where I met you all this months ago
But yet not a word is spoken
I pertend as if I don't known you
For the horror of betrayal
Of being cast aside
Rejected
Hurts too much
I notice
How people
Act when they want to be polite
But I won't be anymore
Instead I'll just stare
And write
I don't own you a smile.
I don't owe anyone
My self respect.

I feel so much pain inside
knowing that you are married
I literally couldn't see
how horrible you were to me
because you would mask it
with fake kindness
and because as a women
I was more trained to see that coming
from a man than from someone who was a close friend to me
you met me at such a vulnerable hard period of my life
I had just moved to a foreign country
I met you at a shabbat meal
we bonded over food
at first when we met
I was so attracted to you
I thought you were so beautiful to me
because in those moments you were .
We would go out drinking and partying
and although you were the religious one
you would party harder than me
I remember how so many times you would
leave me for dead
when we were around strange men
in the bars
and I would beg you to stay
to not leave me
I was so drunk I could barely move
and you didn't care
you only cared about having fun
and not about me
so because of you I experineced
so much violence.
I remember how I cried in those stairwells
begging him to stop
how I felt robotic
how you left me all the time
while promising to come back
how you would treat me like dirt
leave me on red
and make up some excuses for why
you are a shtty human ...
now honestly ,
You never once said I am sorry
until I begged it out of you,
you would talk to my roommates
who bullied me viciously,
became their friends
and even rented that apartment
in that house after I moved out
I saw that you got married
and although I would like to feel happy for you
all I feel for you is so much hate anger
and so much immense pain
I don't know why it took me so long
to see how much of a horrible person you are
a wolf in sheep's clothing
and soon you will move back here
and if I ever do see you again
I would love to spit in your face
and say Fk You!
No more to letting people walk all over me
and do as they please
I don't wanna care about being liked anymore
I'd rather be myself be safe and be around those
who actually see for who I am
instead of using me
for their own jealous gain.
Many times the ones who are the worst
are the ones closest to you
that you can't even see
now I am learning to trust the subtle red flags that I feel
when I meet someone so I don't meet a person like you again.

Its' like each time
I dream
I see more and more
of me
of who I am experiencing
and who I was
trapped stuck in the time
see what they don't tell you about
healing
is that
trauma makes you frozen in time
as you heal
you literally remember more of who you are
you have moments of peace and less dissacoiation
you start to feel your body more
in my dreams
I go places
many times I am escaping
trying to be somewhere else
so many times
in real life  
it feels as if I am being choked alive
as if my words don't matter
and I have lost the words to speak
I feel trapped in a time dimension
of space
of my fears
and pains .
I have always felt that I
experience this world differently
like I see things before they happen
like I percieve things differently
like I am an alien human
when I speak with animals
I feel like I belong
when I am sitting in nature
feet on the grass
staring at the brilliant
blue sky
I feel one
with all
I feel like myself
when I stare into cat's eyes
I feel like
I am staring into the universe
for we are all
at its core
love
creation energy
the universe
I know it sounds cheesy
but the more I heal
the more I find
that this is the truth
I used to believe
that people didn't like me
so that is what I was shown
in the world
now I feel my heart
starting to open up again
and I notice how more women
seem  to smile at me
in the streets
for it is all a projection .

I feel like most people
really don't understand me.
It feels really hard
most people drain me
most places drain me
It feels hard to be alive
most of the time
because I feel like
I'm from a different planet earth.
I feel like my soul is not from here,
I care about things that most
don't care about.
I feel at peace with sci fi
which  I definitly believe
is real
in other realities...
I believe in spirituality
not as a fantasy ,but as reality
when people pollute the earth
and I see it in real life,
It feels like my soul is crying inside.
I love animals especially cats,
I feel that they understand me and see my pain
without words,just a knowing.
I feel like everything is art
good and bad.
I feel traumatized
from everyone and everything.
I just feel like an alien
I don't know how to be human,
most of the time.

I just wanna feed  the animals& sing to them
grow my children to love themselves
fully &truly.

I would just love to meet people
who truly see me,
who don't wanna use me ,
or see me as a threat or competition
because of the way that I look.

I just feel tired
just so tired,
no matter how much I sleep.
I feel tired of this reality,
I wish I could escape!

what if
we get to be happy
we get to get what we want
what if we can choose to be ourselves
to live life out loud
yesterday
as I danced on the dance floor
and I saw all of the old men
that I used to like
I didn't feel anything at all
just a joy that i chose myself
over them
that I get to dance
and live my beautiful non religious life
that I chose for myself
that in so many ways
I chose peace over terror
over chaous over drama
I chose myself
over my traumatic past
I chose me
over the men
who hurt me and used me
I chose me
over the girlfriends who used me and abused me
I choose to listen to myself
when I feel the vibes are off
I choose me
over the bad
I choose me always
I choose my inner child's joys
I choose to look weird
and to feel happier
I choose to dance in the streets
from joy
from the beautiful music
swimming through my veins
I am choosing to heal myself
my life and my traumas
I am choosing to believe
in the goodness of the world
of people
even though for so long
I have mostly only seen and noticed
the darkness
the bleakness of life
I feel aged inside as if I have lived thousands of years
of darkness
who is finally waking up to something else
to choosing something new
perhaps for the first time
who is choosing to end cycles of pain
that has been in my bloodlines for so long
I choose for me
I choose to live with more gratitude
I choose to cry
I choose to feel
I choose to breathe
I choose to believe  
I choose to see
how beautiful the journey
can be.
I choose.

its like one side of me feels so frozen from trauma
it hurts to breathe
to shed myself
from pain
the depth of confusion
and stillness
that leaks inside of me
and outside
of the walls inside of me
been suffering for a while
but it feels hard
but softer at the same time.

I remember
how much I loved you and wanted you
but I couldn't ever express it
and I was always taught that it was wrong
to love a girl
like I did
when I was so young
it still rings in my mind
trying to convince me to feel shame
but I know that what I felt for you was real
and I can't ever share it with you
or know if you ever felt the same
for you are married
and you hurt me in such a deep way
but I still miss you so so much
I always wanted to be you and to be with you
you were always so so beautiful to me
I have always tried to get over you
but maybe a childhood love
is hard to get over
you were the one who made me
find the word
that I know was my truth
that maybe I am bisexual
now I try to not label myself
for this label too has caused me pain
I love souls I love energy
I love people
I am trying to forgive you and to let this pain go
and maybe one day we will talk again soon.

Its so crazy to realize
that my whole life
I was deluded
by others perceptions of me
and I still never changed or shifted
from my internal compass.

That I was brought up to believe
that I as a women
is less than

that I am a women is a" slave "
to the patriarchy
to how men perceive me.

As I deconstruct my old religious ideologies,
I see how the truth was lying right there "hidden" in plain sight,

how they have tried to erase the Divine Feminine
but still we rise like a phoenix out of the ashes.

I knew that religion and I were never a good fit
seems my questions were right after all,
seems my inner knowing was right after all
always
is and will be,
see they try to keep us small ,
so that we don't recognize & realize our power
in who we are as women
equal to men,
and different in our ways
for the dark feminine
is different than the  masculine.

I remember when my brother would laugh at me
and mock me
and say that I am fat
& that I am "masculine"

when really I am just powerful
curvy and strong
and a man like him,
who is so deeply wounded
can't see how me as a human being
is just as important as he is
So I will use my voice
to call out
to be the voice for women
to be the voice of my child
that  was mutilated in pain
from the men in my life
who could care less
about my screaming.

this world is a portal
we are but specks of dust
living within it
reality is but a figment
of imagination
numbers
colors
learn to heal
and infuse focus
with what you want
you see
reality is
what you make it .

It first
started
as  a whisper in the night
in the dark
maybe just maybe
theres a way out
of this darkness
a light at the end of the tunnel
maybe just maybe
I can actually heal myself?
maybe just maybe
I can create a life
of my desire
and so with time she chose herself
over and over again
through her pain
through her sorrow
through all of the men who left her beaten
and broken off the side of the road
beaten beyond words beyond comprehension
how much the pain caused her
how much the violation the violence
broke her so deep
like shards of glass
tormenting her
insides ,
of  how the men hurting her
hurt her soul
broke her soul so deeply
that it felt like her heart would bleed
literal blood all of the time,
Through the sorrow
of other women choosing men over her
and throwing her into the arms of violent men
to be tortured by those men
yes I have lived through all of this and worse
and yet I have learned to choose myself
through it all
to stand tall
to not allow them to see you falter
so next time someone tells you
that you don't have choice
I say I beg to differ
humans always have a fking choice!

I have claimed my rightful place in this land
by the strength of my own two feet
and I choose healing
each day of my life
to heal myself for me
for my ancestors
and for all of those who come after me
although the journey is not done
I choose it for me
and for myself.

what this culture taught me here
is beauty in simplicity
in being ourselves in wearing jeans and graphic tees
barefoot partying
in loving life despite the chaos and pain surrounding us
in strength in unity and in the pulsing heat
and the clammer and fast paced hebrew life
and in the immense  amount of beauty in this
land  
that I can now proudly call my home.

I stand alone in the crowd
Surrounded by couples and friends
Barely anyone speaks or notices me
It's like I don't really exist
Like I'm just not there
It has happened so much
You would wonder that I'm not used to it by now
One girl talks to me
And just laughs at everything I say
I'm trying to see it as maybe she was just awkward like me
But it's hard not to feel that she wasn't just laughing at me
I'm trying so hard to get over the shame
And rejection that I feel for myself
And I push myself to go outside
But it feels so so hard
And I kinda figure what's the point
But ik that I spend enough time alone
And in my house by myself
So I am trying
Another one makes a joke about me getting
Lost alone
I just don't understand
Why people are the way they are
I know I maybe don't know it all
But I just don't quite understand.

shame
shame
shame
shame
why is it
that I feel you all day
its like every moment
your shrinking in the back of my mind
wanting me to collapse for you
but no
I absolutley  refuse to
its like the shadows
I feel ashamed that
I feel mostly gay
but I crave a man's touch
but that I feel my attraction is very different towards men
than the way that society tells me that it should be
I just feel so much shame still
that I am so different than others
and while I am working so so hard
on loving and accepting myself
the shame aspect comes up
it feels so hard
so I coddle myself in my shame
and try to embrace it
knowing that with time
it will fade away.

I remember
walking drunk
like a robot in the dark
smelling like  a mix of sweat and whiskey
he stuck his hands inside of me
and wouldn't let go
and I cried
and screamed .

But my friend had left
and the world felt so dark
and it smelled like darkness,
its scenes in my mind
that I wish,
that I could erase,
all I could hear in my mind
are his words his smell
his body
a few moments of release
have mired in my mind
so much trauma
what I would give to erase my past
my moments of tortured silence
what's more is I hate the woman
who left me there
I hate her with a pain so deep
it feels like venom in my soul
similar to how my mother used to abuse me as a child
I wish my poetry
wouldn't sound good
when I write
I wish it could show you
how much I longed to slit my wrists
from the time I was a child
form the pain
that felt embedded in my soul
although life is much better now
I still sometimes meet men
who think that my body belongs to them
and each time the slightest touch
or stare or word
I feel so violated
I feel like I'd rather
be dead
than live another day as a woman
my whole life I have never wanted to be one
because of the violence
I have experienced
nevertheless I am working on accepting my body
my gender that I was born with
and working on healing my wounds
of violence that still feel so deep inside of me
I am choosing to treat myself  with so much love
may it out weight
the violence that I have experienced
and that all of the women before me have experienced
maybe instead of saying allow people to transition
we ask them why has the world become such a violent place
towards us women
that we don't wanna be women anymore
I know its a question I have  asked  myself
so often
and I still do

I call back my power
from everyone and everything
that tried to humble me
Today I walked across the street
and gave the angry looks to everyone who tried to
objectify me
people
think that magic is all light
but im here to tell you
that is a lie
in fact it is quite dark
I am tired of the fake positivity
of everyone pertending
in delusions
work towards what you want
but allow your hatred and pain
to transform you
to consume you
to help you
heal your wounds
and empower you to never become like your opressors
use your darkness
don't hide from it.

I think about you when I touch myself
I remember the way you touched my heart
the way your hair felt in my hands
the way you kissed my cheek
and the way you flirted with me
I wish I wasn't so sensitive
and I could just forget you.

my whole life
I always dressed up
was obsessed with how i looked
and now today
I walked down the street
looking at myself
and I thought wow I'm pretty,
but why does it matter so much??

why does it matter if others are more or less
beautiful than I am?
I think
I was taught that my whole worth
was in how i looked
now I am starting to see
that there is so much more to me
than how I look
there is a  soul
a creative mind
a  flawed human being,
learning to dress in many ways
much simpler
with less of a rush and a fuss
is so healing.

I believe that spending so much time alone
while  it is very hard is very important ,
to learn that so much ,
of what we are taught is so important ,
is really very much not,
and the good thing is that people really don't care.

I am working on learning
that who I am is not dependent ,
on if he likes me
or if she wants me
but in the internal worth and love
and acceptence ,
that I carry within myself
and that it is so much easier,
to blame the world for our issues
and it doesn't mean that
others aren't at fault ,
but there are always two people at play here ,
I've realized the mistakes I have made in my life,
I am learning from them,
learning how to trust myself
I think this is the greatest gift of all.

its like I think of you
and your here with me,
right beside me
again,
you passed when I was so young ,
yet looking back
I think you were the only one
who truly gave me love ,
for that I am so grateful ,
you made the darkest childhood and life
a bit brighter ,
you showed me that you can be spiritual without religion
you showed me art
you showed me crystals
you showed me hugs
you paid for my sewing class
I cry for you so often
these days ,
I miss you so much
I look at your picture everyday ,
I hope your in a better place in heaven
for I know you suffered so much in this life,
I hope you are proud of me,
I wish I could tattoo you in my heart
you were more of a mother to me
than my mother ever was
you were so beautiful
I miss you so much my Babi.

And somehow
My mind goes back to two summers ago
My mind seems to always go back there
I don't really know why
Maybe it was because
I was in love with you
At that time
And I didn't really know why...

I remember sitting at the bar
In Florentine
without knowing a soul,
I looked  across the bar
and I see you there
with your dark skin
your impish smile
and your curly hair,
you smiled to me and offered me a drink
and to hang with your friends
I took you home with me
and we went out for a month
I remember waking up
to the smell of cigarettes,
and קפה שחור חזק-(black strong  coffee)
and smoke flying all  around you ,
I don't know why
but all I think of is you
still all this time later...
I haven't gone back to that home
that I lived in
,two years ago
a city away
for that time in my life,
had so much pain and addiction in it
but I still have so many fond memories of that place
so I think one day soon I'll go back
to the coffee shops in florentine,
to the parks that I used to sit in
and dream about life
to the bars I used to drink in
to melt the pains away ,
to the bar I used to go to ,
when I met you
and to the bomb shelter
that I stayed in
as the bombs flew past me,
yes Israel has been hard
but I forget  sometimes ,
that it also has lots of beautiful memories
in it too,
like meeting you
and your beautiful Ethopian,
frame face and culture
opening my mind
and showing me how dark
racisim can be
and what a beautiful soul
you are,
That race doesn't matter
And that beautiful souls do.
I have learnt so much from you
David
So when I saw the Ethopians protesting this week
About the ****** of a small child,
I remembered you
In my apartment
In Telaviv
That eve,
And how close I felt to you
With your dark eyes
Your dark smile
And your cigarette  breath
And coffee smells.

I think
I am starting to see
perceptions
I see that I do love israel
eventhough
it has taught me some hard lessons
but they were lessons that I needed to see
sometimes life must break you
in order to grow you
I love how the people care about each other
in times of need
how people smile at you on the street
how old israeli grandmothers
will treat you as their own
how we treat each other as family for good or bad
how life is authentic here
and how we don't bullsht each other
life is refreshing crazy and intense here
and there are things that I hate
and that things that I can't stand
but there are also so many beautiful things here
how people love their family here
how there are so many animals here
how we live in a beautiful country
with so many beautiful beaches
towns rivers streams
nature spots
and laughter of chidren
sparkling throughout the air.
How walking down the street
I hear arabic hebrew russian and sometimes english as well.
How despite how the world portays us
we work together in peace
and especially where I live in Israel
we all live in peace
how in times of trouble we get together
to protest we don't just stand by
and allow things to go on,
how we are so strong
how we hold each other when we cry,
how we care about one another
how we yell at each other
one minute
and the next we are laughing together!
This is my home
Israel and Palestine.

rebuilding my life apart from the toxicity
every time i listen to myself
cook myself a meal
spend a day in peace and harmony
knowing i don't have to deal with treachery anymore
healing is in the small things

Hunger
raw
inside
my stomach churns
it seems i can't ever get it to stop
to be satisfied
with the food that I feed it
feel so much fear around food
around eating
am I eating too much
or too little
will it make me fat
will it heal me
will it make me sick
all I know is since the age of five
I was put on diets
for my "health"
and my stomach would ache
and I would cry and scream
I remembered today
the wounds
how I would go to bed hungry
how I was threatened that if I didn't behave
I wouldn't eat
how I would store the candies
in my drawer
how me and my brother made a game out of it
how I would take the candies from my mom's purse
how my mom would eat it and would tell me that I couldn't
how my brother would cry out at night
from hunger.
I see patterns
calling out from the depths of my internal darkness
wanting to be heard and seen
maybe others see me today
and think that I eat too much
because I am no longer a size zero
more like a size 10
but really what they don't know is
how much I struggle each day
to feed myself
how much of a joy and healing it is
for me to buy myself cookies
and eat them
to enjoy them
I would love to live in  a world without diet culture
but alas I am working
on setting myself free
slowly
from its clasps.

I wear the badge of honor on my chest,
saying I've been through hell and back
and I'm still living,
some say
that when they've looked into my eyes
they see an undeniable strength
and deep intense pain
so what do I say to that ,
I say that is truth.
But maybe I wanna stop having to feel that
my victim stories
are all who I am
because they are not,
I am only now starting to find myself
at 26 it feels so late in a way
its so hard to relate to many people

I feel like the  small talk
makes escape feel easy
or hard whichever way you wanna see it
I feel like I wanna just run again
change my name
so I forget my family
so I forget the religion
that brought me up
to shame myself
my body
my sexuality
and to make me hate my gender
of being a women
when will we stop allowing others
to teach our children hatred
I wanna be a force of fire
in the world
a fire to eradicate the abuse
the hurting the pain
to be the voice of the voiceless
maybe my poetry
helps someone I don't know
maybe this is why I write
real pain exists in the world
but it doesn't end there ,
I am healing ,
but the road can be quite rocky at times
so I wear my battle scars
as a badge of honor
to know I've made it this far
so I can go on
for more
for longer
to hold out for hope
that things will get better and improve.

this universe is a hologram
a computer game
program it with what it wants.

maybe mirrors
show us what we want and don't want to see
we heal and it reflects back to us differently.

maybe it wasn't just the men
in my life
maybe everyone likes to project
and hate
maybe its about evil human beings
and gender doesn't matter
maybe I can view life in a different manner
and see yes good men good women
good people exist.
Detached from ideologies
the world looks  a bit brighter.

naseu confusion
drinking wine to numb the lonlieness
crying myself to sleep
with my lonlieness
the memories haunt my mind
feel triggered from it all
feel trapped in my mind in my body
but I just wanna be free.

מלמעלה אני רואה את הכל אבל פתאום נשבר לי הלב עם כל הכוחות שיש לי ואין לי מה לעשות עם זה

From above I see everything, but suddenly my heart breaks with all the strengths that  I have and I can't do anything about it.

as I watch the protests from within
tearing down my streets my people
I have come to love and hate this country all at once
but in times of trouble and pain
the israeli people are my family
I feel my heart breaking all over again
but as well I remember the tears and blood
of the palestianians blood that is still fresh upon
the same land for the past 75 years of terror
see people think that its just the land of israel or palestine
but no its been a land of conflict and pain for a long while
a place where the greatest demons fears and patriarchial patterns
play out
I think that's why its one of the centers of the world
probably the only place.
You can feel the energies burning through seething
I can't explain it
only the ones who feel connected to this place
feel it
its as if the land cries
along with its people
the scorching sun
lights afire
and the people are on fire
for life for good or bad
I know that this place will prevail on
in some way
my place
my israel
my falestine
my middle east.

loving a woman feels like poetry feels like the sunrise on the coldest night feels like warmth and pleasure from the divine it feels like softness like love like lust like being in love with your best of friends like closest connections like feeling the spirit of the divine feminine coursing through me all at once it makes me feel alive and the happiest to be me .

I look at my student
and she literally looks like me
the same as I looked
when the abuse in my life
started
all i want to do
is hug this child and tell her
that I love her
I know it's not me
But I see so much of me in her
when i hug my student
I feel like
I am hugging myself
she is so quiet
with beautiful eyes
I told her that her eyes are beautiful
and she said
why I said because you are...
I believe children are so so healing
and such amazing souls!