I think for so long
I blamed israel
for all of my pain adn existence
when really it was me
just healing lots of trauma patterns in my life
I want to look at my life through a different lense
I still wanna believe to love people
to love my life
I still wanna believe that all is possible for me
and that the words we say are so powerful
so we need to choose them carefully
and see how we create our reality.

I sit in the chair across from her
and I shake
violently
while recalling trauma
she reminds me to breathe
as I start to cry
she tells me how brave I am
but I am still trying to see it in myself
the journey of healing
of crying every single day
many times for hours
crying tears puddles of mascara
all over my sheets
my dolls
my hair
my eyes
tears of bravery of so much pain
that was never expressed
I shake out my trauma my pain
and I let it go finally
I get to breathe and allow myself to
just live breathe
and to slowly know
that it is okay to just live
that I can really just be okay.

I feel the holes inside of me,
The pain of witnessing and knowing unimaginable horrors and destruction feeling hopeless,
The music plays
Of ancient sounds old and new.
I hum along
Read stories of anguish
From a mere three hours away from me,
Divided and separated by language sound, cultural divides and walls.
But not by heart.
Never knew I could feel so much,for those whom,I was taught to hate for whom I was taught are different,
In their humanity.
When no we are all one!
Despite our perceived difference,
We are all human deserving and worthy.
Their anguish I carry along with me,
A brutal reminder to not dehumanize
As the music gets louder
My heart grows softer.

Life gets to be so so beautiful
and amazing
when perspectives shift
and align
anew
blessed beauty you find
within as long as you
are countin' your
Blessings !

Watch your world reappear
as brand new
as below so above
its just the rules of the universe
watch your blessings manifest and appear
easily like magic
life gets to be so amazing,
you just gotta believe in you
and you will soar
higher than you ever
have before !

I'm starting to remember
that despite
so so very much pain in my life,
and so much utter rejection and bullying.

I have met men and some women
who really did accept me
and love me for who I am ,
who appreciated me
who saw me for who I truly was ,
and I remember that,

instead of blaming others for pain ,
we take personal responsiblity
and realize it takes two to tango!

raw
I hug myself
I do the daily practice
of checking my stomach in the mirror
wishing that I just didn't care anymore
trying not to hate my body
I grew from  a size zero to a size 10
I wish that I could say that I accept it
and that I love it
I have moments where I feel pretty or okay sometimes
but usually not
usually I hear my mom's voice in my head plaguing me
telling me" how ugly and provacative I am "in my head
and my brother shouting how" fat  masculine and ****** I am "
and how no man would ever want me
I know hypothetically maybe its not true
but what hurts even more
is living in a country
where people around me
are even thinner than the ones that  I grew up
with,
that's the average ,
its the normal
so wherever I am
I feel like the whale
it hurts it bleeds inside
I just wanna dissapear
I don't want to be someone's side chick
or someone's plan b
I want to be their first choice
I guess I wanna see my own beauty
I wanna love myself more
and I wanna have that true love
that I have dreamed about since I could breathe
because I didn't receive much of that
thing called love where I am from
I mostly just recieved hate and torture
disguised as love
with people who would use the world love
and use it as a weapon
as a dagger to stab into your side
and say well it's "just because
I love you so much !"
well to me that never felt like love
not sure what it feels like from another human
but I know that animals give love
nature gives love
and children are love.
this is what I know.
This is all that I know.

I see displaced empathy around me
it seems the world only wants to care about the palestinans death and horror
empathy cannot and should not just be for once side
for when my people were being burnt and charred to bits
and baked in an oven 3 weeks ago
the world didn't care all that much
and told us we made it up
while still we are weeping
they claim we are lying
while now chanting for our deaths in the streets
is it 2023 or 1933?
I wander if my great grandparents were alive now
what they would think?
Its such a tragedy that so many people care about equal rights
except when it comes to Jews or Jewish children ...
suddenly we are at fault??
so call it what it is
if one can only be sad about certein deaths
and only condemn certein things
it means your empathy is broken
especially if your not even involved in this conflict
I hope humanity can wake up
and reclaim their kindness and goodness.

Everything feels murky and confusing
for so long the feelings about my jewishness
about my longing for this land
and for jewish traditons
holidays and shabbat
has always been lurking in the back of my soul
reminding me
every week
It hurts me I miss it so much
even though there is lots of trauma  involved
in many ways
these were the things that made my childhood
a little bit better
singing  together
all the jewish melodies
eating yummy food
feeling united
having peace in my soul and my heart
lighting Shabbat candles
it was the highlight of my week
hanging with friends
having real conversations
without being with my phone
without feeling distracted and connected all the time
I met you and you have triggered these deep feelings within me
the reminders
of the things I miss so so deeply
for you are traditional
and believe in love
and wow is that different
than how I was raised
maybe the world
and my self isn't black or white
I am tried of supressing myself
even during my kambo ceremony
this came up
and all I could do was sit there and cry my eyes out
about how much I miss shabbat and my jewishness
I hid it all behind my hate
maybe our hate teaches us
what we truly love
but are afraid to admit
to our deepest selves.

Grew up most of my life so dissacioated
as If I was almost  already dead in real life.

I just blocked out  my heart
my mind out of everything,
because the pain of all that was done to me
was  so harsh the body and mind just couldn't  process it:

Now for 3 years all I can do is remember,
and what can I say,
I see why I hid it from myself
for 23 years.

Hell on earth
to be tortured by humans so much
Its like I wonder
DO GOOD KIND HUMANS
exist ?!

Who will treat me with kindness
who won't judge me
or try to use me for their own selfish gains?

So far I have only met very few people like this
and I  just really try to be this way too.
I just don't understand how the pain
hurts so much
its like the more healing I do
the more I see.

The way things truly are,
not how I want them to be
and how ****** cruel
life has been to me.

Yet I know I am here for a greater purpose
and that is why I am still alive,
after wanting to die for such a long time,
I feel that I understand heaven and angels more than
I understand the cruelty and pain of humans
and this 3d reality.

That's why I sit with art and nature
and cats and animals
it feels like they don't judge me
or laugh at me
or expect me to look a certein way
or sound a certin way
or the way my voice quivers when I am feeling anxious
trying to speak hebrew
but feeling so ashamed inside
I just feel like a stranger
everywhere.
I just feel so done inside
for so long
I have tried so hard
if I looked a certein way
had certein  intrests
than I would make friends
but I didn't
they never cared.

So now I am really trying to just be me
fully love myself,
and trust that the right people
will come when they are meant to.

I think
Love is the deepest core of who we are
The more I go on this deep deep journey
Of healing
Of sitting with just myself and my pain
And instead of hating it or wanting to wish it away
I try even for a few minutes a day
To ask it to talk to me
To tell me why it hurts
To feel into it ,
I see the deep dissociation
I have of longing
To be anything else but me
Is an escape mode
I see the depression
As trapped pain ,
I think I am learning to understand
To shift the way I view things
And the world
That when we come into our bodies
Our selves more
We learn we carry truth
We learn we are always connected
We learn that most things can be healed
And helped
If we give it time and love
I've realized that for so long
I was so Uncomftarble
In who I was
That I always wanted to change myself
Now makeup isn't wrong
But I think everything is persepctive
We give it
If we wear it because it's fun that's amazing
If we wear it to hide out true selves
And because of self hatred
Than for me it's something to look at
With love,
I feel so often
We like to throw labels at things
Without understanding
That a whole person is a whole world,
And that to be human is to be it all
And to be messy.
I wish women were granted more of this chance ,
Maybe I can show others
That you can be a woman
And be human
And that we don't need to be or look perfect
We can just be who we are
Human first.

I used to always talk
just to fill the silence
I used to chase people
to talk to them
to condone my lonely heart
now I am learning
to keep myself silent
to be still
that silence is power
that those who speak do so with intention
that being alone is a power
and that being with others is also
and that intention is oh so so important.
with everything
and within it all.

I was taught that beauty is just how you look
how expensive your prada bag is
and if you don't fit in new york
you are a loser
now I see beauty isn't skin deep
its about soul energy kindness that is true beauty
self love self acceptence
of course beautiful faces and bodies are amazing
but if beauty standards are always changing
than beauty must be in one's perspective.

I find my healing
through crying
whaling
sobbing
shouting angry curses
allowing myself to be angry
and rageful at the people
who tortured me
and for so long
I could never feel a **** utter thing.
I could barely ever cry
I would sheild myself from them
now I'm learning to welcome them.

honestly i don't give a f if its controversial
why can't people actually think for themselves anymore?!

I feel so fed up and so angry inside,
maybe to others they think,
why does she care so much ?!
because I was harmed by this ideology
of gender,
of telling me that I am not a women,
of dictating to me who I must be ,
of what labels and what pronouns I should carry ,
that it no longer feels safe to me to be in my own community.

Of brainwashing so many others
no what we need is a more loving society
where women can be loud
without being labled as masculine or non binary
where men can be emotional without being labled as gay
can't you see its just mysogony in another form?

gender ideology
thinks its making strides ,
when its really just erasing women more,
and allowing people to steep more into their self hatred
instead of allowing others to be humans
without giving them labels,
to allow those who struggle with dysphoria
to learn how to love themselves
to sit with their pain ,
to ask why do I feel this way??
what has caused me so much pain to make me hate my gender that I was born into?

For me I realized
I experienced so much violence  by men
that it made me hate being a women in many ways,
I wanted to feel strong
I wanted to feel that my voice mattered
so I thought, sometimes I wanna be a man ,
but after thinking more and more I realized
that isn't the truth,
its that the world doesn't feel safe to me
to be a curvy outspoken women ,
who is loud passionate and blunt.
to feel and recoil inside
when the creepy men stare at me
like I'm a  **** -*** doll on wheels ,
I just wanna scream
from the rooftops
I AM A WOMEN,
Allow me to be FREE!

I left religion because it caged me in a box
and now i see that ideologies are the same.
I encourage you to think for yourself,
despite the cancel culture.
for only then can we know,
who isn't a robot
and who is a human.
Humans have their own thoughts,
robots don't question anything.
so start to question.

Today
AS I walked
I felt the pain
the tears
from years of self hatred
of feeling the pressure to conform
to change my body
my looks all the time
to gain the approval of society
of the "men" around me .
Of hearing my  mother's voice
shouting at me
that I shouldn't eat
so I won't be fat
of forcing myself my whole life
to wear clothing that was uncomftarble
to wear shoes that hurt
so I can be the perfect pallate
for the male gaze
so I could get married off
at a younger age
Today
I looked in the mirror
last night I looked in the mirror
and really saw myself
as a human being
so worthy of love
without needing to always wear makeup
dress up fancy
or cater myself to others wants needs or desires
that I am worthy of love always
that I am so much more
than my good looks
my whole life my looks have been so feteshized
I thought who I was
was how I looked
now it seems
the less I care
the more loved and beautiful I feel
for true beauty
is knowing our worth
and knowing that we are so much more than our looks
So I went out in a bikini yesterday
and I felt the water and the sun on my face
and I felt beautiful
for my body gets to live this beautiful life
no matter if its skinny
or not
I am worthy
no matter what .
What if we decided
that our acne was beautiful
our spider veins are marks of beauty
our freckles and our curls
are like marks of a rainbow
a beautiful one
left on our body
by a creator
to make us look unique
and in love with life
what if we all stopped trying so hard
to look like an instagram page
and started living our life
from our own unique grace talents and love?!
What If?

Learning how to feel and acknowlege
my fears and my traumas
and instead of hiding from it
I am learning to hug them
to accept them
and to accept myself
with all of it all
because only than can
we actually truly experience life
as our true selves.

I feel so violated
you told me
well don't judge all men
you spoke to my soul
told me you wanted to be friends
how you don't
"believe"
in "hookup culture"
we go home
you send me a picture of your bare back
riding in the ocean
asked me for advice
and than left me on red,
I am sorry that you were taught
to use women
I am sorry you were taught to sexualize
beautiful women
and to see us as just dolls
my whole life men
like you
made me hate my beauty and my body
but now I am learning to hate your actions
and yet to still believe
that good men exist
and that I will actually meet more of them
but I know that you aren't one of them.

I see my old self puking
the bad energy and air out of me
letting go of demonic energy
cleansing myself centering myself
for all we have ever wanted
is right here now
ready to be claimed
in the present moment.
When we truly let go
we can give in
and truly make way
for our new life to take place .

5 months of sobriety
i literally never thought
this was possible for me
ever.
you can accomplish anything.

one of my fav things to do is to play music
late at night when the whole world is asleep
and there is such peace and quietness
true peace,
the more I change,
the more my music does!
Instead of romanticizing pain 24/7,
why not romanticize our futures /our goodness &our desires ...
I love to sit in the sunshine at 12pm or 3pm and feel the grass in my toes
and watch the dogs around me it literally  feels like bliss on earth.
I think if more people worked on unprogramming themselves ,
they would  soon realize,
and experience more bliss in this life ,
but honestly,
most of my life was filled with so so so much pain,
for an extremely long time.
But  I think the only way to get to  experience more of what is true joy,
Is to experience lots of pain at least most of the time,
it is that way.
We have the  choice,
Transmute the pain,
or let it rot inside of us,
consuming us,
eating us alive,
Being supressed for all time .

I think self hate is fed to us since birth
that we must always hide away our
"flaws"
must always look like a 10
must always look thinner
curvier
have perfect flawed skin
my whole life my worth was counted on
by how beautiful I looked
and to now break that
and to find myself beautiful
but without that being the whole of my worth
feels so incredibly hard
to beat the voices in my head
that belittle me
the greatest compliments
were I love your soul
I love your energy
your so beautiful and kind
and loving and compassionate
why can't we as a society judge others
yes by their beauty because we are all beautiful
but also by how kind our souls are.

Breathe in
Breathe out
Slowly
But my pace is fast
Feel the world closing in on me;

My voice feels frozen inside of me
As if i can't speak up
As if noone cares about how I feel.

I feel frozen inside
Recalling past memories of abuse
And how much it hurts inside
Of how most of the men
Hurt me violated me
Shamed me abused me
And treated me so so badly
How the women treated me like SH*T
And how hurt I am and feel
Like a broken doll
Used like a fuze
Wound so tight
It feels broken
Without use
That's how I feel
And how I have felt for so long!

Feels scary
To work on choosing differently for my life
To work on cutting out those and what no longer
Serves me
Or my highest good

FEELS
scary but exciting
for this is how to truly be alive!

I remember you
your beautiful hair
how I met you at the bar
how you were kind to me
how we sat in the feilds
and how you played with my hair
you gentle soul
you beautiful man
I've always loved the softness in people
the way their eyes light up
when they find something funny
and the way they find the world light up
when they love something or someone
I love the people
the unique men and women
who don't fit in
who are unique and witchy
I love souls
and I like people

It tastes like grief
i hear the children
playing in the background
and the piecies inside of me
that were held together
just broke finally
i never ever
got to have that childhood
that i have been dreaming of my whole life
my whole life all I have ever wanted
was to be grown
to move out of the terror
the holocaust
known as my home growing up
where now still i feel so much fear and anxiety around kids
and babies
for they remind
me of the childhood
that had the worst atrocites
scarred inside of it
where my inner child
feels so scarred by life
that i sit with her and all i can hear is screams and cries
where every time that it gets closer to holidays or to the weekend
the pain just deepens
I am going to encounter one of my fears
to work with children
for my first time in years
and although children bring me so much joy
i am afraid to face myself
but i know that things are better
because for so long
I couldn't even look at pictures of my old self
and now I can a little bit more
I wish I could protect all of the children of the world
and not allow them to experience the pain
that I did my whole life
where I wasn't allowed to be a child
where I was abused so much
that I wanted to die all the time
where I would dream about
being a little bird
that could fly away
and be free
where I dissacociated so much
that I at the ripe age of 26
barely know who I am
because so much of who
I am is just pain
bullying and abuse
where I love people so much
but they have wounded
an incredibly broken heart
with their mocks stares
glares and just utter hatred of me
It hurts so much
but I am learning that I am the only one
that can save myself
so I am doing so
hugging my inner child
and telling her that I am so proud
because I truly am
and because no on ever really told her so.

sometimes I think
I wander
what is the point in it all?!
sometimes the pain
that I feel so deep
INSIDE
feels just too much too
bear
to meet myself inside
with all my pains
dissapointments
wishing pains
of laughter
feel so lonely
it hurts to breathe
when I sit in therapy
struggling to breathe
to be present
it feels chokin
to feel the pain
of being alive
to feel the pain
of the past
that is no longer present
except within
to ask questions to my pain
and to hear it responding
but maybe there is a purpose
to it all
eventhough
its so painful
maybe my pain matters alot.
maybe my body always loves me
what if ive been taught lies all this time
that I don't matter
I don't count
and that I should just shrink down
and dissapear
no maybe
I was meant to be a change in the world,
to see that the pain internally
is reflected by what is not in alignment
in my life ,
to recenter myself
realign my life
and to live a life with greater meaning
even if that sometimes includes some pain.

I have this calling from the depths of my soul
in my heart
I cry
I want my mommy!!
but when i think back to my own mom
i shudder
i would never wanna be in her cruel arms again
and than it hits me
I want that safe place of home
when I see the little ones in my nursery
with their parents
it pinches the pain so deep within me
the essence of me
that when I tap in
she's just bunched up in a ball
crying sobbing on the floor
wanting longing
a longing so deep
that it never goes away
that no matter how much life tried to break me
I always got up
rose up
and kept on pushing harder
the amount of chronic illness and pain
and suffering that i have endured
since i was a child
is so much
and honestly it still feels so so hard
it seems all i do is cry
and ball
I saw some videos on the news today
of these boys beating a child
and I thought its horrific but doesn't suprise me
I have seen so many shades of the horrific cruelty of this world
I always say the fact that I am alive
is literally a miracle
because the low places I've been to in my life
are so horrific it hurts to talk about
so taboo
that people shudder from it
I think that if we talk about taboos more
in safe places
they would happen less
and the ones who are crying in pain
endlessly for years
would get help faster
that's what I would tell my younger self
that "who you are is a miracle
and even though today and the past few days
I felt like I wanted to **** myself again...
I took a deep breath
looked at the beautiful pieces in my life
and worked on healing myself
and loving myself
in my pain,
in my so called "darkness"
this girl
told me that I have a darkness to me
I guess to others
being dark
means being real
means having big emotions
I see my big emotions as treasures
I feel like I can experience so much more joy
because of the levels of pain
I have had in my life
sometimes emerging from the fires of life
is painful
but its still beautiful.
i got a fake tattoo of a dragonfly today
which told me to enjoy the small moments
of when I look into a child's eyes
and they teach me about presence
about joy
about the joy
of just living of just being alive
I am working towards that
of just loving being alive
because for far too long
and still now at times
I hate being alive
but I wanna love it
sometimes,
for I still believe hope
is the most powerful
but daunting  at times but beautiful
thing on this planet earth.

What does it mean to be here now
maybe its to come into the body
breathe in
breathe deep
to love life deeper
to love the little moments
to ground into the nature
to appreciate the sunshine
on the face
the feet in the earth
to change the vibration inside of you
to change the places that you congregate in

to think deeper about what you truly want,
to listen to different music
to have things aligned more
into a deeper reality
because conciousness
and all of us that live within it are so real

Crystals rocks plants
ants
are all my friends
ladybugs
cats and my colors
are my friends
kind people with good reliable souls
are my friends
my partner of my dreams
breathed into reality
living in sunshine in nature
in peace
in my purpose
creating music and healing
and helping to guide others back to their true self!
This is all that i crave and wish and call into my current loving reality.

Life doesn't need to be so hard
it can be loving  and so easy
its all a choice
and the choice is yours and ours to make !

I feel like I've died a million times
but dying alive
hurts the most
when you've always just wanted
life to end .
It still feels like that  way alot,
when you've realized everyone
you thought
cared about you
was your friend
was really your enemy
hurt you
gaslight you
bullied you
used your kindness
against you.

All I wanna do is cry about it and rage on forever and ever
the pain inside
feels so hard,

so when people say cut all the toxic people out
well I have and now I have no one
absolutley noone

and when I go out in public
all I feel is paralyzed by grief
and so so  much pain
I've been hurt so much
that I don't recognize my face in the mirror
and pimples have formed in the place
of my once clear skin
its like reminding me
the pain inside
has come to greet me on the outside.

I so wish with all my heart
that I had family and friends in my life
its like being an orphan
but everyone is alive  all around you
besides you
this is how I feel most days lately
while I do feel happier I also feel
the deepest pain
ever,
it feels like its killing me alive.

in fact I have felt this way always
but never cried about it or written about it before.
I have felt rejected since birth
by my own mother .

sometimes I just ask myself
why was I born ?!!

I know I have a purpose
but many times it just  feels like too too  much .

I look  up
and then around me
society says" EW look at her
shes a witch
shes a freak
shes a creep
look at the way she taps her hands
walks barefoot on the ground
is a neurodivergent
artist
is lazy,
you must return
to the hustle culture
you must stop with your nonsense
with your feminism
with your dreaming etc...
with your believing in magic and spirituality.

My whole life
everyone laughed at me
mocked me for being myself ,
my parents ,my brothers and pretty much everyone
I've been so misunderstood
that I haven't even understood
myself
or the friends that I had,
looking back,not really sure
that they were my friends.
If and when I was truly myself .

I remember in my past lives
when I was also a witch
I was beaten tortured
and drowned,
just for being a women/ a witch
when they talk about  the patriarchy
this is it ,
I am still a witch in this lifetime  
althought there isn't outright opression
like it was back then,
I still find it a struggle
because I've never ever
fit in and when I tried
it felt like a taste from  the burning hell,

I wish that society was more accepting and understanding
of different types of human beings.
I certeinly strive to be.
I don't know if this is a poem
or an essay
I don't really know what is it
to be honest with you ,  
All I know is that,
I am really trying to do the work in healing myself
and understanding
that where there is a will
there is a way,
everyone has a different purpose
and this is part of mine.

I learnt today that my anger
that I have repressed my whole life
is a power a strength
and I don't need to supress it my whole life
I have lived in trauma responses
so lost never finding myself
losing myself
in so many addictions
escapisim
now I see at the core root of all of this
was all of my anger
from all of the abuse and horrible things
that I have endured
its time to face the anger inside of me
allow it to express
allow myself to be set free
the time has come
I have realized that so many things are my choice
its my choice if i choose to do things that depress me
its my choice if I choose to supress my feelings
noone can save you
if you choose to not save yourself!

Ariella
Ariella
Ariella
I hear myself calling  out my own name
wandering
who it is
that I am
who is this beautiful person
behind those beautiful
deep intense eyes
I wander back
I am not sure I know
for my whole life
has tested me
pushed me so very hard
I never got a chance to discover this
who am I ?


I think I am discovering who I am
slowly
the more I heal from trauma
I see the bits and pieces
form together
the more I sit with my inner child
and teach her what true unconditonal love is
the more I learn how to be my own mother
to hold myself as I cry
to tell myself that I will always be okay
that our tears are valid
that when she shows me the horrors
that we lived through
that I forgot so long ago
that I forgive her
that I love her
that I feel the anger about my oppressors
that I allow myself to be human
and not just a painting to be looked at
jeered at mocked at
or wanted,

for I am human
and I am a being
and I am a little girl
a women
a person who has a huge heart
a person who sees the stray cats and wants to take them all home
who's soul is poetry who loves art
who loves men ,women the ocean the nature
the words from my soul
that want to be written all day
a person who wants to give the goodness to the world
but has learnt that most people aren't worthy of it.
I think I am amazing
its taken a long way
but you can get there
so when I hear my name
I know I am worthy
even if many others
don't think so
or see so ..
or don't understand the deep soul
that I am
for I am an old soul
and its okay
if they can't see
because I see .

If i could write a poem about myself it would be this.
learning to fall in love with myself
consists of finding random bands,
no one has ever heard of
dressing myself in dresses
having tea parties in my mind with my stuffies  and dollies
hugging myself while I cry and explore my world
watering my plant babies,
exploring spirituality, mysticsim & magic
what makes the world tick
creativity
and what makes my heart sing
stimming to the music
when I walk down the streets
singing with my heart open wide,
eyes high
not giving a care in the world,
running barefoot through a field of dandelions
and daffodils,
catching the waves in my heart
to match my smiles
the seashells on the shore
on the sides,
watching me smile
in despair love and joy ,
encompassing all my ranges of emotions.

I am remembering
experiencing
all of the pain
all of the hidden memories
that I pushed so far back
to not remember
the pain
the anguish
the misery
still in my current life
so dissociated
still on so many addictions
to not feel
to not look at my pain
it feels so so big
but slowly I am looking at it
slowly i am starting to feel it
slowly I allow the memories
to pass through my mind and body
like waves
healing all the supressed pain and emotions
form my old religous abusive life
a past me that is no longer me
but still remains as a reminder
of my old pain
that still rings with remanants of it
in my current body
still I am learning that authenticy
is a gift
I am learning how to be honest
how not to hide behind the lies I tell myself
and others
how not to pertend when I am okay
when I am not
to be honest with myself
that the journey is long
and sometimes has pain in the process
of finding healing and loving the self
the mind the body the soul
it's hard to see the progress
from day to day
but to write it down
to look at myself with love with joy
with adoration
is huge
for so long
I craved humans so deeply
now I still do but I am learning that
the love that I seek
I can find within .
Balance
to seek it within
its a process.

The aliens have landed
government uses things as a distraction
when many people who were thought of
to be crazy have been trying to tell the masses
for so long
I too didn't get my covid shots
because of the truth I knew
than the truth came out
and noone cared
maybe point is
the general people
who think that people like me are delusional
maybe we know something that you don't
learn to trust the ones
that society sees as being weird hippie or witchy
we often see what's coming
before others
do
the awakenings are coming
and things will unfold even more
keep your mind open
and your heart in healing
and see what can occur
because we have so much power
within us
but we give it away to others
or feed our fears
instead of feeding our dreams
its never to late
so don't give up

break the rules
listen to the pulsing music
crash the things
holding me back
allow my anger to take hold of me
to feel it for the first time in my life
F the standards
F being a good gurl
F being a people pleaser
and
F being fake
Yes to being me
and to being authentic
its cost me alot
many things to be myself
so now I will be myself
and if anyone tries to bully me
I will give it to you back,
so watch out
be kind to all
you never know
who will become a bad ***
mother fcker one day.

Trust me
noone ever thought it would be me.
I was always the people pleaser
catering to everyone else
never speaking my truth
and never saying what I thought
currently unlearning
I will take my power back
and I will fight for the silenced
the ones that society doesn't care for,
well I  will care for
them.

Growth is not pretty it's fking hard.
It's picking yourself up over and over again ,sometimes only getting up and living because of your strength and resilance,many times it's being incredibly lonely, for choosing yourself can be ,it's cutting off everyone and everything that is toxic and abusive to you , it can be extremely hard esp coming from a home like mine ,were everything was extremely dysfunctional !
Growth is choosing kindness to yourself, learning how to treasure simple small moments, learning to  turn pain  it into meaning and gratitudr . Growth is sometimes breathing and holding on one moment by moment . It's exploring your dreams, the depth of your concious ,its facing your demons ,the things that terrify you, it's learning that once we see more of ourselves for who we truly are , we can learn more of who we are and live with less shame.
Growth is not looking like a perfect Instagram model buying crystals and pretending to be perfect ,it's knowing that yes I have flaws and that's okay I am a human being we are not meant to be dolls or just consumers !
Growth is looking at the shackles of society and choosing different .Its seeing the suffering of your family bec of their chains and learning to choose differently for you . So whoever wants to romanticize this ,is really bllshtting you . Spirituality aint about rainbows and flowers it's mostly about awareness and choice.

it seems the more i heal
the more I cry
I cry for all of the years
I was so numb
I never knew how I felt
others may look at crying as a weakness
but its so strong to cry
to release emotions
to be in tune with the self
to look at your fears
at your shadow self in the mirror
and claim yourself
and say yes these "darker "parts of me
are still me
to realize your fears and your past traumas
and work on actually healing them
you learn how to take control of your life
instead of just letting it pass you by
and making you the victim.

maybe
learning to love ourselves
is trusing ourselves
to not invest in people time or places
that don't make you feel good
that don't align with who you are
or what you want
maybe its learning to open our eyes
our hearts our souls
to not hold on so tightly
to our five year plans
to learn to let go
and to have more fun
on our own
to find more people with time that align with our souls
to take care of ourselves our lives
to be disciplined
but also to be free
to dare to tell ourselves
we are beautiful
even when we don't feel like it
to give ourselves
notes of confidenence
to learn to stick up for ourselves
and to broaden our horizons.

I feel exhausted
tired from life
from trauma
from pain
I would love to just be in peace
from the horrors
have someone listen to me
care about me
check on me
and want to know that I am alright.

Feel so lost in pain and quite sad

its been 9 months and one day
it feels like ive birthed a baby
like im birthing myself
a new
9 months since
I have been sober
I acknowledge my struggles
that many can't see
and how much I have cried
and how much I have hurt
I am so proud of myself
of how far I have come
places
that all of the AA type of meetings
never brought me here
even when I do feel shame
I am trying to give myself compassion
actually starting to like who I am
to dance in the street
as if noone is watching
because life is meant to be fun
and intresting
learning how to have different healthier
types of fun
and meaning in life
learning how to be a brand new self
so I feel super young but old in some ways
for what my eyes have seen
and experienced in this life
but I am starting to see those things
as treasures as well,
for life is a learning school
for our soul
and when we learn to heed the messeges
and flow instead of always just go
with what our ego wants
than life can become better.

what if we all spoke to ourselves
the way that we would talk to our best friends
baby i love you deeply
your doing a great job
i am so proud of you
the world would be such a better place
the best thing we can do for ourselves
is to learn how to parent ourselves.

music is like prisms of time
healing moments
of love joy peace and terror
incapsulating all that i know and hold dear
as I listen to the music of my teenage hood
of so much pain and yearning
it transports me
and gives me a new perspective and meaning.

There it left me
shredded
bleeding
sinning
not thin like you wanted me to be anymore
not quiet like you commanded me to be
not submissive anymore
coming more into me more
and if i am the sinner in your eyes
than so be it
but no matter
how much you try you can't ever erase me
from your world
for
I am your first born daughter
the truth teller
the scapegoat
I was the golden child
at one point
too.

But I saw the truth lying there
and I left
Tredged my feet to move 6000 miles away
from the hell on earth
sometimes like days like  today,
I cry so much about it
for had I stayed in america
my life would've been so different
I am lucky
I am able to look back on my blessings
Admist deep darkness
and I am learning how to find the me
beyond the addictions the pain
the numbness
and to give grace
that I am clean
and that I am working towards
the best things for me
the past serves as a reminder
but it doesn't need to define us anymore.

And with that she slips on her heels
dances with glee
and dissapears into the moonlight.

I went to the rooftop
I saw you there
dancing with the dreds
in your hair
how I wished I could tell you about my dream
I had about you the other night
how much I miss you
how much I wish I could date you
and hold you tight

But I decided
and said outloud
I let you go
and I forgive you
it hurts to hold the feelings in my heart for you
knowing that it can't ever be.

I watched you another beautiful women
you with the dark hair
curly hair
gorgeous almond colored eyes
the way you danced
how much I wished
I had the courage to
ask you to dance
but the gay panic
kept me frozen there
with my mouth frozen
possibly for the fear of rejection
that has hurt me
and punctured me so deeply
I love women ,
I love men
I love humans
and I don't wanna feel shame
for it anymore
for I love people
and I can't wait to be in a loving relationship
one day.

it just feels sickening and painful
to remember a childhood so painful
that when I remember it
it feels choking to even think about
its like when i talk to my therapist
i can even feel her recoil almost.

What Can I say
I don't relate to most
when i see on tik tok
or in real life
when they talk about mental health
and say well yeah
I had a tough 6 months
or a tough year or two or a few
I wish I could relate
Instead I just think
yes I am healing
and I am proud of my progress
but I wish that I didn't feel sucidal all the time
for pretty much my whole life
when the only relief i got was maybe a few days or a few weeks
on and off
where I am afraid to eat
where my mind races like crazy
where I am tired
but then awake
where things trigger me so much
and I sit there and cry so much
and If i was really present
it would probably be much more than that
where in the past 6 months
since my 26 birthday
I've had to cut off my brothers
"friends" and so many places
because they were so bad for me and
my mental health
while I am proud of me
I wish I didn't have to do all this
I wish more people would understand
I wish I didn't have to feel this lonlieness
so deep
that I have noone to talk
to but the cats and trees
who don't really respond back or care anyways
all I have is myself
and while I am learning to love me abit more
it is still oh so hard.
so yes
the fear aches so bad
it aches in my ribs
and I sit there and I feel it all
healing is feeling
and feeling can be really hard.

Today is family day here
and although
I know that
I am
better off
without them.
The pain still aches inside
so much so
I feel despair
and deep sadness.
It looms over my head everyday
the only escape I get
is in my dreams
or in my art maybe...
I don't know it feels so lonely
to be different
and so painful
that this is what I chose
for this life
I know that there are good things too
but sometimes the pain gets too much ,
so I write instead.
Hoping to ease some of it
and to make art and some meaning from it too..
for what else can one do
when one feels despair and sadness.

I think I am starting to truly understand who I am
I was born into the world as an ultimate
pattern disrupter
as society's taboo,
I show people their shadows,
treated as an outcast for forever in my past,
now I am working on loving myself fully,
and radical acceptance.
I have been queer for as far back as
I can possibly remember
And how much I have hated this
and tried to wish it away
pray it away
since i was a child,
I felt like a half man
half women
and I never had words to express it
but even the labels that people want to name me
as gender fluid etc... don't fully describe it
I don't even want to get too attached to it
because  I just wanna fully  accept who I  am
as being fully okay and loved,
and the fact that I have always loved women
the way their skin tastes
the way their bodies move
the way that I look at them
and my body feels tingly and alive inside
and that I always felt that I had a great secret
that I could never share
because where I am from ,
it was seen as sinful and disgusting
and although I have come out,
these words still ring in my head every single day
and the men that I love are everything that I was taught
that men shouldn't be and I was forced to hate them
And my heart broke all the while
I want to be with a man that is kind loving
beautiful that is pretty a person that is spirtual
open midned a person that loves men and women
a person that is artsy , that is a pretty boy
that is such a beautiful person that I will feel lucky
to say that he is mine
someone that is my best friend
even though my thoughts my past and people
want me to believe that men are horrible
I refuse to believe
I will see each person as who they are.
I also want a girlfriend
to cook with
paint with and to love forever
I was taught to be straight
to be monogamous
to be bland
to be shallow
to be baseline
to play the social games ,
but that is not me and it never was .
I am tired of this playing this ridiculous game !
But I feel really scared to be out of  all of this,
all of me out in the open
because the times that I have ,
people have said the meanest things
but I also remember the good times
as well the kind people
who told me ,
that I am colorful
that I am pretty and beautiful
for being the fluid being that
I am and that I don't need to change that
for anyone,
and to meet people who are polyamarous
and to see that you can be happy
and that you can live your own way of life.
Many tell me  that
I can't tell that you were religious before
because maybe I seem so liberal and open minded
now,
but you don't know how much
I fought and how much I was ostracized by everyone ,
just for being myself
a deep soul
so as I sit here crying
trying to understand who
I am,
It feels so  hard to be a soul in a body
in a world ,
where people just see bodies
many times,
I wish that we could just
all see souls
and love life in that manner
and to tell my inner child
that somewhere in someone's world,
I am wanted
I am normal and
that I am okay
and that I have my own place
of belonging in this world .
That I am just who I am
a woman with a magical name
in a magical being
and that it is okay to wear what I want
love who I want
and to feel masculine and feminine at different times,
without needing to put myself in a box.

To the girl I met a few years back
you changed my mindset so much
Growing up a religious zionist
I was brainwashed
to believe that people
like you
palestinainas
were bad
***** criminals and terrorists
you showed me
that you are a normal human being
who has been oppressed
in different and similar ways to me
it also showed me that loving women
exists in people of all different cultures
you were my first kiss in a gay bar in jerusalem
two people from two different homophic backgrounds
found a beautiful moment to cherish .
I loved to watch you on stage and sing your heart away
and talk about real life
I loved your red hair and your beautiful eyes
and the way you spoke hebrew and arabic.

To the other  arabic women who saved my life
the day after I was beaten by a jewish man ,
I never knew that kindness can come from the people
that I was taught to hate the most
so when people ask me
why am I so anti religion
its because religion preaches hatred
against people for no reason.

And I say the best way to know your views on life
is to experience them for yourself
I have lived among all different kinds of religous people
jewish people palestinians arabs asians etc...
it showed me what to truly think
that  harm is done on both ends
real truth is usually  found in the greys of life
and that love romance
and beautiful moments
can truly exist with people
that seem very different than you
but really we are all the same at heart
I have dated black people white people
Arabic people etc...
I think that the world needs to stop classifying people
so much
based on meaningless things
and start to judge people
by the kindness in their hearts
life here in Israel has taught me so much
more than so many other things in life
and the truth is truth is complex and not black or white
and most of the time when you call people out  on it
they don't want to take responsibility
so they try to gaslight you
but really people show you by their actions
how they truly feel about themselves.

keep your ecards
keep your compliments
the **** away from me
I hate you
I hate your face
I hate knowing what you did to me
my whole life
the way that I was tortured by you
and your still standing
untouched
the way my traumas live on in my brain
the way that my family that was suppose to love me
that I did everything for
rejected me and hated me
now I am living in a country far away from you
but still it reminds me
the religion is always here
taunting me
telling me see
your worthless
see your a rebel
see your family hates you
and that is the greatest pain of all
see for years all i was told
was go to therapy
but noone
noone in my whole life
thought to ask me
what the **** happened to you ?!!
how could your parents do that to you ?!!!
They just obeyed it
like  the silent ******* that they were.
especially
the women
like little eves
to the theieves of our joy
the agressive mysgonistic men
and the mysognistic women
that were forcibly made to be that way.
So no
Don't send me cards
askin me
If I am okay
it will take so much more than that
for me to be okay
and honestly even if you did say sorry to me
it would take so much more than that
for me to be okay with all this
It feels like It will take me a while
it feels like for the first time
I don't wanna give a **** about my family
that has hated me for so long.
It is so hard
I long for my grandmother
who was like my mother to me
who loved me so much
but she's dead now and I miss her so much .
I want to love myself firmly
and be my own family
because that's literally all I got right now.
I've been on a long treacherous journey
but now I've arrived.