i used to come home and cry and shake and hang my head like i had fainted
i used to see open fields and say
“it’s just grass.”
but you know i don’t mean that
cause i am moist from the rainfall
that you cleansed my ash heart with
and now the snow looks like a playful
samoyed dog
running with a purpose stronger
than a passion
leaping and bounding
i touch the heavy air with the palm of my sweaty hands
i dig up your voice from an egyptian tomb
dance in the azure illumination
becoming any creature or being i wanna be
shapeshifting into someone
more pleasurable
amounting to everything since you touched me
you are more than someone who gave me life again after these painful and obedient years
you are an angel in the shadows
in the bloodthirsty hunger of the night
stretching your hand to reach a small body who can’t seem to stop suffering
and even as i direct these poems to you
you can’t even listen in
unless you stumble upon some girl who tries to dream in a world where that is less
likely to
come true
than a physic prophecy
making the pages bleed with my admiration
of the way you cross your fingers
and comfort me during danger
i am lost but around you i am found
and i am starting to think it’s not a coincidence now

dancing in light wash jeans
you should shove your veiny hands in my pockets

You wanna hate them? Go ahead
Who said I would be bothered?
Run towards the rainfall
So that the sun doesn’t burn you. Chase
The rainbow and find the gold at the
End of the tunnel.
We are complex. We can love the flames and
The rain at the same time.
I love them with my entire heart
Blind yourself by looking at the sun for
Too long. Sometimes talent isn’t noticeable if
You only look for disturbances.
Catch the fish
And lick the end of your fishing rod.
Have it medium rare and well done.
Since when was violence the solution? Well,
The entire world has lost their diligence and
Dignity
They saved my life a million times
But I guess they sparkle like brilliant
Christmas bulbs
Or look as if they wear lingerie while the
Thunder wrecks every purpose they ever had.
Wield the sword
And set it down for an embrace.
No solid human being could stab someone
Who is innocent...Right?
Maybe the earth ain’t your cup of tea
The earth is mine, don’t you think the sky is
Kinda boring?
Planes and smoke and chemtrails and clouds
And no extra wide open land to spread your
Arms and legs just to become like the breeze
Dreaming away all the fragments of a
Disastrous life, smoking like a burning fire
Of dead bodies.
You will never feel that pleasure. The pleasure
Of realizing the best things in life aren’t
Placed perfectly in front of your eyes.
Some of the worlds most beautiful treasures
Are in the souls of humans who will reach out
A hand and welcome all types of skin color
Nationalities and beliefs. Can’t you see?
You can’t be angry and say you are a
Peacemaker, that would make you a
Hypocrite. You can’t become a crow or a raven
And act like you can’t fly.
With every ounce of your being
You cannot say that you are drowning in the
Ocean when there is only dead grass
Around you. Favoring and biased reasons and
Opinions are blocking every ineffable wonder
This triumphant planet can offer, just because
Of a little makeup or a little dream
Or a life worth spending with those who
Uplift you and go down with the ship with you.
Those blessed beings who prove any human
Who thinks themselves as superior
Is a total imbecile. I love all the secret nooks
And crannies in the dock of the barge
Including all the languages every group of
Ball of skin on this melting globe has. I bathe
In those words as if my tongue could utter
Them. There is something wondrous in not
Being able to understand that clay is a mug to
Someone and Legos is a curse to some
Tribe in the bay of the Pacific Ocean. You can’t
Have a spine tied to your main spine and
Later say your back is broken by lifting the
Heavy weights. No one can go up a mountain
With seven legs and climb it in one hundred
Days. Why don’t we break everything that
Is fixed? That way you could have it your way
And I could have it mine, sis.
But instead you wanna ***** my cleanliness
And urinate in my showers. You said a flag
Can’t be offensive, yet you are gagging
At the sight of the purple color. Don’t you think
At least one straggler, one sinner will drag
You to the pits of hell with them and they will
Desperately say, “It volunteers for our job.”
You know the hyenas get what they get
But the lions make a completely different Flavor out of cloves and sunflower seeds.
You say the heat is making you sweat
Uncontrollably, yet don’t you know you
Aren’t even wearing long sleeves? If the entire
Sick and pandemic ridden planet would
Hold you by his two shaking fingers, would you
Actively want him to put you down or would
You still seek for that validation you
Know you aren’t getting? I don’t get why these
Apes and hornets are taking us out of
Our bliss just to say we are full of malice.
I don’t get why you paint the best of the best
In gritty peachy colors just to make them
Look rusty when they are glittering
And glowing like halos and tropical punch. It’s
Impossible to pretend to be so
Accommodating when you are a serpent
Ready to pounce and **** any force stronger
Than yourself. You can’t defeat love with regret
Or with hostility. Let the rain pour on your
Selfish complexion. With power and with
Rapacity you will never affect me through
A screen or through a fake deity.
You must be dying inside to inform someone
Else of your displeasure.
Remember: The silence of the guitar after
It strummed its last note is more resourceful
Than a billion skin suits floating around
Telling shorter plants to grow taller
When they themselves are mustard seeds
Dull and empty, useless and dispirited
Only shrieking like banshees
Compared to our choirs of praise, singing
“God bless us, God bless them, God bless me!“

someday far from now,
i’ll be sitting on my porch with my soulmate
watching the grass blow in the wind
we’ll go to church
eye the maple leaves as they fall swiftly to the ground
our hands will be glued together
and we’ll watch our dog frolic in the yard
but, that’s someday very far from now

my head is full of junk and stress and anger
i am aching and my lungs are trying to grip onto any air they can find
beaten and bruised and confused
broken and misused and abused
i am in a worn down infirmary from the 20th century
bleak and mostly dead
young and unread
i am tearing my bed sheets and wishing i could flee
or recycle my carcass in a dumpster
by the penitentiary
  
  i.     am.      ill.      and.   poisoned.   and.  weak

can i just get a little rest or some sleep?
i amShredded  
and this hospital is forbidding
but i am about to go in
overdose from morphine
and become a distant memory
with tear streaks painted like silhouettes all over my detached face
i am frozen in the zone of the capable
drenched and shameful and incapable
can i punch a hole in the wall
or disappear on a private jet
never to be seen again?
in taiwan, bangladesh
china, the southwest
i will forever pray for escapism
and relocation of my barely pumping heart
please, let me retreat from the dock of the discreet
where i will forever become a inaudible nuisance
tortured between chains and bars and reins
anything is better than this pit i have been put in
spit on and inflamed and blamed
dragged and tortured and renamed
struck by the stick
i once hoped of holding in the first place
goodbye, i will decompose into the ground with the mushrooms
and i won’t need to be around anymore to make mediocre jokes
and laugh like the warden is correct in his words
please, i surrender
and i concur
later, i will no longer be a bore to the samurai with swords
i will be trudging through the mountain terrain
praying you will say my name
and i will be excused from the insane asylum because i will finally be deemed
“not insane”
by the nurse wearing slacks
and i will take my unschooled tracks
down the road
where i won’t bleed and toss and turn
i will belong and get along and be reborn
from the ***** of a once valuable opinion
i won’t die and cry and become shy
i will scream and be mean and fly
cause i will fit in somewhere where i knew i would belong all along
far from the president and the residents and my mom
and the fake acquaintances and desperate conveyances and the dark
reaching a pitch where i am silent but as noisy as an alarm
showing off all my parts
without being too nervous to crack a smile
or too anxious and in denial
even though tomorrow may be torture to the soul of the soldier
she will make it out alive
just bruised not misused and abused
just bruised

she is allowing her tears to fall again
after the day’s work of dying
inside.
she knows she is alone in this agony
she can’t ask anyone for help;
they won’t help
they just brush it off
and call her selfish
and she’s not.
i can assure you that.
her heart stings from the pressure she feels.
her pulse speeds up
and she stops breathing again.
it won’t come to a close
and she wishes and wishes it just could.  
cause her pain isn’t measurable,
it isn’t some simple math equation.
she can’t calculate why she’s feeling worthless.
empty.
blank.
dead.
she was almost a prodigy, but someone else took her place.
he’s got everyone laughing and he can start a conversation within two seconds of meeting someone new.
he takes initiative, solving problems right and left.
why can’t that be her?
she can’t do anything best.
what’s to trying?
she still won’t be able to breathe

the pool filled with all my doubts
sits outside a quiet unoccupied beach house

hopefully one day, i will get to fill it with my certainties

she giggled
and she’s pretty
and she’s skinny
and she goes out with boys
and she’s fun
and she’s funny
and she’s great to be around
and she makes me sad
and she makes me mad
and she doesn’t acknowledge me
and she’s perfect
and i’m jealous
and she makes me wanna die
and i hate feeling this way
cause it feels wrong someway
but anyway
she’s pretty
and she’s skinny
and she’s a ghost
in the wrinkle of my brain

it’s been raining for centuries
into the bottle i have put out on the porch
watching the water drizzle into its plastic casing
having knocked it over every single time i try to pick it up
i let it sit by its lonesome,
but by the time i got up that morning,
the bottle was knocked over and the water was trickling out
i buried my face in my palms
as nothing i love is permanent
not even these tears of mine

WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY BODY IMAGE ISSUES?! i wanna be skinny, i wanna be flat chested, i wanna have a slim waist, i wanna have a flat stomach. why do i want these things though? I AM SO SICK OF HATING MY BODY OUT IN PUBLIC, WATCHING MY LEGS MOVE IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR, ERASE, ERASE, LOOK AWAY!!! oh please please please, i wanna be pretty, i want to love my face like these other beautiful girls who make thirst trap videos and get all the boys on their side. IT’S NOT FAIRRRRRR!!! I WANNA LOVE MYSELF, I WANNA LOVE MY BODY DANGITTTTT!!! WHY DID SOCIETY MAKE THESE STANDARDS?!! WHOEVER DID DESERVES TEN THOUSAND SLAPS TO THE FACE TO REPRESENT HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND GAGGED AND WANTED TO JUST QUIT EATING!!!!! I DETEST YOU WITH ALL MY BEINGGGGGHH!!! I HATE STANDARDS, I JUST WANNA BE GORGEOUS, I WANNA BE STICK-THIN, I DON’T WANT THIS STUPID ROUND STOMACH, I AM SICK OF IT!!!!! BUT I CAN’T STOP EATING BECAUSE THEN I’LL HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND EXPLAIN MY PROBLEMS WHICH THEY’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY’VE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY, BUT I EAT SIXTEEN APPLES A DAY AND THEY STILL COME AROUND!!!! I WANNA BE LOVED AND PERFECT BY SOCIETY STANDARDS BUT I QUITE POSSIBLY MAY NEVER BE!!! THAT’S TERRIFYING TO ME!!! HELPPPP MEEEEEEEE

2020
i’ve never felt more alive and grounded and sure and proud to be who i am. ivory skin, sticky socks on hardwood floor, duets between the mirror and me, squished eyes, staying put on carpet, laughing and yawning and exhaling and inhaling. the curtains kept myself to myself and i smiled like the world would never come to an unexpected close. all the panic ensuing beyond my wooden fence. safe and free and i was able to be seen in my own reality not tainted by the smoky film that used to collect the corners of my mouth into a scowl. light peeking from the window sill. and i could breathe, breathe, breathe. i really could. the endless days, the ***** pijamas, smells of soap, granola bars, patience, inheriting the personalities of the people on tv.


2023
i know you hate me but i love you too.

don’t fall for the man who looks at you like an object
don’t fall for the man who can’t respect your boundaries
don’t think highly of the man who blackmails you into things you don’t wanna do
don’t fall for the man who’s spitefully erasing your name
don’t fall for the man who “never loved you anyway”
don’t fall for the man who twists your words in hopes of your own insanity
don’t you dare stumble for the man who will replace you in five days
don’t fall for the man who calls you pretty but not smart or kind or his best friend
don’t fall for the man who acts poised and proper unless he’s alone with you
and don’t you dare fall for the man who doesn’t fall for you but wants you to lick his wounds and bring you home to his parents so you can be the centerpiece on his set table while you are dying inside
don’t you dare fall for him
don’t you dare