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newborn Jun 2022
bouncing cars
having
no regard
for anyone
on the block.
chase your
tail
you’re almost
there.
you’ll never
frame me
like the
mona lisa
i won’t be
the reason
you drive yourself
off the road.
reckless driver
careless person.
the smoke
doesn’t rise
over your home.
it must be cold
especially
for a june.
ribs
hearts and
veins and
ventricles
desire
to flee
from out
of your body.
your poor little
self
duh, i’m using
sarcasm.
no regard
but i have
a mind
and i am
not a ditzy
girl
you can’t
manipulate
me to
serve your
every move.
get a servant
for that type
of excursion
you have no
regard.
there was an ad for beer and it inspired this lol. it had no creative direction

6/26/222
newborn Jan 2022
i used to come home and cry and shake and hang my head like i had fainted
i used to see open fields and say
“it’s just grass.”
but you know i don’t mean that
cause i am moist from the rainfall
that you cleansed my ash heart with
and now the snow looks like a playful
samoyed dog
running with a purpose stronger
than a passion
leaping and bounding
i touch the heavy air with the palm of my sweaty hands
i dig up your voice from an egyptian tomb
dance in the azure illumination
becoming any creature or being i wanna be
shapeshifting into someone
more pleasurable
amounting to everything since you touched me
you are more than someone who gave me life again after these painful and obedient years
you are an angel in the shadows
in the bloodthirsty hunger of the night
stretching your hand to reach a small body who can’t seem to stop suffering
and even as i direct these poems to you
you can’t even listen in
unless you stumble upon some girl who tries to dream in a world where that is less
likely to
come true
than a physic prophecy
making the pages bleed with my admiration
of the way you cross your fingers
and comfort me during danger
i am lost but around you i am found
and i am starting to think it’s not a coincidence now
oh my gosh

1/24/22
newborn May 2022
dancing in light wash jeans
you should shove your veiny hands in my pockets
just me?

5/6/22
newborn Aug 21
more? there’s nothing to give.
not with my sore pale hands
clutching every last fiber that stands
between our two shapes.
not with my bloodshot eyes
pleading for responses that eat at every surface.
not with my black dying heart
wincing at the sight of every disaster that, in vain, keeps me alive.
not with my hollow brain
the fight or flight tendencies defining the reactions i give.

you want more?
there’s nothing to give.
there never was anything
to give.
i’m still struggling to make friends. sometimes i think there is something wrong with me.

written: 8/10/24
published: 8/21/24
newborn Sep 2023
gardening hands
sliced wings—
you make me happy
and i don’t mean to sound corny
but it’s true.
i am not in love
but time isn’t creeping behind stone walls
time isn’t slithering like a snake
in this garden
the smile cannot stop before it hits my lips
the river is smooth
and settles in my throat
naturally.
i am not in love
but happiness is clinging to my torn sleeves
all the factory floors where my cold body laid so still
are getting renovated,
new floor plan.
harsh sea waters have calmed
after waging a war of hatred.
i am not in love
but this town feels bigger than usual
this gust of wind upon my head
is slowing by the minute.
the hour does not creep,
it moves along,
no hissing nor shouting nor demanding.
i am not in love
but the night spins achingly through my ceiling
as i beg and beg and plead for the sudden heat of the morning sun
sooner, faster
restrain me
i am not in love
i am only
happy
i feel so good and sometimes i don’t, but i have felt good this entire week and it’s making me nervous because i don’t know how to handle this. i was never taught how to cover up a smile from creeping on my cheeks. i don’t want this feeling to end ever. i feel like i belong and that’s crazy because i haven’t felt that in four whole years. thank you.

9/15/23
newborn Oct 2022
it’s waltzing in the supermarket
delicate voices
as the beach appears from beyond the mountains
it’s twilight supper
picnic table in the middle of the open atmosphere
the world takes tiny breaths
as it watches us twirl around the living room
laughing the calories out of our bodies

it’s laying under starlight
seeing you, seeing mars, seeing jupiter
from our naked eyes and our telescopes
it’s gradually blending together
like a perfect puzzle piece that finally found its place
the moon decorates our skin with her majestic craters
we swing on porch swings as the crickets chirp
glowing meadow in the front of our yard

i’ve dreamt of meeting the one,
with gum stuck in my teeth
wingspan of twenty feet
you see the crinkles and absolutes
i was always so sure of myself
now i’m wasting away
into the drains of my shower
would someone pick me up
and fix up my hair for me
and clean the shampoo off the patronizing white walls
that force me to cower before them?
i’ve dreamt of meeting the one,
with spit on my tongue
and saliva inside my mouth
you’d start to maneuver my wavy hair behind my ears
inside the grocery store closest to the farthest part away from home
love is not overgrown like i am

it breathes in motion
it waltzes in supermarkets at two in the afternoon and isn’t afraid of losing a little pride
it sings on a long windy road above the beach in a red convertible that sets hair into a frenzy
it belongs, it shimmies, it blossoms

i saw a comet from my bedroom window
and i might have seen you (the one) sitting outside in the middle of the meadow, hand on the back of your head, gazing up at the clarity-inducing midnight sky
i took a mental picture of you and saved it in a folder of the one thing i have never experienced; love

          and it contained us dancing in a    supermarket, jumping into a saltwater pool, and holding our hands up in the red mustang or convertible while scream singing along with the radio

oh, i dreamt of meeting the one last night in the autumnal breath of the universe
i brought a checkered tablecloth to place on the picnic table,
i hope you fall in love with me under starlight
           so i can say, i lived a real life fairytale at least once in my life


….and it was the greatest one i have ever heard of in my sixteen years of life
older by 5sos and aidan bisset were my inspirations for this. and a little cabin in the forest in the late 1800s. idk. i need to be held and loved. 10/27/22
newborn Jun 2022
the water, though murky
is full of life
in all forms
juveniles, females, males
fish, dolphins, whales
heck, even coral

your heart, though cloudy and guarded
is teeming with life  
a pulse slowed in tempo for love
for stability, for affection

you are like the ocean- though murky- it is still the most beautiful wonder on earth
wrote this at my vacation house. the ocean and the beachy atmosphere always inspires me

6/26/22
newborn Sep 2023
ballet slippers on legs i would rather not have
fantasize until i memorize every piece of you
i’ve danced in ovals around the feeling called happiness
a distant land, shangri-la
all for me
and now i look beyond my deformed hands
and see bridges that stop burning themselves
laughs when nothing is even remotely funny
blissfully aware yet choosing to be content
screaming, crying, vomiting

9/21/23
newborn May 20
there used to be a terrifying place i had to go
but you came in with your skyscraper touch, now i have vertigo.
not sick to my stomach, just a little bit distressed
how you would want to see me loved limitlessly and dressed.
these wounds are boils
little coils round my throat
and you look at me long enough for me to almost explode.
never been a volcano, always an accidental surge
now i guess you mean it this time, i will surely self-implode.
never dying alone,
saw you in your overcoat,
we drove twenty miles south to a sweet girl’s house
then, when you saw me falling asleep you said it was time to go.
oh, i’ve never been so carefully watched over,
always straddled the line of being a complete soulless loner.
you are not my owner, when we get much older
do you think we’d be happy with our heads on the other’s shoulders?
you’re so cool.

written: 5/18/24
published: 5/20/24
newborn Jan 2022
You wanna hate them? Go ahead
Who said I would be bothered?
Run towards the rainfall
So that the sun doesn’t burn you. Chase
The rainbow and find the gold at the
End of the tunnel.
We are complex. We can love the flames and
The rain at the same time.
I love them with my entire heart
Blind yourself by looking at the sun for
Too long. Sometimes talent isn’t noticeable if
You only look for disturbances.
Catch the fish
And lick the end of your fishing rod.
Have it medium rare and well done.
Since when was violence the solution? Well,
The entire world has lost their diligence and
Dignity
They saved my life a million times
But I guess they sparkle like brilliant
Christmas bulbs
Or look as if they wear lingerie while the
Thunder wrecks every purpose they ever had.
Wield the sword
And set it down for an embrace.
No solid human being could stab someone
Who is innocent...Right?
Maybe the earth ain’t your cup of tea
The earth is mine, don’t you think the sky is
Kinda boring?
Planes and smoke and chemtrails and clouds
And no extra wide open land to spread your
Arms and legs just to become like the breeze
Dreaming away all the fragments of a
Disastrous life, smoking like a burning fire
Of dead bodies.
You will never feel that pleasure. The pleasure
Of realizing the best things in life aren’t
Placed perfectly in front of your eyes.
Some of the worlds most beautiful treasures
Are in the souls of humans who will reach out
A hand and welcome all types of skin color
Nationalities and beliefs. Can’t you see?
You can’t be angry and say you are a
Peacemaker, that would make you a
Hypocrite. You can’t become a crow or a raven
And act like you can’t fly.
With every ounce of your being
You cannot say that you are drowning in the
Ocean when there is only dead grass
Around you. Favoring and biased reasons and
Opinions are blocking every ineffable wonder
This triumphant planet can offer, just because
Of a little makeup or a little dream
Or a life worth spending with those who
Uplift you and go down with the ship with you.
Those blessed beings who prove any human
Who thinks themselves as superior
Is a total imbecile. I love all the secret nooks
And crannies in the dock of the barge
Including all the languages every group of
Ball of skin on this melting globe has. I bathe
In those words as if my tongue could utter
Them. There is something wondrous in not
Being able to understand that clay is a mug to
Someone and Legos is a curse to some
Tribe in the bay of the Pacific Ocean. You can’t
Have a spine tied to your main spine and
Later say your back is broken by lifting the
Heavy weights. No one can go up a mountain
With seven legs and climb it in one hundred
Days. Why don’t we break everything that
Is fixed? That way you could have it your way
And I could have it mine, sis.
But instead you wanna ***** my cleanliness
And urinate in my showers. You said a flag
Can’t be offensive, yet you are gagging
At the sight of the purple color. Don’t you think
At least one straggler, one sinner will drag
You to the pits of hell with them and they will
Desperately say, “It volunteers for our job.”
You know the hyenas get what they get
But the lions make a completely different Flavor out of cloves and sunflower seeds.
You say the heat is making you sweat
Uncontrollably, yet don’t you know you
Aren’t even wearing long sleeves? If the entire
Sick and pandemic ridden planet would
Hold you by his two shaking fingers, would you
Actively want him to put you down or would
You still seek for that validation you
Know you aren’t getting? I don’t get why these
Apes and hornets are taking us out of
Our bliss just to say we are full of malice.
I don’t get why you paint the best of the best
In gritty peachy colors just to make them
Look rusty when they are glittering
And glowing like halos and tropical punch. It’s
Impossible to pretend to be so
Accommodating when you are a serpent
Ready to pounce and **** any force stronger
Than yourself. You can’t defeat love with regret
Or with hostility. Let the rain pour on your
Selfish complexion. With power and with
Rapacity you will never affect me through
A screen or through a fake deity.
You must be dying inside to inform someone
Else of your displeasure.
Remember: The silence of the guitar after
It strummed its last note is more resourceful
Than a billion skin suits floating around
Telling shorter plants to grow taller
When they themselves are mustard seeds
Dull and empty, useless and dispirited
Only shrieking like banshees
Compared to our choirs of praise, singing
“God bless us, God bless them, God bless me!“
Don’t come for my happiness
Or you’re coming for me

1/3/22
newborn Mar 2022
i saw the last ray of sunlight hit his back
as if pleading for him not to go
but if you truly, fully, and wholeheartedly love someone
let them walk away freely
just watch them turn back and wave
goodbye is better than no answer
we’ll meet again someday
stop- i’m soft

3-16-22
newborn May 2022
someday far from now,
i’ll be sitting on my porch with my soulmate
watching the grass blow in the wind
we’ll go to church
eye the maple leaves as they fall swiftly to the ground
our hands will be glued together
and we’ll watch our dog frolic in the yard
but, that’s someday very far from now
inspired by taking a car ride through ohio.
everything i do turns to poetry lol

5/29/22
newborn Jun 2022
it was when you looked at me as the fireworks exploded in your eyes that i realized this is what life should be like

ballrooms and bokeh lights
another poem inspired by the elvis trailer. the part where he looks up in the limo and the fireworks explode. it is so **** beautiful, my gosh. thx for reading.

6/28/22
ok
newborn Jan 2022
ok
my head is full of junk and stress and anger
i am aching and my lungs are trying to grip onto any air they can find
beaten and bruised and confused
broken and misused and abused
i am in a worn down infirmary from the 20th century
bleak and mostly dead
young and unread
i am tearing my bed sheets and wishing i could flee
or recycle my carcass in a dumpster
by the penitentiary
  
  i.     am.      ill.      and.   poisoned.   and.  weak

can i just get a little rest or some sleep?
i amShredded  
and this hospital is forbidding
but i am about to go in
overdose from morphine
and become a distant memory
with tear streaks painted like silhouettes all over my detached face
i am frozen in the zone of the capable
drenched and shameful and incapable
can i punch a hole in the wall
or disappear on a private jet
never to be seen again?
in taiwan, bangladesh
china, the southwest
i will forever pray for escapism
and relocation of my barely pumping heart
please, let me retreat from the dock of the discreet
where i will forever become a inaudible nuisance
tortured between chains and bars and reins
anything is better than this pit i have been put in
spit on and inflamed and blamed
dragged and tortured and renamed
struck by the stick
i once hoped of holding in the first place
goodbye, i will decompose into the ground with the mushrooms
and i won’t need to be around anymore to make mediocre jokes
and laugh like the warden is correct in his words
please, i surrender
and i concur
later, i will no longer be a bore to the samurai with swords
i will be trudging through the mountain terrain
praying you will say my name
and i will be excused from the insane asylum because i will finally be deemed
“not insane”
by the nurse wearing slacks
and i will take my unschooled tracks
down the road
where i won’t bleed and toss and turn
i will belong and get along and be reborn
from the ***** of a once valuable opinion
i won’t die and cry and become shy
i will scream and be mean and fly
cause i will fit in somewhere where i knew i would belong all along
far from the president and the residents and my mom
and the fake acquaintances and desperate conveyances and the dark
reaching a pitch where i am silent but as noisy as an alarm
showing off all my parts
without being too nervous to crack a smile
or too anxious and in denial
even though tomorrow may be torture to the soul of the soldier
she will make it out alive
just bruised not misused and abused
just bruised
Who’s nervous for tomorrow?
Me!

In all seriousness, this is probably the best thing I’ve ever written

1/21/22
newborn Jul 2022
stuck, writing about every person i come across
my friends, old ones, new ones
excerpts from movies that make me remember why love only exists in the grasp of the cinema
or in the manipulated minds of fourteen year old girls enthralled by the greek godlike men onscreen
confined, writing about people i wish i were, people i talk to on a daily basis
i exercise my brain so i can make it all go away, so i can write about the next person i see
maybe next time, someone will write about me
i wish someone would write about me for a change
7/16/22
newborn May 31
on the water
i feel so alone
no friends
no shoulders to lean on
why did i ever think i was special?


my heart aches to be loved
or just noticed.
loneliness is so alone.
the aching of my heart to be held and cherished.
on the water, the ripples beckon me
must be sweet to be with someone just like you
every bubble combined to make a better system.
i want to combine with you
and be who you’ve always wanted me to be.
i’ll never steal the show,
i’ll never be the girl who belongs
i want to dance; i really do,
but my feet will not pick up or stomp or walk or move.
i only wanted to be soft in your hands
so you could mold me in any way you desire.
and i would comply
because who wouldn’t when they realized that they are so difficult to love.
i wanted to be easy.
easy to understand,
easy to speak with,
easy to love:
that is all i’ve ever wanted to be.
not even a “yours”
just someone worthwhile enough.
the water is beautiful this time of evening
i’m wasting it.
i waste my life
and my youth
and the love i get.
i waste it all,
but i’m so terrified.
so terrified of being alone
it keeps me awake at night.
and then i dream of you
and it’s all better because you patch up my wounds
and you leave my bones just as they are.
i dream of you
and that’s so enormously stupid of me.
i’m ashamed for loving you the way that i do,
but it’s just so simple to.
i’m weak and i’ll never be good enough
but please don’t leave me like this:
completely alone
and wasting my own life
being so scared of everything.
i loved you and i never told you.
i’m so alone;
i couldn’t even convince myself to change that
by allowing you in.
i am a terrible friend. all i ever wanted to be was accepted and loved and actually wanted. and i was and i ruined it. i want to lay in water and wash away.

written yesterday
published: 5/30/24
newborn Apr 2022
i write and bruise my fingers just to escape
just to get a remedy for this pain
the pressure stops burning ever so slightly
but the scars still remain
still hang on my flimsy body
making towns and cities and villages
people living inside of my solar system

STOP!
calm down.
they can’t see you.
their eyes are like steel.
like iron.
life kills.
that’s what’s so evil about it.
but you can’t escape the jaws of the inevitable.
you need to stop thinking.
i mean, the overthinking type.
the type of thinking that makes your brain spin.
that escalates every tiny situation.
your pain comes from opening your eyes too wide.
shut them.
breathe.
stop panicking.
you will never be able to escape except in death.
but even the dead are lonely.
even the dead char and sear in pits they were locked in.
stop overthinking.
you write because you want to evaluate what you feel.
not just because it’s the only way to bolt away from crowded rooms and upset stomachs.
don’t bruise your fingers while touching the pen.
stop overthinking.

wAiT...
i think that i get it
sorry for all the run-on sentences
i don’t care much for punctuation
i sure don’t think rapidly about that
i just do it
so, in settings where it matters
everything in my brain halts
and i freeze
why can’t i just breathe?
it pains me to think that i am hurting my own self with my own knives
stabbing me in the heart
i shouldn’t let my hands become numb because of scribbling in the lines
i should press the pen gingerly upon the paper
softly
and i should just do it
without hesitation
just prove i can withstand the erosion
but at least i know
i write to express
and
life kills
that’s what’s so evil about it.
this is kinda like a two-way poem thingy
i experimented, what did you expect?

4/1/22
newborn Oct 2023
the grass starts burning beneath callused barefoot feet
with blistered skin, bumps and bruises
shadowy figures form beside the campfire
embers and ashes
fiery and angry
the forest floor is enveloped and murdered
slowed appetite eaten by the pressure
i’m a dog at your feet
so wise but unable to communicate it
fog forms in the still dead woods
bits of my arms chewed clean off
and you’re the wolf with skin dangling from its teeth
pleased with your discovery
inspired by i’m your man by mitski. third thing i’ve written today; i have a lot to say.

10/10/23
newborn Oct 2023
does this corner house have space for me?
should i be taller or smaller?
hiding or should i come out from under my bed?
cause there are children
and they’re laughing
and i’m smiling
but who’s counting?
suddenly, the light is not a pale yellow anymore;
it’s gold

beneath darkness, i fold the laundry
i pick the towels off the floor and shower
in freezing cold water
no dry skin, just instinct
cause there are raindrops
that fall like missiles
just not the violent type
suddenly, the moon is not a pale white;
it’s pearl.
i didn’t know what else to call it hehe. about how i felt disposable before (i still do sometimes) and how that has recently changed. some people are so kind.

written yesterday, but published 10/24/23
newborn Jan 2023
he thinks my expressions translate to admiration
he’s so stuck in his oblivion
the accidental glances must be for a reason
he’s so obsessed with himself
he’s thinks i’ll fall to my knees in front of him
jokes on you, i’ve only ever thought about you for less than a minute
i don’t adore you
the coincidences that align
are made up in your mind
i’m just trying to exist
i need to plant a garden within the constraints of the palisades
i don’t even know your name, nor am i enthralled with you
how come when i moved, you moved too?
it’s never ever about you
i need to build a garden in the middle of the woods
can i be trapped forever?
a vanished little girl
on the cliffs of doom
i swear all these people think i like them and i don’t…
ughhhhh

1/8/23
newborn Sep 2022
she is allowing her tears to fall again
after the day’s work of dying
inside.
she knows she is alone in this agony
she can’t ask anyone for help;
they won’t help
they just brush it off
and call her selfish
and she’s not.
i can assure you that.
her heart stings from the pressure she feels.
her pulse speeds up
and she stops breathing again.
it won’t come to a close
and she wishes and wishes it just could.  
cause her pain isn’t measurable,
it isn’t some simple math equation.
she can’t calculate why she’s feeling worthless.
empty.
blank.
dead.
she was almost a prodigy, but someone else took her place.
he’s got everyone laughing and he can start a conversation within two seconds of meeting someone new.
he takes initiative, solving problems right and left.
why can’t that be her?
she can’t do anything best.
what’s to trying?
she still won’t be able to breathe
why do i feel the need to open my mouth? 9/21/22
newborn Sep 2023
pinstriped and perfectly perfected into paper towns paper heaven paper falsities paper lies paper lucid dreams paper love
placate every single soul who’s about to go overboard
play my game with ****** fingertips
take those sandpaper words and smear them on my pinafore dress
tied at the waist
too small, no, too big, too stretchy, too loose, too tight, too everything
i perform every time i step out the door
poised and prodded and paced
problematic
sickness in this perceived health
parts of me floating bloodless in the ether
pardon me, but are you scared of places that your parents haven’t gone?
particularly i don’t believe a single sentence that escapes those perfectly formed prison walls holding gums and teeth inside
on purpose, i have patience
for people with the same patterns of personhood as you
and almost painfully,
i watch this perfect place catch flames, burn into paper perception paper wishes paper puppets paper precision paper people with paper powers with paper pleasure and paper pets and paper feelings
i deny this premonition,
i have been promised love if i continue with this patience
please paint my skies golden brown in this paper town
and i will pace by the doorway
peeking through the window panes
politely waiting for the headlights to pull into the driveway


no pressure, any time will be fine
i feel so good, but i feel like it won’t be permanent. i love nice people.

9/20/23
newborn Sep 2023
just a line
just some item to buy
to place your grubby fingers upon
when the reflexes get
too repulsive not to surrender to
then lay those surfaces upon my heart
greasy fingerprints
then disown me,
only an object of desire

let the rhythmic pause of neurons
define your sense of being
just
please
don’t infect me
um…this is a very visceral feeling for me. and it hurts to be seen only one way. i want people to like me, but then i get scared when they do.

9/24/23
newborn Aug 2022
isn’t it strange that we don’t name ourselves?
because if i had the choice, i would be named: the girl with wavy or curly hair that never belongs anywhere
or the girl who believes in God more than herself
the girl who fears rejection like it is Covid-19
the girl who wished upon a star, but is still waiting on her delivery
the girl who is senseless who knows nothing about anything
the girl whose best friend left her when she was thirteen
the girl who associates made up or distant people with safety and security
the girl who listens to too much music and it clouds her judgment
the girl who re-enacts movies after she sees them play onscreen
the girl who gets lost in Disney movies and doesn’t enjoy reality
the girl who died after eighth grade and is despising the high school experience
the girl who purposely curses herself on friday the thirteenth
the girl who lost her mind and has lost all her glory
eruption, disaster, ugly, failure, useless, dramatic, romantic, not even close to funny, unintelligent, boring, exhausting to be around, psychotic, waste of space, crazy
the girl who is anyone, but what my parents named me
the girl named…
i was gonna text my friend, “isn’t it weird that we don’t get to name ourselves,” but i chickened out lol. why do our parents get to name us tho?

8/1/22
newborn Mar 2022
today i pondered and wondered if i had actually liked my old school
and right now i don’t wholeheartedly know
the same kids around me
the same stimulants every day
those people were my family
but maybe distant relatives
those people were my rocks
but maybe they couldn’t skip
or maybe i didn’t even try
it felt like heaven compared to this pit of lions
it felt like floating compared to now dying
it hurts
that it might not have worked out the way i
remembered that it had
maybe i was fed poison and forced to cough it back up
throw up into the hands of a burly man
who ate it and finished every last drop of it
maybe at the end of the day
i just feel lost
and i don’t belong
and i absolutely positively hate it
with all of my numb beating heart
what the heck
u were the bully

(Idek if you remember me tehee)

3/8/22
newborn Jun 2022
blood courses like crimson rivers
in my cells
i envision darkness through the corners of my eyes
****** into the core of this earth
we never get out, do we?
we never change, actually
i know us humans
lying is our defense mechanism
we can’t capture oxygen in our lungs
without running off our tongues
people don’t lose touch
they consciously “forget” something that isn’t convenient for them
a person
it’s that simple
it isn’t rocket science
they make it quite apparent
we never change
our bones grow
but our souls-
they don’t
they just age along with what we are taught
what knowledge our brains can wrap themselves around
so we create new memories
but we never truly move on from the past ones
they stick like honey
along the walls
breathe-
they won’t dissipate
they don’t dissolve
people don’t change
people are selfish
they want your body and they’ll do whatever they want to touch it
no matter your decision
unless you ruthlessly punish them
or let the storm do all the ***** work
we cry with the sixty percent of liquid sloshing inside of our skin suits
we pound on the outer edge
sometimes scream to let us-
the hostages-
out
but somehow
conveniently
they forget we ever meant anything more than a change in the air
a change in their environment
a little switch
people don’t change
no matter what they say
the amount of times they’ll say they are sorry
they’ll never actually mean it
with every fiber of their being
you 𝐜𝐚𝐧’𝐭 change
your petite self ain’t gonna change him
he’ll still go out with girls upon girls
and open up doors
and legs
he’ll still reprimand you for doing absolutely 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠
like being 𝐛𝐨𝐥𝐝
he wants you in 𝑖𝑡𝑎𝑙𝑖𝑐
he wants you 𝑠𝑚𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑒𝑟
people don’t change
ever since the fourth grade
he’s been beating himself up cause he was always so 𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑙𝑒
so 𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑦
so 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑡ℎ𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑠
and you can’t fix that
with the fragments left of your kindhearted heart
people don’t change
we’ll never escape
school is just preparing you for more school
work waits patiently with you
for retirement
your back burns from trying to staple your spine back into what it was a few years ago
the crushing of skulls
is the only motivation you’re receiving
i sat in a 𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑦 desk
my gluts were aching
as i just had to sit there until the grim reaper lifted my feet up
he left me hanging there on the rope-
i don’t even believe in the grim reaper
he ain’t gonna collect my cold and desolate body and place it somewhere-
in a grave
where people who will never be better
will place me in the ground
they’ll be corpses soon
but they aren’t aware of that
cause we get no due date
for our own deaths
no warning
unless you’re slowing deteriorating on a hospital bed surrounded by white walls that
swallow you up like a man-eating whale
people don’t change
life slams into you with the force of a ten million ton freight train
it leaves faster than a scared and lonely teenager when they are asked if they are fine-
quick note: they are never ever ever ever fine
asking that question won’t do anyone any good
won’t cause their bodies to slow the process called life
that stings more than death will ever be capable of
people don’t change
they only like to think they do
so they can act like they are changing the world
when they are really just getting 𝑠𝑚𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑒𝑟 and
𝑠𝑚𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑒𝑟
people “don’t” change
newborn Feb 2023
he ido al lugar donde descansas.
encontré tu forma en la arena.
algún día, te encontraré otra vez
en las señales
o en una cueva
con rosarios en tus manos cerradas.
te miraré con confusión
sorprendida con tu cara familiar.
no cárcel puede guárdame para siempre.
las paredes son demasiada delgadas
y mi amor para ti es más fuerte.
te amo con cada hilo de mi ser.

yo estoy sola
en mi imaginación
en mi realidad
en una multitud de personas.

te encontraré otra vez
cerca de los puentes
buscando tu corazón.
he corriendo miles de millas toda mi vida
cada paso más débil que el previo
rayos en el cielo
apuntando a ti.
ven acá
en el jardín donde el verano es para siempre
y nadie habla conmigo
excepto a ti
y no me importa
de verdad,
me gusta el ruido que haces en mi mente.

mis sentimientos te darán la claridad
cuando mi voz no te dará la verdad.

he te amado desde que tocaste mi corazón frágil
con tus guantes de oro.
eras un caballero
ahora no puedo encontrarte.
donde está mi hombre?
el tipo que se corre
más rápido que el viento
pero no te extraño
en este momento,
solo te quiero encontrar
en la selva o en mis sueños
no me importa.
otro poema en español. dime si esto es correcto. i am learning after all.

written: 1/31/23
published: 2/5/23
newborn Apr 2023
now my veins are coursing with blood
taste it on my tongue
i can’t slow my pulse

he took my spine
and broke it in half
skipping heart inside my skin 
pounding
pounding
pounding
loud drums

the water towers i see from my bedroom window
to the storms you awaken in me
like bathing in chemicals
burning my skin
from within
why are his eyes so disjointed?
why do i sweat from my hands to my feet?
shuddering with anxiety
i’m so sick of having to give that disclaimer

do you feel my worry protrude from my speech?
the stuttering, the contemplation
i’m terrified i might say the wrong thing
so i don’t say anything
and hope the end passes
softly and—
i may have acted too hastily
shaking hands and paranoid and scared to bend my knees
cause someone might see
me
struggle
and then i’m ******* forever

and this attention, i’m not used to its hold on me
it feels threatening, can’t see the opening
at the end
of the tunnel,
vision is blinding me
what is a good moment to just say “no” out of the blue?
paralyzed with fear
maybe then you’ll know, it’s not worth it to even try with me
i hate hurting feelings, but this is hurting more than that
emails you sent me, just ask for my number
i could’ve given it,
but then i never would have texted
so you’d be
alone with yourself
and you’d have to be witty
i can’t see the future,
possibly
i might not want it to happen
so i try to push away
good things,
like they are mosquitos in the desert winds

but what are you attentive to on me?
for others have more than i do,
i’m poison ivy, i’m sticky glue
although once you have me,
i don’t want you
it’s like a burden, yet not how i treat you
is this too redundant or straight forward?
i’m sorry if this feels like torture to you
it feels much worse to me

maybe this is why i hate physics
the weird attractions
that happen
when you don’t even invite them in
thanks, it’s my fault mostly. kinda. idk

4/2/23
newborn Aug 2023
please don’t leave me.
i have no one but the second guessing.
there are roots beneath me.
will they spread to you
so you don’t abandon me?
to you. why?

700 poems. yay i guess.

8/12/23
newborn May 2022
so close to freedom
the dam is about to open
for the water to flood
out of it
freedom
at last
school is a living nightmare
5/31/22
poe
newborn Oct 2022
poe
i can’t seem to write poetry deep and soft and emotive. i can’t seem to do anything with my splintered hands and my lazy blue eyes.
i can’t find the beauty
in words;
no one reads my words to find the beauty in them as well.
i can’t seem to recite poetry off my tongue and into
my brain cavities when
i sleep with my lulled anxiety. i don’t understand how
life can be beautiful from in these cell blocks.
you can’t read poetry in vacant reveries
with deadbeats and
coffee and midnight mental breakdowns.
i can’t find poetry in my bones embedded deep beyond
my unfamiliarity.
you can’t find poetry
in centuries of instinct
or in your skinned knee; unless you see words in forms that people don’t know and can’t comprehend, therefore i am assuming you, as the reader, can’t
find poetry in the worst types of things because i have before,
so what
am i even rambling about anymore?
maybe poetry can’t even
be found
in the bones,
it’s in the soul.
no one reads my poetry and i feel unmotivated. 10/4/22
newborn Feb 2022
only true poets listen to the voices in their heads
Kinda true...

2/25/22
newborn Jul 2022
the pool filled with all my doubts
sits outside a quiet unoccupied beach house

hopefully one day, i will get to fill it with my certainties
i’m super proud of this lol

7/17/22
newborn Jun 2022
sweltering air
nibbling at your ankles
california dreaming
in pennsylvania meadows
clouds moving like
cotton candy
in the robin egg colored sky
curly hair blowing
heat exhaustion
but satisfaction
nfr on the balcony in the hot summer air hits different. try it sometime

6/29/22
POV
newborn Jan 2022
POV
POV-
ur best friend of five years at least (ur horrible at math) has left you for a structure and you lay there on your bed confused. Life had just started getting good. U had a phenomenal teacher, “friends,” lovers (i mean you were like eleven so more like crushes) good grades and every luxury the world could give to you. it’s halloween night and you don’t even know it’s the last time you are going to be speaking with ur best friend. and after that you start to miss her and see her in unlit candles and McDonald’s hamburgers. you read ur old text messages and you bawl into your knuckles until u are sore and you have to stop for ur greater good. u avoid eye contact with her because now you are inside the place that she left you for and you feel immeasurable to its warm embrace. you don’t tell your new friends about your cluelessness of why she stopped talking to you. u leave this all untouched and no one can collapse the property you built for your furious self. And you grow tired every day of having to hide from such a public relationship that you develop social anxiety. u start to feel eyes all over you all the time and you can’t sleep well at night because there might be a ghost under ur bed. and ur life becomes pointless because who should you be living for now? u contemplate saying something to her, but you fear rejection so much that you cower in the dusty corner and u are safe... right? oh, but ur still gonna turn red and pink and purple after dreams are torn and scraped like the crumbs on the table. u ache with every bone in your body and every cell wishes you would just say “hi” to the closest stranger ever. but ur mouth shakes and trembles and you grow tired of always having to try after SHE left U for a building that would crumble in less than four years. a building that wouldn’t even last longer than ur “friendship.” but u don’t feel angry, you just feel numb and ur phone vibrates from other people who cared enough to call you smart or say you knew more than them in spanish class and you realize that some people will never care enough to talk or never want to rekindle what you thought they would and you are ok with it. because friends are fluctuations and you are probably never gonna see the man who asked you to help him walk across the street again, so why would you care if it was anyone else? u are unstoppable and ur best friend is just an old friend and that’s how the world is. and you will not cry about it
and she left such a long time ago that you pretend you forgot about it

1/20/22
newborn Jul 5
every ache in my soul is a power outage
the lights are out
the electricity fizzing
the power lines lay on my house
the walls cave in
the fridge is rotten
the humidity lingers
the sink doesn’t run
the internet is spinning
my head is spinning
my brain is spinning
every room too hot to enter
too inhospitable
every little sigh is a sweat bead
dripping and falling
crashing and burning
i keep on turning
the fan on
but it won’t work
my head is spinning
my brain is spinning
my mind is spinning
spiraling into madness
every sentence you spoke is a weapon
the heat is sizzling
the telephone poles are screeching
and i cannot put the power back on
i don’t have the power to do such a thing
i don’t have the power to do such a thing
i don’t have the power to do anything
to do anything
to do anything
show me once, how to do anything
how to do anything
how to be anything
how to be anything
how to be anyone
how to be anyone
how to turn back on
can this turn back on?
a product of loneliness and sadness.

7/4/24
newborn May 2022
she giggled
and she’s pretty
and she’s skinny
and she goes out with boys
and she’s fun
and she’s funny
and she’s great to be around
and she makes me sad
and she makes me mad
and she doesn’t acknowledge me
and she’s perfect
and i’m jealous
and she makes me wanna die
and i hate feeling this way
cause it feels wrong someway
but anyway
she’s pretty
and she’s skinny
and she’s a ghost
in the wrinkle of my brain
stop tormenting me by being in close proximity to me
5/5/22
newborn Aug 2022
i don’t care what she did
i don’t care what she does
she’s my friend, after all

my sister told me she’s full of red flags
she hasn’t texted me in over a month
she’s grounded, i’m guessing
(i’m low key glad we haven’t texted much)
(she can be kinda overwhelming)
i feel like a horrible friend for saying that

my brain hurts because she was always
so kind to me
she accepted me for doing nothing
i never had to prove myself when
she was around
yes, she may be problematic, but aren’t we all?

my sister told me to stop hanging out with her
and being friends with her
why would i break off a good friendship?
we’ve never done anything bad together

she tried running away with her boyfriend
his name is andrew and he’s much
older than her
in june, she told me he was good for her
and i was happy that she was happy
was i wrong for that?

now she’s reckless and crazy
(not that she was never before)
she’s only friends with ****
addicts and skateboarders
i’m the only exception
i’m the only normal stable (kinda) one

i hate getting confronted about my friends
i’m a good girl and i’m not a doormat
i know when things get sketchy
and when you should run away

i’m starting to rant, but i don’t
think it’s unhealthy  
who knows what will happen next
at least i get writing material out of this

(it’s just an innocent friendship)
WHAT AM I GONNA DO???

8/12/22
newborn Jun 2023
as a girl with a brain who is taught not to use it
to abuse it
to misuse it
i refused it
concluded
that i wouldn’t yelp about every single non congruent disillusionment
told to be angry
to be discontent
with the world and its faux barbed wire
but i’m not discontent.
i am quite very content.
started this, then finished it on the plane. this is about me refusing to be a victim.

written 5/29/23
published: 6/24/23
newborn Apr 2022
i am trapped.
glued to the floor.
quicksand around my ankles.
enveloping my lungs.
can’t breathe.
can’t stop.
dragging me down to the depths.
the depths of inescapable nightmares.
tumbling.
sinking.
begging.
screaming ****** ******.
sand filling my throat.
scratching my esophagus so roughly.
clawing at my sensitive skin.
scraping my neck.
open wounds.
hourglass specks falling on top of me.
quicksand pulling me under.
can’t think.
can’t breathe.
arms reaching for anything.
branches, safety—more sand.
bubbling stomach with layers of salty sand.
pleading.
suffocated by the dust.
head underneath.
engulfed by the vicious sand.
gone.
that’s what i will be if this won’t stop
4/29/22
newborn Jun 16
good thing it’s not tomorrow till tomorrow. so i will sit on the edge of an eclipse, chasing moonlight specks from the balcony. i look up and it’s always you. there is always a someone i seem to feel the need to chase in the stars instead of just sitting incapsulated and quiet. letting the wind whistle between my cheeks, allowing my hair to flow and move in whatever way it deems worthwhile. so many things have convinced me i was not worthwhile, that i was more a currency than human being. i let the weak tell me i was weak, i let the strong arms go for a more lonely route. i let myself be defined by the amount of words that slip my tongue, i let my name be uttered remorselessly from lips that only wished the worst in me. silence allows thought, empathy, love. i am silent and content. sometimes it feels almost too easy to remain at peace with every single attack and blow i receive, but next time i will be more ferocious. i will growl and fuss and scream for my sake. i will take your words and aim them at you with fiery eyes. seemingly a coward, i am just so brazenly tired of feeling not enough. for speaking, for lack there of, for being the one who stares at stars instead of laughing at unfunny things and associating loudness with eagerness and loudness for being simpler to love. i am a silent shooting star, begging to be watched by passersby’s too busy staring at their screens to see.
i’m made a fool for not wanting to talk all the time. someone was being rude to me yesterday and now i don’t wanna hang out with my friends. i’m fine being alone. i can’t wait for college. i’m gonna try to get extremely good friends in college so i don’t have to deal with small town people anymore. why do people have to be so mean? like i don’t have to act like an idiot and goof around for attention to be worth something. i’m sad.

6/16/24
newborn Dec 2022
it’s been raining for centuries
into the bottle i have put out on the porch
watching the water drizzle into its plastic casing
having knocked it over every single time i try to pick it up
i let it sit by its lonesome,
but by the time i got up that morning,
the bottle was knocked over and the water was trickling out
i buried my face in my palms
as nothing i love is permanent
not even these tears of mine
first period sad be like:

10/18/22
newborn Jul 2022
WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY BODY IMAGE ISSUES?! i wanna be skinny, i wanna be flat chested, i wanna have a slim waist, i wanna have a flat stomach. why do i want these things though? I AM SO SICK OF HATING MY BODY OUT IN PUBLIC, WATCHING MY LEGS MOVE IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR, ERASE, ERASE, LOOK AWAY!!! oh please please please, i wanna be pretty, i want to love my face like these other beautiful girls who make thirst trap videos and get all the boys on their side. IT’S NOT FAIRRRRRR!!! I WANNA LOVE MYSELF, I WANNA LOVE MY BODY DANGITTTTT!!! WHY DID SOCIETY MAKE THESE STANDARDS?!! WHOEVER DID DESERVES TEN THOUSAND SLAPS TO THE FACE TO REPRESENT HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND GAGGED AND WANTED TO JUST QUIT EATING!!!!! I DETEST YOU WITH ALL MY BEINGGGGGHH!!! I HATE STANDARDS, I JUST WANNA BE GORGEOUS, I WANNA BE STICK-THIN, I DON’T WANT THIS STUPID ROUND STOMACH, I AM SICK OF IT!!!!! BUT I CAN’T STOP EATING BECAUSE THEN I’LL HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND EXPLAIN MY PROBLEMS WHICH THEY’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY’VE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY, BUT I EAT SIXTEEN APPLES A DAY AND THEY STILL COME AROUND!!!! I WANNA BE LOVED AND PERFECT BY SOCIETY STANDARDS BUT I QUITE POSSIBLY MAY NEVER BE!!! THAT’S TERRIFYING TO ME!!! HELPPPP MEEEEEEEE
can anyone relate? if you can, i’m so sorry :’(
i just had to get this off my chest

7/25/22
newborn Aug 2023
you think you are entitled to me 24/7. sorry, that’s not how this is going to work. i do not have to pick up the phone every hour of the day. i do not have to ditch my priorities for you and only you. i do not have to apologize if i can not speak to you. i do not need to write about you so you can be immortalized. i will stop imprinting your name on every word. i will stop talking about you. you’re real good at talking about yourself anyway.
some people are so entitled like oh my gosh. who do you think you are? my friend never asks about me and then suddenly it’s my fault if i can’t pick up the phone because i’m busy. i can’t anymore with selfish people.

just a rant lol.
8/20/23
newborn Jul 2023
2020
i’ve never felt more alive and grounded and sure and proud to be who i am. ivory skin, sticky socks on hardwood floor, duets between the mirror and me, squished eyes, staying put on carpet, laughing and yawning and exhaling and inhaling. the curtains kept myself to myself and i smiled like the world would never come to an unexpected close. all the panic ensuing beyond my wooden fence. safe and free and i was able to be seen in my own reality not tainted by the smoky film that used to collect the corners of my mouth into a scowl. light peeking from the window sill. and i could breathe, breathe, breathe. i really could. the endless days, the ***** pijamas, smells of soap, granola bars, patience, inheriting the personalities of the people on tv.


2023
i know you hate me but i love you too.
i love you. i know you don’t realize it most of the time, but i truly do. happybirthday.

7/25/23
newborn Dec 2021
You remind me of summer and delinquents and the end of the world
Of cars crashing and ashes and lips licking swords
Of concrete and Outer Banks and distant cold
Of silence and sadness and charcoal stones
Recuerdo
I remember those days so vividly
It’s almost like I can touch them
And you
newborn Jan 2022
don’t fall for the man who looks at you like an object
don’t fall for the man who can’t respect your boundaries
don’t think highly of the man who blackmails you into things you don’t wanna do
don’t fall for the man who’s spitefully erasing your name
don’t fall for the man who “never loved you anyway”
don’t fall for the man who twists your words in hopes of your own insanity
don’t you dare stumble for the man who will replace you in five days
don’t fall for the man who calls you pretty but not smart or kind or his best friend
don’t fall for the man who acts poised and proper unless he’s alone with you
and don’t you dare fall for the man who doesn’t fall for you but wants you to lick his wounds and bring you home to his parents so you can be the centerpiece on his set table while you are dying inside
don’t you dare fall for him
don’t you dare
He’s not worth all that trouble
1/26/22
newborn Apr 2022
park benches and arm stretches
hugs that feel like roses blooming
like footsies fooling
diehard chasers and fearless makers
high heels carving holes in the concrete floor
how is that possible?
holding hands on carved bridges made from men so long ago
touching each other’s shadows
behind telephone poles
dreaming mid-yawn
spinning in silk and satin spindled suits and dresses
red streaked eyes and tempered smiles and luxurious bodices
dancing on picnic looking tabletops
laughing our butts off
swinging from low hanging chandeliers
drinking from low budget wine glasses with koolaid since we’re minors
laying on each other’s chests and stroking each other’s hair fervently
trying to ***** dance in the sparkle of the sunlight
catching each other as we fall into trusting positions
pretending to be spies on top secret missions
grabbing my waist and falling onto the sparkly clean floor
becoming so mad yet never unsure
captivated by your lips and the way your skin twinkles a million different shades
and the way your voice calls my name in a billion languages,
some completely made up even
meticulously planning the way our shoes will leave marks in the dusty spots of the castle
sweating and eating brunch for dinner and not eating filet as an entree but as an appetizer
falling into your strong arms and losing control of what we are
seeing stars in the retinas of your eyes and mysteriously feeling dead-alive
like never before
nobody would have ever seen the manner in which you bat your eyelashes at me
and how the soft murmur of the breeze echoes across the coarse part of your cheek
and calls for me
safe and compact into a life that’s so magically intact
loving would never have been so tranquil if we had planned every single sought after moment
candidly slow dancing in the velvet summers day
being odd and obscure and strange in several colors and in multiple ways
touching the surface of your ocean wave body
sloshing so wonderfully
the rhythmic sound and all your capabilities
the rampant sweat clinging to your face, your throat,
looking at me
clowning around, tackling each other while grinning wildly
pillow fighting so hard the feathers exit and get caught on our wet tongues and shivering bodies,
and we collapse and watch hours and hours of tv while we sing karaoke from the 80s and pretend to be heartbroken like in the mvs
sitting on established thrones without the grueling jobs and committed work
losing sleep cause we stay up all night playing monopoly, but mostly it’s just you making fun of me cause i don’t participate i just grab my knees and admire the way you pick up the cards and still lose to me
and watch your rage fuel our fake arguments so we end up with full stomachs and happiness
watching theater from the highest balcony and grabbing my shaky hand and ridding of my anxiety
lovers spit, kissing cherry lips in the darkness of the abyss
kicking papers off of desk offices and messing around as if we are two tiny kids
having the kind of love that doesn’t get trapped beneath the sofa cushions that are crusty and ready to give away, but haven’t yet
the kind between gapped teeth, white as ivory, licking the dwindling flavor and savoring the last moments till it’s not sugary
taking life so seriously is absurd,
instead dance ballroom style on tabletops and try ***** dancing for once in your darned life
it ain’t gonna hurt
sooo when i was writing this, half of it got deleted because my storage is trash and decided to take it out on my notes app :’(

anyway, it was so so so so good, but half of it got deleted so it will never return. i went through all the stages of grief. right now, i am accepting it. i cried and sobbed until i fell asleep, it was honestly really sad and still is.

i’ll never get it back.

ok so basically i wrote this poem because i listened to Sebastian Yatra’s song of the same name and i am obsessed. the music video was adorable and i want that kind of love for God’s sake! like unfair!

i hope i find carefree love one day, i hope it all turns out ok. rip to the other half of this incredible poem. you will be missed.

4/8/22
newborn May 2023
my skin has red blotches of scaly patches all over my arms and my legs and my face and my neck and everywhere
they dwell as if they own my body and i put a do not disturb sign on my door and i locked the windows and i bolted the door to the moist ground in hopes they would never return
i thought i evicted their jaws out of my property, but they return like an unfinished disease
these skin problems linger and travel like rockets around my disgusting body
multiplying, in deadly divisions, making me claw against my skin, feeling like the human kind of razor blades

and here i am, red and angry and beyond eager to get this over with
i feel like a foreigner in my own body

eczema  

originally written: 8/14/22
published: 5/23/23
newborn Aug 2023
in moonlight mist beyond my fingertips
i trace the lunar patterns and come down
with a fulfilled thrill cast fishing pole hooks
inside the wild Milky Way galaxy
starlit strips against my lips reflected
by striped curtains folded on window panes
sweet Sirius on stilts along the brink of
reaching slight nightmarish ultimatums
hosted by my own unenthused gimmicks
that sink upon sheepish fragility
imposed by God, the sole pure deity  
though one must utter to the stars thinking
they are to suffer alone, forsaken
instead awakened by the knock of morn
super proud of this. might make sense; might not, but that’s the world idk. thanks for reading :)

8/2/23
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