You wake up
Every day

Food past lips
Nothing to say

Heart does flips
Love in play

Your breakup
Leaves life gray

You still wake up
Every day

Just to do it again
In a different way

The thing about dealing with abuse is that
It’s always a losing war
Every victory is small
And every loss substantial

Victory comes in small gestures
In sneaking an extra scrap of food
In one extra swallow of water
In managing a rare good night’s sleep

But loss comes with pain
With marks across skin that will never fade
In sleepless nights so numerous
In the loss of weight
Of sleep
Of comfort
Paid for with blood

More than just the obvious
Are losses that you never knew
That you could never miss
Because they were never there

You have no childhood
No friends
No love
And no home

Perhaps worst of all is the loss of yourself
Which was already so undefined
Drawn in soft geometry
Easily whisked away by the wind

Losing comes with madness
And self-loathing
So that all you can think
Is that there must be a reason
So it must be your fault
Because that’s all you’ve ever known
All you’ve been taught
And all you’ve been told
Forcing you to live in ignorance

And so those small victories you so cherish
Are when you remember your name after having forgot
When you have a dream of a memory long lost
Or when you manage to forget it all

For the abused
True victory never comes
Even if you are saved
Victory is only found
In what we so often take for granted
A sound mind
A bed
A good nights’ sleep
Food
Love

We are all victorious
Who have lived free from abuse
And will never have to live
With the scars suffered
By those who have lost so dearly

"I love you"
"Don't fight this"

"I hate you"
"You're worthless"

"Save me"
"You're everything"

"Leave me"
"I'm nothing"*

What people seem to miss
Is that life would be simplest
If thoughts were kept inside the head
Because everything is better left unsaid

I'll be the first to admit
Depression isn't just an illness
It's an action to commit
It's a life choice for the loveless
And we choose it
Because we need it
We don't know how
To live without
Our transgression
Of depression

The epic tales
All end the same
With the hero
Emerging victorious

But in real life
Most are not heroes
And we often
Emerge beaten
And bloodied
And unable
Or unwilling
To try
Ever again

Smile often so that they don't know
Drink often so that you won't feel
Smoke often so that you can't think
Lie often so that they don't hear
And
Most importantly
Always remember the truth
*Life *****.... Then you die

Pain
Holds the virtue
Of strength

Loss
Holds the key
To satisfaction

Love
Is an ignorant form
Of bliss

Death
Is the path
To peace

Life
Is the road
To accomplishment

Hate
Is the cause
Of evil

Set me free
Among the stars
And I guarantee
That I'll go far
Driven by the need
To get away
Set me free
For just one day

I want to know
What it's like
To live a happy life
With no bruises to show

Where every face
Holds a smile
Without the façade
Of a happy soul

Take me away
To a happy place
Where every day
I can find peace

How lonely the moon and stars do look tonight
In an ebony black sky they are all that's in sight
Shining so brightly and in the sky so very alone
Empty, frozen space is their soley known  home
White light is the loneliest warmth that is found
Giving knowledge of nothing else being around
So distant from anything they can say they love
Only able to watch over us oh so very far above
They will never have the nearness they so yearn
Observing so painfully with silence, they mourn

My decisions are fallacious
My thoughts are surreptitious
My heartbeat arrhythmic
And my soul tormented

I help none
Speak not
And seek no intimacy

I am contemptible
Hated
Degenerate
Low
Lousy
And
I am nugatory

Infinity is limited
Only by our
Imaginations

Unfortunately
Our imaginations are also
Infinitely limited

I've worked hard
And smart
And have still gotten nowhere

What most call inspiration
To me
Is nothing more than a gruelling process
Of trial and error
And determination

Sometimes good intentions
Bring the worst of outcomes
We must take the incentives
Of dispelling ignorances
To prevent ourselves
From failures

Sometimes less
Is simply more
When you're fighting
A loosing War

Maybe then
The casualties
Don't have to be
So heavy

Life Of Loneliness
Like One Lie
Love Only Lost
Lost Off Land
Looking Over Lines
Longing One Love
Losing Our Love
Last October's Light
Life Old Loathing
Loathing One's Life
Leaving Over Loath
And
Laughs Of Lies

When using words to describe
None have to know what's felt inside
Making words the easiest
Way to lie

Life Only Lets One Live On Lacking Of Love

The sooner we accept how alone we are
The better off we'll all be
As so many people look out so far
Across the land and the sea
To try and find someone they can love
It's such a sad waste of time
For love and the lack thereof
Even if we find this superficial feeling
It won't cure the loss inside
I pity those who are still believing
No one in whom to truly confide
We're all alone and we always will be
Lost and never able to be free

Some people write poems
Because they were lost
And then found
But I have not been found
I write because I am still lost
And that is who I am
And I accept it

Someone once said
That only once you've lost everything
Are you free to accomplish anything

Well I've lost everything
And I'm still waiting for my freedom
To find me

If I can accomplish anything
Why can't I go back to the way things were
before I lost it all?

The floor rises and falls,* it breathes
The walls churn as they move
Bugs crawl under my skin
As I stumble around the room

A clock ticks in the corner
Though it hasn't run for years
I scratch my face thoroughly
As I drown in salty tears

The basement's full of monsters
Voices murmur and scream
My hair comes out in locks
From my forehead rolls off steam

There is no sense of time
Only anxiety, and fright
I want to fall asleep*
But I know I won't tonight

Shout onto the wind
Yet none will hear
A tangled mind
Full of fear
Scream to your consent
Till throat is raw and red
But what will it have meant
If to nothing it has led