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Casey Mar 2019
Today is the 29th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.
I should know.
I had a report on it for my final last year.
Funny how that works.
Now it's stuck in my head forever until I forget again.

I know I will.
I always forget.
It's a symptom.
My ******-up head is destroying my memory.

I can remember basic things, but I forget things that occur.
I don't remember what I ate for dinner yesterday.
I don't remember what I talked to Blake about yesterday,
so I don't remember why he's mad at me.

It *****.
It makes me come off as uncaring when I forget these details about somebody.
That's probably why she sees me as uncaring.
That's not true.
I do care about her.
It's difficult to express for me.

I was raised in a way that didn't include the teaching of sympathy or empathy.
I know this sounds horrible, but if my dad left, I wouldn't be sad.
I wouldn't be happy either, but I wouldn't be sad.
He's already shown what he thinks of me.

I've never good enough.
I get a 4.0 for a semester and a 3.9 the rest of the year and I need to "try harder".
He's always telling me, "you're not trying," or "you're not listening", and I hate it.

How would he know about what I think and feel?
He's not me.
He's set on me being this perfect ******* angel child that I can never be.
He tells me that I'll never be able to pursue an art career and should focus more on studying than drawing.

I don't care.
I WILL be an artist.
I don't care how long it takes.
I'll be an artist and shove it in his face when I have my own studio and open a gallery.

**** the nonbelievers.
I can fly planes AND draw.
Just watch me.
If I don't off myself by then.
More journal stuff from my phone.
Casey Mar 2019
I had those random thoughts again.
Such as; how people pick you last for the first game of the semester played in a gym class, even though they don't know how good or bad you are.

It's off of appearance alone, which is *******.
"Oh they look thin, they're probably not good at (sport)."
What the **** does that have to do with anything?

When we played soccer, I showed up everyone else,
even though I was picked last.
They had the nerve to say to me, "Wow, good job!"
As if the notion that I was good at a sport was some sort of miracle.

Whatever.
Not like I played soccer for eleven ******* years.
Not like they knew that since sixth grade.

The way they say, "Wow, good job!", makes me sick.
They say it to me as if I'm unable to be good, just because they perceive me to be horrible at sports.
They sound so surprised.

Another thing's been stuck in my head ever since I've read Paper Towns.
John Green mentions people seeing mirrors of others as who they believe the person to be.
I find this true.
People love to think that they know someone very well, when they only know the version that they've created.
Green says we need to see through the window to see who the person actually is.

Which seems ******* impossible.
But it's not.
Just talk to them instead of assuming.

They've already built a mirror of who I am.
Of course, it's completely wrong.

I'm not some boring skinny twig that can't talk right.
I'm not smart, and I'm not rude.
I have emotions, and I really care about others, much more than myself, even.

That's not who I am to anyone else, though.
I have these journal entries on my phone that I'm posting here.
Casey Apr 2020
There,
chilled in the KwikTrip fridge,
a holy grail
from the beverage
aisle.

The cause of the lightness of my wallet
that waits
behind the glass.

Staring back at me.
Our prompt was to write a parody of Pablo Neruda's "Ode to a Large Tuna in the Market"
Casey Mar 2019
It's that feeling when you wake after a long sleep.
And the sun streams in through the window on your face.

I would give anything just to stay like that forever.
Getting up takes too much effort.

It's that feeling of heavy-lidded eyes on a long car ride.
The steady, low hum of the highway lullaby.

I beg sleep to meet me there.
Yet, she is evasive.

Because it's not what you see when you dream.
My attempt at describing a color.
Casey Mar 2019
I hate the word "perfect".


Nobody can be perfect.
It's literally impossible.

They say, "Don't change, you're perfect as you are."
Humans can't be perfect.
It's not in our nature.

Our media portrays perfection as people's personalities painted in pretty pastel.
Don't be fooled.
Perfection is disgusting.

Perfection
is tearing your hair out over a simple dashed line
in front of the "A" on the report card.

Perfection
is raking chewed cuticles across your cheeks
for missing the kick in Phy. Ed class.

Perfection
is spilling your guts out after every meal and screaming into the mirror,
"Am I perfect yet?! Am I good enough for you?!"

Perfection
is ripping apart the artwork you poured your heart into
because someone pointed out a flaw, and now you can't unsee it.

Perfection
is gorging on painkillers
as if they would take away the emotional pain, too.

Don't you dare tell me that I'm perfect
because perfection is disgusting.


I hate the word "perfect".
I'm tired of people saying that perfection is something to glorify and strive for. Some people are literally broken apart by the expectations of perfection.
Casey Jan 2019
My turn to go up next.
The teacher glances toward me and nods.
I grab my instrument and walk to the front of the room.
A chair and stand awaits me.
I set the sheet music on the stand and take a seat.
"Whenever you're ready," he says.

I lift the french horn to my face and pause.
I remember the people before me who went,
eyes full of fear.
Hoping with every ounce of their soul
that they won't mess up.
My chest constricts tightly.
I struggle to take a breath, then begin.

The first note is perfectly on pitch.
So far, so good.
The phrase flows smoothly.
The piece goes well,
until I take a risky glance around the classroom.

A knot forms in my stomach.
Everyone is looking at ME.
Expecting ME to do well.
My fingers fumble as I miss a note.
I panic and rush the rhythms,
not caring if I miss the pitch.
I just want this TORTURE to be over.

Their gazes are icy.
The piece ends and I swiftly let my instrument down.
I hang my head low.
The ones before me look grim.
Surely I had disappointed them

The director says nothing.
The silence is KILLING me.
I feel my face flushing red.
The room is getting warmer.
"Next?" He asks, prying that I should take my spot.
I get up and take my things,
then do exactly that.

The next person plays perfectly.
I applaud with tear-stained hands.
They are praised well as they walk to their seat,
beaming in glory.

Who am I to pretend
that I understand this madness
called success?
Playing your solo for the class is never fun.
Casey May 2021
"If you're a guy, why do you carry around a purse?"

I stare at her, hard.
My gender therapist, questioning me?

To carry my ****. Why else?
Don't impose these stereotypes on me.


Also,
my jeans don't have pockets.
okay,,,, first of all--*****
Casey Apr 2020
Take me to where the sidewalk ends.
Past the dark streets that wind and bend.
Return me to what I used to know.
Bring me to the roads diverged into the wood.
Let me take the road less traveled as I should.
I refuse to stay along this normal path.
Our prompt was to pick our favorite poem(s) and write a response.
Casey Apr 2020
My favorite season
is the bite of the wind as it brushes your cheeks.
It's the cushioning of a purposeful fall.
It's the muted gray skies and the hush of the world.
It's the crunch of the frozen fractals that support and keep you from falling in.

My favorite season
is the echoes of voices bouncing from the trees,
the only sounds to be heard.
It's the coze of a warm drink and the crackles and pops of the fireplace.

My favorite season is the temporary loss of visible life
until only by my favorite season's death
does the world start to breathe once again.
Prompt was to represent our favorite season.
Casey May 2020
We dance on the stage, ballerinas practicing our routine.
We watch from the audience and applaud.
Personalities painted in pictures of pretty pastels.
Don't be fooled.
We may entertain ourselves with the blaring lights of the stage,
but it's a heatless fire.
Casey Sep 2019
The story we read in class today talked of the narrator's father
seeing his home of Italy as an old country he left behind
to carry on with what he started in the USA.
I'm not so sure that that's good.
When you forget where you come from, you forget yourself in a way.
There was a part of you that grew up and learned about life where you
used to preside.
Why would you want to lose that?
Thinking about it now, I do realize an obvious answer;
perhaps your hometown wasn't too great of a place
for someone like you, or maybe growing up there had bad
experiences.
In my mom's case, she left behind the city for the country.
She grew up in (REDACTED) with people she knew for forever.
But she always told me that she knew that as soon as she left for college,
she wasn't going back to that place.
Having to go out and buy cigarettes for your parents because they
don't have their driver's license will do that to a person I guess.
We do these things called quick-writes in LA class which are short, 5 minute responses to a poem or prompt or picture or short story that the teacher provides.
Casey Sep 2019
Prompt: Explain the story behind a picture from your camera roll
(date of picture taken: August 30th, 2019)


The picture is a simple mirror selfie, but the story has more to do with what I was wearing.
Earlier that day, I went to the mall to shop for my homecoming outfit with
my friend, (REDACTED).
It seems trivial to someone else, I guess, but to me, it was a big deal.
It was because I could drive and because we were at the mall against
my dad's wishes that added to my nervousness of it all.
I went to the boy's section of the clothing store because I'm really short,
and (REDACTED) helped me pick out a suit.
My first suit.
Just wearing the suit jacket, I couldn't help but smile like an idiot.
It was so....right.
I don't know how else to explain it.
It was as if all those little pieces just fell into place and everything felt
all right.
For once, everything in that moment felt good and perfect.
I didn't care about the curious looks from the middle-aged moms.
I felt....euphoric?
Euphoric.
Gender euphoria.
Casey Jun 10
I was born running
heart and mind ceaselessly churning
never-ending, never-ending
Told to keep running, encouraged, demanded

I got older, the path got longer
The coaches scrutinizing from the sidelines
Yelling, constant, demeaning
It's not enough it's not enough

I despise it
I can never catch my breath
I cross the finish line and another appears

I've learned to stop and walk,
put up boundaries, healing healing healing

My legs planted now, but my heart and mind ceaselessly churning
Life isn't a race, I keep reminding myself
But I was born running
Anxiety :3
Casey Jul 2020
The fact was, I didn’t want to because I was afraid of addiction.

But then I had this thought—
1. if you do it right, it’ll only be once so you won’t have to worry about that.

That’s how it all starts, right?

2. Just this once,
you swear it to yourself,
only one time.


Except we all know it’s never just once.


3. You don’t even want to, but at this point it’s become more sort of a, “Why not?”.

4. Staggered footsteps and a headache later, you forget your feelings.
Regret doesn’t matter when you’re too busy giggling at the spinning ceiling about nothing.


5. But then you crash.

And you’re tired.
You’re so ******* tired.


6. Rinse and repeat.
Don’t do drugs kiddos.

P.S. Renny if you’re reading this it’s about CoFFeE.
Casey Jan 2020
I know I promised not to,
but man,
am I bad at keeping promises.
Just another shitpost, keep scrolling
Casey Mar 2019
There are times when I can't remember
what I had for breakfast,
or what I said a minute ago,
or what day of the week it is.

But the one thing I can never forget
is the way I just SAT there
and did nothing.

I can never forget the starving look in his eyes,
or the repetitive thoughts of
this isn't right, I don't want this.

WHY DIDN'T I LEAVE?



"Why didn't you say no?"
I'm still so afraid...

Constant thoughts that everyone's using me, I'm just some gullible toy until they get bored.
Casey May 2019
Sing a little song of rain,
to wash away the heartache.
To scrub clean your skin, clench your teeth and take the pain.
"Flush out your mind, it's all fake."

Sing a little song of sun,
to crush your chest into your ribs.
To change your name, lower your head and know that respect can't be won.
"No one will believe you, you're telling fibs."

Sing a little song of wind,
to ride the kites into the sky.
To hang on tight, 'cause this tempest tears silks and requires fears to be tinned.
"Everyone watching from below had waved their goodbye."

I can no longer sing the little songs from my jaws,
my throat is swollen and raw.
The rain has flooded my thoughts,
The sun is what I have become,
From the wind, to a better place I'll be brought.
Hang in there guys :)
Casey Dec 2019
I know I’m one day late, but happy 2 months hrt sis :)
Casey Feb 2019
i.

I find that it's often other people's things that we accidentally break
except for our own hearts.


ii.

In a dream I once had, my dad said this bit:
I know it's tough right now, but you need to pull through. You can make it.


iii.

And from my mom, in a few years her picture will sit on the bookshelf:
I love you. You will survive yourself.


iv.

Maybe all of this was one big ******* mistake, but oh god, not you.


v.

Be there for those who care, otherwise, those who care will seldom be there.
Casey Dec 2018
for my dad


sorry i couldn't play sports you wanted me to
we both knew that my fate didn't lie in running
or golf,
or soccer.

sorry i couldn't be the perfect sweetheart daughter.
i couldn't pretend to be someone that i wasn't.
dresses,
lipstick,
blush,
flowing hair.
dysphoria.

sorry i couldn't always be happy and smiling.
i knew that you wanted some distraction
from what was happening with mom.
but, it got to me too.

sorry i couldn't be a straight 'A' student.
you knew i was capable of that.
but we knew with my restrictions that i would never earn an 'A' in phy. ed.
"what about uw-madison?" you would say.
and i always replied, "they're just letters."
just letters....yet they robbed me of motivation,
energy,
happiness.

sorry i never said anything you wanted me to say.
maybe that was why you would always hit my face
and never anywhere else.

sorry i didn't have any worthwhile talents.
i knew you hated my art.
you'd come into my room at times to look at it.
and scoff, and call it ****.

sorry i.....


No.


I'm not sorry that I can't be who you want me to be.
I'm not sorry for being who I am.
i don't think standing up for myself should be called 'attitude'.
Casey Jan 2019
A long time ago, I used to stare into the sky.
Watching with amazement,
breathtaking glory.
That was until you happened.

I felt a fluttery feeling in my stomach
every time we talked.
I began to realize this feeling.
It's what they called
love.

We were young and dumb.
Hopeless adventures.
I used to think,
maybe,
"does she love me back?".
We could talk for hours
and never tire.

Suddenly,
hours seemed like only seconds.
Every moment we couldn't be
together
was a living hell.

I became too invested
in you.
I abandoned my health.
Sleep didn't matter
anymore.
I'd lay awake until you would respond.
Messaging until the new morning.

I started to worry about how you thought
about my looks.
I parted my hair differently.
You saw it, smiled, and said,
"You made my day brighter."
I was foolish.
I thought you loved me.

Various unfinished artworks.
Too afraid to give you my confession.
I remained quiet
but somehow
you already knew
and said nothing.

Until that fateful day
my dad forbade me.
I couldn't spend time with you anymore.
Only in school.
That was all.

I grew depressed,
started prying open my skin.
Wanted to feel pain.
Wanted to feel "alive".
I quit after my mom saw the first scar.
You knew
but said nothing.

I told you about
my restriction
on seeing you.
Next weekend,
I am brushed off like
A broken toy.
Once used, now boring.

You brought someone else.
I was shattered.
I sunk further
into this endless void.

Eventually, my sexuality got leaked.
You were hesitant around me.
Nothing was the same.
Nothing.

You knew
everything.

I decided to end it all
right there.
11:34 p.m.
I sent you a text.
Waited for a response
with tear-stained cheeks.

You knew
everything.

You told me those words.
You saved my life.
A week later,
you had the other person over again.

I throw away all the art.
Everything I poured my heart
into.

I sink deeper.
You never loved me.
I knew that
but said
nothing.

Here we are
once again.
I pull back my sleeves.
That red spot on my wrist
it looks like a burn,
except it was pencil.
Scratch.

It reminds me of the night sky.
This mark is my
star.
I feel like I owe an explanation. So, in late 2016 into early 2017, I fell in love with one of my best friends. The problem was that she was straight and didn't know I liked her. I got too invested into my feelings for her and tricked myself into thinking that she could've liked me and was toying with my feelings. I was delusional and paranoid and got jealous when she would spend a lot of time with her other friends. Eventually, my feelings for her faded. Then in March, one of my friends sprung loose the secret that I wasn't straight and people weren't that nice to me as a result.
Casey Sep 2019
The room that we called a "porch"
because that's what it was supposed to be
before it was enclosed with walls.

The room that we used as a fridge in the winter
because of how cold it would get.

In summer,
the room where the cat would lay, sun-basking.
Shedded fur floating like petals in the air,
illuminated by the sun-streams through the window.

The room with the handy outside-facing lock
so that your brothers could lock you in
when they were annoyed with you.

The room that was renovated into a part of the house
rather than an enclosed porch.
Ending the many uses,
but still containing the memories.
Written in my LA class, inspired by Bathroom by George Ella Lyon
Casey Jan 2019
In Vilna lives a young Polish girl, so wealthy and carefree

Suddenly, away goes she and her family

Taken by force, pushed into a truck

Belongings stuffed into a trunk

A train awaits as they file in

The door closes and the light is dim

The young girl asks, "Where are we going?"

Her father replies, "Only the Russian soldiers are knowing."

Weeks fly by on the railroad

Ever so slowly the train goes

The prisoners alike arrive at a town

Once again pushed into trucks and carted around

The girl and her family arrive at a mining camp

The grandmother says repulsively, "We look like tramps."

"The land is so flat!" The girl remarks

"We're in Siberia...." The father says with a heavy heart

Silk clothes soiled and heads hung low

Into makeshift mud houses, the capitalists go

The landscape, nothing but brown and dried grass

The young girl thinks, "how long will this heat last?"

To the gardens, she goes

To **** the hundreds of shrunken potatoes

Her family is to work in the mine

On little bread and cheese, they dine

Finally relocated to a nearby village

Everyone so hungry, none dare to pillage

The girl goes to school and makes new friends

She wishes hopefully that learning won't end

Her family with their own mud house

Having not to worry about a single mouse

A letter arrives one day

To war, the father must be sent away

He takes the train to the front lines

Everyone says their goodbyes

Weeks later, the newspaper arrives

Heavy casualties reported, from those same front lines

They receive a letter from the father

"I'm alive." It reads, "About crying, don't bother."

Winter creeps in and nothing is left to keep warm

The girl steals coal and wood shavings thinking, "it couldn't do any harm"

Quickly the money goes by

The young girl takes up knitting on the fly

Her knitted sweaters earn them milk and potatoes

She spends less time with her friends, though

The little mud house too cold to bare

They find new people to live with, no warm clothes to wear

Years pass and the girl turns fifteen, not young anymore

Seven years they have spent in Siberia, living like the poor

Word arrives that the war is completed

From Siberia, the Germans had packed up and retreated

A letter comes, saying that the little family can go home

They take the train and upon arrival begin to roam

The streets are barren with nothing left

They find their house, not spared of theft

The father appears much older

The weather in Siberia was much colder

Than what Vilna, Poland was like

The girl takes her father's hand and family alike

The years of exile are done

The war is over, the Allies have won
I made this poem October 11, 2016. It was for an LA book project. This is based off a book I read, The Endless Steppe. I had to write a total of 3 poems for the project. For the first one, it had to be a summary of the book. FYI, the book takes place during WW2.
Casey Jun 2020
Once upon a day of spring, while I thought, in the early morning,
Over many an empty and ignored notebook paper on my floor—
While I was writing, nothing shocking, there was a sudden knocking,
As of something frantically pounding, pounding at my chamber door.
“ ‘Tis the poet’s muse,” I uttered, “knocking at my chamber door—
I’ll let it in, nothing more.”

Ah, with sorrow I can recall how onto pages the words would fall,
And every phrase was brought to me from a tempest to the shore.
Eagerly I searched the sands;—digging for them with frenzied hands
I would find my poems, but I can—can never find them anymore—
For the wretched but beautiful language that was once my being’s core—
Beyond my reach, evermore.

And the symphony of a distant dirge filled me with a sudden urge,
Enthralled me—thrilled me with lavish courage felt certain times before;
So that now, in spite of what is real, I opened the door with zeal
And asked, “Muse, will I never heal? Am I destined to find empty shores?”
A buffoon was I, for nothing but a whisper far off from my door.
Quoth the whisper, “Evermore.”

“Be that word your leave, fake muse, you mirage!” I howled with grieve—
“Stay no longer in my presence, knock no longer on my door!”
But the whisper, the muse, remains still lurking outside causing me pain—
Incessant knocking, there’s no refrain—more papers strewn on the floor.
I plead with the muse, I beg it to take flight from my chamber door.
The muse just states, “Evermore.”
LA Assignment was to write a parody of Poe's poem "The Raven". Fair use and all that, I don't claim to own this since even though I did write it, not every phrase is original so therefore don't credit this to me.
Casey Mar 2019
The worst kind of death
is the kind that eats away.
Year by year.

The kind of death
that saps strength
'til there's none left.

The kind of death that can't be cured; only treated.
By injecting radioactive chemicals
into her bloodstream.

The kind of death that she tells me,
"feels like I've been hit by a truck,"
every morning when she wakes up.

The kind of death that steals
her future and mine,
and causes even the hardest of heart to cry.

The kind of death that comes with a genetic mutation,
a survival rate of 10-15%,
and 4 years left to live.

The worst kind of death
is the kind of death that is killing my mom.
And eventually, will **** me.
Yeah....

life is kinda mean.
Casey May 2020
From card games and Legos,
towns of plastic people,
an architect of those tiny bricks.

From apple trees
and “sword”-fights with snapped twigs
on a summer breeze.

From road trips,
endless hours in that suburban,
endlessly asking, “Are we there yet?!”.

From curious clumsiness,
burnt hands on stovetops,
and scraped knees on pavement.

From the frozen creek,
gliding—no—flying across the surface,
on well-worn blades.

From Michigan trails,
glittering lakes and skipping stones,
hot against my palms from the sun-scorched sand.

From grassy, unkempt fields
behind an unfamiliar school,
painted with white lines and home to an ambitious team.

From “the sticks”,
or the country, as it’s better known,
bittersweet memories follow so that wherever I may go,
forever this was home.
I've tried to publish this poem for like 2 hours now so **** it sorry guys you don't get to see the cool description that was supposed to be on the one that was supposed to get published.
Casey Sep 2019
Tragic heroes have tragic flaws.
At least, that's what the sophomore language arts teacher had taught.

Juliet and Romeo,
ignorant obsession.
Macbeth,
unchecked ambition.
Achilleus and Agamemnon,
self-righteous ego.
Tragic heroes slew by the pen for a lesson.

What about the ones that succeed?
How could they possibly have flaws?
We hold them on a pedestal for all to see.
Maybe they truly were perfect--at first.

It's easy to fake a smile.
Nothing has changed, we are the same.
Not every flaw can be seen at surface level,
and they're not necessarily vices.

For instance, loyalty.
Now that'll get you killed.
Put that into perspective,
and we're all just tragic heroes with tragic flaws.
I know this doesn't make much sense. It's content though.  Yes, I'm back!
Casey Apr 2020
I
want
  to
    ******* i n g
                     die
Casey Oct 2021
Am I recovering or just distracted?
Casey Jan 2019
Pure, white light.
Nothing to surround you.
Floating in an abyss.

Breathe,
draw in, paint it out.
What do you see?

Swirling colors,
anything you can imagine.
They flow from your lungs.

Away, to an abysmal sky
of pure, white.
Black pinpricks.

Connect the stars.
They will guide
and set you free.
UwU
Casey Oct 2019
UwU
It's not your fault.
Whatever you're thinking about blaming yourself for, It's not your fault.
I know it may sound dumb and obvious, yes, but I want you to know
it's true.

These words are now yours,
this poem is for you.

And if you must draw things against your skin,
make it a pen and not a blade.
Create something so beautiful that it would make you sob to destroy that.
Because that's <i>you</i> and you're beautiful.

Everyone glorifies being stoic and strong,
I want you to know that you don't have to be strong to make them happy.
It's okay to simply just
be.

These are my favorite words that I've ever been told,
so now I'll tell them to you:
I love you. You will survive yourself.

No one can tell you who you are,
because only you know.
And that's a beautiful thing.


Stay proud, my friend.
Be you.
For my UwU boi
~ Caz


Sidenote: holy fricken-snackin, it's literally taken me a week to upload this because my internet *****, i'm so sorry.
Casey Jul 2021
You don’t know what’s next, and that’s alright
You never really understood the idea of success
It is, in its nature, a self-defined word

You always thought you had to prove your worth
Why?
You felt the need to change something, and become noticed.
You wanted to be known.

I can only offer what I know so far.
You have to learn to validate yourself
Otherwise you will live your whole life trying to please other people.

I know that twisted wrist behind your back, I know that fake plastered smile,
I know the gritted teeth and the tired eyes.

Walk away.
I’ve always been a people pleaser and now in therapy I’m learning to finally put myself first. It’s weird and I’m defo not used to it but yeah.
Casey Jan 2019
you do too.

And soon, I am to follow.

— The End —