knew it wasn't healthy
scrolling through old texts.
you snuck time to text me
you weren't doing what you should be,
" Je t'aime a la folle",  I love you madly.
morning by morning
my screen lit up
every morning waiting for you,
my heart flutters like its all brand new.
ur consistent clues
it's like you just knew
how much I had fallen for you.

you read me like a book
understood how I felt with every look,
we stood so strong
strong for so long,
not even recognizing our insane compatibility
it was easy, to just be.
you made me feel proud
loving me for me
genuine, compassionate
can't you just be here next to me?

my phone misses your calls
I want to be the person you confide in when you fall
but you don't,
you don't want to reveal yourself at all.
standing on your own
please know you're not alone.

Lost my keys
Couldn't find my phone
Work dread
Mood swings
Overlapping thoughts
Very unstable
Uncertainty
Intrusive thoughts

Scared of future
Freeze on past
Angry in present
Want to change everything about me
Move away
Start over
Annoyed with myself
Cold to sweating frequently

Dissociation
Wanna be loved
Needs hugs
New beginnings
Pets bring comfort
Listening to my breath
Quiet is helpful
Empty house is peaceful

I need patience
I need someone to take time with me
I need someone to listen to me

You didn't seem mentally ill yesterday
Yesterday you were so happy

the days I feel
my brain is blocked,
I take a step back
go for a walk.
no phone needed
through the neighborhood.
searching for peace
a quiet state of mind,
finding ways
to leave it behind.

it's crazy to think
some people's lives just started
some people's lives just ended
all over the world.
a celebration of life has begun
a mourning of death has begun.
no matter your age
no matter what stage of life,
everyone's still learning.
experiencing
healing
growing
making mistakes
maturing.
sure some have it easier than others
sure some have it harder than others
but in the end,
we have the chance to live
to live as in to be present.
we are here on this earth
while others aren't
recognize your opportunity
to be.

put ur phone down
Listen.
Listen to the space between us
Listen to our voices conversing.

you tell me things
I don't need to know,
sure yeah I'm over him
but I don't care about
knowing him anymore.
I've finally let go
I moved on
finally.
I know you guys are like family,
but him and I aren't.
after so long he's out
of my head.
Please don't bring him back,
my energy won't
be taken by him
anymore.
I made peace with our goodbye,
but that doesn't mean
I've fully healed

panicked about future and life
i don't feel like i know what i like anymore
i don't think i know what i'm doing
i worry about not being right
i don't understand why i feel so lost with myself
i want to do so many things but don't feel motivated
to get anywhere specific
all my hobbies feel mundane
i don't really feel like i know what i want to do with my life
i don't want to miss out on things i'm supposed to be doing
i feel like i've been going nowhere
stuck in time but pushed forward
how do i know what and where i'm supposed to be
if every place feels boring
i want to make a life for myself that is fulfilling
i don't know what that is for me

i don't know if what i'm feeling is burnt out
lack of inspiration, motivation
i just don't feel like me

words in my mind
won't fall off my tongue
wondering what there is to become.
once ago I let myself go,
fast I fell through time
my heart floated and fluttered,
soared and forgot what land was about.
so high in the sky
cuz he was all mine,
once ago I let myself ago.
love and loss
I felt so distraught,
my world crashed down
so far as almost never to be found,
and in an instance I was so distant.
I've grown and changed
rejected and accepted,
regretted then reconnected
with myself.
never wanting to love again
I wouldn't let myself go again,
leaving me terrified to fall that deep
it was as if I had lost my feet,
the ground had never been so steep.
but here you came and I fell
never believing a person like you existed,
I resisted from letting myself go.
but here I AM telling myself not to say no
and instead give it ago,
because we aren't just dumb luck.
I'm sorry if I'm timid
please just bear with me,
I'm trying my best
to give you my everything.

you can't curb that kind of chaos
until the thinking changes
until the foundations change
until the chemistry changes
and it's difficult

the best thing for me to do
is just for me to try to keep my side of the street clean
instead of trying to fix everything
just remove myself from any situation that is or
could become toxic

s3 ep10
repurpose the trauma

feels like i've been starting forever
the finish line keeps moving

you have no idea what your doing
and therefore you're invincible

she was trying so hard not to be seen
but her BEAUTY was so captivating last night
so bright but shy

my younger self as i age
i notice the pattern of growing fonder of myself
making it known to myself
i love me
little me deserves the world
and so does the person i am today
i will continue to work on loving myself
wholeheartedly with all my flaws

so far i think the universe is trying to teach me....
i only need myself and a few close friends
i need to stop looking for things to be so sad about
i need to give up on her
i need to be a bad *****
it is important for me to be alone sometimes
i need to journal more
i need to love myself
i need to stick by my own side
i need to support my family
i need to stop wishing for more than i have

I have been
down and confused.
feeling things
I used to
be used to.
it had become
a normal
but now,
it's new again.
feelings of guilt
for missing memories,
because the past
can't come back.
I don't miss the people
I miss the places
I miss the laughs
I miss the late nights
I miss the stupidity
the vulnerability.

your snap story?
my loneliness?
ur joy
my sadness?
I miss being loved so constantly and openly
I miss being checked in on
I wish I didn't crave such validation
But for my own to be enough.

You're voice was comforting even tho
The conversation was awkward.
It was nice to hear from you

why I say
"I wish you were an ******* to me"
you don't understand
how I want to be mad at you
how I wish things could work out for us
how if you were a bad person
I would feel less upset
About us not working.
I could give myself a reason
to get over you.
But of course
I hold onto
False hope instead