keep me in mind
when I am hidden.
when I keep myself away,
from the burning light of day.  

It's burnt away my nerves,
I can't feel a thing.
Numb to the world,
but feeling in the cold.

I've said it a thousand times,
I'll say it a thousand more.
I'm not the type to laugh,
I'll always shut the door.

So the cold is where I stay,
I can't sleep when it's warm.
I feel myself on fire,
always starting a new war.

Oh sunshine,
please die.
stop mocking my frostbite,
stop torching all desire.

Why won't you listen?
have you no ears?
I've been this way since birth,
I'll be this way for years.

I told you I'm not human.
I'm not the way I should be.
the tundra behind my bedroom door,
it's swallowed me.

Please don't forget about me.
I'm dying to leave.
I'm dying for someone to reach out,
instead I'm dying from greif.

Let's build a fire,
not the kind that kills.
But to melt the ice,
that's been holding me against my will.

Rather, just let me burn.
I'll turn to dust,
I'll drift away,
It's all a deadly lust.

Don't let me run,
tie me tight.
I need the fire,
but I think I might die.

Greif has
Clawed at my insides
for many years now
Greif like a river
I could choose to tear at the shoreline as the current dragged me
Or I could surrender into unknown currents
Allow it to take me
And so I fell in
And it brought me on quite the journey
I was broken open
I let go of who I was
And I grieved who I was before
And I grieved
Like a river song
Which needed to journey
With no inhibitions
No ego games
No fear for being
Raw
I feel that greif will always be with me
An old friend waiting silently at the gate
I've learned
It has just been a journey of love all along
love and greif
Are of the same source
They are of the same river
To greive is to love
To love is to grieve
A deep bow to those
Who have allowed greif and love
to etch itself into you, to dance
Through you
Reminding me at a time when I needed it that I am allowed to be
That I am safe to surrender.

The tears running down my face
I don't understand
The things you do
Why you do them
What goes through your head
While all this is happening
I cant even think straight
My life now
Is me stairing at a wall
Blankly
Consumed by sadness
That you selflessly piled on to me

I look in the mirror at my vacant stare
But I can't see me I'm no longer there
My body is numb my mind frozen in time
What has happened to this heart of mine

I pick up the pieces it's what they'll expect
Put on a brave face its what I must project
So many people not knowing what to say
Most when they see me turn the other way

I ask myself this question how do I carry on
I'm damaged and broken the old me has gone
I watch television but can't take it in
I try to read a book then throw it in the bin
I pick up my paint brush trying to paint a scene
But I can't it's not there.  I just want to scream

Ten years have now passed
Its took that long to find
The inspiration to write again from a clear heart and mind
I still look in the mirror griefs taken its toll
But my heart is no longer lost with my soul

your beard doth have

a villainous nature I think

one that would for want of mischief

whisper uncertainties

into a grieving ear

as such would cause

a flailing of tongues

and extract dire extremities

from a grief stricken father

who through an acid mist of tears

would summon a pale horse

to seek a blank claim for revenge

that would magnify

existing greif a thousand fold

such is the nature of your

villainous beard

begone I say from

this house of sorrow

or it shall be you

who in a box shall lay

without grief to borrow

you villainous beard

begone I say

I hate you
I can't stand you
I hope I'm never like you
You killed us
You beat us
You broke us
It took years to repair
All the damage that you caused
You never can recall
All the anger you
Displayed
While the tears ran down
Our faces
We had to learn to lie
To hide from all the pain
To keep you safe
Because you were supposed
To be our protector
You were supposed to be a father
An now matter how
Much you hurt us
We still loved you
We still took up for you
When the world turned
It's back on you
We tried our hardest
But it was never good enough
We always just a little less
Than the perfection
That you wanted
So you drowned us in a bottle
And all of your sorrow
Then we finally good see
All the greif an pain you
Caused us
We stood up to you
An you hated us
Threw us out
An we swear we would never
Be you I swore I'd never hurt
Anyone like you always seemed too.
Now that I am older
I can forgive you
But I'll never forget
The pain I saw every time
On my mother's face when
You hit her
An I'll never forget
The effect you had on me
Or the pain you afflicted on our family.

These lost years of loneliness and social depravity
Have left me with nothing except this written tragedy
I sat and watched as the walls of my life crumbled away
Into this contorted sensation twisting through dismay
These ceaseless rememberance sessions screaming inside
A dead fixed stare on old friends taking cyanide

These bonds have come together in such a swift motion
And, just as fast they've came to their abrubt destruction
Dispersing any tint of mutual belonging from view
Molding a sad landscape of sighs and failing virtue
Watching as the remnants of my relationships loiter
The catacombs of these stockpiled confession letters

If only I could say anything my empathy had to tell me
My skeletal pose might have perched upright in a higher degree
And I would of have grown to a more formidable size
A clear cut aspiration that I never came to realize
Until all that I held grew too big for me to carry
and left me to stumble and sleep at the cemetary

Scratching dead love songs on century old gravestones
Where the forgotten have slept for generations alone
Hoping the crude penmanship might grace a weary heart
Or help a looming ghost feel a taste of love and depart
From the fog filled graveyard parade that it dwells
A final ringing from the synapsis of the greif bells

Sparking the ruin of a memory that doesn't seem real
A fading echo of a brotherhood I wish I could still feel
Detached from a reality that lurks in a decrepit imagery
Reshaping my empty cognition through a fake neuro surgery
I've reached the point where I have no reason to find
A replacement for all these buried pictures astray in my mind

The beginning is a vicious start.
Of tears of joy and an open heart.
But we are fighting the inevitable,
As the fear of death can be incredible.
we will always be judged by our beauty
as people feel like it's their duty
to speak about us in horrible ways
do they not know that the sadness stays..

but although life can give you greif
you've got to go on with the belief
that through life you will learn from failing
and life is an ocean that you are sailing.
Sail it well as you've got one chance
live it like it's your last dance.

We dove into the wide deep Ocean,
And our bodies we smothered with blue,
For its what we were told
we had to do.

So we bathed in an endless bathtub of pigmented royal blue,
For its what we were told we had to do.
What we had to do.

We stood like mighty mountains of granite and stone,
We bowed in acceptance,
letting Blue Sink in further,
Further she gripped to our bone.

We listened as this indigo mystery whispered tales told in ancient tongues,
And we breathed her in like the crisp night sky as she slowly filled the hollowness of our lungs.

Diligently we dressed in her black velvet,
Worn smoothly upon our skin.
She brought us the love we longed for,
And So we let her in.

She wrapped all around us,
Gently rocking from side to side.
She showed us the big white moon,
And how to use the darkest forest as our guide.

And we fell ever more into her waters
And we fell ever more unto her song.
The Salty Ocean pulled us into her waves, and oh how we rode along.

Blue danced from our souls,
She danced from our fingertips,
She howled in growls,
And kissed the echoing prayers
Dripping from our lips.

Blue left us in madness clawing at whitened walls,
seeking her truth beyond the rises and far beyond the falls.

We crashed and we cried
How tightly she had tied,
Her laced clutches pried,
To escape; we tried,
But the Ocean goddess follows her own flow
And it is up to us to grow.

Please, says the cries,
Reveal hope in our eyes,
Rain blessings from the skies,
Lift us from the lies.

So staggering footstep by footstep
We learned how to walk on water,
And we churned with the deepest secret dance of the Earth and
Oceans daughter.

~~~~~\~~~~~}}}}}}}}}~~~~☆~~~~\\~~

Tides may change and years, they pass,
yet the silver shadows may still glimmer within the glass.

And I wear this cloaks chill
of blue still,
maybe I always will,
For it is one which I'll never know how to untie.

Though blue taught me not
to untie;
She taught me how
even on Winters frozen winds
we may catch with capes the icy breeze and set out to fly!~

The words make the way
They build a road into another age
In their comfort...
              ...Greif is kept at bay
The words reflects the heart of old
We find faded footsteps in their verses
Heart is built...
             ...when words vanquish the cold
In words of past
We incase our Hopes and Dreams
To keep Greif...
            ...at cast
With the words we do not only fight Agony
We learn
So we may...
           ...keep away further tragedies
Only in words can we Break Free...
           ...from PAIN
The Heart of a Brother… Lifts
The Care of a Mother… Gives
The Wisdom of a Father… Shines
The Love of God… Conquers All that Hurts

How can any words I sing with speak louder than the melody within your own soul?

If you hear one note think back on this,
Let you remember that in silence living is recognized.

It is a giver, teacher. Stag.

How can me words speak louder than any thought u might have?

A well of fortune, confidence and poise it mounts the plains.

If u become satisfied with your needs, even if they go unfulfilled, let it rest your nerves.


Let the quiet be your support, it's tranquility heals, it's company can be a friend thru the season of greif, winter.

If you speak with no thought, you mind is unbalanced, and the fire of your hell is fueled by the fear for solitude you hold.

Sing a song, don't just be a witness. Then smile during the pauses between melodies.

My heart mutters softly
The secrets of time
Madness and mystery
No reason or rhyme

The dawn greets me brightly
With fire in the skies
The glint of sword in hand
Reflects the world in my eyes

Fear and death lie ominous
In a vast nefarious abyss
Seeking the sinister sovereignty
Of love's fatal kiss

Crystal notes calmly cascade
Through the tragic tempest of greif
Sung by the spirit of the eagle's cry
Whispering the harmonies of belief

We met up at dobra tea.
Both our bodies were too long
For the tiny tables.
But we loved the atmosphere too much to care.
"I might have stalked you a little bit" she says
Handing me a slip of paper.
"I may have also read your poetry."
It's a poem about what beverage she would be.
I neatly fold it up and hand it back.
"It's perfect."
"Keep it" she says.
"Keep it?"
"Yeah, don't make it weird just keep it."
~~~
The beautiful woman now sits between myself and a bridge.
There is a bike path leading underneath towards the sun.
A guard rail separates us from the
Ocean and seaweed below.

All the trinkets in my pockets
Have been emptied onto the rocks beside me
So as I not hurt myself attempting to conceal them.
We sit against the guard rail holding hands.
"My mom doesn't let me show my sisters pokemon.
Because of evolution.
She's one of those super christians." She says.

"I'm an atheist
But every thing I've ever prayed for has come true.
So, I don't know anymore."

She sits on the guardrail and my head leans against her thigh.
Her fingers run through my hair.

There are so many things I want, that I can't have.
This get's typed into my phone and tucked away like a secret.
"Sorry" I say, and stand up, facing her.

Her forehead leans into my chest.
My arms hold her as I stare into the ocean.

"I have a song stuck in my head" she says.
"Sing it for me."
"I don't know the whole song"
"Sing the part you know"
"Well I only know one line and it's weird."
"Sing the one line, I don't care how awkward it is, I wanna hear it"

"Maybe I'm only in love when you wake me up."

"You didn't tell me you were a GOOD singer."

She reaches for my neck.

"What's your necklace mean?
Well it's the game of thrones martel sigil
People think it's for the show.
But it's for my ex's daughter...
A tattoo was a bad idea,
I can eventually get rid of a necklace."

We notice the sun setting and decide to check it out
As we get up and start walking,
I start to sing.
"I've never been the one to win it all."
~~~
I swing around a lampost and walk to the metal fence at my right.
I stare awhile at the sunset before
Crawling up the slanted wall to my left and sitting up top.
I scribble a note on the wall.
It reads:

"Dear god: please let me kiss her, Amen."

The beautiful creature still stands at the bottom of the ledge.

"You aren't allowed to say i'm a good singer when you sound like that." She says.
"It's like watching a live music video."

I run down and hold her against the metal fence
Our lips dare each other to inch closer.
She pushes her forehead into mine.

"What'd you write?"
She asks.
"It's not for you.
If you want to read it you have to climb up there and find it."

"Ooh you ***."
She crawls up the wall and searches.
"Where is it?"
"That's the fun, you gotta find it."
She finds it.
"This handwriting is awful.
I literally can't read it."
"I didn't want you too."
The sun sets and it's finally dark.
"Think it's dark enough to climb that building?"
~~~
We trek back through the woodsy path
It's pitch black and terrifying.
"We're gonna get eaten by cannibals"
"There's cannibals in maine?"
"There are in this particular part of maine."
We get to the school and start stacking milkcrates like a staircase.
She puts a wooden pallet against the milkcrates
Propping them against the wall.
"You're brilliant."
"I have good ideas sometimes" she says.
Testing the water my feet scale the landmark.
Then come down to support it
While the lady goes up.
After she's safe I follow her.
Adrenaline hits us.
"We're on a freaking roof right now."
"Are we going to fall in?"
"Is there like a trick to walking on rooftops?"
My body plops down and looks at the sky.
"Oh my god...
Please look at the stars with me "
She lays next to me.
"You know how I've been saying I've been transforming a lot of good little ****** girls
Into blood lusting sirens as of late?" She says.
"Yeah."
"I'm starting to think it's not just girls."
"Can I say something cute?
Or would that make things harder?" I ask.
"Say it."
Her breath is sweet.
You have the body of the most gorgeous woman I've ever slept with.
The personality of the woman I fell in love with
The dorkiness of my first high school girlfriend.
The eagerness to get to know me of someone new.
After my ex left me I said I would never love again.
I've been having tons of meaningless ***
Striving for company.
Greif ******* my feelings away
But you.
I'd buy a ******* house with you.

She kisses me.
"Why do you have to be so perfect?" She sobs.
We stay like this.
She moans and wiggles.
We hold our bodies together.
You wanna know what that note on the rocks said?" I ask.
"Yes."
I tell her.
"I'm a terrible wife." She says.
"And I'm a terrible atheist."

Drown me in floral and hope
And dip me in my mother's blood
Since its in me anyway

I think about it all the time.
I do it even when I'm not sad.
I hide it like a crime.
It's not a fashion fad.

I like the way it feels, looks, the relief
The sensation and satisfaction
But I hate the way it it brings greif
The after a the of the action

I do it all the time
Even when you take away the knife
I give no warning sign
I just don't want to lose my life

We sat huddled in the hallway,
we were muddled in the mud,
we were cuddled in the corridor,
we were flooded by the flood.

We were crying in the courtyard,
we were staring at the sky,
we were praying you were peaceful,
we were feeling you would fly.

We hoped you went to heaven,
we were children of the Lord,
we were losing faith so quickly,
our faith never was restored.

You can't believe in Jesus,
when he takes your friend away,
but you must believe that heaven
is where you friend will stay.

Or can you have it both ways?
Think she's moved up to the sky,
but the devine power that led her there,
also made her die?

My faith was never very strong,
this secured my disbelief,
there's no god watching over us
who filled our lives with greif.

When will I walk here again?
On this crispy gravel that my blood has spilt upon
That with my cuts have shared their sting
When will I feel this again?
The sharp poke of golden leaves
Raked into a mountain
And fallen like a kingdom
When will I see this again?
I favored the papery tree
Peeling cream sheets of bark
When will I smell this again?
The tang of York patties
The comforting scent of cigarette smoke
It lies in my veins now
When will I see you again?
The greif and ash in the folds of your skin
Your hand clasped around a warm tupperware of tonight's leftovers
Your foggy, yellowed glasses
And the hat I never see underneath
When will I hug you again?
Feel your denim clad arms encircle my growing waist
Feel your tears on my cheeks

For now I stroke your wedding ring
And ask myself questions

Too many things about life
Make me feel mournful
I often times ask why
As if the stars had any answers

I always hurt by caring too much
Expecting similar effort in return
This time thought I could maintain control
Some habits too deeply rooted to unlearn

There seems to be no magic number
Of heartbreaks able to change my ways
Come back to the very thing that destroys me
Resolve weakens in a matter of days

Each time I crash a little harder
The throbbing gets worse, injuries more severe
Plunged into a deep pool of denial
Would rather live a lie than face you not here

Although the agony is somewhat unbearable
Weight of dishonesty too heavy to hold
Know without a doubt it does not compare
To torment of watching our romance unfold

The most difficult decision I have ever made
Has been to give up on what I poured time into
Level the skyscraper that took eons to build
Clear unsalvagable wreckage and begin anew

Though all that remains are tiny pieces and dust
Of love we were so proud to call our home
I desperately scramble for answers in the ruins
Mind broken, I relentlessly comb

Looking like a pitiful fool
Witnesses point, scoff loudly, and stare
They don't understand how it feels to lose your heart
Should be embarrassed but I'm far too unaware

Oblivious to disarrayed surroundings
Aching nerves scorch muscles with greif
Any semblance of time long ago flew away
Have been trapped an eternity in a stupor of disbelief

****** sore palms red from scouring sharp sections
Hunting the same oversifted handfuls of our past for a trace
Of intimacy once lacing our brittle tired bones
Is it the feeling or just familiarity I chase?

All I know is functions halt when I'm on my own
Unsure if I can survive without you by my side
Whether its your soul or simply your presence I need
Or something else all together I can't decide

I was not clingy until you carried me on your back
Was not jealous before I discovered your power
One glance leaves head dizzy, drawing in with your charm
Emotions grow wild, stronger by the hour

So I'm stuck here stumbling mumbling incoherently
Staggering zig-zagging directions soaked
Love left me beaten, too ****** up to form a sane thought  
Mental state disturbed by the lies on which I choked

Conscience becoming numb, withdrawn into my shell
Long to close eyes for a semi-permanent sleep
I've not yet felt such emptiness before
An old hole reopens for each promise you failed to keep

Hopefully this will be enough
To secure chains constricting my heart
Lift the veil so my stubborn eyes can see next time
Stop the flood of high-pressure emotions before they can start

I cant do it again,
I only began to feel alive,
and it was so easy to pretend,
that everything you had forgotten was,
well.. temporary.
How could i not notice that you started to forget what i had said,
that repeating my self had become a common occurrence,
I cant do it again,
feeling as though my time with you,
was a heart machine i couldn’t view,
and when you flatlined,
i would fall to my knees,
but a prayer won’t save you,
god has no mercy,
I cant do it again,
I don’t want to dress in the color,
that absorbs happiness and hides emotion,
I don’t want to be encompassed by sunshine,
but feel darkness wherever I walk,
hear about you,
but not be able to see you,
see pictures of you,
but not be able to take one of you,
I cant do it again,
not only I had a wounded heart,
you didn’t just hop off the side of the boat,
but you sunk it,
with everyone waiting on the deck,
hoping that you would come back,
we all knew you had shot a hole,
in the side of the boat,
and as the water slowly inched its way,
from the bottom of our feet,
all the way,
above our heads,
we stayed standing strong,
holding each others hands,
as silence and sadness ,
greif and worry,
flooded our minds,
but don’t worry we survived,
we remember your story ,
every day,
constantly living in your memory,
even though you couldn’t,
but i cant go through it again,
I cant go to school every day,
waiting for a call to the office,
hopping they won’t have anything important to say,
because that would mean it was all ok,
but silently hoping the day had come,
because that day all your suffering would end,
and you’d go into the white light,
see your mom and all your friends,
but if there is one thing i know for sure,
is that I can not do it again.

The meek and mild
Have much within
To touch eternal
Neutral’s  whim,
To walk in step
With time’s embrace
And court  emotion’s
Unlined face.
To enter contracts
Soft and slow
Where stronger mortals
Will not go.
To savour life
In bland relief
Avoiding
Competition’s greif.
To throw the race
Before begun
And glide beneath
A duller sun.
Accept  restraint’s
restricted prize
Contentment
Sealed in compromise.


Marshalg
Victoria Park Tunnel
Auckland
26 May 2010

Some girls sell their virginity for five thousand dollars

My virginity was worth 25 dollars and a bucket of ping pong *****

I don’t see the guy much anymore, he’s very important; worth a lot more than a coffee date and a kiss on the forehead (or briefly on the mouth)

My dad knows I kiss boys. My dad knows I smoke. My dad says not to tell my mother, so I don’t. “Gauky teenage girl, smoke up, don’t tell your mother”

"Have a drink don’t, tell your mother"

"Take the car, don’t tell your mother"

He doesn’t know she’s dead. Dead to me. Dead to herself. Mourning someone with them at the same time is a weird thing. Stages of greif don’t come in tidle waves, they come in laundry fights that last 2 weeks, and sundays when we can’t get out of bed.

Its easy to romantasize parts about yourself that are untouched; that sound mundain, so they must be gold. I live in a college town. Someday I’ll be someone’s girl from indiana. I ****** a boy with sharp teeth who told me I was “******* beautiful”, but the reality about these things is that they don’t matter.

Every state has college towns (there are many other like it, but this one is mine). Being someone’s girl from indiana doesn’t count for ****, what does that say about me “my girl is a geographic mystery, because no one gives a **** about that *** **** southern mess”.

And that boy, with brown hair and sharp teeth told my I was ******* beautiful, but in the moment it made me uncomfortable. I didn’t like his body, or the way he sat. I thought his passions were redundant.

So don’t fall in love with yourself

Don’t say grace

Don’t kiss on the mouth, and don’t tell your mother

Beneath the Iron Gates,
A story so dark and twisted.
Never ending tunnels,
Greif hung in the air.

A black curving stony path,
Awakens every sense but sight,
Hear the air around you,
Steady pace, keep on.

Destination unknown,
But the journey,
Strangly is set.
this arbitrary determination.

Bare feet fall,
Upon the cold gems of the earth.
Guide them to the end.
That never will be reached.

What is that in the distance?
Chance of light, I believe.
But will the casted shadows grab you,
Before you make it to the end?

The Reaper stands above you,
But to someones surprise,
To you, He is invisible,
Run. From. This. Place.

Dont. Go. Beneath. The. Iron. Gates.

Hey, Have you forgotten about our loss already, am i the only one suffering any more. You dont show your greif if there is any.. and i dont know how to stop feeling...

We used to be so light hearted, things were easy it seemed.
Like our presence in eachother was all that we need.
But now we know that theres something weighing both of us down and I have read alot of articles but nothing profound.

Or maybe its just me, maybe I am the only one. And I feel so uncomfortable I think that you are too. but i can't seem to accept that notion, or find anything else to do... but just cry sometimes..

and i cry sometimes, God knows me well he knows my voice, and he can tell I am sorry... God knows my voice and he can tell I am greif strickin, why did we have to lose that chance. Our own unique....... well you know.

a little ..... something to real to say...

and now an everlasting "someday"

Its everlasting for me, oh orange rings sing so beautifully like it was made in me.... and it was....

You know it was.... how real was that, as real as me, or not quite.... right... not to me.

You were just one grade above me in high school.
You graduated last year.
You made big plans for your life and your future...
... But then the fateful day came fast.
The accident could not be stopped
And no one is to be blamed.

I went to your wake today.
I saw your mom, dad, brothers and sisters.
But who I remember most is your beautiful girlfriend.
You loved her to the ends of the earth,
but you left her behind.

I barley knew you, or ever talk to you
but what I do know is that
No mother should ever have to bury her own son,
It broke my heart seeing all the people you left behind.

As I walked past to view your body one last time,
I prayed
"God, I pray [His name goes here,
but I think it is most respectful not to say his name]
is safe in Heaven with you. I pray for his family. I pray that they are safe and will find hope and have faith in this time of greif"

I hugged your mom, dad, sisters, and brothers,
and your girlfriend
and told them how sorry I was..
.. but no words of mine can bring you back.
Nothing I can say or do can bring you back to us.

Life is short.
At the age of 19, you left us.

Nobody knows when their last day on Earth is,
So all I ask of whoever is reading this is,
To live life to the fullest and do not regret anything.

If tomorrow never comes,
Tell your loved ones that you love them
Apologize
Say "Thank you"
Take risks
Love life
Love your family and friends
and
Forgive your enemies

what a strange thing
this mournful pain
this longing for what
and who we've lost
for those who are gone
to places we do not know
cannot follow
this heartache
this broken hurt
this bitter fruit
we dare not let go
a hollow sound
an endless echo
a voice haunting
our every heartbeat
and is it not
above all
beautiful by its own right
its delicate necessity
how through its pain
we are also made comfortable
to be reminded
how fragile this life
how little time
we have to breath
how fast our nights fade
as if it all is but a dream
a bubble about to burst
nothing but ants
marching towards starvation
and one by one we go
a cruel act of kindness
to remind those left behind
how precious
how important
how necessary it is
to love

Hey, Have you forgotten about our loss already, am i the only one suffering any more. You dont show your greif if there is any.. and i dont know how to stop feeling...

We used to be so light hearted, things were easy it seemed.
Like our presence in eachother was all that we need.
But now we know that theres something weighing both of us down and I have read alot of articles but nothing profound.

Or maybe its just me, maybe I am the only one. And I feel so uncomfortable I think that you are too. but i can't seem to accept that notion, or find anything else to do... but just cry sometimes..

and i cry sometimes, God knows me well he knows my voice, and he can tell I am sorry... God knows my voice and he can tell I am greif strickin, why did we have to lose that chance. Our own unique....... well you know.

a little ..... something to real to say...

and now an everlasting "someday"

Its everlasting for me, oh orange rings sing so beautifully like it was made in me.... and it was....

You know it was.... how real was that, as real as me, or not quite.... right... not to me.

All this feels unfair
Watch my life spiral down
Truth is you keep unhappiness
Hidden somewhere buried underground

The day chains you wrapped around
Reality wriggle from your grasp
The day I escape for good
Your clutches I will unclasp

Able to make own mistakes
Is power in free will?
That is taken away therefore
Cruel prophecy I must fufill

There is not a solution to be had
Not any compromise to be found
Guard the door to maturity
Stubborn minds not able to reach common ground

Get bent out of shape
Each time go a tiny bit wild
Try to talk to you like an adult
Audacity makes me behave as a child

Trapped greif you need to cause
Gave me no other way out
A moment of panic I flee
Taking worst possible route

Won't come to your senses
Strip naked all you do fear
Nothing left to lose
What the **** will you gain by keeping me here?

When dawn struck the petals of her beautiful flowerbed
Her eyes would glow
A sweet amber glow
That stopped the rapid flow
Of the cursed river of yore
That flooded my unstable floor

Her happiness stuck to the roots
And her soul blossomed with the petals
Oh I love this woman
More than every petal
Of every flower
That fell upon the flowerbed
She cherished more then life

Then as she bloomed so did a lump
A lump that grew in her ovaries
That sent pain to my heart
Took my will to be strong
And ripped it apart
There was no cure
We both were fragile in our days
So we wept with the dew that fell from the roses and the white lilies
They cried while they wilted too

As we cuddled by the cold fire
In our final hour
When trying to be strong
Was our only power
You looked me in my eyes
Searching for hope
Searching for a hope I have not found myself and said
"Don't let my garden die like me
For I am that garden
I am the dawn that sparkles on the petals
Please don't let the dawn become the darkness we are in now"

I look into her eyes as they slip on the efforts of staying up for  my answer
A blank stare
That stares at nothing
But she listens all the same
"You my beautiful rose will never die"

She smiles as she falls into a deep sleep
Saying a goodbye that will not be said forever
I kiss her forehead and whisper
"I will see you in the morning"

I wake up before dawn
The trees were still sleeping
The flowers slowly dying
The moon still peeping
I bring out my rose and dig into her flowerbed
By the roses and white lillies
Then put her into the ground
She is still smiling
My wife has met peace
And I have met true love
Together will never wilt
I cover her in a mound of dirt
And wait for my wife to shine

As the sun began to be reborn
My wife was still gone
Gone like the moment when she said goodbye
I begin to curse my faith
I ask the question why
Why me
Why did she have to go
I aim my wraith to my creator
Why...
I bow my head in greif
Letting my tears fall upon a closed morning glory
That was not there before
It begins to open
I smile and say
"Good morning my love"

The night stars twinkle like the spotlights I used to know
Clear and fresh the silent air stirs with wind
Pierced by struggles and cries of innocence
The rush of Justice kicks in
And the night is quiet again
The night is mine to seize as I choose
Through training and greif I sprouted wings
And in the night I soar
Like the Bat himself

I hear nothing,
I see everything,
and yet,
all I feel is static.

Nothing,
absolutely nothing, makes sense
or has the same meaning
from one moment to another.

Fear,
Anger,
Mock,
is around every corner it seems.

Confusion,
Greif,
Ache,
eventually numbness sets in
and the blood begins to seep.

People fill the room and
soon your eyes feel heavy.
The voices stop,
all but one.
The declaration has been made.
The label has been made.
Sedative begins to set and your body goes still.

The feeling still there,
every molecule every atom.
every slice and every stitch.

The label placed,
and perfectly stitched,
Aftercare is key love, it must not rip.

The nurse stagers over and hands you a mirror.
The restraints released.
Perfectly, permanently placed,
The label you will forever see.