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Liz May 2
You get what you think you want
But you’ll never be satisfied
So get comfortable
Because that’s what growing up is
Denying your desires
Ignoring the itch

You want a piece of everyone
But keep your entirety to yourself
Collecting kisses
Assembling your gallery of lovers
What a beautiful collage they make

Spilling blush red paint
On the canvas of my lily white skin
Dye me technicolor
Like your t shirt
Roll me up and breathe me in

It’s takes more love than you thought
To fill your empty vessel
More pleasure than is acceptable
To pacify your self abuse

My tendency to pursue chaos
Out of boredom
To create my own tragedy
Rather than face banality
Makes me question this feeling

So I will **** it
I will suffocate my restlessness
Force myself into complacency
Cut out my tongue
Cut off my hands
Because I’d rather bleed out
Than reach for something that isn’t real
Liz Aug 2020
Your face calls to me
Out of the dancing candle light.
Your eyes beg me for love
That I don’t think I’m capable of.
And yet, here I am falling anyway.

We lay together
And I’m sorry that I can’t stop staring.
I laugh and look away when you ask me why
Because I can’t bring myself to admit
That the way you look tonight
Has me writing poetry in my head.

You fill me with a scared sadness
Because I know this feeling will die.
But at the same time
You charm sweet, desperate gibberish
Out of my sleepy mind.

And so I watch your lips
As loving nonsense spins through my head.
I wonder what will happen to us
How we will fall apart.
Because darling, you’re stunning
And every beautiful thing does.
Liz Jun 2020
I was a child
When fantasies of unending sleep enthralled me.
And every waking moment
Was spent pondering pain,
That familiar friend
That settled itself in my head.

The battle became so all consuming
That I was convinced
Of my dependency on it.
For art, for passion, for sensation,
I needed that ****** fight.

But as much as I believed
That the burn was a worthy sensation,
At the same time
Nerve damage ravaged my weak body
And my ability to feel,
Even that burn,
Seemed to have abandoned me.

This vacillating fight,
Between agony and paralysis,
Persuaded me, manipulated me,
Into believing it would never cease,
That I would never have a moment of peace
To breathe.

But I make myself dinner
And open the floral curtains
To let the golden, rural sun soak my kitchen.
This place is mine
And as improbable as it sounds,
I am alive.

And not only can I breathe
Without hearing violent screams
Echo throughout my body,
I sit on my grass green couch
And bask in moments of genuine, solitary

Look at me,
No less scarred and broken,
No less hysterical yet apathetic.
But these moments of elation
That I never thought possible
Are becoming more and more frequent.

Satisfaction and mourning
For the dark child I was
Are present together in my heart.
Side by side, I feel regret for lost time,
Lost moments of splendor
And delight in my growth,
Amusement in my perfectly okayness.
Liz Jun 2020
Because I loved you once,
You will never die.
Isn’t that good enough?
My love has made you immortal.
Your memory is saved in the collective consciousness.
Thousands have read the details
Of how you have changed me,
How you took a child and turned her into
The heartbroken,
Brave but unsure woman I am today.

I loved you once,
Now you will never die
Because you live in my words
And my words will live eternally.
I have given you the gift
So many tragic heroes die searching for
And you are ungrateful.
How dare you return,
Again and again
Asking for more?

Isn’t it enough?
For me to have loved you once
With rage
With lust
With young pain
And eagerness.
I loved you like only a child can love,
And I am not a child anymore.

Is it selfishness or selflessness
That keeps you by my side?
Is it love or fear
That keeps you at my doorstep?
Has your immortality filled you with hubris.
Made you brave
But only at my fault?
Have I created a monster with my words
With my love
With my pain?
Liz Jun 2020
Your sweetness is killing me.
I’m rotting from the inside,
Things are coming loose inside me.

Your beauty is terrifying.
Your enticing allure
Makes me shutter with premature grief.

Premeditated withdrawal
Peaks over the horizon that I am trying to escape.
I want the darkness of lustful ignorance
To surround me for as long as possible.

I want to live in these small moments with you.
Wrapped in each other’s touch,
Under the haze of youth,
We live in these moments,
Unattached to the world,
Absent of sobering context.

Then, we are apart
And the cold bite of my detachment shocks me.
That obscure reflection I see
Taunts me.
I cannot have you.

So I contemplate our undoing,
My famed disappearing act.
But mirages of your face
Keep me bound to you,
To those moments
That I wish would encompass my life.
Liz Jun 2020
I should have stayed lost
Out on those backroads,
Watching the lightning
Make the night clouds glow.
Because now I can’t stop thinking about your lips
And picturing us tangled together.
And now that I want you
I’m afraid there’s no going back.

I want to show you
How I open up.
I want to feel you open up for me.
You’ve invaded my mind
And the thought of you catches my breath.
The air escapes me.
My heart could jump out of my chest
Remembering the way you kissed me gently.

Part of me wants to fall for you,
But most of me knows that I can’t.
Most of me knows that you’re out of reach
And broken people like me
Should stay far away
From purity like you.
Because I will only ruin you.

But I am quenched by your kiss,
Sated by your touch,
And still so hungry for more.
I’m starving for words of affection
That I know I should not want.
I’m withering away without your validation.

I’ve been spending too much time
Staring at your sweet face,
Your strong body.
I’ve been spending too much time
Watching your smile
Make gentle lines on your cheeks,
Kissing them.  

While we stare
And laugh
I find it hard
To keep my heart from overflowing.
I find it hard to keep those words
Away from your ears.
The ones I told myself
I would not utter
Until I knew myself better.

I should have stayed lost,
Wandering alone,
Between two kinds of love.
Old and new.
Him and you.
I should have wandered into the rainy night,
Letting high grass caress my hips,
Sinking below their tops
Until I cannot be found.

I’d rather lay there
Until the brush consumed me,
Turning me into dirt,
Than fall into you
And out again.
I’d rather disappear into foliage
Than hurt myself
By loving you.
I’d rather been devoured
By those Pennsylvania amber waves
Than be in love with you.
Liz Jun 2020
Blue light slinks in under the blinds
And veils your face.
The shadow of your eyes,
Your jaw
Is bold against your glowing skin.
I try to float up to your lips
But I am clumsy and heavy.
And you are soft and strong,
Sweet and inviting.

My breathing is shallow
And my pulse deep,
Radiating in my chest,
Fluttering in stomach.
I could cry,
But I won’t.
I’m so easily overwhelmed by poetry,
I’m easily overwhelmed by melody,
By art.
You are their sum
And I am saturated by you.

The feeling is cold,
But my cheeks are warm.
Don’t scream,
I tell myself.
Don’t break down here.
Don’t let burdensome words
Escape your historically tight lips
That have now found themselves foolish.
Foolish girl.
I am weaker than I thought,
I am weaker than I need to be
To keep up this game.

But you make me gush.
My skin is flush.
I’m blushing pink,
Inventing scenes of your body against mine.
I’m dripping over you.
My legs wither and I fall into contra pasto
Memorializing the taste of you.

My writing is unwieldy
And you deserve better.
Your smile deserves grace
And organized meter.
Your hands deserve alliteration and metaphor.
Your arms deserve allusion.
Your eyes a rhyme scheme,
Your hair personification.
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