"Create a reason to create, if nothing it's a start" - Beans On Toast

I'm a Writer, Overnight Caregiver
and sometimes an UBER driver.
I'm an introverted Taurus,

who is always busy or excited
You sometimes can catch me
staring... I know it's creepy

I promise that I'll "try" to not get caught.
Pokémon GO gave us world peace,
Bitcoin paid off my student loans;

blessed are the geeks,
for the geeks shall inherit the earth.
This is my Real life bio.

If you are ever on a dating site
(Some people go download them for this sole purpose, I shit you not)
When you find a boy holding a fish,
Screen shot that boy.
And send that boy to:


He is a tradable playing card.

And If you give a name
(Most people use an Alias or "Username" but Many use their real names as well,

You can keep a tally of your number of fishbois on a public leaderboard.

(The leaderboards does not ever post the fishboi pictures, and fishbois are not gender exclusive. You can have photos of any gender holding a fish. )

More details by asking questions to fishbois@nicholascoulombe.info

Whiskers is a word that changes 
after love making with a man
Hands that hold, not touch
Scratchy lips, hands on my hips.
Whiskers, like the warmest blanket,
the safest harness, keep me honest.

If I have this with a woman,
she would make me godless.
Venom gets me off a tingle, 
like fanning singles at a stage
It proxies my craving,
drains my savings.

Whiskers can't be heard the same.
I meet a man.
He hungers for my frame.
Drinks me like a bottle
from the top shelf.
He had me on the rocks.

I'm not used to bodies
that aren't soft.
Show me hands that
touch, rough with callouses
I'm learning. I'm still teething
I'm seeing. Fire flickers in my belly.

Men feel different.
I like it. He's safe.
I'm empty. I stop bleeding
for blank canvases.
He holds me on his shoulders like Atlas.
I needed a foundation.

Instead of chasing strangers
I'm being taken by a man
who knows the finer flavors.
This is the way
I'm meant to be.
I can taste it.
This is so much better! Thank you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~An old bear, rams his ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~wheelchair into
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~the door, now peeling ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~with hope
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~the doors corner, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~buckles.

"Let me get a running start"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~he tugs back his chair

"Let me get a running start"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One weak rotation

"a running start"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~then another

"Oh, lord help me"
"Oh, lord help me"
"They won't even reason with me"

"Reason with me"
"Patty Can you come get me?"

"Kill me, lord"
"It's a matter of life or death"
"They won't help me"
"Lord help me"
"I won't"
"I won't"
"I won't"
"I won't"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The door clicks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A slow hum sounds as ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~two EMT's roll a ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~contented thin elder past ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~she glazes her eyes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~along the yellow ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~wallpaper that coats the ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~long hallway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~of Saint Joseph's, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Secure
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~De­mentia Ward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I, The Gatekeeper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~blockade the exit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~while the hum of ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~keeps us, secure.

"What the hell are you doin'?"
"There's a fire!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I assure the bear there is ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~no fire.

"There will be!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I place my hand on the ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~bears back, to assure ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~him
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~there­ will be a fire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I promise,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~that when the fire comes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I will not stand in his way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~That for now, at least
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~we can have no fire.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~His back receives my ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~hand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~as I thank him, for not ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~leaving.

"Thank me for saving lives."

"I'm so..."
"I'm Through..."
"washed up"
"washed up"
"washed up"
"I'm washed up"
"washed out"
"I'm washed out lord"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The EMT's return, and ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~open the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I again, block the exit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I assure him, I am sorry

"they think this is a game"
"oh lord help me please"
"let there be a fire"
"push and help me out"
"he turned it off"
"he turned it off"
"I turned it on and he turned it off"
"should i try to turn it back on?"
"or will he punish me"
"and bring me back to my room"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~He reaches for the fire ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~alarm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I let him ponder, then ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~touch his hand

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I assure the bear, I do not ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~punish.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~a­nd watch a man, whom ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~earlier I caught weeping
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~invite the bear to come to ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~his room
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~and take his medicine.

"why do you do this to me?"
"I just wanna go home"
"and see my family"

"a cult"
"I belong to a cult"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The man, whom earlier ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~wept
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~poin­ts down the ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~wallpaper, to a phone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~with which, the bear may ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~call his family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Then the man, whom ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~earlier wept
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~leaves the bear and I, to ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~content another thin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~elder.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~th­e bear, struggles ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~toward the phone

"Let me get a running start"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~one weak rotation

"Let me get a running start"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~then another

"A running start"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I bring him, down the ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~wallpaper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~and watch a woman, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~whom I earlier caught ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~smoking

"thank you"
"thank you"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~keep the phone, secure.

"You know, you're a miserable bitch!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Woman, whom I ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~earlier caught smoking
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~forks her tongue.

"miserable bitch "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~This poked, the bear.

"I own this place!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Catalyst to the elephant ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~of the zoo.

"Do you know who I am?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~His living wife, Patty
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~spent sixty years, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~abused.

"miserable bitch"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~As the woman, whom I ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~had not yet caught ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~smoking,

"you bitch"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~tells the story,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Patty visited Saint ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Joseph's, Secure
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dementia Ward.

"you bring me home now, you bitch"
"you bitch"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~Patty was always ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~listening

"T H I S".
"I S  M Y".
"V A C A T I O N,  N O W".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~God too, was always ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~listening
"T H I S,  W I L L  B E  Y O U R".
"H O M E".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Patty was free now
"Y O U,  W I L L  N E V E R".
"G O  B A C K".
"T O  T H A T,  P L A C E".
"W H I C H  Y O U".
"C A L L,  H O M E".

"T H I S  I S  H O M E".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~and for the first time in ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~sixty years
"T H I S  I S  Y O U R  H O M E".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Patty spoke,
"G O D  H E A R D  Y O U".
Patty is still alive and well
Patty is retired and has more children then toes.
I can tell you one thing Patty doesn't have.

to answer her phone, for the bear.
the darkest of my fantasies whisper
Your body is a scuba suit
insist i breath with your breasts, through your mouth
dive deep into claustrophobic waters, sink heavy to the rock bottom
where we petrify by gorgans gaze
i know we'll turn to stone because, of course, the gorgans can't resist gazing at You
nobody can resist gazing at You, land or sea.
Our permanent legacy, lost under layers of life
barnacles clinging, moss burying Our chimera god/snake skin

i am without Your oxygen
when breathing would terrorize the wind
where words belong
still, my forked tongue writes

i'm a theif to say i only want You to be happy
when i had You, it was still selfish
the revolving doors of pain and perseverance
more time invested in us
then money invested in the Pills that kept me from killing You
out of habit
You begged me to beat You
it's been seven hands dealt
rubbing my 5 o'clock sandpaper chin
on the tarot card of death
my tolerance for vacancy
a brownish red stain
i've only the thin line of medication between necrophilia and sociopathy
i want to lay with You at the bottom of the sea

the Pills... where are...
please no, God.
The Voice,            run!
         get out!

I would gladly go to prison
to fuck your lifeless body.

I would gladly kill Myself in the afterglow
of your affection.

there is only one true Sin, Objectification.

I indulge relapse
in every memory, find

your shed snake skin
pull it on, like your panties

how disturbed I've become
with you gone

how selfish of you

of course "I" blames You
when the Pills dull

i indulge by studying Your location

i know where You escape too
i want to go there
does that scare You?

i want to bump into You
apoligise for what i want

"want" as a word
is like plexi-glass, or kevlar

standing between Us
keeping the bullet safe.

i want a hard impact
in a school hallway

where we drop all our
Books and look up and You

see my ghost, that would be enough for Me

i want the impact to hurt.
i want the tumbling of all our Book's
i want the messy hair and ripped knees,
then Our
eyes to meet
and linger
I want to watch the fear fill you.
i want to sit there,

petrify from parcel tongues
as i gaze at Your gorgon body
shedding skin

if i shed my snakeskin,
maybe i'll see You

i can't leave this Poem
i can't leave this Poem yet
i won't leave this Poem
please kick me out
end Me
Glass trees

Princess pajamas, tippy toes,
an ice scientist smiled from her window.
"You are beautiful" she whispered
I watched silently from the doorway.

The ice scientist kissed her friends goodnight,
Then giggled at her sloppy lipstick stain.
soon, a flurry of more kisses painted the window.
I let out a chuckle.
This jumped  the ice scientist.

"Poophead Dada" she glared at me
Through a face of lipstick kiss smears
"I love you, too" I knelt
took wet cloth to her face.

"Yes, Poophead?"
"What temperature does love freeze?"
We stared at each other.
Her blue eyes sparkled with a single blink.
I did not expect this question.
nor did I expect,
the extent to which
we would find the answer.
In the audio recording you sent me
An hour of touching yourself
punishment for misbehavior
you giggle and cry at the same time
With a trembling whimper

It's too late now, for a confession.
We were never so honest, as our sex
Violent, passionate
suspending reality momentarily

Life's one true sin, objectification.
And now, you are a recording.

Your eye begging Me, The Cuckoo Bird
To Free you from your own fingers

like the cuckoo bird
My religion
Only gave me one hour
To howl, at passing time.
I warn to not set expectations in the face of discomfort or fear.

Not only could it lay thornbushes like barbed wire fence in way of people who may want to help you.

The weeds may also grow instead of you. Not just around you.

A room with walls made of thorn bushes instead of barbed wire may look like a sanctuary garden. But with four walls that no one will touch, it is still a cage.

Don't silence a helping hand, because you're insulted that it does, or doesn't feed.

Just hold it. Thankfully.
Until you do not wish to hold it any longer.
And then let go.
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