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I thought that saying goodbye,
would be the hardest thing to say to you.
And in a way it was,
but in another it wasn't.
It felt sad; it felt exhilarating.

I thought that love, all kinds,
meant giving you're all to someone.
But it doesn't, it means something more.
It means that you give them a piece
of yourself for them to cherish,
and they do the same.

But you can't give something away,
that doesn't exist.
I didn't understand at first,
but now I do.

I never loved myself,
I loved you.
I used to feel I would die
with joy from being around you.

And then I woke up one morning,
and I realized that I did die.

That the every miniscule piece of who I was,
had ceased to exist.
I realized that I was empty,
and always had been.

So instead of killing myself for your love,
I lived for my own.

And now I drive around,
listening to Tom Petty,
wearing red lipstick;
lips wrapped around the back half of a cigarette..

And I am so happy.

I feel free.
I feel like I can conquer anything,
because I escaped a painful death;
a death by you.

But then it was time to say "Hello again.."
and it was harder than goodbye.
It brang back the memories of sadness.
Of lonliness.
Of being afraid.

Then the moment passed...

*And I still feel free.
Sometimes I wish we would have met today instead.. I think we might have been better to each other.
Isn't it funny,
That you want things
You dont have,
and have things you don't want.
And you spend your time praying,
Trying to justify sin
And pass it off as love.
We get this idea in our heads,
That we aren't meant to be alone.
That the only point in life
Is to find someone to make you
Feel complete.
But if you need someone to fill you,
Isn't that just like putting a bandaid
Over a bullethole?
There's always the possibility
Of love leaving,
Of having empty spaces again?
I think its more important to
Complete yourself.
People come and go like seasons.
But you will always be stuck
With yourself.
So live and love as hard as you can.
As passionately as you can.
And remember that the last persons
Voice you'll hear when you lie
Down to drift off into eternal sleep,
Is your own.
I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire
Exhale desire
I know it's dire
My time today

I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence

Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It's on my sleeve
My skin will scream
Reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream
I hate this car that I'm driving
There's no hiding for me
I'm forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real
I could pull the steering wheel

I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence

I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence
And it's that we're all battling fear
Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
Oh my, 
Too deep
Please stop thinking
I liked it better when my car had sound

There are things we can do
But from the things that work there are only two
And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win
And fear will lose
There's faith and there's sleep
We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake
And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive
And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying
To let you know you need to try to think

I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence

I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire
Exhale desire
I know it's dire
My time today

I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence
Today, the 11 days are over.
You packed up your bags,
Stepped foot out of your house,
And that was it.
Your life will never be the same again.
I've sent you multiple messages the past two days..
And had to get drunk just to do it.
I wish it wasn't this way..
Wish it was easier.
But its not, Bug.
We've never been easy.
But through it all,
I've love you,
And you me,
And I suppose that's most important.
Today was my favorite singers birthday,
And I planned to *****-to-the-wall celebrate.
but as everyone else was tAking shots in her honor,
I found I was taking them to numb the pain in my chest.
You see, I could feel you leaving..
I could feel the pull of the universe shift
From south to north.
I tried to drown you out with alcohol,
But when igot home,
I had to speak to you just once more.
I had to tell you how much I missed you already,
How much you had meant to me.
Even if it was futile..
Even if i swore to myself i could be strong,
It wouldnt hurt me to see you go..
Oh, but it did.
I know I'm not number one anymore,
And I can honestly say that I'm happy you've found
Someone who doesn't bring you down,
Someone so different from me.
I know its gonna be hard for you..
I mean Jesus Christ, Ive been bawling for
The better part of an hour.
But you can do it.
I believe in you.
I always will.
I will miss you so much.
And I don't care who thinks they know you better..
Former number one or not,
I know you,
And that may be the only thing that never changes.
You ask me if I'm okay
And I can't even tell you
Because the words break in my throat
Like waves crashing against the cliffside.
How  can I look at something I knew
Like a scientific conviction
And believed in with a faith
Stronger than that of god,
And choke out the words,
"How could i still love you,
Through all this pain you've caused?"
I've always been broken,
Something that I've accepted
Like the knowledge that the sun comes up each morning
And goes back down at night.
I never asked for any of it,
And never asked anyone but God and Archangel Micheal
For help.
But you heard the echo of my plea,
And mistook it for a cry for your help.
I never asked it of you
Yet you acted as if I expected you to stop your life
To find and mend the pieces.
In reality,
All I asked for was your support as a friend.
But even that was too much.
You ignored me.
Me and my pain.
Maybe you didn't want to deal with it,
And I can assure you that I did not.
But you made me a million promises
And broke every single one.
I suppose you did it to protect yourself,
And through everything,
I've learned that from you.
I've learned to fight for my soul too.
So now I begin writing my goodbyes
Which will probably come to you in a thousand fragments.
But this is it.
The pain and anger over the last 6 months was heart shattering.
I've come to resent you.
For loving you so much that I can't tell you I can't love you anymore.
And even though I cherish and love
The people who laid next to me when I was sick..
Who never left or judged or pitied..
Who were just..
It will hurt every time someone mentions your name
Until the day I die.
And even when they shower me in the light of their smiles,
I will miss you like a bad habit,
And yearn to see your eyes
Like the steely kiss of cold metal on my wrist.
You left me.
I was alone.
You were supposed to be there,
but you decided who was most important.
I want you to know that it hurt me so bad,
I felt like I had died for a time.
But then I realized it was you who died,
and I mourn your loss.
The ghost of my friend hangs over my shoulder.
And I mourn you.
But this was your choice.
So when its all over,
and you have questions and want answers..
Find a mirror.
Because I won't mourn you forever.
I can't,
Lydia, Lydia,
There are broken angels
beneath your skin.

Your face is stone,
and white as snow,
where the color should have been.

Your husband is by your side,
middle school passion left undead.
Your sister over your right shoulder,
smiling like the day you wed.

You don't hear Zach's talk of cereals,
but a tight smile shows on your face.
The greif streaked grime of tears and salt
rims your neck like wedding lace.

Tomorrow you will rise
and pour milk into your bowl.
Look across the table,
just to feel your crushing soul.

To not see the eyes
that were there for twenty years.
To share no more secrets,
or confide her sisterly fears.

You both spent your life devoted
to three hundred sixty-five words
of repiticious hope.
Only to wake up with the flipping of a page,
to find a car bent in ash and smoke.

This hollow eyed shell I saw in the store
clenched her teeth up tight,
to suffer along like the people of The Book,
and hold Faith to Father of Light.

You made me shed tears for you,
because you made me come to see
I would never leave my little sister
By any of my own means.

I felt cheated for you,
so joyous in your Word.
To spread the light of God
to every part of Earth.

But now you are away,
taking flight,
still this young.
I go home with knotted throat,
and my eyes felling as if theyd been stung.

I've been thinking of you both,
by blood and faith.
I'm so sorry for your loss,
the unknowing,
all the rage.

I weep for you, dear Madison.
You lived only in a blink.
But I weep for you still more, Lydia.
And I pray that you won't sink.
A passing of the eldest sister in our home town this week, her sister having been a classmate. A devestation, to say the least.
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