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Kimberly Weber May 2019
This is not a poem.

I am a poet in my brain. And yet when I sit down to type, the words never come out quite so elegant; the point never quite as clear
When I monologue to the mirror as I cry on the bathroom sink, the power of it reverberates back to me, and I think “I should write this down”; but when I sit with pen to paper, my hand trembles and the message is lost in the shaking and as I type, the keys sound furious only because my thoughts don’t translate to ones and zeros

Hi. My name is Kimberly.

None of you know me. And that’s the beauty of this site. That’s why I reserve hello poetry for my emotional dumping ground. No one can know what I feel. Don’t ask me why, it’s an unhealthy habit I am desperate to cling to.

This isn’t poetry. It’s anxious rambling. It’s tears at 3am because I feel lost and afraid and sad and alone and I don’t know who to tell about it
It’s heartbreak and lust because I have no one to admit it to
It’s yearning for memories that I don’t know who to share with
It’s my diary pretending to be free verse; except it’s not an act, it’s simply a lie

There is nothing poetic about my work .It has no style or rhythm. But it’s the only way I know how to express my emotion any more... and I’m losing touch even with this.

I don’t know who I am anymore

I got the first D (3 of them) of my life last semester and now I’m afraid to go back to school
I’m afraid I’m a fraud. A scam. I don’t see why anyone should trust me or believe in me. I don’t know how my parents can still call themselves proud after the **** I pulled

I’m trying to be hopeful. Trying so hard to believe I can be something better, but everyday I find it harder and harder to will myself out of bed. Harder and harder to even try. I shower later and later in the day, always in the afternoon.

Unemployment doesn't suit me. But to go to work right now feels foolish.

I have a crush on what could be my best shot at the one.
But I can’t do anything about it because I am a wreck.

I am can’t sleep during the night, shower in the afternoon, losing myself to tumblr, spontaneously crying, hasn’t seen the light in weeks, $400 in debt, unemployed, unprepared, wrecked.

I am lost, and worn and tired and hopeless and I can’t make a move now because I can’t even stand on my own two feet. Hell I can’t even get out of bed, how am I supposed to date?
There is value in struggling through a derivation for the formula. What I mean to say is I think there is value in learning how to claw your way back from the dark. And I know I don’t have to do this alone, but also I think I need to do most of it. All of it, all of the clawing and fighting, any support should come in the form of encouragement.
But I refuse to use someone else as the crutch or the lifeline to get me through. Because then I have not struggled and have then not grown and have not then gotten stronger.
And so I can’t date him. Not now, not yet, and I’m so ****** at the timing of it.
**** it- I think- caution to the wind, love with abandon.
Yes but what about me? How can I take care of me? No. I can’t do anything until I can stand on my own two feet again.

God I miss that. I miss the pride I had in myself and the happiness I had at just being able to see blue sky, every day. I am torn between I love who I was and I hate who I am. I’m torn between I can come back from this and being afraid that I will never be enough to come back from this. That it's over
And that’s nonsense, I know that, but ****. I’m so afraid. Maybe I am less than I thought I was. Maybe I’ve always been less than I thought I was. But maybe I’m just less than what I used to be. Which is worse?


Anyway... I keep thinking its a switch that I can just click be better.
But It doesn’t work like that and I genuinely don’t know my way back.
I don’t.
I’ve tried every trick I know,  I did everything I could to keep this from happening and yet.

I am can’t sleep during the night, shower in the afternoon, losing myself to tumblr, spontaneously crying, hasn’t seen the light in weeks, $400 in debt, unemployed, unprepared, wrecked and I don’t know who to tell about it.

So. Here you go. Listen to my pathetic rant, my cry for help. I jettison this letter out knowing it falls on deaf ears. Deaf ears, but not blind eyes. I know when I publish this people will see me. They will see my pain and, I’m not asking for help, but at least they will see me, they will see my struggle and I will know I’m not alone.

This is the bravest I have ever been, and what does that mean? I am a coward.

I am not a poet. Never have been, and everyday I become less of one. So, thank you, for making it to the end of this abomination.
I'm okay. It's just dark right now. This was really hard for me to do. And I can't tell you how dumb I feel. But, this has always been the place where my feelings live. This is just my latest entry. I'm sorry for not writing a poem.
Kimberly Weber Jan 2018
"I roll the window down, and then begin to breath in
the darkest country road and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home"

And I am taken back to Yellowstone and Yosemite
And Patrick's Point and Brookings Oregon
And every other woody green-land I ever found myself
I can smell the pine infusion of moss and mist
The chilly and moist feel of it in my lungs

"Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between
shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home"

And I am on the ground in the dirt that smells like trees
I am in a sleeping bag without a tent or a mattress
I am next to my grandparents and they are telling me
Where the north star is, if that blinking light is a plane or a meteor
I see the strange and mysterious we found at 10 pm
And the deep dark beauty of space from the Great Basin
I see the intricate details
Of stars and planets and galaxies warped together
Against the all enveloping pitch black nothingness

"Do they collide
I ask and you smile"

And I remember every question ever asked
Every story ever told
The geography of the land
How to get unlost
The mountain lions and the swainson's thrush and the bears
Ghosts and water-babies and aliens
I've heard it all
And I remember everyone who ever told me these things
Always with a proud smile

"With my feet on the dash
the world doesn't matter"

And I remember my rides home from school
The clunky white van off in the farthest parking space
The way it creaked and receipts fell out every time I opened the door
How you would always let me get away with leaning back
Tossing my feet on the dash
And cursing and rapidly reciting my day for you
Every boring and gruesome detail

"When you feel embarrassed I'll be your pride. When you need directions, I'll be the guide for all time"

And all this does is remind me of my family. My wonderful family, whom I will always cherish

"For all time"
"Passenger Seat"- by Death Cab for Cutie
Kimberly Weber Jan 2018
"This is the moment that you know that you told her that you loved her but you don't"
We were back again in this same old bed
Familiar warmth and caresses surrounds me
And yet despite our careful, longing murmurs
I notice what we've left unsaid

"You touch her skin and then you think yeah she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me"
You finger trace my spine like always
And your lips find mine, and fingers intertwine
But I felt the dawning of truth, when you left me in the hallway

"The California sun cascading down my face"
Like mosquitos our love has always been a seasonal thing
Fleeting feelings of intense magnitude and devotion
Boiled down to a consistent summer time fling
Basking in the sun in your arms devoid of emotion

"There was a girl with light brown streaks"
That was me- the girl with light brown streaks
And I knew that I was beautiful
But I didn't mean a thing to you

"Yeah she was beautiful, but she didn't mean thing to me"

And in chorus we thought

"I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking as we moved together in the dark"

We had ourselves fooled
That we could beat the same old walls between us
Always making promise we cannot keep
For the sake of the comfort we seek

"As tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises"
And every time we step back we find more and more
Bruises on our souls and on our psyches
Beaten against what we cannot change
It is time we shut the door

"That you said you didn't want to fade"
We greedily cling to
Every mark from every collision
Every painful good bye
Because it's something that reminds me of you

"But they did and so did I that day"
But those memories are fading
And so our hope should too be fading
For things that are never going to happen
For the things that keep us waiting

"So when you ask, is something wrong?"
"I think you're **** right there is, but we can't talk about it now"
"No we can't talk about it now"

"So one last touch and then you'll go"
You'll kiss me in the car
At the airport where you'll leave
To the place that you call home
Where all the people who matter are

"And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more"


"But it was vile and it was cheap"
Every recurrence, every attempted resuscitation
Is a mockery and degradation
Of what we used to have
It will never be the same situation


"And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me"
What we had was beautiful
But it doesn't mean a thing to me

" yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me"
And I know I don't mean a thing to you
"Tiny Vessels" by Death Cab for Cutie
Kimberly Weber Aug 2017
Whatever
I sigh
Rolling my eyes
And laughing inside

"Don't whatever me"
You glare with a smile only I can see
Whatever, you say to me
And again I roll my eyes, with glee

I turn to you
Staring deep into your eyes of blue
What... Ever.... I spell out for you
And you shoot me a glance I knew

It's like our inside joke
Our all good to go
It feels like cheating
To say whatever
To any other guy

It's ruined
Now and Forever
I always think of YOU
When I say Whatever
Kimberly Weber Aug 2017
There are a million moments
I wish to spend with you
A million moments
I missed with you

Every faded sunset and
Every single drop of rain
Every star we have yet to see and
Every moon to be admired

I just want to remind you that
The world is wonderful and
I want to share it with you
Every moment of it
Kimberly Weber Aug 2017
You always told me to think of the stars
But tonight when I looked up to the sky
All I could see was the bright shining moon
And I took it for a sign

You painted the sun, and I the moon
Those were the roles we chose to consume
We always admired the stars, together
But tonight only the moon chose to shine

Only I was visible in the sky
Selfishly and greedily capturing the eye
All for it’s self, all for me
No other other-worldly distraction to share with

Perhaps it is time
I focused once more on myself
Less on the you, less on the us
And more on the me, the moon
Kimberly Weber Aug 2017
I was looking for a thought
And look, here I have found it
Down at the bottom of this bottle
That made me forgot
How ironic that this is where it’d be

The thought of you
I tried to bury
Beneath all the ***** and Hennessey

But look, here it is anyway
How persistent
I might have forgotten
Maybe for only a minute

But here it is again,
At the bottom of this bottle
Of all the drink to make me forget
Just brings you back up as my final regret
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