i feel the cold on my bare feet
i walk to the window
i wish i was as happy at the people on the street
the sound of my metal chains echo in my ears
the cuffs hurt but its okay
i'm used to it..its been almost a year
i hear screams down the hall
i use to scream like that too
But ive realized i already hit rock bottom
so there’s no more to fall

most nights i stare at the ceiling  
happy memories tease me
mistakes haunt me
until i’m left reeling
i learned that my tears..
are just words needed to be written
but those words are my biggest fears
i've been here 83 days
and i now know
How to regret things
a  million different ways

always in the back of my mind, there is this face
I see their blue eyes
i think its the person that put me in this place
i still have the note they gave me
i read it when i forget
what its like to be free
their ghost wont let me be
but somehow i still miss them
even though this is what
they did to me

Just when I'm about to have hope  
My breakdown are less
I finally learning how to cope
You start to make your way in again
I try hard to pray you away
But you're here before amen
Welcome back old friend
I'm a fool to think the last time
that I saw you was the end
You brought gifts with you
I wanna ask which ones
cause the demons brought some too

Did you send the voices in my head?
I don't like them
They say I'd be better off dead
You didn't sent them right?
You would miss me
Who would you hold at night?
Did you send the bile?
It burns, I start to skip meals
I hide my pain with a smile
Did you cause the sleepless nights ?
Where you mad you weren't there
to hold me from the light?
Did you send the dreams?
That either crunch my soul
or make me scream ?
When I wake up my heart hurts
I hold in my tears
Until they threaten to burst

I shouldn't have left you
I wanted to be happy
I thought it was the right thing to do
I've learn my lesson
I need to stay with you
Let go of my aggression
Don't worry its not too late
Everything can go back to when
You were my soulmate

Dear Heart,

Why do we try so hard?
They dont care about us
But yet we still pass out
little pieces of you like business cards
Im sick of fighting
For once I want to be the one fought for
Have something else to say while writing

Dear Lost Soul,

We do it so no one has to feel alone
Just like you were
When all you wanted was someone to pick up the phone
It hurts... yes it does
But if we make a slight difference
Then its worth it
We dont put ourselves out there, just because
If someone needs us, we are there
Not everyone can pull through
When they feel no one else cares
You fought, made it out alive
Some people arent as strong
To not give in to the knive
We help because we can..
We survived, now lets give that to someone else
Before they call this the end

im so sick of crying
im not my usual self
and im sick of trying
im not okay
i havent been for a long time
but no one seems to notice
anyways
im sorry im a broken thing
im sorry i disappointed you
depression is my soul mate
here ill show u the ring
i hate my life
there i said it
i guess im ungrateful
but i live in constent stife
i know im ruining myself
but with the irreversible mess im in
i really dont care
im as functional as a crooked shelf
my body is rejecting me
well get in line
cause it seems everyone else is
this isnt how i wanted it to be
its not fair
i had everything....
then suddenly nothing
i didnt realize i was that hard to bare
depression is my lover
hes my only constent
he helps me put on the mask
i use as a cover
i am not in a good place
im can no longer apologize
you hurt me and now u
cant even look at my face
i'm sorry i hurt you all
i didnt mean to
i assure u ,it hurt me more
its months later and i still bawl
i lost everyone
i lost myself
i lost the battle
congrats you and depression won

you say your hands are cold,that you forgot your gloves
i look down at my hands
i take my only pair off and give them to you
i feel the cold air on my bare hands
i tell myself its not too bad and you'll give them back if i need them
hours go by
you still have my gloves
the muscles in my fingers become ridged from the cold
but i love to see you warm so i don't ask for them back
another hour goes by
you still have my gloves
i cant feel or move my fingers now
the tips are starting to burn...
i know this is the start of frost bite
but i don't want to take the warmth from you so i wait a little longer to ask you for them back

i finally gather the courage to approach you ...
under my breath, i ask if i can borrow them for a bit?
just to get the blood back in my veins?
you stare at me for what seems like forever...then you start to laugh
you say: i'm fine
you say: i don't really need them
you say: i'm dramatic
i say, i feel numb
i say: i just need them for a little bit
you say: i'm selfish
you say: i don't love you....that i want you to be cold like i am
you say: i'm a coward and say that instead of asking you
i should just learn to deal with it

i stood there not knowing what to say ... maybe you right?
so i decide to bare it , i bare it while my hands start to sting
i watch you with our friends as i sit on the side-lines
the love i have for you is the only warmth left in my body
i look down and my hands are turning blue now
i cant let me do this to myself
i realize i need to find help ...but that means i have to leave you
i never want to leave you
but you refuse to go with

after much consideration, i do what is best for no one else but me
i leave..
i leave while you still hold a bit of me
leaving was one of the hardest decisions i have ever made

Try not to think about it
Shove it down ....way down
Don't show it
Its bubbling up, it wants to escape
I don't know how long I can hold it
I'm not that strong
I want control over it
But it consumes me
I am it
And it is me
I wasn't always this way with it
I never would shove it down
Until one day I was mocked for showing it
I was told I was weak  
Because everyone has it ... and they can control it
Its all in your head , your a cry baby
I believed it
Why couldn't I control it ?
Next time I'll try my best
But I  feel it again....its about to escape
I can't let it
I try shoving it down ....way down
But that doesn't stop it
Now its flowing out of me like water
I need to stop it
I run to my room , lock the door,shut off my phone
So no one can see it
I look in the mirror
Puffy face and bloodshot eyes are the result of it
I sit in front of my fan
The cool air dries it
I sit until all the evidence is gone
Until I can walk out of my room and deny it
I have to ... I'm not a cry baby
I can do this  
I am it
And it is me

Let me take your pain
I can carry the burden
Your mental health was never a game
I can't sit by
and hear you hurt yourself again
While my heart dies a little more inside
I'm already broken so whats a little more
Use my body as a canvas
Decorate me like you do to yourself
Behind the closed door
Do it me but leave yourself
Carve maps on my skin
Make a line from your state to mine
Let the blood make a pact
that we will never be apart
As the red trails clot
And tears stream my face
I will cry for every permanent tally mark
That reminds you how you got to this place
I cant take it anymore
If i cant help you
then what am i good for ?
So put your burdens all on me
Your too young for this
I want you to feel
what its like to finally be free
While you sleep, I'll hold you tight
I will stay up all night and protect you
Sleep little one...
Your nightly demons this time I'll fight
I will take it all
No matter the hurt
No matter the pain
I cant watch you fall

Thank you for soaking up my tears
I know there have been quite a bit
just this past year
Thank you for absorbing my crys
You muffle my voice
Cradle my face
while I scream "why!"
You have seen the worst
I prayed to die in your embrace
To be saved from this misery
To live left like a curse
Thank you for holding my head up
Even when I had no strength
to do it myself
You stepped in and acted as my back-up
I'm going to find my worth
I'm not no longer afraid
I'm going to live like its my last day on earth
Because I always know you are right there
Waiting for me to come back
Ready to take me as I am
No matter what emotions I bare