ughh i miss you
these are the last words i messaged you
what i wanted to say was
i miss how you used to be
i meant to say
i miss how we were
i meant to say
i miss how much you used to care
i wanted to say
i miss the old you
because i do
but she's long gone
i miss her

you told me it was over
i hear it loud and clear
but deleting our messages
broke my heart
taking down our pictures on my wall
hurt like hell
and giving back your stuff
was unimaginably painful
until i had no trace left of you but the memories
then i knew, it was over

here i sit
watching
watching you make new friends
whether or not they're good for you
i sit here watching you make one bad decision after another
but i don't say much in fear of upsetting you
in fear of drifting farther away from you
in fear of you going off and informing people of my worrying
here i sit
watching you tell people things that weren't yours to tell
watching you drift farther away from your innocence
farther away from your true relationships
farther away from me
here i sit
while you yell at me
while you tell me to not worry
while you tell me you "love me"
while you tell me that you will be okay
while you cry to me
while you vent to me
while you tell me you don't care
while you laugh at me for caring
while you tell me you hate him
but then tell me you miss him
while you tell me that i need to care once i say im done caring
here i sit
crying
crying because of how much pain this is causing me
crying because i can't do anything
crying because you are fine with this
crying because you are fine with them
crying because im tired of feeling this way
crying because what happened to always?
what happened to
ill never leave you
ill always love you
i would never do that
just one more
trust me
i would never lie to you
im sorry
i should've listened to you
you're my only true best friend
you're my person
here i sit
exhausted from the mental pain
being forced into feeling numb because im tired of feeling
missing what we had
what we should've still had now
what you tell me we still have
...
but we both know that we don't

what we promised would never happen is happening
messages slowly being left on read
we run out of things to talk about more everyday
we awkwardly walk each other to class because that's what we always did
we have 3-minute phone calls instead of 3 hour-long phone calls
we cry about what's happening behind closed doors but it gets worse still
we are supposed to cry in each other's arms, not about each other
we unpin each other because we don't message much anymore
im starting to forget how it feels to laugh for hours over nothing
im starting to forget how it felt when we would rage about boys
im starting to forget the genuine happiness i felt when i could see you
im starting to forget how pure our true connection had been
we said twin flames
the flame is flickering
we used to be too close
now it seems like we were never close enough
we promised
we promised this would never happen
we promised that we would never drift
we promised that our friendship was one in a million
so why
why is that one in a million friendship crumbling
we were meant to be best friends
we were meant to wipe each other's tears and hold each other
we were meant to laugh until we couldn't breathe
we were meant to be attached at the hip
we were never supposed to forget how it felt to be so close to someone
so close that we never hesitated to call each other our best friend
but now we do
now it seems we are just neighbors
neighbors who used to be really really close

im scared
im scared that one day our long embraces will evolve to just a faint smile
im scared that one day we will merely wave when we see each other
im scared that one day we wont even wave
we might just glance at each other
not so long ago, we spent every waking minute together
not so long ago, i laid in your bed and laughed all night with you
not so long ago, we dreaded for the time i had to go home
not so long ago, we told everything to each other
not so long ago, we always had something to talk about
not so long ago, we would go on long walks just because
not so long ago, we would sneak off at 2 AM to watch the stars
not so long ago, we laid on my shed roof in the middle of the night
just to watch the sky and talk
not so long ago, we laid on your kitchen floor rolling in laughter
not so long ago, we cried in each others arms
not so long ago, we composed hilarious songs in your room just to belt them out so that your dad would hear how dumb we were
not so long ago, we laid together and watched the fault in our stars
not so long ago we say
but it seems so long ago
it seems like a distant memory

these poems express the words i fail to speak
loneliness i fail to admit
moments i fail to remember
sadness i fail to move on from
heartbreak i fail to accept
loss i fail to mourn

you broke it
you broke your promise just like you broke my trust
im tired of trying and hoping that you will change
you broke it
i find it funny that you think im the one being selfish
i continue to trust you
as you take more and more advantage of that
it hurts that im losing you to something like this
i put my faith and trust into you
i feel like you wasted my time
you wasted my energy
because i used it to try and help you change
there's obviously no change
you told me again just today that you've changed
but as time passes i find out more and more how you haven't
in fact, you've gotten worse
i hate getting yelled at for confronting you
i hate that you confide in my sister for advice
i hate that you make the choices that you do
i hate that you hurt me more and more every day
i hate that you think that its okay
i hate that i haven't given up yet
i hate that i push people i love away to be with you
i hate what you're turning me into
i hate the names that you call me
you say that you were just joking, but it actually hurts
i hate the new things you have tell me every day
because 9 out of 10 times they're bad
i hate that i hate so much about you
i hate that i feel anything but love and enjoyment towards you
i used to worship you
i used to think that nobody was more perfect for me
you wonder why i haven't worked to get ungrounded
its because being grounded gives me an excuse
an excuse to say no to parties and bad ideas that you have
its so much easier to say that im grounded rather than i don't want to
im sorry that i feel this way
im sorry that i tried to fix what was going on with you
i should've recognized that it was "none of my business"
so here's to me being sorry for caring<3

everyone envisions their hope for their future
whether they want to lose weight
or whether they want to fall out of habits
some people envision having a family
having kids and a dog
marrying that one boy that makes them so happy
is it bad that in my future i envision nothing for myself
perhaps in the future i will be gone..

What you said:
"LOL"
"bahahah"
"****"
"hehe"
"😂"
"hahahah"
What you wanted to say:
im in pain
i want a hug
im mad
im sad
im dissapointed
i miss him
im hurting
im crying
i want to cry
im not eating much anymore
im upset
i dont care
i don't know how to feel

i know that you dont know how to express your feelings, and i understand
you say "LOL" or "hahaha" when absolutely nothing is funny
you say it when you're hurting the most
but why does it help you cope
to say the opposite of what you're feeling

it's always the people that bring the most joy upon others
that are hurting the worst

i tried
you didn't
i cried
you didn't
you left
i didn't
~

there's a shallowness in your eyes each time you look at me;
i used to be your ocean
but now im your dead sea

have nice life, im tired of trying to be in it ✌️