Every sip I take
Every bad choice I make
Nothing makes me forget
That every single time
..
I break

When I was 10 my mum Told me that
I was special
The Next day was the First time
she told me to shut up
When I was 14 my Friends told me that
I was funny
The Next day I Heard them laugh about me
And when I was 16
You told me I was beautiful
You told me you loved me
You told me you would do anything for me
But I did not believe you
Because I learnt that people don't mean
What they say
And I did not want to get disappointed again

I am not a bad girl
I will not hurt you on purpose
or play hard to get
I will smile when you smile
and cry when you cry
Maybe I am not as fun as she is
But I love you
I truly love you
And i hope this is enough

We drink alcohol
and smoke cigarettes
and kiss stupid boys
that don't care about us
Just to forget about
life
We want to feel the rush
the adrenalin
because in reality
we have that boring job
and that one stupid boy
that doesn't text back.
reality hurts
and we don't want to feel pain

I remember that night
he was drunk
and couldn't even think straight
He said he loved life
and everything about it
I wanted him to say
that he loved me
But he didn't
Instead I told him
that I loved him
because I knew
He wouldn't remember my words
And I was right
"What A Night!", he told me the next day
Smiling because he couldn't remember
He couldn't remember
that he breaks my heart everyday

When I was little
I dreamed of the day
I would turn 16
I expected butterflies,
A lot laughter with friends,
A cute guy that would make me feel
Something I have Never felt before
I expected adventures, love and that It would be
The best year of my life
Well, I was wrong
I cried myself to sleep
Because School was hard
And my friends would not
Unterstand me
I was lonely and really bad sometimes
I got drunk for the first time
I skipped school and Even started liking a boy
Still I had this horrrible feeling
That hole in my heart
And sadly
It would not go away

Every time I look in the mirror
I see this girl with the brown eyes
And the dark brown hair
But the eyes are not like they used to be
When I was Little I laughed a lot
My eyes sparkled
They were full of joy
And happiness
Now I see loneliness
And all the fears I have
My eyes are not sparkling anymore
And I am afraid, so afraid
That they Will Never sparkle again

Feeling empty
and worthless
and meaningless
and alone
how can I make it stop
I need to make it stop
it hurts
I feel like
i am burning
will it ever stop
please tell me
that someday it will stop
because if not
I need to make it stop

I did not want this
I did not want to catch feelings
for you
or smile every time you text
or wait for a message instead of sleep
or smile at you when you're not lookin'
or laugh about your stupid jokes
or look in your **** ordinary eyes
and feel like they're not ordinary at all.

My parents always told me
That I needed to be a good girl
To have a good life
My teachers told me
That I needed to study more
So I could be successful
My friends told me
That I needed to get a boyfriend
Just like them
So I would not be lonely anymore
When I turned seventeen
I got sick of the things I needed to do
I cried myself to sleep
And suddenly I realized
Everything I have done
I did not do It for me
I did It for them

Darling let me tell you
About October.
You may think about Pumpkins
And Scary Costums on Halloween
But it is much more than that.
It is October
When It gets colder
And summer memories start to fade.
You think about
How It is nearly the end of the Year
And of all the Time you wasted
And the goals you did not reach.
October is not funny or beautiful
It is the time you start to feel
Lonely and numb
It is nearly over
You Keep saying
But Darling is that really
How you want to spend your life?

On New Year’s Eve I told myself
It will get better
This year will be different
I will be stronger, prettier, happier
But now summer is over
It gets colder
And it is still me who is
lying on the bathroom floor
at 3 a.m
crying and praying to god that
Next year will be different

Last Night I got drunk with my friends
I kissed a boy with blonde hair and
beautiful blue eyes
Just as yours
Because I wanted to feel your lips
or Something similar
But when I got home
The memories of how your lips
really feel like
started to come back
So It was me
Crying on the kitchen floor
Again

I always thought
love was easy
until I met you.
I mean I liked you
And you liked me
All those kisses and smiles,
I knew they couldn't be fake
But when I told you
that I love you
You just stopped kissing me
You did not smile anymore
You said you were broken
and that I should not love you.
I knew you were wrong
because a broken person
could not make me feel
so **** complete
And I wanted to make you
feel complete too
But you did not let me
You did not let me love you

Sometimes you have that moment
that one moment
when you walk to your boring job
or to the school that stresses you out
or to the boyfriend that treats you
like you are not that beautiful as that wonderful flower
you see on the ground.
it's the first one this year,
isn't it?
Maybe the flowers started blooming a while ago
but you did not pay enough attention
to actually notice
And in that one, special, hideous moment
you realize that everything in your environment is changing
For a second, just a small, tiny, short baby second
it feels like a new beginning
but then you keep moving, keep walking
to your job, school or boyfriend
and everything stays the same
tragic, isn't it?

Every single time
that you look in my eyes
I turn away,
look to the ground
or to the infinite sky
because I am afraid,
so afraid,
that my eyes will reveal
the way I truly feel about you

Every single time
I Look in your eyes
I See everything I can‘t have
And it makes me sick.
I want to Tell you
That I love you
And every single scar you have.
But I don‘t say it
I just keep thinking it
Every single time
I look in your eyes

Sometimes when I look in the mirror
I see nothing but a shattered soul
pieces are missing
and I am searching
and searching
and searching
but I can't find them
What if I am never going to find them?
What if I am never going to be complete?

I drank one bottle of ***** by myself
Just so I could forget
How your fingertips felt on my Body
But now I am here
Drunk and Alone
And Even though I cant remember my own name
The only thing I can think about are
Your fingertips on my aching body
And How I am never going to feel them
Ever again

You ripped my heart apart
like it's the easiest thing to do
Left me in pieces, so peaceful
as if you did not care at all
With every breath I take
loneliness spreads through my veins
like it's poison, trying to **** me
And you?
You kiss other girls,
pretend that hole in your heart doesn't exist
You try to fill the empty space
that your empty promises caused
You tell your friends you're fine
and laugh when they ask if you're thinking about me
But late at night,
when nobody sees,
You look at the pictures of me
saved on your phone
So why do you act so victorious
when obviously we both
lost?

One day
He will know everything about you
What you like for breakfast
The strange sound you make while laughing
That you always feel like
You need to prove something
But he will Tell you
That this is what makes you Special
Then he will leave
So you will stop eating breakfast
And you won't laugh anymore
Because you will start to think
That maybe, just maybe
Special is a Bad thing

I may be crying in the middle of the night,
Thinking of you every day,
loving you with every inch
of my aching body
but never ever
will I come back
and let you hurt me again.
not now
not ever

I am sorry
About us
About everything that’s changed
We were so much
But yet not enough

The memories of you are haunting me
like a wild animal
wanting to rip me apart.
It's the middle of the night
and I am trying to find something on my phone
that reminds me of you,
that reminds me of you caring for me,
wanting me,
loving me
but I can't find anything
because I deleted every conversation
every picture
just as you did with me

You can drink one bottle of *****
just by yourself.
You can get so drunk
that you don't remember your own name
but you will never forget their voice
and the way it felt
when you were laying in their arms.
You will forget everything
but the person you love.
You will forget everything
but the person you lost.

baby tell me
when you look into her eyes..
do you find the same love
that you found in mine?
when you run your fingers
down her spine..
do you tell her
what you told me?
do her kisses taste
like mine
or does she also make you cry?
and baby tell me one more thing..
are you really successful
when you try to replace me?
or do you still hear my voice
inside your head?
do you still look for me
in a crowded room?
baby
do you still punch the wall
because you let me go?

you can touch all these bodys
and kiss all these lips
but baby
nothing will distract your heart
from missing me;
they're not me
and they will never be.
you hear my name
and your heart skips a beat.
you see a new picture of me
and you swear you can't breathe.
baby, do you still feel my kisses,
my hands and my heat?