A hundred marbles in dish,
A chance of fate to question with.
Fifty red and fifty white,
Fifty for my death and fifty for my life.
I close my eyes and extend my hand to reach,
My fingers brush the glass of each.
Afraid to look at either outcome,
If I see white, I breath for them.
If I see red, they agree with me, this is the end.

With sweat forming at my brow,
Three. Two. One. I open them now
It's red like crimson, red like birth.
Read like the paper that spoke my worth.
The rope behind was tied,
My fate was made as was mind.
It's time.

Thirty seconds I hung,
Thirty's seconds the rope did snap.
Questioning why they put me back
I guess lotteries play games like that.

There's an old rundown street
Where Bentley and Copeland road meet.
The pavement is pretty worn and cracked,
Even the weeds avoid there to grow
If a ball rolls down it, the kids turn back
Afraid they might be trapped in that unknown.
There's houses on each side with numbers
Left to wonder who put them up
A rumor spread they'll never tear them down,
Just one day blown away in the dust.

Isn't it funny that we judge a horror movie
For walking into darkness, given the choices,
I bet you'd do the same,
Curiosity starting to build in your brain.
Ok, let's take a walk.

With a step and a slap on the ground
The air seems more still here, every sound amplified.
Every window tinted as the sun shines
But just as every hair starts to stand straight
Your stomach jumps making your head feel weak.
It's mid-day but somehow feels late
You may realize, it's just like every other street.

Start existing outside of yourself,
Take a breath until the stress melts
You can't change the world in a single rotation
But you can change someone's life today,
I get a lot of nodding in affirmation
But when the train comes, they still sit at the station.
I understand the comfort zone, the bubble,
The look the other way from trouble
Billions of super hero fans standing,
I'm writing in hopes of a vigilante.

Start loving the person you are,
Forget the money, the job, the constant distraction.
Remember the kid you were, in a blur,
Now an adult being, trapped with morals
A fraction of the child you think back on.
You're never too far gone to retrace steps
All the amazing things you once thought,
They never disappeared, you just left,
Wondering if you've come back yet.

Start being.
Whatever you are or aren't
Aspire for greatness in whatever,
Even if that greatness is smiling for a minute,
Be in that minute and make it real,
Live to feel happiness and sorrow
And continue that existence into tomorrow.
I'm not looking to preach or teach
I just miss seeing emotion as I walk down the street
With a face in a phone and text in a speech.

I'm always in a rush to work,
In such a rush to drive home,
In a rush to die to make famous my poems.
I'm raising a glass to silly victories
And the same glass to the same loss
Because either way it's my history
And I'm just like a bystander
Seeing the boat off.

I wonder if life is so fragile,
Why we are caught in a balance act?
Why do we smile so much to say it's fine,
Too embarrassed to admit we all cry?
Stuck in a generation of losers and debt
But ****** we try, I really do try.
I'm making amends with my demons,
Trying to keep my head on right
But sometimes I replay a kid
Saying I was an inconvience to life
And sometimes when awake in a real dark night,
I start to see those words shedding light.

Today, I took out the trash
Then compacted my remaining sentiments
Into one piece of poetry
I'm letting go of any resentment,
And tired of repenting for being me
Took off the shackles on my feet
And leaped out into the free world

If pictures could speak
I've heard they'd say a thousand words
But if the language of them was foreign
Then, to me, it may sound all absurd
Yet, in the sound you could still feel
The tone at which they spoke
Softly serving as a memory
Of the places it did know

If pictures could speak
I would listen through the night
Laughing as the sun came up
Never sleeping but eyes creeping
More closed passing through a morning light.
I would listen to the faded laughter
Of times someone lived to say
Staring at the past, wasting time in present day

If pictures could speak
They may haunt the world I knew
But their secrets I would keep
In the cryptic art that someone drew
They'd never know I heard them
So silent, but still there
Always talking but never realizing anyone cared

My father's been acting like a victim
So I thought I'd set the record clear
Giving an impression our mother
Made us steer clear of your path.
I was on a different poem
But I thought I'd help everyone else do the math.

We were told to spend time with you
But you spent ten years blowing me off
So when given the chance I blew you off,
Don't play innocent, I'm not wrong.
The first thing you found was a new wife,
The first thing you left was my life.
No one's manipulating me, Pinocchio,
The only puppet trying to play strings is you
If only you grew up like your nose,
Go back to the bar for some cheap hoes
Then enter my life once a year as your regret grows.

Hey let's play a game,
I bet your too busy to respond.
Visit my sister, I bet the response is the same.
Your little children are gone,
Ok here's the question I'm on.
How come I couldn't get your phone number for years?
How come I message you then left on "read"?
How come you never ask about me at all?
It's been 16 years and not a single call.
I bet you tried, I just wasn't important enough
Keep changing the story in your head
Play the victim until you're dead.

Sad to say you're a stranger to me
Don't you ever dare cast blame.
This is your bed, lie down
Lie the **** down.

The first time I picked up a pen was for you,
They said I should write you a letter,
I did you one better
And sculpted my life in poem,
Wrote down my pains so you'd know them.
and sometimes you push "like".

I'm too young to feel this old,
Mentally too old to be his young.
Took a shotgun to my pillow
And told the dreams that I was done.
I stopped buying breath mints
So the devil might stop trying to take my breath,
I stopped believing in church when
They they denied the only saint here left.
I'm sure in your religion I'm going to hell,
But in mine, it's only the hipocritical who fell.
Farewell.

I've had my fair share of brushes with death
Painting me into this man
But her I am, standing tall enough,
To help you stand.
I've been paying this life forward,
In a karmatic effort to see old age
And laughing at how silly it must sound
To hope I can live long enough
To be broken down.

I'm not sure of very much,
But I hope to keep dancing

I wrote something I couldn't share
I put it in a special place
And hidden, let it die there,
Just like him, just like me.
That worst case scenario they'll never see
The darkest demons don't need light
To make you see their light of day,
So I took them from within me
Riped them out and locked them in a box
Without a single key and drowned them
In a pool the kids use to play.
Now all that's talked of there
Is an accident then conversation fades.

Like oysters reading words,
I could be a carpenter building herds
To come and read the writs I wrote
Until all eaten on a solemn note.

While I'm working today,
While I'm at a desk wasting away,
I've got more and more responsibility,
People complaining, head straining.
The speed I type is making my fingers bleed.
But still that isn't enough and it's killing me.
Can I, am I, could I be worth a raise?
"Not today, sales aren't great,
I hate to say, the big heads only made
A half a mill for what you did today,
Prove your worth, this is not okay."
Okay.

So I wait, time being all I've got,
Until that final hour hits the clock,
I punch the clock, eight hours in,
Back home to eat, home to sleep.
Never sick, never really sleep.
Another pawn they keep
With just enough carrot to never really eat.
Complained about my shoes
Until the corporate world removed my feet.
And that's the land of being free.

While I'm working today,
While I'm wasting away,
I'll fix every problem you create
I'll be smiling with a hand to shake,
Someday I'll be the person
I dream to be awake.

Sometimes,
Sometimes I just don't know
Buried my hands in my face,
Breathing in a rhythmic flow.
Kicking my heels to go home
But Kansas was a place i did not go.
Can't speak without defensive joke.
You've been looking at a personality
But in reality, you've just seen smoke
Don't choke on the vapor or you'll vaporize
The main disguise I hide behind.
Behind the eyes that calmly sigh
My mind is cranking into overdrive.

I look into a mirror in a life-filled light.
Hair a tangled mess,
running fingers through it as I write.
if I pulled the stress through dead skin cells,
I'd bald tonight.
I've got scars upon thars like Sneeches
So Mr. Mcbean I'm looking for help
I'll pay a penny to remove the roofing defects.
If I seem to be speaking a bit crazy,
You must not have read the pretext.

If you had read me like a book
And shook the cover loose
I wonder what chapter I'm on with you.
Surely, every book had begun
I've got you rising in suspense
But while I know, I'd never tell,
The surprise at the end.

A child robs from a store,
A thousand dollars
Some pieces of paper so plain,
Losing his future and little to gain,
A thousand dollars.
He goes to jail for pulling a gun
He goes to jail at 18 and his life is done.

The boy hardens into a man
Gets out of the cage, tries to do what he can
But they put him up on a stage.
"So tell me, son, you've got no skills.
You're 28 with a record to ****."
Every other candidate comes first,
One ***** up, now you're the worst.
You chose a fate before you knew your fate
They'll call you back so you sit and wait.
So you sit and wait.

Can't even be trusted to take out the trash
So you punch out the mirrors
Looking back at you, only seeing trash.
He's not thinking clearly,
Writes up a quick note and signs it sincerely.
Shaky hands tie a knot,
The only thing he saw as a blessing,
I wonder if the system taught him his lesson.

We all have a friend
Who didn't make it very old
Whether you were there at the end
Or somewhere in life's between
I bet you would give your weight in gold
For a chance just to see them,
For one more night out in the world
Or even just a small talk.
All you have is a short mental walk
Through the times that seem too small
Stuck in a place without you at all,
And I wonder how you're doing
Wherever you are.

I made my first friend in second grade,
He was the kid who seemed to always find a way
He learned to ride a unicycle
Making his own parade.
He got me out of my house in the middle of fall,
Went swimming in my pool,
While the algae was stuck to the walls.
It was freezing and slimy.
I'm sorry your world was unwinding
And I wish I would've known you more.

I don't have the right words
Because truly none of them are right
I've thought about the fact you aren't here
On quite a few nights.
I send my regards to all you knew,
I'm sorry to say a part of my childhood
Feels like it passed with you.
This is the only way I have to show
I miss a man I barely got to know,
My old friend John O.

You take an aspirin a day
Because they say it's a miracle drug
In a few days your blood pressure is raised,
Prescribed losartan from a doctor
But only a dollar copay,
the insurance pays and all is ok. Ok?

You wake up with dizziness and muscle cramps,
You can't take the pain, no problem.
"Just take some meclizine and tizanidine.
All those side effects will go away."
But the muscle relaxant makes me drowsy
In the morning, it makes me unable to focus at all.
"Naturally, here try low dose Adderall!"

That seems to be working but now
I can't seem to sleep well through the night.
My body is tired but my mind stills spins.
"I've got it, just five milligrams of Ambien."
So a losartan, meclizine, tizanidine, Adderall, Ambien, oh and my aspirin.
And all is ok, ok?

Doctor, I don't know what to do,
I take everything you tell me to
And I just don't feel like I'm myself.
"Sir, take some sertraline, it will help,
It sounds like your depressed"
And doctor something in this mix
Is causing horrid back pain
"No problem, some pain killers
You'll feel like yourself again."

You take an aspirin a day
Because they say it's a miracle drug

I know why no one wants to be the hero,
A hero's story doesn't end well.
He doesn't get to see a golden gate,
He leads you there then walks away.
Heroes can inspire all but themselves
Placed on shelves waiting to fall
And that downfall is the story they'll tell.
Watch and see for yourself.

I wish more people wanted to be heroes,
Tie their capes in broad day and save
Because look, I mean really look,
The villains aren't stopping,
You hear the newscasters jaws dropping
Every night that another kid won't be alright.
So we wave white flags as victims,
And I don't know about you
But I'm ready to fight
For something so much bigger than me.
Come and be one for yourself

I know why no one wants to be the hero,
They let the bad guys have all the fun.
The vigilantes can't work a system
With zero liability who's to blame
I don't believe I can stop it one on one
But extend a hand to you all the same.
Why can't we all be heroes,
And stop all the distress, you and I.
No one wants to be a hero
Because evil will never die.

You can watch the world tick,
You can watch the sun tock.
Spinning to infinity, trapped on a big clock.
Time never tells when your pendulum stops
Breathing to be leaving only a breath behind.
Leave behind a legacy, holding onto what's mine.
Only to realize that nothing is mine
Just a ticket to the gate passed living lines.

Life slips through fingers like a blur,
Conversations twist into a slur,
But the rain is sweet around me
When I leave, let everything be as it were,
It's beautiful by mistake,
It's beautiful with magnificent purpose.
Let it exist and keep greed away.

Don't tell the kids not to play
I know more accidents happen that way
But so do most of the memories.
We create rules to stay safe,
We create rules for kids to break,
Somewhere in that a friendship for them to make.
And if we all make it home
We can laugh it off along the way.
We can laugh it off along the way.

I wrote a book about making riches,
Sold it for twenty dollars a copy,
And made a lot of riches,
Open it up and it said to just do this.
Most people understand the ball
But keep missing the pitches.
As soon as you have the keys,
Every lock appears to be switching.

They say you'll make it far
With a modest heart,
An open mind and an honest tongue.
The person saying that was shaking a hand
In his pocket hiding a gun,
A couple side deals that felt like solid leads,
Stealing an honest man's wallet while he bleeds.
But you take it at face value
Instead of biting the hand that feeds.
Why? Because you don't have a choice it seems.

I'm not a starving artist,
I don't have the gift to be,
I'll stroke out stressing on a job
That stands with or without me
Retire then expire, dance the dance of fools,
pay into social security I'll never get to use.
Go ahead and tax my tea,
I can't afford the tea to tax
Just don't ever move that carrot
Or I may fall off these tracks.

There's spiders crawling up my back
They walk beneath my skin
Following my veins as tracks
If I give in to the itch and scratch,
They'll only go deeper down it seems
In a whack-a-mole, I'll never win
There's no cut to end the scene
A T virus living within me
Too young for this vaccine.

There's a dagger digging in my side
Giving a twist every five minutes or so
As hard as I've tried, I can't remove it
For a few weeks then I guess it resides
I don't know if they can tell me
Why I always throw dice and end up
With such luck of drawing snake eyes
But they seem to be on the slither
Scaling quickly up and down my spine

There's a room that's been spinning a bit,
A headache for days that just won't quit,
I'm losing focus and maybe you noticed
But I'm trying hard not to throw a fit.
I'm anxious and truly I don't wish to mingle,
I'm twenty - six and I have the shingles
And my roof is leaking a bit.

They want to know what I want to see
Before I kick the can.
I'm just hoping to see tomorrow,
I'd be happy with just that with the life I've ran.
I've borrowed time more than twenty times
No need to remind, I'm blessed in cursed flesh
And if that casket in the back of my mind
Isn't enough to get me choked up
I'm not sure I would deserve to be re-woke up.
I'd public speak a hundred times to a stadium crowd
Than to watch this body into the ground.
I don't want to see the wonders,
I just wonder if I will live to see old age.
Turn the page.

And to a father to me, for years wasn't around,
Whatever the case, the man I am is my own,
But I give you the permission to be proud.
I watched my life get uprooted, still grown.
I promise, my kid will always have solid space.
Even if it takes me digging ditches,
His life won't be ditched for another.
He's the precident for a family hindsight me wished.
I'm a character unforgettable to strangers as I've flown
To most relatives I'm a complete unknown.

I don't look for any pity, the opposite of it
Look over the city, making every hit.
I'm a walking statistically non-existent man
You gotta kick it up because yes you can
**** the chains that you think hold you down
But be aware that when you find success
The crickets turn to fake friends saying
They have never not been around.
And that's even worse than silence sounds.

This is a safe place
Take off your face at the door,
Throw your shoes off on the mat,
Or better yet don't wear any at all.
Be as dressed or bare as you'd like.
I've got a couch for sitting,
I have a floor for sitting too.
Don't worry about expectation.
Your demons like to dance?
Mine have a house they're prancing through.

These streets aren't safe,
They're watching you through a scope
You're too overdressed for this place,
Too rugged to be offered a rope,
You aren't doing whatever they are
Exactly the way they are and they notice
Cracking a joke as they pass,
Someone else is cracking a joke about them.
Because validation is only made to satisfaction
At the expense of another body
I'm only as good as the reaction, right?

Fake smile painted like clowns at a losing circus.
Debt for the clothes but it's worth it.
I'm worth a proper penny but I lack the two cents
Of knowledge to not be a clone
No one is talking about life's stress
So it seems I'm alone.
A bar gutting me from my sides
Thinking I got this, I'm in control
But really I'm a foosball player
Just spinning along.

When my school closed, I was in 5th grade,
We all stood outside with balloons.
The older kids understood,
The younger ones just played
The principal made a speech to say
How wonderful this place had been
And the amazing things we'd do someday.

They played a couple songs through stereo
I can't remember which one's by name
But the ending, I do remember just the same
Each of us with a balloon, released that day.
But the story you didn't know was one I've never said
I untied my string, quickly, the balloon floated away.

I ran to the classroom, and cut it up
Thirteen pieces for thirteen classmates.
Waiting for everyone to come
But, wouldn't you know, no one came.
I kept my piece for many years
Throwing it out all but recently
My meaning was left at Saint Mary's
And none have heard that until today.

I miss laying in the grass
Even if it made my skin itch,
The freedom was worth the time to pass.
A sun burned face and back
Feels worth a beautiful day turning to night
In a trance where time goes off track.
How I wish I could hold those days so tight.
Gone in an instant, slipping through aged cracks.

If you sing and dance, no matter where you are.
I support you to hell and back.
If you are afraid to ever show your colors
Because people stare and laugh
I hope you take that random chance,
Someone may even start to clap.
Personally, I laugh right back.
Now the same squares are part of the act.
Keep dancing.

Whenever or wherever it rains
I can only promise one thing
I will be found dancing in the street
Even during work hours, I remove my chains
And take a break to get soaked head to feet.
I promise this is a practice I actually do
And you can feel free to do it too.
Be free. Be you.

Welcome to America,
Where we don't judge you by the color of your skin
But maybe you shouldn't say it
If you have to defend saying you have a black friend.

Welcome to America,
Where every election talks about illegal votes
from a bunch of illegal hosts
From the side you hadn't chose
Then throw your opinion down legal throats.

Welcome to America
Where the news said socialized medicine
Was just another word communism
And you believed them.
Another man got a six figure bill for cancer in his throat
Walking out alive with his house foreclosed.
No money for food, wondering streets unfed.
He's alive but he wishes he was dead.

Welcome to America
Where we talk about gun control
They think that a ban is the goal
But maybe we should look more into who gets sold
And maintain a license to keep
Knowledge is power, totting guns but weak.

Welcome to America
Where the internet is your MD
Don't trust the man who got a degree
Who went to school and ruled your move
But you just Googled it so it must be true

Welcome to America
Where I have pride in this land
But everyone is out of line
For reasons they don't understand
Being ignorant doesn't justify your mind
And maybe even I am out of line
But I'm listening to comprehend

Do you think it's odd,
They question a millennial generation
For being in touch with how they feel?
Should I follow you and push it down?
Let's pretend none of it is real, yeah?
"Close your eyes to injustice, kid.
Don't you talk about it, then we'll have to talk about it."
A lot of Hollywood has to talk about it.
Instead of people putting it to god
We put it to our own selves but none aplaud.
Rather appauld that we speak.
I might fit your snowflake type
But my demons aren't melting in my mind
Trickling through as you close your eyes.

Do you think it's odd,
If people don't understand your problem
They label you as a weak link
But  did you ever stop and think
If it was your name in an oppression,
If it was your heart in a depression,
If it was your loved one shooting up,
Maybe you'd feel different.
You can't help fix these cracked streets
If you have your eyes covered in a sheet
You aren't a hero for making a toast
When the problems hit you were a ghost.

Do you think it's odd
That we are all people
But more often than not **** each other
Praying to a god that doesn't pass judgement to you.

Let me tell you of a girl,
Eating a simple lunch under a tree.
Pretzel sticks, an apple, and peanut butter for dipping.
The sky was blue, the sun shown bright.
The kind of day you might describe
As indescribably perfect, unnoticed.
Walked through but not talked of.
She sat embracing it as children played
In a pool near by on this warm summer day.

Let me tell you of a boy,
Who ran to play with his friends
A boy with blue eyes who couldn't swim.
Running with squirt guns around a poolside,
The pavement slick like ice but
The child did keep caution too
Until a kid behind pushed him in.
Flailing arms and voices screamed out
As a girl ran to see what was about.

Eyes closed, water had its hold
As a girl knew CPR keeping him going
Coughing and coughing, maybe it could work
Choking but alive looking at another with worth
Only long enough to fall back out
On the wrist of  the boy was a medic alert.
"Peanut allergy treat with epinephrine"

I grew up in a town with a church on every block,
I grew up in a town with a bar on every block,
On the streets, the same homeless man would walk
Riding a bike or walking on his feet
But everyone knew each other,
So they would wave a hand to greet.
The *** holes were planted like flowers
And those flowers seemed to grow
The adults complain for hours
About a lot of things I'd come to know.

I grew up in a town, it looked a lot like yours
It had a park, it had my friends,
So many nights heading home at dark.
I'd bet you know it just as I
You can even hear the squeaky swings,
If you gave it a try.
We built a bridge to cross the streams,
At day's end talking about our dreams,
Listening to songs that made us alive.

I grew up in a town, I left some years ago.
The streets look mostly the same
Now filled with people I don't know.
Friends will stay in touch, we'll stay in touch,
Friends I now don't talk to much.
Growing up in a small town in such a rush.

Some days

Some days I want to travel,
Have an exciting adventure
Unravel the globe real slow
And hold adrenaline in my palms.
Some days I wish i was something
More than this body dragging me around
More than the clothes setting a status
As the gravity keeps me on ground
Looking up to people who only look down.
Instead of the ones who pave paths
Regardless of anyone coming around.

Sometimes I lay on the floor
Mapping out my mind on the ceiling
Only to run out of ink and out the door
then the rain is still pouring in.
Sometimes I get lost in a game,
In a world quite unlike my own,
Where I play a hero and dragons are slain
All in the name of a throne.
Save the world only to remain.
Unknown.

Some days I wish I could be anything
Move mountains in a moment of time
With one arm I could swing
And make this whole world mine.
Seamlessly craft it and watch it with care
In the air, I could watch it be grown.
But some days, like today, I am tired
And would just like to go home.
Save my world and remain.
Unknown.

Some days i want to travel,
Have an exciting adventure
Unravel the globe real slow
And hold adrenaline in my palms.
Some days i wish i was something
More than this body dragging me around
More than the clothes setting a status
As the gravity keeps me on ground
Looking up to people who only look down.
Instead of the ones who pave paths
Regardless of anyone coming around.

Sometimes I lay on the floor
Mapping out my mind on the ceiling
Only to run out of ink and out the door
then the rain is still pouring in.

One day I gave a dollar to a man on the street
Who held a sign that read simply "help please"
He paid twenty-five cents for water to drink
Then chuckled and gave the change
To a kid passing by who looked bleak.

The child ran to the corner store
And bought two packs of double mint gum
One for himself and one for his chum
But rushed off in such a dash
He left his change with the cashier,
A whole twenty-five cents cash

The cashier used the change to help out a few
A dime for tax on a man passing through
A nickel short each for two ladies buying ice
And nine cents to a man riding past on his bike.
Then I, myself, went to that very store
Only to find I was one penny short
And wouldn't you know all was okay,
The cashier pulled the last cent and said
"Have a nice day."

I don't understand the want
For an absent parent's pride
I'd rather plot and plan with the one whose been at my side.
You can't be proud of trees you didn't grow
While you were off sowing oats
I was sowing stories as a way to cope
"Ryan, understand it's a mutual hate"
I've rerun that line in my mind a couple times
Then realized even your explanations are fake.
In my court, you hold no water
you should do what you do best
And don't bother, I'm proud of me.

All the kids who use to mock me in school
Use the same lame names for every kid
Cheers to Matthew, they called me Harry Potter too
I guess we just stupified them with creativity
Only to see those people grow to be losers for their longevity
While we can turn this water to ***
They still sit stunned.
Give me my cape back, I'm not done.

They tell you not to conform
Then they fight you until you make your own lane
Im playing the same game you chose
But I'm button mashing Konami codes
Until I can make a march of fifty men
Let's hear the backlash of my actions then
All the sudden it's silence until they all cheer
While I'm doing my own, everyone is living in fear
Am I the only one really living here?

Pick and choose who to take today
Leave the bad, burn the good
Do it for others, be ******.
Hold only for you like you should.
Gut mutts and let the dust kick up
Like the pure bred pup you are.
You're better because you say,
I'm less for being a certain way.
Kick the kids to the streets of the nation
And may they decrease surplus population
No problem there.

The rich hate you exist,
The poor hate that you try,
I'd develop a complex, if not already a complex guy.
The only hand out I've got
Is one flagging a cab to get home
The only kicks that I get
Are the clearance ones I have on
But I'm part of the problem
Just wait they'll tell you why

Create me as an enemy,
Squint and see through their eyes
When all I've ever wanted
Was enough to get by

If my words were like a gun
There would be smoke coming off my tongue
I don't think about life during a sunrise,
During a sunset or a star showered night.
I think about life eating a plate of nachos,
Drinking too much coffee with my wife.
I know in a big picture, I don't make the portrait
But when they torch these walls, I'll help restore them.
I can keep calm with a poker face like you,
But truth is, I'd rather be a joker getting wild with the twos.
I'm one of the few honest liars left
And we don't rattle. We don't rattle.

It's an odd feeling knowing the words,
That keep me up at night,
Won't matter once they're out, still unheard
Only said as the emotion lingering in my head.
I lie in bed putting my thoughts to rest
Sliding my finger to turn the page
Back to the real world behind the stage
Of a notepad and metophorical pen
Because a digital thought looks neat,
If only you saw the backspacing eraser
Scribbling out all my waste you'll never meet.
But we don't rattle. We don't rattle.

These are the things I think of when my eyes close:
I see a place where everything stands still,
A room full of thoughts that can ****,
Repeat the ding from brown noise,
Ping and clang keeping my mind going,
Words blowing through my brain
Like gusts just kicking up dust
For the sake of knowing they exist,
I need to attach life support back on my wrist
The chain strains and the clasp splits
You can't make sense of half of it
But if ever I wrote a line and you loved it
Then I guess it was worth all the rest.

What if I went back to school?
What if I barely see my family?
What if I don't really make it out ahead?
What if tomorrow I go to bed,
Then I just never wake up again?
What if I was happy with my life now
And everyone else who's got a problem
Can just turn their back and back down.
Okay, Ryan, relax it's just a suggestion.
The 502nd sheep just jumped over a fence
Then I cut off my mind from reflection.

It's okay to have bad days and feel good,
It's okay to have good days and feel bad.
You won't find all the answers
In the words written by someone else.
But in days of feeling lost they can help.
I'm a significant nothing in a grand scheme
Looking up to a sky wondering what it all means
I'm something to a few, I'm something to me
It's okay if I'm nothing to you.
I'm just a face in an ever passing crowd,
Hey it's getting late, may I sleep now?

Tell them a story kid,
Show them a world brand new
Or a looking glass unseen
Show them the world as you see it
Stuck in the middle of life
Like the lie you believe in.
I've seen my spirit drop my body
Then pull back yelling "I'm not leaving"
People want your blood like vampires
And they can have it when I retire
Until that day, I'll battle these demons.

Don't get lost in a good book
Or some poem by a written no one
Go outside and look at the clouds
see what others still haven't found
Lay down, like a child, right on the ground
And count the cars as they pass
Not with your eyes, just wait for the sound
You know, I used to, how about you?

I bet there's an old shop you remember
All remodeled and renewed,
If you could have it back, what would you do?
Lost some friends and family?
I've lost those too, trade it all away
For an hour or two, catch up for a minute
To tell them about life, where you've gotten in it.
And in times your memory of them fades
I'm certain they feel the same way.

Tell them a story kid
Show them a world brand new
Or a looking glass unseen
Show them the world as you see it

We don't dream like we used to
Of mansions built on ocean sides,
Of the house with a picket fence.
I keep dreaming only of a life without debt,
Wake up son, you aren't there yet.
Wake up kid, you aren't anything yet.

We don't write like we used to
Donate a million words to tell a sentence
In a time where pictures spoke less.
Miss, I don't know if you noticed
But the language lost its romance.
No one must have noticed since,
As I write or type, I go unnoticed
I guess that's why they call romantics hopeless

We don't live like we used to
I guess that's just changing tides
And although I've known no different,
I miss the older times

You can say I'm nobody,
But I am something, I'm not a body,
I bring in a force, not of reckoning,
I don't have the devil by the horns
I'd rather scorn those who sit so serious.
We can burn down this city,
Torch the town to ash with me
But only to laugh that it really hit the ground
Don't worry, we are all survivors, all around.
I don't need your money, don't insult my mind.
I'm a soldier of a different kind.

You can say I'm nobody,
In a sea of passing people populating a plot
Because the train for me just doesn't stop,
Time doesn't move for me and it doesn't not
I'm here like you with a name attached
But from me to you, I'm just a faceless man
I'm not special, I didn't participate,
I didn't do good or great and most of your demons,
I am nobody, so how could I relate?

I could say you are nobody,
Or we can shake hands and be now known.
We can discuss our interests, the lives we've grown.
We can be special in a sense that I made you so,
We can have heated discussions making time slow
Or laugh until the sun dawns then sets.
But truly i must admit,  I'm in a hurry and must be going.
Sincerely,
a nobody someone almost met.

Sick of being stuck awake,
I should probably bake a cake,
Stuff a file inside, then sit for an hour of wait,
Another hour to cool, use the tool to pry my mind from this cage
Blow out the candles, the world becomes my stage
But I fall flat on a crowd with button eyes, deaf ears,
Rusted mental gears, and smiles looking at me queer.
"Hi I'm Ryan, I'm a poet. I belong here."
Reading to a generation that skipped reading,
Stuck feeding off of the **** for free
Asking for another handout that a past life made them believe
They deserved, too delicate, while I stay thick like corduroy,
Poking fun like I should take some ilk, you're too soft
I destroy you, still drinking mother's milk, you're soft as silk.
Don't make me spell it out, we are cut from different cloth.

I've sat with my life choices happy as an oyster
In a month that doesn't have an "R"
People walk through the door and try to raise my bar,
You couldn't come close, don't judge those who trudge
Through mud and sludge then take a second to coast,
I'm still a star while others whack the green,
Barely even keeping up with par.

I don't even have enemies, I get angry with my own mind
That tells me I should be on a steady grind
Then find myself too tired to stay awake
Too awake to fall asleep, let's write it out,
I never was one to be good at counting sheep
I took to counting breaths, counting beats,
Never couldn't count on me, have a seat.
Let's talk it out and bake a cake,
Another file filed so I can free this cage,
I flee the stage.

For all that's ever gone wrong
For all the times my life was a mess
I swear I forget how much I'm blessed
It's amazing that I'm still here breathing,
My kid knows my face and follows my name
I have a wife who loves me and a place of my own
I don't question the place I call home
And I'm reminded daily I'm never alone
This life is a struggle and I do gamble with death
And even if the weather chills my bones
I can still see my breath
So that must count for something.
Nothing can mean nothing, right?

I have a couple friends that I rarely talk to at all
Society tries to tell you there's no problem money can't solve
I watch parents dope kids with pills for being kids
The same ones who grow and don't know how to live
We like to blame problems on all but ourselves
But when we run out of blame who does that help?
Life is a game and those are the cards you're dealt
Go big or go home but leave the porch light on
Because you may return like an old song

You think I've never been broke,
Think I've been over my head unable to cope?
You aren't unique in your struggle
But no one is talking so you sit puzzled
Like everyone has all the pieces, you're stuck with no thesis
What would happen if we really took off fake faces
And stopped taking blue pills, stuck in a matrix
Most hands aren't royal flushes and aces
You sit steady bluffing with a confident stare
While no one around even has a pair.
"How are you?" They ask, you open your mouth,
Take a deep breath and ready to unwind,
Try to speak then smile and say "I'm fine"

There's a place in the woods
Only lit by the inhabitants I invade,
Where I swam in the water,
You swam in the water.
We laughed because we'd cry
We cried because we stopped laughing,
Reality swept us away but for a moment
We left that all behind.

Deep in Macalania, only one other saw,
I was afraid of the future,
You were lost in the past, only we didn't know.
Only knowing I put my faith in you,
As the fayth helped guide our hands
If they had not sent you, I don't think I could stand.

Our lips touched for a second,
Our guards dropped for a moment
And the world's calm was put on hold.
The end of the journey as scary as death
Only moving forward in hopes of new breath
"Just whistle and I'll come running"

The one where the car is underwater,
And the pressure starts to creek
While the water seeps through cracks,
The cold pooling at your feet
The seat belt is stuck and you pull with might
The air starts feeling thinner, lungs are tight
You break free, as your strength comes back,
The windows each begin to crack.
Remember,

Swim up, it just isn't your time.
Swim up, while there is still light.
Swim up, don't stop.

The one with six chambers
Five cold and one burning hot
Spun with a flick then a click
Tell me how much danger can drop
At the hit of a hammer all other sound stops
The lottery doesn't play nice, son
Sometimes he bangs out like a gun.

Swim up, it just isn't your time
Swim up, don't stop

There's no streetlights on my street,
Not a single person walking by,
The kids are all stuck in school day time
The adults are stuck on a slaving grind
It's just one of those nights and one of those smiles
Where the situation is serious
But you can keep calm for a while
And in the silence of a night like this
You're totally in it.
I can't explain it better than that
Hopefully you understand.

I watch a movie that I've watched,
At least ten times before
for a familiar peace of mind
Barely watching, fighting a mental war
But, the cinema still rolls in a ritualistic way
Laughing at the parts
that make me laugh each time it plays
You know and I know it's going to be okay
Yet honestly I need a moment to unwind
And that is perfectly fine.

The hard times in life, they don't come at dark times
They come on a sunny Friday without a cloud
In a second of a moment everything can change
That's not always true, but it's true enough
Some meaningless advice from me to to you.
It's strange that you change from reader to reader,
I stay the same as naked as poetry
Keeping emotion raw and a flow with these words
I pull out of my skull in a second to say,
in a second to say whatever I feel like saying.

It's too hot in the day to go outside
It's too cold at night to stay alive
It's too late to sleep but, too early to be awake
My eyes are too tired but my mind's cranking thoughts
Work days are too long, mentally too shot.
I bet you felt this way too,
I bet you do.

It's two a.m. laying down, I feel inspired
You can keep the fame, the money, and whatever
I look to you and hope to be admired
Just a clever kid trying to make ends meet
Every time I pull them closer, they change the game
So friend have a seat, don't ask for a nickel or dime
While you're in my place, I promise you'll be fine.
I hold my own, I carry my weight, this life is golden
All the rest is a roll of luck and some fate
Rereading my own self and feeling great
While few others offer me their time and that's ok,
I'm already amazing, you'll believe me someday.

It seems unfair that I outlive my peers
As I get older, that will become deeper, i fear.
Today, I push with every muscle in my drive
Tomorrow, I may just live to survive.
It's been sitting on my head, the first friend i made,
Already made a leap to an early grave.
Free to be free but death has us enslaved
I'm talking to the walls but they ignore me still
Stuck awake and it all just feels unreal.

I've got a pocket full of tomorrows
In a pair of jeans with a rip
They only trickle out so when asked for time to borrow
I don't mind stopping even a little bit.
They tell me the stress of a job
Is worth a barely liveable wage
Something tells me I'm being robbed
Too tired to even sit and write a page.
Talking to myself as a child about the real
He says I shouldn't shake a hand on such a raw deal.

The same kid dreaming of a Tall-tale Town,
With a train blowing up cotton candy clouds,
I bet most people don't remember that now
Writing in physics class about a nonphysical town.
Now I write to slow time to think myself whole,
Time just being the distance over the speed
Sitting light years away, letting my story unfold
Until I drag myself back down to take the lead.
The stories may appear to some eyes with less fantasy
But I keep trying to write lines that defy gravity

There's a world out there flowing through the moon and sun
I won't stop dreaming until that world is done

Dear Ana,

I feel like I've had you on my mind, this whole life.
I feel like you might take me from this family,
Suffocating me, cutting me out with a knife
It's hard for me to understand why you follow so close,
At times when I eat alone, I think of you the most, Ana.
While other demons take a backseat you will never be ghost
They called me a freak in school with you on my chest
And Ana the nights you felt closest,
Are the times I wanted to rest.

When I see your face, you leave me breathless,
My heart starts pounding with my mouth trembling
You pull me in and whisper "let's end this"
As much as it pains me not to succumb to your song,
I pull your arms from my neck then you're gone,
Gone in a person but there in a presence
But I don't agree to that fate, yet have come to acceptance

So Ana, you say you miss me and every meeting seems dire
The doctors, they tell me, you're bad for my health
Still until I expire you'll never retire
And Ana feels access holding my throat in
With one injection and slowly i count to ten
Now Ana be silenced for a moment
But still talking from within.
Ana never leaves but keeps quiet until it's a struggle again

What are you trying to say,
Lately I've been asking myself.
It feels like my thoughts are too piled up
With only a feather to dust these shelves
Sweep these images off of my chest
Left scraping together this disorganized mess.
I'm having trouble with my fan base,
The trouble is I don't have a fan base.
Stuck in a position of not knowing what I want to be,
I know who I am, now let's look past me.

I've been debating religion and stuck in an uncomfortable position
Of calling most the church goers hypocrites
Only following the rules when the shoe fits
Then gossip in the back of the pew
about a man with more struggles than you
Hung up on other's demons, while pretending to smile
We send them to a mental trial, tell the next person
Next you leave them exiled, pulling some godly ranks.
Ask me to come to that place, I'll say no thanks.

It's another lakeshore day, it's another late night
Taking a breath of the wild at 2 am through dim light.
Sitting in the same room, with a little time to type
I'm stuck in my thoughts but unable to know what to say
So I'll leave this on an ironic tone
Yesterday, my father wished me a happy father's day.
But his knowledge of me stands unknown.

I go down this lake shore from work to home
Ten minutes to recover my mind, to where I'm going.
It's been alright, some nights I just want to write
Then crash on a pillow with blankets pulled tight,
Awake to a blank page with an LED light.
Smile to push that aside, with dark circles,
Speaking the truth that I'm trying to hide
But I promise I'm alright.

My mother sometimes worries, I'm stuck getting buried at work.
Eat a lunch at my station on a twelve hour rotation.
Don't worry, I can't say I'm in a hurry to work life away
All the extra just keeps the bills at bay.
Back on that lake shore, I'm soaring each day.
Today, I woke sedated and hated the feeling of dealing
With each public problem until Ryan solves them,
Another one is floating my way.

I sail through the breeze with a little unease
But the wind has me all the same.
And I hope you don't find like I,
as if I don't have much time
So pay me no mind, I still fear the end of my game.
I clock these ten hours of chore
Just to drift down that lake shore and find my way home again.

I wrote a lot today it seems
In just my mind through working mayhem
Without a pause to jot the thoughts i thought
I didn't have a pad to pen,
so when I had a chance to write them, sadly, I forgot.
Most days, I'd say, I have a lot on my chest
If I don't wash them off, they slowly infect
The inner rind of my brain, I rewind and replay
But when Ryan writes it out, no dismay just joy
Making me not such a dull boy, leave the work
And go play.
That's the opposite of Jack, I'd say.

They say not to judge a book by its cover,
Others say trust instincts overall
Yet I say that instincts are synonymous to covers
Either way I'll shake your hand and say "Good day" .
But speaking of covers i cut the front page of books
And glued one to each the other in order to make all agree,
Then I went with my gut and started to read.
Don't bother making sense and forget being tense
For in the future perfect, i will have still been correct.

I'd often agree to take time to see through eyes
Other than my own,
Imagine the times so concentrated, now as an adult grown.
Still I lose, in the most humble defeat,
No sir, I cannot walk a single block in your shoes,
For i have such small feet.

A woman walks through a store with a couple of kids,
She doesn't know yet  but she only has a week to live,
While a man at the register is getting ****** because he can't
Buy case of energy drinks using food stamps
While right outside the store, an old lady is being mugged
The crook runs right past a couple who just fell in love.
Meanwhile across the street a biker jumped over a ramp
A bus honks at him carrying a camp of kids
Who are all starry-eyed and don't even know what it's like to live

It's funny, the moment I'm sitting in
Stopped the world for the moment
To let all these little things sink in
Its funny, most people aren't watching our fall
If this whole place disappeared,
I fear no one would notice at all.

A kid brought a gun to school the other day,
While one played hookey, all his friends blasted away
Now he has guilt just for lying and surviving
showing that the worst thing isn't always dying.
Most people are more scarred of public speaking than dying
I'd rather stand on a podium inspiring peers
Than have anyone crying wishing I was here
It's funny how it all seems simple when I'm looking in the rear

It's funny, the moment I'm sitting in
Stopped the world for the moment
To let all these little things sink in
Its funny, most people aren't watching our fall
If this whole place disappeared,
I fear no one would notice at all.

Do you ever question who you'd be if you weren't you
And your past was someone else's and never knew what you knew
Would you still have the same beliefs, probably not
Currently they seem undeniable but they sold and you bought
If you lived across the world it might mean nothing at all
But no one is paying attention, no one's watching us fall