the heaviest thing i’ve ever encountered
was the silence that hung low between
hovering bodies
—a weight bearing down on shoulders so worn
and chests so tight.
breaths quivering as fists shut, withdrawn of
any life and color.

the silence spoke volumes, it whispered
things that need not be said out loud.
the silence reminded you of the distance
that had grown over the course of time,
of the changes that took place but were
being cast aside for either one’s vanity.

this silence bore down on strained necks and
crooked spines. it demanded recognition.
but nobody wants to acknowledge
the obvious when the silence is telling you
it’s time to let go.

—210126; when silence becomes the loudest thing in the room, it’s best to acknowledge it and to take it for what it is

arms around each other,
slow dancing in the dark.
steady breaths in the silence
— that was our song.

I sold my soul
to the promise of you
and got the Devil
in return

i am so
in love with
you

And I mean You.

And you know it.
You Know It.

Yet,
here i am...
Hiding.
Because you told me to.

And I mean You.
You Know It.

being with you
is akin to lurking in the shadows
desperate to breathe
when all you choose to
offer is smoke and dust
parading around as clean,
crisp air.

it's craving sunlight,
the warmth of its rays,
when all i can have
is obscured by thick, tinted glass
-- only you know
i exist behind it.

it's wanting to wade in a cool
refreshing pond,
but all i can feel is grime
& a cold, mucky
liquid sloshing around
-- drowning me

i honestly can't find better words
to describe how it is
to be around you--
it's akin to trying to breathe
with you holding a bag around
my head, whispering sweet nothings
as i gasp.

you know i would take in your
smoke and dust.

I witnessed your unraveling
as she tore you to bits.
Eating at your very core until
things seemed irreversible.

I saw how things changed
when I picked you up piece by piece.
You weren't the same but

It was like looking at shattered pottery
put back together, gleaming with gold
at the cracks.
The same, yet new at the same time.
Renewed.

Then I saw how you went back to her

I still think about it on most days...
How I'm okay with how things have turned out for the most part... but there are days when I think back to that one time I said my piece and things haven't really been the same since.

How would I be right now if I never told you what I told you that night seven months ago?

I tend to wonder if you even mean the things you say to me because you know I mean what I say where my feelings for you are concerned.
Is it all mindless flirting? Do you think I'm playing? The things you send to me, how should I take them?

On most days, I think I'm okay; for the most part, I think we're good.
It just eats at me how something tells me you won't stay.

I hope she treats you well
because I haven't been good myself

talking on the phone
i think it's early morn
wishing i was fast asleep
but i guess there's nothing i want more

body full of aches
but your voice shakes the pain away

i think that it's been good
i guess
you and her
for you 's the best

i guess i can't quite accept
that my time well spent
was nothing
and

i like you
hell, i love you
but it's not me,
i see

i guess this is reality

Time is terrible
in the sense
that it is never
consistent.
It favors you
one moment
and betrays you
the next.
It gives you
hope
for a second—
crushing it
in an instant.
Years of happiness
can come
crumbling down
in a tick.

I think it's maddening
to think
that everything
is just fine.
Fine is suspicious.
Fine is everything
and nothing.
Fine is
sometimes
anything but.

In a moment
of fleeting silence,
I found a sense
of lasting peace

is ever evasive

and i often catch myself
bounding down
chasing
what fate
won't let me have

i worry a lot, i over-think; i’m sure there’s something you’re not telling me

9 pm
“Good morning! I hope your day goes well!”
You once said
that I brightened your mornings.

10 pm
Just wait a bit.

11 pm
Just a little bit more,
it *is a different time zone.

12 mn
What time do I have to wake up again?

1 am
Where are you?

2 am
I’m tired.
I’ll wait.
How are you?

3 am
My eyes are burning.
“Well, I hope your day
is going well.”
             —i love you
I signed off with that.
             —you don’t care anymore

7 am
I’m getting ready for my day
now.
I’m late already.
I’ll just check my phone later.

1 New Message
Received: 5 am
“my day is ok.”

All that you said you’d never do,
you did.
All that you said you’d do,
you never did.
I’d never doubt you,
I had once said;
I don’t know what to think.
All I am now is
I doubt it
on legs.

I was born with the moon at my feet.
Maybe that's why I'm "so hard to reach"–
not impossible, just hard–
I'm always some distance away.
One step,
Two steps,
One giant leap.

even my thoughts lie to me

you could stack up all the bricks
in the world then slap a roof onto
them and it still wouldn't feel
like home.
just a box with a ****** excuse
for a roof.

To be honest,
I'm sad all the time
I'm tired all the time
the good thing is
that I don't have to
pretend I'm happy
all the time

is coming home feeling miserable
and your mother knows just what to do
to fix you up.

It
is hugging your siblings, and they find it
strange
but you hug them anyway.

It
is waking up feeling like there's nothing
a good cup of coffee
can't fix.

It
is walking around
all smiles, just smiles
and you can't explain why.

It
is what just can't be
explained properly
even if you use the whole dictionary.

you're letting
every piece of you
scatter to the winds,
and here i am,
picking up every last bit
even though i'm beginning
to
    fall
         *ap a  r   t

Roses have their thorns;
In your clear sky,
*I'm the storm.

i'm not nice to myself
i'm not kind to myself
i'm not proud of myself*

how do you expect me to love myself?

What* am I going to do with myself?
There's this crushing weight where my lungs should be,
a sinking feeling when there's solid ground;
I can't breathe and all I can do is choke back my tears,
I'm drowning but I'm above ground where everyone else is
                                                              ­                             inhaling
                                                      ­                                         *e x h a l  i   n   g

blink blink blink

red.
                 *stop
                                        pause.
yellow.
   ­              slow down
                                        calm down.
green.
                 go
                                        move on.

pause.
breathe.
move
on.
don't look
back.
you don't need
them.
they'll see.

The language of you and I
is a dying one—
A boneyard of empty words
and forgotten whispers.

The stillness of our voices,
unable to feign delight.

Please take me seriously
When I tell you that I don't know
what's wrong with me
Because I'm scared...
and all I can do is laugh
it
off
when I'm in front of you
cry for hours until
I
can't
breathe
when I'm in the dark
and my chest hurts
my eyes hurt
my head hurts
I hurt all over
I can't find the source
of my pain
I just want it all gone
gone
         gone
                  gone

turn me off
switch it off

*end it

Oh, but your eyes,
Your eyes were galaxies,
Stars and nebulae—
A wonder to get lost in,
Wandering through constellations.

How come I couldn't find you?

When I think about it,
I’m a glass half-empty—
I’m running out of myself
and I don’t know how I’m going to recover.

I swallowed fire
and it tasted familiar
like sea water
Salt
and it felt like
tears and it burnt
my tongue like
I took a lick
at the sun