In highschool
You fell asleep
The hair falling in your face
Your lips agape
And eyes shut gently

What would you dream, this time
Would it be about lost loves
That could have been
Like late night bloggers
Or 4am writers
Maybe even the boy

In highschool
You always cracked a joke
And you always curled your lips
Always smiling and always laughing
Your bright white teeth glimmering
Like the northern lights

What caused your smile, this time
Was it your current love
The always texting
Or the never replying
Maybe the haven't talked in years

In highschool
You'd tell stories
Your eyes lighting up
And your smile big
Your heart beating rhythmically

What was this story about, this time
Was it about the faceless distant love
Or the fateful long love
Maybe even the past love

In highschool
You were the light of the day
No matter what
You dreamed
You smiled
And you told your stories

In highschool
You were strong when everything inside you was weak.

I want to feel your lips
Between the crevice of my breast
I want you to lay me down
And pluck my clothes
Like petals of a flower
I want you to run your fingers through my hair
And make me sing like a harp
I want to be held so tight I can barely breath
Pull me in your arms and wear me like your favorite sweater
Let me keep you warm
When the world is cold
I can be your mittens so your hands are never cold
The socks you put on everyday for work
So you never get cold feet
I want you to kiss me so gently and so hard you make my mind turn to fuzz
Static
Numb and everlasting
Pull my hair to wake me from my sleep
Wrap your hand around my throat when you put your tongue in my mouth
Wipe my tears when I cry cause sometimes it's too much
But not enough
I can never have enough of you
Of this
The sparks that shock me everytime you touch me
The hips you pull to get every inch
The breast you grab to make me sing  
The face you caress to gain your power
And that spot between my thighs that leaks of honey
And sometimes your milk
Give me it all
Hold me down
Pull me close
Treat me well
Make me yours

The meaning of true is false
blinded by brainwash and ignorance
reminds me of the ways you made me repulse
masked by a thing of brilliance
I hope you see what you need
It's me
I see it in the way you can deceive
God, your naive
I don't mean to rhyme
but I thought it was time
to put you in a place I've been for years
Lonely, disgusted back to the tears
You were divine
Made me be blind  
best friend, not
who would have thought
That I would be writing this thinking of you
But no none of this is new
should've seen this new present
hot flash, think back, and make me resent
But now we're though
Don't you see the meaning of false is always true

The temperature is dropping
While the leave turn,
Red like stop lights,
Yellow like wilting daisies,
Orange like when I close my eyes in the sun
Everyday you wear hoodies from basic
Sweaters made of grey cotten
White puff of frozen air escape from
Their mouths as they walk down streets
Six thousand six hundred and sixty seven miles away
It must be so beautiful
To see it all happen before your very eyes
Fall, autumn, summer to winter
My leaves are still green
But it’s cold knowing you’re nowhere near
Halloween is approaching
But you won’t see my costume
You won’t hold my hand
As we get lost in a corn maze
You won’t wrap an arm around me
As we ride through the pumpkin field
You won’t get to hold me close enough
Where I can hear your heart beat like drums
When we watch Tim Burton films
Not while you are over there and
I am over here
You are missing it all
I am missing it all
We are missing it all

Next time I hope you bite your tongue
To save you from making yourself look like a fool
Because I wasn't the one to drink my self stupid tonight
I wasn't the one to ignore my child's problem for an overpriced drink
No, I'm sorry can you hold
Your hands
Cause all my life
I was told never bite the hand that feeds
But the thing is that was never the case
You don't feed
Your hands are to busy
Sending messages that make no sense
Incoherent
To busy flicking a light to pollute the lungs
To busy cracking a can to poison your
Liver
No your hands  were too busy to feed
Because while I was alone hopeless and crying because a  illness in which you neglect
You were out drinking and celebrating
"Hey we made it to today, now let's poison ourselves more"
See your freshly polished fingernails
And heavy ice wrist
Weren't made for feeding
So I'll bite your hands
Because there always busy doing something that doesn't involve me
Your child
Your only daughter
I am the one who locks myself in my room
I am the one who cries and thinks
"I'm not enough, I'll never be enought"
While you drink
And you smoke
And to put it simply
While you make your insides rot faster
No your hands were to busy trying to care for yourself
Your lousy self
Now your hungover and those small sounds I make
Make you scream and shout
"Shut up, be quite"
I'm sorry I haven't ate all day to busy chasing thoughts that swarm in my head
"It's not my fault you don't eat"
Really, cause I see that Chinese two boxes, none for me
Yet here I am trying to eat
I'm sorry I'm a basic ******* human being
Who needs **** like shelter and food
Just to ******* live
And your to busy supporting bad habits to even
Provide basic **** for me
And to me
An alcoholic doesn't exist
At least not with parents
An alcoholic is a person who's love for alcohol stems far greater than the love for their child.

Do you write it on a paper
With black ink
That doesnt bleed
Slip it into your pocket as you walk away from me
Do you shout it from the highest rooftops that touch the clouds or the balconies that stand before you towering those frightening hights
With a voice so fragile it
Can break like stained glass
And a roar so loud
It's heard in every crevice of the land
Do you type it out
With taps of your nimble fingers
Urgent like the constant need to tell
Press send, shut the door, and throw away the key
How do you tell
With a whisper just before you get whisked to sleep
Gentle and soft like the tip of a feather
But passionate like the brush of an artist
How do you tell
Do you write poems that elude to the words
The feelings that burn and beg for release
The skips that my heart does everytime I see you
Do you write songs
With a treble so high the birds can sing
But a bass so low you feel it thumping with your pulse
Lyrics that trap themselves in your mind so you'd never forget
How do you tell
Do I Trace it out on your side
When we lie together at night
While the crickets are chirping
And Mars so bright and red glowing like a lantern in the night
How do you tell
In days where I get these constant reminders like shocks to the arm
Or months where I think of the worse and it yanks me by my feet at night
What about years when everything is bliss and your there to protect me
I can't hold it in
But I can't let it out
its like an
Ulcer on my side
It burns and itches
when I am with you
I want to pick at it and will it away
I want to douse it in water
To scratch till it bleeds out
Spread aloe vera and nurture it to health
Please write the book with happy endings to make your heart swoon
Write that book that I leave on my night stand dresser because I read it so much
Write the songs that get stuck in my head and I listen to on repeat
Paint the canvas that we will hang on our bedroom wall with every color on the spectrum
Paint that canvas to remind me there is never a dull moment with you
Choose a chord with melodies as sweet as peaches and humming bird hum
I need to know
How to tell you I'm in love with you

Me and him were still together?
I never said hello?
You never swiped right?
I never responded?
You didn't give me the second chance?
We decided to see The Incredibles instead of The Nun?
We didn't get the large bucket of popcorn?
You really did go to Germany after Korea?
Oh, my what if?

I’m glad I broke up with him
I’m glad I said hello
I’m glad you swiped right
I’m so glad I decided to respond
I’m grateful you gave me a second chance
I’m glad we saw The Nun
I’m glad we always get the large bucket of popcorn
I'm glad you came right back home to me.

It's a shame these are a “writer's diet”  
I have always dreamt of being a well-known author
Being on the New York's best seller
Even directing my own movie based on one of my books
To release a book of poems
That is just as effective as Rupi Kaur
I don’t smoke anything
But
I do drink black coffee
Like right now
Its 4:17 in the morning
And I’m up writing about you
Well us
To be completely honest
Most nights I can't sleep because the wheels of my brain are too preoccupied  
On coming up with ideas to do for you
Spending most nights up making you bookmarks with yarn as tassels
Writing poem that are completely inspired
By the way you curve your lip when you smile
Or the ways your eyes light up when you’re about to laugh

The small grin that appears when I make the dumbest jokes
The way you cover me when I’m being to scandalous  
Poems dedicated to the way
You make my heart compete in a race
And oftentimes win
The way you hug me so tightly when we were at your place in Alamogordo the morning before you left
The time you told me about the time you ran over that tall curb while leaving Walmart
Poems that are dedicated
To the fact that we get the same order at sonic
Or that we both thoroughly enjoy the perks of being a wallflower
Black coffee and cigarettes
Are for the greats
All I need
Is black coffee and you
And I can write a whole book of poems in a month.

I couldn’t help it
It wasn’t an intent or even a prospect
There wasn’t a Eureka moment
Or even a great speculation
It happened
With no preparation
No apparent occasion
And no way to faze it
I can’t bring myself to fade it
Because not once in my life span have I sustained this
But your making me wanna change it
Like ocean waves always crashing
I collapsed and fell
I may have hit a few rocks
Because I can’t swim back up
I try and I try
cause I know you don’t want to pull me back up
That you’d rather let me sink
Until I end up drowning
Cause you don’t feel I do
You don’t kiss like I do
You don’t love like I do
And finally
You won’t swim like I will

When I walked to your car
Never did I imagine this would happen
When we kissed
When you took the diamond
And revealed it
Gently, softly, and so very sweet
I would never treat you like them
Never
Never hurt you
You are too good for me completely
I called you when I was coming home
Fell into the lonely dark
Cold, bitter, home for me
I told you I would never hurt you
I am no good for you
Not when I so carelessly fell into his arms when I was bored and lonely
You called me friend but kept me closer
I’ll call you when I’m coming home
When I pass the vacant towns
And the long stretches of land
When I'm on my own
I am sorry that I did it
I will never hurt you
Never on purpose

Quiet, my dear this ice-cold glass box wasn't made for tampering
For hiding when it’s only but us two
For when a boy decides he doesn't want her anymore
For when a girl decided her friend is better than her boyfriend on prom
My dear don't let the little birds peck your diamonds
Please don't let them hurt you
Don't let me let you go
I could lie and say
I’d never hurt you
I learn to lose but
I don't want to
You call me friend
But I will lie and say I like it like that

I don't remember waking up
I just remember holding you...

A concept to fall out of love
Was foreign to me
I thought I'd love you till the end of time
When I thought of you I'd smile
I'd remember all the good times we had together
And it would make the butterflies in my stomach
Flutter and fly
The goosebumps on my arm would spike
The beat in my heart would thump
You made me so happy
How could I ever think of you as anything else
But you showed me how
You cheated and made the caterpillars come out their
Cocoon too soon
Their wings to brittle to take flight
Just cracking and falling to the ground
You lied and made
The bumps disappear
Like a magic trick you took all the faith I had in us and made it vanish into thin air
Most importantly
You broke my heart
Like a clock that stopped ticking
My heart became beatless
The blood and the vessels still flowed
But somehow it stopped beating
And just like that
You broke the heart which had beat for you
And just like that a concept
Was no longer foreign

Everything I will ever
Read will always be about you
Anything I see will always be
Similar to you
The boys after you will
Only pale in comparison

Before I met you  
Real feelings were a myth
Obviously, these could be faux
Whatever the case might be
Nobody will ever make me feel
       the way you do.

I might cry in front of you
You were leaning on your car seat of your
Standard blue jeep wrangler
I could carve you of rock
If I knew how to carve
Your eyes are deep like black holes ******* in light and time
I didn't want it to end
You make me feel like I was on fire
Burgundy on my face
Ash on my forehead
I had never met someone who has a sun for a soul
It envelopes everything in its path
Slowly taking over the much smaller star I call a soul
It wasn't catastrophic
Nor tragic
The way it was so easy to be overwhelmed by your smile
How I'd be cold when you were gone
But on fire when you were near
You should come with a warning
Like cutting onion
anything you do could move me to tears
This is a warning I could cry in front of you
A sun for a soul

A diamond for a smile
Beautiful

We both like space
Not as in empty rooms
With no chairs
No tables
No Beds
Or couches
But space
Black emptiness
With chairs
And tables
Beds
And couches
Futons even
So full of things we haven't even discovered yet
Souls for stars
Stars for souls
Dark pits you call eyes
******* in light wherever they land
Planets for a mouth
And meteors for fingers
You are a walking solar nebula
Fill my mind with wonder and excitement
When you bestow your black holes upon me shooting the gamma rays, I turn to light
A sun for a soul
I see fire burning in your eyes
When you touch my hand
I explode into galaxies
I am Saturn and we gravitate like rings

The space between Jupiter,
Europa, and Calisto
We both like space
You see the stars in me
I see the galaxies in you

You're the socks on my feet
Every thread is a
Forgotten phrase
A redefining page
        You’re the blanket on the bed that I can never sleep without
The fibers to make it whole
The limbs
The organs
The very pulse that reminds me
That my heart is beating
         You’re the folded corner of a page of my favorite book on my nightstand dresser
The beginning
The middle
The end, not just a chapter but the whole book
The prequel
The sequel
The epilogue
A word that makes me believe there is sunshine everywhere
A phrase I will quote and repeat everyday
         You’re the one who makes me purely
Utterly
Completely
happy.

How are you not with someone?
You're so beautiful and gentle
Funny and charismatic
Caring and unbelievably understanding
You’re like a singular sunflower in a field of roses
People always go for roses
Because they think red is the most
Love Filled color
A dozen roses does not compare to a single sunflower
Yellow means caution
This could hurt
But go for it
Yellow is how I feel about a sunflower

Do you feel it when you’re flying, or does that come naturally to you?
I swear I feel like I’m floating when we hold hands or kiss
How does it feel to be so precious and light?
That gravity can't hold you down to Earth
Such a genuine person
Funny
Smart
Really what's the catch

How does it feel when you walk into a room and time stops?
When you get in my car and my heart stops
A man who walks into a room and the walls collapse at the very sight of him

How has such an amazing person been hurt?
Who was in charge of that
Me?
I’ll never do it again

Have you ever met someone and just thought?
Is it you?
It must be because the walls have collapsed
“Hello,” I look up at you

Don't get scared
When I say these things
Just like I'm not scared
When I feel these things.

When I was in 1st grade I learned 2+2=4
I liked to count on my fingers because I never made a mistake
then it got harder
12+6
I only have 10 fingers
So I stuck out my tongue
and counted my arms
But I couldn't pass 13
And 12+6=18
When I was in 2nd grade
I learned how to multiply
2x2=4
But it was hard
Because I couldn't use my hands
Or my tongue
Or my arms
When I was older
I learned how to love
Because I met you
And it was easy to add
Because everything added up to you
Then you threw in multiplication
And fighting and ignoring
It didn't make sense
So I wrote it on paper
To make it easier
But my numbers came out odd
When I had even numbers
So I went on with my odd numbers
But then you gave me division
So I carried the 7
and dropped the 5
Then I carried the weight of your words
And dropped the issues that troubled me
But my remainder never fell to 0
So I remain silent
Like my cries at 3 a.m
I remain imbalanced
Like the love we once shared
I remain broken
Like when I realized I only had 10 fingers

A father is your very first love
From the moment you wrap
Your small nimble fingers around
Just one of his
To the first moment he holds you
To the moment he hits you
The moment he yells of the hate he holds for you
You're very first love
The first person to wish you werent born
The first person to kick you at your low
He is your very first love
The man before men
From the moment he drunkenly holds you down
The first wift of cold beer that drips off his moustache
As he roars curses directed at you
A young girls first love is her father
The moment he tells you to go
The moment he becomes a villain in your story
The moment he praises his son for abusing you
The time he broke your spirit
But a father is always your first love
And for me my first heart break.

I loved you
Enough to let you repeatedly break my heart
To push me away and ignore my cries
To treat me like I mean nothing
After all the time we spent lying in your dormitory watching movies on my tablet or your phone
When youd dance on your cold tile floor
While making pasta
Knock three times on the bathroom door
To make sure you werent walking in on your neighbor pooping again
The walk you do to the mirror every morning to appreciate your own beauty
The hours we spent making out
On your bathroom counter
On your bed
In my dreams
Such significant moments that we shared were I'd get so sad to leave
The time we ordered $60 worth of dominoes and binged aytipical
We always talked about going to the planetarium in alamogordo
Taking trips to Santa fe
We even talked about having children
And getting married
But we always stayed on base
And I loved you
Oh I love you
I love you
I
Love
You
Enough To do it all over again

we said we would have one last time
one last kiss
one last touching moment where we stared at each other
one last time where we lie bare
but it never happened
I never got to kiss you one last time
I never got to stare at you one last time
I never got to tell you I love you
at least not in person

I feel so alone without you
but we were not meant to be
and you weren't made for me  
and I was not made for you
you made my heart collapse
I have all these memories of you
we were a fairy tale
a dream come true
I love you
I love you
I love you
cómo me duele
mi amor  cómo me duele

When I think about you
My mind turns to white noise
The butterflies in my stomach
Multiply
The thump of my heart is so strong
I feel like my heart's a prisoner in a cage waiting to break out
I'll hit my head to get it working again
Breathe in to release the butterflies
Command the beat of my heart to slow down
The art of control
To not spread my legs at the sound of your voice
Waiting for you to paint the canvas
To not turn brain dead
When you press your lips into me
To not jump around like I’m on crack
When we make plans to meet
To not have a heart attack
Every time you tell me you miss me
Like I miss you
It’s an art
To teach my body not to give out when you are around me
To not leak of honey
Crave you in sinful ways

To not turn to fuzz
When I hear your voice
To not explode
when I feel your kiss

“Don't fall in love with the first Korean lady you meet.”

“See you later.” I whisper as I drive away from the sun.

Miles away
Can you hear my heart break?  
I thought we had more time
Before you left
But in 9 days you will be gone
And I'll be here
The same smile
Only slightly broken
The same eyes
Just a little more dull
The same laugh
Only silent
I love you
The way the dark loves the light
I'll love you for eternity
Even when your gone
And my eyes carry bags from the nights I can't sleep
Knowing I'm not by your side
I'm gonna feel it in the crevice of my bones when you leave
The places you've kissed will mourn
The places you've been will void
And the places you go will prosper
But I'll be here for the years to come
I don't know of what the future holds for us
It's beyond my control
I wanna believe you will come back
And we'll start up where we left off
But that happens in fairy tales
And fairies aren't real
So my love
Tell me
Do you hear every tear that slides off my cheek?  
Do you feel the ache in my heart?  
And miles away
Can you hear my heart break?

Tell me you love me
When I leave the warmth of your bed

Tell me you love me
When I carefully pack my clothes in my bag

Tell me you love me
When I drive for endless hours to my home away from home

Tell me you love me
When it's been months without seeing you

Tell me you love me
When you pull her in for kisses that should be mine

Tell me you love me
When you meet your number 9 and give her the affection I crave

Tell me you love me
When you hold her in your warm embrace the first time she stays the night

Tell me you love me
When you see your first movie together and you wrap an arm around her as she holds the large bucket of popcorn you two share

Tell me you love me
When you tell her, "I love you." And she smiles and says it back

Tell me you love me
When you forget about me by the taste of her lips and the way she laughs

Tell me you love me
When I'm still here falling in love with you every second that past and your falling into her

Tell me you love me
My
Dear
When I call you the sun but you shine on just the moon

Here lies the love we shared
We are gathered here today
In remembrance for a relationship
so devastatingly romantic
July 30, 2016 - June 6, 2017
With love comes break
with rain comes thunder
with you came goodbye
You ended it through text
you ended it with 5 syllables
" I don't care anymore"
you destroyed what I had tried so hard to replenish
you ended it because
I made one mistake
It was small. it was minor. it was an accident.
But none the less
you left
you broke my heart in 7 syllables
"I' m done messing with you "
enough to write the first two lines of a haiku
You finished me with 5 syllables
" Again I am done "
in that moment you were shiki
In his words
"cold winds turns into rain "
three lines
17 syllables
you ended this with three lines
and all my stupid heart can think of is
"He wrote a haiku "

Thighs
That crater in thin air
Cheeks
That are bigger than the sun
Eyes
Like almonds that turn to crescents when I smile
A smile
That is dorky and nerdy
Something to be ashamed of
Lips
Too thin like pizza dough that has a hole ripped through it
Height
Can't reach the top shelf where my parents keep the sugar  
There are so many girls
Who are prettier
Skinnier
With thighs that don't smother you when I get on top of you
Or cheeks that don't totally eclipse their eyes
Smiles that are straight and white
Too busy being beautiful to even think about being dorky
I don't know why I feel this way  
But suddenly
Since you, I don’t

If you'd write your name and the word beloved
It'd be like two synonyms
Only when I wrote your name and beloved in conjunction
It's an oxymoron
Two opposites joined in harmony
Beloved and you
You and beloved
No
For your name is wretched
It's the venom that boils in my blood when I speak your name
It's like fire in an igloo
Every thing it touches ceases
You are black ink on cracked skin
It spreads until its covering every part of you, the parts I  so desperately tried to hide
You're name rings a fierce tone
And it's not bravery
Its cowardly
It all that's negative
And it all that rots and diminishes
You are a scourge
You are a plague infested blanket
a blanket I had not wished to be covered by
Your name means beloved
But the pain and the suffering you have granted me
Has changed that definition
It's a story that make me sob
Your a name that I despise
You have tricked and trotted
Taken and not given
You have yanked an advantage that was not yours to take
My body is numb in the places You've  abused
My lips ache with your name engraved on them
You are a needle and a thread
That sowed me silent
You, are not worthy of the name beloved.

Obviously
        Obviously
                     Obvi
It’s obnoxious
Completely impractical
To think you've completely lost interest when you message me while
Eighty miles away
Or
Six thousand six hundred sixty-seven miles away
When you call me beautiful
Or cute
When you tell me you miss me
When I was the last person you've kissed
The last person you've pressed your ice-cold feet against
It was me
Who you laced hands with while we walked around the mall
It was me you called every night
Because you knew your voice calmed me down for sleep
You were the one who held me when I was crying because I didn't think I could bare missing you for so long

It was me who you wrapped an arm around as we watched the clocks
So obviously
           Obviously
                       Obviously
You like me, right?

It took you a week and half
11 days
264 hours
15840 minutes
And an infinite amount of moments
For you to forget that I loved you

I have alot of favorite things
Like the perks of being a wallflower the book
Like scott pilgrim vs the world a severly underrated movie
And in minecraft when i find bees and decorate their tree with flowers
I like the word wholesome
I like the feeling you get after you finally sneeze after 30 mins
I like the smell of wet soil
My favorite thing is views
My favorite things to see
Is when the sun came up after a warm night in your long limbs
The way you smile that melted my frozen heart
Your smile is like sunshine its my favorite ******* view
And sir it tremendously under appreciated

Your boyfriend is a lucky man
But I am the lucky one
I get to wake up knowing I have a sweet caring boy
That loves me
Who's gentle when he kisses me
Who's big hands grab me by my waist and sit me on his lap
Kiss me and love me
Hold me and never let me go
I am so lucky I get to see your beautiful smile every morning
You tell me every night goodnight, and I love you
Being with you is like winning the lottery
You are so genuine with everything you speak
Or do
You make me feel special
In a way, I've wanted to feel my whole life
When you kiss me, it feels like fireworks and butterflies
I hope that you do too.
I know what we have is not one-sided
I know you're hesitant when it comes to me
I know you don't want to get hurt
But you're trying, and I see it with every call and every text
I love everything you do
I'm such a lucky woman because you love me just like I love you.

My
Heart
Aches
For
You.