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Lavina Akari May 2016
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i try to get to your heart but i am met
only with your vitriolic demons,
they are foaming at the mouth with hatred,
it's almost as if they are guarding you.
who hurt you? tell me their name.
Lavina Akari May 2016
i want to be able to write about
how complete you make me feel and i want
to be able to write beautiful poetry about how much love you give me and how
wonderful you make me feel but you do
not make me feel complete at all you make me feel more broken than i have ever been before and i beg you for love and you will not give me a drop and anything you do give me i am convinced it is fake but i take it anyway.
love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me
love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me
love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me  love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me
love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me
WILL YOU ******* LOVE ME
377
Lavina Akari Mar 2016
377
miles and miles that run between us.

whilst I am crumbling and falling apart and you are dragging your body through hell we stumble upon each others echoed voices
in the dark
the whispers make the stars light up above me and slowly guide me to you
and I paint pictures of you in my head wrapped in my arms with the pale moon reflecting in your eyes.
these miles are slowly shrinking and closing between us, this feeling shattering through my body like I'd pulled a trigger on a gun

all of the miles between us close in, until there are none.
Lavina Akari Jul 2013
"come back" you call
but no one hears

did you make a sound?
of course you did, you heard it yourself

wash the acid from my skin, kiss the blood from my wounds

eat all of my hate, plant flowers in every cracked flaw on my body

stitch every imperfection of mine with kisses

heal me, scratch the anger out of me and leave red lines i can smile upon

i cannot spend my life waiting for people to fix me.
Lavina Akari Aug 2016
I read that anger is weakness, and that patience is strength
But it is from anger that I found my strongest self, from blind fury that I learned my fists can break steel and my entire body is made from diamond.
How can patience be strength when every single agony-filled second that drags by I feel myself growing weaker and frailer?
Lavina Akari Mar 2016
the static has tiptoed across me from my brain into my lungs,
electrifying each and every one of my breaths into
sharp icicles and lightning bolts.

white noise vibrating against my skin as the ice cold
waves
rock me back and forth
as if they are nursing a newborn baby.
the cold trickles down me and makes me shiver

my limbs are blue and my lips are blue and i am floating
floating
floating
somewhere safer.
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
you touched me and it
set
   my
skin
             alight
and in the frenzy of the moment
i looked through the flickering flames
and kissed your smiling face.
i thought this was me,
finally warm,
finally safe
and finally alive, but
now it's been a month
and these burns aren't even close to scabbing and the scars that they leave will be deeper
than any trauma i have previously endured.

this ended before it began but
fire burns the body
incredibly quickly and now
my heart has blackened and throbs and i
watch you stand and marvel at your magnificent artwork.
you have incinerated my will to live.

i thought you could be my home,
my house had burned to the ground, but then
i remembered you were the one
who lit
      the
                         match.
Lavina Akari Aug 2014
around this time last year
you were asleep because you fell down the stairs

i waited at a meteor shower and wished for you and
you awoke the next day, but then you went away

this year i went and wished on you again
please come back, i miss you so

your brittle bones must have strengthened by now

i can't wait to see you,
i'll see you soon
Oh, Xavier, when will you come home
Lavina Akari Aug 2013
maybe, one day
if I am lucky

I will be free

but until then
I will always feel

caged, trapped

maybe, always
if things do not change

I will be a flightless bird
beautiful,
but unable to show the world
Lavina Akari May 2016
i am not a human, i am a mirror.
i have no identity, there is no 'me'
do you like what you see?
Lavina Akari Aug 2017
6/16

it could be good
feeling in extremes when positive
emotions surface.
unfortunately,
my intense emotion is easily influenced
and on this planet
everything good dies quickly

i wish i was good
Lavina Akari Jul 2013
such a broken little girl
cracked open her skull and
showed everyone her dreams
shame she forgot that all her friends
were monsters

silly little girl
sliced open her veins and
showed everyone what they had
done
she was controlled by a monster
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
these hands of mine are capable of
so much poetry and art,
plucking strings,
pressing keys,
and making music,
creating and holding.
i can learn an entire language using my hands. they may someday trace someone else, clothe and feed another. this hand to my left can bare a ring of unity and hold another's.
these hands of mine can do so much, yet i spend my time having them wedged down my throat and scratching my insides, use them
to play with my blood and wipe my tears.
these hands of mine have so much potential,
yet like my whole being they are wasted.
Lavina Akari May 2016
death is my mortal enemy,
for he takes all that i love and leaves me all alone.
but today he is my best friend,
for he is taking me, too
i welcome him.
Lavina Akari Mar 2016
i can still see you, no matter how hard i scrub this eraser
your face won't go away.
it's almost as if your death has been tattooed to the backs of my eyelids and some sick ******* has scribbled your name on every wall of this broken home.

i cut your name into my skin so i wouldn't forget it
but now it's the only thing i can seem to remember.

every day i wake up and i see you die,
i eat my breakfast and i listen to your heartbeat come to a halt.
i go outside and i hear your fading laughter in the warm breeze.
you're in every empty room playing the piano,
touching the keys so gently as if they are made of glass.
when the burning sun sets and dresses the world in shades of oranges and pinks i see your coffin being lowered into the ground and when the beautiful dawn breaks over us i don't see you rise with it.
you die in my dreams, you die when i'm awake, you die in every sapphire in every drop of water you die in the skies and the dirt and the raging fires that burn everything i love to the ground. you die in the dazzling storms, you die in the calm, you die in the night and the day and you die every day, day after day.

everywhere i go, i see you die.
you won't rest, aren't you tired of dying?
i want to move past you, but you're stuck in my brain
Lavina Akari May 2016
YOU ARE ******* MAKING ME
ROT FROM THE INSIDE I USED
TO BE CLEAN AND FRESH AND
FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS AND SUNLIGHT AND NOW I AM A
******* GRAVEYARD, A ROTTING CAGE FILLED WITH WEEDS AND PAIN AND TORMENT AND BROKEN PROMISES
IT IS SO DARK INSIDE
WHY DID YOU PUT THE LIGHT OUT
STOP IT STOP IT THATS NOT FAIR THATS NOT FAIR THATS NOT FAIR
Lavina Akari Dec 2013
this time last year was dark
and unclear
there were hopes for me
i had no fear

my scars - still wounds
my heart still yearning
he said 'i love you' and the
room started
turning

how silly i was, i couldn't believe
i replayed it forever
i love him, you see

patience had met a boy
in my absence
and the morning sun had met her moon
a precious stone was lost
the day the grass lit up with frost

-

this time this year, still dark
unclear
no hopes for me
the dark i fear

my scars - now healed
but my heart is blue
he loves my friend

she loves him too

how silly i was, still holding on
gripped too tight
i am still
alone

patience is in love
she waited long enough
the sun moved too soon and lost the reflection
of her moon
Gods Servant found the precious stone

and i am a lost soul
no one have i found
waiting for the day
i am put in the
ground.
Lavina Akari Jul 2014
i became infected

i allowed sadness in like the oxygen i breathe
it seeped through my lungs and soon it was rushing
through my bloodstream

i can feel it, oh my goodness it hurts
  so much

but very quickly it stopped me feeling at all,
like painkillers
everything was numb but i knew it was wrong and i had to get it out
the doctors wouldn't give me medicine to drain it,
so i tried to drain it myself

if it is swimming in my veins i must get it out
my blood will renew itself and clean
so i cut myself open, again and again
and again.                   (and again)
tried to let it wash out as red ran down my body
so my veins would be cleaned of this parasite inside
tried to spit it up with my meals and burn it out of my skin

but its so big
and i am so small
it surpassed all of my attempts and stayed in my body
now the pain i feel is physical too
Lavina Akari Aug 2013
I feel I am getting bad again
I am not coping

I want to die, I want to feel pain
from myself
for myself
no one else

I want to cut out my problems and
eat my worries

but, by tomorrow
when I wake up

I will be okay again
Lavina Akari Aug 2013
August 12, 2013

right now I am looking at the sky
and watching each star appear one by one
as the night progresses

I have seen three shooting stars
beautiful, sparkling diamonds crying

did you know?
that when you wish upon a shooting star
you're a million years late
because the light from the stars have
taken so many years to burst through
into our Earths sight
and we experience its beauty
when it is too late

I guess people can be like that too
they are nice to you but you do not care
and after they are gone, and it is too late
you see the light in them
and realise how beautiful they are
but there is nothing you can do
xavier
Lavina Akari Jul 2014
I don't want my friends to understand me.
I don't want them to understand my pain and 'know how I feel'.

I want them to stutter at a loss of words when I cry in their
arms because I'm so tired of how I feel.
I want them to get angry because I can't shower myself and
I want them to tell me it's stupid how I feel so sad for no reason.
I don't want them to understand when I rip myself apart over a person and
I shake in front of them because I won't stop bleeding,
I want them to ask me why I have to be like this and apologise
how they can't help me because they don't get it,
they say they don't understand mental illness and they think it's dumb.

Because if they understand

then that means they'll have felt it.
true
Lavina Akari May 2016
pain makes others creative, why do i have to be the one
who becomes empty? i can't move my fingers properly.
my brain has rusted, it is covered in cobwebs and dust. i have tried so hard to make peace with my demons but they refuse to let me move.
they pierced their fangs into me and they are draining me of everything i once was. i am a limpless, grey figure in this white room and
i am invisible. it's shifting between complete numbness
and excruciating agony, they're rolling a dice each
day to decide which it is.
pain makes others creative,
why do i have to be the one who becomes empty?
Lavina Akari May 2016
i'll spend my night lying awake staring
at the ceiling waiting for him to message me
but he never does, i knew this anyway
i knew he wouldn't
eventually, after hours of crying and turning
and bleeding, i'll tire myself out and my eyes will close
and, due to my luck, he'll message five minutes later
but he wont reply when i reply
he won't talk after that
he'll tell me he loves me sometimes
just to try and stop me crying
but it doesnt stop me crying
lies do not comfort me anymore
lies do not dry my cheeks
but i'll eat them like my last meal
and then he'll disappear
and i'll leave it until he messages again
and i'll cry and i'll bleed and i'll punch myself
and i'll ignore everything good in the world
because he refuses to experience it with me
he doesn't want to experience it with me
because i am not good. i am worthless
and he knows it
and they know it
and i know it
and i'll imagine myself being ice like i was before
but somehow his embers have burned through me and it's too heated for me to
freeze over again
and i'll lay awake at night waiting for him to message me
but he won't
he doesn't
i knew he wouldn't, i didn't expect anything else
and he'll tell me he loves me
and i'll eat his lies like my last meal
desperately trying to find some form of solace
but i don't
they taste sour
i look at him like he is a diamond
and he looks at me like i am a pebble
and i am so filled with anger
so much fire, i'm not used to fire
i want to be cold again so it will stop hurting
but it won't. it's too hot here
i'll lay awake at night staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how i can become good enough
or even just enough
but it won't work
and i'll cry and bleed
i want him out of my veins
Lavina Akari May 2016
i burned everything i loved trying to keep you warm
i burned everything that mattered because
you said you liked the way the orange and red flames danced together, and that we could dance amidst them, but you'd already found a warmth in their chest.
i thought i was fire and you were gasoline,
but you were water. you were water.
Lavina Akari Jul 2013
I was broken

you did not fix me

instead you threw pretty words in my ears
traced the indentations over my wrists
and said;
'never open them again'

but I did
I couldn't help it

you were here all night and gone the next morning
like a one night stand on a film
and the viewer keeps pressing rewind

you did not understand that
Satan
played with my mind like a toy

and voices filled the silence that you didn't;

I was the shell that you couldn't fill
abandoned on a beach to be washed away
by the slow tide

chilling to the bone

you do not and never will understand

not wanting to live
and wanting to die

are two very different things
Lavina Akari Jul 2013
you are fragile
and the boy in the year above you calls you fat
and the girl in the row behind says you look like a rat
and you sit and think about it for a few minutes
minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days
and soon you've lost track of the last time you ate
and soon you've become obsessed with your weight
you forgot what colour your skin used to be
because your arms are covered in red lines
and you cry all the time

you are fragile
and the girl in the hospital bed groans
she is short and she is thin,
skin and bones
this girl is you
and there is only one thing you need to do
but again, all you can do is cry
all you hear the doctor do is sigh
you hear the boy in the year above has died
drunk with a car, an upsetting fate
and the girl in the row behinds period is late
when was the last time you ate?

you are fragile
and the man in the street smiles
he stares for a while
he soaks up any sadness
laughs at your jokes
you are happy -
madness
you remember what colour your skin was
and the last time you ate
because he has fixed you

*you are not fragile
Lavina Akari Aug 2015
do not be seduced by those with a reputation of a heartbreaker

do not allow them to strum on your heartstrings
because you are not someone's instrument.
do not misinterpret their charms as care or love for you

do not allow them to throw beautiful words down your throat at night
because you will wake up in the morning choking on them
and they will be nowhere to be found.
how can you call for help if you can't breathe?
Lavina Akari Jul 2013
maybe my mother
neglected me a little
but she still bent over backwards
so I could have an education.

and my daddy's in the army
and he's been to third world countries
and he's seen so much suffering
and some of his friends are dead
yet he still goes there
and he still smiles when he greets me
in the morning.

and maybe my sister saved me
when no one else would
just by smiling at me
the way a toddler should

and maybe my best friend
has never even met me
but she knows more than myself
and she's never left once

and maybe the only boy I ever liked
turned out to be slightly heartless
and nothing actually happened
and I don't like to pretend it did

and maybe at some points
in my short life
a video game would be the only
comfort

but any form of comfort I find I grip
a little too hard
and maybe it hurts them
at the start
and that's why they wriggle away
like a fish
in someone's hand
Lavina Akari Aug 2013
there was once a girl I used to know
she was the most beautiful girl in the world,

smiling showed off her glistening teeth
so true, so pure
it took my breath away
her happiness made her skin shine and her hair dazzle
the gold no rich man could buy

she smelled of rain, spice, mint!
you could spend hours sitting next to her

her eyes were precious gems, more
than just
sapphires, emeralds, diamonds, more than that

her heart was warm and made of solid gold
so inviting she lured every kind man towards her



there once was a girl I used to know, although
she isn't a girl anymore

frowning never showed her once pearl teeth
now stained from tobacco
her teeth were the colour of suicide
her sadness had allowed her skin to become flawed her hair greased and limped,
the trash metals no one valued

she smelled of spice and grime
nobody wanted to be near her for long

her eyes were dull, foggy, maybe
like cheap glass that needed polished, no one
would look at them

her heart, an empty cave, so hollow
any man who even dared to enter would find
nothing but a dying memory of her former self
and no one liked that

what a waste of a girl?
maybe
everyone expected more from her
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me please don't leave me

please don't leave me
please please please
Lavina Akari Aug 2013
what a beautiful sight, you should have seen
the blood! should have seen the anger and bitter hot tears
and shiny metal
and swollen lips from biting as if
you're trying to shut that voice up inside you because they
speak through you through your mouth and
red lips, teeth
use your tongue and chest shout for them to go away
its not working, it never works
but you won't stop trying and you want
your veins to run hollow and to bleed yourself dry
because you feel like an empty shell
the only thing inhabiting you is
the harsh voices
but they are
unwanted and they are bad news
and you don't know if you should stand up or not
or if that will increase blood flow because you will fall over
and see white dots like
fairy kisses in your eyes and on your skin and God won't
accept you to heaven because you've been told
killing yourself is a sin
but is hell really that bad because you already feel you are there
when really your heart is still beating and your
brain is still thinking
and your arms are still bleeding and you're still shouting
at everything to
please
be quiet just for a moment
to get everything straight

but you're not allowed to leave so you're staying on Earth
and you're so used to the voices you often get mixed up
which ones are real and which ones are in my head?
a very common and almost daily question you ask
yourself and sometimes others without realising

and what is it about depression being beautiful so maybe
one more tear and one more cut will make people like you
and boys and girls are not just going to be able to fix you just by
holding the key to your heart so stop thinking
the reason you're sad is because you're used or single because
people in relationships are just as sad as you and you are still bleeding and your
heart is still beating and maybe
sweetheart it wouldn't hurt to
sit down.
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
I've stayed in a lot of houses in my life, none of which I ever intended to stay for long.
Most of them open easily - there are no locks
just welcoming hosts, always with that same perfidious smile on their face.
They expect me to fall at their feet but they don't know yet that
I am the drug and they are the addict and when they whip up a whirlwind to drag me in I show them how much of a ******* hurricane I really am.
You see, I jump door to door
because my own house is haunted.
maybe once it was a home, but it is now unrecognisable.
All with locks and the windows are sealed shut, it's filled from basement to attic with ghosts who are mourning their losses and grudging their mistakes.

I don't know whether I'm locked in or locked out, and I can't tell you which is worse.
Lavina Akari May 2017
i can only find the open palms of my demons in that red mist, the ones that once held my face in a much harsher way than you do now. your calloused hands feel like heaven instead of the hell that slept in the creases of their fingerprints. sometimes i fall too close and i see their blackened eyes that replay childhood traumas that i have spent years repressing with self-destructive behaviours and alcohol. your own remind me of the rivers i could drown myself in but i must remind myself that diving in will only give me peace, not death, though it feels like death whenever they're not in my sight. sometimes i think about hurting myself again but then i remember the claws of those monsters and how they can't compare to your nails tickling at my back in the late of the night where theirs would be cutting me open. i don't ever want to be in their grip again. never again. never.
Lavina Akari Jul 2014
i want to hold my hands in your hair forever
because i feel that they would be
safest there
and i want to stare into your eyes forever and read them
let me study you and breathe you in  

let me kiss your pain away
and make you laugh because darling your laugh
echoes off the walls of this empty house and for that moment
i find so much peace

tell me everything you are passionate about
the things you hate and what makes your eyes sparkle
like they do and when they flicker briefly with excitement i
want you to grab my hand and spin me around

you are this faint ray of sunshine on the
cloudiest and greyest of days
i will cherish you even after i die
Lavina Akari Jul 2013
in the corner she sits
calls but no one looks up

just like a lost toy - replaced
as if she were never really there

into the ground she sinks
maybe she'll return again
when everyone else has left
and someone needs to reach out
and aren't ignorant enough to ignore her
Lavina Akari Jul 2013
i never knew what it felt to have a heart until i met you, and i realised it was the best thing in the world to have
i finally knew what it meant to feel invincible

but when you left
i realised a heart was the worst thing in the world to have
i finally knew what it meant to hurt and i could not convince myself
that my heart was not broken

and now i have realised that
the best way to keep your heart from being broken
is to pretend you do not have one
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
are you strong-willed?
                     nothing can break me
                     i'm already broken
did i hurt you?
                      no one can hurt me
                      you're going to
did someone hurt you?
                       no one can hurt me.
                       he ripped my heart out and i
                       still haven't found it
are you scared?
                       fearless
                       terrified
how did you wait for me for so long?
                       patience is a virtue, my friend
                       i've been on my knees for years
can you handle it?
                        i'm ready.
                       i'm so scared
your eyes lack life
                        i'm complete
                       please don't look at me
are you happy?
                         i'm at peace
                        never
do you want me to stop?
                          maybe
                         please
why won't you let me in?
                          i'm not a stranger
                         it hurts
                         please it hurts
                         stay away, please go away
                         *please make it stop
Lavina Akari May 2017
i'm glad you are safe with me. even if you are not loving in my arms,
even if you are not kissing my lips.
alcohol is meant to make others seem more attractive but
it physically isn't possible to make you more beautiful than you already are so you stay the same and whilst everyone
around me gets prettier you are still the most heavenly body i could ever lay my eyes on.

there's nothing that could ever
make me look away again.
i don't know why i ever did.

everyone and everything
in the world
is eclipsed by you.

oh, it is eclipsed by your beauty.
Lavina Akari Aug 2013
don't leave me

I'm too late
Lavina Akari Aug 2014
i couldn't love myself
i used it all up on you
Lavina Akari Jul 2013
with a heart
as sensitive as yours
you can never be too safe

as gentle as a butterfly
and as fragile as a flower

i kiss your cheek
as if i am kissing the soft spot
on a newborn baby's head

and blessed is the woman
to touch you as if you are made of glass

i wanted to stay
but you didn't want the same

so i ripped the wings off the butterflies
and tore the flower petals off one by one
and i dropped your heart from my window
so it shattered into a million pieces

and i hope you felt every bit of it
Lavina Akari May 2016
I JUST WANT TO STAND AT THE EDGE
OF A CLIFF I WANT TO SCREAM
"LOVE ME BACK FOR ONCE"
I WANT YOU TO HEAR ME.
LOVE ME BACK.
******* LOVE ME BACK
Lavina Akari Jul 2013
the sea is fierce and cannot control his anger. he is verocious, but he is beautiful
when the sea is calm and quiet and needs no one
people surround him
everyone wants to see his beauty, feel it, breathe it

but when the sea becomes sad - angry, maybe
and needs to be calmed because his own God has abandoned him
where is everyone?
no one comes near him, he is not beautiful anymore

people have yet to reach the depths of the sea
and pull out the mystery hidden deep within him. people do not yet know how to find the dark secrets at the bottom of his mind

                                    I am the sea.
Lavina Akari Apr 2014
count cuts
  count pills
   count tears
      count blades
        count frowns
         count calories
            count memories
               count blood drops

          count your blessings
         count memories        
        count recovery
       count smiles
      count meals
     count days
    count yes'
   count us
Lavina Akari Jul 2013
sometimes
I would pass you in the hall
and we'd still be oceans apart

I can hear rain outside right now
its strong and it is drowning my thoughts
does that mean you're close?
or am I just wishing
Lavina Akari Apr 2016
you were the sun, burning brightly, beautifully. I was the moon, dark and alone, following my Earth wherever she went.
You faced me and I shined.
The moon cannot shine without the sun, and I will never feel as light and pure without you here
Lavina Akari Apr 2014
no more blood and not much tears
but I must admit I still have fears

but, in some way, I feel its ending
everything.
is all mending.

all scars are coming to an end
my heart is surely on the mend

my lungs are still tainted
my mind is still too
my arms are still painted
with memories in blue

but my favourite part, I love this, I do
is when I close my eyes,
and I never see you
Lavina Akari May 2014
i don't know who i am


I am both the strongest and the weakest person
I don't care enough and i care too much
I am both confident and insecure
I am alive and I'm also dead
I dont want anyone and I need attention
I am rain and I am sunshine


I am nothing and I am everything
Lavina Akari Nov 2013
you smiled at me,
buried yourself in me,

I thought I knew you
ran my fingers through your hair
and breathed you in


you buried yourself in me
dug yourself under my skin

you're in my veins

burning through me like fire -
pain, but not the good kind,

I tried to like it, but it wasn't working

you vanished from my sight but
I still felt you burning through me.
heating my heart and my fingertips
in all the wrong ways


I tried to expel you - bleed you out
I cut myself open and
crimson rivers ran over my skin
yet you wouldn't leave
you are still in my veins
I have not known pain like this


I am getting there, my sweet fire
I can bleed for you in a bath
I can try to water you down.
Lavina Akari Jun 2016
am i alive?
how can i be sure?
i can't feel the earth around me oh god i feel like i'm floating like i'm flying and i can't feel anything around me
pretty sure my heart is beating but i'm going to claw at my chest to try and open my ribs and let my lungs breathe so i know i'm alive
i'm pretty sure i'm real but i'm going to cut myself until i need to go to hospital to double check because
maybe i won't bleed maybe i'm dead i wish i was dead oh how i ******* wish i was dead
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