why is it that
the people who say they
love me
are the ones who are always
constantly hurting me

and

why is it that
the people who say they
hate me
just stay far away
so they cause no harm

i am sacred, i am a ******* temple and no one is allowed inside of me.
you are not allowed inside of me, be it between my legs or inside my brain. the last time you were inside me you forced poetry down my throat and we fell asleep but when i woke up in the morning choking you were nowhere to be found. you had fled and left me to drown in your lies. my walls are crumbling and i am inside re-plastering my skull and i do not appreciate your nose knocking down my hard work. when i ask for silence i do not expect noise, white noise like flies buzzing around inside my brain driving me insane. i just want silence. when i ask for love i do not expect to be handed a shrivelled and frozen heart and i did not say you could rip my beating pump from my chest. i did not want us to swap so you could go and love someone else and i was stuck with no emotions, incapable to feel anything. i did not ask to turn blue. when i told you to **** me i meant **** me, not with me. my head is not an orifice for you to stuff your ******* and false hope into. my head is a ******* galaxy filled and flooded with ideas and beauty and it is pristine and i do not appreciate your ***** fingerprints spoiling what i have spent years creating. i am sacred, if you are not chosen you are not allowed to enter and i expect you to take no for an answer, especially if i have repeated it four times. you do not have my permission to shove your anything into my anywhere because i am perfect and you are nothing and you will not make me feel like it is the other way around. you are supposed to look with your eyes, not your hands and you are to admire and not criticise because you know nothing of art. i am art.

I want to die
I want to die small

I want to lie in my coffin
scars and bones

I want to be so skeletal that it doesnt matter if you dig me up

1 week
or
20 years

after i am buried because i will look exactly the same

i want to die this disgusting fairy
riddled with bad breath and osteoporosis

frozen like a gargoyle from pain
hairless and toothless

she found a spot in her heart
where withered plants still fought to survive
the rest of her heart was dirt
soft, but dry


when he met her
he kissed her chest
and with each kiss he planted a seed
so she could grow to love herself


he nurtured them well
and the withered plants survived
and he opened the door to her heart
and let in rays of light

i stole the constellations
from the inky sky and spent hours
stitching them into my snow white flesh.
i dazzle and shine but now the heavens
are darker than my thoughts and
the unilluminated sky cries to me
woeful of their loss.

the moon, you see, she's so alone,
and it grieves her to think of her children
so far from home.

these diamonds look beautiful on me
but they cannot tell their story when they are
trapped underneath the itching sleeves of my sweater.

it started early 2012 in the late afternoon
some girl told him she liked him he said 'i love you too'
i opened cutlery drawers trying to find a knife
and i spent the whole night wanting to end my life.
this went on for some months and then i lost my appetite
i couldnt stop the voices, what im thinking wasn't right.

but, two years on here i stand
wounds all healed but they still hurt, oh man...

you see there's some strength i found
think it belonged to someone else
i sat and drank it on my own
watching all the other girls
i felt it coursing through my veins but
everything, it felt the same
this numbness in the pain - i'm so tired of this game

but, two years on here i stand,
i'm still not 6 feet in the ground
my head it hurts but earlier on i found these great pills

you see i met this girl sometime you see her head it was a mess
and her body, so so small, it weighed a lot less
than my leg, my anything but she isn't here anymore
i'll read her little note, i've read it 16 times before

'simple things might be a chore, like breathing, showering and feeding,
but i simply don't have energy, and right now, i am bleeding.
depression comes with a knife but all i have is this spoon'
then she looked into the sky and whispered 'nana, i'll see you soon'

not much later mother walked in and there, she was found
and now she's sleeping happily, deep under the ground

this isn't right, for anyone
she should be out having fun
smiling, spinning in the sun
but, i guess, life isn't for everyone

i think im lucky, think God loves me
cause i thought that i would die,
told myself i wasn't worth it but that was a ******* lie

because three years on, here i stand
i love myself, i love me cause i can
i think you should love yourself too
with your pretty little eyes the shades of blue
your hands are shaking, mine are too
but please, hold on i promise you, that i will hold you,
help you as much as i can. but its a one-man battle and i can only pick up pieces
i need to call someone for help, God i hope someone can reach us

weird thinking of sweet 16 me, far away from our meeting yet still dreaming of you
imagining how safe i’ll one day be in your bed, our bed. trying to guess your eye colour and gender. lying in the dark of the night laying on your chest, humming along to your heartbeat whilst you dream next to me. retracing the same lines on your skin a thousand times over. in the dark of the night fumbling through our love.

21st May

Lying down in fields of flowers whilst the warm Spring sun beats down on me and
warms my skin as if it were
a hug, a kiss, maybe.

The air in my chest is so light and cleans out the dirt left in my lungs from
inhaling false love from those before.
Fresh as a little daisy, a new bud that has blossomed with life and burst at the seams with happiness, elated to be here on Earth.
Alone, but never lonely.

May's rain does not wet me, but wash me, rinses off the past and it soaks into the ground for the flowers to drink.
the thirst for love is over
now that the sun has come.

I am blue and stuck inside a solid crystal of ice and
you are the fire here to thaw me out and melt away my sadness
as light bleeds through my curtains and I
bleed through my bandages
I will feel the warmth from you covering my stone cold wounds
and fusing them back together as if
the sunbeams radiating from your smile act like stitches healing my tired and broken flesh
my chest was once a hollow and frozen cage and  it is now burning
as if you relit my heart and my
veins which were once nothing but icicles have flames and electricity surging through them
one day I will stop seeing red and start seeing gold and I hope over time blue will become your favourite colour

I feel quite like I was the soulmate
before you met your soulmate.

I was the one who opened your eyes,
I was the one who watered you in hopes you’d flourish.

When damp, just as you sprouted you spat soil in my face and fled, and somewhere along your runaway you met her.
There she was: the sunlight.
                                you blossomed.


I wish I were the one, I wish I was both, but I wasn’t and I won’t be and that’s okay.
We weren’t meant to make it, you two were. and that’s okay

23rd April

She is a snowball in the ebony coloured sky and I am so in love with her.
Her full face comes into my view tonight and I watch her, sitting peacefully in the cold, surrounded by diamonds who are glittering in the dark.

There's always something I've found tragic about her expression, like an old lover broke her long ago and now she is an empty case. Sometimes I wonder if I could fix her, though she is only my imagination, my friend when I am alone.
I feel her endlessly, so deeply and intensely.
I am hers and she is mine, and no being may come between that love.

The stars hang around her, kissing the black, and I imagine them all dancing in the shades of midnight.
The way her light shines on me makes me feel so renewed, like i have just engaged in the most passionate of kisses.
But I am alone, and alone I will be, always.

Maybe this pain is permanent, I will learn to walk with this limp and leave my flesh unhealed.

I have a tendency to love things out of my reach.

22nd February

perfection.
order.
beauty.
the three things i crave.

ice white, snow white, matching your pale complexion
as you sit in the cold.
your blue fingertips resting on the pearl coloured blanket
that envelops the Earth,
drowning every noise that tries to come to the surface.

each snowflake beautifully carved and structured.
unique, pure, perfect
falling gently, willingly,
from the sky
to the ground.

the silence does its job so well that i fear
i may have lost my hearing yet inside
i am frantically thrashing and screaming.
i am watching the frost crawl across your skin, wrapping you
like bandages and taking you
home.

there is an ice shard in my chest piercing my heart.
one day i wish to be as peaceful as the snow

20th June

I have always been very curious
the world is so big and I am so small and
I see it as a good thing because then I have more adventures to go on.
This boundless energy is constantly swirling under my skin
and I often feel like I will take off and fly away.

We were sat in a strawberry field and the sun painted us in gold
and I felt like an angel
and you looked like an angel
and I felt like there was no need to see the beauties of the world anymore because you were the most beautiful thing on this planet.
We can travel this world together, even though I'll always stare at you.

18th August

You see me floating over the water, over your home at the lake bed.
Your eyes are closed but I know you can sense me in your slumber.

I’ll be honest with you, as I always am, I always was honest.
I just wanted to know.
I wanted to know why you ***** everything you come across.
Why does everything you touch fuse to you until it begins to rust and rot and fall apart?
Why do the plants you touch wither and die? What poison was scrubbed over your skin at birth that caused you to be the embodiment of misery and death and suffering?

I know you want to love. I can feel the wanting leaking out of you
like sunbeams. I know the warmth in your heart, but I know also
that it is chained and locked inside and your flesh likr frozen metal with poison spikes and anger that hurts like the plague.

I’m leaving in the morning; I’ll be back at night.
I’ll find a way to heal you
and you can give birth to life.

19th July

Saturns hexagon shaped storm stuffed into a human body.
I open my mouth and the black bellowing thunder
batters everyone in my way into the ground,
gailforce winds stealing their breath to make it mine.

Ferocious tidal waves live in my eyes and
leak from me and fill the room
but i'm already drowning.

My lungs are filled with ***** water and I feel it flooding my veins like poison.
I can feel the bolts of lightning glittering behind my eyes,
stunning those who try to look at me - into me.

I am a complete hurricane in a persons form, a never-ending storm,
a destructive monster crushing and
stomping on everything in the way.
A fusillade of iron bullets shoot from my skin.
I need to drag everyone down with me,
make them bleed with me.
Suffer with me.

January 24th

I have dragged my body through the first lunar cycle
on my hands and knees, pathetically crawling to my last days on Earth.
The illuminating moonlight bleeds through the clouds and covers the shell that I call a body like a blanket.

It's face is a wolf, prideful and strong and courageous
and I am so jealous of the power it has.

The silver light dazzles on my skin, warms me, clothes me
kisses every inch of me.
I feel its energy in my veins swimming in my blood as the wolf howls and its voice floods my ears
and I shine and everyone turns to admire my beauty.

The moon cannot shine without help from the sun,
and now I will shine upon them

23rd March

the Earths surface becomes softer as the moons full face comes into my view.
maybe it is easier to dig my own grave at this time of year, i feel like there are already maggots wriggling under my old flesh.

this is a time for balance, this is a time for new life. birds peak through the cracks in their eggshells and the fresh
daffodils bud and bloom and reach out to the bleeding sun and ask him to love them and the sun replies "i do love you, each and every one of you"
he brings me new days but they go so fast that i
find myself getting dizzy.
i want time to stand still so i can catch my breath.

new life surrounds us the day my heart stops beating and soon
the warm spring breeze will catch my corpse and blow it away

originally, I just wanted to *******. there
was something so appealing
about the thought of you,
on hands and knees,
completely at my mercy.
after a while, however, I found myself
on my own hands and knees, and it is not a position I have ever liked being in.
I got greedy, instead of asking
to *******, I'd ask to love you
and instead of imagining us tangled up together singing in vowels,
I'd listen to my own heartbeat
chanting love songs inside its cage.
Whatever poison you soaked your tongue in has ravaged my mind and replaced every important piece with your face
and now i can't even go to my favourite places or read my favourite poems,
without thinking of you.
I never knew how good I was at begging
until I was kneeling in front of my God pleading to let you stay in my life and telling him about how often I fantasise about
your lips crashing against mine.
this tastes like a new type of euphoria and it's one that requires no touch,
and oh how I hope it's eternal.

wounds will always heal but
a heart
is a hard thing to put back together

I am constantly told that I am loud

but I think everyone is wrong,
I can only make witty replies or
defend myself when insulted.


I cannot, however:

ask for help or
speak out


the voices clutch my windpipe
and I choke and struggle
But do not utter a word,
I can't scream to be cleansed of the
dark shadows inside of me

For who would listen?

I wonder what it is that I will love the most. Maybe it’s the way you say a certain word, or that one defining feature; your one crooked tooth when the rest are straight, or the fact your eyes cross every time you cough after a draw. Maybe it’s because your mouth tastes like rice milk and your hands smell like lavender, maybe it’s the way you hold me and keep me still when the entire world is spinning. Maybe it’s because you sing all the songs you know keep me calm, or maybe it’s the way your laugh seems to roll around in your mouth and then hit everyone in the room like it’s the bowling ball and we’re the pins. I wonder what you have been through. I wonder what walls you have hit in your life, and which of those you battered through and which you sat and waiting for the bricks to crumble and fall. I wonder what you will think about when we sit in silence, is it about me? Is it about the ocean, or our dinner?
I wonder about a lot of things to do with you, but I do not wonder, nor doubt that I will be uncontrollably and unfaltering-ly in love with you.

your life wasn't for this planet but
i thought when you left to return home
i'd at least get a final goodbye
you aren't on this world, but
you are my whole world.
where is that?