I am the sly fox
Sacred and misleading

My spirit,
You worship
A treasured diety

Beautiful, though I am
I am horrible within
Tread carefully
Treat me with care
Or ignore me, if you so dare

I am the sly fox
Colorful and cruel
Loyal, though I am
Don't ever take me for a fool

My spirit
Is in the air
I can hear you
Anywhere
Don't underestimate
A wild fox
That can't be tamed

We are born to destroy
For, destruction flows through
Our veins

Be ever wary
Stay alert
Keep your voices
Hushed and unheard
The sly fox
Is on the loose
And knows of no boundary

I get this feeling
Like I am an Asian
In a Polish body

And I yearn
To be more Asian

^.^

It's unfortunate
That you had to die
Even more so
Because it was me who
Had held the knife

******, you cried
******, so perfect
The way you screamed
When your stomach
Was exposed

Your heart was racing
In a fear unspoken
Your breathing was slim,
For your lungs would not open

Blood paints the walls
And I take a taste
Someday maybe I
Will share the same fate
Welcoming death's
Eternal embrace

I don't want to live
I'd rather slowly waste away
This life, it hurts
And I often wonder
If it's really worth the pain
I shut myself off from the world
And retreat into my mind
Sometimes, I feel the pain
Is the only thing keeping me alive

I want to die
I want to die more than anything
Because they don't call it
The easy way out
For nothing
Sometimes, I grow tired of being strong
And I want to climb to the highest cliff
And watch myself fall

I'm falling hard
And fading fast
And I don't want to make it out alive
I'm tired of walking blind
And shooting straight
I just wish my world would dissipate

So tired
of living
I could just
Die
So tired of waiting
For a good thing
When all I'm fed is
Lies
I will never taste
Happiness
The taste is bitter
On my tongue
So tired of neglect
Or the twisted words you said
So tired of the way you
Cry
When there's no more tears
To be shed
Nothing with you
Has ever made sense
And knowing that you
Will never repent
Makes me so tired
I could just
Sleep
Spend all of my life
Forever in my
Dreams

She was born
Some time in spring
On the year I graduated
I was still in school
When my parents split

My brother
Was off "playing solider"
As my dad would say
Doing things the army way
He didn't know
Until he got home
That my mom had left
She took me with

My mother
Made me keep
Our move a secret
I wanted to tell dad so bad
Wanted to warn him
Of the misfortune ahead
I didn't even want to leave
I was caught in the middle
of everything

My father
Tried to make things right
But my mom wouldn't have it
I was all alone in a new town
No friends
I felt as if I were stranded
Or cut off from everyone I loved

Then she came
Some time in spring
She stole my heart
Almost instantly
Something so pure
Was hope to me
A new baby kitten

I named her Azrael
After the angel of death
And she was an angel to me
Not long after, my aunt died
And she was all I had

Then The time came
To come back to my dad
I left my mom behind
My dad didn't like Azzie
But let her stay

I would love her
Brush her and sing to her
And she followed me
Everywhere I went
We were so close
Me and my angel

She grew Ill over time
Became so thin
And was losing hair
Living in a basement
Began to take its toll

My father told me
To take her outside
And find her a home
I couldn't keep her anymore

But the fresh air
Healed her
But she still has to go
I never want to part
With my angel
For, she never left me
When I cried for my aunt
She never left me
When I felt regret
She was all I had
After I'd lost everything
Now, to keep her,
I'd give anything

Pure
Like a rose, white
With no color

Innocent
Like a newborn child
Untainted, and certain

Until
the door was left
Wide open

Tears
Filled her eyes
As her life was filled with lies

Hurt
From others
Oh, how they'd deceived her

Afraid
Of living another day
For, she knew not
What tomorrow would bring

Until the day
She learned that

In order to survive
She had to become
What she feared the most

Deception
She soon became
A master of lies

Accustomed to
Being used and molested
By those she called "friends"

Tired
And neglected
She was no longer sheltered
From the world

Inside
She was still
That pure white rose

Knowing
That her actions
Were wrong

But still
That girl
Struggles to live
In a world so tainted
Deeply in sin

Kick me down
But I won't fall

**** my spirit
But I'll come back strong

I've been abused
So many times before
So what's another beating?

I've been pushed so far
That I can no longer break
I clench my teeth
And brace my self
For the pain
I push right through
With a smile on my face
Nobody even questions
If it looks out of place

I've become so well
At hiding my feelings
So well at making everyone
Believe in
the words I say
But, you see, I
Am a compulsive liar
One who will never falter
In her charade
Because to me
It's more than just a game
I'm a survivor
In a cruel world

Though
At times
I'm not sure why...
I'm sure there is a reason

I lie in bed
Awake last night
Imagining the day
I watched my friend burn alive

I asked myself
Why did I have to be there?
Why did his dad knock on MY door?
Couldn't it have been someone else?
Because those images are something
I cannot erase

Did seeing this
Make me stronger?
Was it meant to make me wise?
Or perhaps the only reason
Was to teach me to treasure life

It's been three months
Sense that day
And the images, I thought
Would go away
But still I lie awake at night
Thinking of it all
And it drives me insane

The way your brother lay
Your burnt body upon the driveway
And you gasped desperately for clean air
When the sirens were closing in
The old woman pulled me away
Into a hug
And asked me if I knew the boy
I said yes. Sense preschool
She said I shouldn't see this

Why did I have to see it?

To the firefighters, I was a witness
I had to give them everything I knew

They offered me trauma counseling
As to undo what had been done
But he died two days later
And I'd give anything to take that back

I couldn't save him
I only tried to help
Why did i have to be the one
To put the burden upon myself?

We never talked a day in our lives
But his life seemed to precious to me

When it came down to it,
I did my best to be there
When I should have let them be

Why must I be plagued with this memories?

Death will never stop
The love between you and I
For the feelings that we share
Are strong enough to withstand
the hands of time

All my life
I've searched for you
Searched for someone who
Would always love me
Always treat me the way I wanted
You are more than I'd ever dreamed
You are everything to me

Death could never
Break apart this bond that we hold
We're joined at the hip
We are of one accord
Mind
Heart
Body
Soul
You are the one
Who I've been thirsting for

Follow me to death
And you shall see
I was waiting for you
And you were waiting for me

So sick
of being unheard
You're my father
You're supposed to protect
Your daughter
But you let this creep
Lie in my bed

He's probably
Feeling great pleasure
Having my delicates
At his leisure
Yep, I'm kind of mad

But he's my brothers
Best friend
So then why
Won't they protect me?
He had a bad habit
of staring at me
For hours on end
While I sit there and I pretend
I don't see him

I'm your daughter
I'm your little sister
So do I mean nothing to you?
It wouldn't be the first time
That someone's forced
Themselves on me
Making me hate myself
for existing

He told me he loves me
Told me he gives himself pleasure
Who says that to a girls face??
And yet my father
My brother
Don't do one **** thing

Life can be hard, son
And before you know it
You wind up in the dirt

Beaten so hard
That you lose hope
But believe me when I say:
You've got to learn to cope

Your body, weak and worn
Your spirit, shaken and torn
You wonder
If you have the strength to stand

Will you be brave enough to fight again?

Get up off the floor
Dust off your knees and
Settle the score
Cause you don't win in life
By lying on your back
No, you don't win in life
When you cower in the sand

You can only conquer
The trials that are laid before you

Even if you can only muster
Up enough strength to get through today
Remember, this problem is only a grain of sand.
There will be more problems that come

Don't let it drag you down

Sometimes
I wish my parents
Had never separated

Eventhough
I know they are better off
Without eachother...
I never see my mom
Because part of me
Can't stop being mad
About the way that she
Abandoned dad and took me away

This pain
Took over a year
To find its place
Inside of me

I want to hear mom's
Beautiful voice
Lull me to sleep
Singing "Baby Mine"
As she did when I was a child
And trace her finger
Over the bridge of my nose
As tears fell from my eyes
She was a comfort to me

I want my mom
To be here to help me
Through college
Because I'm in it alone

I want her by my side
The motherly way
She was before
That's the version of her
That I ache for

But sometimes, I fear
That side of her is gone
She may never be
Who I once thought she was

I don't know
Where you are
But I feel your eyes
Studying me intensely

I've seen you once
From the window of the church
In a black, hooded robe
You held a white candle
That burned so ominously
As the was dripped onto
the palm of your hands
You had a small, twisted smile
But the shadows cast out your image
That was the day
I knew I was finished

I've seen you twice
Backing my car
From the driveway
In my rear view mirror

Three times
From acrossed
The street

Each time
You grew closer
And closer
To getting me

On the fourth
You were in my yard
As I came home from work

And the fifth
Was the final straw
When, from my bedroom door,
Stretched your long fingers
Long nails
Bony yet frail
But somehow threatening
Down to the soul

"Don't come any closer"
She begged
Before it swallowed her whole

The feeling of loss
Lingers for a lifetime
The sensation may fade
But as the tide, it shall fluxuate
Pulsating within my core
Reminding me of a pain
I've already felt before
I neglect the thought of you
To press through my day
But something about you
Will never go away
The feeling of loss
Has a bitter hold on my soul
This time, I don't think
It will ever let me go

What could they do?
What would they say?
I have scars all over
My blemished flesh
Would they shun me?
For being more in tune to my suffering
Would they send me away?
Shove a pill past my lips
And tell me I'm okay

I just want to feel hope again
Want to be washed clean
Of these physical scars
That have caged me
I want to let go of this
These feelings that I get
More than anything, I'd rather
Die than just pretend

I want to go home
It's a strong urge I cannot shake
But I'm sitting in my bedroom
So tell me, if this isn't home
Then what is??
Would I rather lie inside my grave?
Would I decide to wake up
and live just another day?

Could you fill my heart with hope
Instead of this sorrow that
I've come to know too well?
They can wash the blood off of my hands
But the stains on my soul
Could be never cleansed

They could try for a thousand years
To try to convince me
That this is all worth the tears
But the fact of the matter is
Nothing could ever change
Because upon my soul
Is one large black stain

BUT THE STAINS ON MY SOUL
COULD NEVER BE CLEANSED

AND THE STAINS ON MY SOUL
WILL NEVER BE REPENT

NO, THE STAINS ON MY SOUL
WILL NEVER BE CLEANSED

Tongue tied
And butterflies

Twisted words
And hateful lies
Can all mean the same thing
If there is nothing
Behind the words

Tongue tied
You are afraid to speak
Fearing that she might
Possibly reject you

Butterflies
Fill your chest
Everytime you're near her
So you give her your very best

Twisted words
Have got your mind
Racing to understand
Their meaning

Hateful lies
Decrypt the way
She feels for you
Deep down inside

I never understood
Why everyone tends to walk out on me
Of all life's lessons to teach
Why was this one so common?

My mom left the family
And took me away, without asking me if I would rather stay
My brother joined the army, we only spoke through letters
My father was alone with his heartbreak and I could not console him
My best friend went off to college and I couldn't join her because I didn't have the money to make my life better
My beloved aunt passed away, almost unexpectedly. I never had a chance to say goodbye. To tell her I loved her one last time
The tragedy struck
I've seen God take a life in front of my own eyes. A horrid accident that you only see in movies. A boy I grew up with and had known nearly my entire life.
A first love, torn from my arms and was forbade to see. This separation was equivalent to him dying to me
My dear friend moved away and became ill,  he was such a cheerful boy and died so very young.

All I am making is a point, you see
Of all life's lessons to teach
Why teach this one to me?
It's cruel and unfair
These things mess you up inside
After all the torture and torment
I began to lose my mind

Life, above all things
Taught me how to shut down
But the most important lesson it taught me:

Life taught me to be lonely

There are so many things
So many reasons
Why I should care
About life
About people
Things that I can't learn to care about

I am a shut in
Alone and dry
But I never lonely
For my shadow
Holds me in the night
My reflection
Gives me conversation
I am my own source
Of entertainment

So many times
I've tried to reach out
Tried to be social
Tried to change my
Very way of thinking

But the darkness
As it lulls me to sleep
It ***** me in
Where I will forever be

Every now and again
I wonder
Why a part of me Still cares

When every hit and every
Burn
Leaves me numb beyond compare

You've  never loved me
You never will
And yet I'm longing for you still

It doesn't make sense
These thoughts in my head
I just wish they'd go away

I don't want to care
I don't want to feel
Feel as if maybe my dreams
Could be real

I don't want to hope
I don't want to pretend
That maybe this love isn't
In my head

You're so distant
You make me feel
So distant
And I can't stand it

I wish you would just leave
And never hurt me again
Deep down I wish you could be
Something like a friend

My mind runs in circles
Thinking of all the good and bad
In my life, currently
And in the past

I miss my aunt
My heart aches for her
And I wish she could be here
To see my wedding, because
I know she is probably in heaven
Wishing she could be here with me
And tell Jared how handsome he is
And how great we look together
The things
She used to say

I worry about money
Now more than ever
Getting a house for the first time
And paying for a wedding
All at once is overwhelming
But I know it will be worth it in the end

I stress right now
About almost everything
Which is odd, because normally
I never stress at all

But my baby cousin
Who is barely a month old
Is now in the hospital
And his mom doesn't think
he is going to make it
His big sister is going to be
Devastated

The lack of support
That I have from getting married
Is nauseating
Why can't people let us be happy?
Instead of stressing us out...

There are just so many things
Running through my mind
So many things
And I'm not sure why

The streetlights
Illuminate
the night with colors
That words cannot
Relate

The darkness has
Consumed
The sunlight that's
Refused
To ever shine again
And now we're trapped
in the darkness within

The demons, they are
Lurking
Searching for the blood
That they are thirsting

As the night
Swallows us whole
A black void
That devours
Our souls

The chamber of torture

Wooden tables and knives

Surgical equipment
Used to cut open eyes

Pools of blood gushing
To the floor

I'm not sure if I can take much more

The chamber of torture
Is swallowing me

The voices in my head
Keep haunting me

What is that for?
To pull out your teeth

The chamber of torture
Is inside of me

Now it's time
For you to rest
Close your eyes
Release your breath
I wasn't there

I wish I was there
To see your last moments
To see you breathe air

Slip away
Into an eternal embrace
Bask in the spiritual sense you've gained
Now you will never again
Feel pain

I just wish I was there
To watch you leave this plane
I couldn't be there
To say goodbye
As you passed away
Off into another life

I never got to say goodbye
I will never get to see you
One last time

You smile was warm,
Like June
You're eyes were so beautiful
Like an ocean, blue

Illness struck you
Like a plague
The doctors had no answers
To make it go away
There was no cure
No way to keep you
Upon this earth

Your lungs were like stone
But your heart, pure
I can never find a way
To separate
Myself from these thoughts of you
The warm feeling of June
And your voice as a melody
As you would sing to me

I want you back
That feeling of June
I want it all back
But it's too late

Every one's around me
And my world is quickly fading

I'm on front stage
But in the background
As the music starts to clash
I don't understand
I can't figure out why
The melodies collide
In such an ugly way

Despite each chord or note I try
It all just seems wrong

So I looked out to the empty seats
There couldn't have been but ten people
They didn't seem to notice
That my life was clashing into my existence and they were like mindless puppets, just singing along

The piano holds its key
And it's just me
Its just me who ruined the melody
It's so simple to me
This should come so easily
Although I tried and tried to make things right, I couldn't figure out what's wrong inside of me
I've become my worst enemy

And when they asked me to sing
I was off in my own world
Everyone could hear the sound
Of a broken guitar
So that's when I stopped playing and let my voice take control
Their eyes were filled with wonder
As they touched a piece of my soul

It's so curious to me
Did I let them down?
It should have been obvious to me
But I just couldn't figure it out
So am I wrong?
Am I wrong?
Am I just asking to fall?

What comes easiest to me
Can feel like something like a dream




All that I've worked towards
To all that I aimed for
It all means nothing in the end

Did I lose focus?
Or did I stumble?
It means nothing in the end at all to me


My passion
My worry
My reason to give
Who I am upon a shining billboard
It's So easy for them to see
My reason
My talent
To see me fall after coming so far
I've made it so far
But it's only just a dream

How many times
Can one heart break?

How many years
Will pass to make
The pain go away?

Where there is love
There is loss
Even if the love
Is not the cause

My heart breaks

It breaks

For you

My very soul

Aches

For you

But somewhere, I know
I will never see you again
So why am I still
Waiting for you to come in?

Death is hard
For all who are near
It's like a blast
That sends ripples through the earth
Striking shock into the hearts
Of all that it hurt

So we lie upon the ash
With tears in our eyes
As our hearts yearn
To see you one more time

We will never stand
We will never rise from the ashes
We will resurrect
And carry the lashes
Like an open wound
Will some day fade
A hidden scar
Will fall in its place

Death strikes a wound
So deep
It touches both the heart an soul

It can never truly heal
But we eventually learn to cope

Good bye for now
But just know
I'll see you smile again
Some day
I'll see you once again
My friend

I've never wanted
To die
So badly
In my stupid life
Things could go wrong
Or maybe even
Fine
But it doesn't
Change the urge I feel inside

I want to
Take that step
To explore with the dead
With no feelings
No regrets
I want to end
This toxic existence
I live

I am the enemy
This time
For once, not the victim
The antagonist
In the tragic tale
That ends in blood
Staining the walls
The floors
Everything

More than anything
I want to go out
In colors
Of passionate red
As my life
Flows from my veins
I'll only be glad
I'm ending your pain

A little lie
A little word
And you're put under my spell
You never knew
You never even doubted
That I was telling the truth
You should have known
You didn't even try
You took my words
And believed them every time
I held you in my arms
Until my heart became cold
You never even second guessed
You didn't even try
And came running back to me
Each time my hands reached
To you again
You poor thing
How you must despair
Being thrown around in circles
How aweful you must feel
Being stomped into the earth
Tell me, how does it feel
To be infused into dirt?
I can hear you weeping
From the corners
I can feel you reaching
Towards the pain
So addicting
You can't get enough of me
You must be starving
As I give you nothing but remnants
Nothing but a piece of me
As you hunger for more
I will become your destruction
As you feed off my addiction
It must be so lonely
Always being barely within
Arm's reach
Falling so hard; so fast
Do you really think I would take your hand?

I'm done
I give up
Whatever happens
Happens
And it's tough

Let nature
Take its course
With me
Let life
Have its way
With me

If I fall
I fall
I will not
Get up

I'll crawl
Inside the dirt
Because that is my
Self worth

I'll ignore
My ailments
And let them
Catch up to me
As nature
And life
Take their toll
On me

My body
My flesh
Will decay
And turn
To dust
And I'll just
Sit there
and rust
Because I've been pushed
Across my line
The line on if I choose
Between death and life
The thing that makes me know
Wrong from right

I'll throw it all away
In time
Like a game,
I will wait
for it to catch up
To me

And when it does
I'll greet fate
With a grin
And let it take
My soul and sin

I'd give anything
To smile again
To see happiness
Within myself
Instead of a painted grin

There was a time
Long ago
When things seemed right
And I didn't have
To fight every waking moment
To stay alive

Now, I'm stuck here
Wondering why
While the world
Feeds off of my lies

They never question
The words I say
They never care
To see my pain

So I go through life
Wearing my painted grin
Hiding so many secrets
Behind a life of sin

A thought
Crossed my mind today
And was nearly
Transferred to action
As I nearly cut my arm
Wide open
To end my sad existence
Once and for all

So many reasons
I have not to care anymore
So many twists and turns
I've endured
And all this time
All this pain
Has remained enclosed within me

I have no drive
Anymore
No reason to survive
Anymore
And even more than that
I don't feel alive
Anymore
Therefore, if there is a point
To life
I'm not seeing it

Not like I used to

And my hopes are washing away
Flooding so quickly
Down the drain
And my blood falls
And leaves a stain
I become but a portrait
Left in your brain

There is nothing left of me
I have no right
No reason to breathe

And although I'm gone
I still believe
That maybe there is still
Something left of me

I'm tired of being
Treated low
I'm tired of the verbal blows
I'm tired of running away
And I'm am especially tired
of living this way

The weight of the world
Like gravity
It works against me
As does everything

It's hard to believe
That I can still breathe
With this pressing
Against my chest

I want to be weightless
In a world
Free of everything
That controls me
And presses me
Back down to earth

I want to live
In a world
Free of worry
Free of burdens

But nothing is free
Nor guaranteed
As usual
It weighs on me
Like gravity

Addiction
Has many faces:
Drugs
Alcohol
***
Food

All of these things
Are so hard to lose
But the one that I
Can't seem to set aside,
It is written on my skin
No place for it to hide
Any time I use it, I abuse it
Anything I can get my Hands on
Is good enough for me
A knife
A needle
A safety pin
A box cutter
Something
Anything
To break open my skin
So when it heals, upon my arms
Is an inescapable sin
Will I ever be whole again?
The pain I feel is so addicting,
I won't pretend

It's not that I am sad
I just want to bleed
I am not depressed
For, I don't feel anything
I just want to hurt
Or learn what connective tissue
Looks like when it's stained red
I don't want anybody
To try to fix me
I'm already dead