When we were young
And the snow fell down
Is when we would play
Even if we were too old
And we'd cause a lot of mischief
Because that's what we did
And we'd laugh the night away
Within winter's embrace
And we shared our first kiss
As our hearts floated away
And said that our love
Would never fade

As we got older
And the snow rained down
Is when we would worry
If we could travel in safety
But we had bills to pay
So we'd venture out anyways
And he bought me a ring
Got down on one knee
In the beauty of the world
And asked me to be
Forever his to hold
Forever his to keep

Together we grew old
On that day
The snow fell like ashes
And the cold brought me pain
As we laid him in a coffin
On a cold December day
I knew my life would never be the same
Still, I wished for the time
When the snow was falling
And you were still mine
When we used to laugh
And we used to play
And kiss and love
And dream of our future
But now he's gone
And my future is dead
So now I'll lie frozen
Numb in my bed

I'm sorry you're upset with me
And feel like you need to be
But how much I care, honestly,
Is fading without reasoning

I tried so hard to do my best
But wound up creating a large mess
And now I have this pain in my chest
Because I left you in distress

You love to take things out on me
Always your target, don't you see?
You always try to make me cry
Knock me down on my knees,
But I never bleed

"Sometimes in life
You've got to be selfish...
Otherwise, you suffer"
I guess my words
Never sunk into your thick skull
And now we're both the selfish ones
And I've got words that shoot like guns

I guess the reason
I'm truly upset
Is not that I feel bad
But rather
That you make me feel bad
And feelings are things that I can't stand

I'll say this now, my words,
Forever, hold them tight
Tonight I'm leaving, and nothing can change my mind
Goodbye for now
Goodbye forever
If you're acting this way,
I'll see you never

It's critical
To think carefully

You never know
When you might mess up
What you'll lose
Or the price you'll pay

Think hard
About consequence

Is it worth what I said?
Is it worth who I'll miss?
We always have a choice
It's what makes us human

We choose to smoke
Choose to cheat
Choose to hear those words
On repeat

We choose to love
Choose to care
Choose to wish we were
Never even there

Critical thinking
Is vital to living

Otherwise
We'll regret
All the care we weren't giving

Can you see a future
Dawning in the horizon?
The birds are singing
To the melody in their hearts
While the Earth basks
In the sound

Can you feel it?
Can you feel my heart beat
Pitter?
It makes me feel so alive
And I see
The silver lining
It's so close
Almost in reach

This isn't me
But I don't know where else
I'd rather be
And I'm tired of believing
That nothing becomes of a dreamer
When nothing comes from doubt
It comes from faith, believing in myself

Out here it's dark~ open my eyes
When I look up to the midnight sky
It's so beautiful
That it takes my breath away
It's so beautiful
How the rarest of things
Break the shadows
Throughout galaxies
So far away from where we are
But still their beauty shines
To cast away the dark

And that's what it's like to dream
Its never giving up
Or letting go
I'm not letting go~

Can you feel it?

Can you feel it?

Can you feel my heart beat
Pitter?
It makes me feel so alive
And I see
The silver lining
It's so close
Almost in reach

It's my dreams...

Tell me now
How I'm supposed to feel

After all the numbing trauma
My mind can only try to heal

Show me how
I can learn to care

You tie me down,
I'll only offer you a blank stare

Nothing is real
I feel nonexistent

Something about the way
My lies flow past my lips
Makes me feel so distant

Charismatic, though I am
You cannot see past the depths
Of this mask

Twisted, I wish to feast on blood
Persistent in the way I just can't have enough

No one will ever see past the wall that I have built. No one will ever know that behind my actions is a lack of guilt

No remorse for the broken
No real laughs will leave my lungs
This is what it's like when
Pretending is never enough

Forget me
And who I ever was

Forget the
Tears I've shed
And the blessings I'd give

Forget my existence
As I become one with the wind
Never to be seen
Rarely am I heard
But I am still here, as real as before

Forget my memory
And the baggage it brings

Forget the hardships and
All the pain unseen

Just let me waste away
Floating out to sea
Let it be the last time
You'll ever think of me

It all just seems so utterly hopeless. I try to become happy; I try to be strong, but its getting harder just to live on.

Its not a death sentence, manifested in my mind. But a lack of faith in my future.

The right thing to do is always the hardest. I've lived by these words my entire life and it kept me strong enough to carry the world on my shoulders.

But it seems that my body is caving in and I am slowly losing my right to live. I thought I was passed being depressed. I'm not a kid anymore. I should be able to conquer the world with a pain in my chest and a smile on my face.

Now I know what it is like to feel erased from the face of existance, yet watching my life carry on as if i am a ghost. Trying to see the life i would have lived as if i were still alive.

They tell me
"You must be traumatized, honey"
"Are you sure you're okay?"
After what I've seen, most people
Go insane

Yet here I am
Living life normally
And I only feel bad
Because I'm feeling nothing

"You must be traumatized, honey"
Well, should I be?
After the burning bodies I've seen

"Are you sure you're okay?"
Why would I not be?
I'm just going through life
So casually

"You should seek help"
Who could even help?
"You're too young, those memories will ruin your mind and destroy your life"
But I'm doing just fine

I don't understand
I can't comprehend
Why everyone thinks
I should be so upset

It could have been me
It wasn't
And I'm glad

My heart aches
For his death
Not for seeing him die

I have no self pity
I have no problems
I'm letting go of
The things that should cause them

Corey is gone
He's not coming back
I know that he is dead

Somewhere

Deep

      Deep

Down

But I can't accept it yet
But I do accept what happened
And I don't let myself cry
Because my tears need not be shed
Because the pain, it wasn't mine

I think I
Am doing fine
After all the ****
I've done

I will stand above
My mistakes
My past
Those I miss
To conquer the
Despair within

I think I
Am satisfied
Relying on me
Myself
And I

Because who better
Is there to trust,
Than myself?
Especially when
I have no one else

I think I
Am doing fine
Going through the motions
I try to live my life

Looking back,
I'm still alive
Even after all the times
I almost took my life

I am doing fine
And, sure as hell
I'll make it out alive

I will not
Roll over and die
And I'm tired
Of being a burden

Before
I was concerned
About my safety
Concerned about
My life

But now
I've pushed those
Fears aside
I will not be a burden
I don't care
The cost

I will not let
My family
Receive all the loss
All the money
It would take- all the money
In the world
Couldn't fix my problem
If there is still no solution

I won't put them
Into debt
Over my false hope

I won't forget
The things they said
And I will learn
My best to cope

I am a burden
And I walk with
These chains
But I will stitch
My lips closed
And bear with the pain

Should I stand
Or should I fall
In the end
Doesn't matter
At all

Because if I
Become a burden
To anyone around me
I would lose my sense
Of reality
I'd lose my chance
For living

I'm done pretending

Life goes on
Even when you don't want it to
But only the strong
Will make it through okay
Shining brighter than before

Even as they still live
Day to day
To mask the pain
To forget the tears of yesterday

Life goes on
Even as the world may fall
Only those with courage
Come out standing tall

I want
To cut myself
Wide open

Digging the blade
Deep down
Into my organs

I feel so exposed
So I'll expose
What's inside
This precious
Body of mine

The blood
So addicting
I want to drown
In Crimson red
For the rest of my life

The skin
Peeling away
Sending my nerves
All aflame
To feel the soft flesh
That lies beneath
Flesh that no one
Was ever meant to see

My soul
Is protruding
Trying to escape
I want to let it out
But I'm crying from pain

My heart
Starts to stammer
Lungs convulse
To reach for air
I start to let go
As I disappear

Clouding my judgement
the smoke
Shrouds my soul

Charring the essence
Of my humanity
Dark as coal

Visions of the past
Haunts me
Still to this day

Letting me know
This feeling
May never go away

Still the smoke
Churns from the house
On that night

And his flesh burns
From the flames
That ignite

Here I stand
So helpless
Frozen where I stand

As the heat radiates
From the house
Where you live

Every time
I see smoke taint the air
I remember that night

It was the last night
I'd ever seen you alive

It was the last night
Before the smoke
Filled my mind

Your light of hope
Seems so dim anymore
My hope in this life;
My dreams are there
But they seem further away from me
I dream of a day
Where I can provide
Yearn for a life where
I am always on the climb
Instead of being trapped upon the
Earth

Distant dreams
Are tragedies
But your words
Had offered peace to me
The way you were always so confident in me and always told me to be anything my heart could ever dream
Your voice...
    Your words....
         Were like a symphony
The way you loved me
        
         Unconditionally

...She passed away in the beauty of spring
And how I long to hear her voice
To let it comfort me
Can she see how far I've come?
I keep pressing towards my dreams
But gravity is too strong
Let your eternal love offer me strength
Although worlds apart,
I pray it will reach me
To hear you whisper my name
    To hear your voice...
          To hear your Symphony...

I want to relive your love
    Forevermore
I want to make you proud
    Of this "little girl"

Tell me
   Can you see me where you are?
      Worlds apart, but you don't lose heart
           Listen
       And you will hear
    A symphony
It is the gift you'd given to me

Purity
Is impossible to obtain
In a world so corrupt
It's hard to explain
All the deception
In this world
How we treat others
Is the worst

How can something
Be so pure, when it's
Surrounded by putrid
And vile things?
How can something
Remain as white
As a fresh sheet of snow
In January?

In the 21st century
Everyone is sick
And I am sick
Of living in it
Surrounded by sin
And chaos
There's no escape
No way to stay
Pure

Even innocence
Is tainted by the
Ways of today

It's hard to keep
Composure

And even harder to find
Closure

Nothing is innocent
Anymore

All the stars start to align
The glowing path gets clearer
Each night

You're checking out
So turn out the lights
Leave me stuck here in the dark

I want to see brilliant shades of red
Blood to paint the walls with my very life
I want to go with you
And forever be by your side
But instead I am tortured by the lights

Take me home
Let me be free
I want to fly away from everything
So distant from what weighs me down

This is my only shot at redemption
After all that I've done

Everyone I've hurt
Over my selfish desires
And impulsive turns

I've no choice but to move on
Create a whole new life for myself
Because the person I was born to be
Is now dead

In my mind's sight
This is the only option I have
Otherwise
My physical being
Will turn to nothing
But ash, by my own hands

Letting go is hardly up for debate
But moving on will guide me
Towards that day
And offer me a clean slate

Stripping a rose of its blood red sin
So that, perhaps one day
It can be white again
But the jagged thorns
Offer a reminder:
Just as the scars that surface
And remain eternally,
Portray the dangerous anamour
And the price of vanity

Surrounded by water
I feel peace
As I let my body
Slip underneath the surface
I'm at home

I'm happy
There's only one thing
In front of me
And it's clear
And it carries me
There's no place that I'd rather be

I could spend my whole life
Intertwined with the current

Everything goes quiet
There's no stress
Not a voice inside my head

When you hit
A certain point of depression,
Your body starts to decieve you
Telling your mind
That you're already dead...

Your body stops aching
You mind slowly erasing
Of all the cares
And all the worries
That you and this life share

And you stop living
Because inside you are dead
And you don't even try to be
To beg for attention
You're just tired
of how no one will listen
So you shut down

There is no breaking point
No trigger for anger
No full-fledged smiles
Because you feel Neither
Pain, no regret
There isn't even a soul
Inside your chest

An empty vessel
Feels no pity
No happiness or agony
You go through life
As if you aren't there
Watching everyone else
Living the sort of life
You left behind
All while feeling
Nothing inside

I'm given only one choice
To destroy
To protect
the blood on my hands marks
the only option I have left

Still my heart that is
Beating
In my chest
Beats, beats
Beats until the day
It will finally rest

I can not stop
I can't give in
Until everyone feels
All the pain they've put me in

And once I've left
My dying breath
Will shake you to the core
Just so torment
Can keep you
And claw at your empty soul

Just like mine
Once did
Before

Sometimes
You've got to do
What you don't want to
To get by

Often times
I find myself
Floating beneath
The waters surface
Desperately needing air
But it's hard to do
What it takes to survive

We live
In a life
Filled with hate
Filled with the lack of care
To see if we make it out okay
How much calamity
Need we face, until we get it?

Nothing will change
Because we are the change
And we refuse to do it ourselves

So I'll sit here at 2 a.m.
On my lunch break
Feeling lucky that I can even
Have enough hours to get one

What's true to your heart
Is a treasure to keep
Keep it close, tucked next to your soul
And don't ever let it to
It's times like these
Moments such as this
That keep you humble
Yet allow you to fly
It doesn't matter what it is
That gives your life
A reason to live
Embrace who you are
Become a dreamer
Let your feet leave the ground
And let your dreams
Set you free
The only life worth living
Is in doing what you love
And never giving up
On those silly dreams
Never letting go of all the foolish things
They say you'll never get there
But they don't know what it means
To soar through the sky
With open wings

My demons
Follow me
Break me down
Until I'm nothing

They don't rest
And I can't hide
I've grown tired of
Running for my life

It's easier to let them in
To let all of my suffering
Seem to end

But I don't like it,
These words they say
I don't ever want
To play these games

Falling from the heavens
Shattered me into a million pieces
My body is frail
My bones; dust
My heart has grown weary

Once, I thought I'd had it all
Where you're the highest, you see
Is the furthest to fall
Now I lie beneath the dirt
Because my spirit couldn't handle
One more word

But words, it seems
They carry me
Through the ups and downs
These words, I hear
Whisper to my soul
Your words, I hear
And will never let them go

"The best thing about being at the bottom, is that the only way for you to go is up"

Up
Back to the heavens
With new stars set in my eyes
No chains from the past will keep me earthbound
No nails in my coffin will hold me down
Because only the strong will rise

I will rise

I miss the touch
The feel of a mother's love
Or a father's caring concern
With their arms around me
Together
Forever
But some things
Were just never meant to be

I miss the long talks
And how she would listen
I miss the guidance
And how he would try so hard
Just to understand me
So he could know me
Better than ever before

I miss the sense of family
And long for some security
They were my foundation
Together, we were happy
But only for a season

I miss the heartfelt tears
And all the time we'd spent
Throughout the years

I miss you mom
I miss you dad
I miss all the times
We will never have

Chasing
A dream
That can be harder than it seems

There was a time
When I was Young
That I wanted to be
Just like my mom,
The cosmetologist

I grew up
And killed that dream
Because it doesn't pay well

Then I wanted
To be a famous musician
And play in a band
With all of my friends
and for some time I did

That all ended
When I reminded myself
That catching fame
Is like catching a star
Something so close
Can only be far

So I started to draw
My own manga
Started to write
My own stories
Knowing
No one would ever read them
Knowing
No one would ever care
Not once did I try to
Make a life from it
Because living out of stories
Wouldn't get me anywhere

So now I am to be
a medical coder
Chasing something that is
Not at all what I wanted to be

I think the biggest curse of them all
Is life

It stretches and bends you
Until you break
And never hesitates

Death seems like an escape
But has cold, bitter hands
And a beautiful, warm face

Not to mention
Life is temporary
Death is permanent
Life can be amazing
Still, death is eminent

All through our lives
We weigh out which one
We would rather have
When things go good, we choose to live
But we would throw it all away
The very moment when things get bad

Between all the contradicting
One fact still remains
That one simple fact that completely separates:
Life is a choice
We choose to live
Every day, even when it's our life that we want to give
Life is waking up
And choosing that this day
Will be a good one
Just one choice
Can make life miserable
Just one choice
Can make life worth living

I let out a sigh
Of exhaustion
Haven't slept right
In two weeks

The medicine
Is not kicking in
And I can't bring
Myself to speak

My body shakes
Constantly with adrenaline
But I am sitting still
My nerves are
Misfiring
It's hard to focus

My vision tremors
Just as the lights above me
Flicker like strobe lights

Is this what it feels like
To be alone?
Is this just my body
Shutting down?

I never want
To be alone
But some how solitude
Is where I belong
What a desolate feeling
What a delicate soul

This is what it's like
To be completely
On my own

If only
You could see
How happy you could be

If only
You could know
That at the end
There is hope

If only
You could feel the love
That we feel for you

If only
You were here
To see all these faces

If only
You saw
All the ones who miss you

If only
I could hold you again
For one last time

If only
I'd have been there
Moments before you died

If only
We could laugh again
I want to hear your voice

If only
We could be
The way we were before

If only
I didn't have to
Come to see your grave
I would much rather
Come to see your face

Sometimes I wonder:
If only
You were here
I would be whole again
And never let you disappear

To accept my fate
Is to throw my life away
To do what's best for myself
Is to take away the good things in my life

I've always
Prayed every night
Asking God to let me see
Through both eyes
The the world
The way everyone else does

But I now know
That that'll never happen
To be honest
My faith is shaken
And I've never felt
More forsaken

What'll happen to me now?
Should I just roll over and die?
Because that's what it feels like I'm doing
Just because of one
Useless eye

It's not fair
The way I've taken it
All in stride
It's not fair
How my eye
Can no longer see colors
Everything is turning black
It's not fair
I'm only nineteen

I'm fully prepared
And fully aware
Of what's happening
And what the outcome will be

But I'm still afraid
The thought
It terrifies me
And I just want to give up
On life
On everything

Is this me
Rushing into things?

Am I trying
To get ahead of myself?

Or is it me
Trying my best to be thriving?




When I'm barely surviving

I love him so completely
That I rely on his strength
Never do I fear of him leaving me
Because he's there for me
He cares for me
Even my rediculous stories, he believes

I love him so deeply
That I need not fear any more
When he is by my side
The storm, that is called my life
Vanishes to clear skies

I love him so truly
That I will never love another
Even when our time is done
My love for him
Will forever live on

I love him unconditionally
That I don't even see
The flaws that he points out
Or when he gets on my nerves
My heart swells and pours out love

In sadness
I smile
In sickness
I push
In trials
I wear a mask
So no one has to
Know the horrid truth

I once was bare
For all to see
There were no secrets
Hiding underneath

This is the cost
The innocence of our youth
That is why when I speak
All you hear is the truth

So full of deciet
But it's all an illusion
Don't take off the mask
That I'd molded so carefully
It's the only thing that separates me
From my true identity

I don't remember
the moment I finally broke
Or why

When did I finally
Give in at the mercy
of conflict?

I just don't uncerstand
When I quit reaching
For something more

To grasp the things
That remain unseen
Untold

I once was a dreamer;
Who's feet never touched
The ground

Now I lie face first
In the dirt
And cannot see
What life is worth

I don't remember
the moment I finally broke
Or why

I only remember
Emptiness snaking up my spine
Now I can't help but to feel
A massive void in my life

And the thing that
Kills me most
Is that I don't know
Why