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Oct 2023 · 1.3k
Ball of worry
Kat Pan Oct 2023
Slow and heavy
Ball of worry
My hair is falling
I should be starving
Happiness is the wind
All around but out of reach
I feel everything draining out of me
I want to lay down in the sun for a while
I want to remember I can smile
Time is happening all at once
Life is a second
So why do I suffer?
Self soothe like a mother
Find shelter, take cover
Pray the worst is over
Feeling anxious and worried
Sep 2020 · 172
One more time
Kat Pan Sep 2020
He doesn't love me
He pretends to smile
He probably could
It's just been a while

It's bittersweet
The way you don't care
You left so soon
Were you ever even there?

As time passes on
Memories do too
You'll forget about me
I'll forget about you

I'm moving on
You're no longer mine
As much as it hurts
I'll love again...

Just one more time...
Love, breakup, move on, repeat
Feb 2020 · 136
Fearing Love
Kat Pan Feb 2020
With you I feel what I feel with few
Like the sky is yellow and the sun is blue

Shut my eyes and forgot what I knew
As the sky turned black and the sun changed hues

The oceans rose and swallowed my view

Submerged in the fear of loving you

Scared to drown in fear
Scared to fear a fear
Fearing you
Fearing I
Fearing it
Fearing love
Scared to love again
Oct 2017 · 396
The Route Home
Kat Pan Oct 2017
Driving, driving, driving
My unseasoned eyes had never caught a glimpse of nature's harvest
dividing people to such an extent

My eyes touring the scenic avenue
They had never witnessed the leaves loot the sun of its hue
It seemed almost artificial

My eyes distort the landscape into frayed fantasies
And my mind proceeds to peruse the memories like a magazine

I see you
I wave hi
Until your presence flickers
And we
disconnect
i miss home, i miss you, i was daydreaming
Sep 2017 · 579
The New Girl
Kat Pan Sep 2017
I am disregarded

Your vile eyes gloss over my body and label me victim

Your spiteful intentions *scald
my skin as you target me speechlessly

I am a apparition

Treading on what is identical to Hell's surface

I beseech God to forsake me and let me perish in the authentic blaze

I am unfit for the toil, the betrayal is worrisome, and my frail heart is left in shambles

I am puzzled by the way you dislodged those malicious words from the pits of your repulsive throat and slung them at me

All your transgressions are in vain

but you and your friends cackle like witches

I am sorry my exterior is a rarity

My hair is brown like the Earth's dirt and the roots that stem have culture

I am so sorry that my body is a precious temple

petite and dainty while yours is filled with *sin and ego
kind of working on it
Jun 2017 · 3.0k
Time
Kat Pan Jun 2017
I’m a victim as you stream my life
Like a short film and I can’t remember my own name
You drape my skin over rusty bones that fail when the clock chimes
Yet you collect every strand of my hair
Torn and grown
Cut and combed
and repaint the shapes I used to be into finer lines
Why do you whisper silly words to me?
Yet I hang myself on them and engrave the fate you sealed for me
Why do you twist me at every angle?relishing in my deterioration
Soaking and rinsing your own wounds in the pools of my bitter mistakes and sweet memories
But these scars I wrap with your worn stems, vanish beneath my exterior
I am stainless
Sometimes,
when I am to tattered to walk, you carry me on your shoulder
But I remember when you grabbed my ankles and cracked my wrists
You cast me like a stone
And polish me like a trophy
*Conceal me in your clock work
Talking to time
i swear i heard this title from somewhereeee
Dec 2016 · 3.4k
Attached
Kat Pan Dec 2016
My desire is shielded by pale skin and spineless structure
The heaving in my chest is my heart clutching the pits of my empty stomach
as my lungs whisper    
honey harmonies
Any intention of uttering my fascination is quickly dwindling back into my nail beds
*Please don't go
I'm attached to you
Kat Pan Oct 2016
When 2 faces are carved and sculpted to match and align at every crease
the tips of your noses will settle

You are hesitant to look at what you created
But you crave for the stunning view

You are so vulnerable
Not a breath slips through
And when your eyes meet
Every thought departs the reaches of your rootless head

Your perception is devoured by sweet brown eyes that stretch to remember where your skin wrinkles
Every unnoticed portion

Now you're as blank as paper
Captured by something too quaint for further worded confusion

You wish to paint every feature on your blank canvas
While time has ceased

*Isn't it lovely?
Sometimes I get lost in your view
Aug 2016 · 1.2k
Dont go outside in the rain
Kat Pan Aug 2016
Mom "Don't go outside it's raining"
Our great thinkers used to go out in the rain
Why must I be contained during such a spectacle?
What has changed? Let's see...
Mom " You'll get sick"
So our faucet dispenses a fluid purer than what freely falls from the clouds?
What leaks through our ceiling isn't just a sign to fix our roof
Maybe it's trying to drip back into our lives
How do I know the rain doesn't miss me?
What if the rain longs to sweep down my skin?
I won't know
Because "common sense" is overshadowing any piece, any connection we have to becoming a TRUE BEING
alive
Mom "Don't go outside its raining"
Child "Okay"
*I miss you too rain
It's raining
May 2016 · 881
Your favorite sweater
Kat Pan May 2016
I am tattered and worn through
I am tangled and distracted
All of my strings have become loose
My body is a knit jacket

Hang me on rusty metal hooks
I'm filling in your hollow shelves
Replacing every antique book
But he only cares for himself

I can't sustain my perfect shape
Because you kindle a fire
I'm a candle, melting away
And all I ever feel is tired

But everytime you hold me
My sleeves intertwine with pale skin
My thoughts are slowly unfolding
Now I'm ready to let you in
I trust you
Mar 2016 · 531
A deep depression
Kat Pan Mar 2016
I'm trying to keep myself light but when your already unsteady it's easy to become heavy
Easy to let the ideas get out of hand the ones that no one understands
Fluent in the language of a deep depression
Wanting something you don't deserve
I guess it hurts for what it's worth
Feb 2016 · 942
[Maybe another fate]
Kat Pan Feb 2016
My eyes unlatch and hollow bones come to life
Gravity presses me under
Carving my own space into this world
I wish it were that easy
I wish i could understand why a hellish sphere of flames drives people to insanity
Makes my skin glow, riveting down my spine to the intangible corners of my morality
Back to an eternal loneliness, just me and my silhouette
All my worries in harmony with reality
Lost at mind and found in thoughts
And forgotten in a grassy paradise where the only touch is thoughts left by others
buried and grown nipping at my legs
Yet this a serendipity  
A serendipity to have something holding me back
Tearing the skin off my pale hands
Tangling my chances until they find me
Maybe another day
This poem is about sinking into your thoughts on a sunny day with nature
Feb 2016 · 1.1k
Agony of me
Kat Pan Feb 2016
Agony of breathless screams

Agony of sweet release onto empty pages that can't carry the feeling

Agony of pushing away those you once believed in

Agony of melting into your smallest purest thoughts

Agony of a broken smile and a tameless temper

Agony from loss of words

Agony of breaking hopeless boundaries only to have your soul be tampered with

Agony of caving into your worn out lungs

Agony of breathless screams*

Agony of wasting every second for liars who are incapable of loving you

Agony of shattering clear views for something real

Agony of swaying to the drift of the wind in a brutal realization that it won't take you away

Agony of arriving to a house but not a home

Agony of slowly piecing yourself back together instead of sleeping

Agony of quiet abandonment

She awakens
Dec 2015 · 543
It's hard to Believe
Kat Pan Dec 2015
What if there isn't such thing as God? That all this time we've been living a lie
Believing in something up in the sky
That some sort of guy helps us decide
What life we'll have when we die
What's right or wrong in his eyes
and not mine?
That if you close your eyes and pray in your mind
Everything will be fine
As long as you follow the rules that apply?
It's ridiculous to believe!
But when it holds your future you're bound to be deceived
What if there's no such thing as God?
I don't know
Nov 2015 · 1.2k
Masterpiece
Kat Pan Nov 2015
If I painted a portrait of you
It would look like a silly sensation of shapes
A failed attempt to form eyes and lips into a memorable escape
But really I enlarged your eyes because in them you carry a star filled sky
Every simple feature I sketch I wish could be mine
Theres a masterpiece in every line
Nov 2015 · 370
Writing a Poem
Kat Pan Nov 2015
I can feel the ink trickling into my stained hands
A strand of nonsensical rhymes, rythyms, and riddles
That no one understands
Wishes scatter onto a empty page recklessly putting themselves into a worded phrase
But everything still seems to fall in place
Another way of writing a poem
Nov 2015 · 307
Losing your mind
Kat Pan Nov 2015
A lost and found for a missing mind is unheard of
Yet I constantly and cautiously revise myself
Keeping the fear of losing myself near
Because I only have one me
One mind that thinks in a way that defines me
That proves that this life is mine
Dont lose yourself it's the only you you've got
Oct 2015 · 340
Empty Lips
Kat Pan Oct 2015
She had a delicate smile
She gave away her smile to those who didnt have one
Piece by piece by piece until she became hollow
What used to make her whole was now an empty pair of lips
She was generous
Oct 2015 · 372
Another Midnight Wish
Kat Pan Oct 2015
Why cant I be like the moon?
When the darkness approaches he illuminates the abandoned barrier between us and the uncharted murkiness
He sings a soothing symphony
Leaving all straying off into sweet midnight dreams
Kissing both my eyes and restless mind
The moon is beautiful

— The End —