She could’ve died
Slipped away
Under the surface
While the world sat by

She could’ve died
In a trance
Hypnotized
By the choice she made
A bottle of pills
Sweating in her palm
They say death
Hurts like hell
But I think it’s more like fire

She could’ve died
Just like I did
Buried alone
In a hospital room
IV’s and screaming
Until she couldn’t breathe
They say death
Steals people away
But are you a thief
If I want to be taken

This waiting period is strange
I'm not eager to fall in love
I'm alright for now
Not really working on myself
More so
Just existing
Feeling things more or less thoroughly
Than before
I don't know if it ever quite hits me
That this is now
And it's all I'll ever have
And someday I'll be in love
And it will be enough
It doesn't feel real
Thinking of love and me
I'm me
So solitary and full of imperfection
Just like everybody else, I guess
There's no one here I love right now
There are little aspects
I can appreciate
But I can feel that there's someone out there
Someone who manages to fit
My idealistic unrealistic vision of a soulmate
I guess that's childish
Thinking things like that are real
But some part of me can't help
But believe in them
Late nights of imagining them talking
[And by them I mean us]
In a small humble apartment
Gives me space to breathe
And as I'm on the edge of sleep
I feel warm and real
Happy to be alone

I hope you enjoy
Life without me
Because I am done writing
All these love notes
I am done with all these ****** poems
I am done with your no answers
And your "misunderstandings"
And your cute quirks
Like never apologizing
And overdramatizing
And victim blaming
Self deprecating
Body shaming
Overt manipulation
I am done with looking at you
Across the room
Hoping you'll look back
I know you won't and
I don't want you to
I hope you like
Your own medicine
Because I've cut you out of my life
Now you don't mean anything

It's evening. Everything is dark beyond my windows. The music starts to play, and I close my eyes.



The silken touch of a cloth
I haven't felt it since my childhood
Vaguely registers in my mind
Fingertips still roaming
Still trying to find
The crack in my hull
The fissure in my seams

There's a corner of my book
That digs into my hip
I only move it so I can go deeper
Into these blackened depths
I turn off the lights
So I can be one with the night
Then I'm alone in the darkness
With the fur of my blanket
Rushing over my feet

Dogs howl
Inside or out
I do not know
I rest my head back
And sag into the pillows
To close my eyes
Is to break away from reality
Left only with the stains of the light
Painted on the backs of my eyelids
To convince me
That I'm really alive



The music ends. My eyes have been open for a while now, but I'm still not sure if I can see.

Oh early morning dream
Who's going to stop me
From bending down
And throwing out
All the things
That got me this far
I know it's never worth it
And my mind
Doesn't know what's right
But minds can be so deceiving
Especially mine

My dearest streak
Of onyx lightening
My favourite blackened
Silhouette
The lovely shadow
That stalks my home
And rests her warm
Soft head
Down on my thigh
Raising a dainty
Porcelain paw
Complete with stained
Rosy paw pads
Up to my hand
For an occasional treat
Curling up next to me
Such a little thing
Slow motion blinking
And twitching ears
To convey her feelings
A feline ambassador
To the human race

Cool afternoons spent
With ocean skies
That don't compare
To your wildfire eyes

Lay back in the grass
Your dog on my chest
Daydreams and sunscreen
Of all my fantasies
You are the best

How have I never
Felt so alone

Cloudy in August
Couldn't be better
Burning dumpsters
Near crowded highways
This inner city squalor
Is my lifelong muse
Leather jackets
And scuffed up boots
Patients give me
Patience sticking
Needles in our veins
Dynomatic symphonies
Pounding us
With ecstasy
Drinking in the
Sweet smoked air
At bus stops I've
Never seen before
I'd never it give it up
That politically incorrect
Temperamental judgement
I'll live forever
For the idiosyncratic
Enigma I call
My not quite home

Sweet summer sun
Hidden by clouds
Rain pours down
Puddles forming
Where dog feet splash
Plants growing up
Tangled in the light
Feeding on the rain
Beautiful days
Wild strawberries and
Huckleberry trees
Dark eyes
Hidden by shadows
Wisdom
Buried under roots

Like coffee
You taste bitter on my tongue
Slightly sweetened
By the glaze of your eyes
When you wet your lips
And press them to mine

Cold days and
Cold feet
I just don't
Want to get up
Right now
Don't be sad
Or think that
I am
I'm not
I'm just tired
And frustrated
And I want to be alone
In the world
Doing what I love
I hope that's not
Too much to ask

I'm cold
When the rain comes
But I'll be colder
When it goes
For now I exist
Is the foggy distance
Where the sun never shines
And the music
Never stops playing
And I can never rest
My aching bones
My freezing toes
My red stained nose
There's somewhere in my mind
Where I'm well aware
That this is suicide
But I'm young
And the rain has come
Maybe when it goes
I'll be older
Colder

You make me happy
You make me feel alive
You are the antithesis
Of my dead end
You're fiercer than a pack of wolves
My love
You'll go great places someday

I'm so alive
With your face
Next to mine
I see you
In dreams
Feel your breath
Against my cheek
You're just so green
Exploding
Beside me
And I'll never see
Anything besides
Those colours
Stained inside
The back of
My eyes
Replaying
A thousand times
While a hundred
Springs fade
Into summer
Everglades
And a hundred leaves
Tumble down
Around me
You're so green
I'd give
Anything
To watch you
Burst alive
Into bloom

Come home
Go through the door
Nearly collapse
On the front steps
Slip off shoes
Crawl into bed

It'd be nice
To watch a movie
Or read a good book
But I'm drained
And tired
So I'll go to sleep instead

It's almost funny
The way I fall
In love with anyone
It shouldn't be this way
It shouldn't be you
But it is
And how am I
Supposed to help it
I'm just a kid
With a head full of clouds
And a heart full of dreams
That I can't quite reach
I love my guilty pleasures
But you aren't
Even guilty
You're just a man
That I don't know
You're just a man
That I'll never know
And I will daydream
About meeting you
In separate places
I could be your doll
You're not
A work of art
And darling that's okay
Let's keep it that way

She's cute
She has purple hair
She bought a Jesus pen
For some reason
Can't wait to see it
She likes bands
Bands that I actually know
She compliments me
Even though I'm ugly
And she's a witch
Who speaks Spanish

That day
You commented on me staring out at the snowflakes
There's so many things I can't forget
I hate you
I wish I could feel something for someone
Again
I want so bad
To say that you broke me
But you didn't break anything

I always see them.

Laughing with their friends,
Head thrown back
Sunlight spilling down their throat
Lighting up their crooked teeth.

I want that to be me.

I don't know if I'm lonely
Or just falling apart
But I'd love to fall apart
In your arms
Your summer hair
Glowing gold and brown
Wild eyes
2:00 AM in your bed
With the window open
Rain outside
Cups of tea in hands
Watching your smile

I'm crushed
By the weight
Of my own
Imperfections
I'm not
Sure what
I really
Expected
But it wasn't
This
I didn't
Want to
Come back
I didn't
Want to
Be here
Choking down
Compliments
That I know
Aren't true
Trying not
To cry alone
In the corner
Of my room
If nothing
Around me
Will break
Or bend
Then I
Suppose
I will

All this "love"
Is crushing me

This tea
Tastes like memories
All I want to feel
Is someone's eyelashes
Beating against my skin
The sense of skin on felt
On soft, slippery silk
On icy velvet
What if their mouth tastes like cinnamon
Will their tears
Be pearls of salt on my cheeks
And will they bite me

Long night of flashing lights
Dark bridges
Your feet and mine
Tangled together
While we pass over wet pavement
Do I miss you yet?
As rain trickles down
Heavenly tears
Wet my face
Wash away my fears
Time is sand
Dripping through my hands
I will sit here awhile before I
Return to you
Meet me at the edge
Of the field where we met
I’ll see you a thousand times again
A thousand quiet touches
Infinitely in your embrace
Feel your hands against my back
Do your fingers ink my skin?
Leave marks on me
Where you used to be
Please become real to me
I don’t want to forget this

We will both feel pride
On this day
Far, far in the future
Or maybe not too far at all

Your song is on the radio
In the background of a show
The beat that people in glittering outfits
Let go of control to

You're holding your lover's hand
Or perhaps alone
That familiar bump of feeling
Bitter pride
Resentment
Melancholy regret
The ghost of hope
The ghost of the part of you
That wonders what would be different if I'd stayed
And I'm sitting
With my headphones in
Listening to your voice
That same bump of feeling
That same ghost, now brought to life

I spent so long hoping you'd never let go of me
Now I'm glad you're free

I need to say this
I know I've stuck
To the funny stuff
But it's not enough
So please don't feel
Like you owe me
Literally anything
As much as I care
For you my dear
I would do this
For anyone
I couldn't turn
You down even
If I wanted
And I don't want to
Trust me I'd love you
But it isn't you
Well
Not true
It doesn't have to be you
It could be but love
You live hours
Away from me
And I think I'm more
For your idea
Than I am for you
So please
When you read
My soliloquy
Know that I
Am not asking
For anything

It's
Been
Eleven
Days and
I'm ******* tired
So close to falling apart
When did I become such a disaster

Tired eyed
But so excited to be here
Kissing in a parking lot
Like you promised
Over the phone
Sleeping in shifts
Playing video games
And exploding kittens
Until the sun rises
Braiding your hair
Into a woven crown
A pile of snakes atop your head
Curled up under my duvet
Listening to the rain
Pound on the ceiling
Listening to my heart
Pound on my skin
Drowning
In my old leather jacket
Your shining face flecked with mud
From a long wait
That has never been more worth it

I remember when I first met you
It was weeks in
We'd seen each other
A thousand times
But I never really met
The person I thought
Was really you

Lying back
In the parking lot
I watched you go
And you waved for once
You said "thank you"
In sign language
I really think
That's when we fell in love

I remember when I left you
It was last night
I think
I went off on a rant
About Jonestown
You changed the subject
And then hung up
I cried for it a bit
And let myself mope
Then I picked myself up
Because there was nothing left to do

I loved you
And you loved me
Perhaps you still do
But we are not lovers
We never will be
I'm sure we'll talk again
Probably pretty soon
That's what ***** teenagers do

My point is this
You are not my love
You are not monumental
To me, at least
We will each find someone
Who will leave us weak
But that isn't you
And it sure isn't me

You are no longer
The stranger I'm in love with
You're just a stranger

Maybe
If I write you
Enough poems
And send you
Enough texts
About the stupid
Dreams I have
And send you
Enough pictures
Of alpacas and
My pets
If I let you
Know through
Online poems how
Much you really mean
You'll come
Back home
And call me
That night
And we can
Meet up at
A ****** movie
Theater
Watch that new
Horror movie
Walk down to
A park and sit
And talk about
Our lives
You can show me
Khoshekh and
I'll show you
My new bangs
I know that
Will never happen
But I'll still
Dream it anyways
I know I'll
Never love you
And I know I'll
Never see you
But the world is
Getting colder
My faith is
Slowly dying
But I'm not
Giving up on you
Like they
Gave up on me
Love
I'll keep on
Trying

We can finally talk again
And I want to see you around
But I'm just so tired
Of talking right now
And I'd rather die
Than let you down
But I'm just so tired
Of people right now

I started the scarf
That I'm making for you
I **** at knitting
So don't be surprised
If the whole thing unravels
In your gentle hands
Just like I did
When we first met

I dreamt about you
Again last night
We finally met
In a worn down house
And I kissed you
Three times
How I wish
That had been real life

Can I drown
In your familiar blue
Travel across the miles
Climb up to
Your window
Make myself
A home with you
Let's build up
A pillow fort
Close the windows
Lock the doors
Shut away the sun
And watch our
Flowers grow
Somehow nocturnal
With only your eyes
To light me up
There's no need
To worry though
I'll forever bloom
With you

A full two weeks
How does it
Feel like years
It's nothing
Compared
To some one
Out there
But I guess I'll
Still write
And dream about
You sometimes
If that's okay
With you

It's too sunny
To think about you
I'll do it anyways
I'm too busy
To be so worried
I'll do it anyways
So many places
I've got to be
Yet I'm in my head
Dreaming again
About your Colorado
To my east coast
I'm obsessed with
The promise
Of a letter from you
I just can't wait
Never knew
Depression could be
So **** happy
It's really selfish
To be thinking
About dates
When your head
Is being erased
And I'm doing
Nothing
But it's too late
You're already gone
And so am I
So please write back
I'm in love with
Your ideas and
The sight of your face

Darling
I'll do my best
To think a bit more
I'll stop by the
Post office again
I don't doubt you
Please don't doubt me

I feel you
Slipping away
I know you'll
Write back but
Will it be too late
Eating pecans
And thinking
Of your face
Wishing I
Could talk to you
But not sure
What to say

I took a bath earlier
I didn't think about you
I read for a while
I laughed
I hit my head on a space heater
And I didn't think about you
But now I am
And I'm sick with you
It took me ten days
To figure it out
That I can't wait
To forget about you

I'm not losing hope
In you
Just me
It's always me

Please write back
I can't save you
Until Wednesday
But please write
I still have dreams
About seeing you
Sometimes
And it breaks me
I saw you last night
At a Panic! concert
You were hurting
Even there
My mind is reaching out
But I don't think
I can reach you
This time
It's been thirteen days
And I swear
I'll never stop thinking
About your purple hair
And your bands tees
All the reasons
I gave you my number
To begin with
I want to sing to you
With my awful voice
To make you laugh
To draw on your hand
Is all I need
You're beautiful
And funny
And I'm nothing
If not a cliche
I guess that's okay
As long as you are
Still with me somewhere

Alone again
With your hands
In my head

Try to see your face
But all that comes to mind
Is my old bed
And the hell it held

Am I losing you?

But then again
There's nothing to lose
You're that ethereal
Mistress of your mind
And I can't own you
Wouldn't if I could
Couldn't if I tried

This isn't a poem
Or a love letter
Maybe a tiny
Apology
But mostly just a note
To the one I adore
Dearest
I'll see you
On the other side
Call me tonight
I'm going to the beach
And I'm going to dig a hole
All the way
To Colorado
To visit you
With sand in my shoes

I need to write you
But I'm scared
I need this to be perfect
Just like your letter
To me
But I'm so far
From perfection
Maybe I just
Don't love you enough
If I loved you enough
You could come home

Happy anniversary
Up there in Hades
Funny that it's up
Or am I assuming
Either way
The first month's the worst
And the second's worse
I'm not quite sure
Just how that works
But that's okay
Because we are not
And I know what they do
Feels a little more
Like medieval torture
Than friendly therapy
But you'll be okay
I must admit
It isn't much
Of a way to live
But you'll get out someday
And see the sun again
And all your friends
Will shroud you
In all their love
And everything will be
Perfectly peachy

I miss the concept of you I made
Out of glimpses of your face
From the corner of my eye
In the back of the room
I miss the voice that I hear in my head
It's sounds like you but
It says the words I wish you would
All these daydreams
Are going to smother me
I know you'll never be next to me
Laying in bed like the lovers
That we will never be
But my mind runs away
And I can't keep up with it
I can't keep up with this

I've never been more happy
To see an unknown
Number call me
The sound of your voice
Is all too familiar
The fact that
I made you laugh
Is worth more
Than gold to me
And at the end of the call
You told me
You loved me
And I said "you too"
Nothing can burst
My glimmering bubble
Of happiness
I'm so glad you called
Please do it again

Don't you dare
Think that the miles
Matter much
You're my
Cataclysmic
Landslide
And I'll
Never stop
Thinking of you
Your face
Will always
Be in dreams
And there's no time
That when I close
My eyes
You won't be
On my mind

I don't know why I keep writing
I barely think I know you
You're just my confessional
At this point
I'll keep going
Knowing you'll never see this
You'll never read this
That's good
That's definitely good
Because I don't know what I'd say
If you said you'd read
Through twenty-eight days
Of the worst poetry
Known to mankind
That'd just be embarrassing
For both you and me
Part of me hopes
You never write back
I want to let this go
So I can freely wallow
In my current state of mind
But I can't do that
I'm not doing this for you
And I'm certainly not doing this for me
I guess I'm doing it
As some part of my deranged moral code
I need to prove
That I am something more
Than an empty shell
That the things I believe in
Are more than lies I tell myself