Please write back.

I miss you
I wish I could see you
Remembering
Your smile is
The highlight of today
I have an idea of you
That I'm falling for
I know it isn't you
But that doesn't
Stop me at all

I'll send out
A newsletter
For you
And you alone
With pictures
Of me
And the dogs
And the fish
And the things
We once
Might've shared
If only you
Weren't hiding
In Colorado
I know
I put
The blame
All on you
And that's so
So not fair
But I can't
Deal with
The fact
That you miss
Me less than
I miss you
Is it so
Wrong to
Want you to
Miss me
I want you
To kiss me
At night
In your dreams
I'm begging
You please
Give me a
Sign that
You could
Be mine
Don't ask
If that's
******
It is because
You don't
Have the time
To listen
To me whine
You've been
Inside for days
Your world
Is surely
A haze of
Therapy
And remedies
To things
You don't want
To fix and
I understand
The pain
Of being torn
Away from the
Things that
You've lived on
For so long
But I've
Been there too
It *****
It really does
But please
Come home soon
I'm in love
With your letters
There's no
Promise of
Forever but
I at least
Want to see
You before
You go for good
I'm not
Misunderstood
Just ashamed
Of the things
That I've done
And the things
That I'll do
But not of you
Never of you

I'm writing this
From the top of the hill
Black berries in my palm
Thinking of you
Maybe you'll think of me
Up in your room
Barred off from the world
A twisted fairytale
But we aren't Rapunzel
We aren't Disney quality
Who wants a homoflexible prince
And a purple haired queen
Besides your hair
Isn't quite that long
And I don't own a horse
But I do have some letters from you
And you have some from me
Maybe I'll travel around today
And see if you got back to me
I hope you did because I miss
Everything about you dear
I hope you might just
Think of me sometimes
When times get tough
And words aren't enough
I can be your rock to hold you up
And I can be you anchor
To keep you grounded
You can be my muse
The subject of all my dreams
We can be a lot of things
Rapunzel is not one of them

I'm an ugly disaster
So stop writing me
I'm not worth it
I don't deserve it
At the end of the day
I'm still the same
I'm the girl who
Made the attempt
Who sat alone and wept
So stay away
My depression is
Contagious and you're
Too good for me

It's been two days
Since I knew
That I temporarily
Lost you
To yourself
I guess
I won't text
I won't want
To call you
Anymore
Day two
And I already miss you

There's so many fake passageways
In this medieval maze of mine
Monsters keep popping out of walls
And leading me in circles
To abandon me at dead ends
Of which there are too few
All these walls have twists and turns
That always end
In the same blank rock face
No matter which path I choose
I know where I'll go
I'll always end up dead
At each fairytale end

I don't know what to do today
I must confess
I did my best
To restrict a bit
To make my stomach flat
I know that I can't do this
If I want to recover
And be the girl my mother
Knows again
I should not care what I eat
Or what I wear
In fact
I should wear what
Makes me smile
But the reflection in the mirror
Is a deadly persuasive
And the diary says
"Beautiful child
"You are listening again
"You see yourself as you are
"And that is as not enough
"Come with me dear"
But I have dreams
I do declare
I have dreams that will crush you
Dreams that will stomp the whole world flat
"What dreams?"
It laughs
"If you had dreams
"I would not speak
"The disordered do not have dreams
"Love
"They have fantasies
"Delusions of grandeur
"Drugged up hallucinations
"From fasting"
I nod my head
Pay my respects
And am led away
But part of me says
"No."
I am a dreamer
I am a high hopes believer
I am a fantacizer
And a far stretch reciever
But I am not delusional
And this is not a diary
It is a disorder
So maybe I should stop writing

If I knew
That I'd see you when I die
I wouldn't **** myself
I'd stay here
Live out my life
See what the world has to offer
Before I joined you in the grand above

I hope you wouldn't mind
If I made you wait for a while
You could watch me on my adventures
I hope clinical psychology
Or big firm accounting
Sound interesting to you
I'll travel all across the states
Thinking of you as an angel on my shoulder

I like how I operate
Thinking that you're dead
You might still be out there
Living your own life
Completely apart from mine
What would you think
If someone told you you'd see me when you die
Would you be disappointed
Would you wish it was someone else
Or would you smile again
Like you smiled on my last full day
When I asked you to support me
I think you'd say yes
Like you did then

I wouldn't be scared of death
If I knew I'd spend it with you
There's no one I'd rather be with
And I mean it
I'll spend my life with everyone else
Might as well spend my death with you

I think I think about you dead because it's easier to cope
Than knowing you're probably out there
And you never called
I still want you sometimes
I still perk up when the phone rings
But I know it's not you
Because now you're dead
Or you stopped searching
Maybe you never searched at all
Honestly, the thought that I wasn't special to you
Is the worst thing I can imagine
I don't believe it though
I saw something in your eyes
That knots up my throat every time I think about you
You cloud over my eyes
You make me cry
Because you're one of my favourite people in the world
And you mean so much to me

I'm not afraid anymore
Ever since you told me
It is not weak to cry
Something opened up
Inside of me
A void finally
Touched by light

Thank you for everything
Thank you for taking away one of my only platforms of expression
Thank you for getting mad at me for telling you how I feel
Thank you for supporting me in my darkest hours
Thank you for not letting me give in
Thank you for deciding what I want based on what you think is best
Thank you for letting me slowly destroy myself, fully knowing what I was doing
Thank you for finally making me get help
Thank you for not apologizing when you should have
Thank you for not understanding why I don't trust you
Thank you for leaving me to grow up without emotional support
Thank you for letting me fade into the background
Thank you for taking care of me for all these years
Thank you for doing things behind my back
Thank you for never asking for my opinion
Thank you for pressuring me into things I never wanted to do
Thank you for only being there for me when it was convenient for you
Thank you for bringing me into this world
Thank you for taking me away from my friends
Thank you for not judging me
Thank you for not listening
Thank you for jumping to conclusions
Thank you for not trusting me on anything
Thank you for trying to guilt trip me
Thank you for yelling at me
Thank you for trying to manipulate me into talking to you
Thank you for trying to understand
Thank you for telling me that I am not enough
Thank you for giving me reason to never trust you again
Thank you for looking the other way
Thank you for being disappointed in me
Thank you for taking away some of the only things that made me happy
Thank you for letting me break your rules
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for raising me
Thank you for stopping me
Thank you for always sticking to your beliefs
Thank you for turning against me
Thank you for taking her side
Thank you for telling me that I'm being dramatic
Thank you for telling me that I just want attention
Thank you for telling me that my problems aren't real
Thank you for leaving me alone
Thank you for loving only the good parts of me
Thank you for pretending that the bad parts don't exist
Thank you letting everything slip
Thank you for giving up on me
Thank you for never bothering to get to know me
Thank you for accepting me
Thank you for pretending that everything is fine
Thank you for telling me to *******
Thank you for calling me names
Thank you for giving me reason to believe that this is all my fault
Thank you for never giving me a chance to rest
Thank you for teaching me not to cry
Thank you for acting like I owe you something
Thank you for taking your emotions out on me
Thank you for trying to solve my problems when all I wanted was to be heard
Thank you for not doing anything
Thank you for waiting for so long
Thank you for doing anything at all
Thank you

I miss you
Why did I leave you
Why did I ever do this
I miss your face so ******* much
I just wanna talk to you again
But I know you won't respond
You've decided to respect my decision
So I know you won't message back
I know you won't add me again
You won't block me because you probably can't bring yourself to
But you won't respond

I'm alone now
You were my number one confidant
I loved you so much
We would always call when I was sad and I'd go to bed smiling
And imaging you holding me
Your chest pressed against my back
And then it stopped working
I got off the phone and sobbed into my hands
It wasn't enough anymore
I guess I realized things wouldn't work out

It hurts so much to let go of you
My eyes have been constantly swollen since I left
Full of tears and mourning
As much as I wish you'd text back
I'm glad you haven't
This was coming sooner or later

You've made your stance quite clear
You don't want me in your life anymore
Understandable
After what I did

I was sure you'd come back
But you didn't
You haven't
And there's a good chance you won't

I need to move on
Pick myself up and get myself away from here
Immerse myself in different things
Pick up hobbies
Begin reassociating the things I recognize as you
With something else

I can't let you rule my life anymore
I just can't
I have to move on

Please message me back
I'll respect whatever you do
But I'm not ready for this to be over

Probably should've thought of that earlier

I could be alone
I could be sad
I could cry myself to sleep
But I don't
I walk through cemeteries
And have panic attacks
And fall in love
Far too often
I guess that's just a side effect
Of deciding to live

It's some sort of feeling
I can almost see
It's like a dream
My friend once described to me
I'm standing in the dark
With you flowing all around me
You and all our memories
You're bleeding out of my arteries
Disappearing in this zero gravity void
Droplets of you fading into the black
But you're not gone yet

Swing sets
And black top
Cryptids lurking
In elementary
Play grounds
Your ice eyes
Matched with mine
Rich red stain
A pool of maroon
On your jacket
Coat pockets
Covered in pins

Don't know what to say
Other than you're my new aesthetic
And the music that we play
Has me up all night long
Dancing in my room
Like I don't know how to die
'Cause your stupid smile
Has me laughing too
As our 2000's dance moves
Clear out the room
We feel too much like magic
Too much like chemistry
I hope the way I look at you
Is the same way you look at me

Crushed
I'm crushed
Ground down
To the finest dust
Waiting to be blown away
Bury me in skies
Anywhere
That isn't here

Cloudy days and
Lavender skies
Neverending sunshine
Exhaustion runs deep
Like veins beneath
Tearing at my skin
Stripping me of all
My seams

Sitting alone
In this room with you
Asleep on my bed
While I sit
By the window
It always goes this way
You're perfect, love
Until you're not
We're the best of friends
At times
But in the end
To me
You're selfish
To you
I'm disposable

I never knew he would break me
I never knew he would make me want to change me
To shift every aspect
Just to be someone else
So he could never love me
And it sickens me
To know that this is the place where he kissed me
That I'm in the body that he touched
He claimed to love
Wanted to become one with me
He can have me
Because I don't want me

Don't let me be lonely
Or should I say
Do not let me become more lonely
Because in a house full of people
I am utterly alone
It doesn't matter if someone
Is two feet away
It doesn't matter if I can hear their laughter
Footsteps overhead
A glass breaking
Anything
I am alone

Please don't let me be lonely
I'm sure that's foolish because
Ask anyone
They'll tell you that
I want to be alone
And I know
I know
That I push people away
And I do but
It's not because I want to be alone
I deserve to be alone
But I didn't ask to be lonely

Don't let me be lonely because
When no one else is there
I can't find a reason to do anything
I can't eat
I can't sleep
I can't do anything when I'm alone
And I know that
You can't do anything to help
But please
Don't leave me here
I'm not where I am because
I am lonely

Don't let me be lonely
I've always wanted to be
One of those beautiful people
On a screen
Those people who find peace
In empty space yet
I am not them
Maybe it's because even when
I am alone I am not really alone
I'm still here
And out of everyone
I am the one I hate the most

Please don't let me be lonely
This is something that I can't escape
And I don't know how to cope
I don't know how to deal with this because
There is no way to deal with this
This hatred of me
And I try to change
But the more I change the less I
Recognize my own reflection
Then I am not alone
There is someone else there with me
That is so much worse

Please
Don't let me be lonely

Don't look for me
I won't be there
I'll be in the leaves
Of some foreign land
Swimming in the grass and
Drinking up the sunlight

Don't look for me
Or dig up my grave
There will be no body
Just olden bones
I don't live there anymore

Don't look for me
Underground
I'm in the sky now
Sitting in the trees
Doing things

Don't look for me
Anywhere on earth
Don't even search the stars
Truth be told
I never got that far

Don't look for me
I'm too tired to be found

Don't look for me
I've already drowned

Wherever you are
I don't want to see you
Hands in the rain
Grasping an umbrella
Long fallen to your side
Your hair's wet
But you know that

Staying at home
Your coffee is cold
Mixing up the sugar
Won't bring it all back
Biting your lip
For the avoidance in the eyes
Of your own reflection

Tears well up
Let them fall down
Mourn the grave
That you made
Let yourself be sad
I love you so much
But I'm not coming back

You're my muse
I think
When all I can hear is the buzz of the AC
And the echo of my fingers on a keyboard
You're my muse
You fill my head with lovely things
And scary things
Kisses and fingertips
Brushing against my scalp
Your tears sinking into my t-shirt
My tears staining my pillows black
I'm scared sometimes
By how much I want you
I daydream of driving to Chicago
And seeing your old house
Looking at the flakes of crumbling paint
Looking at the forgotten or perhaps repressed parts of you
I crave knowing you like that
You're guarded
And I don't blame you
But I wish I could lick your wounds
The ones that still ache when it gets cold at night
Long closed up but never quite healed
You're guarded
I want you to let it down
Let me see the side of you I saw by the river that night
The side I see in your pictures online
Like the one of you laying on your back on a rock
I remember the story of that one
Is it so bad
To want to know you so well
I could crawl inside your skin
Walk around as you for a day
And no one would notice the difference
I don't think it's so bad
Do you?

I'm so drained
I can barely lift my fingers
To press these keys
Yet it's key
That I get this message out
A message about
How tired I am

Dreaming of you
Awake at night
Bathed by the moon
Haunted by your complexion
Silver streams

I bet you have the prettiest face
Silken hair
A body I'll love
All my life
If you let me

Words fall out
I'm a fountain now
You're my reservoir
Deep and clean
Still untapped

Sing for me
I don't care if it's bad
Dancing in the shower
Slipping in soap
You always end up in my arms

I'm not too comfortable
But I'd fall apart for you
To dream of nights with you
Night spent with
Wedding rings

Lovingly

She is the best thing
My mind can see
Long amethyst waves
An unscarred wrist
Talking sometimes
I can hear her voice
In silent letters
Through the phone
And now what she is
Is a beautiful presence
A lovely evanescence
That sleeps with me
And guides my dreams
From miles away
With her blender fish tank
Someday I fear
All that she will be
Is a ghost of a dream
Forever lost to me

I'm missing this idea of you
The idea I had a while ago
I never really wanted anything
It was just a crush
A stupid, meaningless crush
But now I'm overthinking
Trapped inside dungeon walls
I built just for myself
I'm playing my own game
Unwillingly
Tears barely contained
Behind this messy and unconvincing facade
I wonder if my family is worried
Though I'm mostly worried for myself
Things won't get bad again
I'll sing myself to sleep
And fall in love with dreams
Of being with someone
Lying quietly against their shoulder
Rolling out my legs and
Falling asleep to bad tv

Maybe it's not
The world's best idea
To drive down today
And go to a **** beach

What doesn't **** you
Makes you wish you were dead
That taste of the edge
Latches onto your bones
And grows like the mold
In the plaster basement cracks
In the pit of my soul
That grows deeper and deeper
And I can't take
The heavy weight
Of my own screams
And my buried mistakes
One more moment of silence
Might as well shatter me
I'm a porcelain doll
With a fragile disposition
Easily offended and losing friends
The loneliness is haunting me
Animating the skeletons
I sleep beside
I'm too scared
To lay in my bed
Ever since she left
So I make my home
In a nest of scarves
And support myself
The best I can
But the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up
I'm the furthest thing
From Atlas
I do my best
But since when has "best"
Meant anything

Does it ever really happen?
That illusive miracle
Where two people
Truly love each other?

For all the sleepless nights
Underneath a ceiling
Of plaster stars
For every lonely day
With with only nurses
To keep you company
For every IV
For every EKG
For every single test
And teary eyed sentence
For every scar
For every pill
For every bullet
And every gun
There is someone
In an identical hospital bed
There is someone
Who aches the same

For every heart that breaks
There's another one healing
You are not alone
We are not alone

Strangely crushed
Don't want to be in love
Just clear my ears
Fall fast asleep
Curled under this oak tree
Please leave me in peace

Tired
Always tired
Eyelashes
Sting my eyes
Blinking is a pain
Honestly
Today
Early morning rising
No food
Before a blood draw
It must be good
Or else I'll never leave

At least there's birds today
A dog on the
Front porch
Sprawled out
Like my dreams
Dreams of going somewhere
Anywhere
That this isn't
I have those
To count on
To count up
And swallow
Like the pills
That I took
This morning

It's too early for this ****

Wake me
Drag me up through layers
Ascending through sleepy darkness like
A fish from the sea
Stir me gently
Rouse my bones
Bring me back to this life
Where I live alone

Find me
Lost somewhere among dreams
A catalyst of my misery
Force me to light
Open up my eyes
To the totality of the sun
Keep me from my sleep

You are fading away
Your face is a blur
Your words are a static murmur
Your voice is an echo
Your mind is letting go

The soft lines of your face
The rough wisps of hair
Sticking out from under your beanie
Someday you'll read this
And ask me what I was thinking about

I'm thinking about you, dove
The crooked line of your nose
The cadence of your voice
You're talking and I'm listening
But I'm also wondering
Can you see it in my eyes
How in love with you I am

The bouncing of your webcam is now a comfort to me
And maybe I'm obsessive
But I'd rather be obsessed with you
Than be anything else

You don't need
Black jeans and band tees
To be ripped apart on the inside

I'm sorry sweetheart
But this is going to hurt

Tightening
Strings refuse to loosen up
Let me shed my tears

In a different reality
My family isn't happy
Not to say that
It is now, really
But the occasional
Shared smile
Wouldn't happen very
Often since
There would be
Nobody there
To share it

I didn't need to dream about you
Holding your hand out to me
******* on the corner of my ear
And asking "do you want to kiss me?"

I didn't want to raise my hopes up
When we haven't talked in days
When our eye contact is only
Mandatory and
I know you never wanted me anyways

I don't want you
I don't need you
So why do I still crave you
Why do I still dream about you

The truth is
I don't want to ever stop thinking about you
But I have to
Or else I won't fall asleep at night
Or if I do
I'll dream only of your eyes
I don't want to think of you like that

And at some point
One of us has to look away
The world won't stop spinning
For our less than platonic moments
We need to move on
You surely seem to have no trouble
But I can't tear my gaze away
From your retreating form

Those glimpses I catch
Of you sitting in class
Might as well be poison
Injected straight into my veins
The softness of your hair
The outline of your face
Is a drunk tattoo in the front of my brain
One I can't erase

You're my heroine
Take or leave the "e"
And I might be a willing addict
But I'll go to rehab eventually
I'll force your face to fade
Covered up with inky flowers
Scattering my legs

I'll leave your eyes
Turquoise and green
You can watch me from the bushes
Peeking out from between the leaves
Like a fairytale character
I bet I'll wonder who you were
And what you meant to me

Eye contact
From across the cafeteria table
Maybe you were saying something
But now we don't speak
We just sit quietly
And we might as well be alone
In this room together
Your blue green eyes
Locked on mine
Until we look away
I'll just bathe in your smile

When I first began
It was just for fun
All face
No eyes
A nightmare
Terror
Picasso portrait
In disguise

Then it really began
To beautify
Liquid layers
Shattered hues
Blacking out
Spaces
In purple
And blue

Enthusiasm wanes
Experiences
Replace passion
With patience
Love for myself
Missing in action
All things breaking
All things fading

"And I don't really feel like you came back..."

We fade to black
I wake up on the other side
Tears crusted and stinging around my eyes
You are disillusioned to me
I'm without a jacket and I'm cold
I want to go home
Doing my best to forget
The time we spent together
Goodbye

Some days, I just want to disappear
I wake up with that sinking feeling
Of nothingness, heavy in my chest
And I long to float away
Fall from out of the sky and spend my life
Shattered on the rocks of my own making
I wish I could be unborn
Bury myself beneath the leaves
And find myself unseen
But the forest is a long walk from here
So I drown myself in layers of loathing
Swaddling up my physical form
Until no one dares to look at me
I'm too pitiful, I'm a disgrace
I don't deserve all the staring eyes
I don't want to be recognized
Not anymore, at least

Falling apart
At the lightest touch
What happened to those bright eyes
To that midnight sky
That we laid under
Dew collecting around our bodies
As we stared upwards, unafraid
Of that endless scape of stars

But now you're falling apart
At the lightest touch
At the tap of a piano key
The brush of a snowflake
On my cheek
Why are you afraid?
Why are you crying?
Why are you dying?