something just feels
off
and wrong
something isn't sitting right inside me
it's telling me to get up - go go go go go
go do that one thing
but im not sure where it wants me to go
or what one thing it wants me to do.
it's a feeling of urgency
without a proper cause
what is wrong with me?

please put the blade down, put the alcohol down, put the pills back in the bottle, put the rope back in the garage, put the belt back on the rack, put the gun back in the safe, and throw that note away. instead, pick up the phone and call someone you love, pick up the pen and paper and write how you feel, call 1-800-273-8255, cry it out, punch a pillow, go hug your parents. because let me tell you, as tempting as it is, death is not the answer. you may think you're doing everyone a favor; you may think everyone is better off, but honey that's just not true. your friends will search for you in everyone new they meet, they will search for a laugh that sounds like yours or a joke that sounds like one you would tell or a personality that even slightly resembles yours, in hopes to catch a glimpse of you. they will think of you during the day and will dream of you at night. they will think of every single thing you have ever said to them and wonder what they missed, what they could have done better and why things are as ****** up as they are. your mom will be completely broken. every piece of her heart will be scattered along, all over the place. your dad will shut down emotionally, wondering what more he could've taught you and wondering if he was really that bad of a father. please understand you will break more hearts than you think youd be saving. losing you will put clouds over peoples heads and bitterness and grief in their hearts. please, do not do it. do not take away the most precious thing you own. your life. please. you are worth so much more. someone out there loves you.

*******.

pulling up to the lot, walking up to the doors
every instinct in me is yelling, screaming for me not to go inside
right in the front of the room, is a picture of you
the person we all knew: a jokester, an easy going, happy person
or so we thought
your friends are all crying, you can see the heartbreak on their faces
and i dont really like crying in public, so i try to hold back
but the tears wont keep themselves contained; they demand to be let out
i meet your mom for the first time, and wow does she look just like you
i smile for her, try to suppress the true emotions im feeling for her
cause god knows how she must be feeling right now
i see you inside the casket, and my stomach drops as i remember the first time we talked, the last time we talked, and everything in between
i wonder if i missed a signal or a sign that couldve clued me in to how you were truly feeling inside
and before i know it, it's my turn to say goodbye for the last time
but i cant stay there long; i cant look at you too deeply because truthfully i dont see you. i see an empty shell, a clone, a fake of what is supposed to be you but simply isnt you.
we hug everyone goodbye
we tell each other to be safe and that we'll be in touch soon
and then we leave
and that is all.

and i guess i am selfish. because i really, really want you to be happy, always. i wanna see that smile that made me fall so hard for you. but i dont wanna see you happy if its with another person. i dont want you happy holding someone elses hand. i dont want you happy celebrating an anniversary with someone else. and i definitely, definitely dont want you to be happy, in love with someone else. because i want to be enough for you, i want you to feel your most excitement and wholeness and inner peace with me. i want you to be in love with me. i cant just be all poetic and beautifully tragic about it. i cant just think "i want you to be happy, even if thats not with me," because its not true. i want you to be happy, and i want to be the person that makes you happy. its as simple and frustrating as that.

troubled soul
let me hear all of your secrets
the ones youve let pile up and up
pour them into me
i swear i’ll listen to every single one
i want to know what put those bags under your eyes
and why youre so scared of falling in love
tell me why your dad screamed at you everyday when you were little
and tell me how it felt when that one person broke your heart
explain to me why your brain feels scattered when you try a math problem
and tell me that the reason you like the piano so much is because each key holds a piece of your heart.
let me know it all
let me store it up for you
you deserve some weight lifted off those shoulders of yours

i knew i had to leave him
not because i didnt care, because God knows I did.
but because he didnt inspire me
no words of love came to me when i looked at him
i did not think it was adorable how his nose was crooked
i did not think the way his hair flopped over was imperfectly perfect
i did not think that even in his saddest, angriest, or generally unhappy states that he was still somehow wonderful in a jaw-dropping, ‘god youre still so perfect even like this’ way.
i write poetry, thats what i do
and all i could write about him was how supportive and comforting he was.
it became one sided
being near him was draining;being with him was a chore.
i was becoming the type of person
that he would be writing the sad words about
i was giving him the distance
he could feel in his heart
even when we were together.
and i couldnt continue on like that
i couldnt let myself become a monster to him
one of the monsters even i write about at night.

so i think it might be best
if i try to
separate myself for awhile
ive been opened up so far
but honestly its quite exhausting
all the reaching out and wondering who cares
who cares enough to reach back
so i think it might be best
if i close my doors for awhile
because i am so tired
i just need to sleep for a little
and recharge
maybe i can try this thing again a little later

*but im just so tired.

i wanna put a thousand kisses on your neck
and then listen to your heartbeat through your chest
i wanna look into your bright eyes
and be looking into those same eyes for life
i wanna write you a million love notes
and then write you a million more
i wanna stay up late at night
and go look at the stars
then go home and fall asleep
cuddled up in your arms
i wanna let you know
youre all i ever need

and i always hoped thats the way it'd be.

i promised myself i wouldnt fall for anyone new
i wasnt supposed to love you,
no especially not you
but now i know you
now ive been with you
and i think its kinda obvious
loving you
is something i wanna do.

12:48 AM
the best thing to happen to me.

"How are you doing today?"
******* horrible, not like you give a ****.
"Great, and you?"
As if I actually give a ****
"I'm great as well, thanks for asking."
Are you lying like me? Are you secretly hurting too?
"Yeah, no problem."
I want to ******* die.
"Oh dear, you look so tired."
Probably the insomnia. Thanks for noticing.
"Yeah I haven't been going to bed on time recently."
I haven't been feeling too much recently, either.
"Aw, a routine is something you need to get into. Going to bed early will make you feel better the next day."
They said the same thing about anti-depressants, yet here we are.
"Yeah, you're right, I should probably get on top of that."
When will this conversation be over When will this conversation be over When will this conversation be over
"Well you have a nice day now!"
I won't, but thanks for the concern.
"You too! Lovely chatting with you!"
That just took every last ounce of energy I had left in my body. Oh god I'm so sick I'm so tired I need help I need help I wanna die please someone see through me and help me I need-
"Hey! How are you doing today?"

i never did get to show you the poetry i wrote about you,
i never did get to kiss you as many times as i wanted,
and if i knew our last kiss was going to be our last
id go back and give you 100 more.

i found poetry within the knots of your hair,
and i found comfort within the warmth of your lips,
and if i wouldve known us doing this would have caused all this chaos
i would still do it all again
because youre worth it

-you were always worth it

you loved me with every bit of your ******* heart, and i guess i overdosed.

Ever since I was little, I've said I want to travel the whole world. But now I've met you, and I no longer feel the need to see the whole world. For your eyes go deeper than any ocean, and your tongue tastes better than anything else the world has to offer; You yourself are a bunch of different little adventures.
Actually, I guess I do wanna see the whole world- my whole world.
And that is you.

time goes by so fast with you
one moment im wrapped in your arms, listening to your heart beat while playing with your beautiful blonde hair
then the next im home, alone, thinking about the next time i get to be with you
im so wrapped up in you.

*-you're the one i've been waiting for.

And as you looked into my eyes, confessing your apologies, you made my knees weak and tears rim my eyelids. There was a moment of silence, and in that moment my soul whispered "I miss you." And I think, maybe, ever so faintly, I heard yours whisper back "Me, too."

-g.r.s.
   5:53 pm
him.

watching the waves crash
reminding me of the impact of your lips on mine
looking into the depth of the blue ocean
reminds me of your sparkling eyes
as the cool water brushes against my skin
im reminded of your kisses on my face
how you tugged at my hair
its all physical
so why do i feel
so mental

breaking down the barricade
we march, flags high
this is our time
our rights

we fill the streets
hundreds upon hundreds
chanting, screaming
laughing, yelling

and still our flags reign
high above our heads
like the birds in the sky
screeching for thread

we are unstoppable
marks of color on our cheeks
our roar fills the streets
we are unstoppable.

the rough texture on his fingers
from putting his soul into his art
his guitar, all black and shiny
a piece of art alone, extra special when he plays it
the warmth of his palm
i trace the lines that cover it
making an 'A' on the center
i clasp my hand, interlacing our fingers
rubbing my thumb against his
i kiss him
nothing makes me happier
than the simple feeling
of his hand

she tasted like rich wine,
and i was drunk on her love.

I found somebody who carries my soul gently.
He took the demons you left me with and cast them all out.;
He planted flowers where you left weeds.
Although I was nothing but a dimly lit star to you, he sees the opposite.
I am his sun, he is my moon.
And together we rule the galaxy.
He takes care of me like no one has ever before.

-Thank you for leaving, for if you hadn't I would never have found my diamond in the rough.

Your love is my disease
So sick, got me falling to my knees
I'm begging you
please don't leave
But you can't hear me
Too busy falling like a meteor
Creating all these internal craters
Before you
I was the sun
I used to shine so bright
You cut me down
And now I'm just a small star
In your universe
Which is so infinite

i can no longer have you as my home because i will end up homeless time and time again.